Thursday, October 30, 2008

Boo! Giggle


LOUISIANA GHOST STORY (Thanks Sandy!)

This happened just outside of Cocodrie, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quivering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Willie, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."


HOW MUCH DOES A BRAIN COST?

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'


RALPH THE HEN

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph…
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside… Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming!

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…
'Ralph! Wake up. You sh*t the bed!'



Hope this tickled your funny bone. Thanks for all your well wishes. I may need extra prayers cuz right now I'm a bit creeped out that I'll be at a cemetery - on Halloween. Only my family can pull a funeral on Halloween! All I can say is my Dad better not be packing some fake vampire teeth.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Dance On


DANCING WITH GOD

When I meditated on the word GUIDANCE, I kept seeing 'dance' at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.
When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.
When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing
Lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.

The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word GUIDANCE.
When I saw 'G': I thought of God, followed by 'u' and 'i'.
'God, 'u' and 'i' dance.'
God, you, and I dance.
As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life.
Once again, I became willing to let God lead.

My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday.
May you abide in God, as God abides in you.
Dance together with God, trusting God to lead and to guide you through each season of your life.
This prayer is powerful so let's continue to pray for one another.
And I Hope You Dance


In memory of my uncle who decided to go out on his own terms. He chose to go. I'm sure he's dancing right now because he's in a better place.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Much Needed Maintenance

I tell you the last couple of days galloped away from me before I even knew it. It was probably due to the fact that I was in a fetal position popping Midol like tic-tacs trying to prevent pad malfunctions.

This has led to a sad neglect in biblical proportions in just about every area around here.

I finally got three big baskets of clothes folded and I threatened bodily harm if they weren't put away nicely. Lately it seems there is this rush to fight the on going list of get this done and quick finish that. I had to hurry up and balance the checkbook and get a few bills out the door and in the mail before things were cancelled - like the Internet.

We're still waiting for Hubby to get paid on a job and this has caused a major bump in the giddy-up of life for my family. All of it has been weighing me down and when I saw one more thing to add on my to do list, I felt like I just got slapped upside the head that caused my feet to slide out from under me.

But as I lay there, face planted on the floor, I noticed mutant dust bunnies where doing a coordinated dance move. And it was rather impressive as I sometimes have issues with chewing gum and walking.

Who knew dust bunnies could, um, dust in coordination?

If the dust bunnies didn't creep me out, I have a daily battle with cobwebs. What's really sad is I tried to convince myself that I was already decorated for Halloween. I thought this might work until the boys reminded me we don't do the whole Halloween thing.

I guess this means I have to clean now doesn't it?

It really was insult to injury. I was still laying there looking at all the dirt and things that need to be done that it was so tempting to just pretend to become part of the dust bunny clan. Can't beat 'em, join 'em maybe?

But before I could even get to tackle that fun pile of dirt I had some other stuff on the list farther up ahead that have been neglected much longer.

Like polishing some silver and cleaning some jewelry.

I think I would rather tackle the laundry than do this but I've been putting this off for a few months. I read on someone's blog (forgive me I can't remember who's) about fighting frumpiness. One of the suggestions was to pull out the jewelry and wear it.

Last year I just fell head first into massive who cares-itious. I had stopped coloring my hair, convinced myself I didn't deserve to buy one more piece of clothing until I lost some weight and just lived in ratty clothes etc. Thankfully I snapped out of it but it has been a battle.

I don't like how I look. In my mind nothing looks good on me. It's cute - until I try it on. There are a lot of times this has been proven to be correct.

I pulled out a picture of myself when I was 18. At the time I hated how I looked. Now I would be willing to part with some money to look like that again. It's not an age thing. It's in the present time I never seem to like how I look. I look back and think what was my problem but the right here and now is just hard to accept.

Part of the blog said that a lot of us aren't happy with how we are so we don't do the extras any more. We're busy, things to do, casseroles to make that after awhile we think what is the point?

Last time my in-laws were up I got to spend a little bit on me and it was like a breath of fresh air. Then when I went shopping again it was another lift. I've been going through my closet and realized that I've had a lot of these same clothes for years and I mean years. I started pulling things out of my closet to get rid of it.

I also went through my jewelry box. I don't have a lot of currant things because honestly I didn't go anywhere that required it. Some I'm hoping if I keep long enough it'll come back in style but I doubt it. I noticed a lot of it was looking sad and decided to clean it.

What happened next was another one of those little life lessons. I thought it was interesting that I used standard jewelry cleaner and it made my wedding ring shine but what I didn't know was it wasn't as clean as it could get.

I had some metal cleaner for another necklace and some of it got on my ring and when I rubbed it off I noticed that the ring I thought looked clean had a lot more dirt on it than what I could see. I added more and kept on rubbing and holy smokes I had a whole new looking ring.

And man did that hit me in the head!

How much of this is like life? As I sat there cleaning more dirt off, I got to thinking about how many times I think I'm doing good with something but it's not until I get in contact with a True Cleaner that really shows my true condition.

After I was all done I really did enjoy wearing my rings all clean and sparkly. I remember when he put it on my finger asking for my hand and how I couldn't stop looking at the sparkle. And guess what? Having some clean bling did put a little giddy-up in my hitch.

Every time I caught that sparkle out of the corner of my eye reminded me that I'm a treasure to God. I'm His bling. I spent time with the True Cleaner and I was sparkling.

Not bad for a diamond in the rough.

Just a little reminder to spend some time with the True Cleaner so you can sparkle. And can I just say the bigger the rock the more expensive and more valuable it is? You're welcome.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Oh Mah Gosh!

I crawled to the computer just to share with y'all that I'm thinking I may be first in line to slug Eve. I keep reminding myself that I've been redeemed from the curse and therefore should not have to suffer these killer man cramps.

I say give Sarah Palin the red button during that time of the month and there will be world peace in the land! A crazed, cramping woman that will not put up with a man's explanation will not be someone to trifle with. Just saying.

PCOS is a rather pain in the, um, ovary. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome I think is the correct terminology. The symptoms of this are just brutal at times. I look in the mirror and can say oh yeah that's what's going on. It's one of those weird nothing seems to be wrong with me but there is type of thing. I look like there is a yeti in the family as I get 5 o'clock shadow on my legs - by noon but oddly enough my hair is making a mass exodus off of my scalp. And oh mah word do I need to lose some pounds but for the most part I don't look like there's anything wrong with me.

I've done the diets, with and without supplements both under supervision and on my own but I've been told that PCOS does not respond to normal methods. For years I had to take birth control pills to try and keep the cycles normal and all that did was bring out my inner Cruellas.

That is plural for a reason.

There was the mean nasty one and when she left I truly missed her because the other one caused small children to cry and people to run away. And that just pissed her off, let me tell you!

Most of my frustration is that there isn't much to combat this other than bc pills. My Mom had a lot of female problems and had a hysterectomy by 42 and then had to get estrogen shots which later made her a candidate for cancer. Does the OB/GYN know what they are prescribing sets us up for a cancer doctor down the road? Yes, as it's a possibility that they are willing to overlook.

I think I'll take my fuzzy lip and arm load of symptoms when you compare it to say death but it's still frustrating in this day and age to deal with something no one really knows what to do about.

I'm sure you're wondering if there is a point to this and since I rarely make a point I'm saying no. I'm just out of chocolate and I've been doubled over with some serious cramps. I'm seriously frustrated about my female issues and getting no relief. Any attempts at comfort from Hubby only makes me want to slap him upside the head. I then I feel bad about that for half a second.

I can't take natural estrogen because I'm already estrogen dominate and taking more estrogen is not the right move. I can't take bc pills because Hubby said I'm too freakin' scary when I'm on them so that is not an option. So I get to endure the guerrilla warfare of hormones. Moving along with life and then bam! It jumps out at me and goes postal for a week only to slink away not knowing when it will strike again.

I'm not sure if this is God's way of preparing my boys since they don't have sisters or if this is just a sick joke. I wonder who the jokes on? Oh wait, it's me because yet again, I had a pad malfunction.

Let's just say aunt flo kicked my butt and there wasn't enough absorbent material to battle her tactical assault. This seems to happen when I'm in public. I've suffered from many a little kid saying, "Mommy why did that lady sit in some red paint?"

Now you know mah shame.

I've had to find the sweet spot on where to place the pad. If I move the pad to far back then there has been the front oops. Move it too far forward and then back explosion happens and these are with the plus size, or big Bertha pads as I like to call them.

Tampons? My body laughs at tampons. The amount of fluid shoots them out like a roman candle followed by the eww, aaaahhh! Me thinks that wasn't the desired result.

I was starting to wonder if I should just get an adult diaper even though that's not what they were made for. But I've seen little kids with cloth diapers and the bubble butt waddle walk and I'm thinking there is no way I want to expand my ham hocks cuz that is not flattering.

After looking at the calender it was over 2 months so this is turning into a tsunami but I can't find my heating pad and this is cause for an emergency. Top it off and the boys polished off the last of the chocolate.

Needless to say, I'm not a happy camper.

And then my Mom called.

My Grandma is in the hospital cause she refused to get a walking stick so tripped, fell, and broke her hip. God help her as my Mom is going to help with physical therapy. My Mom's bedside manner sucks as you can all imagine.

This all happened with my uncle having a massive heart attack. Widow maker is what it was called. They were on the same floor at the same hospital. My Dad had open heart surgery from a massive heart attack a month before I got married so actually my Mom being in the middle of the whole thing is really a good thing. She's been there, done that and knows what questions to ask while the rest of the family is in shock.

Who knew Cruella can get 'r done?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Tee Hee!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous brunette sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .'You just happened to catch my eye.'
(Thanks Holly)


I TOOK HIM BACK TO WAL-MART

My ex-husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said
My hubby has got to go!

Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair
Even though playing with fire is a crime.

But I failed at each plot 'till I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!

I took him back to Wal-Mart!
They'll take anything back, you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.

They just credited him to my Visa and said,"Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I took back his mother the next year!
They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart,


Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else?
This time of year
You don't even need a receipt!

Author Unknown
(Thanks Margie)


The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them!


MORE MAXINE:
I know what Victoria's Secret is.
The secret is that nobody older than 40 can fit into their stuff.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!


Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, 'You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.' Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.


A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is.... that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.


I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: Eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

Have a good day!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Got Out Played!

Here I sit, slightly befuddled as to how it happened. Well that's not true - she played the ultimate card.

I need money. My kids think eating is a hobby. You think I'm kidding? We just spent $400 on food - for two weeks. Boo-hoo!!!

And that was with coupons. We were just out of everything. And those trips seems the most painful.

Anyway, Cruella called back this morning. Thinking it was my Dad, I answered. Imagine my surprise to hear my Mom's voice - nice even - say good morning.

I had to run through my mental list of things I took that day - vitamins? Check. Tea? Check. Crack? No. My brain kept saying tilt when I heard a demanding "Are you there?" Ah yes, there's the angst I've come to know.

She was rather chipper knowing she was going to get me right where it hurts. She said she wants to buy the boys new winter coats for their birthday.

Dang it!

While this won't win her Grandma of the year award in the present department but it would stretch the dollar to maybe buy food.

She then pressed when we could all hang out for their day. I may be broke but I just wasn't willing to bend that far. I told her I had talked to the in-laws and they would be here that day so it wasn't going to work for them to be here.

I must insert that this is where life just gets extremely ironic. My in-laws will be staying for a four day weekend. I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry. Back in the day, this would be as close to the underworld as I would ever want to get. Now they are saving my bacon of not having to deal with my own folks.

I am coward, hear me squeak.

I think I'm confused. I'm part Cruella and part Howard. Wha? I'm afraid of myself? Hmm, that would explain some things.

I should have become suspicious when she backed off rather quickly. I kept pressing the fact that the boys would want to pick out their coats. Again with the pressing that it would go much better if she would just send me a check to cover it.

I mentioned this several times. She wouldn't answer. Which means we may be stuck.

She said maybe would could make an afternoon of it. She was being ultra smug because she knew she had me against a wall. When I mention it's supposed to s**w (that's such a nasty word) Monday we should get moving on getting the coats. She insisted we make a day of it as she doesn't want me to go to Wal-Mart to buy their crap.

Since we get our groceries there - crap tastes pretty good.

She said if she's going to buy them coats she wants to know it's a good coat. I told her there was a very nice coat that Thing2 wants that is $35. She was all excited until I said it was at Wal-Mart.

Again, I should have picked up on the fact that my pucker hole was so tight I almost vapor-locked. Something was up.

It's when the subject of Christmas rolled around was when the bird was circling to land. Mom wanted to know the boys' sizes etc. I again said let them pick out their own clothes. She made sure to give me niece and nephew's Christmas wish list.

Denial is more than a river in Egypt.

She said she's stumped on what to get my kids. I told her we've been talking about getting the boys a Wii but that would be all they got.

Not even a split second later she said they would buy it so she would be done. She hates, hates, hates to shop. So for her this just made her day - and mine as well. I came to a fast conclusion I can be bought - with a Wii.

Oh how the mighty have fallen!!

Her smugness was about off the chart because she would win back that Grandma of the year award in the present department. I also think she picked up with her alien abilities that my MIL was talking about helping us get one.

Isn't it nice to see grown adults act like a bunch of two year-olds? Wait, I take that back as I don't want to insult any two year-olds I know.

I told her it's a bit expensive and hard to find blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I found a bunch of them - at Wal-Mart. Again with the cruel sense of irony.

I told the boys if we can get a Wii they can so suck it up and put up with Cruella and Howard, I mean their Grandparents for an afternoon.

Thing1 didn't even bat an eyelash before he said that he could be bought - for a day. Thing2 was right on his heels and said yeah that could earn them a day with CJ dancing. I take it that was his yes.

What they don't know is my folks would expect, no, demand that we all get together for a Christmas gathering. As in me, my kids, my Hubby, them, and my brother's spawn - at my house. I didn't even mention the possibility of this to Hubby as I know he would say where she could shove that Wii.

I think that may null the warranty. Just saying.

I'm still sitting here shaking my head as my big girl panties ran out of the room sending me a backwards glare. I think it said I was a pansy. A panty-waist pansy to be specific. Ouch!

So here I sit, mah Interpeeps, knowing I just got totally out played. Dagnabbit!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Birthday Blues Cont. Sort Of

I think my ear is still sore. I was on the phone most of the day.

First, it was Cruella to talk about the boys. Then I talked to my MIL about the boys. Then I had to talk to the boys about - them. Then I was suppose to inform Hubby what was what but by that time I just sat there and couldn't quite get it all togetherrrr hey look a piece of chocolate!

Where was I?

Mom wanted to know what the boys wanted as did my Mother-in-law. My Mom asked to talk to the boys on the phone to which I endured a rather hilarious pantomime of them begging not to talk to her and pretending their own death.

Such drama. Must get it from their Dad. *snort*

Standing their watching my actors promising me anything and listening to the screeching demands of Cruella about caused me to crack up, uh, laughing. I told Mom to just give them money, better yet, just mail us a check and we would take care of the rest.

Kisses where blown in my direction until they saw me pull the phone away from my ear as they heard the screeching themselves. For whatever reason that isn't going to work for her.

Having my freshly laundered big girl panties on today, I snapped back that their junk isn't going to work for me or the boys.

Thing1 snapped his finger three times with extra feeling thrown in for good measure.

She did what I expected and said if we were going to be so childish and selfish than we don't deserve anything from them. I said I found that interesting because usually a gift was given with no strings attached not buying one's affections.

Thing2 fell on the floor and started bowing at me paying homage to my snarkiness. What could I say? I was in a mood.

To spare you all the details this went back and forth for a good 15 minutes. She demanded to talk to the boys and I said sorry but they are doing schoolwork. She loves to call at random times to check up on me to see if we're really doing schoolwork or just goofing off as I'm just that way.

And once again I say God bless the maker of caller id!

I had to give the boys a look to calm them down as they were about to blow that story a mile wide. Yes, they were doing schoolwork - we were all sitting at the table as they were doing handwriting but when they start cheering me on it's sort of hard to believe.

Shortly after that she ended the conversation with we'll discuss it later and hung up. The boys patted each other on the back saying they have a world class momma and gave me high fives. I told them the battle wouldn't be over just yet so no celebration.

Fast forward to conversation with MIL and had a pleasant conversation that went on for 3 1/2 hours. We were discussing birthday and when they thought they would come up. I handed the phone off to Thing2. I heard her ask him what did he want for his birthday and without missing a beat he said for Grandma and Grandpa not to come - evah again.

I had my hands in raw meat making a meatloaf or otherwise I would have slapped myself in the head. How do you tell a kid I'm defending them but they see it as open season of a slamfest?

I could argue that it's my own darn fault for being mouthy but at the same time they need to see me standing up for myself. My cousin pointed out some of the angst going on is that the boys don't like to see Mom run me into the ground. They want someone, anyone, to come to my defense.

I could be all philosophical and say if I won't stand up for me than who will? Hubby has told me they are my parents so it's in my lap not his. Gee thanks. But I find myself in an awkward position. I want the boys to respect their elders. I get worried that they'll take a joke too far or come across mean instead of it being the joke they intended. Toss in they have no respect for my folks and I'm concern that this could extend to all outside authority.

When I was back on the phone with my MIL she asked what had happened. I told her what all was going on. We both said it wouldn't surprised either one of us if they just showed up even though I made it really clear they were not to come. I told her that is the hardest - to make that step to stand up for yourself and then have it do no good. The wall didn't move.

Like I've said before the boundary book said if you have someone who will not respect your boundary line then the relationship needs to be ended for at least a time. I've tried ending this stupid thing several times since August and they.still.keep.coming.back.

It's like I'm in a really bad dream. This has caused some tossing and turning at night as I can't seem to shut my brain off. I had read a devotional about confessing the sin of strife. I sat there and thought about it. Was sitting here frustrated that things are going no where being in strife?

I went to bed tossing and turning knowing I was going to have to have a conversation with my folks and knowing they weren't going to listen. Then I was tossing and turning about the holidays and it kept going from there.

I stopped and prayed. I asked God what is the difference between standing up for myself and being in strife. (That's my brother's fav thing to say - if I disagree with him I'm in strife) He answered by saying if I'm face to face with them I'm to stand up for myself, but if I'm sitting here having a conversation in my head, plotting and planning my comebacks, and if she says this then it's go time - that is being in strife.

I think that is what was different today. I had stopped wrestling with it the last few days so when Mom called I didn't even give it a second thought and came out of the gate with both fists flying. She could tell and backed off which means I'll get a phone call from my Dad before the week is out.

Whatever. I'm entering into the rest of God - strife free. And they still can't come for the birthday.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Birthday Blues

I'm thinking of calling my husband WonderDad because that is how the boys see him. After a dreadful day of being forced to do school work by the evil teacher, evil mother shows up to demand chores to get done!

Oh the horror!

When who should appear? It's WonderDad!! Able to listen without eyes glazing over. Will actually join in on a bionicle conversation. Will give compliments that are true and genuine rather than the whatever that comes from the mother.

All hail WonderDad!

While I reload my gun.

I'm kidding!

We were discussing birthday yesterday. I'm thinking Hubs was raised by wolves as he has this weird reaction when it comes to his birthday. Either he has birthday-itous that causes him to break out in hives OR he feels guilty for breathing.

His mom is the same way. They both 100% hate their birthdays or any mention of it. Completely weird if you ask me. It's moments like this I scratch my head and ask, "I'm the weird one??? Are we sure about this?"

Some time last month was Hubby's birthday. Out of respect for him I didn't give him a gooey, gushy post of his wonderfulness status on all accounts and the only person in the world who gets me. And still stays in the room.

So isn't it ironic that he's stuck with people that actually like to celebrate life? Yeah, I get a chuckle over it too.

We have been trying to come up with something special to mark the whole teenage thing. I guess the graying of the hair isn't enough. There are some days I thought I would just let them continue to breath - out their noses - instead of their elbows. And for the most part they aren't bad but very few people have seen them in a mood or watch how they have tried to divide and conquer.

My Mom, being Cruella DeVil and all, may have been raised by a drill sergeant. She's a tough cookie and has forever told me to suck it up. I can be hard-nosed with the boys but something I do that my mom would never do is admit when I'm wrong. However, if there is a nah-nah tude with it I will take them down. Advantage of still being taller AND they are well aware that I'm willing to follow through with it.

So armed with that information they really don't push it. They don't sass me much. They tend to pull a me and go for the joke but not seeing the line of respect so don't cross. After barking a few times at them they get it. We're working on it.

Where was I?

Anyway, we have tried to come up with something and we are coming up with nothing. Again, they aren't typical boys. I read somewhere about getting a boy a sword and a bible to show a new journey into manhood needing the sword of the spirit etc.

Um, how stupid is this person? I'm thinking no. Don't get me wrong it sounds nice and all but holy smokes someone has not seen three boys + one WonderDad go at with toy swords.

They have those toy Star Wars light sabers. I have holes in the upstairs hallway from those guys sword fighting. I haven't even mention the outside swords that they can really whomp on each other. So why on earth would I give them a real blade??

I could see this going over rather well as WonderDad has a sword. They have spent hours talking and looking at swords, blades, knives, and all kinds of weapons.

While my eyes glaze over.

And what's left of my brain slowly drips out of my head. Is it any wonder why I hide in bloggy land?

I've endured hey mom check this one out. "That's nice dear" covers no way in hell are you getting that. Thinking my man would have my back he looked at me and said, "What? I thought those were cool myself."

Un.be.liev.able.

Although, after hearing that whole teens are brain dead as their frontal lobes aren't fully developed and unable to think things through, I'm thinking that would be a big N-O on the whole sword thing. I had a picture of someone bleeding with the "I didn't do it on purpose" response ringing through the air.

Whoever came up with this idea did not have boys as in more than one.

I'm thinking this will eventually be in the future - just not this coming future as in a few weeks. I'm having a hard enough time adjusting to the fact that they will be teenagers let alone armed teenagers.

There is only so much Clairol can work with here, people.

We heard something on the radio about purity rings. I was telling the boys all about it and watched as their faces turned several shades red. I don't think they are going to need a ring to remind themselves to stay pure at this stage in their life.

This is sort of a stressful time. We are coming up on their birthdays then a few weeks after that is Thanksgiving leading into the holidays. I hate that money is tight and I usually wring my hands until the whole season is done. Luckily for me, my boys keep saying there is more to life than money.

Again, shows how they aren't in touch with reality.

Their argument is that they would rather have nothing from Cruella and Howard then spend an afternoon with them. I told them that they won't send them any money or get them a gift and they both said there is more to life than money. I asked if they thought that would punish them and they said they just don't want to be around them.

And the holidays are right around the corner. Sounds like a festive time.

Yippee.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

It's The I Can't Think Of Anything Title

Can I just tell you I about slid out of my chair when I noticed that Jill Savage posted a comment on my Hearts at Home post. She just happens to be the head of it so for her to stop by caused me to squeal a very high pitch squeak that sort of sounded like a wheez.

Lord help me if Beth Moore were to stop by. I would need laying on of hands - to help me up off the floor.

I tried to tell Hubby about this. I grabbed the nearest book that I bought at the convention that just happened to be co-authored by Jill Savage. In all my excitement there was much hand moving, because really they just go together, when the book sort of flew out of my hands and right at the Hubs.

He was not amused but did manage to catch it thus saving the book. And his face.

He was starting to tease me when the boys quickly jumped in and warned him not to push me too far. When he ignored them, they persisted and finally said, "You better not or she'll blog about it."

Insert evil cackle.

I have held my family hostage by those simple little words. Words like 'that'll make a good blog post'. Or 'Hoowhee wonder what the girls would say about THAT when I blog about it'.

This has caused much fear and angst coming from the soon-to-be-teen crowd. The look of total dread washes over their faces and heck yeah I start cackling about it.

I told you there was a ban against me for any mother of the year awards for quite some time.

I had to tell the guys that in my defense I really don't say a whole lot about them. Because really it's all about me, me, me, and oh yeah ME. I'm rather limited on what I can blog about. I do use my folks as a lot of material simply because they have no idea I'm doing it.

The boys freak if I say anything about them. I happened to comment today that I was so glad that their peach fuzz had finally passed mine up. Thing2 said yeah he noticed that (and yet I let him live) while Thing1 started to get all woozy claiming I was going to blog about it.

Good thing I picked up my drink instead of the camera I was reaching for as I denied any such thing.

Yet here we are but alas no pictures.

Yet.

Another reason why I keep it on me is I don't want to make Hubby uncomfortable with anything I say about him or the guys. Matter of fact, he reads almost every post. I don't know if I should thank him or feel sorry for him. He laughs at everything which makes my day and thus establishes his number one status.

He tells me I'm funny. He's been telling me this since day two that we've known each other. I'm thinking he's may just be saying this to keep the status in his favor or because we're out of chocolate and he doesn't feel like getting any to tame the wild beast.

I can tell you as he's reading this he is going to say 'oh no here it comes'. It is true he has told me I'm funny by day two and I say day two because he couldn't remember my name.

Yes, dear. I've sunk that low that I'm willing to blog about it. It's not like I haven't told this story 5 or 670 times or anything. And what did you just say? That by day two you knew everything was going to be fair game.

I have to tease him because I have yet to let him live this down. Or forget. I whip up a quick tear with a fake little sniff when I say I didn't leave a lasting impression on him when we first met.

According to him it wasn't my name he was focusing on. Yeah, okay. Whatever.

Needless to say, when he major faux pas on the name (he called me Christina) I started teasing him something fierce. I couldn't help myself. It was like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat. Because I don't even look like a Christina. There happened to be three of them that we both knew.

And because I can be mean, I did string him on a bit before the teasing took place. After I asked him if he remembered my name and he got it wrong - I didn't correct him. Instead I asked which Christina giving him the impression that he got it right.

Can you believe he married me anyway??

So in our relationship there is much teasing to be had. For awhile our children were convinced we were fighting until one or both of us cracked up laughing. They would do the nervous laughter while they looked back and forth to make sure everything really was fine.

Now they get it and join in on the fun.

I'm starting to think I should do penance or at the very least apologize to society.

Or not.

Revenge is a dish best serve several years later and when I have no accountability.

I'm thinking the next few years will give me lot of blog fodder. And I really need to help CJ get it right as he called it blooger the other day. Sort of blog and booger meshed into one. Blooger.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Jokes For The Week

GETTING A HAIRDRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hairdryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell? ' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'


A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. The neighbor said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally he said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The friend said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?'

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life, so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

*Hee hee* Hope y'all have a great day!

Monday, October 13, 2008

So Much Fun I Hope To Do It Again Next Year

Remember how I said I was going to give an overall review of the Hearts at Home? Well this is it since I finally found the cable for the camera that was hiding in plain sight. Ahem!

It was their 15th anniversary and the theme was Moms are Magnificent.

I'll pause while you say that out loud like we had to. It's suppose to make us all feel warm and fuzzy. Or in my case I have on too many layers of clothing and haven't shaved in a few days. Wow, that was probably too much information and I'm pretty sure that is NOT what they meant. Moving on!

Okay, I tried taking several pictures but no matter what setting I put it on it was just dark and blurry. I even tried to take one of the jumbo-tron screens but that didn't turn out too well either. So we can just kiss good-bye that photo journalist gig I was hoping for. And may as well scratch off the informative reporter gig as well.

Just saying.

In between the skits and the classes there was awesome praise and worship provided by Cheri Keaggy. I got to talk to her a little bit because I skipped out of my last class. She's very gracious and has got the most gorgeous head of hair I have evah laid eyes on.


Isn't she just cute? She stood there for almost 2 minutes smiling while I tried to get the stupid camera to take the picture. She even signed my CD. Thankfully it wasn't addressed to doofus with a camera.

There are a couple songs on the Because He First Loved Us album that have just really hit me where I'm at. I love hearing a song that just says what I'm feeling.

If all the wonderful singing wasn't enough they brought out a gal that is so funny she is now my new pretend BBF. Sally had us in stitches! And since I was skipping that last class I so seized the opportunity to chat with her. She is just wonderful and it looks like she's starting to blog. I could gush about her as only a pretend BBF can do but she's so humble I wouldn't want to embarrass her.

Or come across as a stalker.

Since I suck at taking pictures I didn't take much more. I did snap a few off of the hotel who's name totally escapes me right now. So no promotional gigs as well. I tell you I am batting zero and I don't even know what that means. Lets just not keep score.

The icing on the cake was Ken Davis. Ohmyword! That man is funny. Like I said - pushed the absorbent material to it's limits. It just topped off the weekend as it should be - with laughter.

We had a great time and I highly recommend it. What jumped out at me over the whole weekend was one word - hope. I've been running into this a lot lately or more specifically the lack of it.

There have been some things that have been hard to figure out and to just weather it out - ride the storm and it just feels like my faith has taken a beating. I've been coming across this one word - HOPE - like a cool breeze across a sweaty brow.

"Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." Roms 15:4

"May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing with hope." Romans 15:13

"So brace up your mind and be sober; set your hope wholly and unchangeably on the grace (divine favor) that is coming to you when Jesus Christ (the Messiah) is revealed." 1 Pet 1:13

"I lift my eyes up to the mountains - where does my help come from?"

The whole weekend was to encourage and empower moms to keep turning to God to get His wisdom and to keep moving forward as best as we can with some laughter thrown in. I would say it was a success.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Money - I Want More Of It

I think I know why moms want to go back to work - to get paid for something that they do!!

How sad it this - I was so giddy when I got paid for jury duty I almost asked if I could come back next week. Oh yeah, I'm that hard up for some green.

Hubs let me go shopping with the moo-lah as I had endured diarrhea from all the wringing of the hands. I still feel bad but it really was a no-brainer. After the guy dropped dirty he decided to run from his probation officer - while in the very building where the courts are - full of cops.

Survey said - STUPID.

As I was going home, I was all geeked out that I actually got paid for something. I haven't been paid for a job since I was pregnant with the twins. That has been a hard one for me. I've had a job from the time I was 11. I had my own money. Then I got married and suddenly I didn't have my own money as it went to things like rent but I still felt like I was helping.

Where were all the level headed people that should have said yo! ya might not want to get married at 20? Maybe they did and I just blocked that part out.

Scary enough this brought up a conversation with Thing1. I can't remember what we were talking about that got us to this point but I said that he should have his life somewhat squared away before having kids.

He shot back that I didn't and everything turned out okay.

After I picked myself up off the floor and wiped my eyes from laughing so hard I told him that has not been the case. He pressed me on it saying I got married at 20, had them at 21, and here we are in a house and doing okay.

Clearly reality is not something he is in touch with on a regular basis.

I was telling him all the extras the house has been sucking us dry on and how long it took us to actually get into a house. I even told him how I've struggled with sitting on the side line especially when money is tight. I told him it's been a huge sacrifice to home school.

Huge is an under statement.

We've had a few years where there was no money for school books as food was more important and I had to wing it. This might explain why this year has been such a struggle on one subject. The long winded lecture was starting to kick in and not wanting to sound bitter I dropped it.

He said he still thinks we did it fine. Crazy kid.

And just like a kid, I felt the need to shop as I've found any money I try to hang on to goes to cover the little things. Since Wal-Mart screwed up my pay as you go phone in only wally world fashion can do, I had to go back and get it all straightened out. There was a one day only sale at Fashion Bug so I wanted to stop there first. I dragged the Things along with me bribing them with candy and a chance to start giving me their wish list for birthday.

Suckers!

They actually cracked me up while we were at the store. Smart mouths one, two, and three was having a good ol' time being uh, smart mouthed. When I went to go in the dressing area I gave them the look and said to stay out of the way.

While I was in there trying on clothes and trying not to see myself in the mirror, one of the sales ladies came back and told me that not only did I have two very handsome young men but they were being stinking hilarious.

Ruh-roh, Raggie.

I asked were they being disruptive to which she said heck no they are just funny as all get out. Riiiight. All I got out of the boys was they were just having a running commentary. On what I'm not sure but I think they were making fun of the other shoppers and/or the clothing.

I hope it was the clothing.

They know my angst on the too tight clothing, they are well aware of how I try to hide the jelly roll as well as the muffin tops. They also said they suspect I'm not the only woman out there that feels this way. When I walked up to them I heard them say "who lied to that designer?" in stereo. I asked what did they mean. Thing2 grabbed a nasty looking top and said "Exhibit A".

There were a few chuckles over that one which is only like fuel to a fire.

I looked at another shirt and it reminded me of my early childhood - including the same colors. Thing2 said he's seen pictures with his Grandma wearing clothes like this. Thing1 asked, "What did they do - bring all this stuff out of storage thinking people wouldn't remember it? If it's this ugly now I'm betting it was this ugly then."

A bunch of us started cracking up laughing.

I can not in good conscious sit here and type "I don't know where they got it from" and for a couple of reasons. 1) I already know you wouldn't buy it and 2) I don't want God to strike me down with a bolt of lightning.

However, I could tell they were gearing up and once on a roll there would be no stopping them so I tossed out I might look for a bra while I was there. This is a fate worse then death for them. (They are convinced that Vicki's lack of secrets is the den of devils.) So they knew and I knew that I was using the one and only trump card that I had at the moment and settled down real quick.

My new motto - if you're going to be weird, you might as well be having fun doing it.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Oy Vey

No, I'm not Jewish. I just play one on my blog.

I was so looking forward on writing more about last weekend. Did I mention that was last weekend?? Already?!? What happened to this week?

Hubby was only with the guys for one day so I left them yesterday and they got all their chores AND homework done before I got back at 2. What the hey? Thing2 is currently strapped to a chair doing history.

Oh I kid.

It's math.

When Hubby was here he got a big load of nothing done. Fixed leaky drain that is leaving a puddle in the kitchen floor? Nope! Make a few phone calls like I asked? Nadda! Help me with a grocery list? Sort of. He wanted an A for effort.

When I asked how his day was the boys ratted him out and said he read most of the day. Busted! I get the look if I pull that one. Oh, I can read all day but there needs to be something done to go with it - like dinner. Such a demanding cuss.

And speaking of dinner I got a phone call from the P.F.K.P. (people formerly known as parents) and they want to come have dinner with us - tonight. Just like that they think I can whip up a meal to feed an army on short notice.

When the silence got to a deafening level she picked up on it and said, "What? You can't come up with something to cook? Just make spaghetti."

By this time the crickets that were cued where now in the third verse of the second song. I was still trying to come up with some reason why they shouldn't even come out let alone stay for dinner but I knew I needed to come up with something fast.

Even though we just went grocery shopping I did not prepare for extras. Kids needed some clothes so had to cut back on food. Yes, we are mean like that. It's called no choice.

So now the crickets were starting to drop off from exhaustion and that is saying something. I cleared my throat and I said, "Well I told Thing1 I would make him a certain meal that is just enough for us MY FAMILY and there isn't a way to stretch it for FREE-LOADERS."

Luckily she didn't hear the mumbled part and said fine they would grab a sandwich as they are going to see a movie up here and we could expect them after dinner.

Oh could we?

I'm not sure which part gets me the most the fact that she won't ask or that she just assumes it's fine. They are sort of the same thing.

The funny part is Thing2 had answered the phone the first time and basically unbeknownst to him blew apart his Dad's excuse why they didn't get together with my brother's spawn last weekend. Hubby told my Mom that they went camping. Mom had called Sunday night and asked how it went and Hubby said it was cold and left it like that. So when she asked Thing2 how was camping he said we didn't go camping. I about had to throw a hairbrush at him to get him to shut up. I told him to tell her it was too cold.

Encouraging my child to lie.

Oh yeah, killed that mother of year award for 2015 as that's when the ban would be lifted.

It sort of lined up with what he told her. And that's part of the reason he's strapped to a chair. I'm kidding. He beat himself up so bad after I got off the phone I had to pull it back and calm him down.

I did say he was right in saying the truth and his Dad could handle whatever fall out there was. The trouble is it won't even make it to Hubby it will fall on me.

When she first called they were just going to come up and hang out until their movie. Then the second call they decided to go to movie first then come to our house and hang out and play cards.

By this time I'm almost unable to contain my joy.

Yes, that was sarcasm.

Won't Hubby be sooo happy to come home to this cheerful little scene? Hey dear not only are my folks coming out to play cards BUT they also know you flat out lied to them about last weekend.

This sort of makes me feel slightly giddy. I wasn't here, I have no knowledge of it so I can deny everything. I'm thinking I won't tell him until they pull in. *heehee*