Sunday, November 30, 2008

Tag, Bling, And Random Things

Alrighty, I got tagged by Alison. I'm to pick out the 6th photo in my folder. I feel the need to explain. Funny pictures crack me up and I sometimes think I'll write something witty to go with it. Sadly, the wit is lacking and all that is left is a post that is rather lame and a funny picture tacked onto the end. But I still hang on to stuff like this because it cracks me up.



I never claimed to be mature, you know.

And Kaye gave me some blogbling. Thanks! Since I have no idea what it means I will take y'alls word that it means something nice. Fuschia had a really good thing to go with it and if I can motivate mah self I will add the link. I wonder if it means the butterfly wants a blog - pronto?

I'm leaving this one open for grabs. I am worn out and a bit on the lazy side to link it out plus there is the wringing of the hands of who do I pass it out too and did I get everyone. Although Roxanne and Dana, I'm thinking you need to have this one.

I hope everyone had a good holiday weekend. Luckily J is not in pain but does not want to be seen until tooth is fixed. He was in tears Saturday and got all worked up and spent most of the night throwing up. Needless to say he was relieved when I said he was staying home. No dentist were open over the holiday weekend so tomorrow I'm a cracking the phone.

My folks have left around 20 phone messages all varying in tone and message. There have been the oh so fake bubbly hi guys do you want a tree topper to I hope J is doing okay with a loveyouGodblessyou and hope everything will be okay tacked on the end. Then the snippy ones as the awareness of gosh I'm being blown off has sunk in.

Good times.

Mom's last message was telling me I'm not being very mature. Well duh. Nanner nanner boo boo you ain't gonna win. How's that? If she tries to put me on a time out I'm just going to slam her with my ham-hocks and send her flying. Must have been the ice - don't know how she could have landed waaay over there. Ahem!

In case you're sitting there going "I don't get it". Ham-hock - new word for large booty cuz I'm tired of Google sending people here looking for how to get your wife to take it in the bum. Holy smokes dude! She's already married to you don't make it any worse for the poor woman. No means no. Those Aussies are crazy.

Come to think of it, I really don't remember writing anything about a bum let alone taking it. I think Google needs to screen these things a bit better. I can just imagine the traffic I'm going to get with this one.

Yes, I'm spent. Worked up kid, nasty phone messages, and strange people reading my blog - I'm done for the day! Now where are those M&Ms?

Friday, November 28, 2008

Check Please

Lots of cooking - check.
Thanksgiving the sequel for us - check.
Lots of eating - again - check.
Call myself a bloated sack - check.
Went back for seconds anyway - check.
Vow to enter a fat camp that just lets you lick pictures of food so you lose weight - check. I did say vow as in sort of promise to look into it.

Got Hubs to pull out tree and set it up all while listening to Christmas music - check.
Had to talk to Grinch jrs. - check.
Got tree decorated - check.
Shoved Wii under tree and threaten everyone - check.
Pouted because Mr. Grinch wouldn't let me unwrap it to "make sure it works" - check.
Finished decorating - uumm, no.
Put away all the totes - that's a big N-O.
Finished shoveling out dishes from sink - geez I can't take all the nagging! Where's the M&Ms? (that would be no)

Waddled back into the kitchen - check.
Eat something that I had no business eating - check.
Collapsed into a chair and bemoaned my existence - check.
Watched Home Alone with gang - check.

Making a list and checking it twice - does this mean I have to do this all over again tomorrow? Check.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Bring On The Holiday Angst

Did we survive? Yes and at the same time no.

Switzerland did turn out to be neutral but was lacking in the chocolate department. Mom was on good behavior - in front of others. Dad didn't even speak to me at all.

They brought the Wii - all wrapped and said give it to them whenever. Um, okay. What's the catch was going through my head. For Cruella to give in this early must mean she has some other weapon I wasn't aware of. Mom made sure to give both Hubby and I the impression that if niece and nephew aren't welcomed than they don't want to be around us.

I'll pause for a moment to try and work up a tear.

Nope. Not happening.

I will admit that there is a part of me that is sad that it has come down to this but another part of me is relieved. So part of myself is not speaking to another part of myself. It was the way she let us know that they are washing their hands of us first.

The down side was when Dad was horsing around with J. He kept trying to trip him but J managed to get away. On the 35th time he walked by Dad, he tripped J who landed on his face and chipped his adult tooth. Badly.

Now I got to hunt down a dentist as we don't have one cuz were ghetto like that, and see what can be done. I was so ticked off at my Dad I wouldn't even look at him. Mom, of course, tried to down play the whole thing. My aunt even wanted me to extent the olive branch because I could tell my Dad felt horrible.

Couldn't do it. I didn't yell or scream or make a scene. Remember he hadn't even said hi to me and there was silent angst buzzing between us verses Mom wanted to pretend we were all getting along. So this just sort of sent me over the edge.

My Dad has a long history of not paying attention with kids. It's even a wonder why I'm alive. One time when the twins were little, he had N on his back giving him a piggy back ride. He went to climb into the van and cold cocked the boy in the head cuz he didn't bend down far enough. He did the same thing to M two months later!! I guess he wanted them to have twin scars or something.

All of this went flying through my head. Boo-boos can be cleaned up and skin can heal. But when I looked at that messed up adult tooth and my mommy brain knew there was nothing it could do to fix it, I had to do some deep breathing. And I'm suppose to make my Dad feel better??

I sat and wondered if maybe my inability to reach out and make him feel better was indeed the result of fake Christianity. Then I said screw that how about I reach out and slap him upside the head?

Luckily for him my fakeness was on full display as I was at a gathering so I couldn't break out of character. That and I didn't have my slippers.

When we came home, Hubs and I were discussing how upset we were about the whole deal with J and how are we going to pay for this etc. He doesn't want to be seen by anyone until it's fixed. Which reminds me does anyone know a good dentist that's in the area?

Then the phone starting ringing. N said you're not going to believe who has the nerve to be calling. I knew I couldn't deal with it right at that moment. One on one it's a totally different story. I said she could leave a message.

She left this bubbly message about the tree we brought and can't find all the screws for it blah, blah and to give her a call. I looked over at Hubs and told him what she wanted. He said he always knew she lost a few screws.

Hope y'all had a pleasant Thanksgiving. Right now I'm thankful it's over and now onto the holiday rush. If you need me I going to jump into a vat of M&Ms and see if I can eat my way out OR get them stuck up my nose so it really would be death by chocolate.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Gobble Chuckles

Okay, I know I'm not the only one that is stressed to be around family. Remember to take time to be thankful if your family isn't nuts. The rest of us will be thankful we don't all live under the same roof. So if you are up to your arm pits in pumpkin pie and making some stuff put it in the oven and take a few to have a chuckle or three on me and some of my email friends.


THANKSGIVING DIVORCE (thanks Sandy)

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."


DO YOU FART IN BED?

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She insisted he see a doctor, for she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulled the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter?
He said, 'Honey you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you'.
'What do you mean?' asked his wife.
'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers I think I got most of them back in.'


MAXINE CARTOONS (Thanks Margie)









I thought those were pretty funny. I crack up laughing every time I see this picture. I got to say you should be glad I don't know how to use photo shop or I would have added some things just for the weird factor. Like placing some parsley under the arms. Talk about a sexy bird.




Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin.
God lifts you up, takes you in, and washes all the dirt off of you.
He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc.
Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for all the world to see.
I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 24, 2008

My Mom Is The DeVil - Or Just Plays One In Life

Right now I don't think she's playing. I know there are more popular movies out about vampires and such but I think she believes her people will finally be accepted.

She tried sucking the life right out of me over the phone. Luckily, for me I had just added some garlic powder to the egg salad so it contained her for the moment.

I will say it was yet another standing up for myself conversation but not sure if it made a dent in her head. I'm now looking into prices for a stun gun. I don't think pepper spray would affect her.

She had called because she wants one of her artificial Christmas trees. She wants us to bring one to cousin's house so it would save her a trip here. By all means - lets spare us any unnecessary visits.

Then it turned to when and what she wants. She decided that they, with niece and nephew in tow, will come to our house for a dinner. Doesn't ask, just tells me how it will be. She told me that she would bring a side dish and a dessert while I could do the rest. The kids could see each other and we would have a wonderful time - in her pretend world called her mind.

I said no.

You know when a toddler bumps their head and there is that sudden intact of air and then silence? That silence right before ear piercing screams? Yeah, I got to hear that over the phone.

Which still makes me wonder who is the parent and who is the child.

She told me how I'm not a true Christian and God help me because if I don't get my act together I'm going to face judgement. Which made me wonder, if I'm not a true Christian does that mean I'm just faking it?

I decided that I'm not a fake person so I had to strongly disagree with her.

Cruella then started spewing forth why I'm such a bad person, bad parent, bad daughter - oh pick the adjective of choice and you'll get the idea.

So nice for me to see a true Christian in action. Whatever would I have done without this stellar example? Although, I must say I don't remember reading about these character traits in the bible. Since I'm only faking this does anyone know what chapter I'll be able to find this under? Book of Plastic verse 6-34? Anyone?

But before she was done I did cut her off. My whole life she always told me that I was out of God's will if I didn't do what she told me to do. News flash, mommy dear, you ain't God and I don't answer to you. And you're full of it.

I did resist the urge to say nanner nanner boo boo. I could have said, "get away from me you bloated sack" but only Anna would get that.

She didn't take that news too well. I think it came as a shock to her senses or something. She came close to cussing me out a couple of times. She was going off about how she is all about restoration and I said all she's done is torn our family apart. She said 'God Bless America don't you talk to me that way'.

And then I felt myself starting to laugh. Your mind is saying don't do it but your body says too late.

I couldn't help myself. I busted out laughing so hard. I'm talking pound the table, snorting with laughter like a horse. Who says God Bless America in mid rant? Honestly? Once I could catch my breath I asked if that was her new swear word for the month. And then started laughing again.

That really pissed her off so she went off about my kids and my husband. Due to censors I can't repeat what all was said but my panda bear butt said ska-dosh. So she pulled the only thing she had left and just like a little kid, "Then you're not getting the Wii." I said I knew that they were going to pull this and that is why I said if that was their motive behind the "gift" then we don't want it.

I could tell she just realized I zinged her good and she knew that I knew. That really got under her skin so she started in again how God is not pleased with me. I said I didn't get the memo that she was the new prophet in town and I'm so sorry but until I receive that memo she could just keep it to herself. My favorite was when she said she's sorry she ever had me. I said me too - what are the odds of us agreeing on something?

She wasn't amused.

Me personally, I think she was in full vampire mode and killed off my real parents and was too full to eat me. I could be wrong but it is rather confusing that I'm genetically linked to these people.

Then the lovely email I got from Howard this evening was truly the icing on the cake. Mercy. Let's just say that Cruella didn't tell him the whole story and left a lot out. So now my Dad is demanding an apology. Okay, I may have to repent for this one but I did say bite me and not going to happen while I have air in my lungs. They sent back an email telling me that they are so disappointed in me and as their only daughter they don't understand how I have fallen so short. And since I have not honored my father and mother I was going to live a cursed life and would be cut short.

Gosh with parents like this I'm glad I didn't get the really abusive parents or anything cuz that would just be a bummer.

Part of me is amused because I've seen better performances from toddlers. So to see grown adults throw a hissy is both weird but entertaining.

I sent back an email saying that I have honored them and that thankfully I don't answer to them. I'm to follow my husband. End of story. He doesn't have to consult with them and WE will decide who WE want our kids around or how to raise them. And that WE came to this decision all on our own totally capable of making our own decision.

I finished it like this - "the manipulation, the hissy fits and the attempts at controlling are over. If you want to be apart of MY family than you can learn to play by the rules and use some common courtesy. If you find that you can not do this then so be it. But you will find that you are not welcome in our home or in our lives."

Needless to say, neutral Switzerland should be rather tense. I might have to bring a garlic wreath with me or something.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Updates

Just wanted to say a big ol thanks for all the emails and encouragement. Y'all rawk!

As it stands we are now entering into the holy crap I need therapy stage of the parent/child relationship. I'm just not sure who the child is at this point. Luckily, I'm not at the stage where tossing myself off a steep cliff is the only way to escape. Sadly, I sometimes think of ways of framing my parents for it.

Kidding!

Never to fear - they ain't coming here for Thanksgiving. I'm heading to my cousin's house who is like Switzerland - neutral zone so no fighting and she has chocolate. AND her two boys that will be heading out will be there as well. They like me better so I'll have Marine protection. Actually, they only like me better cuz I make the better side dishes but hey better is better, right?

Matter of fact, I have been told I can't come unless I bring the side dish. Do you have thee side dish that the holidays just aren't the same without it?

It's going to be a bit bittersweet without my uncle there. He wasn't the nicest fellow but isn't it weird how you get use to certain scenery? Who doesn't have crazy old uncle Larry who was always trying to get you to pull his finger?

But did I mention I won't have to put up with my folks alone? No? Didn't catch that part of it? They won't fight with witnesses around. I think I spent a few day twirling around singing - they aren't coming heeerrrreee! nanner nanner boo boo!!

I'm still trying to figure out how to respond to my Dad's last email. He had turned it all around back on me. That it was just a joke and they only have my best interest in mind. (Mercy!) And that gift is to be a blessing but leave it to me to turn a blessing into a headache.

That's me - out to ruin every situation I can get my hands on. They caught me. Totally found me out. After 30 some years they finally figured out where to put the rightful blame. Pa-lease!
This is starting to get crazy stupid. Am I the only person that has a problem with someone punching ya in the face and saying 'oh but I love you'? If I kick him in the balls can I say 'you know I love you, right?' I just don't see that one going over too well.

Mom sent an email saying that she understands I just want my ducks in a row and not to pay my Dad any attention. ??? It was a good thing I was sitting down or I think I would have hit the floor. Is there a full moon out that I wasn't aware of?

I'm thinking if I'm exposed to any more toxic fumes I'm going to need that 60 day spa treatment. I'm going for when I wake up it really will be a whole new year. I can negotiate - just get me beyond the holidays.

But on another note, I was listening to forbidden music and got busted. J is the only one that will get into it with me while the other two - spawn of their father - twitch right along with their dad and beg to turn it off the Christmas music.

Great! Now I live with 3 Grinchs. Yippee.

I told them by the end of the week I was going to make them all suffer. (evil cackling echoed through the kitchen)

And last update - y'all HAVE to go see Bolt! It is hilarious! Hubby is not a cat fan and about slid out of his chair with laughter at some of the snarky comments about cats. Ca-yute movie! As the boys say - that's a buyer.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Arg!

No, not as in pirate. As in frustration.

The email I got back from my Dad has me pacing the floor right now. Got an ear full, yes I did. Or maybe that was an eye full cuz I read it?

And it's one of those where you read and say oh no you dih-ant! That's it! It's go time you're going down!

What do you do when your opinion clashes with someone else? And it's about things from the bible. Little things like submission. They read it one way and I read it another way. Everyone has their own opinion so it could be split down they're right on point A while I'm right on point B, C, D - Z (but who's counting). Can two people be right when on opposite sides?

Right now it is more than what my brain can handle.

Maybe because I'm still buzzing from paint fumes. We were at our church helping paint and the toxic fumes was enough to make us a bit loopy.

Okay, maybe more than a bit.

But it was so bad I had to come home and take a shower and the clothes I was wearing is in the wash as we speak.

I thought all your comments were funny. Thanks! I needed the laugh.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Houston, Wii Have A Problem

There are times I would really like to slipper slap my folks so hard that when they wake up it's a whole new week. Maybe even a whole new month.

I've noticed I have some very observant children. This amazes me cuz when I was their age I didn't observe much of nothing. The boys figured out about the Wii. How did these well educated children figure this out? I didn't say a word so there goes that thought. They didn't even use any Jedi mind tricks.

Sharp cookies that they are noticed a few Wii items on the grocery belt waiting to be checked out. I tried to hide it amoungst the veggies but it didn’t work. Note to self – next time hide it under a bra or big old bag of maxi pads.

N spotted it first. I saw the wheels in his head a turning. Ruh-roh, Raggie.
He looked at me. I tried to avoid eye contact.
He scootch closer. I still refused to look in his direction.
He leaned into me knowing that he just achieved check mate.
I looked at him.
He raised his eye brow.
I raised mine.

He grabbed M and said loud enough for J to hear, "we’re getting a Wii."
M: "How do you know?"
N: "Because mom wouldn’t spend money on something unless she knows for certain we got it."

Elementary, my dear Watson, you just figured it out.

My kids are saying I'm both cheap and predictable. If I wasn't praying so hard for the rapture I would toss out the wait until you have children threat. But I rebuked that temptation and continued on praying for God to send Jesus mighty quick.

The boys were all excited about the Wii for a whole 10 seconds until N said, "Wait a second, what does she want?" How messed up is that? He already knew she was going to pull something.

I told them what she wants. She wants a family gathering. Them, us, spawn of brother that can’t be trusted, all together sitting around the table pretending to enjoy the company.

To be fair it's only one spawn I have issues with. The one that decided to share with the boys what all he learned in s*x education. The spawn I would like to drop kick through the goal post of life. Not cool to have someone else crack open a can of worms but way not cool to have him tell all the mechanics of alternative lifestyles. Got it?

Needless to say, we would like to avoid this unhappy afternoon of biblical wailing and gnashing of teeth.

What got me was the look on M's face. When he's really upset he gets these big puppy dog eyes that cuts a hole in your heart that makes you want to promise him anything under the sun just to make it all better. He had the look and asked, "What do we do if she’s mean and won’t give it to us?"

The look of sadness in this boy’s eyes was enough for me to drive the hour over there and take it by force. Hubby had to remind me we had groceries to get home otherwise it would have been go time.

I told him we’ll wait them out. By the time she figures out that we really aren't going to do things her way she won’t be able to return it. But those big puppy eyes just looked at me. I had to get this kid to laugh. I said I would slap her with a slipper that oops-adently had a brick in it. That got him to crack a smirk. I could handle a smirk.

I've had people tell me I don't take anything serious and blow me off. For me, I find this amazing because I have spent so much of my life in tears wringing my hands filled with worry. Yes, I know it hasn't added anything or changed the situation. I've tried to get my guys to attack that junk with laughter. Doesn't God say He sees the plans of man and laughs? If God can laugh it off than so can I.

This hasn't been an easy lesson for me and darn it all if he hasn’t tried carrying on the nasty tradition of worrying.

I sent an email telling my folks that the boys figured it out. I got a reply that I blew it now they will have to wait until after Christmas maybe even New Years Day - ha ha.

I'm not laughing, I said. He said neither is he. (See it's not just my mom)

The Hubs had to talk me off the ledge and swear on a stack of bibles I wouldn't go out there and make good on that slipper slapping I was talking about.

Their whole court date was reschedule which now puts this closer to Dec. December and court just brings a really bad taste to my mouth. Too much of the ghost of Christmas past for me. My kids have had a few bad holidays thanks to my folks so to see where they were trying to take this - I couldn't do it.

I emailed back that if they are attempting to use a "gift" to bribe us and manipulate us than I will buy the Wii from them or they could return it.

I haven't heard a response yet but I'm okay with whatever happens. I was telling my MIL about it and she said they would help us out to get the boys a Wii if we have to. I'm setting those boundary lines. Now I just need some reinforcements. Wonder how much a taser gun costs?

Oh, I kid. They aren't legal.

I think for Christmas I will take the Grinch’s advice and beat myself repeatedly in the head with a wooden mallet to deal with all those pesky memories.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My Eyes May Never Be The Same

Due to the land slide of emails - all three of them - I will put your mind at ease that we did indeed survive Wally world.

However, the level of survival is truly a matter of opinion.

Kerri is so right that everything is all moved around and we had the hardest time finding stuff. I was roaming the lanes muttering what could have been Yiddish or just a long stream of swear words quietly spoken. There goes that well laid plan and all that rot. Thankfully most of the grocery area was the same with only two aisles switched around.

Our train of 3 carts was getting a bit full and we almost had to get a fourth one. I about slid to the floor at the thought of pushing 4 carts full of stuff. I did come to my senses when I got a good look at that floor. So I made two of them push one cart.

That's how I roll. *hee hee*

But my attention was drawn away of how much is this going to cost when I saw the freakiest thing. No joke I couldn't take my eyes off of this kid. There was a 4 aisle debate if it was male or female.

Painfully skinny kid, as in not normal skinny, that had black hair on one side and blonde on the other side was wearing the tightest looking jeans I have ever seen. I have never seen platform boots like this before. I've seen animals smaller than these. Since I can't walk in heels without landing on my face, I was rather fascinated watching this bird like creature strutting along.

All I could think was "ha ha emo kid has to help with the groceries."

Mature I ain't.

I'm not even sure what emo is. There was goth and now there is emo. What is it? Goth light? For the kids that just aren't that dark or brave enough to fully commit? (Hey Brooke, suddenly Rainbow Bright is now making sense to me.)

M won on the debate as he said it has an adam's apple. Then we heard it speak - yup it's a dude.

As we were standing in line I couldn't help but look over at him every now and then. I wanted to give this kid a sandwich or fifty. His cheek bones were sticking out and his face was gaunt. There is no way that he's that naturally skinny.

I looked at their two carts full of stuff. I looked at our three carts full of stuff. I looked back at the skinny little skeleton ready to offer him a cart when I noticed he was glaring at me by now.

This made my mind switch gears. If you dress like a freak to get attention why do you get mad when people stare? If women have their girls on display why do they then tell a guy he's a perv for looking? I wanted to ask that of his sister and/or girlfriend.

We never did get that one figured out. They pulled an Angelina Jolie and brother smooch off that made me revisit my dinner and questioned if that really was a wise choice of consumption.

When children hold up their hands across their eyes to serve as a censor, you might be a floozy.

Luckily for them, they slunked off with the rest of their clan before I could have asked questions. I have done that before. When nose piercings were getting popular I couldn't resist being the smart mouth that asked "if you blow your nose does snot eek out the side?"

The look I got from that question was priceless.

This, of course, leads to other ponderings. If a woman gets her n*pple pierced and then later in life br*ast feeds will it be like a three way spigot? (I'm using * cuz last thing I need is google to send questionable people to my blog looking for something I'm not offering.)

Wha? I'm the only person that thinks like that? Phooey.

There are a few others out there that are just as sick and twisted as I am. I'm thinking of calling Fuschia Magenta now. It's all in the pink family so she really can't complain. And since I was doing Blue's Clues impersonations up and down the aisle to the point that all 4 of my guys were ready to force me to walk home - you've got it coming.

I'm also thinking of my brotha' from anotha' motha' who I heard was calling me Po-anna thanks to the Kung Fu Panda post. I saw this picture and gosh I can so see this being him when he's all old and wrinkly.

At least I'm in good company. The spooky part is this is so my Dad. The guy even looks like him. He would be the jerk pulling the plug laughing. Do I make sense now?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Sad Post That Should Be Deleted

I guess I should warn you. There isn't much here right now. My mind is just sort of mush right now. Granted it's late. I'm tired. So I actually have an excuse. I got asked too many questions at once and that must have short-circuit the wiring.

At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

It's been a long day but at least progress was made. I'm just not sure what progress. Laundry was ignored, dishes was pushed to the side, and several other things went neglected.


Right now I want to climb into bed and not get up at a decent hour. I want to get up at a totally indecent hour for maximum sleepage.

BUT I can't as I still have to load up the dishwasher and still work on that darn grocery list. Oh yeah and come up with a blog post that won't totally bomb. So far it's not looking pretty.


I've actually have learned that it is critical to have a list as well as meals planned out. We have to go every two weeks. So I have a list of things I'm forced stuck cooking for those two weeks. I can look at my meal list and try to pretend what I feel like cooking, but I at least know I have the ingredients to make it.

This also helps so I know when I got to thaw what when. And because I'm married to Mr. List Maker (freak) I have learned a few things along the way. I picked up from
DeeDee a while ago about the longer time you spend in the store the more money you will spend. To cut down on time she suggested getting a layout of the store and then make your list accordingly.

Brilliant!

Because my mind never thinks like this and would never in a million years come up with it. However, I can be taught as well as steal borrow other people's ideas.

I typed up the aisles, printed this off, and then make my list. This has actually saved us a lot of time. I was always forgetting something and would have to circle back. Not any more. Everything we need from that aisle has been marked down so I don't go on to the next one until I get everything off the list. No turning around because I forgot.

Years ago I would have fallen on the floor laughing at the thought of being slightly organized. Thanks to the miracle of a freakishly organized Hubby and having children has forced me into survival mode. This or-gan-izing junk has slopped over into all areas.

Which brings a tear of joy to Hubby's eye.

Actually, I think he deserves a metal because I have caused his organized mind to freak both knowingly and unknowingly on my part. The sad part is once I knew it irritated him I took some tiny amount of pleasure of doing things to mess with his head.

Like reversing the toilet paper roll. On purpose.

Honestly, who cares which way it goes? Apparently he does and it would just wreck his world and all would not be right in his mind.

I'm still debating if it ever will be right in his mind but that's another topic.

Oh mah gosh I totally lost any point I was trying to make! I'm sitting here doing the Winnie the Pooh - think, think, think - nope nothing. Yet another bear I relate to - stuffed with too much fluff.


And not too bright.

This is sad. This is a sad, sad post. I should delete this because it's so sad. This is Hubby's way of paying me back for mocking him. Cwap! I wonder what else his secret ninja mind powers can do? Hey! Suddenly some things make some sense around here. I'm so going to need to get him back.


Wonder if brussel sprouts are on sale? (evil cackling)

What tricks do y'all use to survive the dreaded loading of the carts? Am I the only person out there that is highly irritated over coming up with meals to make? There are meals that are requested that make me want to shudder, gag, or sigh.

And why is it when I'm making the list and trying to figure out what to make that no one has any suggestions but after grocery shopping is done I get several suggestions? And why is it that what is on the list gets met with groans? I tell the guys speak now or be stuck with whatever I feel like making.

I was hoping that would motivate them but sadly this hasn't helped. This of course reminds me of my childhood and I vividly remember doing the same thing to my mom.

Dagnabbit.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Finally

After years of suffering through many a kids movie with blah characters I can finally relate to one.


We can't stop quoting this movie. My favorite line: "I'm not just a big fat panda. I'm thee big fat panda."

Hubby's is: "He's a panda. You're a panda. What are you gonna do, big guy, sit on me?"

You know what I like? Panda's are suppose to be big and squishy. If you see a thin panda you think they are sick cuz a panda is suppose to be big.

Leigh sent this to me and I think it's fitting.

GONNA BE A BEAR

In this life I’m a woman. In my next life I’d like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re suppose to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re momma bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Something Good Is Going To Happen

I just know it! How else can you explain this whacked out crazy week?

This has been a funky week. Stuff here, stuff there. Something with this person and something with that person. It all had the same beat, the same message running through it. All of it made me hit the floor praying.

Okay, God, what is going on?

Massive rejection issues where flying around from every angle and, this time, this time I saw what was going on. I saw beyond the hurt to see who and what was behind it. Holy smokes for this much stuff to come out of the wood work must mean that something good is coming down the line!

There.has.to.be!

I've tried writing a post for the boys on their birthday and this special place in time and yikes it's hard to write something good about your kids when you want to wring their necks. Get that all settled and then something else would get me off track and just not in the mood to do it.

I know for them they could care less. They don't read this and they would prefer I not put it out in public but rather keep it private. *Sigh*

A lot of it isn't even their fault. Like I said there has just been some yucky junk floating around and the building up of it has just been crazy. Family issues, money issues, marriage, kids, church, people - it just seemed to come to a nasty head of rejection in one week.

And to that I say, satan is a liar.

Rejection issues. Who hasn't struggled with this on one level or another if not all of them?

When I went to my uncle's funeral I brought along Joyce's teaching on root of rejection. I have listened to this a long time ago but felt the need to listen again. I'm glad I did! I think it helped me see some things from a different perspective.

So many people I've been talking to keep saying for such a time as this. I was reading in the book of Esther where that came from and so many things were hopping out at me. Those girls had to go through preparation for a year before they could even set foot in front of the king.

Thank you God that we already can go to the King of kings!

I think God is moving a lot of women for such a time as this but He's not going to send them out unprepared. I think a lot of us, myself here big time, need to throw off the rejection and to move when He says move. God likes to use the weak, the small, the rejected to confound the strong, the wise, the accepted.

It's not an I did this but God did this and look at what instrument He used.

And I think that is why that rejection wants to press in so hard. I'm watching this with my youngest and he wants to be accepted so bad. The junk that comes at him to get him to back up and off of things just makes me mad. Why? Because I've been there! How many times have I gotten slammed for stuff and the pain will cause me to back up? More than I care to count.

Thanks to that Star Wars song I was thinking of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade which is my fav of the four. There was one part where they were to pick out the cup of Christ. The first person picked a cup that you would think duh this is the cup of a King. But to quote, "He chose poorly."

The right cup was a humble one. And one that was overlooked.

Let me tell you, that pounding? That thing that just wants to pound you into the ground and into dust that wants to say who do you think you are? Go sit in a corner! That is nothing but a lie. A defeated foe and his time is running out.

I know I'm not the only one that has struggled with this. One of the things I think the enemy will try to use is that hopelessness. There is too much to do, there is too much to overcome, and the thought of another fight is weary.

Today I was weary. I came home from bible study and had to lay down. Too much stuff going on and I wanted - needed - to just sleep and not think.

Wouldn't you know my folks had to call a couple times? Isn't that just like satan to try and keep us stirred up about something to steal that peace?

I know I heard from God on some things. Even though I'm not happy with the outcome on a few of them I know that something good is going to happen because God is in control. I'm not happy with some things right now but I know that He's working it out.

So I'm choosing to enter into His rest because Faith isn't just believing God it's knowing He will do something about it.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

And Yet I Answered Anyway

Riiing!

Looks at caller id. Muttered swear words overheard by spawn and glares were exchanged.

Clears throat, "Hello?"

"Jo?"

"Yo?"

"Well we got some good news and some bad news."

Me: "Gosh Dad, why doesn't that give me warm fuzzy feelings?"

D: "What do you mean? I'm warm and fuzzy."

Me: "Yeah, when you say good/bad news there is a part of my stomach that does this really weird flip-flop move. Not sure if it's trying to jump out and crawl away or if it's constricting to barf."

D: "You're such a pessimist."

Me: "So you've said. Repeatedly. Who would have thought I would turn out so bad with award winning parents?"

D: "There's the sarcasm I've come to know and love. So are the boys all excited?"

Me: "Why would they be excited?"

D: "Birthday."

Me : "Last week. Now it's just sort of embarrassing. Cakes over, big day done."


D: "Well you were busy, we were busy."

Me: "Could have sent a check. Grandma did and she's in a wheel chair."

D: "She gets around. Besides I want to see their smiling faces."

Me: "They've smiled at you recently? Wonder if it was gas?"

D: "Har har. Anyway - good news! Court date has been bumped so we won't be at your house early."

Me: "And the bad?"

D: "It will be next week."

Me: "So what was the good news?"

D: "We will be at your place in the afternoon rather than in the morning."

Me: "Yeah bad news. So what is the good news?"

D: "Ha ha that's funny. We'll be up in the afternoon."

Me: "Oh. I mean, yippee."

D: "So have you decided when we are getting together for Thanksgiving?"

Me: "Um, no."

D: "Why not?"

Me: "Been busy."

D: "When are we getting together for Christmas?"

Me: "I have no clue and that is more than a month away. Not even thinking about it."

D: "We're family and we need to be together."

Me: "We shall see what your parole officer has to say about that."

D: "Nothing makes you happy."

Me: "So I've been told by a handful of people. I disagree but I noticed when I have a difference of opinion I'm told I'm difficult. Ever notice people who make you upset are the first to say calm down? Why is that?"

D: Chuckling, "One of those Murphy's Law thing."

Me: "I'm ready to form a posse and take down Murphy."

D: "Hmm, I think I'll make a bunch of signs that say 'I'm Murphy' and start pinning them on people I don't like so your posse will take them out."

Me: "Suddenly I make sense."

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Star Wars Geeks Unite!

I saw this on Navel Gazing at it's Finest blog and I can't stop watching this. Too funny!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Good Clean Chuckles

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look.
He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'


CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.


There once was a man who had nothing for his family to eat. He had an old rifle and three bullets. So, he decided that he would go out hunting and kill some wild game for dinner.
As he went down the road, he saw a rabbit. He shot at the rabbit and missed it. The rabbit ran away.
Then he saw a squirrel and fired a shot at the squirrel and missed it. The squirrel disappeared into a hole in a cottonwood tree.
As he went further, he saw a large wild 'Tom' turkey in the tree, but he had only one bullet remaining.
A voice spoke to him and said, 'Pray first, aim high and stay focused'.

However, at the same time, he saw a deer which was a better kill. He brought the gun down and aimed at the deer. But, then he saw a rattlesnake between his legs about to bite him, so he naturally brought the gun down further to shoot the rattlesnake.

Still, the voice said again to him, 'I said 'Pray, Aim high and Stay focused.' So, the man decided to listen to God's voice.

He prayed, then aimed the gun high up in the tree and shot the wild turkey. The bullet bounced off the turkey and killed the deer. The handle fell off the gun and hit the snake in the head and killed it. When the gun had gone off, it knocked him into a pond. When he stood up to look around, he had fish in all his pockets, a dead deer and a turkey to eat for his family.
The snake (Satan) was dead simply because the man listened to God.

Moral of the story:Pray first before you do anything, aim and shoot high in your goals, and stay focused on God.
Never let others discourage you concerning your past.
The past is exactly that, 'the past.'
Live every day one day at a time and remember that only God knows our future and that he will not put you through any more than you can bear.

Do not look to man for your blessings, but look to the doors that only He has prepared in advance for you in your favor.
Wait, be still and patient: keep God first and everything else will follow.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I Am Tired!!

Well, the guys made out like some serious fat rats with a ton of cheese! I've been too busy to even think about writing a post about them.

Bad me.

They were very blessed on a lot of levels. Although I think my in-laws are trying to buy their way into our hearts.

They had me at cha-ching.

I got to go shopping with my MIL and once again her shopping anointing was working it. Not to mention her checkbook. I like shopping with my MIL. My Mom hates to shop not to mention we do not have the same taste in clothes. My MIL and I like similar things.

If you would have told me this years ago I would have rebuked you in the strong name of Jesus and washed your mouth out with soap. I will say the woman is obsessed with purple but she is really good at matching up jewelry and colors.

I already knew she said I get her shoes if she should croak anytime soon. She then told me that I get her jewelry and purses as well.

I told her she needs to stop telling me these things so I'm not tempted to poison her for her collection of stuff. She knows I'm kidding. We started teasing Hubby that I'm going to need a whole room devoted to all that stuff. My FIL said how about I take it now so he can have another room for his stuff. This of course started a heated debate between the two.

We did have a good visit with them and what an answer to prayer that has been. The boys are getting over wishing their Grammy would smack the snot out of Cruella so I think progress is being made on all fronts.

My folks did call on the boys' birthday and the plan has changed a few times as to when they are coming out to give them their gift. Why does everything have to fall on Thursday? I'm busy on Thursdays. He said they have a court date Thursday and want to drop off the keys to their place just in case.

You have got to be kidding me.

I asked if there is any reason to be concerned. His usually answer of hope for the best prepare for the worst doesn't bring much comfort to my mind. He said they have done everything they were asked to do (this time). He said he thinks everything will go fine.

Then he tells me that Mom's got foot surgery all lined up first of the year so hopes things will go fine as jail time would wreck those plans. Brilliant deduction there genius.

After I got all caught up on family news and discussing the weather, he starts in with the laying on of the guilt on how we are family and family needs to get together on holidays. Isn't it a little early for the holiday guilt? I told him we have been so busy that I haven't even thought about holiday stuff.

But I have heard Wii will be happy this Christmas. I offered to store it for them just in case. He said that might not be a bad idea. Yippee.

Friday, November 7, 2008

A Brief Recap

We got the boys Guitar Praise. This is a Christian version of Guitar Hero and it just goes to a computer.

The boys loved it! I totally rawk! At least that's what the boys said.

This is cool. I snuck up behind N to see of I could get a picture of it. I am loving the music on this thing!
Red velvet cake with homemade white chocolate frosting. I sort of had a hard time with this frosting this time around. It turned into spackling! Almost looked like Hubby frosted it. But at least it stayed on the cake. Slapped that bad boy with some ice cream - Yum-O!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Teenagers Are In The House!

Can't you just feel the angst? I'm just not sure who's - theirs or mine. I must say I am feeling a little bit better about the whole teenage thing now that I'm armed with some info. Now all I need to do is have a day to myself and finish the book!

Sorry for the poor quality. Old picture old scanner and I can't figure out how to fix it. I'm still trying to come to grips that they aren't this size any more.

Now I see them gaining on me and finally their fuzz-stache is passing mine. The voice cracking has been down right funny but God help me if I snicker at the wrong moment. Just today Thing2 was singing away while in the shower and let out the loudest voice cracking squeak during his solo. I about slid out of my chair from laughing so hard. Luckily for me he wasn't aware of this. Nor were his brothers around to witness this so they couldn't rat me out.


And speaking of angst - all three of them have loudly complained about what I refer to them. The Things do not want to be called Thing1 and Thing2 and Curious J does not like that either.

Fine. Be that way N, M, and J. Thing1 is N the one in the green while Thing2 is M the one in the blue. This picture was taken months ago because lately if I try to take a picture I get glared at.

I've heard this is normal but no one knows for sure when it will wear off.

I will write something a little bit later in regards to their birthday. Not sure I can do this right now. I was looking at old pictures and oh mah gosh I was snotting myself.

There are tears and then there is the ugly cry. I was waaay beyond ugly cry.

I've been battling some momma guilt a lot lately. I was at Wal-Mart a few weeks ago and I saw a lady there with a bunch of little ones. One was pestering her while she was talking to her husband and she snapped at him. It was almost like it was me - momma say knock you out. I saw the look on that little boy's face and oh it has cut me to the core.

I've been that tired mom that has snapped at her kids just like everyone else has. There was just something the way he looked at her that you could tell it crushed him and I've seen that same look in my own kids' eyes at one time or another. And don't you know that has just hounded me?

I give God all the credit for how my guys are. They say and do things that just amaze me. How they are turning out so well when I've blown things is a testimony to God's grace. That has been something that has been pressing hard on me. For them to turn out well and to go be a success at whatever God calls them to do.

That has been some serious pressure too! I was talking to another home school mom and we said that it seems to come with the home school package that you didn't realize came with the school books. Like warning if you screw up, your kids are screwed for life.

But looking at old pictures - mmm. I had Sunrise Sunset from Fiddler on the Roof going through my head and that took the ugly cry to a whole new level. I'm just a gooey ball of some serious emotions right now. I can't even claim it's that time of the month.

And just because my life can't seem to run at a smooth pace, my folks have gone MIA. I think my Mom is still down in Indiana helping out with my grandparents. Right now I don't know and I don't care. I'm just hoping they aren't going to show up sometime this weekend as my in-laws are already on the way up.

Matter of fact, they should be here in another 10 minutes.

Like I said I'll try to get it posted later. But right now I got to get before the in-laws walk through the door or I'll never get to bed.

Sniff.