Friday, May 30, 2008

Pictures!


I hope this works for people with dial-up. It took forever to load just for me and I don't have dial-up. (Any instructions? Julie? Tommie? Anyone?)

Anyhoo...

We did it! We got the dining room done. I don't have before pictures yet. Those were the last of my old camera that hasn't been developed yet. So I will try to paint an ugly picture for you with words.

Our house is all brick - even the interior walls. The dining room and kitchen walls are all brick. The ceiling was terrible, around the windows and doors where just all kind of nasty. With this being brick there wasn't anything we could do.

Or was there?

We think this use to be a family room as it has a wood burning stove but it's right off the kitchen so we made that our dining room. Made for a better flow of the house. The wall was nasty too.

So Hubby to the rescue. He fixed the ceiling and textured it then added crown molding. He then plastered the nasty wall and he did something totally cool around the door and windows. He taped off part of the brick and then plastered around it and then pulled the tape. Once dried he took painters tape and taped off grout lines so to speak. Then we both faux it to look like stone. I'm looking at the picture and it's not doing it justice. Not sure how to fix it. Maybe just get closer??

Once all done he put down the rest of the laminate that covered the ugliest floor you have ever seen in your life! I could never keep it clean and was rather grossed out by it. But now we have this...




My kitchen was too much of a mess to take a picture. We were hoping to add crown molding on top of cabinets so I might hold off pictures for that. That's all we got left to do in the kitchen. We've done a lot of work in there. But without seeing just how ugly it all was you'll just have to take my word for it!!

I'll probably just clean the kitchen and then take a picture as that will happen a lot sooner than the crown molding. Now if I would just get off my butt and go clean! I think I'll lie down and let that feeling pass. *snort*

There is a bathroom off of kitchen and then a pantry that leads to laundry room. Our motto has been we'll get there and it has been a slow crawl. But we'll get there! Now all we need is more money to go after the upstairs but right now we need a break!!


Hubby cleaned the kitchen (sucka)...


Thursday, May 29, 2008

More Flapping Tents


My Dad is a notoriously loud snorer. We made sure they were in their own tent - as far away from us as we could get. Dad went to bed earlier than the rest of us and when the boys were heading for the tent CJ freaked out. The rest of us knew what it was but for some reason dude forgot just how loud the snoring could go.

"What's the matter?"

"What is that noise - a bear??"

"No, just Grandpa."

So the next night when they were getting ready for bed and my Dad started snoring Curious J said, "looks like the old grey bear is out. Quick! Let's speak his language so he won't attack - snore-grr, snore-grr." My Mom heard this and started to laugh which made CJ asked "who's that??"

"It's your Grandma, you nut."

"Well, I guess there's no point in her running from the old grey bear - he already got her."

Yeah, you could say that.

Here's another fun camping note - 4 guys + camping food, say chili, = me gasping for clean air. I did ask Hubby what was he thinking having food with beans in it and I was informed that it's camping food. Wide open fresh air in guy speak means you don't have to hold it in. Funny I don't remember them holding it in even when at home.

Thing1 said it's to ward off all the animals - if they smell that bad then they can't taste too great. He may just have a point.

CJ big, puffy heart, loves beacon cooked over a campfire. I must say I am a fan of it too. But the boy ate like 10 pieces of beacon and then a fried egg but wouldn't eat any toast (even though I tried to warn him).

The boy was convinced he had the plague.

We were too.

Luckily for him his Daddy always comes prepared.

I would have just pinned a biscuit on his collar for the bears and wished him the best of luck. However, if Thing1 is right then J was safe.

I got to chuckling that could make for some interesting blog fodder which got me the look from the Things. They think I'm slightly off center when I talk about my blogging friends.

Thing1 asked, "Let me get this straight. You don't know any of these people but you're friends?"

"Well, I sort of know them so yeah they're my friends."

Thing2 asked, "But you never met them?"

"Not face to face."

In harmony, "So how does that make you friends?"

"Because they post things about themselves and I post things about myself and in reading each other's stuff we get to know each other. Like pen pals only faster."

Both thought about that nodding their heads and then asked "What's a pen pal?"

*Sigh* "Someone you write letters to back and forth."

"Email is faster."

"Yeah it's like email."

"But anyone can read it??"

"Yeah."

"What would you say?"

Wouldn't they like to know! (evil cackle in the background)

Yes, I still threaten my children that I will blog about their behavior. This is starting to fail. I need some sort of back-up plan or something. They both asked if they could have a blog. I gave a big NO with a big WAAY added on for good measure.

When asked why I said, "Then I would never get the computer!" And we just can't be having that now can we?

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

As The Tent Flaps Open - Part 2


I got done blogging and went to take my shower. I was taking off my jeans and look down only to see that there was a tick on my leg!! It was just starting to dig in. I quickly pulled it off, killed it, and flushed it down the toilet all while stuffing my fist into my mouth to keep from screaming bloody murder.

And the thought went through my head that this is what I get for ranting about my Mom.

After I dismissed that thought I went running through the house grabbing all the clothes and bringing them down to the laundry room. I was thinking if there are more might as well keep em contained.

Mind you this was 1 am when I was doing this and I was still half undressed. Luckily the boys didn't wake up but Hubby did and he had to talk me out of boiling all of our clothes...

in bleach.

None have shown up but this is our second experience with ticks. Last year Hubby took the boys on an overnight camping trip (minus me = heaven) and went hiking the next day. They ended up eating their lunch in tickville and then they came home.

Curious J was talking to me when he got this weird look on his face and lifted his shirt only to see this crab/spider like thing crawling across his tummy. I looked at that and grabbed it off of him. I had Hubby kill it while trying to remain calm.

Yeah right.

I had CJ lean his head forward and I ran my hands through his hair only to have four more fall on the floor.

Calm left the building as I screamed for everyone front and center and to strip NOW!

One was starting to dig in to CJ's leg. I pulled and he screamed, I pulled again and he freaked out. He screamed, I screamed, we all screamed - for something.

Hubby was able to get it off and all ticks were eventually found and killed. Now since this is my spawn we have had to give lots of reassurance to convince him to go back outside. Dude is terrified of bees thanks to former neighbor's kids so this was not helping.

While camping there was a blizzard of cottonwood fluff and true to form CJ and I said at the same time "Nature! It's all over me! Get it off!!"
Madagascar The difference was I was kidding he wasn't.

And when the bees came out - well I've never seen someone move so fast in my life. He's even willing to kick friends to the curb when they mentioned about getting a honeybee farm. He said see ya in the winter and wasn't kidding.

Needless to say I didn't want him to freak out. So I casually said at breakfast the next day to the boys to be on the look out for any bugs and left it like that.

CJ looked right at me and said he had a dream that I came flying in their room last night yanking off covers and was running my hands up and down their arms and legs. After I tossed the covers back I then grabbed all the laundry like a crazed person and hefted/kicked/dragged all the laundry baskets out of their room in one swift motion.

I sort of half laughed half choked. After making sure my fake plastic everything-will-be-fine smile was on my face said, "Wow, what an imaginative dream you had. No more crackers for you before you go to bed - ha ha."

He looked at me, I looked back. He shrugged his shoulders and went on his way.

Meanwhile, I'm asking God not to send me to parenting purgatory for that one because I just know I got the eyebrow arch of judgement. I even tried to reason with God that He can't tell me He's never pulled this one - only gave me part of an answer knowing if I knew the whole story I would run around like a half crazed idiot babbling a bunch of nonsense.

Y'all, God laughed at that one - I kid you not!

And they say God doesn't have a sense of humor. If the platypus doesn't convince you of this than seek professional help.

The down side is the older two figured it out real quick that wasn't a dream as there was no dirty clothes in the room and then told CJ. Since there have been no sightings of any bugs he has remained calm. He told me that was a smart move on my part for getting all the clothes cuz if anything crawled into their room it would never be found again.
Especially his side.

Monday, May 26, 2008

As The Tent Flaps Open


Well we survived. I can't say weather it was good or bad so how about gad? Both ups and downs.

My Dad likes to go mushroom hunting so we went mushroom hunting. We found some but not as much as when I was a kid. The place is getting more crowded every year. How is that possible when it's in the middle of no where? And I mean no where. One year Elk came out to gaze at the people.

I wonder if they look at people in RVs as meal in a can? Of course we were in a tent so that would be meal in a wrapper. Good thing I didn't think of this before we went or I would have had trouble going outside to use the porta-potty - in the middle of the night.

Is that consider spousal abuse? No? Dagum.

Gotcha! Thought I was going to say dagnabbit, didn't ya?

Anywho, Hubby sent up the tents and everything else - Davy Crockett in his element. I was sort of bummed that he didn't seem to have as much time to relax. We had loads of fun until...

Attila showed up.

I still feel bad that I vented to hubby as soon as we got in the truck. I'm worried I'm stirring up everyone's emotions when I vent. It's like I puked all over everyone - I feel better but now they're a mess.

This of course causes me to give myself a dope slap as I'm the one that has to clean it up.

I will try to keep my regurgitation to a minimum.

Like I said Davy Crockett was in his element. He goofed off with the boys and we all played Frisbee for a long time and stopped to eat lunch. I have to laugh cuz Thing2's voice is cracking really bad and they were sword fighting away with their Dad and he sneak attack them and Thing2 let out this weird yelp. I sat there laughing but then he got mad at me. I tried to tell him I was laughing with him not at him but he said he wasn't laughing.

Minor detail.

Then my mighty strong men had to get the firewood. Thing1 and Thing2 were given a saw and a hatchet and told to cut up the dead trees the guys carried in. They loved it! Say what? They had a ball getting wood, chopping wood and sawing it up. They said they couldn't believe they were trusted with this responsibility.

Aww, Davy Crockett juniors.

While my spawn freaked out anytime a bug came near him and asked if he could play his gameboy - in the truck - until Monday.

However, he got into the sawing thing the next day and had fun with it. This has got to be a guy thing! I'm still telling myself it was very good of me not to crack up laughing that they thought hacking a piece of wood as responsibility.

And they say women are emotional.

I did get a digital camera. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I didn't take a lot of pictures as that would require I got off my butttt I'll get it figured out before long.

I didn't take any pictures of my Mom. I think I would be too tempted to draw horns in her hair. Wait! There were some already!! Oh, just her glasses - false alarm.

I wished I would have snapped a picture with a pair in her hair and a pair on her face. I'm not even going to comment on that one.

She is still convince she is right - about everything. Just ask her and she will be more than happy to tell you that you are a slave to the system and that you're an idiot. I asked if she has found a way not to be part of the system and she says they are working on it.

Cue crickets.

Whatever.

I did get some interesting news from her. She is going to do what God tells her to do whether I like it or not. No duh! She also told me it's none of my damn business what they decide to do or not. I'm rather impressed that steam didn't come flying out of my ears at that moment. I said fine next time we won't pack up all their crap and store it like last time.

Golly gee, I just don't know why I don't want to spend more time with her.

She said she doesn't have very many friends. No $*!t Sherlock.

If that wasn't warm and fuzzy enough I watched my Mom pull major suck up to my Hubby. I only gagged once.

It turns out my Mom's side is having a family reunion. Now there is some serious blog fodder right there! Do you think her family approves? That would be a big fat N-O. Mom wants all of us to car-pool there - as she wants someone on "her side".

So I asked how did we fit in to this equation?

She thought I was joking.

I told her we weren't going.

She said yes we were.

I said no we weren't.

She said we have to.

I said can't make me.

She told me to grow up and do what she tells me to do.

I said I haven't then so why start now?

She said I'm just mad because I needed to grow up and once I get my head out of my rear end I will appreciate all that she has done for me.

I can't repeat what I said.

She said people don't have a sense of family anymore. We're family and we are suppose to be there for each other.

I asked how has my family been there for me and she said I'm being overly dramatic.

And if all that family bonding wasn't enough we now have to go over to their place to eat the fried mushrooms. Yes, a smarter person would say shove the mushrooms up your fungi hole but my Mom knows how to fry up some mushrooms. And I just don't have that type of willpower. She's also said a cheesecake would be involved.

And they wonder why I'm fat.

But if she's eating something than she can't talk. This is my theory anyway.

Right now I'm sunburned and gritty. I'm off to wash the camping stank off of myself. Campfire smell is an aphrodisiac to Hubby and well, he's just not that lucky.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Did You Hear Something??


There it went again.

No, it's not squirrels - think bigger...

And wetter.

There! Did you hear it?

It's the theme song to Jaws!!

Right now I feel like this..




I have been to two different grocery stores and spent more money on food than what I want to think about. My dryer is begging me to just shoot it as it's old and making a funny smell, and the place is now a wreck as we are trying to pull everything out for camping.

In the middle of this, my Mom has called like 50 times asking me about this and tell hubby don't forget this or that. Nothing gets under the man's skin faster than his MIL telling him to remember something when this is the woman that puts her reading glasses in her hair and then forgets!

I can't tell you how many times my Mom would have someone looking all over the place for her glasses only to discover they were in her hair. I really did believe the woman had eyes in her head - cuz they needed glasses too! We told her no more clear glasses since it was camouflage.

Forget Thing2 taking a bite out of her. I'm starting to think the Hubby is going to snap. When Mom was over she pulled out a few decorative things and suggested hubby put a few nails up for a few of her ideas. This is no small order as most of our walls are brick. I passed this info off to hubby who got a bit testy.

The woman can decorate. I've seen her turn people's places into magazine quality rooms. But anytime she suggests anything I got hubby saying no, nooo, NO. My Mom made a comment (thank God out of earshot) that it's my home too, I can have an opinion about things as well, and that I was an individual and didn't have to bow to the man.

I see she has that whole submission thing down. My Mom has always been a strong person and it seems prison brought the best out of her. *snort*

This left me scouring the bible looking for some type of advice on what to do. I'm constantly getting I'm not honoring my parents yet hubby has made the comment that I need to back him up and tell my folks off. And I have on some things. (This is what we call ironic cuz a number of years ago it was me telling him to do this with his folks) Then I get the kids telling me they can't stand their grandmother while the woman tells me my kids aren't respecting her.

And this happy bunch of people are all going out into the woods to camp - together. 37 went into the water 34 came out...

I knew I should have asked for that taser for Christmas. Doh!

But the guys are getting so geeked out to go camping. At first I stuffed a slipper in my mouth to keep me from ruining the mood, but that just gave me a bad taste in my mouth. I've been pounding the chocolate and it's the weirdest thing - not doing it for me.

This is serious.

Deep breath. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And Lord you better hurry up cuz I'm about to go sleep in a tent, no computer, and no running water for a shower. I am thankful for that porta-potty as well as my sleeping bag which is rated for 0 degree weather, however my folks are going to be there. Do what ya can Lord. Send me the force, a host of angels, all the above, whatever - I'm not picky!

Hope y'all have a great weekend.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

As The Door Slams Shut


On this episode of As The Door Slams Shut we find our heroine still tickled with the results of the dining room yet battling her emotions for the upcoming weekend all while battling the never ending laundry. She was in the middle of planning the dreaded grocery list when...

Phone ringing in the background. Shuffles over and looks at the caller id and then loudly groans.

Hello?

Jo!

Hey Mom. What's up?

Thought I would stop by and see how the latest room looks.

Oh, okay.

And I need some of my material up in the loft.

Okay.

And if I have time I'll tear out the old flower arrangements and do new ones.

Uh, how long do you have?

Oh, I have to leave by 1 so we'll see.

Mom, it's 12:15 right now.

Yeah, I should be at your place in 5 minutes.

(Gulping air) O-okay.

See ya. Click

Our heroine looks at the phone and lets out a long sigh.


So that was my morning how was yours? She didn't do any flower arrangements so that's good. I had to stop another argument between my Mom and Thing2. I just finished making peace with Thing2.

Mom liked the dining room and for my Mom to give compliments you know it's got to be good. I'll post pictures whenever it happens.

Prince Caspian was totally awesome. I didn't like the small creepy part that apparently wasn't in the book but I loved that Edmond ended it. Have you ever noticed that people that know the book really well will make loud comments like 'that wasn't in the book!!'? Yeah who knew?

But I got popcorn and a frozen coke so it's all good in the hood. Although CJ ended up snarfing most of it. Find with me. Hubby asked what I wanted and I said a bucket of lard and some slim-jims but since they are fresh out I would take popcorn and I better pass on anything else.

Gee, I crack myself up.

And I found out my folks will be with us camping for three, 3, THREE days instead of two. Gaack, what?? I was slightly amazed at my ability to stop myself from saying anything totally snarky - in mid-sentence. Truly this was a ginormous feat not taken on by mere mortal men. I have been shushed by the best and still proceed on.

Can you tell I was very familiar with soap as a child?

And I wonder why I act like Pinky. It was all the soap. Oh, but the bubbles are so pretty - norf! but they don't taste right. I know! It needs some salt!

Don't mind me - I think the hysteria will wear off. In a day or two. I hope.

And with that our heroine shuffles off to do another round of laundry slightly twitching and muttering three days. (Okay, this makes me think of Better of Dead - I want my two dollars)

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Highway Robbery


Have you seen the gas prices lately??? I thought it was a bit low that Saudi wouldn't come through for Pres. Bush.

I got this email and in light of yesterday's news I'm all for it. Plus I thought I would throw on a few funnies.

WHERE TO BUY YOUR USA-GAS, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW.

Gas rationing in the 80's worked even though we grumbled about it. It might even be good for us!

The Saudis are boycotting American goods.

We should return the favor.

An interesting thought is to boycott their GAS. Every time you fill up the car, you can avoid putting more money into the coffers of Saudi Arabia. Just buy from gas companies that don't import their oil from the Saudis.

Nothing is more frustrating than the feeling that every time I fill-up the tank, I am sending my money to people who are trying to kill me, my family, and my friends.

Thought it might be interesting for you to know which oil companies are the best to buy gas from and which major companies import Middle Eastern oil.

These companies import Middle Eastern oil:
Shell... 205,742,000 barrels; Chevron/Texaco...144,332,000 barrels; Exxon /Mobil...130,082,000 barrels; Marathon/Speedway..117,740,000 barrels;
Amoco...62,231,000 barrels; Citgo Gas comes from South America, from a Dictator who hates Americans.

Here are some large companies that DO NOT import Middle Eastern oil:
Sunoco...0 barrels; Conoco...0 barrels; Sinclair...0 barrels; BP/Phillips...0 barrels; Hess...0 barrels; ARC0...0 barrels. Also: Pilot, Flying J, Love's, RaceTrac, Valero.

All of this information is available from the Department of Energyand each is required to state where they get their oil and how much they are importing.

But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas buyers. Pass it on!








*Sigh*

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I Smell Something Funny


My head is spinning. We are painting and staining and the fumes are about ready to do me in. Not to mention I've been up and down the baker several hundred times so right now my bod is cussing me out - in three different languages.

Maybe more than that but I haven't figured out what the other two are yet. The voices in my head are speaking to me but since I don't speak Spanish I have no clue what they are saying - that's what I got going on.

Did you ever watch Pinky and Brain? Right now I am really feeling like Pinky - norf! and the scary thing is I normally act like the little nut anyway. This time it's worse and my hubby is Brain. He said if he was more social he would have ran for president so he could get near the red button.

All part of his evil plan of taking over the world. (Evil cackle echoes through the night)

Okay, it may not be funny to you but hey I am feeling really loopy right now so I can't be held responsible. However, I was so stinking slap happy tonight while painting that I had my hubby laughing so hard he was curled up in the fetal position on the floor.

Good times.

I is extra weird when I'm slap happy. Now isn't that a scary thought?


Get some cheesy elevator music going through your head and then read this...





I thought it was funny but that could just be the fumes talking. I better stop - norf!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Beauty Tips and Faux Pas


So I’m laying on the bathroom floor when the thought occurred to me that maybe the whole beauty regiment isn't what it's cracked up to be. Isn't there a verse that said seeking after beauty is vainglorious?

I do know we are to focus on taking care of what is in our hearts more so than the outward appearance. I just wished I could find a verse that would help me not to worry about the outward so much.

Let me explain…

The whole St.Bernard in the gene pool has really been bothering me. Every woman wants to be pretty and to turn their husband's head. I know I need to lose weight and not just those pesky 20 pounds – I’m talking more than that as I’ve knocked my kids over with my hamhocks. They use to follow me every where I go but they have learned not to do that any more. I would turn around and it would be like dominoes and they would all fall over.

And me being me I wanted something to change like RIGHT NOW. Since I can't drop weight at the flick of a wrist I started to think what else could I change.

CJ’s comment about his brothers having as much peach fuzz as me didn’t faze me at first. But I’ve noticed that the boys are really sprouting some serious fuzz. And then my Mom said that she used some Nair and would give me some.

Uh, okay. I didn’t say anything about it but I’ve been getting hints.

I started to think about Songs of Solomon. I don’t think he said anything negative about his beauty until I remembered he mentioned teeth. Teeth? The guy went on and one about her teeth but if she was sporting a mustache I would think her teeth would be the last thing he would have notice.

So I picked up some of that Nads stuff. I’ve seen the infomercials years ago and since I’m of the fuzzy nature thought maybe this would do the trick.

It’s moments like this that I’m rather mad that I don’t have a sister or a group of women to do intervention.

Since I was all alone I thought I would take care of some female stuff. In a conversation I had a while ago (I will keep it anonymous for the innocent) we were discussing what to do with the lady hair. I’m smart enough that I didn’t wax the female area but I’m stupid enough that I shaved it – the whole thing. Bald beauty. And that was quite the feat as childbirth has not done my nether-regions any favor.

Luckily for me the extra weight keeps me from seeing all of this and I’m usually blissfully unaware.

Forget St. Bernard I think my Mother mated with Chewbacca.

After the deforesting took place I then moved on to the face. Washed and scrubbed I thought I would wax that upper lip before doing a mask to close all those pores that have enough baggage in them to take a trip – and not need anything.

Clean area before applying, okay done. Wipe area with the Kava wipe and let dry, check. Rub strips in hands to warm up wax and slowly pull apart. Cool - two for one. Apply on area and rub in direction of hair growth 3-4 times. Okiedokie. Pull skin taught and pull in opposite direction.

Holy Mother of God!!

This is why God is a man because He is way too smart to do this to Himself. It is God the Father for a reason!!

Now I’ve actually tweezed my upper lip so I knew it was going to "sting". What I didn’t know was that all that "stinging" would be amped up by the amount of hairs it would be a yanking.

I yanked. I yelped. I tripped over my discarded bathrobe and sort of did a half-gainer over the toilet landing in a rather loud splat half in the tub and half out. Nice mental?

And that’s when the whole verse of seeking after beauty is rather pointless went running through my head. Well that and stupid,stupid,stupid and ow,ow,ow. While I was waiting for my heartbeat to go back to normal and for any feelings to return to my legs, face, and arms I did some thinking.

While it’s okay to look nice I had been neglecting some other areas in my life. Just like those pesky eyebrow hairs stuff can sprout up when I least expect them to and then I wonder how long as that been there?

And why didn’t anyone tell me.

It's it amazing how suddenly spiritual I can get when pain is involved??

Laying on that floor I decided that friends shouldn’t let friends wax. Especially since I still had the other strip on my lip.

Dagnabbit.

I slowly crawled back up and kicked the robe out of the way. I blew off any thoughts of grabbing a rope and biting on it. And now that I knew what was coming I proceeded on.

Amazingly once I knew what to expect it didn’t bother me – as much. I did decided to skip the mask until later as my upper lip still had it’s own heartbeat not to mention the mask said don’t apply if any pores are bleeding.

Obviously these two companies have never used the other one’s product.

The funny thing is my upper lip feels really weird as does my nether-region. I did chicken out on doing the rest of my face though. Doing a half-gainer in our little bathroom took the starch right out of me and I thought I would ease into this whole beauty regiment.

But after that? Forgetaboutit! Hubby likes dogs so I'm safe. He said he didn't know why I did it as he thinks my fuzz is cute. Cute?? He has a mustache so he said nothing I can grow can compete so don't worry about it.

On the bald beauty I told him I'm never doing that again. To his credit he didn't bust out laughing. So days later all itchy and some weird looking red dots I really, really need to stop focusing on the outside as I'm only causing myself more harm.

Long live Chewbacca! (insert that noise he makes cuz how do you spell it?)

EXCEPT...my insecurities will start to nag at me and I know it will only be a matter of time before I'm trying something new - all in a vain attempt to be pretty. But right now my lip feels really weird not to mention other things.

"I feel all exposed and nasty." Donkey from Shrek 3


I hope the pain will reinforce to myself to knock it off. That and I'm getting rid of all of our mirrors. Hey! Sunless tanning stuff is on sale!! See ya on the streak side. Sigh

Monday, May 12, 2008

Welcome To The Pit of Despair


Being married to a melancholy personality takes the "pit of despair" to a whole new level - waaay down deep.

And I try to tell myself that dude was raised in a heathen home. For years my husband was told that he was worthless. But now that he's a parent they want him to forget all the neglect and abuse and turn into the Wards of Leave It To Beaver.

Not going to happen.

Then throw in my life of the Wards turning into the Clampits and you have an interesting match. We are both bonding because our parents have gone totally off the deep end of normalcy.

I know normal is a state of mind but it seems our families got lost along the way. They thought God was handing out slow trains instead of slow brains and wanted the scenic route - who knows?!

Where was I? Oh yeah - Mother's Day.

I think I would have been better off it the day was never invented. One day we are suppose to pretend and show appreciation. I don't see this happening anytime soon. However, guilt seems to be a mighty fine motivator.

Hubby took the boys hiking so score one for him. He told them to do something nice for me but then gave them no clue on what that would entail. Lots of hope on my part and no delivery - again. You would think I would see this coming. The sad thing is I do but hope springs eternal.

Or stupidity knows no bounds.


We went to church and there was an opportunity to say something nice about the mother of your children. I didn't even hold my breath as I knew that wasn't going to happen. They were handing out flowers and I saw other kids go get one for their moms and mine didn't even bat and eye. When I got one at the restaurant youngest said I didn't even need to get one from the church.

Sigh

We went out for Chinese. And it was good. I'm rather disgusted with myself for how much I ate but I made sure we got our money's worth I can tell you.

Apparently I'm getting a digital camera however when one waits until Mother's Day to go looking - everything will be sold out. We went to two stores before I said I was done. The fun part was when he said he's wanted to look but I kept saying why bother. So now it's my fault?

I had a wonderful nap - cuz I had myself an ugly cry AND I locked the door. Two very successful key elements if one is to have a good nap with children - all four of them.

But that guilt caused Hubby to do a few loads of laundry and cleaned up the kitchen. If I were evil I would keep him on a guilt trip around the clock.

But that would make me his mother or my mother and I'm not going there.

For a lot of years I've chalked it up that he didn't have a good example. What really bothered me this year was what is he teaching our boys? He made some comment to the boys about honoring their mother. Sarcastic me said yeah don't do what your father does. Boys tried so hard not to laugh and coughed out an ouch that was harsh and then quickly left the room.

I watched all these family at the restaurant and I wondered what was my deal. Was it the gift? Was it the sentiment? What was my problem? I think it was feeling like I'm a glorified maid and oh yeah let's take a break and say thank you. I've watched the guys spend weeks planning a camping trip and then when it comes to me it always seems like I get leftovers.

I remember trying to make my mom feel loved on mother's day and got a lot of attitude I didn't understand. Now I do.

Dagnabbit.

Anywho, my Mom had called Saturday evening and said she got her card. I went with humor rather than sentiment. She said for mother's day she wants to come to my house to help me decorate.

Now the woman can decorate like no one's business. She's done flower arrangements for weddings, offices, etc. But when it comes to me she will give me less than stellar stuff. She wants to redo some of the arrangements that she did a long time ago (for other people) and I've resisted as I wasn't sure what the 'new look' would be. She wants to help.

Once upon a time I would have begged her to do this. Now? Well, this causes a conflict for me. Again, she's good but...

She made me these curtains at our old place. Never asked us to pick out the fabric. Now about that melancholy person - he has opinions about every.thing. It all has to match. You've heard of feng-shui (or however you spell it) well we have whatever doesn't make Hubby twitch. Did you see the living room and family room picts? Same color pallet.

These curtains were hidiorderous. So ugly that they stank.

Mom will not stay on Hubby's color pallet. Matter of fact every suggestion my Mom has made as been struck down from the Hubs simply because she said it.

We never claimed to be mature.

It's a nice thought Mother's Day but for me I would be better off without it.

"Welcome to the Pit of Despair. Don't even think about trying to escape". Princess Bride

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Do You Hear Anything??


Shhhh! Listen...

I know!! I don't hear anything either!

Hubby took the boys for a hike today.

I am rocking out in my pjs enjoying the quiet.

I tried writing some Mother's Day post but it ain't turning out good. I had the worst time looking for a Mother's Day card. All the "Mom, you have always been there for me" just rubbed me the wrong way.

Hey Hallmark! Where are the cards for that certain someone who has been a royal pain in our lives? Things like, "Mom, remember the time you kicked me out of the house cuz I wouldn't give you my cigarettes?" "To the woman who claims to have birthed me" Or "Mother, I will always remember our special time when we had to share a parole officer".

Oh I kid -

We don't smoke.

Happy Mother's Day. May y'all have some fun time and a time to relax.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Need A Laugh?

How about a few funny chuckles?

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.....I'm a gynecologist"
The proctologist fainted.


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting,'13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...


Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Darn Smart Woman's Day. And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Inside every older person is a younger person-wondering what the hell happened? -Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. -(Unknown)-
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being - hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-
If you can't be a good example-then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Cathrine-
I'm not going to vacuum 'till Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-
When Life hands you lemons, ask for Tequila and salt and call me over!!


I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I' m going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11 My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19 My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"


I've heard my Mom say all of these!! Hope it tickled the funny bone.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Brain Dump

So yesterday CJ went totally spastic when he opened up his gift to see an MP3. Yes, I broke down and got him one. He is loving it and I spent all morning adding more stuff to it.

Even though the noise factor has increased I've discovered that I was able to have a conversation with the Hubs without children adding their two cents worth WHILE IN THE CAR!!!

Cue the music.

However, I am starting to think that my parents and my in-laws are having a freaky Friday thing going on. Things use to go bad when the in-laws visited and things went great when we were with my folks.

Now??

Great weekend with the in-laws and a very strained time sitting at Chuck E. Cheese last night. The place was deserted so that was a bonus which means they had the music turned down but the long drawn out silence of conversation was rather loud.

Hubby kept getting drink refills and playing with the kids to avoid having to endure a conversation with my folks.

Jerk.

To say there are walls on both sides of the camp is an understatement. I'm a talker. Yes, I know this shocks you to no end. I will pause as you regain your composer from that tid-bit of info.

Pause over - I couldn't come up with squat to talk about. I was trying like crazy to come up with something - anything to talk about.

My Mom was on my case about getting the boys into a regular class to help them stay competitive with the world. She does this after she hears someone else is excelling in anything. She then thinks of ways for me to get the boys to be super nova geniuses that will beat anyone.

And in her mind I am totally slacking and not pushing them to their full potential but "then that's to be expected as you never did reach yours".

And y'all wonder why I tried to sell them on eBay. I keep hoping any moment now someone will make an offer.

I had no problems recovering after in-laws left. Today? Just hand me the chocolate and no one will get hurt. Right now the boys are reading a book staying out of my way. I trained them well - I'm so proud, sniff.

I'm telling ya this is totally messing with my head. And if this isn't bad enough my Dad wants to do the annual camping trip and hubby agreed.

Okay, God, it's like this. You didn't use the rapture to get me out of this mess and yes I was a bit testy over that but You know I'm over it. But now? Now I'm asking you - in a really, really big way. You know I don't like to camp but I go cuz I married Davy Crockett who's goal was to be a hermit (I'm not kidding).
My boys like to go and there is all kind of family bonding and I suffer through it cuz you gave me nothing but guys so I figured this must be penance for something I did or said wrong. But after last night - a weekend with my folks when I'm already using my nice reserve well that's just wrong! Wrong on so many levels that surely You can see that some serious intervention needs to happen and right quick. Do what ya can, God. Amen!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Happy Birthday CJ!!

To my Curious J

Picture if you will this



And this

And you will get my youngest son. Dude is very bouncy but also very monkey as he climbs all over the place and then he gets a bit curious but then after he pounces you he just hops away.

Tigger meets Curious George.

Suddenly his part of the room makes a lot of sense now.

Today is my youngest son’s birthday. And I want to cry like a little girl. As I said as the kids climb the number ladder it is rather sad for me.

9!! Nine! When did this happen? I swear he was just 5 like yesterday or maybe last year.

I pray for him a lot. Thing1 I pray that I won’t kill him and that both him and Thing2 will turn out okay. But for CJ I pray for him in different ways. The boy is so much like me that I pray that he doesn’t hit the same roadblocks that I have.

He does things that I have to laugh at since I’ve done the same things. He drives his Dad and older brothers’ nuts with his squirmy goofy ways of doing things. I nod my head at his antics because hello? Been there done that. And it hits me that I really want him to be better than me but to still be his own person.

While I was in the middle of typing this he came downstairs in tears over some things. It was a day of talking about struggles it seems with all of them. Can I just say how pissed off at satan I am right now? Taking a swipe at my kids - going after them while they are young and can't see what he's up to just makes my blood boil.

I can hear God nodding His head.


Jared…

May you always follow God. You have such a heart for Him. Your discernment at your age amazes me. Your comprehension is through the roof and you are able to see things beyond your eyesight and beyond what your years should allow. Remember to follow peace. May you lean on God and trust Him. Learn the lesson while you are young and your peace will be great.

You are just as nutty as I am and may you use your humor to help lift up others and not to keep them at arms length. At this stage you are very quick to forgive and may that be a quality that you always have.

We were so happy that there was only one of you. I even wanted it in writing. However you didn’t want to come out and I was two weeks past your due date. When they said 'it’s a boy', I said 'it’s out'! I will say I’m rather disturbed that you love to hear the story that you came out pooping and that you pooped all over the nurse AND doctor – twice. Really, you don’t need to add the sound effects as we were there.

You were a bouncy baby boy – you just haven’t stopped bouncing yet.

Jared means ruler and Thomas means of twins. How fitting that you try so hard to rule over your twin brothers. However that was not our intention when we named you! I didn’t even know that was the meaning of your name until I was looking up names for someone else.

Like it or not but you are sensitive and your brothers have done a lot to protect you. I know they make you mad sometimes but you truly are blessed to have them in your life just as they are blessed to have you for a little brother.

Your Dad and I are very proud of you. No matter what, always remember that you are loved. Life has been fun with you in it.

Yes, it was hard for me when you had to tell me you are too big to snuggle any more, but I’ve noticed that you still crawl in bed with me sometimes ‘for old times sake’.

And you wonder why I hang on just a little longer, just a little tighter not knowing that it will never be this way again. You tell me that you will always love me and I know that is true but what you can’t see is that it will always be changing but never the same.

For you to understand that would mean for you to have children of your own and God knows I don’t want to go there. So for now, Sweet Pea, just indulge your mama with an extra hug.

Here, have some cheese dust while I mop my face and blow my nose.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

No Vermtech Degree Required



Well the weekend went rather well. The guys did find the opening and did fix it so take that supa squirrel!

Lots of little tid bits were fixed around the house. I was really glad FIL could help hubby out as most of the time it's all on him. I do all the painting but beyond that not much help. Oh except the cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and trying not to kill of the spawn - all while trying to teach them something so they can be productive adults. Ahem!

Bizarre part was CJ wanted to go to CiCi's pizza. It's a pizza buffet and they have (gag) macaroni and cheese pizza. Cheese pizza + macaroni and cheese = cheese heaven. I think he was planning to bring some cheese dust just to finish it off. The weird part was the closest one to us was shut down with eviction notices taped on the door. Okay.

So we went across town and pulled up just in time for there to be a notice of closure due to faulty equipment. ??? Are you kidding me?? Luckily for us he was a very good sport about it and we ended up going to Culver's that was around the corner.

In-laws took us to Olive Garden for lunch today after church. Totally rawk! And yesterday MIL took just me and we went to Payless and she bought me two pairs of shoes. We then went to Fashion Bug and I bought a few things. I tried on a truck load of clothes because normally I don't even get the chance to look let alone try on clothes.

Who would have thought that my MIL treats me better than my own mother? We had fun looking a different things. We both commented that there seems to be butterflies on everything this year and both of us noticed that a lot of tops have been extra clingy to the mid-drift.

Who thought this was a good idea, anyway??

Oh Mr. Fashion person that designs clothes. I know you are probably use to designing clothes for the sick and emaciated but do you have to use material that clings to the tummy area?? Even non fat girls have their muffins put in a strangle hold lately and it's just not flattering no matter what size we are - so could you use some common sense for a change and knock that off?!! Thank you.

I tried on this cute top. At least it was cute until I put it on me. One of those oh so cute - on the hanger. All the print was right around my butt, gut, and hips yet it had my girls in a vice grip that had them asking me what did they ever do wrong to be treated that way. And then I caught a glimpse of myself from the back.

Holy crap!!

Did someone shove something up my back when I wasn't looking?? Maybe if I can turn my head all the way around I could have bigger boobs from the back fat, a flat back that could be a flat stomach but then I would be stuck with my butt as a lower gut.

Umm, me thinks not!

Needless to say that was depressing. I tried on several of those shirts that not only clinged to my stomach but it was so tight you could count the stretch marks. Wow. Where was the comfort food when I needed it? Of course after seeing myself in a mirror I don't think I should eat - ever again!

I'm totally cute - from the neck up. But then my hair has been falling out plus going grey. Do the grey ones fall out?? NOOO! Those are the strong ones. I tell ya I'm getting nervous that I'll end up looking like Grandma Bernard...

only bald.

I told my husband I hope he finds this attractive

as I've noticed some similarities from my last visit with my Mom. Oh I kid but there are days it's just down right sad.

But other than looking baggy and saggy we had a good time.