Saturday, August 30, 2008

The Annual Wringing of The Hands

This happens to me every year.

My mind starts to race, my hands sweat. Not to mention the big ginormous cloud of worry that rolls in right about this time. Actually, it starts the beginning of August but by this time is has a pulse.

What has my overactive little brain come up with now, you ask?

It's the whole homeschooling thing. When do you start?? I've noticed that the earlier we start the better the school year. Because I seem to start big and then run out of steam.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, it's already Labor Day weekend which means gasp! it's going to be September before we start!! (wrings hands while hopping up and down) I already feel like I'm behind and if I don't feel ahead of the game then I start to panic because who wants to be on constant HURRY IT UP ALREADY! mode?

I already feel that way most of the time as it is. I think there is some genetic predisposition to always being late. Absent minded is so a genetic flaw. I'll bet studies would show I'm more happy because I forgot what is was I was suppose to be doing in the first place.

Well, that's not true. I sort of know what I'm suppose to be doing. It's called the list and it follows me everywhere. I sometimes have to use mighty strength to ignore the list just to concentrate on little things.

Homeschooling isn't for the faint of heart. It's for the people God had a sick sense of humor to say, "You, yes you, shall keep thy spawn and try to teach them something so they may go forth and be productive peoples while still clinging to the bible.
Yeah, though you shall tread through the valley of the shadow of curriculum, you shall fear no paper cuts as you thumb through the phonebook size curriculum catalog.
Your spawn is commanded to go forth and be productive otherwise all will say you, still talking to you, have screwed up your spawn and are to blame for every bad thing" - like global warming.

No pressure.

Really. It's not like I don't ask myself 2 or 77 times a minute if I'm doing the right thing.

Is it a bad sign when you hear God let out a sigh before he says yes for the 77th time? Really? Cwap.

Much of my angst is I have zero confidence in myself. To this day I can't figure out affect and effect. I can look at a map and tell you almost all the states but no clue what the capital is AND I DON'T CARE TO KNOW!

Honestly, has anyone gotten a job because they knew 5 more State capitals than the next person?

I don't know what my problem is but all those rules of English have been jumbled. It was suggested that I should use a semicolon once in a while in some of my run-on sentences. Really? People use those? What is it anyway? A wannabe colon which just sounds like a crappy thing to want to be. Why not go for the full colon or was the position already filled? It's like a comma with an attitude. I thought semicolons where just used to make the winking smiling face ;) like so. Who knew there was a function for a semicolon?

That was a rhetorical question (means don't answer that). At least I knew that one.

Yes, this is how my mind works. Starting to feel sorry for my children, aren't you? Do you know how many times I've thought we're doomed only to smack myself and say that is a bad confession so knock it off? A lot!

This last year - sucked big time. I wanted to quit. I was tired of the attitude from the older two boys. The youngest usually got overlooked because by the time I was done dealing with them I wanted to crawl into the closet, rock back and forth while I tried to find a happy place.

Not to mention all the drama from my momma.

Matter of fact, I tried to spend last year convincing God why this was a bad plan and He needed to come up with a plan B, or C, or even a D - those are passing grades, right?

Got a big fat N-O from God and told to persevere as it develops character. I did point out that I was already a character which He said not that type of character.

I really wish the bible would be more specific sometimes.

I'm still not all that gung-ho for this year. This is the 8th year I've been doing this! I don't know if I deserve a medal or if I'm mental.

So add to the list of HURRY IT UP ALREADY of HEY YOU'RE BEHIND to LOOK AT THE DATE. Is it any wonder why there is much wringing of the hands going on?

And what parent doesn't feel the pressure? If junior doesn't do x, y, or z then clearly you failed. I wonder what x, y, and z is anyway?

My goal is to get them to be independent and to think for themselves. This last year I saw that goal collide with how I thought things should go. I've had to back off on some things and that is not easy. I've had Thing1 tell me on more than one occasion I can't make him. I don't know if it was a spirit of Cruella that rose up and said, "I brought you in this world and I can take you out, bubba!"

I may need laying on of hands - either for him or for me - that is a toss up.

It's a weird thing to have your kid comply with everything to suddenly put the brakes on. I've had to learn a few things about boundaries - for myself, with my kids, as well as God's. Been interesting about respecting other's boundaries including God's. He told me no. Do I just say the same prayer but with extra feelings of major crying thrown in so then He can see that I'm really serious? Or do I accept the no as His will be done?

*Sigh*

It's rough stuff having your kid shift into the next stage. Fasten your seat belts because this may be a bumpy ride.

I wonder if God feels that way about us?

I got my NGJ (No Greater Joy) magazine in the mail today and holy smokes it talks about Cloistered Homeschooled Syndrome. "Briefly, it is the failure of the parents to understand, appreciate, and respect the individuality of their adult children." I immediately thought of my folks and thought good grief there is now a label for this behavior?

Wonder how long it will take for a drug company to come out with a pill for this? Side effects may include: burning, itching, swollen tongue, acute eye twitching, a burning sensation of wanting to control everything your child says, thinks, and/or forcing them to do it your way. Contact your doctor if those symptoms continue as you are taking this pill to help you curb that desire to control the ever-living snot out your child.

Wonder if I can slip it into Cruella's coffee mug?

Friday, August 29, 2008

Whoa Nellie

I know I whine and complain a lot - I'm consistent if nothing else.

Well, that's not true. I'm not consistent at all.

That's neither here nor there or part of this post.

Anyway, I was actually forced into some type of character development today. And let me tell you - I don't recommend it. It hurts and feels very unfair.

I was listening to a sermon. I think it was my cousin's pastor, not sure. I have read this passage so many times I thought absolutely nothing of it when he first read it. Ephesians 5:21 "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ."

Okay.

He then went on to say that the level we are submitted to one another is our level of reverence for Christ. If we have a you can't tell me what to do attitude then we don't revere Christ all that much.

Whoa! I had never thought of it that way.

He said we will submit to God-ordained authorities in our lives to the degree that we are controlled by the Holy Spirit. If we have a problem with submission than we have a problem with being filled by the Spirit.

The very next verse was wives be submissive to your husbands. I thought of my Mom immediately. I can see how her refusal to submit to anyone has caused a lot of harm.

The whole wives submit to your husbands reminds me of the book Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. One of the lies was believing if your husband doesn't just jump in and git 'r' done than you need to do it. Wrong-o! I grew up watching a strong woman run most of the show. She got her lead from Dad but ran with it.

After reading that I was very convicted. I had seen in my own marriage how it was out of balance. I chose to let go of things and said I'm sorry for trying to lead and not agreeing with him. Instead of saying what I wanted to say, I ended up saying I was sorry for being impatient and rather than wait for his decision I jumped the gun. It was a grit my teeth, hang onto the counter top beat my flesh to a pulp.

But I can say, looking back, by doing that I turned a corner and my marriage was better for it.


I was thinking about the message about how all authority is God given and if we chafe at it then we are not being filled with the Spirit as it said to in verse 18. It said if there is a problem with authority go back to God and ask Him. Is it sin, is it walking in disobedience? Find the root of it.

I know I'm not a child nor am I under my parent's authority anymore but as I was washing dishes this afternoon it hit me that I need to apologize to my folks for selling the stupid dishes. The dishes she found that looked similar to her sister's dishes. The sister she has an on-going competition of who can out do the other one.

Me, personally, I think I set her free from that bondage but she has yet to grasp that one.

I was arguing about it with God while I took my frustration out on an innocent cookie sheet. That baby has never been so clean in it's life! Hell hath no fury like a Joanna told to apologize for something she doesn't feel is her fault - at all.

I suppose I'll have to give a polar bear a hug for the whole global warming thing too while I'm at it.

I'm now starting to wonder if my sink is an altar as it seems like that is when things have been happening lately. I think I'll stop complaining about doing the mundane things in life now - that and stop washing dishes.

Bit miffed that He's telling me to extend the olive branch when I would like to use it as a switch to drive them away. My folks did show up like right when I was about to start cooking dinner. I tried to point this rudeness out to God but He was having none of it.

Dagnabbit.

To say the air between us was tense was an understatement. Dad was trying to put on a good face but was rather cool towards Hubs and myself. I threw something together and was dishing things up and was setting it out on the table when Mom walked in and said they already ate and went into another room.

This time I didn't mutter as I'm hip to her alien abilities.

Dad did eat a little bit of it and Mom just sat there while we ate. Thankfully the boys just ate in silence even though I caught a look that passed between the twins. I should say several looks. They haven't figured out that I know certain looks. They are convinced I can read their minds.

After a rather joyless dinner, the boys made a rather fast exit leaving the adults just looking at each other with not much to say. I can see that all of us want to say something but at the same time too tired to go there.

Feeling a rather big nudge, I said "since I have you both here I want to apologize for selling some of your things off. I can see that my motive was out of anger." Before I could finish both of them said they forgive me.

Music had entered the room, the clouds had rolled back to let a lone ray of sunshine burst through the dreariness that was hanging in the air. I noticed Mom did the slow blink with a sheen of tears in her eyes.

But rather than drop it and move on to some happy moment she wanted to make sure I truly knew her suffering as she said she found the cups and saucers that went with the plates. I have never seen these nor have I ever used the alleged cups and I was in high school when she bought the set. Hello? It's been a long time.

And because I can't help myself I said, "I bet they might like to buy those too."

I think I heard the music come to a screeching halt. That so killed her buzz. It was sort of funny but mean all at the same time. Hubby about swallowed his tongue to keep from laughing and went with choking so as not to comment.

"I'm not happy with how things have been played out." I continued. Nodding came from both of them as the music tried to come back on. "I can see that I should not have turned in the key to the apartment."

At this point they are both looking like bobble heads from all the nodding of agreement. The sheen of tears was back in her eyes and Dad was looking like it's about time.

Until.

Until I finished my sentence.

"I can see that I should have done what my husband had said to do, which was not a dang thing to help out."

Music came to a dead stop while the room looked a bit darker and momma had a dry eye.

"And to make sure we are clear. If you find that you are unable to meet the requirements and find yourself back in Club Fed, don't come crying to me. I can assure you that I will not pack, move, or store anything - again! Regardless what you guys choose to do or how you treat me, I have no right to react in the same manner. And for that I ask for forgiveness."

I looked at one to the other. I can see that their moment of victory did not go according to plan. They both said they forgive me and that was all they had to say.

Which does show my point that they are aliens cuz you would think the decent thing would be to own up to some of it and ask for forgiveness themselves, however, according to them, they have asked for it and I'm the one being hard hearted.

While I didn't have to grip the table and say it through gritted teeth it was there all the same. I made sure it did not come out in tone or even pull an Elvis sneer. No eyebrow arch of judgement or disdain was present.

So we were standing on holy ground as that is the only way to explain it.

Obviously God showed up, looked at who was in the room and saw who wasn't going to budge and who was - me. I wanted to say a whole list of things, but I can see the I-don't-get-it bubble is still in place. There are still walls - very tall walls on both sides.

As they were leaving Dad said that I could call once in a while. I said that we have been busy non-stop for the last few weeks and we are about ready to start school. He said he would like to get together and play some cards sometime.

Once they were gone Hubby looked at me and said he was rather surprised I did that. I said so was I. God is pretty persistent. He said he can tell it meant a lot to both of them but he was also glad that I said where and with whom I stand.

When we went to lock up the garage we noticed the box of ugly dishes was back in there. The vehicle didn't get moved yet which means nothing has changed one darn bit.

I can only wonder by being the first person to move how this will affect the relationship. A relationship I see as broken and beyond repair and to be honest I don't even want. I see deep trenches and I see that they will not change.

Besides what if Daddy Warbucks shows up any minute??


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Are You With Me?

For those of you stuck in boy land - am I the only one that feels this sudden urge to strangle a little green man?

Talking weird he does. Grammar he does butcher. Own much crap from this, we do.

I took the boys to see Star Wars Clone Wars last week. Looking back on last week I'm rather amazed I was able to pull it off. I think my reasoning was if it bit I could at least take a nap or find a happy place and zone out.

We own all the Star Wars movies. But that's not all! They even came out with two, count them TWO cartoon movies of Clone Wars. It took place between Star Wars 2 and 3 (no not the one with Luke and Han Solo technically speaking that would be 5 and 6).

Cartoon Network came out with them. We were able to find part 1 on DVD but that left us hanging.

Dirty rotten marketers.

For months, like a good mommy, I looked high and low for part 2 when we struck gold with even a squeal of excitement. When I saw a new Star Wars cartoon thing was coming out all I could think was someone needs to stop beating this dead horse. Granted it has been a well paying horse but dead all the same.

Oh let me tell you the ways of the force as I have been there.

When the boys were little and didn't know things, like reality, they have tried to force push me when I told them to go do something. If I wasn't so mad, it was hilarious to see the look of confusion as they tried to figure out why it wasn't working. But because I am all about the now moment, I took off after them and they ran like mad when they found out the force doesn’t work.

Matter of fact it only ticks me off. I’ve had all three of them try to force choke me, which did result in their immediate Jedi spanking. There was a debate that they thought I could take Yoda.

Mmm, thought they could out-whit the mom they did. Failed they have. Much suffering.

I'm still not sure how Hubby got out of seeing this one but all I can say is he owes me. It wasn’t bad but I thought it dragged a bit. And by dragged, I mean I was seriously thinking of putting the bucket of popcorn on my head and running around the theater saying "Catch me you won’t. Fail you will" with my own version of a Yoda cackle.

I had to find a happy place to stop myself.

In fairness it wasn’t bad. I’ve sat through and even own worse movies. I didn’t care for one bad guy. Jahba the hut (how do you even spell that) has an uncle that is rather odd. It did seem like they were ripping on flaming strange uncles. Not sure but someone out there should be offended.

The computer animation is really cool and in some of the battle scenes it reminded me of a video game. So they get kudos for that but again the story line feels like a very dead wookie.

At this point I find Anakin just totally annoying (the dude that turns into Darth Vader). Once you see the whole series you do feel bad for him as he was tricked. I still think him and Spiderman need to grow a pair.

And I'll leave it at that.

But the boys all like them and Thing2 is pretty tough with a light saber. Yeah, he's a Star Wars geek but so is his Dad. The guys have all watched all the super heroes movies which I must admit, as I was telling Jubilee, that has been hard to take.

Big wuss that I am, is living with 4 guys who can watch a scene where all the bad guys get pummeled into a bloody pulp and none of them are sitting there going ooo, ooo, oooh that's going to leave a mark! It's really bad when CJ gives me a look that says grow up.

God in His wisdom did not give us a girl because I don't think she would have survived!

Since Monday was a rotten day for all of us we took the boys to see the new Batman movie. The boys were so excited to go see this and CJ was bouncing a lot that I had to tell him several times to sit still. They, of course, loved it! We all liked it and it was fun to hear them talk about it on the way home.

Although the boys thought it was cool that we were stalked followed by a bat. I did not find the humor of this and wanted to run screaming the torture frequency. Then when we got home there was a bat by the door.

Me? Freaks out, wringing hands, telling it to shoo and was about to do some serious rebuking.
Boys? Convinced that Batman is trying to send them some message.
Yeah, don't go see anything with a bat in it for the next 20 years!
Ick, ick double ick.

When I asked if any part of the movie bothered them I got the look of 'are you kidding me?'
Okay. Boys that are able to handle things that I couldn't at their age - check.
Mom totally over protective because she's a wuss - check.
Endure much eye rolling from the testosterone clan - double check.

At least I don't have to watch some Barbie princess movie.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Oh My Aching....

Well my Interpeeps, I've crawled to my computer and am typing this while lying on the floor. Why would I do that, you ask? Because right now I need to be seriously medicated.

I discovered a few things over the last couple of days. One is you can't fix stupid and two is my parents are really aliens. They are living in some time warp bubble that makes it impossible for them to get anything.

I'll give a few examples.

My folks have been here every since the in-laws have left. (image serious eye twitching with that statement) No, not as in staying here but here taking their stuff. There has been something going on non-stop for the last few weeks. The last thing in the world I, or my spawn, wants to do is move some stupid crap that we have already done. Several times.

While they were loading the truck, my spawn was in hiding like the good little spawns were told to do. My cousin had asked where were the boys and would they help. Cruella butted in and said that they couldn’t be bothered to help their grandparents. I said it’s not that – they’ve moved all this junk more than once.

It was right there that I watched as my words went sailing through the air only to bounce off the I-don’t-get-it bubble hurtling far away from their ears.

Another bubble bounce came when Mom had her list out and said I need dishes. Kerri, you’re going to love this – thee dishes – she doesn’t want them now. After she threw a fit to have them she decided she doesn’t want them. And they now want to sell their bed (the one I tried to sell off).

First they have a melt down that I sold things now they want to sell it.

Make mental note to check eBay account to see if anyone has bought my parents yet.

She persisted saying she needed dishes and I kept trying to hand her the box of dishes. It went something like this...
Me: Here are the dishes.
C: Not those.
Me: Why not?
C: Those are ugly.
Me: Whatever. (Turns to walk away)
C: I need dishes.
Me: (Turns back around and stretches out arms) Then take these.
C: I don’t want those.
Me: Whatever.
C: Well, I’m really going to need dishes.
Me: Well it’s like this. Either you take the stupid box of dishes in my arms OR go buy some other dishes. Matter of fact, I noticed some dishes at the dollar store that you could go pick up.
C: You are such a grouch. What is your problem?
Me: You keep interrupting my adoption day.
C: You’re not funny.
Me: I don’t know. I’ve heard from many a source that I’m freaking hilarious.
C: Obviously those people don’t know you very well.
Me: Whatever.
C: Well, I really am going to need dishes.
Me: Are you on some medication I’m not aware of?
C: What is your problem now?
Me: What do you want? I have a box of dishes right here in front of your face but you keep saying no but then continue to say you need dishes. Yes! You are going to need some dishes.
C: (Sighs loudly) Fine I won’t say dishes again. (pause) But I’m going to need an iron and ironing board too.
Me: Try Wal-Mart.


This was my day yesterday. All brain matter had leaked out of my head and ran away crying I can't take it any more. Such a drama queen!

However, it crawled back into my head only to seek revenge because today I woke up with a hangover which makes no sense as I didn’t have anything to drink. At this rate I may change my mind.

We have been so busy that I haven’t had the time to get little things, like enough sleep, so my body throws a major hissy-fit. My head was doing the mambo, my eyes refused to open and when I did open them they said hell no and wouldn’t focus. I stumbled down the stairs to see if I could find some liquid energy to sucker them open when I noticed the phone was blinking with messages.

Odd. I didn’t remember the phone ringing.

I checked which was a good thing. A total of 5 messages all from my folks saying they were on their way and would be there in about 10 minutes.

Snarklefarts.

I screamed CODE RED which the boys know someone will be here at any moment so drop what you are doing, get dressed, and make sure the place is somewhat presentable.

The volume of my scream (the one that tortures bats) really made my head hurt but it at least worked on the eyeballs. And just because life can suck, I had started my period the night before.

And let me tell ya Hubby is not happy about that one! Call me a prude, but there is just no way I can get it on knowing that the in-laws ARE IN MY HOUSE! Life has been on full speed and while I do cervix (wink) my husband there just needs to be certain elements in place. Major one being no stinking in-laws in the next room!

Can I get a witness?!?

To say Hubby was gagging for it all weekend was an understatement. So after both of us having a rotten day Monday that was just the er, uh, cherry on top of no you still ain't getting any.

Hey, if I'm in the gutter might as well finish it.

Could the day get any better? Why no, it couldn’t.

Folks showed up wanting to make sure I was there. Once they found out I was there I then got chewed out for not answer the phone. Then they left to go back and get the truck. With my head pounding, I tried to wrap my brain around the fact that they reserved the truck but didn't drive it out to our place and now had to go back and get it.

And I’m the slow one?

My cousin and I were chatting while we waited. Turns out that my parents will be getting some sort of sentencing for their little "misunderstanding" that normal people call busted for disobedience. This will take place end of September. Cousin said Mom is worried about her stuff.

After I stopped banging my head against the wall from the stupidity of it all, I questioned my parents about it. They repeatedly reassured me that they weren’t going to get any more jail time. The paranoid in me kept saying how do you know this? This, of course, kept bouncing off the bubble.

Since I am the smart mouth person that I am, I started going off that they shouldn't be moving their junk when they might end up losing it anyway. Mom started the we wouldn't be in this mess if I hadn't turned in the keys and all my fault for making them move their junk blah, blah.

I replied of course it’s my fault - I was also responsible for global warming as I had bad gas one day but you don’t hear the polar bears complaining this much.

She was not amused.

All of us tried to get my folks to understand that holy crap we aren’t going to do this again. But that is a mighty strong bubble! Able to resist all forms of reasoning.

Now how do I beam them back to the mothership? Anyone?

They will be back later in the week as they are moving their vehicle out of our garage that has been there since we moved. Y’all should be proud of me. I had a few moments when I had to resist the urge to grab some things and hide them but I was able to resist all temptation and told the devil to take a hike.

Now why Mom thought I was referring to her I'm not clear on that one. Not sure how she heard me say if the horn fits then wear it since I mumbled it.

Must be some alien ability.

After the truck was packed Dad decided they have too much junk and decided they aren’t going to take everything after all. I did however slipped the box of dishes onto the truck because I'm spiteful like that. While I'm sure they will make their way back here I still got a chuckle picturing her face opening up that box.

I think I may need some prayer or a few sermons on forgiveness.

After listening to all the complaining about the price for a storage unit I suggested that they pay us for storage. Words just fail me to describe the look and the response to that comment. She did say that they can't trust us because we'll just sell things off.

If they only knew!

I did come clean and said that was our plan. I said we are tired that we can't use our own garage so if they are too stupid to stay out of jail then I might as well get some money out of all the hassle this stuff has caused.

Guess what they decided they are going to do? They're going to sell things off! It just made her mad to think I got money for something that was hers.

Was being the key phrase.

So after a long day I still have cramps, headaches, nasal leakage, eyes itching and was having gull bladder attacks. Thanks a mill for saying I was going to have digestive problems - now take it back!! I don't know if I should take allergy medicine, Midol, tums, or just beat my head repeatedly with a brick until I lose consciousness.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Guffaw - A Loud Burst of Laughter

If you get an invite like this you may want to skip it. Just saying... Click on imagine to see it bigger.


MAD WIFE DISEASE

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'
She replied... 'Your horse called.'


California vintners in the Napa Valley area, who produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as...

PINO MORE



S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile...

But FART!! just ONE time... And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

A Bit of This and A Bit of That

Well, I'm still in an up-right position so I guess I can say I survived the weekend. That is saying a lot! This is me so this will be long. Make sure you've had a potty break.

First off, thanks to everyone for the happy Anniversary wishes. I relayed this to Hubby and he sort of suggested that since more than 2 people actually read this blog I need to up my writing game. Little things, like catching the fact that I put advent instead of event really wasn't my best work. In my defense, it was rather late when I posted which he pointed out that I shouldn't do that anymore.

Bringing you the best quality of whining and complaining is now our concern.

Anyhoo, Thursday night we had yet another attack of the winged creature of the night. Stupid bats are suicidal around here! We had our side door open and this thing couldn't take the pressure of bat life decided to squeeze himself pass the screened door.

Since this did not end his life he decided to throw himself at me begging for mercy. What he didn't count on was the fact that I can hit a pitch that would cause him to flop around on the floor in agony.

Interesting fact about bats - they can't just up and fly they have to be already air born to get their wings out. I kept hearing this click, click noise but couldn't find the source. As we were heading to bed, before the in-laws showed up, I notice this big black thing trying to crawl up the wall and then jumped crashing into the door.

I think I needed a mop.

Hubby, a.k.a. BatSlayer, still remains calm, cool, and collective while I hop around screeching like an idiot swinging a wooden spoon. The trouble is all my screaming snapped him out of his suicidal state and decided that yes, he really wanted to live. So he started to dive bomb us.

BatSlayer did bring this new found hope to a quick end.

Hail mighty BatSlayer!!

We did get a giggle that this would have been a whole 'nother story if it was his Mom that would have found the bat. Now that would have made for some interesting blog fodder!

As it turned out Hubby didn't work Friday which was a good thing. As I predicted, Dad called nice an early and said that they want to come out and get some things. I tried to pause for dramatic affect to say that I was surprised as Hubs told them not to come out unless he was there cuz I don't know where things were. Dad continued on totally ignoring my dramatic pause.

How rude!

I can't say I was surprised (as I ran around saying told ya so) but was surprised by the reactions I got. I tried to push him off saying the in-laws where there to which my Dad said that's fine. I did say that Hubby was clear about them not coming over unless he was there. Dad jumped in that since Hubs was at work nothing could be done but when I said that Hubby was there Dad backed up and said ooohhh.

Mmm. Something stinks. And it's not me.

I'm irritated that they wanted to come out knowing I had company and they were banking on Hubs not being here. Not cool.

The hard part was the boys were cackling with glee thinking their Grammy was going to slipper slap Cruella simple. Sadly, there was no provoking from Cruella therefore no smackdown much to the disappointment of the boys.

I so hope they aren't going to need therapy.

It did make me feel bad because I've been standing my ground and I'm getting no where with the whole ordeal. And I mean no where. Then the boys make comments to MIL that they want her to come and clean house. Clearly the slipper slapping I have done to date is no match for the smackdown that Grammy could bring.

Of course, a few years ago I would so agree with that one!

Although MIL got the comment of the month when I told her about Dad's letter. I told her about how "I let satan drive a wedge between us" to which she replied, "Wow. That's brave of him to say that about his wife."

And then I really needed a mop from all the laughing.

We did have a good visit with the in-laws which still makes me shake my head in amazement. If you would have told me 6 years ago that I would have a visit from my in-laws that has been enjoyable I would accuse you of smoking crack.

Boys got a new (shudder) Bionicle, I got to go shopping twice and hit some serious sales. My MIL has a shopping anointing like no other person. I've seen things go magically on sale in her presence. It is truly something to behold.

We scored big time at Kohl's but got zilch at Payless. When we were coming out of Payless I noticed that thee CiCi's Pizza that so disappointed Curious J was back open. We called the guys to meet us there and watched dude scarf down 5 pieces of macaroni and cheese pizza.

And there was much rejoicing in the land.

In-laws headed back home this evening while Hubby and I crashed. I was awake for only about 10 minutes when the phone started ringing. I looked at caller i.d. and noticed that it was Dad.

Oh happy day.

He said that he is borrowing my cousin's son's truck and he wanted to know if they could come out tomorrow morning to start getting some of their things out of the garage. I said to hang on to see if I can get permission knowing this would irritate him.

It's the little things in life that make you smile.

So they will be here nice an early - for me - to start the loading of the things. I am having some serious issues with this. They can have back what they had in their apartment it's the fact that Cruella is so pissed off that she said they will be renting a storage unit and will be taking every last thing that is HERS out of our house.

Which means our place would be gutted. I'm thinking not happening.

Hubby is thinking - take every last thing and be gone. He doesn't see how they will never be gone. Case in point, Dad ended all gushy love you. Because I was still half out of it I responded out of habit, then wanted to kick myself. It's not that I don't love him, I just can see the game that is going on.

I'm thinking they can kiss my grits. Where do I draw the line? Where do you say enough?

Right now they are going after the stuff in the garage so we shall see what happens with that. Dad went on and on about how God really blessed them etc. Did I mention they applied for Social Security so now Mom doesn't have to get a job and Dad won't have to work the two jobs just to survive? No? Didn't mention that?

Dad said since he won't be working so many hours he can now devote time to restoring our relationship.

Crap.

I'll end it on this note - I was rather surprised that I got an ear full from my FIL (and a few people at church) that went off about me needing to honor my folks. I even got a letter from Grandma telling me that I need to try and be more understanding and give them another chance and the bible does say to honor your father and mother.

How is that so many people have honor and obey all meshed together? Honoring them doesn't mean I roll over and do whatever they tell me.

That is what I'm wrestling with right now - where do you draw the line? You give a mouse a cookie and he'll want a glass of milk.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The New Oil of Olay?

Okay, I know I have not provided the best fashion advice nor have I blogged the best beauty tips either. But I was reading Big Mama's blog and she had an article about an oil cleansing method.

I'll wait until you at least read that article.

Did you read it? Why not?? It's part of this post! Read my other two posts if you are new and bored or trying to waste time.

Anyhoo, the article is about using a castor oil/olive oil or sunflower seed oil mix for your skin. As the article states for those of you who didn't read it that our skin uses oil to lubricate itself.

Why do I snicker every time I say lubricant? I think I'll outgrow that one when I'm all old and wrinkly and need it - like lotion. Lots and lots of lotion - to prevent vapor lock.

Ahem, moving on.

In the name of beauty and gosh I can't stand anything about myself - I tried it. I mixed 1/4 cup of olive oil (as that's what I had) and 1 Tablespoon of castor oil. I got the water as hot as I could and massaged the oil in. This takes off make-up as promised and no burning or stinging of the eyes.

I got the washcloth as hot as I could handle it and laid it over my face and slowly, lightly rubbed the oil off my face. Wow does my skin feel good afterwards!!

You name the brand and I've tried it and my skin feels tight but after I use moisturizer I end up having a massive oil slick on my face. And foundation?? Forgetaboutit! Feels like I baked a cake on there. I can hear my pores gasping for air only to gush out more oil to get this junk off my face.

I haven't had any breakouts, but the number of currant zits has not gone down as the article claimed. I think I'll hunt down the sunflower seed oil like it suggested next time. I had a hard enough time tracking down the castor oil. Finally found it next to the laxatives.

What a crappy place to put it.

I couldn't resist. Well, I guess I could I just choose not to.

I also rubbed this oil onto my arms and then rubbed off with hot washcloth. I've always had nasty red bumps on my upper arms. This stuff has cleared it up!! I still have a few bumps but no where near the amount and all the redness is gone. Oh happy day!

I think I need to try this bad boy on elbows and heels to see what else it can do.

Where was this wonder oil when we had the horrible squeaky wheel on the batmobile?? Yeah that's how my brain works. For some reason all my teachers said I didn't pay attention.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, seeing how wonderful this oil is I thought that since I had issues with trimming the hedges I thought I would see if wonder oil would clear up the nasty bumps. Stupid, that would be me, sort of over looked that the oil part came after the ripping part. It did reduce the bumps and did take away the heartbeat my upper lip had going on. So I guess you could say it is the miracle of oils.

However, I refuse to try it on ladytown as there are hazards to shaving over stretch marks that I was not prepared for. For example, it sounded like a rumble strip on a highway. My razor did not recover from off-roading it and had to be put down, which was a shame as it was the last one in the package of disposable razors. I now question the sanity of anyone who practices this. I have a theory on that but she would hunt me down and cause bodily harm.

As always as a safety precaution - friends don't let friends wax. If you're sprouting a stache then bleach it or put stripes on it and call it your pet caterpillar. Having a bald upper lip for a week or two days isn't worth that amount of pain!

With that being said - I think this new oil will work nicely on my skin and I'll have to continue my research into the winter.

With my in-laws coming up I'm taking the rest of the week off. Rumor has it that my folks got their old apartment back which means gasp! we did all that hard work for a big fat zero.

Oh I can't express my joy.

As there is none with this turn of events.

There is also a rumor that they will try to show up over the weekend to collect their stuff. I'll pause and let that one sink in.

Needless to say, if they show up they will try to get help and that would lead to sparks a flying. My FIL would feel bad and therefore help them. My husband would feel bad that his dad is helping his in-laws while I would be holding back my MIL who would be trying to shank my Mom all while my kids would be saying release the hound as this could be fun.

Good times.

If this unfortunate event where to go down, like last time I will continue my blow by blow coverage as I'm just that way. We put the fun in dysFUNctional. Keeping trailer park reputations alive and well for generations to come.

I may need prayer come Sunday but I don't think an exorcist will be needed. Besides I got some great oil!! There has got to be some sort of anointing in it with all the miracles it has preformed so far. Olive oil is biblical, right? Yeah and um, castor oil will get things moving along so uh, if I throw this stuff on my folks will they slide out of here totally delivered from stupidity?

No??

Dagnabbit.

But I bet they'll have great looking skin.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Storm Clouds and Wedding Bells

14 years ago I was staying up late because a friend of mine who traveled out of state to be with me wouldn't shut up.

When it was time for me to wake up there was a major down pour. Heavy, nasty rain coming down in buckets.

I didn't care.

I spent most of the morning getting my hair and nails done. Another one of my friends was very worried about the weather but right when we were getting finished, the rains had stopped and the dark nasty clouds where rolling away with the sun shining through.

What could be more poetic than that on my wedding day?

The storms of life always rolls in on our plans and just when we think it's all lost it blows away and the Sun is there.

There are many things we forget but there are things that we will always remember. I remember feeling pretty for the first time in my life. I remember I couldn't stop smiling. I remember how hot my soon to be husband looked in a tux.

And I remember how amazed that he picked me.

I swear he is the only person on the face of this earth that gets me. He's never tried to fix or change me just accepted me for me. I've found with that acceptance for who I was at every stage I want to change to be better.

It seems that lately lots of storms have rolled in. The constant downpour makes me wonder sometimes. The flashes and the loud noises scare me but I don't wonder about us. No matter how bad the storms have been there is that hope that it will eventually stop and blow away with the Sun shining and the birds singing - and all is right with the world again.

I have no idea how I was smart enough to know he was the right man for me yet stupid enough to jump into marriage at 20 but I'm so glad that I did.

Happy Anniversary, honey. I love you in the good times, the bad times, with the gooey feelings and when those feelings are gone. I know the rain has been pouring in on us but I think I hear it slowing down and if you look a little ways out I think I see the Sun peeking through those clouds.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Chuckle For The Worker

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
*Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
*Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
*Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, all egations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management



Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews, albeit they may lack a formal higher education, have ever lacked a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft acting funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Busy Weekend

We went to the World Pulse Festival in South Bend, Indiana Saturday. We heard Skillet, TobyMac, and Casting Crowns. I think they said there was over 50,000 people that day. It was pretty awesome even if we were in the "special" tent. And by special I mean the poor thing was rather cheap and flappy - kind of like Hubby's great-aunt.

I'm not complaining too bad. Sure it was a pain that I had to fix the stupid thing 3 or 47 times every time the wind blew, or some stupid person walked into the rope holding the poles in place, or even the dumb kids that would walk buy and pluck it like a guitar string. We persevered no matter how many times the center pole about smack someone in the head.


But it was worth it because I got fried in the less than half an hour! I shudder to think what I would have looked like after all day exposure. I was under the darn thing almost the entire time and I still got burnt.

I am a delicate flower. The lily of the valley. Butt-white as I reflect sun.

For some reason we couldn't talk anyone into trying some chili we saw that day. I didn't cook it so it's not like I spiked it or anything. And there was some suggestions on what I should do with my snowcone. Go figure.

But fun was had by all - at least those of us smart enough to stay out of the mosh pit.

So we come home to discover that my folks had been at the house that day. We knew they were going to do it but we weren't ready for the dirty they pulled. I did have a concern that they were going to rented a uhaul truck and ransack the place but Hubby said that was just the paranoia talking.


They say it's paranoia when it doesn't happen but discernment when it does. How interesting.

They took one of the computers out of the family room. Granted it was theirs but that doesn't explain why the wall was so banged up that there is some paint missing in a few spots.

We saw a note telling us what they took but what crossed the line is they took our old nextel phones - the ones we've recently been trying to cancel. And I mean we've had to send 3 letters and several attempts to cancel the thing. The ongoing battle phones.


They said they are turning it into a boost phone.

I looked at Hubby.

He looked at me.

I said oh no they dih-ant and reached for the phone.

They are staying with my sucker cousin. She picked up the tension in my voice and quickly handed the phone over to Dad. I asked why didn't he just buy a $10 phone rather than take our old phone WITHOUT ASKING. Blah, blah, assumed wasn't using it etc etc.

I relay this on to Hubby who took the phone out of my hand and said that this was not something discussed and they will return the phones as well has hand over our house key and from now on they can't come over unless HE is there.

I think I almost said take me now in the presence of his mighty wrath.

I said almost.

Dad told him he was making a big deal out of nothing. I'll stop and let that one sink in.


Hubby said he's missing the point and then proceeded to spell it out for the clueless grey hair. Granted I have my own share of the grey but long live Clairol (or whatever else is on sale that week) because I've figured it out why can't they?

They will be coming over Monday night to get more clothes and they couldn't find their shoes. I think we are going to give them a timeline on how long they have to get their stuff out. I don't regret selling their stuff. They aren't getting it. No matter what boundary line we set up they run full force into it and then are surprised when we tell them to back it up.

It's no fun when an adult acts like a two year old.

This led to a late night of talking so when Hubby informed me that it was time to get out of bed to head to church I didn't attempt at bribery I simply said no and rolled over. I was reminded we had a birthday party to go to right after church to which I said I'll send a card. I was further reminded that I already bought a present.

Dagnabbit.

Well played, my friend, well played.

I stumbled into church only for it to be a rather hard day. Handful of situations that just made it a hard time. I'm seeing my sisters in Christ hurting over life things. Financial trouble, health battles, new beginnings, goodbye.

I hate goodbye.

It's so - so permanent - so final.

We went to the birthday party of a family that use to go to our church. The boys - even the Things had fun doing gasp! kid things!! Although they will deny it when asked at a latter date.


However, we were watching a few girls and I have to say I caught Hubby's eye and we both nodded our heads in agreement that we were glad we have boys and not girls. At least not these girls as they were just on the scary side.

And I mean poster children for birth-control scary.

Then they were given sugar.

Lots of sugar.

Just say no to child crack - at least in that quantity.


After all this excitement I can have a nice week of cleaning the house before my in-laws arrive for the weekend.

Shoot me now.

Oops! Old habbits. They're better now. Really, I'll be fine call security. No need for an intervention yeah right.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Sparktarts!

Well call me Cletus and slap me stupid - they got released!!

"I'm not happy, Bob. Not happy!" The Incredibles.

There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth - in biblical proportions.

First, I had to go up there and find them. They said get off on the Pearl exit by the museums. Okay, I went up and down Pearl Street in Grand Rapids looking for them for over an hour and couldn't find them.

Then the van overheated and the kids were starving. So we stopped to eat and tried to let the van cool. After that we tried again and I had to park the van and we got out and walked. Finally found them and then had to take them to get them something to eat.

We barely spoke the whole time. Until I informed them I was in the process of selling their things off.

That went over like a turd in a punch bowl.

Dad already got his job back. However, since I turned in the keys to apartment it's considered a skip. So they came back to our place livid - at me. Hubby was going to tell them several thing but by the time they got here it was after 10pm. He was tired and didn't get nearly as much out nor was he as forceful as he should have been.

After they left I went ballistic.

I was hoping to chop this off quickly. Now it's looking more like a painfully slow cutting than a quick chop. It was his decision to sell things off but I'm the one that has to answer for it. After a lot of me standing my ground and laying down the boundary lines they did not stay the night at our place.

Hubby did address how they and their choices have made them dangerous to be around and he will not let that harm his family again. Dad said as a grandfather he wants to instill godly things into the boys which I said "what how to be disobedient in 5 easy steps?"

I will say that Howard put away his cowardly ways because Cruella tried to say a few things to which he stopped her cold and even yank on a leash. So I guess there is a smidge of improvement.

We did tell them that the boys are not comfortable around them to which they said that is the boys' loss. Yeah, okay, whatever.

Mom said, "I will not apologize and grovel anymore."

Me: "You apologized??"

Cruella: "Yes.I.have!"

Me: "And you groveled?? I don't remember any groveling."

C: "Well shows you that your perception is off. I am tired of you walking around like a victim."

Me: "I can see why - you don't like the competition." (Yes, I said this. Do you see why I'm pretty surprised that I'm around to breath oxygen - through my nose?)

C: "I'm just amazed that you turned out the way you did. You were raised to be better than this. And if you ever read another one of my letters..."

Me: "What? Press charges? Call the cops? You're just mad because you know that we aren't going to kiss and make up so I'll be a good girl and do what mommy tells me."

C: "This is why I'm not going to grovel anymore - nothing is good enough for you."

Me: "You're kidding right? NOTHING I've done has been good enough for you."

C: "Well, I guess we're even."

Dad cut her off and said, "I will tell you a hundred times that I'm sorry. I'm not going to give up on you."

Me: "Don't bother."

D: "You're my daughter and I love you."

Me: "How you've both treated me is not love. Love does not force others to do things. You've have forced me into a corner so many times and I'm not doing it anymore. A relationship is a two way street. You only want to have one now is because you need something. I don't want a relationship like that.

Cruella: "Fine. One less hassle."

"The sun'll come out - tomor" *smack*

"It's a hard knock life!"

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

*Warning* - High Spew Alert

Okay you might want no liquids in your mouth when you read this. Matter of fact, don't have anything near you in case you slide out of your chair gasping for breath.

Can't say you weren't warned!

This has been floating around for a while but it still makes me laugh myself silly. If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you.


CHILI COOK OFF

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report


Thank you! I'll be here all week! If you did not laugh - seek professional help.