Monday, June 30, 2008

Doggone Funny!

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell Terrier named Killer along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away in to the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?' Instead of running, however, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...'Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

----- No matter what situations life throws at you... no matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...

Remember,there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

An old tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, into the kitchen, and onto a couch.

An hour later he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar, "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar, "He lives in a home with ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk gently around Peter legs, lifting him carefully then slammed his stupid @ss against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Tag I'm It!

Fuschia tagged me for a six word me-me. To sum me up...

Slipped and fell, got back up.

I'm suppose to tag six other people. Most of you have already been tagged a lot so if you want to give it a go - go for it! Just let me know if you try it. Jen did one.

Hope you're staying cool!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Eek! A Ghost

I'm almost wondering if people should have a license to be let out of the house. Isn't there a law that says if you are so many fries off a happy meal you just keep it contained in your four corners and spare the rest of society?

Oh wait, they would have to lock up almost everyone. Okay scratch that. I just wish I would stop running into these people - every.where.I.go.

I had to run to our local grocery store to pick up two items that I thought I had but didn't and needed it for dinner.

I'm standing in line telling myself that it is very wise that I don't shop here often as 1) they are expensive and 2) clearly all the freaks shop here.

This could have gone bad but luckily for me it didn't. The weirdo behind me decided to entertain himself and my boys by telling them that the place is haunted - by lots of ghosts.

Really! What idiot thinks hey I know how to put a smile on this total strangers face - scare the bajeepers out the kids?!

My kids are seasoned home schoolers. They are used to the questions, the prodding, the harassing of gosh why don't you try a normal school. They are much.more.gracious than I could ever hope to be so stood there while old geezer who should never be around small children went off on some story.

They picked up a lot faster than I have that stupid people never, never shut up. So it's best just to nod your head and move along rather than try to have polite conversation or heaven forbid argue with them.

Of course, I have no idea who would get into a battle of wits with an unarmed person. Ahem!

Anyway, old mr. not too bright went on and on and on about the whole area being haunted. Since we don't live too far away from the place this got the youngest one's eyes starting to bug out a little. Sensing their little brother's angst the Things decided to snap this off at the knee.

They both got on either side of CJ and started to distract him and talked right over the man. Crotchety old geezer didn't realize he lost his audience and just kept on talking. I quickly paid for the two items and got the boys away from him.

Later I'm sitting at the computer when I hear this weird noise. I look up and see a "ghost" go running by - several times.

Yeah, I don't think he was skeert or the least bit concerned in anyway shape or form.

Show of hands - how many of us had mother's that freaked out if we put a plastic bag over our heads? Anyone? Mine did all the time. And I say all the time because I would put the bag on my head just to uh, freak her out - all the time.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


As I've said - I'm not an animal person. If it's furry, smells weird, and poops then I'm not a big fan especially if I have to clean up after it. Now I don't mind petting animals it's just the daily maintenance of them that does me in.

Lately I've seen this pretty cat. Hubby is allergic so no way but it is cute from a I-don't-have-to-do-anything-with-you sort of way.

I've been known to feed stray cats - love em and leave em type thing. Here you can have one meal now scram. My folks got stuck with a black cat cuz I fed him once. They blamed me but who kept feeding him, I ask you?

I was still wondering if I should give this cat anything when I noticed today that girlfriend has some kittens. They were soooo cute! Weirdest thing I've ever seen - four kittens that look like two sets of twins. Two white with black/grey patches and the patches are in the same spot AND two orange kittens with white socks all in the same spots.


Now I'm wondering if Hubby was right because that many cats could make a lot of noise not to mention a lot of poo.

Hubby said if I give the cats anything to make sure I take it over to them and not on our porch. When I asked him why not our porch he had to remind me of our raccoon death trap.

I was trying to block that from my mind.

You would think with all the stuff we've done recently that the man would be too busy to notice another raccoon has been hitting us up.


This is not Rocky's legendary story. This is a new one. After what all this dude has pulled I'm thinking this is the pet of Jason Bourne.

He hasn't run away like Rocky, uh-huh. Dude has stood his ground and hissed at me ready to shank me.

My response? See ya! And run away screaming like the wuss that I am.

I wasn't going to mess with the crack addict so no way am I going to go up against one that clearly has some mad skillz.

Thanks to Rocky, we had put the dog food bin on top of a high barrel. Rocky was so strung out he never figured it out and his fat little butt couldn't make it that high.

This one is fatter and bigger and scaled the thing like it was nothing. He's not the crack addict like Rocky cuz he has proven himself to be a worth adversary.

Hubby, with all his Verm-tech skillz, laughed manically at the new challenge.

Lawd, have mercy!

So he got a piece of board and attached it on top of the barrel. Then he drilled SEVERAL two inch screws through it.

You read that right.

He then arranged it just so that Mr. Bourne would have to pull some Indiana Jones moves to get over it. Feeling very smug about himself we went off to run errands. I told Hubby that if I come home and see some raccoon all strung up like Jesus stuck on those screws I was going to hurl. Massive chunks would be blown and he would have to clean it up.

Sicko said it would be well worth it, but assured me that he did not think Bourne would be back. We pulled into our drive-way just in time to see the dog food bin come flying off the deck!!

He was about ready to pick the lock but had to make his escape but just when he was slipping through the fence, he stopped, turned around and lifted his paw at us and then disappeared.

Dude just flipped us off!!!

Me, being me, looked over at Hubby. He held up his hand to stop whatever sarcastic comment I was about to make. I opened my mouth only to get the Ah.

I started to breath hard trying to control the laughter that was starting to build. I quickly slammed the van into park, shut it off, and leaped out before I could start to snort with laughter.

No such luck.

The boys said that dirty little squeaken-squeaker. They looked at their Dad and said it's go time.

I have no idea what code they just spoke neither do I want to. But I do know that it called for the dog food bin to sit in the house for a week and the trap to be tweaked.

May I present the latest in Verm-technology:

What you can't see too well is the three mouse traps on the other side of it. Hubby first had the bin all the way next to the brick wall but that didn't stop him.

I think my husband has some issues.

Maybe it was the bats that sent him over the edge?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Saying Goodbye To The Past

To say there is no drama in a church would be saying the sun doesn't shine - in death valley. Every church has it's ups and downs and ours is no exception. What is unique about our church is we were meeting in an office building.

We have left this church and a few years later came back (kicking and screaming). Coming back to a place that was so part of our lives for a long time was both happy and hard.

Lots of changes have rocked this church in the last year. Pastor stepping down, people leaving, vision changes. A new hope, new friendships and a new way of going as come out of the rubble. Except we have to leave the building.

I know the building isn't the church but...

Last night we were moving things out. I dragged my boys into one of the rooms. This is a picture of them back in 2001. We had painted the kids hands and put them on the wall.

Thing2 is in blue and Thing1 is in green. They were really obsessed with these colors. Still are but are slowly coming out of it. People can't tell them apart so they came up with their own colors by the age of 3!

Anyway, I dragged them in there for a picture. They didn't want to so all I got was their hand up against the old hand print.

Thing1's hand.

Thing2's hand.

The day of our last service we had a couple renew their vows for their 25th wedding anniversary. It really was a fitting end. Yes, they have been married for a long time but it was a renewal - a public display of commitment.

As we are moving into a school for the summer and I can only hope that God will move quickly to birth something new. But for the last few days it's like walking in a fog.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Tee Hee, I mean Amen

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do? "A thoughtful girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir," the boy replied. “And do you say them in the morning too?" the pastor asked. "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"The little boy replied "Thank God he's in bed!"

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! ' ' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is experiencing "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL @SS" - He has developed a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "

Have a good one!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Jane, Get Me Off This Crazy Thing! it has been a couple of crazy weird days. Run here, run there, call here, do this, get that, fix this, and stop that!

Yesterday there was strawberry picking, hanging out, rushed home, made a dessert, rushed out the door minus all the guys had GIRL time and didn't come back until early morning.

Hey, girls just want to have fun.

This wasn't too bad except hubby woke up and tried calling my cell phone but I had left it on vibrate and didn't hear it.

Who knew he cared so much that he actually panicked?

I mean blown waaay out of proportion panic, lets round up a search party and turn over every stone between here and there.

I'm wondering if the man had some weird dream. The whole thing was just icing on a spiritual thunderstorm of a week.

Ruffled feathers were smooth, much smooching was had and he left for the day with a smile on his face. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do sometimes. I went to bed about 6 AM and set alarm to get up at 9 AM.

I came down the steps this morning only to discover that my parents were sitting at my kitchen table drinking tea.
Holy crap!

That is NOT the way to start the day especially me sleep deprived. Not to mention I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON. On top of that I get slap happy when I'm sleep deprived.

I did see something totally weird. It was the sunset - only in reverse. It kept getting brighter and brighter. How weird was that??

I was telling my folks this to try and recover from almost screaming in their faces when my bleary eyes fell upon them. They, or course, laughed and said somethings will never change with me. Needless to say this isn't the first time I've lost track of time and got home late or early depending on how you look at it.

Dad, the computer person, did a bunch of stuff to the computer and we shall see what happens. I was too tired to say much to Mom other than just nod my head with whatever is was she said.

She was in a good mood.

Cue scary music.

She was puttering around my house - doing what I have no idea and at this point I didn't care. More than half the furniture in here is hers anyways. Maybe she just needed to say hi to it or something. Both of them went on and on about the dining room. I just slowly nodded my head.

She looked at me and said "All my stuff looks really nice in this house."

I forced my eyelids open and barely focusing on her face replied, "It sure does and you aren't getting any of it back."

She laughed. Laughed, I tell you!

Where is the scary music I had called for??

She said it looks so nice.

Suspicion was mounting. I only had one eye open to try and focus on her and see if I had suddenly developed some sort of see through motives or something. Superman can have the pervy look through the clothes thing - I want to know what is behind the smile, the compliment, the ulterior motives.

No, I'm not totally bitter it was just not a pleasant way to wake up. And she was being, you know, NICE. Normal even!

I almost snorted my tea through my nose when the Things came down the stairs and said "Oh no what are YOU doing HERE?!" Before she could answer they turned around and went back upstairs. Now in their defense they were just wearing underwear and DID NOT want to be seen in that state.

Curious J just came stumbling along to get to his breakfast, stopped in his tracks, rubbed his eyes and said, "Well, goooood morning sunshine!" and jumped into my mom's lap.

She chuckled. That boy has always had an affect on her that she just can't deny his cuteness but then he farted on her and the happy feeling was gone.

Mom stated that she is bored, bored, BORED and said that she misses all the tasks a house takes. It took all the restraint I had to not say anything.

Mom is getting all excited as we are going to be canning zucchini relish shortly. She was on my case to find out how many canning jars we moved with us.

This is part where I pretend to stab myself with an invisible icepick.

There were soooo many jars that there was no way we could move all of them. Got to remember we moved almost all of her stuff as well as most of our stuff. Foreclosure=kiss my grits I'm trashing the place.

We didn't trash the place but we couldn't take everything with us. However, shortly after we moved someone broke in and they trashed the place. And I mean tossed things all over the place. I don't know if Sasquatch got a little freaky going on or what the deal was but it wasn't us.

I digress.

Reality tapped mumsy on the shoulder and informed her that none of the glass containers made the trek.

Oh yeah, NOW the scary music shows up - slacker.

The wailing and gnashing of teeth was about to build to biblical proportions when I saw something amazing. She was in such a good mood to get out of the house that she quickly recovered and said well that's neither here nor there.

We have just witnessed a miracle. Either that or she was tanked up on a pot of coffee which was probably the case.

She started rattling off a list of things we will need to start to get in preparation for canning. I can only have my Mom's relish. I was so worried we were going to run out while she was in prison but thank goodness that didn't happen once we found her secret stash.

I haven't let her live this down yet.

I am more than happy to help just not right this second and especially not this week as too much was going on so I just zoned out and just let her ramble as I checked my eyelids for pinholes. (Closed my eyes and pretended I was in deep thought or praying really hard)

Right now it seems as if life has hit the spin cycle and these last few days has left me cleaned up thanks to a hair cut, warn out, very dizzy, a bit damp and rather wilted. I'm going to drag my very sore sleep deprived body off to bed. I saw this and I can relate

Anyone else feel this way too?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Paging Doctor Hormone

I'm about ready to dub this place the House of Hormones. The Things are morphing into something weird, hairy, and sensitive - in other words ME!

If I smile at Thing2, I get this choked up response that he doesn't like to be laughed at. What?? I wasn't laughing at you I just smiled! I have to repeat myself and give a detailed explanation to Thing1 for EVERYTHING. Then if I snip at them bring on the water works.

And then in a twinkling of an eye, they are sword fighting, crashing into things and each other, and making their little brother's life miserable. I felt so bad for CJ one day. Minding his own business he walked into a room but this made Thing1 mad and was nasty to him. Slowly backing away he knocked over something of Thing2 who immediately chewed him out.

This went on for a few days and then Curious J turned into ticked off J and decided if he was going to get yelled at by the Things then he was going to make it worth his while.

You can say goodbye to feeling bad for him.

Not to mention the cloud of stupid is still hanging around.

I just told Thing2 to pull out his frozen pizza and turn on the oven. 5 minutes pass and he says Oh I got the pizza out.

Did you turn on the oven?

Uh, no.

Why not?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

And the hovering thing is getting worse. For some reason the boys will be in our faces all.the.time. I go to the kitchen and they are right there. I tell them to move so they move right where I'm trying to go. I say move again and they slink away like I just kicked them.

Tempting but I didn't.

I hear them goofing off in the kitchen. They know I'm on the computer and therefore think I can't hear them. But because they know I'm typing they keep trying to hover around to try and see what I'm typing.

For the love of God I'm trying to escape you type for 15 minutes - GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!

Now I hear them talking back in the kitchen about how grouchy I am and trying to comfort each other. Apparently I'm just mean and don't understand anything.

Deep breath, count to ten - s-l-o-w-l-y.

If I'm so not getting it then why do they insist on coming in here every 5 minutes and just smile at me and say love ya mom? They can't think of anything to say but they are in my face 24/7. I ask them what do you want and they reply nothing but just stand there looking at me. Go read a book I suggest to which I get a no way. I told them I would like to read a book.

Reading a book is almost darn near impossible lately because they will wait until I sit down and then decide that is the moment we need to discuss how I hurt their feelings when I walked by and patted their head.

Lawd have mercy, this stage better end right quick!

I told my husband that since I am in the house of dudes that me, myself, and I should be the only person on the hormone train. That theory has been derailed by twin pubescent boys.

Any suggestions? I tried chocolate and that doesn't effect them. ??? That one threw me for a loop. And at this point I'm desperate cuz Thing2 just keeps pacing back and forth.

I know they are bored. Unfortunately, right now there is no one that is around their age at church or anywhere else for that matter. But that whole funk thing? I just can't muster up enough thought to deal with it. They want to be around adults more but lately they are so stinking moody that anything anyone says can and will be used against them in the court of hormone unreasonableness.

I should know as I frequent there often.

On top of that, they no longer want to run around as that is just too childish. If it's considered little kid they want nothing to do with it. They said I'm inside all the time. Yeah, I just cleaned the kitchen, I'm waiting for the dryer to stop to fold clothes, and I really should run a rag over the furniture to push the mutant dust bunnies off the cliffs of insanity.

That's me - living the life.

My Mom just called to say they are coming over Thursday so my Dad can check out the computer and see if he can fix it. Then she wants me to do a bunch of stuff that I zoned out and stopped paying attention.

Huh, so that's what happening. Apparently everything I'm saying is causing my kids to have this overwhelming feeling of gosh I could care less. Trouble is I'm the adult and they have no say. Wait a second! I still feel like I have no say, dagnabbit!

What really fries my bacon, is that I'm worried I'm turning more into my Mom. I would cry if someone yelled at me. Now? I feel like I only have two volumes - loud and really loud. I thought someone was stabbing our dog from all the noise she was making. Turns out it was her reaction to me yelling at the kids. I hit a pitch that causes her to have some weird doggy seizure and she's an outside dog.

Oh I kid.

Or that dog would have died a loooong time ago.

Just saying some days it's hard to control the beast. After all I have half of Cruella DeVil running through my veins, y'all.

I keep hoping hubby will do an intervention. When I told him this he slapped me in the head and said devils come out. Actually, I thought it was hilarious.

"This is your captain speaking. We are now leaving the House of Hormone. As you can see by all the wailing and gnashing of teeth why the weather people have called storms the wrath of MOTHER nature. Due to the frequency of this screamer we will have to reach a higher altitude - where sound can't penetrate."

Monday, June 16, 2008

What Stage Is This?

No one prepared me for this.

I’ve heard everyone talk about empty-nesters and how lonely it would be. I heard that teenagers would cause what is left of your brain to leak out of your ear. That all your hair color would give up out of exhaustion and a nervous eye twitch would probably occur all around the same time.

But no one told me about this stage.

This is the stage where your kids moved right out of kid stage to gosh you’re a dork stage to even suggest we sit down and watch that lame little kids movie.

Huh? When did this happen??

My kids FORCED me to watch almost every stinking Disney video out there, not to mention we tried to instill good messages in our kids and forced them to watch VeggieTales and Bibleman (even though there was much twitching at the cheesiness).

There were even the dreaded shows. To this day I have Magenta's coming over from Blue’s Clues stuck in my head. The theme song to Bob the Builder is still lurking in my skull. I still shudder remembering Kipper – I think at one point I tried to get it out of my head with an ice cream scooper but gave up and just hit myself with it repeatedly until I lost consciousness.

Yes, it was that bad.

The only thing worse I think was Maisy and Rubby and Max. I can say thank ya Jesus I have no clue what is out there right now.

I know my kids weren’t the only kids out there that loved to play the same blankety-blank video over and over and over until you loose all intelligence.

People, this is the new wave of terrorism – children’s videos. Play them on a loop and you will have grown men begging to give you a direct map to Osama Bin Ladin’s secret lab where he cooks up all his nasty ideas. I don't even know how to spell his name nor do I care. The point is repetition may teach a child but will cause an adult to go loopy.

That is my story and I'm sticking to it.

Thing2 got over everything quickly and has been trying to get adult certification while Thing1 has been dragged kicking and screaming into each stage. Once he’s there he chills out and we decide to let him live another day. I am concern that CJ is starting to show early stages of Peter Pan syndrome. When asked what does he want to be when he grows up all I get is an empty stare and this long pause.

Same thing I did – dagnabbit.

Not realizing I was in danger of disaster I thought I would be the cool Mom and slipped in a surprise DVD. We saw this movie for free last summer. LAST SUMMER. We all thought it was great. Fast forward to present and when I showed it too them I got the stares of dorkdom. Even the 9 year old kicked me to the curb!

I told them I was going to borrow other people’s kids so they would watch all the kids movies with me and all three of them said what a relief cuz they only watch them now because they know it makes me happy.

Huh? When did this happen??

These are the same kids that drove me bananas to watch the darn movies in the first place and now they are bailing out on me. I asked what did they want to watch and only three were PG while the rest were PG-13. Can you say Jason Bourne?

I said there is kissing involved and they said that’s why I’m to fast forward through it while they close their eyes. I said there is swearing.

A pause for a dramatic effect and then the Things looked at each other. A smirk appeared on each of their faces. They quickly wiped it away and looked back at me all innocent like.

Thank God the kid was out of slipper tossing distance cuz Thing1 said "it’s nothing we haven’t heard you say before".

Oh no he dih-ant!

Yes, I chased after him.

Yes, I tackled him and yes I tickled him until he screamed uncle – that and I sat on him so I think it was his last request for air or something. CJ jumped on my back thinking to save his brother but only added more weight to the pile. Thing2 said sorry about your loss, bro.

The funny thing was the angst from Thing1. How dare I treat him like a little kid?! I told him it was humble pie and if he would like seconds I would be more than happy to bring him a second helping. I think I heard, nothatsokaybye as he raced up the stairs.

But now I was back to being alone with mountains of kids movies and no kids that want to watch them. I said I guess we should pack them up and the boys all said about time.

No one told me about THIS stage. What would you call it? The death of Disney? Goodbye childhood?

First I’m force to watch the stupid things and now that I like to watch them they don’t want to.

This is what we call a cruel sense of irony.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Warning - Massive Rant!

At this point I would advise you to run for the hills and read no further. The rest of you that have been taking bets the train will wreck - read on.

I just had the day from hell a very bad day. I'm still up in the middle of the night cause I'm still pacing the floor like a gorilla I'm so worked up. At first I thought I'm in the middle of a ba-ad period so it's just me but as the day progress I found out no it wasn't.

Sure I spent all morning hunched over in pain but hey thanks to big sis Eve and some serious amounts of Midol it was suppose to balance each other out. I must have missed the scary music cue to give me the heads up.

I had to threaten Thing1 with bodily harm to do his schoolwork. I muttered under my breath that this is one of the reasons why I didn't want to keep homeschooling. However I have 5 1/2 million reasons why we do so unfortunately for me those outweigh the tude I've been getting - coming from me.

There are free movies going on and the boys bugged me all week to go see the Chipmunk movie. The agreement was schoolwork was to be finished before we went. Well it didn't happen for the first viewing but we made it for the second.

This made dinner late which did not make for a nice evening or maybe by that point we were just in survival mode.

The Things school stuff is all on computer. While I'm not thrilled with it, I haven't been able to juggle the teaching of different grades not to mention I start to hyperventilate when I think of subjects past the third grade. I tried to have us all sit at the table and do schoolwork. I would rather wax the nether-regions than do that again.

Much fun was had by all except it wasn't being had by any of us.

After buying the expensive stuff we ran into computer problems. One of the computers would just shut off while in the middle of whatever you were doing. We ended up having to go down to one computer, which means I had to reload and re-enter two months worth of schoolwork AND we now have to share.

This is also the reason why we are behind and will have to continue through the summer. Would you like to know how many times we've done rock, paper, scissors to force someone to go first? Then there is the bribery that happens between the two of them.

It's moments like this that I'm convinced I'm getting punked by God.

Anyway, thanks to my folks sending me one of their millions of emails of read this article or watch this youtube comment of how we're all doomed suddenly my computer is now freaking out. As in the computer has now started shutting off randomly right in the middle of blogging, and then again during schoolwork time. And if that wasn't scary enough it locked up.

I sat there staring at the blank screen of death realizing the whole year's worth of schoolwork now might be gone forever.

Cue tears, wailing and gnashing of teeth and a slew of swear words.

Did I mention in between the hunched over in pain and the threatening of body parts that my folks decided to call? That info must not have made it past the pain induced cloud.

My Mom decided that, golly gee I didn't have enough guilt going through my head and called just to give me twenty different ideas to help motivate me to be more aggressive with the boys' academics. I swear the woman can figure out when I am at my lowest and pick that moment to call...

to try and convince me to jump off a cliff only to pull me back by saying "you're always so negative".

I snipped back that I didn't ask for her ideas.
She asked if I was on my period.
Yes, Mom, I am and guess what I thought I would wear the pad adhesive side up just to put a bit more bite in my bark. Grr.
15 minutes later my Dad calls up. Sit, stay, now roll over, play dead, good boy!

My cousin is getting married this weekend and it's 5 hours away. We would have to get up at the butt crack of dawn and eat breakfast and lunch on the way. It's only a dessert reception so we would have to eat dinner on the way back.

Oh could we really??

Apparently no one saw the gas prices lately. Needless to say, we ain't going.

But my Dad decided to give me the guilt trip. I said, "I'm sorry but I'm already one the I don't give a flying fart trip so please take a number and I will get back to you as soon as I care. Thank you, buh-bye."

He wasn't amused. I didn't realize I was joking.

So there I was - pain coursing through every vein and organ, no one wants to do school work INCLUDING ME, we're behind cuz we only have one computer that decided it's as hormonal as the rest of us in this pit and then in a moment of insanity I decided that would be a good time to balance the checkbook and pay some bills.

Money is just not a fun topic right now. At this point I got a headache that is doing the mambo behind my left eyebrow, but now I've gone and touched the owie spot. I'm already a quart low on blood, I'm aware I don't get enough oxygen to my brain, and now the funk was sending me constant advertisements like...

Hello, this is the funk speaking. Just so you know we are running a special this week - free room and board in the pit of despair! Bring the kids there's plenty of room.

What can I say? It's campaigning right now.

I kicked the computer into temporary submission so I could neglect my children find my happy place. I get on only to get punked on my own blog. I'm sure this is just the effects of a bad day that are talking but whoever Caron is you really pissed me off.

I'm not a mean spirited person. I'm frustrated with a lot of things and I've got issues. I've said repeatedly that this is cheap therapy and I'm just trying to figure life out as best I can. I'm still a bit confused that you thanked me but sent me on a link that basically slams things I believe and pokes fun of people that I respect and have learned from.

I'm talking about how funky I've been and you send me off to get sucker punched. You just pissed in my pool. Now I have to add chlorine to it and clean out the turd you left in my filter.
Here's the thing I don't get. If we all say we believe in Jesus Christ then why are so many people nit picking each other? It's not about who is right and who is wrong on the little things. We are to be Christlike.

What is the point of putting down what other's believe? Aren't we as brothers and sisters in Christ suppose to encourage each other? Life is hard - we have an enemy and it's not suppose to be each other.

I've heard many a popular teaching that has called word of faith a cult. Why does one group get to claim another group is a cult? While I don't attend a word of faith church it just doesn't sit right with me that one group is saying another group is wrong because a difference of opinion.

As I said our country was founded on people coming here to worship God the way they saw fit without fear of persecution. Does the whole life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness ring a bell? We are entitled to believe what we want to believe. If the word of faith movement is of God than no one will be able to stop it but if it's of man than it will fizzle out on it's own. No need to go start a committee or get a paid Senator to start a religious mob.

Lately the popular chant is we are to have diversity to others, their lifestyle choices and their religious beliefs however mine aren't tolerated. I've noticed a double standard. I'm not suppose to say anything to offend anyone but they can say whatever they want about my beliefs? How is that being diverse? Or is the diversity utopia only for the few?

Like I said, the funk has not been fun, it's been a bad day, and if I misunderstood you than I apologize. Chalk it up to the pms that won and all normal thought left for the day. It just came across to me that you were not attempting to encourage me at all but kicking me while I was down.

If you are trying to say that Joyce Meyer isn't someone to listen to because someone else with a degree behind his name says so than you are entitled to your opinion - go start your own blog and tell the world why you feel that way.

I like her simply because she's been through a lot of crap and said God changed her and this is what she's learned from studying the Bible and that's how it helped her. Hot dog if someone else has already figured a way out of the pit then I'm taking directions and following right out behind them.

I can hear a few of you saying dang girl, calm down and you are right. It got my panties in a knot and with that adhesive pad on that really smarts.

Looks like I ended up waxing down there anyway. And here I thought for sure the Chewbacca in a hairnet was going to be the new summer look. Sorry y'all for the rant.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Nothing In My Noggin

I'm trying to come up with something and right now all I got are crickets going on in my head. Usually there is too much junk making noise to drown out the cricket sound.

Ah, noise. How I both hate and need thee. I don't like noise when the boys are loud but if they are quiet that can't be good!

But this means that if something funny isn't on the tip of my brain then it must mean it's therapy time. If you have something better to do like scrub out the trash can you might want to run along and go do that.

Been an interesting day. We were asked to fast and pray for our church. We are moving out of our building and going into the unknown. We had a night of worship and it was awesome!

A few things God has been showing me lately. I was reading an article in Joyce Meyer's magazine and I came across an article about a wounded spirit. Ever have those moments when God will grab your attention and let you know, hey stupid listen up?

Just me isn't it? Phooey!

Anyway, this article was saying that there are two types of a broken spirit. One is positive leading to repentance and another that affects our spirit and motivation. It said if we are tired and don't feel like bothering anymore and everything is an effort than that is signs of a broken spirit.

Do tell.

"Even if we are sick, as long as our spirit is strong and healthy, we will be able to cope and keep going. But when we are damaged in our spirit, ever the slightest problem, physical or otherwise, can crush us, causing us to lose control over our spirit. When this happens, we become defenseless and vulnerable." by Phil Pringle

It went on to give two examples - Joseph and Gideon. Joseph obviously had positive faith while Gideon struggled with fear and doubt.

Hi my name is Gideon-ette. I have some serious self-esteem issues just to scratch the surface. It's been 3 whole seconds since my last mental flogging of I'm such a failure.

"5 events that break people's spirit:
1. Breached Trust. When someone close to us breaks our trust in them our spirit becomes deeply wounded and drained.
2. Failure. When we fail in life, we can easily lose faith in ourselves and our abilities.
3. Bearing Responsibility Beyond Ability. A load that is too heavy will break a person's spirit. (NO KIDDING!)
4. Responsibility Without Authority. If we are given a problem to solve but are not given the resources or authority to make decisions this too can break our spirit.
5. Conceit. We set ourselves up to fall when we become conceited."

"6 steps for getting rid of poisons that can bring about a wounded spirit:
1. Feed on the Word of God.
2. Let the Holy Spirit wash through you in worship, reviving you and bringing you back to spiritual life.
3. Fellowship with other strong believers is crucial.
4. Discipline your thoughts to remain on those things that create faith and peace.
5. Don't feed your hurt; rather choose to be positive and show mercy in your words and actions to those who hurt you.
6. Seek a direct encounter with God Himself."

A lot of this stuff was jumping out at me. There had been a few things lately that has caused a lot of junk to come up. It took me a while to put a finger on it and it was rejection. So I pulled out Joyce's tape series on the Root of Rejection. She said a root of rejection can twist a person's perspective into thinking they are being rejected when that isn't the case. We can be so wounded that we think people are out to get us when they aren't.

She asked what are you using to keep yourself fixed? She asked if we need everyone's approval of dinner or do we go to pieces?

Drat. Double drat. Who told??

Actually, it's CJ being so darn picky I don't like it attitude that usually gets under my skin fast which I end up yelling, the minute I yell he cries which then gets me even more steamed. And the reason why I get so steamed? Cause I did the same stupid thing when I was his age and darn it all if I don't do the exact.same.thing. my Mom did.


Then I got two soon to be teens that suddenly want to take on the world and then bawl like a newborn. They are more emotional and moody than I am if that's even possible. One minute they are full of it the next crushed over something I did or didn't do or may or may not do.

I can't keep this straight.

What I find interesting is so many women are saying the same thing as myself - I'm lonely. I go to church, I'm surrounded by people and yet I feel like no one gets me. Which is scary cuz that's what my boys are saying.

Holy crap am I going through puberty again?!?

I don't have the answers just my brain trying to keep things into perspective even if that perspective is a bit off.

I was talking with a friend of mine about how weird this rejection thing has been. It has come out of no where and has just been hanging around. Toss in that wounded spirit and I'm looking at a fight I need to fight but absolutely no ambition to fight it off. So here I sit just getting slipper slapped left and right and I'm just taking it because I feel too overwhelmed to do a dang thing about it which is odd and disturbing.

Why on earth would I just stand here and take it? Why am I just sitting here still feeling overwhelmed with life?

I'm telling ya speed will kill ya! The speed of life. I told my husband that I think I've slipped into autopilot but now the button is stuck and I don't know how to unstick it. He said he feels the same way.

Crap. My co-pilot is down!

We were both looking at each other and said yeah pull yourself up rah, rah and you can overcome the world blah, blah so go forth and conquer.

You first.

So all this great info had wonderful worship and I'm still stuck in the pit of despair.

Great. The funk is back. Actually the funk has been around I was just keeping it at arms length. It's not necessarily depression it's just funk. Things that use to help isn't anymore.

One thing I will say about Gideon was that he didn't give up. He had zero faith in himself and God yet God didn't kick him to the curb and say screw you with your fleece wet/dry thing I'm not a shop vac. So even though I'm face down in a mud puddle blowing bubbles I know that God isn't going to leave me there for long.

At least I hope not as I'm running out of air.

What's that Lord? I can't hear you as I'm face down in a mud puddle. Mif my mead? What? Hold on I have to lift my head to hear You. Now what did you say? Lift my head? Well I just did that! Don't you have anything else to tell me?? Sigh

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Summer Time Fun

Thought I would try on a new look for summer! Not sure if I like it but hey it just screams SUMMER!

Thanks to Holly I've been watching to see how random people find my blog and well it's both funny and disturbing. For example...

Mango tree squirrel pepper - I hear all the snobby rednecks are using this at their summer digs. From what I can gather it would make a mean meat rub - on squirrel. (Pardon me while I gag!)

Electric snuggle blankets - mercy! I want one! Just not right now as it's too hot.

Too much shanks, don't know where my phone is - well if you want my opinion you shouldn't shank someone while you are on the phone. I like to think I'm a multitasker but dang I can't hold a conversation and shank someone at the same time. Put the shank down and just talk on the phone. If they make you that mad - hang up!

Strange teeth smell - I would have to agree.

Nutritional value of bugs - okay someone is lying. There is no value of crunching on an insect. Don't let the blog name fool you - I HATE BUGS!!

Welcome to the pit - of despair! (Oh I slay myself) Yes, there are days this place is a pit of mess and a nasty pit of emotions. It's anyone's guess which it will be.

Oxygen to my brain - obviously I don't get enough.

My teeth just got pulled, when can i drink alcohol again? - I would think you would have wanted to be snockered before the pulling because that's not a memory I would want to have.

The number one hit I get on randomness is Curse You AquaScum. The google mind always sends people to my blog over that phrase. Don't know why - it's not like I use it fifty times a day or anything.

Actually, I'm wondering why no one googles dagnabbit. It should be sweeping the nation as the new catch phrase.

Or not.

Anyhoo, I thought I would even toss a little blogbling.

I big puffy heart love Kellan! The woman has every blogbling for every occasion but I don't think she has this

so I'm passing it along to her - very fitting I think.

I would also like to pass along this

to Anna. She knows how to do southern sass! And I'll pass the same thing on to Andrea cuz girl has some sass too.

Julie you already have the other award as you were the one that gave it to me so grab whatever you would like.

Thanks for reading my train wreck that is still waiting to happen.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Mother Nature Just Went Postal

I got this picture off of our news website. Photo was taken by Oswald.

I wonder if this guy was outside or inside when he took this picture. I would not go outside in weather like this.

We had to have our computer off and everything shut down all weekend long. Saturday night we were watching a movie with the boys and all of the sudden the sirens started going off. The weird thing was all was quiet when these sirens went off.

I looked outside and nothing except there was A LOT of lightening going off. According to our weather team lightening tracker there was over 17,000 counts.

Now my Mom would always pray anytime bad weather would come. That is something my Mom knows how to do is pray. I've seen that woman go out in the middle of nasty storms and rebuke the wind and things would go quiet.

She said if Jesus can talk to the wind than so could she as He is in her.

We had nasty weather one time when we went camping a few years ago. That was the year we found out that the seams all needed to be resealed (whee). Hubby had just got the tent up and it started to hail. I was in the tent with the boys and he ran back and forth bringing all of our stuff while we mopped up the puddles that were pouring in.

Dude was soaked!

We were in the middle of no where and the thunder and lightening was fierce. CJ was on the other side of the tent and after one really close strike he leaped across and into my arms. To stop the fear that was quickly rising I had the boys sing Our God Is An Awesome God. I told the boys to remember VeggieTales and God is bigger than the boogieman.

What they didn't know was I was telling myself more than I was telling them!

We ended up laughing and making a game out of mopping up the puddles and ended up having a good time - for camping. Of course that was the first year we went without my parents so maybe there is a connection.

We've had some bad weather the last few years and guess what? I have been known to talk to the storms. Our electricity went out and I said I don't think so! and it popped right back on. I pray a hedge of protection over our house a lot.

I woke up early Sunday morning to loud crashes and the windows were rattling something fierce. I prayed! It didn't make the storm stop but we were safe and our house was safe. I didn't sleep too well but again we were safe.

As I lay in bed I had the thought that life is sort of like that too. We go through storms and there is nothing we can do about it. We pray and it gives us peace to weather the storm. How many times have I prayed for a storm to stop and it didn't? I can't count that high!

Prayer is for peace and for strength to get through the storms. While I've prayed for storms to stop all together I haven't had that happen. Instead I've had just enough strength to keep moving through it and a peace knowing that God is bigger than the wind and the waves that threaten to wipe me out.

There have been times when I was mad at God for not stopping the wind and the waves. For whatever reason those storms were in my life but God was with me over every up and down. He held my hand while things pounding at me.

Hasn't always made walking with Him easy. But I still cling to the fact that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

We have more bad weather coming in. According to the website we are suppose to have this off and on all week. Yeah life is like that - no matter what else is suppose to be going on there is always something blowing at us causing a mess.

We are to take courage! No matter what is blowing at us, we have Someone bigger than the wind holding our hands telling us not to be afraid.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Holy Bats, Batman!!

No, it's not a plug for the movie. I really hate bugs but I have found that bats will send all reasonable thought out of my head, which will cause me to get up and run around the room, flapping my arms, screaming at the top of my lungs.

If you will recall here that we've had some issues with the creepy little things.

There are many an evening that we'll hear them flying around the house banging into windows and if it's raining hiding under our porch waiting to pounce on the first thing that comes out the door.

You can bet your bottom dollar (whatever that means) that it's not me.

One of my boys said I was the parent and I said they are men-in-training and that's what men do - kill things! So get to the killing. We decided forget that we'll leave it to the Hubs - the professional.

This is where Murphy's Law gets the Curse you AquaScum of angst fist shake. We had just said one evening that we are so glad that Hubby found and fixed all the batcave entries as well as squirrel manor.

Stupid us for saying by George I think we've done it.

The next morning was a Saturday and Hubby and I were downstairs having breakfast. Thing2 happened to come down very calm and cool. Very casually he says, "There is a critter stuck between the wall and the trim."

I look up at him, his Dad looks at him. He looks from Dad to me. I blink, he blinks. I look at Hubby and he looks at me. I look back at Thing2 "what do you mean a 'critter' is stuck between the wall and the trim?"

Am I the only stupid person out there that asks those questions you really don't want the answers too?? Anyone??

He's still Mr calm about the whole thing. Tells us that while using the bathroom he looked down and saw something odd sticking out of the wall. Thinking it was some dark caulk or mortar repair was eeking out of the trim but realized on further inspection it wasn't caulk but a critter.

I had used this bathroom 15 minutes before he did and his Dad was just 5 minutes before me. If I would have seen this while using the bathroom there would have been a big ol mess that someone would have had to clean up.

I looked over at Hubby and already noticed the twinkle in his eyes.

"Oh for the love of Sam, get a different hobby you sicko." I teased him.

He just chuckled as he made a quick exit to investigate. Sure enough a bat was STUCK between the wall and the trim. This is what I got to hear...

Bang! Squeak. Bang! Squeak. Bang! Squeak.

I was so done with breakfast by that time, especially when I heard Hubby laughing. The boys were all up there to see what their disturbed Dad was doing. Hubby came down in search of pliers. Again, I asked another stupid question like why do you need those?

Apparently there was no way to kill the bat without letting it out. Oh no, no, no! So I'm nodding my head saying "Yes kill it. I heard the banging and the squeaking so it's dead, right?" He said he somehow got a nail stuck in it.

I looked at his smirking face waiting for the punchline. Waiting, waiting and then I realized none was coming - he was serious. I closed my eyes and repressed the gag reflex. I open one eye looking at his face and after swallowing asked, "Is it dead?" His reply was, "Not yet. That's why I need the pliers."

Finally I had a thought NOT to ask any more questions. A few minutes later I heard bang! Squeak. Bang! Squeak. Bang! and uuuuggggghhhhh. Bang, silence, bang!

Little bit later Hubby came down with, ah, used grocery bag all folded over nicely. There were no kind words at this funeral, no eulogy, no moments of silence as we contemplate ashes to ashes type of thing.

Nope, not us. Matter of fact, I high fived the Hubby and he spiked the bag into the dumpster while the spawn was saying what a real man he is.

To say we all hate bats is an understatement. Especially when they have startled us all awake - more than once. That's it! Your species is off the nice list.

So I was talking with a friend today and we were by the wood burning stove. I've heard a funny noise all morning and while talking I heard it again. I heard some rustling noise. When Hubby got home I informed him of it and just as he was telling me I was imagining things there was a rustle, rustle noise.

I, of course, being the mature one stuck my tongue out at him and gave him a raspberry with an eyebrow arch of disdain. Hubby banged on the top and side of wood burner and the rustling noise went nuts.

Since being repeatedly slapped by the cloud of stupid, I opened my mouth taking a breath of air and asked, "Aren't you going to open it and find out what it is?"

He stopped, slowly straightened up, looking down at me with that look that said, surely all oxygen was cut off from your brain and it's truly a miracle you're still upright. He snorted out a no! And then proceeded to explain to me that he didn't want it in the house.

I'll see your eyebrow arch of judgement and raise you with a pain in the reasoning.

"Isn't it already in the house?" I asked.

The man's eyebrows can defy all eyebrow gravity and he sent his superiority way above mine and said that it's not free flying around so it can either fly back up the chimney or die. Translation: there is no way in the world I'm going to open it and find out that it's a bat coated in soot flying around our house.

Checkmate, my friend, checkmate.

I did what every good wife did and submitted to his higher authority of reasoning. But since I was still being strangled by the cloud of stupid I asked why do you think it's a bat?

The look on this man's face was truly priceless.

He said if it was a bird there would have been chirping, it did not sound big enough to be a squirrel so that left the bat.

"Uh, what are we going to do come fall?" I asked with a small trail of stupid still clinging to my forehead. He said it will be dead long before the fall while he gave me a V8 slap to the head to get rid of the stupid.

I'm not holding my breath. Between Murphy's Law and that darn stupid cloud, I just don't see this ending anytime soon. But please, oh please, may there be no more bats!! Ick!