Thursday, July 31, 2008

Death By Zucchini

They say truth is stranger than fiction. Looking at my family I would have to say that is a big ten - four!

An understatement.

DUH!

I'm still a bit miffed that my application to the witness protection program has been denied. I even tried to say hey I witness a crime! But their case is rather easy to prove so therefore they do not need an eyewitness.

Yeah, they'll be sorry if the old grey hair walks. Dude has that whole don't want to kick a puppy thing going in his favor. But who am I to question authority?

I can't believe I just typed that with a straight face.


I decided to drop it in case they brought charges against me for harassment and creating a public display. Wait a second! I do that every day. Hmm. I better rethink this one.

Anyway, we've been going through boxes and sorting out what to keep and what to get rid of. I knew there were things I was going to want and need rather quickly. I mean I was in the stages of gathering things to make the stupid zucchini relish after all.

Since Cruella will be MIA in this whole process I'm finding myself in uncharted territory. Canning. I've helped make this stuff for years but it was always her show and I was just the slave labor. Now I'm the one running the show and still the slave labor.

I haven't made it very far, did I?

But the scary part is I'm the one running the show. I found the recipe for this and I can only shake my head in disbelief. Anyone watch Steel Magnolias where there was a recipe for a cup of this, a cup of that mix, pour, done? Yeah, well that's this recipe.


I don't know if I became a measuring nazi because I was raised with a bit of this and a splash of that type of cooking. Or if it was that NOTHING ever tasted the same. E-V-E-R.

I have no clue how much this is going to make.

And I mean NO CLUE.

I was able to get my hands on some huge zucchini - which is the perfect size AND it was FREE! I'm doing the Snoopy happy dance! It's the little things in life that will put a smile on your face.

And it's the fact that a retard wrote the recipe that will yank it right back off.

I got all the zucchini ground up and put it in bags resting in the freezer ready to be thawed and become relish. I don't know what came over me but I didn't really measure it. I peeled, chopped, and ground it all up.


Oh my gosh please tell me this isn't the beginning stages of Cruellaism!

I thought I didn't have enough for one batch. On further inspection I have enough for a double batch. I was hoping to have enough to make one batch, as I have no idea what I'm doing, and have enough to make zucchini bread.

My brain was starting to get all gummed up - a decision. Do I try making a double batch and skip the bread or make one batch and a lot of bread?


Too. Many. Decisions. Brain. Cramping. Up.

I think I'll go with the double batch and see if a zucchini fairy will leave me more.

One thing I will say is having the right equipment makes all the difference in the world! Mom Cruella got a meat grinder the last time we did this and ohmyword it's fabulous! It slices, doesn't dice, but shreds things like nobodies business. I am seeing some things for this baby!

We go through a lot of cheese. Shredded cheese to be exact. I about feel over last time I went grocery shopping and the same package of shredded cheese I always get went from $1.98 to $2.68! I'm thinking I will be hitting Sam's for huge blocks of cheese and let this baby take over.

I wonder if I'll smell like a pickle when I'm all done? It's questions like that running through my head convinces me I am anything BUT normal.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Yeah, I Sort Of Forgot To Mention...

that in the midst of all this fun family bonding I had going on, I sort of have a problem with reading their mail. Not entirely my fault. It just sort of comes with cleaning up people's crap.

Some may recall that I read those letters from both my Dad and my brother. Ah, my brother. A better manipulator I know not and missed his true calling as a con artist.

However, once he gets paroled he can embark on that adventure.

Golly, and Cruella has no other spawn to take over for her in the on going fight against the man.

Not me as I'm an orphan now.

While we were packing, I had to check their mail and gasp there was a letter from my brother. Now I haven't heard from him in a long time. I think it ended when I suggested I would race him to the exit knowing full well the prison guards wouldn't let him win therefore ensuring my victory.

I have issues - that's what makes me so much fun.

Anyhoo, since I have issues and I found myself yet again cleaning up crap that Cruella told me was none of my business, I read it. The jerk basically told her to push my buttons and exactly how to do it. Then to finish me off by throwing the love commandment in my face and saying I was out of God's will for my life. Wow. There are just no words to cover that one.

But the words he used totally freaked.me.out.

I was at peace with our decisions until I read his letter and then I started to question EVERYTHING. Let me tell you this did not make the Hubby happy. Matter of fact, he got right up in my face about it and had to remind me a few things. He was, of course, right.

Me, being me, still needed some more convincing because denial is more than a river in Egypt. Thankfully a few ladies stepped up to the plate and commenced with the slipper slapping and I was able to get a grip.

I used to like to get mail now it's sort of a whole new battle ground. And I was right, Hubby did read Cruella's letter and he did not disappoint. Dude used words that I never heard before and let me just say that is saying something. He truly dug deep into his trailer park roots to pull a few out.

At this point I'm still too mad to write anything to either one. Grandma called again and said that Howard wrote to HER asking her to tell me to call all over the place to get utilities shut off. It seems that he has forgotten that I can't shut anything off as my name isn't on any of it.

Thank God I made a mass exodus out of Egypt because there is something funky in the water for them to think that I'm going to do this.

I put whatever was taped to their door in an envelope and I put spawn of Cruella's letter into her envelope. I was surprised that he did get on her case that he understands that I'm a hassle but she needs to be careful not to have this attitude as I am, after all, her daughter.

Yup, that's me - a total hassle. What a rebel I turned out to be.

Bite me!

Hubby informed me that in a way I would be serving my folks. I stopped and looked at him. He was cackling at the whole irony of it all. I still hadn't put two and two together and asked what did he mean.

He said that what was taped to the door had no address on it or postage so they were being served with papers.

Crickets chirping

He said "since you put it in an envelope and are mailing it to them YOU are basically the one serving them with papers - from the IRS."

Aw man! I pulled a dirty and I didn't even know it.

But a tiny, itty, bitty, bit felt a bit bad about that.

I just helped the man.

I helped the creepy uncle get a few steps closer.

Now I feel like I need a shower.

But when I pictured the look on Cruella's face and all the ramifications of it, I fell on the floor laughing for a good 10 minutes!

I'm just glad I didn't opened up those letters! Last thing I need is mailman Bob banging on my door telling me I committed a federal offense.

If this keeps up I'm just going to have to refuse all the letters and just find out from my Grandma what will happen to them.

Now where is that copy of Annie? I need to work on my tryouts for adoption day.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Whatup My Peeps?

Robin gave me an award.

Jubilee gave me a peep o' the week.


Aww thanks! To be honest I have no idea why anyone reads this train wreck. I apparently break all the nice blogging educate out there, like don't talk about someone (oops) or making them look bad. Okay, I don't have to do anything for that to happen. Not to get mean about anyone (double oops) and general things of niceness that have always escaped me.

Well cwap.

Guess I'll have to settle for the Brittany Spears train wreck section of the blogworld. Buckle up ma peeps cuz this ain't yer momma's sewing circle!

Monday, July 28, 2008

OMGosh Y'all!

Right now my mind is a bowl full of mush. My friend who could blackmail me for the rest of my life was up for a visit. Luckily for me it goes both ways so I'm safe. That and she's from out of town so no one can bribe her. Her cute little boy hung out with the boys, while we gabbed away.

We had fun even though the house is trashed. Why is the house trashed?

Because we moved those stupid PFKP's stuff from their apartment.

And they have been harassing me through relatives. Who are these people and how did they get my phone number???

We got everything packed. The boys were actually awesome and didn't complain. The only thing I heard them protest over was when their Dad told them to empty out the formally known grandparents' underwear draw.

I didn't hear Hubby's comments but I heard, "What?? You want us to WHAT??"

I didn't think much of it and kept going only to hear, "Oh no! I don't think so!!!" Then nothing but silence. Shortly after that I hear CJ saying, "Grandma-mama's un-dee-wear (plop). More grandma-mama's un-dee-wear (plop). And here's some more grandma-mama's un-deeee-wear!"

Curiosity got the better of me so I had to go look. The Things were holding open a bag and CJ was throwing, yes throwing, the stuff in their general direction while they caught it with the bag.

Ohmygosh! And me without a camera.

Thing1 rolled his eyes and said, "you're going to blog this aren't you?"

Well, DUH!

The weekend could be summed up - We came, we saw, and we wanted to go home.

However, perseverance (and massive amounts of threats) won out in the end and we got it all packed, loaded and moved. I just hope Mr. Anonymous is still speaking to us. Since they had us over yesterday I think we are safe.

Bribery works, people.

Another OMG moment was when we went Friday night to finish packing there were envelopes taped to their door. When we pulled them off some of the tape ripped off the corner of the envelope on one and we peeked inside.

It's the beginning stages of new charges brought by the IRS. I'm starting to think the creepy uncle that no one likes to talk about has a thing for my parents.

And that is just wrong on so many levels.

However, I can't say as I'm surprised and only reinforces my feelings for the need to distance myself from them.

I was rather happy never to return to the apartment again because I had to STAND GUARD that night while Hubby loaded up our van and their car with tv, computers, etc. Lot of creepy looking guys just slowly walking up and down waiting for us not to be too close the vehicles.

I think if I would have blinked it would have been like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat. And I'm not joking.

When we came home last night there were several messages I think from every stinking person that claims to be related to me and a few that aren't all saying that Dad is swearing up and down he's going to go along with a lawyer and could we just please help AGAIN.

I ain't buying it.

And even if he does I still feel that it's a day late and a dollar short. But, and you knew there was one, everyone is telling me to hang on before I sell everything as they are going to court on the 14th of August.

Is is just me or the fact that that is their anniversary somewhat ironic?? Just moi?

Anyhoo, my Grandma says she thinks Dad has a good chance of getting out and please, please, just hang in there a few more weeks. Not happening. That whole tough love thing totally sucks.

And then I sobbed my head off that I seem to be stuck in a pit of ticks that want to suck the very life out of me. And then come back for the marrow and pick their teeth with my bones.

I was tired.

It was a very long weekend.

My house is trashed.

My bank account is a lot lighter.

I just finished a period and should not be held responsible for whatever emotions I may or may not have had.

Hubby dragged me off to bed where I feel asleep rather quickly but woke up when he realized he overslept.

Fudgecicles.

I'm now REALLY tired and now I'm REALLY crabby. And my boys have had this thing where they are playing the piano ALL THE LIVING TIME!! This is making my head do the mambo. And that's just sad - cuz I can't dance. I'm sure it's not helping that I'm bagging my head on the door to keep the rhythm.

And if that wasn't peachy enough Cruella sent a letter and Oh ma gosh the woman has no shame. Blah, blah, blah, do this and that for me. Demand, demand, pout and the guilt, guilt, guilt with a side of you owe me for good measure.

I can't wait to show Hubby this letter.

He will cock the eyebrow of disdain. He will do his best Elvis sneer and will probably throw in a snort to boot and say things I really shouldn't repeat.

But if you ask nicely I'll tell ya.

If you need me I'll be hiding in the closet eating from my bag o' chocolate with a pillow shoved in each ear.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Ba-Dum Bum!

I need time off...
I urgently needed a few days off work. But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.....
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?!" She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."


A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk. Broke some crockery, & puked in the hall when you stumbled into the door".
Confused, the man asked "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bed and when she tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED . . . !"

Moral Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "


AND THEN THE FIGHT BEGINS

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were along side the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started....

Have a good weekend y'all.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Now That's Just Low

First off, I want to thank everyone for the prayers, the kind words and the encouragement. I so wished I would have had this 4 years ago!

Preach it ladies!! Right now it's not hard to take the tough love stance it's down the road is when the real battle will begin. I might need to be slipper slapped.

What is truly low is I think my Dad is playing my grandma. They make you pay for your clothes like underwear and he needs money. She called last night and said Dad is afraid of my Mom and that he took a lawyer and Mom got mad and he wants to do the right thing.

However THEY need some money for clothes. He's telling her what she wants to hear so she'll help them. I'm not fooled by it any more. He told her that they are going before a judge in 2 weeks and she was all excited saying he'll get out in two weeks. I had to keep telling her it wasn't going to happen.

She said she watches Judge Judy and Judge Brown (snort) and that she knows how these things work. Well mercy! How can one argue against that?? She said Dad said he's scared of Mom and that he wants to do the right thing and so he should get out.

No, he's not scared of her. I read the letters and he went along with it in agreement. Last time they refused to get a lawyer so I'm not buying it that they would agree to one now. My cousin called the Federal Building and they are not getting out on bond (which is good) and that the judge will rule on how long they will have to serve based on what the parole officer says but there isn't a date at this time.

I say it's good because the last time they were on bond they didn't show up for their trial convinced they could file papers in D.C. to stop their case. So the cops came with guns out with me and the boys in our pjs asking all kinds of questions that I didn't have the answers to. Suddenly things I had always done (and are legal) turned into illegal because they were fugitives. I was arrested and spent 5 days in jail. I wasn't charged but they kept me on a tight leash for 4 months before dropping the whole thing - against me.

God was with me the whole time. Matter of fact, I could identify even more with Jesus because they came for him at night and He was taken away from the people He loved too. However, it has been hard not to be bitter about the whole thing. I can say that is something I've worked hard to let go which hasn't been easy as both my parents refuse to apologize over it.

Not to mention I am the whitest chick out there - don't smoke, don't chew, don't hang with those that do - never broke curfew, always did what I was told to do, sitting in a jail cell and everyone of them said you don't belong here. Ya think?

But I had a panic attack Monday when I went to go their apartment. I had to talk myself through it that they were in custody so nothing I was doing was wrong and no the cops weren't going to come after me for going to their apartment.

I've wondered if the decision to cut off my parents was motivated by anger. Will I cave farther down the road? I told my Husband I know he's right and I'm with him now he's going to have to drag me through it because I have no idea how to do this. My natural instinct, as I was raised, is to just reach out and help.

I felt a lot of peace when I kept saying I have to cut them out of my life. Didn't I just blog about not knowing how to cut them out? Yet, the answer is here. Kerri, you've said it - can't keep fixing them.

They knew it was coming. They told me a few months ago that they wanted me to have a key to the apartment "just in case" and Mom just said two weeks ago she doesn't care if she goes back she's not giving up.

And they keep saying God is telling them to do this. That's what freaks me out. If they can get suckered who's to say anyone can't?

I talked to my cousin quite a bit last night and this morning. She said grandma was all teary eyed because she's getting it that he's not going to come right back out like she thought.

I'm not going to pieces (like last time). I'll do better once I know the apartment is cleared out and then the rest is on them. Part of me keeps thinking I should write a letter explaining where I'm coming from and the why but sadly I don't think they would care or hear what I'm trying to say.

My MIL sent me a joke that we should treat life like a puppy does - if you can't eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Snarklefarts

Yeah, it's not really a word but I'll come up with some definition for it eventually.

Yesterday was just really not fun. I woke up early to discover - I started my period. Houston we have a problem.

I didn't get a phone call. Instead I got a letter from Cruella. Says she knows I'm mad but I need to get over it and she knows I don't want to help but they have no one else.

Houston we are now on course for a crash and burn.

It's moments like this I'm kind of grateful for those bars she's behind.

They are going to court today. I'm just hoping I will know if they are coming out or staying put. My gut says they are staying put. Logic will say they are going away. Parole violation, possibly new charges as they would refuse to check in with the guy like they were required to, not to mention all the new stuff they filed. But there is that little bit that just hopes.

Hopes this is a mistake, hopes they would wake up and do the right thing, hopes that for once they would see how their actions are causing so much pain to other people.

But that's usually when reality does the happy Gilmore kick to the head and says wake up. It is reality after all. Brutal little twerp.

I went to where my Dad works and had to explain the situation and told them we would be moving his car within the next two days and said I would call to let them know if he will still be working there or not all while they nodded their heads and looked at me like I was a freak. I went to the apartment and had to explain to them while the whole office gawked at me that this just isn't the norm.

It was so humiliating to have to explain that my parents are stupid. And the fact that this isn't the first time I've had to do this just gets me going.

I opened the door to their apartment and that's when it hit me. I looked at everything that needs to be done and I just locked up. My Husband said it's the weirdest thing in the world. I sound like a cheetah on crack. The amount of words and the speed that they come tumbling out is truly mind-numbing but then emotion straggles my vocal cords so it sounds really weird.

Cheetah on crack - he's running full tilt but sideways. Now that's a visual image!

I got a hold of Hubby and he told me to start grabbing stuff and load up the back of the van. I completely blanked out. I walked through their apartment in full cheetah speak and got so overwhelmed I only grabbed a few things.

I've spent months crawling out of the pit of despair. With every step forward there is a whisper that will blow across my mind telling me I'm not really getting better that I'm not really crawling out of the abyss.

There are times when I'm in a clearing and I can see how far I've come but can see how far I need to go. Every now and then the pit will call out, as I've joked, that it's running a discount of free breakfast with room and if I act now I'll have a view.

Most days I can blow it off and still work on the climb. And while standing in another place my folks left behind I had all the same feelings crashing through my head that here I am - AGAIN. That I didn't really crawl out that I was just fooling myself.

Apparently, part of my taste of freedom was picturing my parents at their apartment being normal then when I pictured them in prison. That no matter how much of a pain I still had some comfort knowing they were safe in that apartment.

The fact that they are probably going back to prison was a major punch to that comfort. I didn't see that punch coming and I must say it hit so hard and fast that I found myself dangling over the edge of despair real darn quick.

When I see what needs to be done the pit will say to take a swan dive off the cliffs of insanity and that second time is a charm. Metaphorically speaking.

The kicker of it all is everything we did feels like it was for nothing. When I went in to where Dad works I thought of all the times I drove out there to help him job hunt, to help fix the bike, get clothes for him - all of it was for nothing.

And Cruella says she knows I'm mad.

I have to chuckle because God is still calling after me. When I finally opened up this weeks bible stuff it is on saying goodbye. Hint!

I asked Hubby if my folks were an idol for me and he said no, they were a security blanket for me. Security has been an idol for me. I've been convinced that I can't be happy unless...

I've wanted insurance for everything and we don't. I want money in the bank just in case and we don't. I want back up plans for the normal plans and I want emergency back up plans for the back up plans. Instead we are flying by the seat of our pants. I want to be so prepared for anything that may or may not happen so that I'm not thrown for a loop when anything does happen.

Guess what? You can't plan for when your folks swan dive off the normal cliff landing in a sea of stupid and then want you to hop in cuz the water feels great.

When realizing that security, or lack there of, as been some of my angst I was reminded of when the twins were babies. Hubby had not one but two diaper bags all packed for anything they could throw at us. However it was so full that it didn't take long before the straps on those things would snap off.

If I'm so loaded down with everything I think I might need in life I don't think I would be able to lift it let alone take a walk with it.

Dagnabbit.

That reality is really a hateful thing.

The fact is this totally sucks, the truth is I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I keep telling God I don't want to do this. I don't want to face this especially on a period as I should just be locked up and fed chocolate NOT dealing with people or PFKP's stuff. But oddly enough all of us are feeling a peace.

I know I have to cut off all ties to them. I know I have to do the tough love thing. I've been getting the hint for weeks. Honestly it's not hard to kick someone to the curb who is locked up it's when they get out is going to be the hard part.

But then I wonder if I shouldn't just turn the other cheek and walk in love and put up with it some more. I read some where that tough love IS walking in love. That a child will never learn to walk if they are carried all the time.

I can see how my family has reinforced a lot of negative things that have been floating in my head. I had to cut my brother out completely. Cruella has spewed many a hateful thing over that decision. Wonder how long it will take her to figure out her butt is on the chopping block?

I thought I would go to pieces about my Dad. Dad and I were very close but ever since here and here it just hasn't been the same. Actually Hubby said it was there all along I just became aware of the truth.

Funny. Now hand over the chocolate or I'll rip your nose off was my reply. It's amazing as I think he now carries chocolate on his person just to keep himself safe at all times.

Either tonight or tomorrow night we're going over to do the world's fastest and possibly the worst packing job known to man and move the stupid car that now gets to hang out in our back yard until we find out what's going on. I just keep telling myself to get through this move and then I'm done - for now.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Bats and Bling

Hubby pulled a good one. Upon hearing about the stupid people we are dubbing PFKP - People Formally Known as Parents maybe that should be PFKAP, he said we were still going on our date.

Dude went and got tickets to see the new Batman movie on the way home from work Friday and let me just say it was good!! Ledger honestly deserves any award they give out. He kept the character chaotic and intelligent but silly by the way he talked. Didn't disappoint.

It was a very nice distraction from what is looking like a crappy week.

And Shellie gave me some blog bling a few days ago. So sorry I haven't had it up sooner.

I'm to pass this along to several people. I would have to say that since the requirement is several people I'm passing it along to anyone that wants it - especially Robin. Her family recently came back from a trip from Romania and she's blogged about her struggles before going and upon returning. So many people talk about getting out of the boat - she actually did it.

I'm also passing this one along to Fuschia. I have the perfect accessory as girl needs some pink bling and this is pretty fitting for her as well. So my dear grab this one.


Thanks for all your kind words and encouragement. Still no word from my parents. I'm just praying we will have a definite answer tomorrow on what is going to happen.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Look Out - I'm Pissed Off!

There is just no way to explain all the irritation I am feeling right now towards my folks. I've written many a post whining complaining sorting out my issues about them. If you're new here then to slightly sum up some of the angst with them here and here would be the light reading.

The rest of you know the score and I'm sure some of you feel this is a boring subject get over it already.

Well guess what? My folks got arrested - AGAIN!

Why? Because they were suppose to send in once a month a financial statement. They have been doing this since they have been released from prison nut Mom said they filed something so therefore didn't have to do it anymore.

And my Dad went along with this insanity - AGAIN.

They didn't call me for some odd reason. I think they picked up I would have gone off yelling at them at how stupid they are - just what every jailbird wants to hear. I won't know anything more until Monday.

Although I'm thinking this would be a parole violation so therefore it's just on to sentencing, do not pass go, do not collect $200, would be my understanding. Which means I'm left holding the bag - AGAIN.

The thing that keeps going through my head is what if I would have let my kids stayed with them and this happened?? I asked the boys if they know the home phone number and they didn't! They knew my cell phone number (that we just recently shut off) so they would have been high and dry. This has cause me some major mommy guilt.

My stupidity reached a new level on that one. Yikes!


Luckily my cousin's husband was in the area and he already talked to the apartment complex and where Dad works. His car is where he works and I guess another set of keys are at the apartment but there is no hurry to move it so I can wait to see what will happen Monday.

Now this is where it's going to get ugly. My Husband has put up with more crap than any other person would have. He packed their stuff, moved it, and then moved it into an apartment for them. My folks have treated him like crap and has talked about him behind his back on how it's about time as he owed them.

Needless to say dude has lost that loving feeling. They are gone, gone, gone - never to return. He has said if they are so stupid to get arrested again then he's not going to lift a finger to help - period.

Me, being me, can not just sit here and not do anything. I know me. I will have to try and rescue as much as I possibly can. This is not going to go well. He's right, of course, but this is still me.

Who will twist with guilt and angst.

Knowing this is on my horizon really, really pisses me off. Right now I'm done with my Mom. All I can do is pray that my Dad will come to his senses but it might be too late. I'm not mad at God in any shape or form. And to be honest I can't even pray for them other than keep them save, Lord. But that whole walking in love thing? Mercy!

Is it wrong that I'm already resigned to the fact that they are going back? There just isn't much hope there and I just feel like yet again I have to clean up their garbage - AGAIN.

I know I'm going to have to walk in tough love. I already know if they go back to prison no matter how much they fuss I am not going to be able to save all their stuff again. Saving it last time didn't do a dag bit of good.

Dagnabbit. This sucks! When my Dad got out he kept saying that family matter to him and he wanted to spend more time with the grandkids. So how does this fit into that plan? And I have a Mom who is insisting on throwing her life away.

I can honestly say I'm a lot stronger this time around as I'm not going to pieces I'm just irritated right now. I was worried about the boys' reaction and the Things weren't surprised at all. Both of them kept saying this is the consequences of their actions and they even had an opportunity to fix it and they still refused. They both said that God will give us a chance to repent and if we refuse then so be it.

I think they have that tough love thing down better than me.

I asked them how would they feel moving the stuff again and they said no. They said they could understand if I were to take some things but told me that I should not feel the need to protect my parents from their bad choices at to let it go.

Who are these kids anyway?

CJ said, "Yikes and I wanted to stay with them??" He gave me a hug and thanked me for keeping him safe.

Sigh

Right now I think I'm going to drill our home phone number into the kids. That one bothered me! I used to have my cell with me everywhere so figured that was all they would need and it was easy to remember. Well there went that well laid plan. Ugh.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Omg - I'm A Total Wuss

Y'all still out there? I haven't posted for a few. I really have a good reason. I was reading a book. However, I couldn't read this book at night as it freaked me out.

Hubby is a huge Ted Dekker fan. I'm still so-so. Some of his books are brilliant and others are just plain out there. It's all fiction - Christian fiction - but it makes you think. I know that might come as a shock to some people to picture me thinking.

It's what we call ironic.

I love me good suspense story. However, I am a total wuss. I have embraced this wussiness about myself years ago. I just do not watch certain movies and when things get too intense I just look away or hold my hands over my eyes while saying ick, ick, ick.

My whole family has picked on me for this for years. My brother use to get mad about my wussiness. My Mom has told me many a time to suck it up and get over it. Oh it's bad. Like I said this was family fodder for years.

When I was 14 my Mom took me to see an OB/GYN as she was convinced I had hormone issues. I was just sprouting my Cruella teeth and I think I scared the living daylights out of the woman. That tends to happen when you look in a mirror and don't like what you see.

She made them run lots of tests on me to reassure herself I wasn't the devil. Which is hilarious cuz my brother already had that title. Ahem!

On one visit, the woman doc decided to explain how it all works and I passed out cold. When I came to, my Mom was standing over me yelling at me to get a grip. She must have thought I was sleeping and if she just hit her frequency I would have a nervous reaction and come to. Her frequencies were legendary.

When we left the office my Mom chewed me a new one as she was so embarrassed and I can say I was feeling it myself. Nothing like having a reputation - at a OB/GYN's office - at the tender age of 14.

Good thing I wasn't suicidal.

If only I could go back 20 years and tell myself to really put some sass in that Cruella tude, I think these last few years would have been worth while as some parental revenge.

So if I couldn't handle hearing about a woman's cycle at the age of 14 there was just no stinking way I was going to watch horror movies and the like. This, of course, made my brother furious or maybe it was because I ratted him out any time he would sneak one into the house. It's all a blur. Hopefully he'll forget before he's paroled.

And all of that was way more information than what you wanted to know.

Back to whatever point I was trying to make.

We have an old house and shortly after we moved in there was a new Ted Dekker book and hey Frank Peretti co-authored it so added bonus. The book was this...


I could not read this at night! Old house with sounds that were all new to me. I got so freaked out that I would only read it during the safety of daylight much to my Husbands amusement.

This book was weird. It was walk slowly towards creepy door, shaky hand goes for the door knob even though you keep telling the character not to. They open it up and AAAHHH!

Not my cup of tea but hey once I start it I have to finish it.

A few months ago gasp new book. We have a rule, let the Hubs read it first cause he reads a lot faster than me and he will bug me until I want to beat him with the book. So for peace and harmony dude gets first crack at it. I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to go at it until this week.

OMG! Doesn't it just look creepy? Well, guess what? It really IS creepy!! It wasn't jump out and scare you it was this is evil and evil is scary.

This one dealt with spiritual/demon possession. And man does it make you think. The first night I was reading this I had hairs break dancing on my neck. I had to stop and pray for a while. I'm not a newbie on the matter so for me to react that way caught me off guard.

First off, there was a lot of medical jargon that made me a bit queasy and then when you throw in the demon possession it just made for an all out nasty experience for me.

So back to only reading it during the day and back to the amused look that sort of annoys me, okay really annoys me. I kept pestering Hubby for details that he claimed he couldn't remember. It was hard to put down, but these people kept expecting me to feed them.

At the end of the book there was a conversation with Ted Dekker, the author, and John Eldredge on the whole subject of demon possession. Their conversation was very interesting and insightful. What was interesting is that they said, "There is something in human nature that just doesn't want to face the reality that we live in two worlds."

No kidding!

They discussed the dangers of ignorance - ignorance of not know we are under attack and what our enemy really looks like. They said there are three levels that the enemy works at. "First the enemy tries to fool you into passivity, through ignorance, then he tries to intimidate you. And the third level is he tries to cute a deal."

There is a difference in possession and oppression. I've lived through it and I've seen it - lot of oppressed people out there and watch the news there are possessed people too.

They stressed, "No more passivity, my friends. You need to rise up and you apply the victory of Jesus Christ in your situation and then suddenly you'll see, wow it does work."

They did not say demon under every bush but they did say judge the fruit of everything especially thoughts. Now that's a new one for me - judge the fruit of thoughts? Where does thinking like this lead to or where did that thought come from?

Geez, lines right back up with the Genesis question of who are we listening to?

I asked Hubby if it bothered him reading it and he said no. He's been there, done that and it doesn't scare him. That is something that does bother me is how much fear I seem to fight. There is caution and then there is fear. What is the fruit of that fear? It's the opposite of faith. Not something I want to be doing.

Interesting stuff to say the least.

Now I just need to wean myself off the nightlight. Sheesh!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Oh!

I think you almost have to say OH! after each one. *snort*

ONE LINERS...

1 .. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2 .. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
16.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
21 .. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
22 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
23.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.


MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up; our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.



CLASSIFIED ADS

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FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.



All together now - OH!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Dilemma

I get a phone call this morning from my Dad. In a British accent, he asks if this is the party to whom he is speaking.

Which I said it depends on the party he was wishing to speak to.

For some odd reason people say I make sense after they meet him. Go figure.

I got a very short version of reunion and as a bonus feature got all caught up with his side of family's news. That took a whooping 3 minutes and it took that long cuz Mom kept interrupting him.

He then gives me a dilemma. They want the boys to come stay with them for 2-4 days. Now any normal parent would have a knee jerk response of heck ya when do you want them?? All with excitement oozing out the ears. The normal children would pick up on excitement and would get into the normal children's song of we're going to Grandma's house to get loaded up on crack sugar.

Something did ooze out of my ears from my thoughts but is wasn't excitement - I think it might of been more like excrement. And golly gee my kids did pick up on that and it wasn't a happy dance.

I am writing down all the promises they have proposed to get out of going. I didn't even say anything but suddenly promises of good behavior and a clean toy room are raining down on me like manna from heaven.

Yes, I'm enjoying every nano second of their torture. Why do you ask?


Back to the phone conversation, before the kids picked up that something was going down, I tried to gently give a few reasons why I didn't think this would work. But the man kept coming right back at me on his reasons why they should.

Clearly I am up against a Jedi master is the art of BS.


Cruella is much easier to deal with - bring your weapon of choice and let's get it on. Howard the coward is really nice. Seriously. There is no way not to like him. He's very friendly, very funny and makes me look a little slow on the uptake.

To say no to him is like kicking a puppy - it may have been necessary but you still feel bad for doing it.


So there I was just shooing puppy away so I didn't have to do a happy Gilmore kick to the head as I try to save those for Cruella. Dude was all over me saying how he hasn't seen the boys a whole lot, and since he's working two jobs that he's always tired and not able to drive to where we are etc. And I don't ever bother to come see them.

Not only is he skilled in the Jedi arts of BS but he has the guilt factor of a master.

And I wonder why I've had issues my whole life??

My Mom threw in that they could come one at a time if they would like a break from each other. Now that's just cruel. Dangle out sole attention of 1 1/2 adults (I'm not sure which is the half. Maybe they both are so that would make 1 between the two of them, hmm.)


I said I would talk it over with the clan and get back to them. By this time the boys were hovering asking me twenty questions. I gave them the lowdown and that's when promises of good behavior was delivered up mighty quick.

I knew they wouldn't want to go. Thing2 even said he knows that he forgave her but doesn't think he's strong enough yet to hang on to that forgiveness if he has to spend a few days with his grandma.

How do you reason with that?

Then Thing1 added that Grandma would shank them the first chance she got.

Honestly, I don't know where the child gets it from. Oh wait, people who know me read this. Yeah, okay, scratch that.

What did surprise me was Curious J's response. He wants to go - alone. I think he was blown back with the sudden airflow that myself and the Things created when we turned our heads and asked are you nuts?!


I asked why. He said he wants to tell Grandma what he thinks and that if it's just him she'll listen. He said she's always mad whenever adults are around so she'll have to listen to him.

Hmm, the force is strong with this one but he doesn't see what he is up against.

Thing2 quickly reminded him of all his attempts but CJ is still holding firm. He thinks he can change her mind AND he wants a break from all of us.

Well snap!


I told him we would have to see what their Dad had to say and I left it at that. The dilemma is once upon a time they were normal grandparents and I had no problem if my Dad took the kids or if my Mom watched them when they were younger.

Now?

Most of you know the score and I can almost hear my Internet peeps screaming for the love of Pete just say NO!


Dad even made the comment that I (all blame on me) didn't use to have a problem letting them watch the kids. And I need to have a break and get my priorities straight.

I don't suppose entering into the witness protection program would be an option so what priorities do I need to get straight?


Sunday's sermon - its about people. Not things, stuff, status etc. But relationships. Does anyone have a bible that has some clauses in them? Guidelines, rules or what is considered a foul and therefore you won't burn in hell if thou sayeth nay? Anyone?

I'm frustrated. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of listening to I'm the one to blame for our sudden departure of normalville. I thought prison would have been that clue but I was wrong. But when I'm reminded of what we use to be, I get mad at them all over again. And I'm tired of being mad.

I get paranoid about how the boys will react to us when they are older. Are they going to kick us to the curb? Are we sowing some nasty seeds or are we protecting them?

Lately, I find myself in the middle of everyone's angst and then those Cruella tendencies want to kick in. I am half Cruella, after all, and let me tell you the darkside has a strong pull sometimes.


Go ahead - try some dark chocolate and lets see how well you resist. I dare you!

I told the boys my answer would be no. CJ is really pushing hard to go. I feel bad cuz sometimes its like he's in The Twins' shadow and that he just gets leftovers. It doesn't help that my Dad said the exact.same.thing.

Wow. My family will not only give me reasons to feel guilty but they'll even point out a few that I missed.

I hate being forced to make decisions like this. My in-laws asked if the boys could come stay a week with them. I couldn't stop laughing and they got the hint never to ask again. My parents don't take hints, direct orders, directions, and/or subtle suggestions. I hate being forced to point out the obvious.

I pulled out my notes on the Boundary book and it said if you have someone that refuses to respect your boundaries then the relationship needs to end. I have no idea how to do this because hello? those are my parents.

And I think she would shank us if I tried.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Eye C U


This is my curious little monkey.


My brain has been empty all weekend long. Nothing in my noggin. So I grabbed my camera and said how about I take your picture?

The Things were not amused.

Much angst could be heard.

Major threats were given.

So this is what I got.

Thing2 is in blue and Thing1 is in green. They've done this since they were 4!


I had to promise major sugar treats to get a decent smile out of them.

As you can see that worked.

However, CJ got in the middle and they did this.

Can ya tell Thing1 was getting into this a tad bit?

Those are my kiddos. They've caused my brain to leak out of my ear. Off to make good on my promise. Hopefully I'll find something snarky to blog about in the pantry.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Drop Kick Me Through The Goal Posts of Life

Have you ever had the time where God will just flood you with stuff? I mean, I open my bible and something jumps out. Oh how interesting. I then catch something on the radio, read a blog, read an article in a magazine, and/or flipping through the channels and all of it will hop out and say "Yo! Listen up!"

Just me, huh?

What is really cool is when things will stagger. I'll just finish a book or devotional and then the very next thing I pick up or listen to goes right along with it.

Of course, there are times when all of that happens and I still cry God where are You?? Why can't I hear You? Are You listening? You're playing cards aren't You?

I wonder if there is solitaire in heaven.

If there is would God win all the time?

Sorry. Bunny trail. I some times lose focus. Okay, a lot. But that's neither here nor there.

Where was I? Oh yeah, getting slipper slapped - but oddly in a good way. We are doing a bible study with this book.And can I just tell ya, it's been pulling back the curtains on some things. If that wasn't interesting enough I'll come across several things that goes right along side it.

I think this week has been showing me just how much I haven't been believing God's word. I've gone through some rough stuff and I've noticed my Thomas attitude - if I can't see I don't believe it.

Again, when did this slip in??

I heard an interesting comment this week - we need to answer the Genesis question. Adam and Eve didn't want to come out to see God and when they said we were naked God asked 'who told you that?'

Who have I been listening to? Because if I'm believing what God says then why am I acting the way that I am?

Uh-oh.

I can easily list off all my negative stuff - from physical appearance to habits to thought patterns and everything in between but what I never thought of was that is not what God says about me.

I had to roll that one around in my head for a while.

While kicking that around, I quickly found out that I didn't believe a lot of things I claimed to believe in. And that's when I felt myself flying through the goal post. Duh!

I can almost picture an angelic commentator - "here we go folks, after years of having the Word in her life and in her face she looks like, wait. Yes, she looks like a light bulb has finally gone off above her head. There it is! The realization of what was right in front of her finally sunk in. The angels that are assigned to her, cuz you know she's "special" are all sighing with relief. Here it comes! He kicks, she sails, and SCORE!!"

Okay, so I don't watch sports and that fell flat. But it does say that we have all of heaven cheering us on so it could sound like that.

Or not.

So I've been doing some spiritual weeding. Did not realize how many functional gods were floating around. I thought I was low maintenance but I can see a lot of things I've been using to keep me 'fixed'.

Which I chuckle cuz Joyce's series on rejection was talking about keeping one's self fixed on things not of God.

I was telling my friend I was sort of complaining to God that I didn't think I was a very good writer (or anything for that matter). Her response was the same as God's only God put a bit more snap to it.

During prayer, I was interrupting a solitaire game so God cut to the chase and asked why I didn't think I was good at anything. Before I could answer He beat me to it and it came down like this.

"So what you're saying is if you don't get a lot of comments or pats on the backs or the nod of approval for all you do then you don't feel like you're any good, is that it?" asked God.

"Wow, I wouldn't quite phrase it like that." I stammered.

"Really? I thought that was being PC. I could have just said you're being envious of things you are imagining. You want acceptance, you're afraid of being rejected so you go to great lengths to try and keep from experiencing it yet you are desperate for people to get you."

"Ow."

"It's not to say bad you. It's to show you this is what's going on, now we can move along. You are craving approval. When will you get it that you already have Mine?"

"But I'm in situations where all I hear is bad me."

"Who have you been talking to? I don't say that about you. I say you are more than a conqueror..."

"I stay at home and make a casserole." I whined.

"How many times do you need to be reassured of this?"

"Seventy times seven?" I sheepishly ask.

"You know you are doing what you are suppose to be doing."

"But the whole skill thing? I don't see being a mom as a skill. We have children and we do the best we can so how is that a skill? Homeschooling? I don't know what a participle is and why does it dangle? Dinner? I have created - a casserole that someone always turns their noses up at and complains."

"Do you know how many kids out there right now that would love to have a mom like you? Would love to eat and could care less about what it is?"

"Oh no. You're going to play the starving children thing on me to get me to eat my veggies, aren't You?"

Chuckling, "I thought I would give it a try although it didn't work for your Mom."

"Oh You had to bring her up."

"Well now that you addressed it - why do you let her words have more of an impact on you than My words?"

"Oh my, look at time."

"Remember, you have My Word. What I say matters."

"Okay, right now - with it just You and me - I get that. But how do I keep my focus on that when things are staring me in the face and I have this track record that says differently?"

"...but one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. Phil 3:13"

I repeated all of this to my Hubby and he sort of snorted at me. He said I'm funny, I will always be funny and some of the stuff I come up with is a riot. He also said I seem to have some sort of blogging addiction and thinks I need professional help.

If he only knew. (evil cackle)

So what about y'all? Who are you listening to?

Figure it out quick or you may find yourself floating through the air like me. I've just landed - face first - into the end zone with my butt up over my head. I think maybe, just maybe, I need to work on believe what God says for once.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Want Some Cheese With That?



WAL-MART WINE....

Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2008, it will begin offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price - in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine.' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.



GIVING UP WINE...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. 'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Ba-dum-bum!