Saturday, December 29, 2007

Christmas Is Over???

I don't know if it was all the drama of my folks or what but this holiday season went waay too fast! I actually made a comment 'we could get that for Christmas'. My husband tilted his head to the side and gave me a V8 smack.
I think he muttered, "Hello, McFly?"
I was flipping through the channels last night and heard a news report that the funniest people are usually the most depressed. Geez, talk about your downer. I've had lots of people tell me I'm funny. Matter of fact my parents were terrified I would grow up and be a comedian but they also knew that lack of ambition would stop me.
I polled myself, as I get 500 calls a day trying to poll me about my political views. So I thought I would be a conformist and see if me, myself, and I agreed or if one part of me has left the other part right and I guess the other is an independent. Which means it's a toss up or I'm messed up.
This time last year I could say oh heck yeah I'm depressed. Got a chart to show myself where I was at and everything. This year that has not been the case so yeah for me. I got to thinking about my blog title and let's face it if you really did get a mouthful of bugs or picked one out of your teeth after taking a chomp out of something - you're not going to have the best outlooks on life. You are going to be a bit ticked off especially if you paid for the bite that had the bug in it.
This of course takes the pressure off of me to try and be upbeat - I'll leave that for Kellan as she's good at it. Now this doesn't mean the voice of my blog is perpetual case of PMS cuz that would mean I turned into Cruella. I have my husband's solid promise that this won't happened so we can all take a deep breath.
So without further adieu...
We normally take the tree and stuff down New Year's Day. I feel so cheated right now like I didn't get a chance to enjoy anything. Oh yeah, I was doing all the stinking hard work to make the holidays nice. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Just not sure where all the time went.
I usually heave a big sigh of relief that I survived the holidays.
Now I'm sitting here trying to remember it. When did it happen? I just remember eating a lot, a major scream fest that I won, two boys really happy, one that wasn't until he got a dart gun. Of course trying to remember anything with an early period that started today AND a bladder infection to go with it is bound to change one's perspective.
Curse you Aquascum!!! Merry #$%*# and Happy %$#*& to all!!!
To top it off we're chaperoning the teens lock in at church for New Year's Eve. I'm now concerned that my husband is taking some sort of substance that I'm not aware of that would make him think this was a good idea. All while I'm on my period. Bring it on!! (evil cackle echoes as teens run and hide.)
To add insult to injury my heating pad died, I think I ate all the chocolate, and I'm now drinking cranberry juice. With no insurance and brakes that need to get fixed doc visit is low on the list. I'm trying to sell my parents on eBay but no buyers. Pity.

Friday, December 28, 2007

I'm Either an Evil Genius or Incredibly Stupid

It was the case of the dueling banjos that would pick different songs that drove me over the edge. And both of them insist on hovering around me while they yell/sing songs. I'm not sure you can really sing Skillet or Pillar but that's just me. I'm still trying to figure out how they can scream on key - that is talent! How do you practice scream scales? AHHH AHHH AHHH - sounds the same.

For the record, I knew my husband would love to have an MP3 but el cheapo kept saying no. There was even a store not far from us that had really nice ones on sale for $20 right before Christmas! He still said no. After playing around with the boys just take a guess who really wanted one - besides me and the youngest doesn't count. Uh-huh.

I've been trying to track some down but every store I've been to looks like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat - not much left but a small patch of fur and maybe a chunk of a claw. Nice visual, huh?

The hunt was now on.

We finally tracked them down - one for him and one for me - AND a Nerf dart gun for youngest as he felt totally cheated. This actually appeased him. It was waaaay cheaper and had the chance of happening while there was no way he was getting an MP3 player. I think he knew this and hedged his bet accordingly.

We were up late last night trying to figure the dumb things out as ours is more complicated. Picture this - Thing1 and Thing2 battling it out on singing, youngest kid hosing everything down with dart guns, hubby jamming away and also clueless to mayhem around him, so out of desperation, or revenge, I pop the earphones in TO DROWN OUT THE NOISE!!!

I think I found my happy place cuz I didn't hear a thing. Except now my ears hurt from the earphones. They must be out of shape. Goes along nicely with the rest of me. Belly, butt, hips, thighs, and ear hole. Wait! I have nice firm ear holes and I'm now trying to stretch them out. Nah, I don't buy it either but it was worth a shot.

I'm already accusing my husband of not talking to me so why did I give him something that gives him an excuse to get out of talking?? I will now have to look for the wires dangling from his ears to make sure he's really listening. How sad is this - we have a line for the computer as there is only so much it can handle at one time. We're all lined up on who wants what off of a CD so we can delete it and move on.

Good times. Great family bonding.

Why did I think this was a good idea?? Anyone? Oh, yeah - so they would be entertained and stop bugging me!! I mean expand their music appreciation and would develop a deep love of music or at least all things that rock - Amen.

The kicker of the whole thing was we did all of this after the church play practice last night. The Christmas play was canceled due to bad weather so it's rescheduled for this Sunday. Oh happy joy, joy (for those of you who couldn't tell insert sarcasm). I really did not want to go and only youngest is in the play but I'm going to be in nursery so this was my only chance of seeing it. Plus there was the lure of the hunt afterwards so off we went.

After I sat through hell play practice, we left only to discover the brakes went out in the van. They felt squishy earlier that day so when the light came on the brake pedal went all the way to the floor with not much there. I thought the light was suppose to give you a heads up not state the obvious. Good thing it doesn't have a voice or it would be some stupid surfer guy saying 'Dude, you are so screwed at the next stop light!'

Did this stop us on the hunt? Nope. I just coasted to a stop and parked in the boonies so not to hit other cars. We went to four stores. Pathetic has sunk to a whole new level.

The freaky thing is the same thing happened to the truck just TWO WEEKS AGO!! Now the van? They said the brake lines were broke on the truck. Did they mean cut?? I'm now paranoid that someone is messing with our brake lines. Hey -you're after Cruella NOT ME!!! And she don't live here so WTF? (I like to think I'm saying what the fudge, fickle, fart - pick your favorite F word)

I have a wedding I'm suppose to go to tonight but no one will touch the van until next year - seriously. Hubby wasn't going to go anyway and was going to have boys with him so that means I'm without a ride. There is no way I'm going to call my folks and ask for a ride as I haven't even mentioned the smack fest of Christmas Eve. At this point I'm not sure if I'm going to speak to them again - at least nothing that I'm going to initiate. Oh yeah, it was that good! I got final smack in so I have to let it stand.

So I'm hanging out in my pj's refusing to get dressed. I'm going to see how long I can last in these new pj's but since these guys have no sense of smell this could be a really long time or at least until Sunday. Except it's now snowing - hard. Maybe next Sunday.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

"I Gave Up Clown College For This?" - Home on The Range

Ambitious I am not. But I have a sense of humor and in the real world a sense of humor just doesn't get you very far. Oh, sure there are the top comedians but I just don't see me reaching for those stars. Again, that whole lacking ambition really puts a crimp on self motivation.

This leaves me as a stay at home mom. Here is proof that God has a sense of humor - granted a slightly sick sense of humor but it's there - as He told "us" to home school. I use the term "us" as in me. It's like potty training - I did all the work and he took all the credit.

I have worked hard with my three boys, we've studied, we've talked, we've gone on field trips, projects galore. Yet I can't seem to get anyone of them to aim worth a darn when it comes to the toilet. I would like to say for all those who are potty training that it will get better, yes and no. They will go by themselves but you will still be cleaning up after them.

Curse you aquascum.

Of course being married sort of prepared me for life with boys. Actually my husband is too anal to miss as I bet he times the whole thing for maximum efficiency. So I'm not sure what's the deal and they can't seem to figure out why I make such a deal.

Thing1 and Thing2 got MP3 players for Christmas and have only thanked me 321 times since yesterday. They really like it, I guess. The trouble is they won't stop listening to it and are singing at the top of their lungs or they end up shouting their thanks but then shout "What??" I hear this is normal.

I've told them that when they see my mouth move to just assume I'm talking to them and put the thing on pause. Sigh. I gave up clown college for this?

But to actually tie the whole thing together - both of them used the bathroom while still listening to music. Lesson for the day - Rockin music that begs to be jammed to + using the bathroom = missing by quite a bit. Not bothering to tell your mother = death wish. Lesson learned. Except the youngest one has no MP3 and therefore really has no excuse.

Class dismissed as I'm looking for courses on clown college. Oh I kid cuz I have no ambition and God won't let me off the hook. All together now -

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Sure Fire Way To A Happy Family Dinner

I guess it's a good thing for the family I'm serving ham or otherwise this would be a family trip we wouldn't have to pack for - wheeeee!!!!
I threatened to keep the Prozac for myself but my husband cried unfair the whiner, but then he came up with a brilliant plan of slipping some in my Mom's coffee. This would be awesome except she took my coffee pot. Dagnabbit. Foiled again!! Of course there is the small detail that I have no Prozac but hey I's a dreamer not a planner.

Hope y'all have a Merry Christmas and find time to laugh!!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

"Curse You AquaScum" - Finding Nemo

For whatever reason my family likes to quote random movie lines. Sometimes it is just so fitting I couldn't imagine uttering anything else. For example:

I was out power shopping last night. While I didn't hit Toys R Us I did walk on the wild side and hit Wal-Mart. Now I will give kudos to where it is deserved - not one person who works at Wal-Mart was rude or mean to me in any way shape or form. It was just the other shoppers that gives the place a bad reputation.

I'm not sure what amazes me the most - the kids that scream like they are being savagely eaten by some stray dog or the parents that walk on and don't even bat an eyelash. We overheard a kid tell his mom he hates her because she never buys him anything. My husband almost volunteered to hit the kid for her, but I was thinking smack the parent first, then get junior.

I understand that people have standards and don't want to shop there to avoid issues like this. If you can afford other places - good for you but I dare you to tell me one place you can shop where there isn't a screamer. Didn't think so.

I have a budget that would cause Mickey MOUSE to off himself. He's a mouse, people. You would think his standards are low but look at the price tag on the little cheese sniffer and it's a whole nother ball of um, well cheese.

Thankfully my boys are past all that - the happy meal toys are all gone to. ThankyaJesus! The down side? After I had to shovel, yes you read that right, shovel the discarded Lego pieces out from under a dresser AND a bed I have forbidden to purchase one more package. Besides I bet it's all made from China anyway. My feet thanked me but pointed out I missed a few - hundred.

"Curse you AquaScum", I muttered as I kicked the pieces out of the way.

This leaves Bionicles. Don't get me started on those ugly looking things that just happened to be a Lego product and much, much sharper I might add. But they do keep the boys busy for hours. So as much I was would like to shake my fist in full angst - I can't. Since my children own them all - don't judge me they are affordable - I didn't buy any. Insert Snoopy happy dance.

Action figures are so a thing of the past, this leaves video games. It started off with Leapster and other educational stuff but when I realized I could actually have more than a half hour of not being interrupted to look at their new Bionicle creature and actually read a book! Let the gaming begin.

I am very picky on what I let the boys play and what movies they can watch. This has cause much arguing over the years as their heathen cousins can watch, do, say, and act any way that they want while I make my kids toe the line. I usually get 'the look' and now that puberty is in full force times 2 it just ain't purty but I'm not backing down.

Oh yeah, I was suppose to make a point. My point is that while I didn't receive bad service at wally world what ticked me off was that they yanked all the Game Boy and Game Cube stuff that was just there a few days ago and had all the new and pricey upgrades. I understand us last minute shoppers can be a bit desperate and slightly crazed but I just saw the stupid things there last week!! I couldn't buy them cuz my posse was in tow and I'm just not that nice to give them spoilers on Christmas.

I'm cruel like that. What can I say? I gots some Cruella in da veins.

Now I'm suppose to believe the suckers were all bought within one weeks time when they've been sitting there for 4 months?? Don't think so.

So for that they get the "Curse you AquaScum" of angst. But the cruel irony is I have to go there again tonight to grocery shop - that just bites! Cuz you know there is some big wig counting on that saying 'how ya like me now?' I can't help it - they've lured me in with their low low prices, and all the shiny lights makes me loose focus.

The thing that gets me is I know when I go grocery shopping again in two weeks the stupid things will be back in their case whispering promises of pleasure to my children. There is a verse that says a fool and his money will be soon departed - but they'll be quiet so isn't that worth it's weight in gold?? "Curse you AquaScum" is just too fitting on some things and this was one of them.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Something Funny!

Why is this funny? Because that's how my pocket book feels right now! Hope yer surviving the shopping.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Smack Fest of 07 - Will It Ever End??

Ever have one of those moments where you look at your mom and think are you sure she's my mother?? And darn it all to heck if the woman doesn't know how to play the guilt-a-thon. Now I just know I can't be the only person out there that hasn't been guilted into doing things. But my Mom did over look this teeny, tiny, smidge of a detail.

I stopped caring what she thought or had to say.

On the drive to dump drop her off to her apartment to pick up what's left of her life to start anew, I made one comment that will be forever known as 'The spark on the already dry tinder'.

FYI - prisons make a ton of money by ripping people off on the collect calls. I know some people feel that hey they're in prison so what and a prison has to make some extra money. But this places a huge amount of burden on the families that are usually just as much as a victim as the victims. There is the constant how did this happen and where did it all go wrong? that floats through your head all the time. Then you open your phone bill and think it's a shame that the real criminals aren't where they belong.

So when I mentioned to my Mom that she better not forward their number on to my brother who is notorious for giving them high phone bills - my frugalness was not embraced nor appreciated. Matter of fact, she said the reason they had high bills was because of me and my crew that was living on their property. She even went on to say it's about time we payed them back as we owe them. Say what??

That storm that was caused by high winds? I think that was either me taking in a breath or letting it out - not sure which one. I pointed out how we paid rent, we even paid their mortgage for a year stupidly thinking they were going to come back before we packed up and moved on. Not to mention how my husband always had the horrible driveway cleared off in the winter AND always did tons of her projects.

She shifted gears and then went off on the things we left behind. You would not believe how much crap I have taken for the past week over a stupid ironing board. My Dad even said that it's a shame that he has to re-buy things that he had already owned.

Big brass ones! Huge! My family must have in them abundance cuz I could never imagine telling someone who helped me - ya missed a spot! How about if ya never got your arse thrown in jail and then onto prison you would still have all your crap? I just don't see them owning up to their mistakes.

I did hold my own, I really did but it seemed to fall onto deaf ears. Soo I made sure some comments had a bit more hi-yah! to it. My Dad called me a few days later stating that Thing2 was very disrespectful and he thought there should be an apologize - simply based on what my Mom had to say as he wasn't there. Classic Mom, boo hoo when no one is there to verify the story.

I said I was willing to accept his apology at any time - he didn't think that was funny. I said Thing2 was not disrespectful and stated his feelings very well to which my Mom, his Grandmother, told him that "other's have gone through worse so suck it up and get over it". The boys were in tears yet held their own - I was a proud momma who then turned to momma bear and roared! I told my Dad that respect is earned and so far they have earned our contempt. Snap, snap, snap!

Oh yeah, they were coming to dinner that night. Makes for a festive time to have anger simmering in the background. Yet true to form no one wanted to talk about the eight hundred pound gorilla in the room. Personally, I don't think that the gorilla is very nice and it smells kinda funny too.

Mom behaved while my Dad pulled all my men folk aside and said he was sorry for all they went through. All of them said latter it didn't sound true more like I'll say I'm sorry so you'll keep helping me but I don't mean it. He did all of this behind my Mom's back brave man that he is. Can you say ch-ch-chicken?

What's truly weird is that they are acting like teenagers that have moved out. They showed up with dirty clothes for me to wash and took all my left overs but left behind clothes that should have been thrown away and some that should have been donated. Why bring it back to me??

We were suppose to have a big family get together in Indiana today but it got canceled from bad weather. How sad that we all did the happy dance simply because we didn't want to get into it with my folks there. Nothing like airing your dirty laundry with family. It didn't help that my folks had the beloved niece and nephew that none of us wanted to see. So we did an extra Snoopy dance for this fact. Wonderful attitudes was had by all. I can at least pretend can't I?

This leaves us with my folks coming over Christmas Eve. My boys all gave me a look that said ba-humbug! I think they are now praying for a blizzard.

They had all typed out a letter that pretty much states what all they are thinking and feeling on all of this and they have been chomping at the bit to shove it down their throats give it to them. We have been waiting to use those letters but I've been following my husband's lead to which I feel is going too slow and so do my boys. My Mom is very good at emotional guerrilla warfare - comes in and ambushes with lethal attacks then runs away while you're thinking where did this come from? I think my folks might make it through the door before they are pounced on.

I told my hubby if he wants the first shot he better take it upon their arrival or all bets are off. Way to submit, Joanna.

I will say through all of this the thing that hit me the most was just how ungrateful my parents have been. The thought that hit me was how many times have I done this to God? That dropped on me like a ton of bricks. Things didn't go just as I planned and I'm snippy about it rather than being grateful to God for what He has done.

I had to have some alone time with God to do some serious apologizing. It's now trying to get my kids to give grace to someone who truly doesn't deserve it all while defending their boundaries. Having boys I want them to be strong, to stand up for what's right and not to back down from a fight. I just pray that they learn to have wisdom that can only come from God because if left to our own we would screw it up!! My Mother-in-law prayed with the boys and told them that we shouldn't cut my folks out of our lives just because they made a mistake. Thing1 asked what if it's several mistakes?

It has been really weird because I believe that Jesus is the reason for the season and He is about reconciliation - the whole Peace on Earth, Good will towards man? God reconciled with us when we didn't deserve it. And our goal is to be more Christ-like. Big exhale of hot air - dang it.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Smack Fest of 07 - Part Duo

I'm sure you're hanging on the edge of your seat about now - not really but it sounded funny. There I was in the midst of one of those situations: angry Mother on one side and angry husband and kids on the other with the Dad gooooooone!

Suddenly my childhood is making some sense only instead of husband and kids picture aunts and cousins but still the same angst.

I knew my Mom suffered from a martyr complex I just didn't know to what levels they could plummet. The ocean has nothing on this woman!

Since my family wasn't going to fall for the bs that was being shoveled I should have seen this coming. All the way to the apartment I got to hear how everyone has done something wrong to my Mom. I swear there is a country western song that goes with this, but I can't think of it because I had the whole Cruella song going through my head thanks to years of torture of children's movies.

Everything unloaded, I grabbed some Arby's for all and we snarfed on the food like no body's business. The guys got the bed all put together and then decided it was time to leave. Let the record show that all of my guys have some very quick thinking skillz that I did not get! All of them squared off on who was riding with whom and I was left holding the bag, er, Mom. After they left we still stayed and tried to get the kitchen put together.

Enter tactic number 2! No one was around. Just me and her or her and I. I was too tired to notice the slight shiver that ran up and down my spine and with all my cold issues I blew it off. Stooopid. Mom proceeded to tell me that my boys are opinionated and unteachable. I said there is a difference between teachable and manipulate-able. She said I need to tell them not to be so opinionated. I chuckled and said "Mr. Pot please leave Mr. Kettle alone." credit to Vince Flynn

Then she said that the boys crashed into the wall and knocked a chip out of it, tracked mud into the apartment, and made too much noise. I replied I'm sure her standards are high since she's been in a prison and next time I won't offer to help move any of their crap. Due to space issues just imagine a lot of hissing, intense meowing, a swipe of claws and you get the gist of it.

I did get the whole honor thy parents so your days will be long to which I replied why would I want to hang out longer to put up with this? I think I might have to repent for that last one, but it was funny at the time or at least I thought it was.

So Saturday when I woke there was piles of my Dad's dirty clothes in the hallway as in hint! My children were hiding in their room refusing to going into the kitchen which was odd since they know there is food there and I had no idea where the hubby was at. I get near the kitchen and Mom is guarding the coffee pot. I don't mean to offend but I'm not a coffee drinker - I would love to sit and just smell it though I just can't taste it unless it's loaded with enough calories to drop Oprah. Just saying I have standards.

Luckily for me I was off on a shopping trip with some peeps, and Mom couldn't come. Gasp! Say it ain't so? So, so, so, sosososososo!!!! Sorry, I got carried away.

I came back and remembered we had another bake sale at church, so while Mom was ranting, I was baking and doing their laundry I might add. Husband out of desperation just started holding up stuff if it was going or staying, and my kids never did come out of their rooms - except for lunch because nothing can stop them from that!

Stuffed baked, vehicles packed, we loaded up and went to apartment but again I was left holding the, well you get it. And that's when it got ugly.

Smack Fest of 07 - Part 1

This is going to be in parts so hang in there with me - or not. If nothing else this could give you another excuse why you shouldn't go clean something. They say truth is stranger than fiction so this whole thing is off the charts. I should have an award for this. May it make your difficult person easier to bare knowing they aren't as crazy as this!

Thursday started off with me not getting much sleep. I spent most of the night tossing and turning knowing it was going to be a full weekend. KPEP admitted to screwing up my Dad's Thanksgiving and let him stay here for two nights but then called in the middle of the night to see if he was still here. Oh joy.

My Dad, being the king of avoidance, insisted on renting the uhaul truck on the day Mom came home. He went off to work while my husband loaded up the truck and I went to get Cruella. I was getting nervous as I was running a tad late. Couldn't quite figure out where I was and at the last moment I found a parking space. I rushed all around looking desperately for an angry looking old lady (because I made her wait) only to come up empty. I stood in line and asked if the bus had already arrived only to be informed it was running late.

Oh, good - I think. Dad's bus was 45 minutes late so how late was late?

It was only 15 minutes late. I had 15 minutes to wonder where did it happen. What was the exact moment that turned June Cleaver into Cruella De Vil? I had a few theories but still came up blank. The reality is that each of us is responsible for our actions regardless of what else happens to us by other people/situations. Realizing I was completely wasting my time I shifted gears on the smack fest and started to wonder when the first punch was going to fall.

It was going to happen it was just a matter of time.

She was quite happy to see me and didn't say a word that I was the only one there to pick her up. I grabbed her bag and hustled her back home but first we went through the drive through for lunch. And don't forget the tea! It truly is nectar of the gods. Dad called before we were out of the drive through all in a panic. He can sense that time is running out and there is nothing that he can do to stop it. Insert evil cackle.

They gabbed for a while, we got back and hugs were all around. I slipped Dad Mom's wedding ring and he made a show of saying he's committed to her. If he only knew how the rest of the weekend turned out he might just have had her committed. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The funniest thing was her reaction to having her perfume back. They had to go do a face to face with parole officer so she needed to get cleaned up and out the door. Mom is a perfume freak. I brought down her make-up and the beloved and she hopped up and down over the perfume. To be honest it was cute to see the genuine happiness. Too bad that didn't last.

After my husband got everything loaded and we sat around waiting for them and I started to panic. I was thinking that she did something that got them tossed back into jail and I was trying hard not to hyperventilate. I didn't pass out or develop an ulcer but I did discover that I have reached my limit on what I could take. And that would be it!

We got everyone fed, moving truck unloaded and returned and came back and crashed. Next day Dad went off to work leaving us with Mom who didn't want to go through things to take but just wanted to tell us how she is right and how we aren't.

Let me just say that I am so proud of how the boys handle things. Thing2 was the one that started to ball rolling on smack fest. He came right out and said the bible is clear that we aren't to judge people BUT the fruit of their actions and behavior - clearly this fruit is rotten.

I had to wipe my eye as a tear of pride wanted to well up and slide down my cheek. Thing1 said that the bible is also very clear about how we are to obey the law of the land. There went the other eye. My Mom then told them that just because she's gone through some bad stuff doesn't mean she's not right and that others have gone through worse stuff than they have so they need to suck it up and get over it.

The frequency I hit should have made my momma proud but since it was directed at her she failed to appreciate the full lung capacity I was sporting. The boys' mouths hung open yet with a smirk on the edges knowing they weren't the ones in trouble. She backed off and tried a different road only to be met by my husband with a slap or two of his own. The funny thing through all of this is that I wasn't seething with anger as I had been in the past. Since reading that book I could see what was going on and I was having none of it.

This went on a few more rounds. Since she saw that tactic wasn't going to work she retreated for the moment only to try something different later that night and the next day.

Stay tuned for part duo.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Cruella Da Vil - If She Doesn't Scare You No Evil Thing Will!

Mom? Is that you?? Okay, I know that's bad but I have less than 24 hours of seeing my Mom. I've been off line as my Dad decided to tweak my computer that took for-evah!!

He actually got to come spend the night Sunday and went to work and came back Monday night and spent the night as well. Okay, cool or whatever. KPEP had to call in the middle of the night both times to make sure he was really there. And he had to get up at the butt crack of dawn to make it back there sign in, sign out and then go to work.

Oh happy, happy, joy, joy.

As he walked out the door Monday early morning he said he left me his dirty clothes that will need to be washed by the time he comes back. Wow. Thanks for asking. He said I'm such a good daughter that he wished he had more.

Words fail me right now to express what I think on this matter. Did I miss when he became the kid and I became the adult??

I've been reading Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Run, don't walk to get this book!!! It shows me how my boundaries have been violated and why I've been wrestling with anger and how anger is a warning signal that I'm about to be hurt or controlled NOT walking in strife. Strife and anger are two different things.
My Mom is an Aggressive Controller - she sees no as a challenge, my brother is a Manipulative Controller - they will get you off your boundary line rather than steam roll over it. Care to guess who's been saying I'm full of strife? Why yes, that would be my brother who is ALSO in prison. I'm seeing a pattern, maybe a lack of responsibility. Golly gee, he didn't like me saying no to him therefore, in all his letters, I need to be marked and set aside. What type of whacked bible translation is that?? And Mommy dearest sure hasn't liked that I told her son bite me!
The Avoidance - is so my Dad as he will run away from any confrontation. Matter of fact, he got an apartment that we (as in my husband, kids, and I as he will be at work) are moving them into the same day I'm picking up Mom!! He actually thinks by moving it will keep my Mom and I from a throw down. Sorry Pops I have some much needed blogging material I need to acrew. Compliance will bend over backwards no matter the cost but I fall into Compliance/Avoidance - unable to let the good in and keep the bad out. Whoa!

Lots of good stuff in there. I'm half way through the book. It did say that a lot of well meaning Christians have been waaaaaaay wrong about feelings/emotions and anger like saying it's not Christ-like to get angry. I've heard that one my whole life - good girls don't get angry.

The funny part in all of this is it never occurred to me to say NO until I saw Thing1 and Thing2 stand their ground on not being in the play. They've been cornered twice since I first posted about it and yet they have still maintained their ground. Light bulb moment - I was never allowed to have a say in ANYTHING!!

Not that I'm bitter, well that ain't true.

It did say that once you establish boundary lines don't be shocked at all the rage from all the past times boundaries have been violated. Do tell.

All this wealth of information and just in time for me to cut my baby boundary teeth with my Mom. Although this time I finally feel that I have permission to say No AND to be angry. Whew! That was a load off - tune in next time for the continuing saga As The Door Slams Shut.

Although I'm a bit disturbed that my kids are taking bets to see how long it takes for me to dump her on the side of the road - any takers?

Friday, November 30, 2007

Tales From Under the Heating Pad

I think my body is having issues. It's acting like a teenager with break outs and double-me-over cramps. I've been to doctors and all they want to do is give me b.c. pills or hysterectomy. Uh, no. What's behind door number 3??

My favorite is eat less, move more. Really Einstein? I had never heard of that one before! I see you've also told me to lower my stress. Well, I chose the power stress eating so that kind of kills your eat less theory. The amount of movement I would have to create to burn this off is enough to light up a town or two, maybe even three.

I don't see that one happening.

And the cold. I now can't, can not stand to be cold. The kicker is if I get too hot I kick all the blankets off but I instantly turn back into an ice cube. No slowly lowering the body temperature.

Delicate flower I am.

I come to bed and snuggle up to my nice warm husband who claims that I'm not really human as no human being can get that cold. Once I've thawed out, I no longer want the human heating pad who has me in a head lock so I won't put my cold feet on him again. I can't help it that the warmest part, therefore the fastest area to get warm, happens to be his inner thighs. And really all the screaming? I think he is just being overly dramatic. And they say men are tough. Pffft!

I'm being mocked right now as I'm usually sitting here typing this wrapped in a blanket with gloves on. I live in an old house with old windows - wind blows curtains dance. We tell the kids to layer and always wear socks AND slippers. Everyone has their own blanket to snuggling into while we watch TV. It truly is a bounding thing. A family that freezes together is pretty much stuck with each other.

This is the reason why I'm baking a butt-load of cookies, but I can't keep making cookies unless the current ones are eaten. Who am I to knock this delicate system out of balance? It does help that the guys can consume a large amount of cookies but lately it's at an alarming rate. Now I feel like I'm a slave to the dang oven to churn out another double batch of whatever. And heaven help me if each dude's fave isn't out there. Oy vey!

I was just trying to get warm here, people! That and get my cookie dough AND chocolate consumption done all at once. I am a multi-tasker.

Just in case someone wants to say it I'll head them off at the pass - I'm not pre-menopausal. I'm watching my cousin go through it and let me say it ain't purty! One moment she's in a blanket the next she's about to strip. I can tell her husband is loving her power surges as my aunt calls them. Since she's the oldest of the clan the rest of us are now terrified of 'the change'. So I know that's not my problem as I'm not giving up this blanket. I just don't like the head-lock as it messes up my hair. Maybe this explains some of my hair woes I wake up with - Grrr, baby! Or not.

Crap! I smell something burning!! I guess this is why I'm suppose to stay in the kitchen to monitor the cookies. How boring, but at least I don't need my blanket in there. Do y'all like to bake cookies or are you forced to make 'em at knife point?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

T Minus One Week and Counting

As I sat in my chair, I felt something disturbing in the air. It was on the tip on my tongue, it was right there and it tasted like dung. I started to panic wondering what could I have forgotten, and then it hit me - my last week of freedom about to be rotten. I rushed to the calender to see if this were true, but alas it was and my mood turned blue.

I spent the rest of the day fighting this mood, but old aunt Flo decided to show - golly how rude. As I was assaulted by cramps and bent over with pain, my phone began to chirp telling me it was about to rain. It was my father you see with just another request - if I would be able to hunt down a moving van, or truck, whatever was best. I looked at the phone with anger and disdain, clenching the phone feeling totally drained.

But then the sun broke out and started to shine, enter my hero that husband of mine. He said don't fear, keep my chin up - we'll be fine, as we will help extract them from our behind. I dried my tears on his shirt and laughed with glee as I pictured my mother serving her dirt. Just a helping or two of some humble pie as I refrain from rubbing her head in it - oh my.

But then a verse flashed across my mind and caused my laughter to stop short in my throat. I pictured a woman thrown at His feet and accusations were all around. I watched as He pulled back his coat and bent over and wrote on the ground. He stood back up and declared "Let him who has no sin throw the first stone". One by one the people did walk away, each accusation falling down in dismay. He looked upon her and asked "Woman, where are your accusers?" "There are none." She replied. "Neither do I. Go and sin no more."

As I tried to grasp what my Lord was telling me, I knew all at once what was meant to be. I was not without sin - there have been many and if I pointed at my mother who would win? Yes there is pain, but I've been praying for healing so no anger would remain. I knew He's been leading me to find my voice but how I use it is a powerful choice. Will I condemn or will I extend mercy? Will I cower or will I stand?

So as I have this last week, and before the pressure pours in, I choose to stand for what I seek. To do right by my God, my husband, and my children but to show mercy to my enemies all while standing my ground. To quote my son No is a beautiful word as ya can't get around it or back it down.

Now where's the chocolate and the Midol??? And someone better pony up that heating pad right quick!!

Monday, November 26, 2007

Is It A Guy Thing??

I love my boys dearly - hubby included, but what is the deal with them getting right up in my face?? All four of them do it. Right in my face. So close that it makes my eyes hurt. I'm talking about seeing spots, losing focus, eyes crossing, lean my head way back for someone to take a hint while my eye balls find a pulse all of their own.

Not to mention that I get to inhale the odoriferous breath. Surely my boys aren't the only ones out there that have to be physically dragged to the sink and threatened with me taking a wire brush to scrub the moss-covered teeth?? Anyone? Just us, huh? Dangnabbit.

Apparently one of my eyes is near sighted while the other one is far sighted. What? Another part of me not able to make up its mind - oh there's a shock. My eyes thus fight over who is going to focus first.

Eyeballs with control issues - I know no bounds as nothing is sacred.

This of course can give me headaches as they fight and bicker over who will focus first and at what distance. So can you imagine the havoc it creates when someone finds the sweet spot that causes my eyes to just ache and freak out all at the same time?

And I have four guys that all love to hang out in that sweet spot. Oh joyous me, however did I get to be so lucky? The freak thing is my husband loves to do this because he can actually see my eyes go bonkers. Thanks dear! I made these 'special' brownies just for you and when I say 'special' it might have a bit of laxative aftertaste to it but that's just a fluke - go ahead chew up. giggle, giggle!

I kid - I could never do it. Besides he's waaay more devious than I could ever hope to achieve. Push comes to shove, dude could so walk on the dark side. Therefore I'm not even going to nudge him in that direction. I just hope his spawn haven't taken after him in that area. So far so good.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Denied - Again!!

Thanks to some schmuck at KPEP who didn't bother to do his job and verify that Dad really was at work, they canceled his Thanksgiving time. By the time he found out anyone that could have fixed it was already gone for the whole weekend.

I felt bad for him as he was really upset. So bad was this feeling that I decided to spare him my latest round with Cruella. But then again he had complained in a letter to her that I whine too much and he doesn't know what I expect from him.

At this point in life - not much.

So the chair was denied - again, but I did have a good time with my grandparents, aunt, and cousin. I'm still amazed at how organized shoppers they are as they even have itinerary. Why didn't I get this from the gene pool??

While I would like to be out shopping it just wasn't meant to be. Instead we're hanging around here putting up TWO Christmas trees while I need to give all the guys haircuts and continue the never ending battle with the laundry. After listening to my Grandma tell us what all they use to do to do laundry I'm loving my washing machine and dryer!!!

A moment of thankful silence that I wasn't born way back when.

Friday, November 23, 2007

All Dressed Up For The Holidays

For someone who doesn't like change very much I seemed to switch things around a lot. I'm trying to gear up for the holidays - and on a happy note even.

We shall see how long this lasts.

I did get an email back telling me I did NOT qualify for the free CD. Turns out it's based on how many people check out yer blog in one month.

Virtual rejection - this is new for me.

I'm at least smart enough to stay home rather than brave the public on the shopping domain. If you're gifted in this area - yay for you. Since I don't have that gift I'm better off staying safe. My MIL has been known to crash into people with her cart if they go to slow. I'm still scarred over that one.

Hope y'all had a good Thanksgiving! And let the madness of the holidays begin!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Laughter Is Good Medicine

Someone told me the other day that I was really funny, well looking at the last several posts it certainly doesn't sound like it. Sorry.

I will try to take a break from the whining and find the funny things but I'll be honest it's not that easy to see during difficult situations.

God really does have a sense of humor. Last night I was flipping through some youtube Christian comedians, and if you have ever lived in Indiana from 1950 to yesterday then you've been exposed to the Gaither's whether you wanted to or not. Mark Lowry is a trip!! How I stumbled upon it is still a mystery and had clicked on something of his before I knew what it was.

Phone rings so I hit pause.

After screeching with Cruella, I had stormed through the house and did some power cleaning. I came back and saw that it was still on the Internet and on pause. I sat down still in a huff and hit play. It was so funny! I would like to post it but if you'll remember I'm still having issues with the whole posting stuff of the blog. But there I sat laughing my butt off and all that anger and rejection just lifted right off of me. God is so cool!!

With Thanksgiving being tomorrow I'm trying to gear up for the holidays on a good note. I was over at BooMama's and mercy she said to go here for a free MWS CD. I actually got through but now I'm in a cold sweat as Big Mama said we're to put the banner on the blog. Whodda what go where?? It might be too late to get the CD but you really should just go here and check it out - good stuff!!

It helped me get on with the thankfulness!!

To Shank - As In A Verb

Got off the phone with Mom Cruella DeVil and was just filled with all kind of anger warm fuzzy feelings. Apparently the woman thinks the word "no" is a challenge and not to be taken literally.

Forget June Cleaver think Glenn Close in 101 Dalmatians. Let the record show that Cruella went to prison for animal cruelty and in 102 Dalmatians fooled everyone that she had learned from the error of her ways and was a good person until she snapped out of it and went back to her evil self.

Mom? Is that you??

Except my Mom isn't even trying to come across repentive. She's what we would call combative. I told my husband we should install metal detectors so she won't shank us in the middle of the night.

Since I don't think the rapture is going to happened on or before December 5 I guess I'll have to dust off the tazer and put in new batteries. I'm kidding as I don't have a tazer but guess what I want for Christmas?? Insert evil cackle.

Sounds awful, I know but I've been hanging here trying to figure out schedules on when I need to pick up the bundle of joy from the bus station and which bus station would be helpful. She calls up and doesn't know time or location. Then why are you calling? What? Another laundry list of things you want me to do? Bwhahaha. Not happening - to which I get to hear my very existence bemoaned. Exactly - zap her til she twitches. I really am kidding sort of.

Here's the kicker. When I mentioned what ungrateful nasty hurtful load of bull the three of them had to say about me she was shocked, shocked that I actually cut open a box that was address to me at my address and went through her personal stuff. Insert some sort of snort, wait I'm still snot filled - how bout Gaaahh? She said she sees we're going to have words and she's not going to get into it on the phone.!

There is a whole lot more to the story then what all I've dredge up. 1, I didn't think anyone was reading this blog 2, there is just too much crap to even know how to sort it out. Do you really want to hear all the details of them missing their court date and how I was the brunt of it back in 04? All right around the holidays. So if I come across very ba-humbugy I have my reasons.

To hear 'we're going to have words' - this fight will not disappoint. I know the throw down with my Dad was totally lacking but Momma will not let y'all down. And she will use the chair - the woman has no shame. But just to prove to them I didn't fall far from this spiteful tree I'm going to re-confront my Dad - at Thanksgiving - in front of his parents - who think I'm a saint - and don't like my Mom. Yes ma'am I am. I'm so pulling the crying little kid while pointing at my Dad daring him to back out of this one routine. That is my own version of the chair.

Believe me when I say I'm not someone that looks for revenge - far from it. The sheer amount of crap I have put up with is proof that I'm not a vengeful person. But the double standard I have lived with my whole life, well, I've had enough. I was always told that good girls don't get angry. Pfffft!! God got anger too thank you very much. Anytime I would speak up for myself I was told I was outside of God's will etc. The thing I was taught at a young age was self doubt and then they turn it around to hold it over my head for compliance all with a scripture to back it up.

I told my husband I am so livid I'm done. If I'm such a disappointment to God and my family and if that's how God is then I want no part of their God. I know I'm not a disappointment to God and I can see how I've let my own fears dictate my actions. They've told me my whole life to get a backbone and stand for something. Okay. They asked for it.

Monday, November 19, 2007

And I Wonder Why I'm Not Feeling Well!

Where do I begin? I got through all the letters - my family says I'm not doing the will of God. Translation? I'm not doing what they want me to do. Boo-hoo. God must have taken a vacation and left my family in charge. Be afraid.

I practiced all the way out to get my Dad what I was going to say. He was so happy it almost seemed cruel to tell him. He is a nice guy - there is no way not to like him, but the man should have been a politician. The moment I was so worked up was finally upon me. I wasn't boiling with anger and simply told him in a calm voice simply because we were sitting at the Secretary of State.

Minor detail.

He looked totally guilty, as in a kid with several cookies stuffed in his mouth and his hand in the jar going for more caught look. But what baffled me the most was all I could get out of him was that I shouldn't have read those as they were private - that was it!!

I bet my mouth hung open as I waited for something more - anything to explain what was going on. When the crickets chirped the third verse I figured that he wasn't going to add anything else so I said they were addressed to my house and I wanted to know what all they were saying amongst themselves. I think I even stuck my hand out like your response? He wouldn't respond to any of it no matter what angle I came at. He kept saying there was mis-communication and that when we all sit down and talk about it we would clear the air. End of story. Yeah, right!

We didn't have much time. I dropped him off at KPEP for him to sign in and then sign out, loaded up the bike and we went to lunch where I hoped to get more of a response. Not much. He said there wasn't enough time and I took him to work.

Sunday he had a furlough so we had to hurry up out of church, said good-bye to in-laws, baked sale went well I heard, and I scarfed my lunch down and went and got him. Hubby and boys took the car to my cousin's house where we were meeting as he still can't come here yet. Sat around and not much of anything was cleared. Oh, there's a shock!

The whole thing was lacking in every way. I didn't get to use the chair, there was no hair pulling, no smack down - bummer. That sounds soo bad, but I'm tired of all the junk, tired of hurting and being hurt so I'm looking for an ending to something and it's just not going as fast as I would like it.

In the midst of all this in-laws were here. Boys were in a huff because they had to wait until Saturday to shop. Oh the nerve of us to make them wait. MIL made a cake that looked like a treasure chest. The woman is the baking queen.

I felt really bad for her as she's having problems with her sugar levels, my FIL, her church and unanswered prayer. She had some hard questions and I was completely drawing a blank on what to tell her and was nodding my head right along with her. Encouraging I was not!

Even though my parents have been a pain it has only been the last few years that they've pulled this. My parents didn't fight, we were in church my whole life and had the Leave It To Beaver family. I think that's what has thrown me for a loop is how they have been behaving the last few years. Can you picture June Cleaver in an orange jump suit clanging a cup across the bars??

I have no words of comfort to tell someone who has a crappy marriage what to do as I can't relate. With everything that has been going on Beth Moore's Loving Well has felt like a huge list of impossibilities - we can love anyone through anything. Is she kidding?? She said that if we've been using duct tape to keep our hearts together rather than letting God heal us then we're in for a rude awakening. Okay, that one hurt.

I thought the duct tape was working!! I was at least functioning. Now? I feel like the worn out guy 'time to make the doughnuts' who has to keep getting up and doing it over and over. God is definitely dealing with me about some stuff. I just haven't had time to sit down and study it.

Ever notice time can be an enemy?

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I would like to tell you that I'm above it all but that would be a bold face lie!! Another package arrived today - this time addressed to me - and with more letters. I'm almost wondering if she did it on purpose. Here kitty, kitty - come and swallow the bait. And like an idiot I did.

I was up late last night going through letters just scanning for my name to see what I would find. I got up early and had to stop and head to bible study. I was so mad I knew I better get around some other people in case lightening was zapping through the air I would be safe. Afterwards I was doing better - I didn't even rush home to finish. But somehow I found myself up to my knees in a couple years worth of letters to see what my kin had to say about me.

I am adopted because I don't know these people!!

I said I was close to my Dad - I'm now not so sure. Yes, ma'am it was that bad!! How do you recover when you read, "We should have remained childless as it would have been less stressful". Zowee!! I know! Y'all could say it was my own dang fault for looking. Riddle me this would you have looked? And I must say this did answer some life long questions I've always had rolling around in my head.

To answer my son's question of "what is the definition of manipulation"? Manipulate 1. to handle skillfully 2 to manage artfully or shrewdly, often in an unfair way 3 to falsify for one's own purposes. If I had any ambition I would look up the definition of two-face but I think we all get the picture.

A lady at church is letting me borrow Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I'm only half way through chapter two and ohmyword - it's been describing my life!! And not just in one incident but multiple. Spooky! Unfortunately I haven't gotten to the part that says how I'm suppose to defend the boundaries. Oh, I'm seeing my Dad tomorrow.

Now battling in this corner: weighing in as one ticked off chick fixin' to throw down on the old man! Verses the old geezer that will someday curse the day I was born - too late. Oh, I'm kidding. I haven't been disowned yet as they are waiting to see what I do as that will show my heart. Say what?

I think it would have been better to have been raised by wolves. "Good Christian Girls" are never allowed to show anger as that's not how we're suppose to act.

Bite me. Forgive me Lord for I have sinned.

My grandparents bought Dad a car, but for whatever reason put it in my name. So I need to pick up my Dad, go get insurance on it, get plates and transfer title to his name. Not bad for being the "disappointment" of the family. May I point out that I'm the only one NOT in prison so what's up with that?? The sad thing? My folks aren't hillbillies that buried their money in a backyard. They are extremely smart. So smart -they're stupid as I'm out here and they are not.

So here I am trying not to listen to the voices that have told me my whole life what I'm not, when the phone rings and the in-laws are on their way for the weekend a WHOLE DAY EARLIER! Could this weekend get any happier?? What's that? I'm suppose to bring something for a bake sale Sunday? With the in-laws in tow?? Just shoot me now as it would be kinder.

The truly messed up part is that once upon a time my in-laws did not approve of anything I did to which I replied take a number and get in line. But for whatever reason they sort of snapped out of it - that and I think I scare them. Who knows but the pressure from that side stopped only to be picked up from my side. Happy, happy Joy, joy. My husband looked at our boys and said marry an orphan. Hilarious that one is.

I truly hope this makes ya think that suddenly what you are up against isn't so bad after all. I never said the therapy sessions would be pleasant but that's all the time we have for As The Door Slams Shut - on his foot.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I Said Shredded Wheat Not Shredded Envelope!!

I opened my mailbox today to see that it was crammed with a rather large envelope. After thanking Mr. Evil Mailman and wishing him a rotten pleasant day I finally got it out only to discover that this large envelope looked like it was the main course for a dog.

Apparently the crotchety old geezer is spiteful because it looks like he was trying to cover it up by cramming it in the mailbox. I must attract spitefulness or something.

I looked at the return address *sigh* from my Mom. Too bad I didn't notice that it was address to my Dad in care of me. I pulled back what was left of the side of the envelope and pulled the stuff out.

Have you ever had those moments that it takes awhile for your brain to put two and two together and once you've reached the answer you're in too deep to turn around? No?? That's just me??? Dang!

Turns out my Mom mailed me her letters from my Dad as she will be leaving Club Fed. all too soon. Well, I didn't figure it out right away that these were her letters until I stumbled upon my name and what all my sperm-donor Dad had to say about me. It was sad as I saw a whole nother side to myself - I was reading someone else's stuff about me and I couldn't put it down.

So now I have an awareness of something I'm not suppose to be aware of. I'm very close to my Dad. It has been horrible not having him around. My Mom on the other hand, I'm use to her not being there for me so it hasn't been as devastating. Dad has been at the half way house (all of this over taxes) and it's been good to see him more, but things have still been a bit bumpy.

Then after reading his letters I've come to the conclusion that he is only telling me what I want to hear. I also found out that they've been disappoint with me that I'm not taking it up the tailpipe going along with them, and how they blame me that their grand kids haven't written to them.


The boys are so angry with this whole situation and especially my Mom that they don't want to write or talk to her. Neither one of my parents seem to see how their actions have hurt them and the rest of the family. Since my Dad is telling people what they want to hear all the blame has shifted towards my Mom.

The boys have written to my Mom and she blows off what they write. After one of her rants and raves she got everyone all worked up again and the older two typed up a letter. She's so close to getting out I haven't let them send it, but now I'm rethinking it. She wants a letter - okay. Insert evil cackle.

I get to run my Dad on some errands Friday one of them is to help him find an apartment. Won't this be a pleasant time? Actually I'm giddy as I'm willing to jump through hoops so my Mom doesn't come here to roost/roast whatever.

Allison if you're still out there I haven't had a chance to put things into words yet as all of this seems to be connected but I'm still at a loss for words. Hopefully that will happen some time soon.

Monday, November 12, 2007

I'll Take A Helping of Irritation with A Side Order of Anger, Please

Okie dokie, the paranoid feelings of 'I'm a bad parent' are in full force. The funny thing is I wasn't the cause of the irritation OR the anger with the boys.

This is where I would love some advice (hint hint Kellan) on what to do about almost teenagers.

We were at church yesterday and I was cornered not once, not twice, but three times to see if Thing1 and Thing2 would be in the Christmas play. Whoever said that 'children don't really know what they want' is wrong, wrong, wrong.

They said very politely the first seven times that they really don't want to be in the Christmas play. I think they are still traumatized when they were forced to wear tights as part of the guard costumes years ago. They were promised that there would be no tights involved in the costumes. People went on and on about what great guards they have been and how they've always done well in past plays etc.

To which Thing2 said he's tired of being treated like a hood ornament just because he's a twin. He said he's not part of the scenery he's an individual. I almost gave him a high-five. No one responded which only reinforced the angst. Fast forward a few minutes later when another lady approached them. This time Thing1 said same thing but with more, um, feelings.

Everyone said that they don't want to force them and then looked at me with the look 'that's your job'. When asked what it would take to get them to be in the play they both got steamed. Thing2 looked at Thing1 and asked what was the defenition of manipulation right in front of all. Oh yes he did!
My mouth hit the floor as did everyone elses. These guys are normally very polite and considerate and are very helpful and usually willing to help so to see them say forcefully no way was a shock to all. I said we would discuss it later to get them to chill and others to leave them alone.

The 'I'm a bad parent' feelings are making me wonder if all the drama with my folks are getting to them. Both my husband and I are getting stressed again and I get worried that it's spilling over to them. So I questioned them at length later which only got me more snarky attitude from them. They said they aren't sad or having feelings of wanting to pull away they just don't want to be in the s-t-u-p-i-d play.

Alrighty then. Is this a almost teenager thing?

They didn't want to go to the Harvest Carnival at church either as they said it was for little kids. The boys are short for their age. Everyone thinks they are only 9 or 10 much to their dismay, but everyone on my husband's side grew late so we're not worried about it. What shocked me was how snippy they got. They are always asking how they can help. They've been helping in the nursery, they've helped moms load up their cars with kids and stuff at bible study, etc. They said they would help do stuff, help with setting the stage but they don't want to be IN the play.

They were told that 'they're too little' and that the teenagers were going to do that. There is zero for middle schoolers at our church. Boys asked if they could go to youth group which I about choked. I'M not ready for them to go and I don't think they are ready for it. On top of that the high schoolers has let it be known that they don't want younger kids with them. The boys will still hang out and play with little kids but they also want some type of recognition that they are almost teenagers. Ugh!!

Any thoughts on this??

Friday, November 9, 2007

"Flowers, Chocolates, Promises You Don't Intend To Keep"

That is what went running through my head when I tried to promise God something, anything for Him to keep my kids mouths shut while on the phone with my Mom. Quote is from Beauty and the Beast.

Mom called and she wanted to wish the boys a happy late birthday. They pulled the you go first, no you go first routine. Down side, my Mom heard it. I forced Thing2 on the phone simply because he was closer and within arms reach.

I immediately started to fast and pray.

He was polite but didn't have much to say. Okay, I can handle that. Then Thing1 got on the phone.

Now I was starting to promise God things - uh, I'll be a nun. Nope, not catholic and I'm already married. I'll start getting up earlier - nah, I don't even buy that one. I'll pray more, I'll stop making snarky remarks about my in-laws, Lord. Anything just don't.let.them.repeat.what.I've. been.saying.about.her!!!

I was still begging when Thing1, who was also polite handed the phone off to Curious J. I was still deep breathing from the close collision that almost happened when suddenly it did. Inside that cute bundle of energy lies a wit sharper than a knife and sneakier than thief. The older two will tell you like it is and be done with it. CJ will wait until you least expect it and then zing you.

Oh, Lord Jesus you gave me Mini-me. Now that's just mean.

I used to pride myself on lulling people into a safe stupor before I V8 slapped them in the head. This was all verbally as I wasn't about to get my butt beat for hitting. I didn't even catch what all he said but he said it all fast and handed me the phone. Momsaidyourbeing a demandingpain inthebuttandwhyareyoulikethat, wellheresMombye.

I stared at the phone with mouth hanging agape almost afraid to put it to my ear with her own frequency thing and all. As I pulled the phone to my ear I rescinded all previous promises. Now God and I both knew I wasn't going to keep them but still it was the thought that counted. Who knew God could be spiteful?

I was telling my husband all of this later and while in mid-story he spilled stuff on the floor. Since I was in such a joyous mood I pointed out how I just swept today and maybe he could use a broom. 'You know the thing you walk past all the time' was my reply which he shot right back at me without waiting a beat - 'I know what one looks like, your Mother rides one all the time'.

I couldn't stop laughing!! I gave him a high-five and we both cleaned up the mess together still chuckling. I guess the apples don't fall far from the Tree.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I Can't Believe My Boys Turned 12 Today!!

It's true - Thing1 and Thing2 turned 12 today!! I was not prepared for this let me tell you. Have you ever had times where you looked up from the business of life and wonder when did this happen?? I was too busy with stuff to post this earlier so now that the day is done I've had some time to reflect.

Where are the Kleenexes??

I've noticed changes in them that weren't there a few month ago. Noticing they have the same amount of peach fuzz on their upper lip that I do. Oh, the bonding. Actually, the youngest one pointed it out. And yet we still let him live amazingly enough.

I will say that now that they 'know' it has sort of put the brakes on my um, relations with my hubby. I had a friend of mine with older kids complain about this a few years ago and I had no idea what she was talking about, but *Sigh*

I was flipping through their scrapbooks that I'm waay behind on and strolled down memory lane. Every nightmare you've ever heard about multiples is absolutely true. If one kid got his hand smacked for shoving raisins in the VCR then the other one would do it too to see if he would get his hand smack as well. That one drove me up the wall! They would run in opposite directions knowing only one of them could get caught. And the list goes on.

The latest is that Thing1 doesn't even want to read the same books as Thing2. Say what?? After begging reasoning with him that he needs to read more and after much demanding inquiring I found out that he won't even touch a book that his brother has for a couple of reasons. 1) His brother is a faster reader - has been know to read two Boxcar Children books in one day - after schoolwork. Dude is a machine. 2) Thing2 gives everything away thus taking away the mystery of it all. Then he said he likes fictional history rather than 'currant stuff'. I think I snorted at that one as Boxcar is anything but currant. Where that one came from is beyond me but luckily for him I have a stack of books - untouched by brother no less.

I can tell he's tempted but hasn't quite given in, especially now that he has more dreaded instruments of pain beloved Bionicles. The boys had a blast. I made them do a treasure hunt to find their gifts. Great idea and then I had to do it. And because I'm all about fair it was Curious J's half birthday so he got a few things too. How weird is that - when one has a birthday then it's the other's half birthday. Try and figure that one out. Same date different months and years.

So I was up late last night typing out clues, wrapping gifts, hiding gifts and securing clues to pirate characters all while keeping which one straight. I pulled it off and they had fun. I didn't foresee them trashing the house looking for clues. Brilliant plan minus seeing the entire picture equals more work for me. It didn't help that their Dad was dirty when he hid the clues.

Thing2 was all about the Bionicles and we had to drag him away to eat dinner. They about came to blows when asked what they wanted for a birthday dinner. Thing1 wanted lasagna while Thing2 wanted meatloaf. Since I'm all about fair - I made both. I'm a great loving mother.

There we sit with a slab of lasagna and a slab of meatloaf on the plate. It was all good but weird. My brain kept getting confused. The smell in the air was nice but confusing aroma of two different things. Then the tongue would send messages to the brain and the brain would say something like what?? Since their Grammy is bringing a treasure chest cake but won't be up for a few weeks they picked out a chocolate mint cake - very good but rich. Thank goodness for the ice cream or I wouldn't have eaten it. All in all - I won't ever do that again!

Sitting here just thinking about the last decade and it amazes me at how much I wanted change when they were little and then once I got it I wouldn't mind going back for awhile. In my mind I see them a lot younger than what they are and my heart clings to those images as well.

I hope I learn the balance of looking back fondly and not regretfully, to squeeze everything out of the right now, and to look forward to the future and the good times instead of worrying about the what ifs and dreading the inevitable all while missing the present.

I love my guys! The same yet different. Patient with those that can't tell them apart, very tender hearted and helpful to any who ask. They're brave, smart, funny, thoughtful, and ornery. I just hope we don't screw them up!

Monday, November 5, 2007

One Month and Counting!

Do you hear that? I think that is the theme song for Jaws playing in the background. We are now down to one month until the folks are free. I would like to tell you I'm excited at seeing my parents, but that would be a lie. At least my Mom is saying she is willing to 'play along' - for now. That's a relief - for now.

Actually, I'm having a we'll see attitude. Everyone keeps saying we're going to have an interesting conversation when we all get together. More like the trailer park is fixin for a throw down. I think my husband is reverting back to childhood from all his WWF watching. I think he has a chair hiding. Can't you just see him giving my Mom the chair?? Jimmy Fly Shnooka would be proud. Hulk Hogan would say it was lacking the full intensity of a good whacking.

I have no idea what any of that means but hey! It sounds funny!!

On another note: my pjs did not, repeat, did not get vandalized so that was good. We were successful at defeating all pranks. Still rolling a lot of stuff through my head that once I can get it straight I will have to share. Got to pray for some ladies and took off my plastic mask and said the flat out honest truth on some things.

I feel giddy with honesty. The truth - she sets ya free.

It was the first time I had ever seen Beth Moore. I've read several of her books but never heard her talk - what a hoot! But she talks too fast to take notes. It was DVDs of Loving Well. Like I said, got a lot rolling around that once I can get it into words I'll get it down so I don't forget it.

Now the next step is fighting off the holiday blues. I love fall! The leaves are falling fast and we are past peek. The boys' birthday is tomorrow and then there is Thanksgiving, which is my favorite holiday. The best holiday in my opinion as we celebrate food, people!! Then the Christmas season hits. To be honest, from the end of October to mid January I'm a ball of nerves as I look at the checkbook and wonder how are we going to survive.

Lately, the whole God will provide thing has set me on edge - where is it? Does God cover late fees? Do I look for the money tree in the back yard or booby trap a leprechaun and beat the tar out of him until he hands over the gold? This hasn't been helping the whole trust God issues. Part of me keeps saying this is a test, this is only a test so quit your griping on you won't pass the test.

Throw in all the here we go with the folks coming back on the scene and the money stuff add some holiday madness and you have me looking for tequila and chocolate hiding under a blanket singing something that makes no sense whatsoever. At least I'll have a good time until I need to pay homage to the white throne and remember why I don't drink. Lightweight that is.

Friday, November 2, 2007

I'm Off To See The Wizard Er, The Ladies Retreat

Yes, I'm a goin'! Although, I've heard that pranks will be pulled so I'm already in my pjs - sweat shirt and pants! Can't sew my pjs shut if I'm already in them - so there! I've been to 'retreats' before and they usually ended up just being eh, religious cat fights. I ain't skeert! Well maybe.

I would like to say I'm kidding. I'm hoping that this will go well and to have a chance to get some things straight in my head.

I'm still trying to put things into words. A friend of mine was telling me about the art of setting healthy boundaries. One of the things that jumped off the page at me was How do I know when my boundaries have been violated? When I don't feel I have a choice and when I feel resentment and unappreciated for my efforts. One reason why people don't set healthy boundary lines is fear.

Oh my word, I think I just described my entire life!! And with multiple situations and people.

I was at bible study yesterday and during praise and worship I had this picture of this garden that at one point was beautiful and was suppose to be surrounded by a stone wall. Ever see a picture of English gardens that have the brick or stone walls around it? Well this one the walls were all knocked over - so totally destroyed that not one stone was near another stone. There was a patch of fruit in one area and some in another area. All the other fruit was trampled on and a lot of the stalks were smashed into the mud. Mud was everywhere.

That's my garden and others have disregarded it - walked all over it, used it and ruined it. No wonder I feel angry a lot. I had just read a book about selfishness is demanding something from someone else without considering what that person's feeling and situation is and what it would cost them. And after reading about boundary lines I feel like I have a light bulb moment.

This time last year, I see how I was defending a boundary line with someone and that person manipulated me off of it. Said I was violating the love commandment and that I was outside of God's will. Sent me into a depression as I felt no matter what I did it's not good enough. Boy what a liar!!

Now the trick is to figure out how to rebuild my walls and defend them without blowing people out of the water. My husband said to use the Word as the stone wall - anything that contradicts the Word bat it out of the park. So how do I do that and yet honor my mother or walk in love? Interesting. For the first time I see what is going on and what the problem is.

This of course makes me feel really, really vulnerable. Lately our church has been challenging the women to take their masks off and be real. Not an easy thing to do! I've been open, honest and real and was met with judgement. So we shall see what comes out of this weekend. Will I move forward or retreat even further?

I'll spoil it and say move forward. I've also heard from several other women that they've been in a funk too. We shall go forth and conquer the funkiness!

Why does that sound like a soap commercial?

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Got A New Look

I was checking out Alison's blog and big puffy heart the look of her blog. I had seen these types of blogs before so when I saw the button at the top I had to check it out. I was hoping there would be more than a few to pick from as I didn't want to pick the same one. Nothing screams like stalker than picking the EXACT same layout as the person who just commented on your blog. *ahem*

Luckily there were plenty to choose from - some I really wished they didn't have but that's just me. Cool stuff!! But holy cow was that hard on the brain and the ticker as it lost all my extras and I had to hunt them down and paste them back on. I was think of mixing backgrounds for every season - now I'm not so sure.

Oh, who am I fooling??

I'll probably keep messing around and then pat myself on the head for getting it just right. (insert Snoopy happy dance)

We aren't into celebrating fear and ghosts so we're going out to eat (ye-haw!) and then coming home to watch some movies while eating candy with the lights off. Hopefully the sugar buzz will wear off in time for bed, because the guys hate it when I'm all hyped up.

Had ya going there for a second, didn't I? Stay safe!

Monday, October 29, 2007

I'm Not In A Rut - I Think

Okay, I'm being accused of being stuck in a rut - or more specifically a funk. I'm being forced encouraged to go on a ladies retreat at our church, and I mean bullied strongly encouraged. I'm not entirely thrilled with going.

It's not my fault. When the said retreat was planned it was picked on a weekend that my in-laws were planning on coming up for Thing1 and Thing2's b-day. We found out just a few days ago that they aren't going to be able to come up for a few weeks after that. Boys were bummed but I appreciated the heads up.

However, something came over my children for them to share this news with people at church and it got around. After much demanding insisting that I come I tried to bow out gracefully for two reasons. 1. Money, especially with the boys b-day around the corner. 2. Didn't want to, as I would need to make stuff, pack stuff - all in all more work that would require more ambition than what I could muster.

I tried to appeal to my husband's cheapness frugalness but he sold me out and said that I needed to go. Ya try to submit and they hang you out to dry - refuse to submit and you get a fight. Who keeps changing the rules??

But he claims that I've been in a funk. Do tell. He said that before all the drama that my parents brought with their 'I fought the law and the law won' saga I use to be a bubbly personality that would jump at the thought of anything fun. He said I don't do that anymore. How observant he is - so bright his folks call him sunny.

I would like to think that I'm burned and bitter older and wiser and have learned that doing too much is not good for the family. Boys got tired of being in the car ALL THE TIME as we traveled back and forth - this is of course when gas was affordable. Now since I only get one tank a paycheck I try to plan accordingly.

Oh, that was another point I brought up thinking surely the man would remember that I only get ONE TANK OF GAS and there is no way I can go there and back. Actually after looking at the map it's not too far from here, but that's besides the point. Another friend said she'll be going right by my house and said she'll stop and pick me up.

Drat. Double drat.

My friend Kathy looked at me and said guess you don't have any more excuses why you can't come. A part of me sees that as a challenge. Is there something wrong with this picture? I'm actually thinking that coming up with some whooper of an excuse, nay not one but many, as a fun mental challenge. I think I miss the Blue's Clues days. At least there was an excuse for me being slightly off - now it's just the reality of me. *Sigh*

Kathy went on to say that my personality is a yellow (sanguine) and I used to thrive on this so what's the deal? Oh, how about life chewed me up and spit me out and if I just quiver quietly in the corner it won't notice me?? Nah, too depressing.

What's the old Christian-ese stand-by? "Why nothing is wrong. I'm fine." (adjust plastic smile).

Okay, what if I've embraced the funk? What if I made peace that life totally sucks? Apparently that is not acceptable for some people. I'm now trying to find stuff to bring so I can get it cleaned and now have to come up with something to snack on. This means now once I've made up my mind (believe me, no small task) I get to run to the store to get the stuff and then I have to make it. Sounds like too much work.

Aren't I a bowl of sunshine?? :D

My hubby asked what if I have a great time. He misses the point that I just don't feel like getting off my butt and doing ONE MORE STINKING THING all the extras just to go to something that I may have a good time. There is no guarantee that I'll have a good time therefore I can't entirely justify all the work it would involve just to go on a possibility.

Oh, dear Lord help me - I sound like my husband. Okay, I'm in a funk. Now what??

Friday, October 26, 2007

Ever Have One Of Those Days?

Busy week - stuff to do with this and that, run here go there, get this done, go grocery shopping etc. Picked up Meet The Robinsons and was looking forward to just hanging out today with the boys and nothing to do.


Dad calls and says he'll be able to come tomorrow once someone does a 'walk through' the house. "The what, when??" I ask. Oh, he might call or JUST SHOW UP!!! Oh, okay, um, holy crap sure no prob is what I said and then he has to go. I hang up the phone and scream. . .

CODE RED!! SOMEONE'S COMING OVER! (Translation: Get dressed, make beds, and straighten up all rooms especially the ones that are their responsibility.)

I was pretty impressed with the boys because we were like 20 minutes into the movie and even though they wanted to watch it - they moved with speed and agility most people would be envious over. Oh, who am I fooling - anyone would have loved to moved like these three can. Uh, but not like we've practiced or anything *ahem*.

Anyway, got the place cleaned up rather quickly and was finally able to sit back down and watch the movie. Another 10 minutes goes by when there is a knock on the door. Phooey - I missed most of the movie as I did the walk through and had to answer some questions.

Questions?? Like what? Do we have call forwarding? Huh?? No.

Is there any firearms? Y-y-yes. Long story - but they aren't mine and we don't know what to do with them since they're my Dad's who now can't even touch them or his butt goes back to prison. They are not assessable as that's the last stupid thing I need to deal with. I'm not anti-gun - far from it, but it's one thing to take responsibility for something you own verses having to take responsibility for something you don't own.

So turns out Dad now can't come to my house and visit. The guy said it's a good thing I told the truth otherwise Dad's P.O. could come through my house - cut open boxes, ransack the place, and if he found any Dad would go back to prison.

That made my head spin. One, it's my house so why would the P.O. go through MY stuff to incriminate my Dad?? Two, why would Dad be in trouble when he doesn't live here?? Somethings in life just doesn't make much sense.

I'm glad I told the truth, but felt bad that they cancelled the visit and said I need to get rid of them before he can even visit. Omg! What in the world am I suppose to do with these things?? I thought there was a right way verses a bad way to get rid of them.

I guess dig a whole in the back yard and shove them in is out as that is still on the premises.

It's too bad there isn't a 101 class or a book on how to cope if you or a loved one has been incarcerated. There ya go - I'll write a book titled Everything You Never Wanted To Know About the Penal Code. Does Paris still give interviews? Maybe I can get her to write the forward.

And dontcha know while I'm typing this my Mom calls and goes berserk over the whole thing. She said that they are treating Dad like he's property. Why yes, yes they are - and your point is? The definition of custody: 1. the legal right to take care of and CONTROL someone or something, 2. kept in prison by the police. So when they say you're in prison custody what does that mean?? Hmm, I wonder. What is stubborn for 200, Alex?

Well, times up for this therapy session. Tune in next time on The Door That Slams Shut.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Computer Hates Me

I tried to post another youtube clip - twice but for some reason it wouldn't show up. I thought I would share my misery but the computer took pity and spared you.

What could be so bad, you ask? Okay, you didn't, but now I have to explain the misery so lets face it - curiosity will get the best of us.

We were flipping through the channels late one night and came across a biography on Weird Al of all people. I think he's funny and his musical talents are incredible. I have no idea how he can sing so fast. I think he's goofier (if that's a term) than me (if that's possible). Personally, I'm just thrilled that he finally shaved that caterpillar off his upper lip and got rid of the fro.

They showed an animated clip of Wiesel Stompin Day. It was soo funny that I was cracking up laughing so hard it started a coughing fit. Thanks to having children I'm now a leaky faucet and had to run to the bathroom. I would like to claim that my experience with absorbent material is only limited to once a month but that would be a lie. There should be some type of warning as to how much something can hold.

Okay, you're retching - I'll try to stay focused.

The next day my husband looked up Weird Al on youtube and as luck would have it our boys heard it. They thought it was funnier than we did and were piled on the floor laughing. And to boot they are Lego freaks so when we found little Lego videos to go with the songs they latched onto it like a dog on a injured cat.

Weeks later, I still have some of these songs going through my head. Like the Sega Begins to American Pie: "My, my this here Anikin guy, maybe later someday Vader but now he's just a small fry. He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye singing soon I'll be a Jedi. Soon I'll be a Jedi." or something like that. It's stuck good. I've even tried singing Veggie Tales to help block it out but so far no luck.

I tried posting the White & Nerdy video clip simply because Donny Osmond is dancing in the background and it's hysterical. I kid you not! And when someone posts a clip from youtube it's like a mouth to the flame - you just cain't help it! So take a sigh of relief that you're not tempted. Or go to youtube and look up Weird Al's White & Nerdy.

However, if the clip shows up mysteriously some time day - twice - then my computer is just as spiteful as I am and for that I'm truly sorry. Well, sort of.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Does God Grade On A Curve?

With the last few days I truly do wonder if God grades on a curve because it's been rough!! Happy dance when I make it verses hide the face when I blow it, which may explain why I walk around with a pillow.

Got a phone call nice and early from my Dad. He had a flat on the bike we took him and he didn't have any money to get it fixed. He said the store wasn't open yet and the tire place didn't have any bike tubes and could I please help. Major thanks to my aunt and uncle that gave me some money for Dad or this would have been impossible.

Got the boys up, dressed, grab breakfast and out the door in record time. Made the hour long drive at a good pace and found my Dad. Bleary eyed I went into the hardware store and paid for the bike tube to hear the cashier say, "You're a good daughter". I about broke down bawling right there, but instead thanked her. She said she wished her Dad was still around so she could do stuff to help him out. Said he died of cancer and that her Mom wouldn't let her be around him. I said I would like to kick my Mom in the head too. Dad didn't appreciate that one. Where was that pillow?

BUT, very big but, that was yesterday. I should finish this story, after the bike tire was fixed we wrestled the bike into my van with three kids in it and gave my Dad a ride to work. Once we got there the rear door, which I swear hates me, wouldn't open. I say it hates me as it only opens for my husband. So we had to wrestle the darn bike out the side door after kicking all passengers out. Whee.

Back to that BUT - after a weird day yesterday, today turned out interesting. We all slept in which is always good. Went to do a devotional and it turned into an all day talkathon.

Ever had on of those?? Where someone says something that brings up something that had hurt someone's feelings and don't you know we all have to add our two cents worth to this pile type of talkathons?? And they say boys aren't moody, yeah right!

So that BUT is still there - kind of like mine, hmm - and in the course of this talkathon it turns out that Thing1 is EXTREMELY upset with my Mom. At one point I wanted to say take a number and get in line, but this anger was so intense he wasn't seeing that he was taking it out on his brothers. He's not a baby, he's soon to be 12 and all it's glory and the emotions are already working over time but this is something that has hurt deep. It took ALL DAY to finally get to the root of what was going on. That feeling of wanting to kick my Mom in the head was back extra strength this time.

He said he would be able to forgive her if she would just say she's sorry. Oh how do you explain something like this? Yes, kiddo I feel your pain. A lot of talking and encouragement to forgive even if he NEVER gets an apology. After a lot of airing of feelings and praying all the boys had a lighter load by evening while I was saying 'calgon take me away'. Do they even make that stuff any more?

Oh and did I mention in the course of the talkathon it turns out my nephew told the boys the birds and the bees? Oh yes he did. We were aware of this as it came up about a month ago and hubby took older two for a hike and THE TALK. He said he answered some questions and it went well. So I thought that areas was covered for now. Now picutre me wondering how did I even get into THIS conversation (it started with me telling them I have reasons for not letting them watch certain movies as part of our devotional). I approached it as what did the little jerk say and I'll fill in the blanks or correct it - that approach worked! I honestly don't know who's face was redder! The funny thing was Thing1 was bright pink and for the most part couldn't even look at me while Thing2 asked to know the whole enchilada and even stopped me to ask more detailed questions.


If the rapture would have happened today around 3:20 p.m. that would have been my fault!!

The whole time I kept wondering how did their father get out of this and I thought he covered all of this! But I guess it was inevitable as I seem to have to add my two cents to everything concerning my kids - so why should this be any different?

Found out a lot of what public schools are teaching and have to say I now have reason six million, eight hundred seventy-four thousand, nine hundred fifty-two why I home school. Their tolerance for all should not include teaching the, um, mechanics of that life style thankyouverymuch. Also IF I see my nephew again he's got some 'plaining to do (and better pray that I don't smack him)!

So there I am totally spent watching my boys - all three of them - with a lighter spirit. A weight was lifted off and for that I'm so thankful to God - thankful for the insight that I knew something was going on and the wisdom on how to get through it.

But also left with some frustrated feelings at my nephew for his garbage and my Mom for not seeing how her actions have affected others. Would love to slap them both up side the head. Not an easy thing to sit here and point the boys towards God, that we need to follow Jesus' example on how to treat people, but want to act really bad towards people that are 'family' (I use that term loosely now.)

We've had to step back and pull away and it truly amazes me the garbage that has been flung at me by my Mom and my brother (nephew's dad). They've questioned my beliefs and said that my claim to being a Christian is false because I'm saying they are wrong. But yet I look at the fruit in both of their lives and wonder about them. The question who's right and who's wrong as wondered through my head on more than one occasion.

More than what I can put into words but for now, at this moment my kids are okay and the mark of all this junk isn't on their brow weighing it down with worry. I hang on to that to keep my own at bay.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

You'll Never Be Good Enough and Other Insightful Lessons From My Mother-In-Law

No joke that's what she said BUT it's not what you think. We were talking about our mothers and surprisingly we found out we have a lot in common in that department. She said one of the most painful and freeing thing to face was that she 'would never be good enough for her mom'. She said when that thought hit her is was so painful but it released her from trying to always get the pat on the head that would never come.

I thought about that one for quite awhile. If I'm not trying to win my Mom's approval then would I have a problem saying no? In the past if I stand up for myself it was always a bigger headache than what I thought it was worth. My MIL said that she went through the same thing with her mom. She said her therapist said that her mother had already had ground and didn't want to give it up.

Suddenly I had this picture in my head of Risk. The two countries were jockeying for position to see who was going to occupy the land. Sort of interesting but spooky all at the same time. Do I think my Mom sits up at night thinking new ways to see how she can irritate me? No, but I also see how she has dominated my domain in the hundred thousand little things. Anything from 'are you wearing your hair that way' - 'that doesn't look good on you' - to 'well I've raised you better' - the list is endless.

I also see how that has undermined my self-confidence in soooo many areas.

I was doing a study series awhile ago about taking back ground that satan has stolen and after talking with my MIL I have to chuckle that it's almost the same strategy. I listened while she told me all the little things her mom did to undermine her confidence and self-esteem. It was like someone turned on the light. While I don't think my Mom has set out to destroy me, I have decided I don't want to go through all that my MIL has gone through with her mom.

Golly gee, I think I'm starting to find that backbone my Mom was always telling me to grow!

Something tells me she will dread the day she made that suggestion - five hundred thousand, four hundred seventy-two times. They say repetition is good for a child, which when you think about that makes sense as to why I've had to tell her NO! 512 times. Looks like I've got a ways to go.

I think I'm still stinging from her comment about needing to hire a tutor for my son with his math as 'math wasn't my best subject'. Suddenly I'm not able to teach 3rd grade math for pete's sake? I taught the older two with no problem and they are doing 6th grade math thankyouverymuch with no problems. Let the record show that I can balance my check book which is something she was NEVER able to do. ahem. Also being told I'm not doing anything meaningful with my life was a bit of a blow.

That's it, I'm taking her off my Christmas card list! I think I'm going to have a shirt made for her that says 'Doesn't play well with others'. Actually I told her about it and she thought it was funny. I don't want to paint ONLY an ugly picture of her. She does have a sense of humor and is so talented in so many areas that has made me feel like a bump in a rug next to her. There are a lot of qualities that I truly do admire and wished I had, BUT the woman can be cold, cutting and down right mean at times. She taught me about prayer and how it changes things, I just don't get it sometimes as to what went wrong. Oh, I have my theories mind you but no actual facts.

I read Joyce Meyer's book about Approval Addiction. I've read it but it seems like I might need to re-read it. At least I'm now finally able to identify what in the world is going on - with me that is. Time to pull the plug! I'm realizing that I am actually good enough - for God, my husband, and my kids.