Monday, March 31, 2008

It's My 100th Post!

Who knew the train would still be on the tracks this long?? Yes, I actually put 100 random things about me. This was hard as I'm used to obsessing what I think not what I am.

1. Yes, we had a blast at the concert.

2. No, I did not go into the mosh pit.

3. We stayed up in balcony where it was safe.

4. Curious J had some serious gas and since he was up on the rail leaning against me I about passed out.

5. My husband can sing.

6. He can also scream on key - now that's talent.

7. I didn't lose my hearing so no need for healing.

8. The band said that they almost hate to admit they are a Christian rock band cuz they don't want people to blow them off or not listen to their music.

9. That kind of made me sad but I guess in their line of work it is about the fan base.

10. We grabbed shamrock shakes from McDs on the way home.

11. I saw my cousin yesterday.

12. Dude is pretty buff. His mom was teasing him about charging him for postage and he said well he's going to have to start charging for freedom. Snort!

13. He was happy to be home - tired - but happy. Seeing all of his friends - I wonder how well he will adjust back into the swing of things. I passed along thanks and he said he's not sure what to say about that as he was just doing his own thing. I said well you can go and a lot of us can't so thanks for being the one to go clean up the mess. That got me a bear hug that about crushed me.

14. Buff dude who doesn't know his own strength + hugging a squishy Winnie the pooh = fluff to about pop out of the seems.

15. I remember my brother coming home from Dessert Storm or Shield I can't remember - those guys had an air yeah I'm bad and I can rip your nose off your face. Testosterone is a scary thing.

16. I have TWO boys that make me wonder and I try not to think about monkey boy going through it. Will it be like Curious George turning into King Kong??

17. For some reason people don't understand why I'm praying for the rapture - hopefully before Thing1 and Thing2 start drivers ed.

18. I asked the Hubs to add his two cents worth to this list and I about had to slap him with a slipper to come up with something.

19. I must be boring.

20. He said that I'm obsessed with coloring my hair. He said if I claim to see two grey hairs I'm off to buy hair dye. This coming from the man that took him three days to notice my hair was a completely different color and only after he saw the used dye box when he took out the trash. Ahem!

21. He said that I'm a great encourager.

22. And I can't take compliments worth a crap.

23. For Kellan's sake I will keep this clean. Onions make me f*rt especially onion rings. He said I can hold my own and I should lift my head with pride.

24. He said I'm a city girl who married a trailer trash country boy.

25. When I take that into consideration I no longer feel pride in holding my own with the trailer park.

26. I love to make my husband laugh.

27. We are polar opposites from each other in personality.

28. But we seem to get each other.

29. We both big puffy heart love to read.

30. He can read and watch things that I can't cuz I'm a total wuss but I make him tell me about it.

31. I met him at bridal bible college.

32. I hated the dress code.

33. I walk like a wounded hippo when in heels.

34. I hate the feel of nylons.

35. I am so happy we've been at a few churches where jeans and pants are okay.

36. I met my husband cuz he was skipping his Greek class.

37. I skipped class a lot cuz I was bored and I felt like I was totally wasting my time.

38. I don't do well taking tests.

39. I got my M.-R.-S. degree and nothing else.

40. Why God told me to homeschool when I barely survived my own education is sort of cruel and unusual punishment.

41. I got married when I was 20.

42. What the h*ll was I thinking??

43. I had twins when I was 21.

44. I was convinced God hated me for a while.

45. He doesn't hate me - He just has a warp sense of humor.

46. I'm proof of it. Why are you laughing?? He made you too!

47. Joanna means God is gracious which is good because I test that every.single.day.

48. Jesus is my center. If I do anything that is good or worth mentioning is because He was behind it telling me to do the right thing.

49. I try talking about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit without preaching AT people.

50. I was told by an associate that I'm a religious person and that grieved me.

51. God is about relationship NOT religion and I'm trying to go about it His way.

52. As a parent I get that there are rules - yes I could let my kids horf down sugar all day but it would not be good for them as they would destroy everything around them. Not to mention what I would do to them.

53. So it makes sense to me that there are rules God wants us to live by for our own good.

54. But I find that I still question God - a lot.

55. I am a work in progress or a train wreck waiting to happen.

56. Luckily for me Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith. Yeah He ain't done!

57. So are we there yet?

58. I bet that annoys God just as much as it does me when my kids say it.

59. I now think that is God's way at payback - just give us kids just like ourselves.

60. I have to reassure myself that God isn't spiteful. I just had it coming.

61. I grew up hearing that if you're a Christian nothing bad will happen to you.

62. What a load of bull as I found out that is neither true nor biblical as it says quite the opposite in the bible.

63. I now think it's wise to question everything and not just go on some one's opinion.

64. My Dad always said opinions are like butt holes - everyone has one and most of them stink.

65. It sort of annoys me when people call me Joann. Anymore I just blow it off.

66. Little kids always have a hard time saying it so it comes out Jo-nanna. Cracks me up.

67. I am the human ice cube.

68. My husband silently curses me every night when I put my frozen limbs on him.

69. When it's really cold out I get so cold that I'm shivering, I sometimes find that when I crawl into a warm bed and steal my hubby's heat - it's better than s*x.

70. I said sometimes.

71. I'm not cold all year round.

72. Since I'm stuffed with too much fluff why don't I feel insulated??

73. I love Emperor's New Grove.

74. I could quote the whole thing.

75. We quote Princess Bride a lot.

76. My kids crack me up.

77. They think I'm funny.

78. They tell me every.single.day that I'm beautiful.

79. Take that! To everyone that told me I wasn't _________ (fill in the blank).

80. Most people take a step back with panic in their eyes when I'm being goofy.

81. My children are sort of weird like me.

82. Thing1 better be glad Thing2 took some of the weirdness gene.

83. Curious J got the full dose.

84. He is my spawn and ultimate revenge on society.

85. I sort of feel bad about that.

86. I cry a lot.

87. But I don't like people to see me cry.

88. We lost a baby between the twins and CJ.

89. We named her Brenna and had her buried.

90. Very helpful to name a 'lost' baby.

91. A person is a person no matter how small.

92. I think I have cried enough to fill Lake Michigan.

93. Okay, not that much but close.

94. I don't like disappointing people and try hard not to let people down.

95. Found out that's not possible as there are people that will suck the marrow out of your bones if you let them.

96. Being a people pleaser will cause you much angst when you have to stand up for yourself.

97. But I found it's totally worth it if you do. If you won't stick up for yourself who will?

98. I'm finding I'm more at peace when I do stand up for myself than just go with the flow.

99. I don't beat myself up for taking it up the tailpipe instead I pat myself on the back.

100. I've been humming "We're Not Going To Take It" (I think Twisted Sister) - I think I need to learn about balance next.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Where Do I Begin?

Right now I'm laughing cuz the Hubs came THIS CLOSE to getting stuck with my folks while I won't be here. Nah-nah-na-na-nah-na. Oh this would be justice. Granted cruel and unusual but justice just the same.


But God was kind and they won't swing by. I didn't care as that would have been SEP - someone else's problem. So what is the acronym of lol with evil cackle? Is it elol - evil laugh out loud? Anyone?


The boys are bouncing off the walls as tomorrow night we will be rocking out with Skillet, and TFK. These guys RAWK!!




One thing I like about music is it doesn't matter what you look like or where you're from it's all good. Picture Winnie the Pooh rocking out and you will have a good visual of me doing the happy dance. Hmm, maybe that's not a good visual but you'll see it none the less.

I showed this picture to the boys and they told me that I need to take that off my girly background as I am being blasphemous to all things that rock. Amen.

I'm so proud.

But the girly background stays so they can just deal with it by leaving the room instead of standing right next to me.

Uh oh, I hope I'm not about to get sneak attacked. Excuse me for a sec...

Much better. I had to chase them out of here. No privacy - terrible. This is why locks were put on doors - to keep children out!

Where was I? Oh yeah, I think I will need some healing oil for my ears. I'm to be in the nursery so this is both good and bad. I won't feel bad for not being able to hear the message as I hope I'll be able to hear, but the bad is I won't notice if any of the kids are screaming. Wait, that's not bad. Me sees an evil plot forming.

And, if that wasn't enough, I found out my cousin is now state-side from being in Iraq and we will be having a home coming party Sunday. Ye-haw!! And thank you God for keeping him safe.

This is turning out to be an awesome weekend!! For those who are about to rawk we salute you!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Oh The Horror

We had to go shoe shopping and if you’ll recall I have a budget that would make Mickey Mouse off himself. I’ve been trying to find shoes for Thing1 and Thing2 as their feet are starting to mutate but no – Wal-Mart was a bust. So we went to Payless.

Clearly they do not stock the store for any males. Oh they have a few here and there but not much on selection or sizes. Did I mention I was dragged out of there without getting much of a chance to look? No? I didn't mention that?

Can you feel the angst??

Luckily before we left hubby dug out all shoes for Curious J who went from a size 13 kids to a 3youth. He’s only 8!! I’m thinking he’s going to be a tall dude. All I could think was that’s one less pair of shoes I need to buy. Also a pair of hiking boots were found that was only worn twice (gripe, mutter, mumble) but I felt better seeing it have a second chance.

Thing1 and Thing2 said their shoes hurt so bad that they grabbed my shoes and said that felt better but still a little small. I threw my slippers at them and they forked em back over.

Honestly, I don't know where they get it from. Ah, moving on...

Our quest was to find shoes. No one prepared me for how stinking hard it would be to find shoes that are a size 6 for preteen boys OR how much those puppies would cost. To top that off, I have been one of those moms that refused to get them laced shoes. I have things to do and places to go here people, so no way was I going to get stuck tying shoes 5 million times a day.

I figured when they went off to college they could learn to tie their own shoes. And this was working for me until this time around.

By the time we hit our 4th store we were willing to just settle on the boxes for shoes and use duct tape for laces. I was willing to be a redneck as I was reaching maximum state of angst. But Meijer actually came through for us. Who knew that finding their shoe size would cause great wailing and gnashing of teeth?

And that was just from me.

Since CJ got leftover hiking boots AND shoes as they were all in good condition, we had to try and find hiking boots as well for older brothers.

Budget of mouse tried to squeak up but I silenced it by saying they would get out of the house more with their Dad thus leaving me all alone. Can I get a witness in the house??

Thankfully we found two pairs of hiking boots on clearance even though they aren't the same size. I have found that most stores don’t believe in carry more than one of the same size. What's the deal with that?

But the truly wonderful thing was we managed to also find wide width shoes that were normally $40 but marked HALF OFF!

I held praise and worship right there in the aisle. I was so rejoicing that I even threw in a little happy dance.

But atlas I wasn’t able to get any shoes. I didn’t even get to look. I told Hubby that his mom would have let me look. Granted she would have pushed me out of the way to get to the bargains first, but she would have let me look – sniff.

I tried to tell my husband that his mother would say that this is spousal abuse and he said his mother IS spousal abuse. How can you argue with that one? The woman owns over 300 hundred pairs of shoes. She said that when she croaks I get all of her shoes as we wear the same size.

Now where did I put that rat poison?

Oh, I kid.

Sort of.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

It's Spring - I Think

Thought I would Spring this new look. Cuz it is Spring. I'm looking at my calender and it says it's Spring. So it's SPRING!

Okay so there are piles and piles of snow here and yes there is still some snow on the roof tops. But the sun is shining and I'm watching the snow melt.

Die, snow, die!! (Insert evil cackle)

I looked long and hard to pick out something springy. Hubby mocked everyone, including this one. I am in a house full of males. I don't get the girly, frilly anything unless it's my underpants. Since those don't see the light of day my eyes don't get to gaze on anything girly.

So here ya go. It really is all about me. Cuz when I get compulsive and check this several times - in an hour - I get tired of looking at the same thing. Besides that white splat on the side was starting to look like a bird dropping.

If you will recall in the Squirrel Wars our vehicles takes a beating so I can't be having that especially when I woke up hearing the birds chirp and the evil squirrels chattering away.

Happy Spring, y'all. Now could someone tell Mother Nature to get her knickers in gear? Anyone?? Please?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

This Is Funny

My Dad sent me this email and I can't stop laughing. If little eyes are around read when they aren't looking as there are a few bad words. Also don't drink anything until done reading as I wouldn't want you to choke or spray your computer.

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

Monday, March 24, 2008

99 Chocolates Bunnies On The Wall...

Oh yes my interpeeps, the mother-ship did land. They got here really, really early. Hubby had just settled in for a nap and I was in a book when I heard them pull in. I’m talking 2:30 pm – dinner wasn’t until 6.

Drat. Double Drat.

I did what any thoughtful wife would do – I kicked my husband awake and screamed they’re heeeeerrrreee!! I must have startled him or something as he leaped out of the recliner – not sure maybe I’m just being too critical of the landing. Ahem!

We looked at each other and said…Dagnabbit. We quickly found our plastic smiles and called the spawn down to greet their grandparents.

Their excuse for being so early was they were going to go to a movie but mixed up the time to go so decided to just come here instead. Okay, whatever.

My Dad immediately said clear the table let’s play Mexican train dominoes. Hey it worked the last time so we played. I played a few rounds and then got dinner going. I have found that it has been a bit of a challenge to learn how to cook everything so it all makes it to the table hot. This has been a learning process! This time around I managed to get it right and we all pigged out – on ham.

Mom made a caramel nut cheesecake. Ohmyword it was goooood!! I about slid out of my chair and fell on the floor thanking Jesus for all things cheesecakey. What? We're suppose to be thankful, right? I was really, and truly thankful - that and glad she didn't mess it up or poison it.

She said that it’s taken her a while to get back into the swing of things in regards to cooking. Dad came in and said that Mom had gone Jewish as she's been giving God burnt offerings again. She has yet to live down burning the meatloaf 20 years ago.

All in all I would have to say it went fairly well. There were some bumps along the way but not a knock-down drag out screaming match. She is still cornering Thing2 to set him straight. If you recall here, he was the one that slammed her – repeatedly as the drama rolled on here and here. It has left her with a bone to pick. He was very gracious but started to get tired of it after a half an hour!!!

I could tell the boy was about ready to snap so I did a preemptive strike and asked Dad if he wanted to try playing Phase 10. Dad jumped on it and Mom wasn’t happy. I’m not sure where she is going with this. She won’t talk to me but she wants to ram it down his throat.

Yes, she got her knickers handed to her by a 12 yr old but I guess there are worse things in life. Having a pain in the butt grandma is ranking up there.

They left at 10 and I am happy to say I didn’t totally gorge myself on chocolate. I was too stuffed from the ham and the cheesecake. I got to hear several times that every tongue that rises up against them in judgement will be proved wrong with the look of agnst.

What? Just cuz I think you made a huge mistake and flushed your life down a toilet for something stupid just to prove a point doesn’t mean I’m judging you – I’m just judging their actions. "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found lacking…" I’m still left wondering where to go from here. Don’t have answers to that one.


On a side note, lots of people commenting about the funny mom’s post I did for our church. Everyone seemed to get a kick out of the word spawn. BUT I don’t advertise this blog as this is my cheap therapy. You, who read, are either extremely bored or waiting to see if the train will wreck.

The verdict is still out on that one.

I was told I’m gifted…if they only knew. The funny/stupid part was everyone said ‘I love what you wrote’. It's been a while since I wrote that so I’m thinking what? - the dude farting in his own face?? The PASTOR came up to tell me that he read it and gave me the impression I was in trouble. I’m thinking okay so it was a bit crude but I thought it was funny. It turns out they were only talking about what I had put on the Church’s blog. Ahem!

So there is me, Miss foot-in-her-mouth and started backpedaling about having my own blog etc. and that sort of got pounced on. I had a few people asking me for my web address. I now need to bribe someone, and you know who you are, as she could sooo blackmail me.

Matter of fact, you should have seen the wicked grin on her face. Terrible! Cat that ate the canary and was darn proud of it - too funny!!

Part of me is paranoid. I have a weird, warped sense of humor. Not everyone gets it or likes it so when I’m feeling goofy I try to stay away from those delicate people that just can’t handle me.

The proverbial bull in the china shop.

So I’m not sure what to think. Is there any harm in them reading it – no. If you know me in person then you already know the skinny on what all is going on so this isn’t shocking you. Not everyone knows what all is going on and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Yet it doesn't seem to bother me total strangers are reading this. Hmm.

Like I said - I need some therapy.

It’s like I’m being ousted in a non-weird way. Who wants to be called out on their own blog? I mean, how would you handle it if you found out that I’m horribly sarcastic and slightly obnoxious, oh wait you already know that. Whew, that’s a relief!!

If this weren’t bad enough I came THIS CLOSE to almost disclosing the fact that I have a blog to my PARENTS!! Why don’t I just bend over now while I’m at it? Make it a dozy and I'll invite the in-laws over and tell them too. Why yes, I would like slapped up side the head – again.

Yup, that’s me, the one picking bugs out of my teeth for flapping my mouth in the breeze. Sheesh.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Just A Day

WOW. I’m slightly shocked and disturbed that my guys don’t seem to be the only ones with this issue. I feel the need to defend my husband as he does not have this problem. Kudos to Jen – I never would have thought of that one and I’m picking some stuff up before the next laundry day.

I would say yeah Spring is here but we’ve been getting dumped on with snow. Whaaa! I’m talking over a foot of snow and they said there is more on the way. Oy! First I had issues with the time change, now we have an early Easter and Spring is here all while I'm getting buried under a ton of snow.

Does this mean I'm pre El Nino? Global warming?? Pffft. I heard someone is suing Al Gore over that and for some reason that just makes me smile. If nothing else we can thank Al for at least inventing the Internet.

Sorry I don't have much to say. I was going to change the template but things are missing and blah, blah, blah so bottom line I just don't feel like it. Thursday was busy all day and tonight I just whopped some series hide in Risk. Actually, I'm still surprised. Just the luck of the dice and I got my cards before someone else. All in all, same stuff different day - under a ton of snow.

The only little ray of sunshine is the snow put all the camping talk on hold and I'm okay with that. I should warn you I might have an introspective post for Easter or I might have a chocolate hang-over. I'm still waiting to see if my folks are coming for Easter and you just know there will be some blog fodder from that visit.

I will leave you with a little funny for Easter.







If you think that's sick look at this one...



What? Don't look at me like that. I thought it was funny. Just me, huh? This is better than the Wal-Mart greeter - that one still creeps me out.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Poo - It Never Ends


This is one post my guys would not be happy if they ever read.

Another way the omg gene has affected the spawn is my FIL loves to brag about having racing strips in his underwear. It seems this is hereditary.

I am at the point where I am refusing to buy them white underwear. I keep telling them their father doesn't have this problem so what's the deal?

I’ve found that the streaks have been thoroughly resistant to all detergent. I’m throwing clothes in the washer when I spot one. Oh Holy Lord were they hit by a car?? I immediately start racking my brain to see if anyone of them had a near death situation that would cause this amount of um, streaking to be present on said garment. (I saved that one didn’t I?)

Since there was no near death situation I decided to create on for them by stomping up the steps yelling something unintelligent. This makes them all freeze in fear and point to each other trying to get out of the wrath of the momma - slave to the washing machine.

After yelling what the heck happened, it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe I really didn’t want to know the answer to that question. I, of course, get the blank stares and no answer whatsoever.

I think I will take a moment to thank God for dodging a bullet.

I think what caused me the most irritation has been the Forced Fart. Okay, farts happen but when they have to push and there is a delayed timed of 6 seconds before a sound matches the effort I say cork it.

I think I’m going to have to ban the Forced Fart.

I’ve even tried to explain that when pushing other things like to come out. And pointed out that we even have flushable wipes for those times that are just messy. Using it isn’t a suggestion it is mandatory.

I've also had to come up with rules against the sneak attacks. They have been yelled at a hundred times to not, repeat, not fart right next to me while they are standing and I am sitting.

They have tried to comply with this but still haven’t figured out that when you run into another room and run back – IT FOLLOWS!!!

I was happy blogging away when not one but all three came running in to uh, greet me. I looked at them just starting to ask what did they want when it hit me. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth. My eyes were watering from the stench and this caused the boys much glee when I started gasping for air only to get another foul lung full and threatened to pass out.

Y’all they had this brilliant idea of if they farted at the same time and then ran together they wanted to see if all the stench would follow. Oh it did and it hopped over them and slapped me full in the face.

So I’m laying on the floor figuring hot air rises and I might find some oxygen amongst the dust bunnies when the thought crosses my mind that I should get them a cat to torment so they would leave me alone. Hubby is allergic to cats so this is a no go. The ancient dog we have is smart enough to live outside, as she knows the numbers are not in her favor.

When telling the hubs this he has a 'what' look on his face. Oh you got to be kidding me. He said they did that all the time. I did point out to him that we were trying to raise our kids a few steps above the trailer parks thankyouverymuch.

He flashes me this wicked grin and said that he had a lot of fun in the trailer parks. Know all those horror stories about rotten trailer park kids? He was one of them only reformed – I hope. My husband’s family is proud – PROUD that they are rednecks.

As I watched my guys, I hang my head knowing that they are an extension of proud, smelly group of rednecks. Hopefully a lesser version. I cling to the hope that maybe their children will be normal.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Just A Chuckle



I'm thinking about making this our family crest - what do you think?

Genetics is a scary thang. I look at the in-laws and breathe a sigh of relief that their genes didn't infect the hubs. But I'm noticing it seems to have infected the children.

For some odd reason the older boys don't like the feel of paper. It does not matter what type of paper or what it is covering - they don't like it. They look at straws with paper on them and have to lick their fingers with enough spit to protect them from the feel of paper.

I know, messed up and truth be known it comes directly from the MIL. She takes OCD to a whole new level.

For fun I serve casseroles just to watch her flip out. Apparently foods aren't suppose to touch. I thought this was just on a plate but oh no can't have a casserole where there are lots of different food items - all touching.

I know!! Thankfully none of the kids got that one.

And of course there is my family gene pool with Cruella DeVil stalking around and a St. Bernard wearing a bathing cap doing laps - dogging paddling of course. I was sort of hoping that won't last long as Cruella has a thing for puppy coats.

I wonder if they will invent skin spray. If I can spray stuff in my hair so it won't move in hurricane force wind then can't they do the same thing to my face?

My Mom use to have a sense of humor but my Dad truly takes the cake. He makes me look a bit slow and slightly challenged in the humor department. If you've read anything on my blog that has made you chuckle, laugh, or spew liquids from your mouth you know this is quite the feat. If you haven't experienced any of that than you must be new or I'm losing my touch.

The man is the king of corny jokes. He loves to reverse sentences. Instead of fasten your seat belt - seat belt your fasten and I totally understand him. We say things at the same time and it is truly a scary thing to watch.

All people can think is dear Lord there are two of them.

I got an email from my Dad today - totally classic.

Subject: The Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about this but I was an idiot too, and didn't want to be the only one.


Thanks Dad, as I'm an idiot too.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Happy Paddy's Day

I'm somewhat recovered from the weekend. A nice long nap is what cured it. Believe me I needed it after today. The usual attempt at bribery was denied and as I stumbled out of bed we discovered that CJ was coughing - like a seal.

Crap.

Both hubby and I had things to do at church. I pointed this out to God that this was another 'told ya so' moment for me. After grabbing a fast shower - we steamed the little barker and doctored him up with instructions for Thing1 and Thing2 to take care of him.

The show must go on OR one needs to honor their commitments. As we drove away minus kids I was wondering about being committed.

That's one small step for independence one gigantic kick to the mommy ticker.

I'm glad I went to church as the message was right on the money. Like freaky scary - who told?? Did someone read my mail? It seems it was a rough week for EVERYONE. In a sad, sick way that made me feel a bit better that it's not just me. We were encouraged to be a united front - in our homes and our relationships regardless of whatever.

It did get me thinking about my folks. Last weekend we went over to their place for dinner and played some games. We used to do this every weekend. The boys were into the Crocodile Hunter when they were younger and they pretended the pillows were crocs and they would jump on it. They had to use pillows cuz Curious J would scream bloody murder when they tried to make him a croc so that didn't work. While they were destroying pillows we played cards.

We use to be a family. We use to hang out and do stuff, but not anymore.

Everyone behaved and it was a slightly strained but nice evening. Yet again making me wonder how in the world were we ever going to fit again. That has been hard to realize that it's not going to be the same - ever. Things are different and dynamics have changed. But it's trying to figure out where do we go from here that has everyone scratching their heads.

They believe they are right and will stay their course. We disagree. I was on the phone with my Mom when she was inviting us over and we managed to argue about several different subjects. Out of frustration I said I didn't know if it would be possible to be near each other without arguing about something. She was all set to hang up but I stopped her and tried to find something we could talk about.

Books. We talked about what we were currently reading. It was a small step but it worked.

In life's little twists, today is my MIL's birthday. I will be calling her sometime to wish her well and to get caught up. This is another situation that doesn't make sense to me.

Talk about strained relationships - that is until my hubby put his foot down and we stopped putting up with all the garbage. Too bad I didn't blog back then - scratch that it's a good thing I didn't! Talk about your blog fodder.

It was weird. One visit she was nice the next she was evil. You never knew which one you were going to get. We had one Christmas when she threatened suicide if we didn't come out and once we went out I was sort of wishing she would follow through with her threat.

Good times.

So I was very close with my folks and tolerated the in-laws. The last few years I've tolerated my folks and have gotten somewhat close to the in-laws. I don't threatened to make a voodoo doll anymore so progress has been made.

I really don't have a point. Shocking, I know. But it is rather strange to see things become so different. I still see the hurt in my kids eyes when mentioning their grandparents. I still feel slightly lost and alone in all the little things in life. I understand the pain of losing, not one but two parents, but they are still there just not the same. I read how people miss a parent and the hole that is left and I can nod my head to that feeling - yet not.

The old is gone never to return.

I think we can all relate to that in more ways than one. So I guess in a way that makes us slightly united in our various degrees of life and loss. In honor of Saint Patrick, which don't get me started on that cuz the guy's name isn't even Patrick so what is the deal with that one? Anyway, raise your mug high in the air and know that you're not alone in life. My Dad would say May the Lord make the road rise up to meet you, but would add and may it smack you in the kisser. I will wish that we all have some smooth sailing for awhile. Any takers?

Friday, March 14, 2008

I Think I'm Too Tired To Come Up With Anything!


Yesterday was a loooong hard day. I got a phone call at 6 in the morning. Hubby's truck died and needed me to come rescue him.

Got him, came back got the kids (and myself) somewhat together and out the door for bible study. Grabbed lunch and went and got a hair cut and came home ready to fall over. Scarfed down dinner and went to church for practice. In the midst of all that wrestled computer problems - had to defrag and delete stuff. I think I deleted my brain!

I'll try rebooting my brain with some chocolate and try tomorrow (or Monday). Oy vey! Have a good weekend y'all.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Do You See What I Have To Put Up With?


This is stuff my FIL has sent me in e-mails lately. Warning: A few naughty words will be present! He's a redneck, people so I can't be held responsible for it.


WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what,you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'


Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond... Dumb ass.


This is my FIL's dream castle.


I hope this isn't a relative!


This is a job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitzstyle severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


I hope this isn't going to be my FIL in a few years. One more reason to pray for the rapture - that and when my twins are able to take drivers training. Uh-oh, two grey hairs just popped out for me mentioning drivers ed. Dagnabbit!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Daylight Savings Causes Strange Day

I don’t know if I should blame it on being raised in Indiana or if I’m just slow. I don’t remember daylight savings as a kid. I liked that our state said phooey on the rest of the world all because farmers said it was bad on the livestock or something.

At least that’s what my Dad told me but I rarely paid attention.

To say I’m not a fan of daylight savings in an understatement. Matter of fact this gets the "Curse You AquaScum" of angst award. If only I knew how do design one I would so have it up. Anyone know how to design things? Just saying.

I had a hard time going to bed ‘on time’ so when morning came to get up for church I once again tried to bribe my husband to let me just stay in bed. I am not a morning person. I tried to say I was intercessory sleeping for those in need and I was praying to pastor pillow.

Stop laughing. He didn’t buy it either.

My weekly plan of bribery is always rejected because I need to borrow the money – from him. He said that totally defeats the purpose and to get my lazy butt out of bed. He even tries to send in the kids to wake me but doesn’t realize that I scared the bejezus out of them years ago and thus they don’t wake the momma.

Where was I? Oh yeah – idiot man that upped the time table.

It always takes me a few weeks days to get back into the swing of things. Except I have this fatal genetic flaw of Idontgivearatsassism. I got it all from my grandma, the Saint Bernard. She also has some serious OCD issues about cleaning – none of which I inherited. She’s a clean freak that lets you eat a cookie, but stands there wiping down the table because you missed a crumb. Then pulls out the sweeper to get the crumbs that didn’t land on the table while you’re still eating it and lets you know how you are making more work for her just by breathing.

Wait that sounds like my Mom, hmmm. Grandma Bernard is my Dad's Mom - that's messed up.

This morning I could not get out of bed at a somewhat reasonable time. I couldn’t care one bit if the boys got dressed or even ate for that matter. I don’t know if I was having a time warp or what the deal was but I think I was somehow channeling Grandma Bernard.

At one point hubby said demon come out in his oh so funny humor. I say this cuz I was on a serious cleaning streak yet pointed out how everyone was making more work for me as they are slobs. I then started bemoaning the fact that I needed to cook dinner - again and nothing sounded good.

Would you like a side of guilt with your order? Sheesh.

Daylight Savings also means the guys can’t stop talking about camping. Whoop.eee. And I say that with total lack of feeling. Camping – not a fan. Nature – don’t like it. And I hate bugs. Loath entirely with a deep passion. So if I hate something that much imagine how I feel when they fly around my head, up my nose, and in my teeth from me screaming GET AWAY!!

So I’m just filled with all kinds of – something at the thought of camping. Imagine our happy atmosphere of the guys talking about camping while I’m muttering banging pots and pans. CJ asked if they could camp without me. I knew I liked him for a reason.

After trying to caste out Grandma Bernard, hubby and I ended up doing several things that needed to get done but only half of it was accomplished. I sent him off to bed while I tackled a few loads of laundry and cleaned the kitchen only to remember that trash needs to go out.

Drat. Double Drat. And not a man insight that would save the day.

I forgot to get the boys to do it so that left it up to me. Me?? Do trash??? Oh the inhumanity!!! The weird thing is my pout only lasted about 5 seconds and I quickly decided I didn’t want an overflow of trash so out it went. I hope my brain shows up tomorrow and Grandma Bernard goes away. Although I still have more laundry and I see mutant dust bunnies waiting to trip me when I’m not looking that could use some Grandma OCDness.

I just realized I need to make a grocery list. AAAAHHHHHH!!!! CURSE YOU AQUASCUM!!!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Book Tag

I will go to great lengths to appease a friend. Far be it for me to let a bloggy friend go to the brink of no return.

The rules are:
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

"A huge man with an ice chest and a radio had arrived, wearing a tank top so that I could see what appeared to be the entire Book of Revelations tattooed on his arms. He nodded hello and walked over to the left, where he set up camp. He unfurled a beach towel and then turned on the radio to a talk show."

I'm reading this book cuz another friend recommended it. Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. All I can say is I truly hope this book makes a point. So far it's just weird. Sorry Robin.

This tag has been floating out there. I know Holly just did this - what two weeks ago? - and I've seen it on others. I think I will live up to my middle name ambition and kill it off.

Not tagging - die, tag, die!! Hee hee.

Actually, it is a cute tag and I do like it - just everyone has already done it. Feel free to join in and I promise not to "hunt you down and gut you like a fish" Jim Carrey in The Grinch.

Friday, March 7, 2008

A Small Part Of Me Died When I Saw This



I saw this picture yesterday on the web and I couldn't believe who it is. Patrick Swayze!! He's 55!! Okay I know he has cancer and won't look up to snuff but dang this was not a flattering picture. I have nothing against that age - I just didn't think that Dirty Dancing was that long ago. Say 20 years ago? That would make him 35 - dude truly was robbing the cradle!

And that's when it happened - a small something, somewhere inside of me screamed this tiny little noooo has it faded out forever. You can't tell me there wasn't someone last week growing up that you thought was good looking. And I know I'm not the only one that has thought if only they got to know me past all the outer fluff then they would know that I was the one for them.

So it's not reality but hey every woman has her dream. And if we are to be honest we don't just have one guy we pine away for that we see up on the big screen or even the TV screen. It's just a sad reality when you see the person who they really are at the age they really are.

I remember I use to think Sean Connery was good looking UNTIL the day I realized he looks exactly like my Dad. Ewwww!! Scrub.mental.image.out.of.brain!!

My hand shook a little as I chalked Patrick Swayze up there on the list of eww. I looked again to try and say it isn't so but looking at that picture again I think he sort of looks somewhat grampa-ish. And that's just truly sad.

But I'm certain he will beat cancer and secretly hope that he will be able to have some sort of a comeback or a good face lift. I think Burt Reynolds looked good until he had the perma-wind tunnel look going on.

I asked my husband what he thought about plastic surgery and reminded him that I think I have a St. Bernard in my gene pool after looking at some family photos. He told me that I won't need it - aww, and he likes dogs - grr. He said he's covered either way - jerk. I think I'll let him sleep on the floor tonight. Teehee!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Boy Has An Addiction


Sunday night I had made popcorn and Curious J asked for some cheese dust to be sprinkled on it. I sprinkled and he looked down and lifted up his grey green eyes and asked that’s it? I asked what do you mean is that it? He said I would like more than that.

Stupidly, I handed him the cheese dust and said well how much do you want on it. The gleam in his eyes should have warned me – he tilted his head back and proceeded to shake-a-shake the cheese dust into his mouth. I yelled that’s for his popcorn. He stops with the shaking and pops the lid open and dumps it on top of the popcorn and said Mountain O Cheese. Sigh.

It got even worse. When he was done noshing on the popcorn there was a lot of the beloved dust left over. The dude packed it on his front teeth and was sucking on it. Again my stupidity knows no limits and I asked what he was doing. He said he was sucking on the cheese, uh, lump.

Ick.

My husband said well that’s classy which made CJ smile. He looked like Bugs Bunny with some serious plaque. Double ick.

So yesterday we were eating the last of the Cheez-its for lunch and he said that if he worked there he would just spray the dust into his mouth instead of on the cracker. I said you can’t do that and he said oh yes I can. I said they would stop you. He said maybe but he would have a mouth full of the cheesy goodness before they could stop him.

How can you argue with that one??

I said they would fire you and he said he would just get another job. I said the new employer would ask the old employer why you were fired and they would say because you ate the product. He just shrugged his shoulders and said he wouldn’t apply for a job that would care if he ate the product or not. Dear Lord the child put some thought into this.

Then this morning as we were getting ready to leave he was singing a made up song that cheese dust beats pixie dust and continued on with his thanksgiving and praise for the wonderful goodness of yellow dye number 5 with 6 thrown in for good measure. What??

Is there a cheese head anonymous or something? Cause this boy has got it bad!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

A Running Joke


For the last few Sundays I've noticed that Thing2 has been following a little girl around. As in lost puppy following along - every where Mary went the lamb was sure to go scenario. It has got to be the cutest thing I have seen. It is so innocent on both sides but it's just so stinking cute.

We haven't said a word other than what is her name and how old is she??? She is the exact age difference between my husband and I. Creepy.

I made a comment that girls don't like to be around smelly things and said nothing more. Before church he had nails clipped (I've had to tackle them and get out a grinder for this chore) showered, teeth brushed, deodorant - the works and I NEVER HAD TO SAY A WORD.

I'm now trying to plot and plan for Thing1 to find a woman.

So the running joke has been among some of my homeschooling friends is arranged marriages. We've all had nightmares when it comes to the whole in-law thing. It is no fun getting into fights over disagreements of beliefs. We've also wondered what it was going to be like for our kids. So this as been an ongoing joke with friends of ours that don't go to our church.

The girl's mom approached me this last Sunday. I was worried she was going to say get your stalker son away from my child. Instead she said "what do you feel about arranged marriages?" as they also homeschool.

Both my husband and I said YES!! and cracked up laughing. He said two chickens and a goat. Later I was standing alone with them and she said to her husband "they've offered two chickens and a goat". The dad didn't miss a beat and said "make it a milking goat and you got a deal".

I thought this was the funniest thing.

We were laughing about it later and Thing2 only over heard part of the conversation. He asked what was an arranged marriage and after telling him he turned several shades red.

In his most grown-up voice and manner he managed to say "isn't that something I'm suppose to do when I'm ready?"

I was trying not to laugh as I was telling him I would like to spare him all the headaches I went through with my in-laws and my husband whole heartily agreed. He said there is no way we could possible know what he would want in a wife. As soon as he said that he turned the darkest shade of red I ever saw.

I think I about ate my tongue to keep from laughing.

Curious J only heard the last little snippet and said, "well I think girls are just annoying and if they get too loud or annoying I just wipe a booger on them and they leave me alone." He said he got hit in the head with a Frisbee last night from a girl and he said he has a booger with her name on it.

Something tells me we are going to have to pay a higher dowry to get that one married off. Hehehe!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

More Thoughts About Nothing

One thing that really jumped out at me about the character that I could relate to was she had all these desires but surrendered them to God. It wasn’t an easy surrender either. It was a full-blown wrestling match that took her to the mat.

I’ve been there. Lately I feel that I’ve had my face smashed in the mat pinned and I’m just now crying uncle. The character asked that God take away the desire so she could be at peace with His no.

I had to snort from the irony as well as the timing of this book.

Funny thing – she got out of the way and God had it happen but from a different angle. In book two she was trying to do all the ‘right’ things but with wrong motives.

Oh again, I’ve so been there.

Both books had some points that I’ve been rolling around in my head. Again, it leads back to some boundary issues for me. The biggest one still is respecting God’s boundary.

I’m struggling a lot with an issue. It’s something that I’ve desired but for whatever reason it hasn’t happened. So the answer is a big no. I’ve tried to make it happen. I’ve about gone half out of my mind hoping only to be disappointed repeatedly. I also have tried not to hope.

It seems lately I’ve either been giving up or surrendering – maybe both.

And the weird thing is I’ve finally stopped hoping that God would come charging in and save the day so to speak. Goes against taking responsibility for ourselves. There is no way I’m going to do the boys’ schoolwork for them – I think God is feeling the same way. We all have work to do and He’s not going to do it for us. But by letting go of wishing God to ‘do something’ to make it all better I feel more at peace and more at peace with the no.

That is until I had another carrot dangled in front of my face. I made all the vows – I’m done I won’t ask again only to feel the whispers of hope blow across a very dry and tender heart. A heart that is still on the road to recovery and is still half raw and hurting. The whole saying hopes springs eternal makes me want to cry some days. Ever have those days or years where you’re just done so to think it will keep being that same way for-evah is harsh to a weary soul?

BUT I’m not sitting here blaming God and asking WHY. So I find myself in new territory – staring at a fork in the road. Which way to go? What do I let into my heart and what do I lay down?

It’s moments like this I get pretty frustrated with the bible. It doesn’t tell you to go left for this reason or right for that reason. It doesn’t say if you go down this road this is what all is ahead but if you go down this road this is what you’ll face.

I’m trying hard not to assassinate my hope so instead I shove it into one of my bags and trudge on. Maybe that’s why we carry purses?

I think it’s one of the reasons I like reading is that no matter how bad the situation is for the characters it will eventually work out in the end. That appeals to me – a nice neat ending that makes sense. The good guys win and the bad guys loose. Where is my ending? Correction where is my happy ending where everything makes sense? I’ve at least been around the mountain enough times to know that life isn’t going to make sense this side of eternity.

Never knew I actually had deep thoughts – did you? I’ve been told several times by people that I’m not a very sharp pencil or a bright bulb. I find this amusing. Very amusing. Let’s see them come up with something snarky – on the spur of the moment. Most people would just say yer momma and run away. Wow. What wit. What witty repartee. I will pause and ponder the mental lack of a comeback.

I do chuckle cuz I’ve noticed I get more comments when I’m funny rather than introspective. But hey this is my therapy so, um, maybe tomorrow I’ll be funny. That is if these cramps will stop trying to tie me in knots. I heard a comedian say that he doesn’t trust something that can bleed for a week and still live. Snort!

Monday, March 3, 2008

This and That


Last week was a pretty good week. I did a lot of reading. I read these two books back to back. I got them on sale for my birthday. *Snoopy happy dance!*

These two books really spoke to me. For whatever reason God likes to speak to me through books. The character wants to do great things for God but ends up wearing herself out.

No kidding.

I seemed to be moving right along with life when I come up next to 'her'. You all know the type and maybe you are the type. She's got it all together. The looks, the image, is organized, talented in so many areas - the complete package.

Hello Barbie! And standing next to her I feel like Skipper.

Last week I called the lady who ran our old co-op. The woman made Mary Poppins look like a slacker. Not only does she home school, she has her own business, ran the co-op, held meetings, organized church functions, as well as had the house spotless and I mean spot-less, all after making a complete home cooked meal.

I kept waiting for her to say "Go-go, Gadget-arms" to see if that's how she got everything done.

The sad thing is no matter how much she annoyed me, secretly I so wanted to be her. Yes, I thought she was a bit on the cold side and that ice ran through her veins, but she was a well oiled machine getting the job done.

Turns out she is going to another country. The number one reason missionaries quit is because they are having issues with educating their children. I'm not sure what organization she was going with but they are trying to teach them about homeschooling and balancing the curriculum.

If you want to get overwhelmed and run away screaming from homeschooling just look at a curriculum catalog. While you're rocking in a corner sucking your thumb telling God there is no way and no how this is going to work, your other half will say something really stupid like you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Yes, dear. You're right. He just stopped me from slapping you with a frying pan.

Anyway, this is right up this lady's alley and if anyone is qualified, it is her. It was also refreshing to hear her admit to how God had dealt with her on some things since I last saw her. There is just something reassuring knowing that Barbie has struggles just like plan old Skipper.

I've been praying for her to have a safe trip and I know it will be an awesome opportunity for her as well. And I'm not sitting here wishing I was doing that for God. Hot dog! I finally got it figured out that God doesn't use a cookie cutter! Me, being me, is okay. Now people might not agree with that but that's okay. People might tell Skipper to go back in the box but thank God it's not up to man.

I'm done being Skipper - she's pretty plastic herself and is only a mini-version of Barbie anyway. I would much rather be the real deal with less appeal than something fake and plastic with all the bells and whistles.