Tuesday, September 30, 2008


I'm sorry but the blog material you were expecting to read is not available today. The brain got loose again and all that is left of the writer is just a puddle of goo. If you would like to leave a message she may or may not get back to you. But thanks for trying.

There is no reason for concern. She's just a bit frustrated right now. She had all these really good blog ideas to post earlier this afternoon but the computer wasn't available. When it did become available she wasn't able to get near it as the laundry went gangsta on her yesterday so she's been battling the beast.

I must say, it's been a rather gruesome fight. I think she even rebuked it and told it to get behind her. It did but then tackled her.

She was muttering or possibly cussing while folding laundry a while ago. Personally, I think she's about ready to have some PMS. We really don't know when it will strike as she doesn't have a normal cycle so there is no way to prepare.

What? This shocks you?? You're kidding me, right?? What could possibly make you think anything about this woman is normal? Go ahead - make a suggestion. I have a list ready and waiting to prove you wrong.

However, if she knew I had this list she might go postal so let's just keep that our little secret, m'kay?

By the way can anyone explain to me why she has such a serious eye twitch? I mean it was looking really scary today. I think she scared the youngest one of her spawn. Lots of ranting about living in a house full of pigs disguised as guys. The older two seemed used to this and just stayed out of her way. It was weird.

There was a moment of happiness when she found out no jury duty for the rest of the week. That totally changed her day around. And she needed it believe me! The voice from the blue lagoon kept calling. It was almost comical yet painful to hear the strained conversation.

About led me to drink it was so bad.

Anyway, I best hop off as she only left for a bit. She sat down to blog but went blank. Completely blank. She really did have several good posts but they are not to be found - and she's looked everywhere. Looked behind a pile of snarkiness, around a pile or twenty of sarcasm but turned up nothing, zilch, nadda.

I'll distract her by saying the laundry basket is hiding it so I can post this before she discovers what I've been up to.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Revenge Of The Chili

If you missed the first round of chili you can read it here.

I'm not sure if this is a true story or what but oh my word it is funny! Again, set down the drink just in case you end up laughing like I did.

This One takes place in a Grocery Store!!!

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili.

Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your @$$ cheeks WILL fall off!!!

I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as "Thunder and Lightning!"

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.

The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?

Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but I didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my "Nether Region." Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun!!!

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal @$$-plosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my BUTT is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "$onof@&itch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off laughing again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Jerks claim they're going to have to repaint the store!


Try this out: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the Thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson& Johnson.'


Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart. Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!

Just make sure you eat chili.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Why Sleep Deprivation Messes With Your Head

I learned this lesson very well when the Things were first born. All I can tell you is that first month was as close to hell as I ever want to get. It wasn't until me, myself, and I - as I was schizo at the time - came up with the brilliant plan to prop them with a bottle therefore freeing each other up. This lead to the swing shift.

We actually had sleep and decided not to kill each other.

All that to say, I can back all the government's research on how you go out of your freaking mind and start to think weird things that aren't true when you don't get enough sleep on a regular basis.

We are still waiting for this effect to wear off. Well, at least for me.

We had a fish fry after church and I'm still a bit emotional on how yummy that fish tasted. Slap it up with side dishes that only a church can provide and it was truly a holy experience. Loaves and fishes - it's a stretch but work with me.

When we got back home there was yet another message from my folks. How long can you shun someone before they get the hint? I've had numerous experiences with shunage both giving and receiving and it doesn't take long to get the message.

I was too tired to do anything so I ignored it. I had just sat down on the couch ready to stretch out and see how fast I could fall asleep when the phone rang. I had a gut feeling I better answer it. They had come all the way out to see a movie at a theater near us and were in the neighborhood. He said they needed something and would be at our place in a few minutes.

I hung up and tried to go to sleep as fast as humanly possible. I heard them pull up and forced Hubby to go out and deal with them as they wanted something from the garage anyway. They never came inside and left in less than 5 minutes. I continued on to snoozeville.

5 minutes later my FIL called. He called me last night as a friend of his car broke down out where we are. He drove all the way out here from PA. When I saw his number I tossed the phone at Hubby and said it's for him. He got the car fixed and wanted to stop by since he was in the neighborhood.

I was out like a light in less than a minute after hearing this information.

I quickly fell asleep and dreamed of the darn neighborhood too out of the way for unwanted people to visit yet had everyone I have ever wanted to met within walking distance.

The strange part is I was so tired I couldn't wake up but I could hear bits and pieces of the conversation. I don't see the in-laws on a regular basis and to hear my FIL talking while I was asleep was causing my brain to have a weird running commentary/dream.

Most of it was shut up already I'm trying to sleep!

I was too far out of it to wake up and participate. Or maybe that was lack of ambition. Call it what you will but I was gone and I wasn't coming up. I remembered he didn't stay long. But I must say it was messing with my head.

Hubby told me I needed to get up. I don't understand that - if I'm asleep and it's not time to get up why would someone say you need to get up? My bladder thanked him but my eyeballs cussed him out. He just chuckled about those dough eyes.

I told him I earned that nap. I am after all a paintball widow. Once it's time for him to play paintball I'm kicked to the curb. He has gotten better. There was a stretch where he was playing all the stinking time. I don't mind that the dude runs off to play. It's the war stories that will follow that will get old real quick.

Lordy! I got the boys telling me about bionicles that make me zone out and I have my husband talking about paintball stuff that makes me zone out as well. I'm seeing a pattern. Boys never grow up.

I do like to hear about it but only in short spurts. It is fun to watch the guys' eyes light up when they talk about hosing a guy down with some paint. I've had fun watching the Hubs take down critter town so I could imagine this had to be ten times more fun. And like a good wife I've watched many a speed ball game.

But there is only so long I can talk about one subject. My brain hops around too much to stay on one subject. This is one time we reverse rolls and I'm silently telling him to shut up but he simply can't. Wow I suddenly have a lot of sympathy for him.

Hubby was hoping the Things would get into it this year but because we messed up by suggesting something they didn't come up with themselves we have a no - just like their dad. There are days I'm ready to use paintball as the new spanking. The staining of the clothes is what is holding me back - for now.

Friday, September 26, 2008

I'm Alive? Oh Yeah. I'm Alive!!

This last week did drag it right out of me. I'm still debating if I really want to discover what "it" is that was dragged. All I know is I'm a feeling mighty low.

Before I dragged spawnage off to wally world, I had this brilliant beyond brilliant idea of why don't we shovel out the drawers so I know what still fits. Clearly I didn't think that one through. I think I made Curious J try on every scrap of clothing in the room. When it was all said and done he fell into a sweaty heap declaring he no longer wants to wear clothes.

I so can't wait to remind him of this in another couple of month when it's down right c-c-cold.

So we got all the clothes for all the boys sorted and gasp! the drawers can actually close now. I'm taking no bets on how long this will last. Once our own version of Fashion runway was completed, we went and checked out a few secondhand stores. After we did fifty ga-jillion errands we limped our way into wally world for the loading of the carts.

Again, not the best thought out plan.

Except our wally world is doing a face lift which means you can't find a bloomin' thang. They tried to be helpful by hanging signs all over the place but I don't even know local street signs - I just turn at land marks.

As we acted like a bunch of crazy rats running through a maze, the boys begged me to get them a watch. I'm looking at the mountain of things in the cart already and said we could just look. Why I thought that would get me out of it shows I was weak from exhaustion.

I think I heard one of them say "Sucka!"

What do you do when they just fall magically in love with a watch? I looked at the price tag and said "it's $4 go ahead" only to see CJ pull out a $7 one with Thing1 handing me a $9 one. It's junk like this that adds up quick and then when I see the total I wonder what have I done???

At least they are grateful. I've only heard "thank you for my watch" 322 times by the time we got home. I pulled into the driveway gripping the steering wheel with the eye a twitching saying you're welcome through gritted teeth. It's a good thing that Hubby had just pulled into the driveway a few minutes before us. He could unload the van while I rummage around for some nappy time juice.

It has just been a crazy week. I've noticed when the schedule goes off we all go off which is sort of odd because we are still working out the schedule. It's looking like this next week is going to be just as crazy. Yippee

Looks like angst the musical may be a sequel.

I came home this afternoon to see the message button on the phone was blinking. It was from my folks. They have tried calling and emailing me for the last three days. I think those big girl panties to stand up to them are in the dirty clothes basket cuz I've had no energy to deal with it.

So what's a coward girl to do without her big girl panties? She thanks God for caller id and doesn't answer the phone!

The phone rang again and I just sat there too pooped to moved. I think I should change my phone message to "I'm sorry but I just have no ambition whatsoever to schlep over to the phone to find out what you want."

They know Hubby is gone today. They think I'm home bored out of my brain. They said they want to see what my plans are and maybe come hang out. After hearing that message I wanted to flop on the floor and sob like a two year old.

What they don't know is my brain is taking a nap so I'm not bored. I need to get off my butt and get some things made for tomorrow but that darn lack of ambition is really cramping my plans. Besides the fact that I just don't want to move and my brain napping, I've discovered I seemed to be in a slight fog unable to concentrate.

Darn, just can't seem to figure out how to pick up this phone and answer it.

Matter of fact, I can't seemed to think what else to say I'm so out of it. Ran here, did this, got this done, got that done. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Dang! The phone is ringing again. I told the kids if they need me I'll be hiding under a blanket with a pillow stuffed over my head singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall. They didn't get it. *Sigh*

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Is it just me or does three big baskets of laundry that needs folding just totally kill the creative juices that are needed to write blog and/or titles? Just me??? Dagnabbit.

Remember when I said how I payed my dues and had a fun but busy week last week? I think I spoke too soon as I am paying dues and then some this week. Talk about your hidden fees. Hubs is out of town just so he can have some work. Dag.nab.bit.

Last night he called a bit worried that they wouldn't get the job done until Friday. Tonight he called saying it was looking like Thursday at the earliest. This means that I need to load up the spawn and go grocery shopping - alone. Daaaaagnaaabbiiiit.

We are at the point where it takes us all cuz we fill three carts. Three carts for two weeks. As you can guess I am not a calm person. Matter of fact, I have a hard time typing the word let alone acting it. Hubby is so calm I've wondered if he's in a coma. Thankfully he isn't. He just isn't as rattled as his high strung wife.

Which is odd because I never thought myself has a high maintenance person. I started polling people and the consensus from both of them (hey if it works for politics why not me) is that I'm not high maintenance I'm just wound a little too tight.

Thanks. I think.

Where was I? Oh yeah - angst - the musical. Coming to a soapbox near you. Dark stage with a single beam of light falling on my lone self as I start to sing some bitter version of my life.

Wait. This is that version. Dagnabbit.

One of my feelings of angst is Hubby brings a nice calm to whatever it is I'm spewing out that day. So to go in public and try to accomplish something without that happy feeling leaves me with just me. And that's never a good thing.

My happy feelings are further crushed when faced with the reality that my van hates me. Well that's not quite right. It runs better for me than Hubby but I can't get the back of the van open but he can. Therefore makes running errands like grocery shopping a royal pain in the rear end. Dammit Dabnabbit.

Slip of the fingers - I swear. We'll just over look the fact that I didn't delete it.

Under orders, or more like total mockery and pressure from Hubby, I made the boys go out and see if they could get it open. Thing2 came up with a trick and got it to work. Not to be out done, Thing1 immediately did the same trick. CJ had no luck and after much coaching I got it to work. So this means solo grocery shopping is a go. Dargnerbit.

I like to mix it up every now and then.

Another feeling of angst is that I'm being forced to go to a women's thing for our church. Take a guess when - Thursday night. It's looking like he'll walk through the door and I will walk out of it. Dagnabbit.

Then, as if all this angst wasn't enough, dude is leaving Friday night and won't be back until Saturday night. Snort, pant, wheez ahem! Dagnabbit.

Luckily for me, the boys haven't been too bad. Other than a melt down from CJ, Thing2 took all blooming day long to do his schoolwork, and Thing1 is trying to come up with a plan to rule the world - other than that it's been swell.

Pause for eye twitching to stop dramatic effect.

Matter of fact, the older two like being the men of the house. Lord, help me! I heard that teenage boys can clash with the Dad and it's like a bunch of roosters. They don't call if cock-fighting for nothing.

Throw in a few books I've read lately on boys at this stage and I'm thinking of medicating my way through the next few years. Better living by chocolate. Or there is Benedryl and Gatorade better known as nappy time juice.

I said to myself, "Self, just get through this week." But sadly, this is myself we are talking about and it shot right back, "Did you know you have jury duty next week?"

Darn that self.

(Looks at calender) Dabnabbit.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Ha Ha - On All Of It

All this shoe talk makes me giddy with estrogen power!


Martha: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

Martha: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine: Go to the bakery! Hey, they'll even decorate it for you!

Martha: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

Maxine: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Martha: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Maxine: Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Maxine: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.

Martha: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Maxine: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

Martha: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Maxine: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Maxine: Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!

Lastly, Maxine said to pass along all her helpful tips or your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.


I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....Puhleeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60, 70 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too'

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones. Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cellphone-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?'
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .

Mid-life means that you become more reflective . . . You start pondering the 'big' questions.
What is life?
Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

What Would You Do?

Okay, Hubby thinks I'm the only woman out there that would do this.

While all by my onsies, I went shopping - at a store - without kids. Truly, I was in a zen like trance of complete shopping utopia. I was in the clearance section of the shoe department when I saw a cute pair of shoes. They became even cuter when I noticed they were marked down to $5.


I think only women have a part in their heart that would start to beat faster over this situation.

The down side was I found only one shoe in my size. Not a pair, nooo. Couldn't have that now could we? I found one size 7 and one size 8. I want to know the gimp that is out there having to buy two different size shoes.

This left me with getting a size 7 1/2. I have Donald Duck feet. Wide but short with tiny stumpy toes. They fit fine in the width but were too long. I bought them anyway.

I ended up having to get those grippy pads that go in the heal of the shoe. This created two dilemmas. One being, I had to make another trek out but to a Payless store. Once there I was strongly tempted in the area of oh these are too cute. Unfortunately, those bad boys were not on sale and I had to do a lot of deep breathing to get out of there with just the grippy pads.

The other part of this dilemma is now it sort of shoves my stubby little toes where there is no room therefore squishing the toes but the heel is still slipping. I tried it with a pair of socks but since I wasn't going for the dork look I was out of luck.

I ditched the socks and wore them anyway.

Graceful, I am not. I almost tripped over them cuz they are a bit longer than what I'm use to. All of this to say that Hubby is saying that what I pulled isn't normal, isn't right, and any normal, right thinking woman would never do this.

Why he thought that applied to me clearly shows he had no clue what he is talking about.

I told him that I never claimed to be normal OR right thinking but he is sadly mistaken on that last part. I said I know many a woman and many a shoe horror story but did it anyway all in the name of oh my word weren't those shoes cute?!

Hubs has no sisters. I'm thinking I may have been only the third woman to ever talk to him and that's including his mom. So I think dude needs a shoe education. Knowing his momma and her shoe fetish I can't believe he didn't learn this lesson many moons ago.

He can't believe I bought it - hello? shoes for $5! And that I wore it anyway knowing it had issues. This cracks me up, because back in the day when we were just friends I tripped over a pair of ill-fitted shoes. I twisted my ankle and he caught me before I did an oh so not elegant belly flop into a mud puddle.

My hero.

So I'm a bit surprised that he actually said anything about me + shoes = disaster because dude was able to pull a move and take our relationship to the next level over a pair of bad shoes.

I think I now know why he only lets me shop at Payless.

Anyone else got some shoe horror stories? Help a sista out and tell the dude that no I'm not the only one out there that has paid the price all for a nice looking pair of shoes.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Holy Crap I Miss Sleep

Okay, this has been a crazy week! I know I've been MIA but I have good reasons - I'm not awake!!

Remember where I said I didn't get the memo? Yeah, well I went to bed last night/this morning around 3 am because....I was out late again. I think I told the memo to go jump in a lake. In one weeks time I have been out three times and have not returned until the wee hours in the morning.

This is a record.

Suddenly all those lonely years of the dirty diaper trenches has paid off. My dues are paid in full so I don't have to get up to take care of the spawn as they could manage on their own.

That and their Dad had no work today so he was home and I kicked him out of bed.

I went to see the movie The Women. There was so much estrogen in this movie that my Hubby would have fallen into a coma or would have smacked himself repeatedly with a piece of licorice. I was sort of eh about the whole movie. I know they were trying to cover all women of all walks of life and alternative lifestyles but I sort of left disappointed.

There were some hilarious scenes like near the end when one is giving birth. I won't give anything away in case ya want to see it. It didn't suck but it's not something I would want to buy. It did sort of sadden me that it's the usual if you stay at home with your kids then you are crap and not all that you can be. Since when did I join the army?

Like I said there were some funny moments. It just didn't set well with me that the main character had to go out and be successful in business before her husband found her interesting. Wha? She was involved in all these things and added homemade touches to everything and that is no longer interesting.

So you southern gals? You might think this movie is blasphemous.

I got to thinking about that because the topic has come up all week about oh my word don't we have time for people and the little things any more? It seems this has sort of been the theme of life lately. Meg Ryan's character said, "They said you can't have it all but that's not true. You can have it all but it's exhausting."

I know so many people, myself included, that it is just go, go, go. Run this kid here for this thing, potluck at church, meetings for this or that and what do you mean you're out of underwear again?

I think about people all week long. They are on my mind and I pray for them but it's the human touch that seems to be so lacking. Case in point, while I driving us back from the movie we got to talking about this and that. She opened up and it was a flood of emotions on every topic you could image.

I felt so bad that I see her twice a week and had no clue all she was battling with. For her it did good to vent. I offered my opinion on a few things but for the most part just let her vent. Venting is good.

Here's the thing, she was on my mind all week. I was praying for her. I woke up that morning thinking about her and I passed her on the way to bible study. She even followed me into the parking lot. I knew I was to ask her go to a movie and we ended up going that night. I'm glad I listened to that prompting to do it.

Another prompting was I had pulled out two packages of hamburger a few nights ago to thaw out. I was debating should I make meatloaf or something else and felt I was suppose to make meatloaf. Okay whatever.

I just put it in the oven when the phone rang and (sigh) it was my Dad saying they would be here in 20 minutes as they were in the area. The meatloaf was big enough and they didn't leave that they ended up eating dinner with us - and there was just enough!

Then today Hubby was getting the boys ready to go camping tonight and had to run a few errands. He felt to go check out a store and they had a Game Cube for $30 as ours died last week when the power flickered off.

And did I mention he was taking them camping? Which means I have a free night!

I've had girl talk sessions most of the week, awesome bible study, movie last night, I'm renting movies for tonight and I can get up whenever I feel like it tomorrow. Not to mention Hubby picked me up some chocolate. Keeping the fluff still fluffy.

I'm in heaven! Not to mention I need to recover.

So next time you feel that prompting give it a whirl. Even though I'm tired it's been a good week.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I Didn't Get The Memo

What memo, you ask? The one I didn't get. The one that says, hey, stupid, you're an adult so start acting like it. I also think that memo should up the age of what is qualified as an adult. I'm thinking 25 rather than 18. It's a thought.

But sadly, I'm past the 20s and am quickly approaching the thirty-something-don't-ask-my-age-fool. Smack dab in the middle of adulthood.

There is this thing called sleep. I have a long love for sleep but like any relationship it can be a love/hate thing. If I fall asleep before midnight it was due to extreme exhaustion or medication.

I am a night owl. I have tried to reform my ways but clearly the dark force has a strong pull. I also think early risers aren't quite right.

I should know as Thing1 is, and will always be, my morning person. When he is up he makes sure everyone else is up. To say he takes waaay too much pleasure in torturing getting us up is an understatement. I give kudos to Thing2 for not taking his face off. We all have agreed that Curious J is my spawn and should only be disturbed in case of emergencies.

So in the last week I have found myself slipping into bed at the wee, wee hours of the morning. Last week I went to bed at 6:10 A.M. after being out with my cousin. Hubby just laughs at me. The standing rule has been I have to be home before he goes to work. The record is still standing that I made it home before he left.


Yesterday, or this morning, I hit the pillow at 4. I have been picked on by having this ability. I think they are just jealous. Yeah, that's it. Jealous that they don't have the ability to be able to do it.

But I think the worst is laying in bed and can't fall asleep. This happens to me every stinking Saturday night. It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, I end up tossing and turning and can't shut the brain down so when I finally drift off to sleep it's about time for the alarm to go off to go to church.

The sad thing is Thing1 has had to get us up on more than one occasion. I'm starting to think dude is Hubby's secret weapon.

Sunday, I stumbled downstairs and was eating breakfast when Hubby walked into the kitchen to say good morning. I have finally learned to stop snarling at him. Well, for that day anyway. But I have yet to curbed the evil eye of the morning. His chuckling does not help his cause in any way shape or form.

He said, "I love it when you give me the doe eyes."
Me: "Doe eyes?"
"Yup. The look that says I'm going to kill you, dough boy."
"Oh, that look."

Yes, I know exactly what look it is and why it amuses him is beyond me. And the day was just full of the look. We were running late, as usual, when I had a wardrobe malfunction of my bra strap breaking. The bra is designed to be strapless but thought I would seek a higher authority and get Hubby's opinion if this was doable.

I sent Thing2 down to get his Dad. Being the good kid that he is decided to add the urgency of the situation by saying, "Dad, Mom wants you. Right.this.second."

Clearly the child does not know certain phrases can be taken different ways. Yet.

I'm not sure if Hubby's feet even touched the stairs as he flew up the steps. It did not help the situation when I called out to him in mid-flight of having a wardrobe malfunction. I was a bit confused when he flew into the room and locked the door. For me, at this stage, a locked door is foreplay. When I heard the lock click I was starting to say I don't think so when he cracked up laughing saying the look on my face was priceless.

Time to give my comedian those doe eyes again.

I think I need to have a strategy plan that if I'm going to be out late make sure I have nothing else to do the next day. Today wasn't too bad but Saturday - let's just say it was a good thing Hubby was here.

This can only go for so long and then it hits me. I slept Sunday afternoon and evening. Got up and went to bed and still had a hard time getting out of bed. That's got to be a sign of old age maturity, right?

My Mom was telling me I've been doing this since I was a teenager and I really need to knock it off and start acting my age. I said you first. I hope this isn't some Cruella trait

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Because I Can't Help Myself

The funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying hey YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Caution: Don't take Viagra unless you have studied the 9 words women use or otherwise it would be like getting all dressed up with no where to go. Hee hee

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Death By Zucchini - Part 2

In this episode of As The Door Slams Shut, we find our heroine trying to contain a rather nasty eye twitch. The mother ship had indeed landed and the events that took place left our heroine SPEECHLESS!!

You did pick up on that, right? Speechless. Very rare.

Narrator: She was slightly shocked and confused on what had just happened. She thought maybe if she replayed what had happen then she would be able to focus more clearly to try and explain.

She had completed the grinding of the veggies for the relish and said veg had enjoyed an overnight salt bath. The draining of the liquid was starting to happen when the folks pulled into the driveway.

There was the usually muttering and complaining and much prayer of 'God, help me' was had. Several deep cleansing breaths was had as well. However, it turned too cleansing and she sort of hyperventilated. Seeing the room start to sway she had to quickly sit down. Unfortunately, the folks were by now pounding on the door.

So it was on shaky legs that she staggered to the door and stupidly unlocked it and stood back as they came barging in.

Cruella: "Took you long enough."
Dad: "It's wet out there! Think it'll rain?"
Me: "Funny, since it's been raining since yesterday."

C: "I have to go to the bathroom."
D: "I brought a computer that should work. I need the keys to the garage."
Me: "Don't let me stop you. What do you mean should? Keys are in my....here."

C: "So how's the relish going? Oh you're ready to drain it. Well, I brought mustard seeds."
Me: "Good cuz I came up empty on that."
C: "Really? I never have any trouble getting those."
Me: "Angry mob. It was terrible, I barely made it out alive. Sadly without the mustard seeds."
C: "I would have gotten them."
Me: "I have no doubt about that as you aren't above shanking someone for something."
D: "I'm going to go see if there is anything else we need out of the garage."
Me: "Be careful, Howard."

And with that How Dad leaves the kitchen leaving our heroine stuck alone with her mother slaving away over stupid relish. She zoned out several times when Cruella went on one of her usual rants. She did suffer, however, when Cruella announced that she found new dishes on sale. Our heroine asked what they were like only to discover that they were "similar" to the ones that were sold.

Oy vey, the woman can't let it go. But now there will be no more whining about her needing dishes.

Cue next scene, the cooking of the relish was taking place with Cruella lecturing like she had a classroom of naughty children.

C: "No, don't add veggies just yet as that's not a full boil."
Me: "Your little recipe didn't say anything about a full boil besides boil is a full boil."
C: "Anyone knows that boil means a rolling boil."
Me: "Boil means boil. It's not boiling unless it's at a full boil."
C: "Well that's not true. It can be boiling but for this it needs to be at a full boil. See? It's almost at a full boil."
Me: silent seething
C: "Okay, now you can add the veggies. On second thought, let me as you might just dump it in and splatter it everywhere. You always were a messy child."

Narrator: Our heroine was smart to run to the bathroom and stuff a whole towel in her mouth to muffle the sounds that were trying to erupt. Once soggy wad of towel was extracted from mouth she lobbed it into the tub and went back out to face the old hag.

As the canning was commencing, Dad came back in to say the car was all set so bye and left with Cruella still there.

C: "Now we wiped down the jar so the lid can seal."
Me: "Yes, I know."
C: "Then you need to tighten the lid down as this helps the lid stay in place so it can seal."
Me: "Do tell."
C: "I'm just trying to help you."
Me: "Yeah, that would have been nice on the other batch but since I've done this I think I got it figured out."
C: "I bet they didn't all seal."
Me: "They all sealed."
C: "I bet you forced it to seal."
Me: "No. I just wiped down the jar with a wet rag then dried it off and put the lid on."
C: "Oh there was your problem - you don't need to dry it off."
Me: "I didn't have a problem as all of them sealed."

Narrator: Cruella sat down and continued on another boring rant about how they were wronged and they are going to be proved right. They have an upcoming court date that remains to be seen on what will happen. Lots of questions were asked and most of them were dodged or somewhat answered.

Our heroine tried very hard to keep a poker face but has come to the conclusion that snarkiness runs too strongly through her veins. Therefore it is impossible to actually pull this off. The eyebrow did have a bit of disdain in it's archness.

As the jars cooled, they let out the pop noise to say that they had sealed. As each jar was sealed, Cruella put them in the jar case. It's here that floored the heroine. Cruella went to leave taking all 12 jars of the stupid relish!

Slightly shocked from the nerve, she managed to croak out that an aunt had asked for some not to mention the lady who gave the zucchini needed to have some too. And I quote, "Well you aren't going to use a whole case in a year so give them some out of yours."

Sputtering was had so Cruella said fine and set out 2 jars but taking 10 for herself. As she watched the jars of stupid relish head towards the door in Cruella's greedy hands, she vowed the old hag would not get another stupid thing from her again. She snapped back out of her shock when Cruella demanded help with the door.

Our heroine had a moment of stupidity when she offered to carry the box to the car which Cruella snapped she would do it as she can't trust anyone. It was sort of a horrible moment when the old hag almost dropped the box and falling on her face when she came down the sidesteps. Luckily she caught herself at the last moment. Panting and wheezing she couldn't get the car door open to which she yelled to come help.

I can't make this crap up.

And seriously it's not about the relish. I had no problem giving her some. It's the fact that she had no regard for me. I spent two days working hard on it and she just took it with the attitude that I owed her. She only gave me the mustard seed which I wonder were even legal.

Still in my shocked stage, I sort of called my aunt and told her Mom took her share of the relish. It's sort of funny cuz this is my Mom's oldest sister and they don't get along. So this was like waving the red flag in front of a very ticked off bull.

I didn't claim to be mature, ya know. I'm starting to think I'm mean and spiteful but that's a whole 'nother story.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


I debated whether to post anything about this or not. I was thinking about it off and on all day. The older boys had questions as they remember bits and pieces of that day.

I remember my Mom calling me and said to turn on the TV. We were on the phone talking when the second plane crashed and you just knew.

It was no accident.

I talked to my cousin this afternoon and her son that came back from Iraq in the Spring is going to go back again - this time with his younger brother. They are only a year apart and both are in the same unit. I'm sad that they are going but I've watched these guys and know that they want to go do this.

As we were eating dinner tonight I looked at my three boys and I can't help but wonder what the future holds. I don't like to think about it.

In bloggyworld I read Anna, Tommie, and Jubilee - all military wives. They don't say it but I can see the silent courage these women have. I think they are the unsung heroes. Our country was attacked and their men have gone off to fight while the rest of us stay home and safe. They keep on keeping on, facing all the normal challenges while being both mom and dad.

I was flipping through the channels and just reliving it. I saw the Freedom Flag. I couldn't find a website for it but I thought it was cool.

Blue Background: all Americans united together for freedom
White Star: all who lived and died for freedom
Five White Bars: the Pentagon and the organized protection of our freedom
Top Red Stripe: the bloodshed of those who perished at the Pentagon and the crew and passengers on American Airlines Flight 77
Two Broad Red Stripes: the Twin Towers and the bloodshed of the people who perished at the World Trade Center and on American Airlines Flight 11 and United Airlines Flight 175
Bottom Red Stripe: the bloodshed of the crew and passengers who perished on United Airlines Flight 93 in Pennsylvania
Three White Stripes: the rescue workers, firefighters, police officers, Port Authority employees, and others who worked tirelessly during and after the terrorist attacks

The Twin Towers symbolism is of course more obvious when the flag is hanging vertically

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


It turns out that my one year blogversary was a few days ago.

I'm not sure what one is suppose to do on a blogversary. The big blogs hand out prizes and have contests. If you were expecting something like that then clearly you are at the wrong blog. I can't come up with a contest let alone come up with a prize unless it's the partially melted chewing gum still in it's original wrapper that is floating at the bottom of my purse.

Ooo, aaah.

I know, you're underwhelmed.

Who knew this here blog would have 5 people reading it every other day. Thanks y'all for reading the mindless drivel I shovel out. Yet, you keep coming back for more. Personally, I'm wondering if you lost a bet.

But thanks a million. I sprinkle you all with virtual chocolate for two reasons. One, there would be no way to sprinkle you with real chocolate and two, if I had that amount of chocolate then you would be staring at a blank screen with nothing new to read as I would be in a chocolate covered coma.

That's me - keeping the feelings of major underwhelment at a whole new level of, um, okay whatever.

Let's just pretend I handed out chocolate, m'kay?

And shock upon shocks, I actually have somewhat good news. It turns out that we will have all computers up and running by the end of the week. My folks will be coming out with a computer and a router thus clearing up all computer problems.

At first they were going to grace me with their presence Thursday afternoon. After some deep breathing I thought that it's a good thing I'm going to bible study in the morning to get extra laying on of hands and all around prayer support. Growing up I got plenty of laying on of hands but it was never for prayer or support.

Go figure.

After I called Dad to let him know we couldn't find a cheaper router he said he would get us one. This of course did not go over too well with the Hubs, but it caused enough delay so they'll come out Friday and stay for a shorter time. And it's coming out of someone else's pocket.

Clearly God was looking out for me. Not to mention that I got more stuff to do the zucchini relish so if I get all the veggies all ground up then I can force strongly suggest my Mom to help me on the draining process.


And it was no small task at getting the stuff for the relish. We got back from grocery shopping with many a scar trying to get all the ingredients. Was there a shortage on mustard seeds that I didn't hear about?

I was trying to get around a lady who claimed to be slightly slow and kept blocking the aisle. I say claimed because she delayed me long enough for her parnter in crime to get the last of the mustard seeds. I like finding the last of something myself but when a blue hair lady does some happy dance rubbing it in my face, I have to rebuke the Cruella so I don't slam my cart into her.

Hubby has seen this manifestation before and has had to do some serious heading off at the path maneuvers that defy all logic. There is the classic distraction of look brownie batter is on sale. When that oldie but goodie didn't work he knew he was in some serious trouble.

I don't know how he did it but he was able to cue the boys to start producing some serious gas. I got so light headed from the fumes that he was able to herd us out of the aisle before there was a scene. Since the stink bomb was already in full bloom, he was teasing me that he was going to swipe it while everyone was blinded by the stench.

I kept asking if he would really do it but he just laughed letting me think whatever I wanted. He said it was my own fault as I started it.

After getting zero help on ideas on what the guys will actually eat, we set foot inside the store only for them to have a touch of brilliance and gave me 200 dinner suggestions. I shot them all down as I said if it's not on the list then too stinking bad!

There goes my mother of the year award.


Note to self - be very careful using the word stinking especially after eating at Taco Bell.

Once the fumes cleared away, there were a few disagreements. Seems the boys couldn't quite agree on a couple things but when we got home, the one causing all the fuss said gosh he decided he really wished he would have agreed - now. Now, that we were already home and in the process of putting things away now.

That now.

He saw the eye starting to twitch and left the scene before I could intake any air and start a whole new frequency.

I got to ask - are my kids the only ones out there that tries to eat all the good stuff in the first three days? Anyone? Just my kids???

Today they were bugging me for something - anything to nibble on. I wished them the best of luck and sent them on a search and rescue party in the pantry. Not much to pick from beyond a few can of green beans, corn, and something I have no idea how long it's been there. Guess they weren't too hungry as no one was willing to eat the old can of Pringals that no one can remember when we bought it or who even picked it out.

The whole feeding of the zoo is not an easy task. There is always one that doesn't like whatever it is I'm making. CJ is the worst at it. I try to let him pick out something that he likes rather than just shove it around on his plate. The trouble with this is he'll pick the same thing so many times that Hubby will retch at the mention of a certain casserole. I will say the casserole at random times just to see if the retching is sincere. Turns out he won't retch on demand but he does shudder.

I know that feeling rather well. It's called making a grocery list!

It's just me isn't it?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Juggling - One Of Many Talents I Don't Have

I can multitask. I can have a few pots on the stove, so to speak, but what I am not equipped with is the ability to have several things up in the air. This leaves too many things to chance and holy crap we just can't be having that.

Control freak - I are one.

Shockingly this has come as a surprise for me. No, I'm serious. I'm not the control freak in my family. Matter of fact, I've found go with the flow to be the only way at survival. What no one ever caught on to was while yes, I'll do it their way, it would just cost them later in other areas they never saw coming.

I'm not sure it that's a gift or a curse. What do they say - survival of the fittest? Which makes no sense to me. I'm not fit - far from it. But I think I've marked out my survival just fine and dandy. Maybe because God keeps telling me there is no early release for good behavior.


I told Him this doesn't help the whole warden image many people have of Him. He said, "I am what I am."

May the record state that God created sarcasm and knows how to use it!

I was suppose to be making a point. It will show up eventually. I can't really type elevator music cuz hello? there are no words to it.

Oh yes, juggling and things beyond my control (shudder). Well, the good news is I decided not to swan dive off the stairway if for no other reason I don't think it would end the misery. And just because life makes no sense, I would be the one that ended up cleaning the mess. After my very long winded speech to the boys about not making more work for other people what type of example would that leave?

Truly, I have a dizzy dazzling way of thinking.

One computer is still MIA and I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone to ask if the exorcist was complete. How awkward would that be? Dad would talk about some motherboard and me, being me, would think that he finally took a board and slapped Cruella upside the head rendering her free but unconscious.

The awkwardness would continue to rise as I gave many a thank offering to the Lord for finally opening up my Dad's eyes to all the deception - only to find out that wasn't the case.

Pissing-off perfectly possessed people permanently. Is that what they mean by watching your P's and Q's? No? Huh, wonder what the Q's would be? I'm not that talented to come up with anything.

So even though we are still down a computer, we are still tweaking the system. I thought about giving it a really big goose just to get it going but I'm not sure what that would do. It's still a bit rough as there are different subjects on different computers. We've run into one kid having a lot of down time while waiting for the other computer. I originally thought about having them double up on a subject but we've found that for math that's a bit much to chew.

I feel like Marvin the martian - delays, delays.

While I was whining praying, far away from the sink, and after we got passed all of our sarcastic banter - I've really been asking for wisdom. I don't like having so many things up in the air. They aren't in His hands or my hands. Nothing is touching it and that scares me.

The what ifs that roll in make such a gust of air I'm almost sure those things are going to get pushed out of my reach and fall to the ground.

I felt challenged of so what if they fall to the ground? To which I said then they'll shatter and break into a lot of little pieces and since I'm the one stuck cleaning up messes I would like to avoid all of that.

Who said you're the one that's to clean up the mess? was the response I got.

You're haven't been around here lately have You? was my reply. I did tell Him it sort of confirmed my suspicion of Him being MIA lately. I then started to freak thinking there was some warning in that comment and that it must mean it was all going to shatter.

Paranoia is a hard thing to shake. Actually, to get to the root of it is fear.

So much fear.

There have been times that God has had to put me in a sleeper hold just to get me to quit worrying. And trust? Yeah, we're still working on that one.

I can see in so many of my actions that I tell God loud and clear I'm not trusting Him. I've been pinned to the ground saying, through gritted teeth, "FINE. I tr-tr-trust Y-You." Only once released I go right back at it again not trusting. Oy vey!

God had to interrupt my paranoia rant.

I can see being afraid has pushed me to want to control all the ins and outs so I'm not caught off guard or taken by surprise. You would think reality would have beat that one out of me by now. Like I said I'm still working on it.

He keeps telling me to trust Him.

Then the phone rings. I look at the caller id. Sigh

Okay God, I'm trusting You to work things out.

"Hi Dad."

"Hey Jo! I bet you're wondering about the computer."

How funny is that?

Apparently he picked up on me wondering about the computer and called to confirm it is indeed possessed - the computer anyway. I guess it put up a rather nasty fight and in the end refused to repent for the blue screen of death. Still talking about the computer.

In a garble of computer speak - it died y'all. Dad is offering to pay for some other parts and after more computer speak said it should work. Not sure when we'll see it.

No rush.

Not like my son isn't sitting here sighing rather loudly while his other brothers do school work on the other computers. Nope. Don't sweat it. He only mentions the cool theme he picked out before his computer died once or twice. Okay, maybe 54 times an hour a day.

No hurry. Sigh

Monday, September 8, 2008

Do You Need A Laugh?

It's Monday y'all and we are still having computer issues. So here's to starting the week off with a laugh! Again, ya might not want to be drinking anything.


An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right . . . but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor; is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
(Thanks Margie!)


At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were sailing down the river when suddenly there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, what he had just experienced. The best s*x that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?' The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the Lady, 'Up or down?' She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f**k or drown.'