So much for my great plan of I can blog and do it all. In-laws are on the way up while I try to clean this place all while finishing up my grocery list. We should get done just in time for the in-laws to help bring in groceries.
I can dream, can't I?
Needless to say my brain said kiss my grits and ran out the front door. Sadly, it took my keys and burned rubber while peeling out the drive-way. If that wasn't enough the Christmas tree lights died as well as one of the Wii controllers.
This better not be a sign of things to come. Wonder if Cruella is in the area for this many things to go bad. My MIL and my Mom HATE each other. Maybe I should sell tickets?
Hope you have a better life than the drama I seem to roll with. Um, I think I'll go hide in a corner and see ya next year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
So much for my great plan of I can blog and do it all. In-laws are on the way up while I try to clean this place all while finishing up my grocery list. We should get done just in time for the in-laws to help bring in groceries.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
My Wii flabby arms are a bit sore but thankfully it won't keep me from posting. However, no Internet since Saturday sure will! Nasty storms knocked out a bunch of stuff around here. We didn't lose power but no Internet.
The rain has melted almost all the snow but I hear more is on the way. In-laws are coming up for a full weekend so I'm not sure how much blogging I'll get done.
Cruella is up to her old tricks. We had a very quiet Christmas. That must have been my Christmas gift. Now she's back with a vengeance as she has niece and nephew. She had niece call me up all in tears that she would really like to see us. This girl is her mother's daughter and knows how to work it. All I said was I don't know and she said fine be that way and tossed the phone to my Dad who then yelled at me for getting her upset. She has done this since she was two and yet they still fall for it.
It's too bad that she got the crazy gene, I'm just not sure which side of the family infected her. There are threats of them coming over anyway as I can't tell them what they can and can't do. My Mom said the unemployment is God's judgement against us because we aren't walking in love aka taking it up the tail pipe and doing whatever they tell me to do.
Somewhere out there, my real family exists.
But other than that I've had a great time with my guys. There was a lot of trash talking about who was going to get whooped. Hubby and I waited until they went off to bed and then we practice the Star Wars sword fighting game. We held our own and the spawnage are a bit miffed. *hee hee*
I think the bowling can't be right. I am the gutter ball queen and I have yet to have one. I mean, I actually got a certificate for the most gutter balls once upon a time. I told the boys this and they were on the floor gasping for air with laughter. They wanted to see it and I said that wasn't a compliment so I didn't keep it. Nice to know the embarrassment of how bad I stink at bowling could cause joy and happiness years later.
I had some wonderful time with God and am now being challenged to be better with time management. Truly, God has a sense of humor. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed with life and it was nice to just sit back and have time with Him.
Time is something that keeps coming back to me. Running out of time, what am I making time for, and how am I spending my time. I can see where I've been out of balance on some things. Now the challenge of putting it all together.
I hope y'all have had a great Christmas and looking forward to the new year.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Holy snow, batman! We have a ton of snow. Forget white Christmas - think buried alive. And we're getting dumped on right now. I heard 5-10 inches. Yuck. This was my van this morning and by this evening you could barely see the rest of it.
Thankfully, I haven't had to go anywhere. The boys have been buzzing on sugar and anticipation. It was so bad I forced them to do school work yesterday and today just to chill them out. Tomorrow should be ugly. I think all bets are off.
It's been an interesting few days. Hubs came home late last night to announce he's probably going to have to get unemployment as there aren't any jobs for the new year. I've tried not to freak out. Some moments I have it together and other moments I'm about ready to swan dive into a vat of chocolate.
Last Saturday we took the boys to the dollar store. We walked through the store and gave everyone suggestions and then we all walked back to the van. We sent one kid in at a time to do his shopping - alone. They loved it. They all said it was really weird going into a store all by themselves.
When they got home, one at a time they had to wrap up their gifts. Suddenly they looked at me with new admiration at all the wrapping I've done. I purposely picked out a coffee mug as those are a bear to wrap. I'm evil like that.
Yesterday, I made cookies with N. We talked about this and that and I could tell he loved it. Today I did another batch of cookies with M, and again talked about this and that and could tell he loved it too. They both showed it totally different.
M's conversation sparked a sit down discussion for all the boys. Misunderstanding on a few things that was causing some angst among the ranks. After it was all said and done everyone was okay. J and I got all comfy and watched two Christmas cartoons back to back.
After that was over, all four of us played video games. I am awesome after all. I grew up in the arcades. The four of us have been known to log in some serious hours in video land. We were playing Medal of Honor and dang they mopped the floor with me. I used to be good but I've had my butt handed to me. It's been truly sad but the boys all said I am the best Mom in the whole wide world.
We watched The Polar Express tonight. Love that movie. Just believe - oh how that can be applied to so many things. We're going to watch Elf tomorrow afternoon after another round of video blood bath and then after our Christmas Eve feast - The Grinch.
So I've been racking up the Mom points while dropping the blog ball. I'm taking the rest of the week off. Something tells me Wii will be a bit busy.
Merry Christmas!! May you spend some time with the Prince of Peace.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it....Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY :
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies."
I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Hi, it's Joanna's brain again. She's not available right now as I ran away from her laughing like crazy. Amazingly enough she came to the conclusion not to go anywhere - all this without me to assist her. It's a proud moment.
She spent the day baking, cleaning, battling the laundry, helping with schoolwork, wringing hands about bills, and more cleaning. It got very boring so I bailed out on her. At least I didn't have to bail her out so this is progress.
Thought I would toss up a few funnies since our resident nut is sitting in the corner muttering. Something tells me the post she would write would be R rated so I'll try to distract her with some chocolate.
I did try to fix the photo but it wouldn't let me so sorry about it but it is funny.
SUMMARY OF LIFE OF ALL STAGES:
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Its frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
At age 4 success is...not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 17 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not piddling in your pants.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
was the thought that went through my head.
I've only had the spawn remind me how many days until Christmas like a gazillion times and that was just today. They finally took my name off the naughty list when I produced the cookies. I guess that's score 5 for nice and 15 for naughty as I noticed that my children smelled like corn chips. Not a yum corn chip smell but an oh mah gawd corn chip smell.
Fabreeze air fresheners is making a killing off of me as that is the only way I will enter their room armed with the can.
But sadly, I couldn't pick up my beloved man in a can that will battle the stank rather than create it. Why do you ask? Because by the time I was at the air freshener aisle it was already getting ugly. And I'm not talking about the air.
I don't think I should have left the house today or maybe even the rest of the year. It's just been one of those weeks. So when we loaded up the van and headed to Stuffmart I should have known it wasn't going to go well.
It was a bit crowded and I stress out in crowds. So when I say crowded I mean crowded. As in 2 out of 3 children got ran into with a grocery cart. I was already dealing with my last nerve, and that last nerve is one crusty broad. She will reach out and touch someone. Luckily, I was blocked off and couldn't reach the offending party.
What was extra special was the lady had the nerve to tell me my kids were in her way while her demon spawn was attempting to pillage my cart. At least he was until I returned the favor and introduced him to the business end of the cart.
Nice -5; Naughty - 21.
What a little screamer, btw. The way he was rolling around on the floor was a bit of an over kill but when he started to point at the ceiling and said 'it's white - I'm seeing white' I started to get a little concerned. (wink, wink)
I did what any tired woman would do - kicked the kid out of the way and ran like hell.
I am, of course, kidding. But see what my mind will come up with when I'm pushed past the point of no return?? (And run into another tired mom and we swap stories.)
It was crowded, 2 boys did got bumped into, and there was a rude lady with a brat child that I so wanted to turn into a speed bump - and then back up over him and try again - and again - and once more for good measure. So it's not a total exaggeration.
But what got me wasn't the other people - it was one of my own crew.
I'm looking at my list, checking it twice (I couldn't resist) when I heard this HUGE crash. I whipped around to see a whole cookie display knocked over with packaged cookies tossed as far as the eye could see. Gave a whole new meaning to tossing cookies.
And that's when I heard that last nerve say, "It's go time."
People, sirens should have gone off warning the masses of imminent danger. Elvis was wheeling himself out the building as fast as his dead carcass could move. It's moments like this when we gave up having a cuss jar because we wouldn't be able to afford the fallout.
My eyes were searching out the guilty party ready to shave a few years off their lives when the guilt drew me to my prey.
It was Hubby.
"You??? You!" I hissed.
The older two were trying their best not to laugh themselves stupid because I have warned them of the dangers of stupidity. And this would have ranked right up there.
What didn't help matters, was that last nerve was still a bit peeved at Hubs while at Taco Bell. Yet another brilliant moment of hey lets go to the mother of all fart makers for dinner and then let me follow my 4 guys up and down the lanes as I try not to gag.
I walked by him and pretended like I didn't even know who he was. I figured this was the only way to spare me from my kids reinstating the cuss jar and with work a bit slow I didn't feel like taking out a small loan to cover the fee. I was also smart enough to know that this could have been blackmail material years from now.
Even a fool will seem wise if he holds his tongue - tonight I wisely put it to work and kept on shopping not saying a thing.
But wait there's more.
Hubs must have decided it was rather rude of me to sign the word @$$h*le and left him on clean up duty alone because dude booked down every aisle leaving me to hunt for everything in each aisle. I don't know if there was a huge sale and everyone had shopped that day or if some sicko was out hiding things and randomly shoving stuff in different areas. The result was an extreme scavenger hunt.
That last shredded nerve was starting to pulse.
I would have chalked it up to paybacks as I had walked by him BUT I was still shopping. I would find him around the corner just standing there. I had to yell down the lane if he grabbed X, Y, or Z which he said didn't know we needed those.
"Of course you didn't." I muttered bitterly.
It was right at that moment with my mouth hanging open that I walked right into a Taco Bell bomb.
It was a silent drive home. At least it was for me as I had my head hanging out the window on the way home. There was only so much my senses could take.
This left me wondering how does he do that? One day he's encouraging me the next day he's killing me. I wonder if I can find any candy coal to put in his stocking? I also bet the feeling was mutual as I didn't keep the wood burning stove going today and he knew I was going to blog about this.
Nice - 5; Naughty - 37. Making your spouse just as crazy as you - priceless.
"Oh, I'm getting nuffin for Christmas cuz we got screwed over from a jerk. Oh, I'm getting nuffin for Christmas cuz everyone said I was bad."
I choose to see that as a compliment.
But I will say, this was only Wednesday and I'm now a bit skeert of the rest of the week.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Today, Hubby was home - again.
My Mom called and attempted to be a Mom by telling me I sound tired and need to take some time for myself. Do tell.
My brain crawled out of my head and went screaming down the hall when I realized I need to do a grocery list. This was shortly after I was informed that the boys were out of underwear and oh yeah I haven't done any baking.
Hubby had to coax me out of a corner with some Hershey kisses - so I would cook dinner.
Today needs to be over.
I just finished a double batch of those melt in your mouth
crack sugar cookies and whenever I can come up with some brilliant post I'm off to do some snickerdoodles.
Trouble is I got nothing going through my brain just a disturbed version of jingle bells. This is not looking good for the home team. Margie sent me a funny and I needed the laugh so I'm sharing it. Because I really have nothing worth typing.
Snopes says this was written by Jeff Foxworthy and is in one of 1996 books that states "My life's stories, only 50% lies so really don't know if this is true or not, but it is hilarious. Please forgive, but I am still smiling after a good laugh. MS (PS the original email says it appeared in 1999 Louisville Sentinel but snopes says there never was a paper by that name.)
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... only women would be able to drag a fat-a$$ man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Oh you know you want to laugh! Hope tomorrow is a much better day.
Monday, December 15, 2008
I was reading a devotional this morning and it had the snippet where Jesus came to give us life more abundantly. This, of course, got me right into prayer mode of okay, Lord than what is up with this junk we got going on?
Oh Life, how you are not cooperating right now.
Continuing on with our many adventures of the DeVils, I had yet again another wacky and zany encounter with them. First, they had called and wanted to run the money out for the dentist and I said send a check. Silly me. I should have known this would have been a problem.
Check arrived - with a little extra. Went to bank to cash it as I was going to pay off dentist and use the extra cash to actually Christmas shop. Again, silly me. Bank refused their check as they didn't like how my folks signed it.
But, of course, they didn't as the DeVil's can't do anything like a normal person.
It looked like :Consumer-Transaction: :Howard-The: Coward: No cursive just printing and no that isn't his real name. (All names have been changed to protect the guilty). The gal was so apologetic but I said I wouldn't cash it either as my folks are stupid.
It's like they have two speeds stupid and re-stupid.
So I had to call my folks and inform them that the bank said they are retards and won't cash their check. Hubby had a short day and we were to do our shopping but now no cash. Ba humbug to you too. We had to met them at a half way point to get the cash and hand them back their crappy check.
I was sitting there waiting for them, as they can never be on time, trying not to seethe. If my Dad wasn't an idiot and busted up J's tooth I wouldn't have had to take him to get it fixed. I wouldn't have wasted a trip to the bank and now to sit and wait on them.
Once they showed up they wanted us to climb in their car and give us an update. Like how they came a nano-second of getting tossed back in prison. No warning, just hey they almost tossed our butts back in the can (so we could screw you over for yet another holiday and leave you high and dry again). Not that I'm bitter or anything.
They have this amazing ability to make my insides seize up. I think it's a gift. Hopefully, it will stop giving.
We made very small talk, took the cash and hightailed it out of there. On with the shopping. Which was another sad little tale all on its own.
Hubby did a job for a guy that works with them. It wasn't his job and I guess it was a friend of a friend type thing. Yeah, they still haven't paid them for this job that took place back in the fall. Again, it wasn't Hubby's job so he couldn't put a lien on the house or do anything. This friend strung his friend long enough for the time to run out. Then he announced he's not going to pay it.
Plaster isn't something you can go rip back off the walls and salvage. So this has seriously left us gimping along as we didn't have $500 to just give away and completely emptied our savings account. Living on the edge must be the theme we have going on right now.
Just leaves things so joyous for the holidays.
There are times I struggle a lot with feeling abandoned by God. Trust - what is that? I want so desperately to trust Him but I find myself freezing up and not following through. I trust You God but... I've heard many a preacher say get your big but out of the way.
It's hard to keep the faith at times. The cares of this world seem to get louder and louder and God's voice gets softer and softer. It seems there is one thing after another to get me to lose focus. Then sometimes in all the unexpected yuck something nice happens - friends give us some eggs and deer meat, and our neighbor gave us a gift card.
Believe me anything to help with feeding this crew ranks right up there with gold.
I asked God why is it sometimes He just spoon feeds us - just that enough for the moment. He replied that's all I'll received sometimes and other times it's to get me to keep reaching out to Him.
Hubby didn't work today and I asked him if we could just take a break from everything and just breath. We both laughed because life just doesn't work that way. Things to do, things to get done - time to make the doughnuts.
He para quoted 2 Cor. 4:8 "When I am pressed on every side by troubles, I am not crushed and broken. When I am perplexed because I don't know why things happen as they do, I don't give up and quit."
Sometimes he's really obnoxious like that. I'm whining like a brat and he quotes me scripture. Way to take the high road. Jerk. But he is really good for me. I can list several times where I would have gone under if it wasn't for my Hubs to pull me back up. I know he can say the same about me.
I guess today was his shift.
Friday, December 12, 2008
First, I want to say thanks to Julie for passing along some blogbling.
You have to pass it on to 5 fabulous blogs.
You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions.
Make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them.
5 fabulous blogs in no order
5 fabulous addictions
4. Right now the wood burning stove as I'm freezing. I would hug it but it would only burn me. It is a forbidden love affair but I can't stay away from it.
5. Soon to be the Wii and me. Hope the stove doesn't get jealous. We will always have winter.
Well, it has been a long and interesting week. Don't know about you but I'm ready to crack open a tube of cookie dough and call it a day. But before I suffer from third degree burns as I hug my heat source, I will leave you with a couple of funnies.
TO BE 6 AGAIN...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Rick was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and saw a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway.
She unwrapped and opened the package.
Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Since I am the only female in our house, I’m starting to feel that I am wired completely different. Due to the fact that there are a handful of males that read this, I just can’t give you the satisfaction so I will maintain that all guys are wired very weird.
Some even have serious faulty wiring.
We’ve been discussing Christmas stuff lately. Hubby has wanted to get the boys camping stuff. I, of course, sneered at him and asked if he was joking. After a few long pauses it dawned on me that he wasn't joking. I said I would think about it and dropped it.
Lately, I’ve been listening to the conversation amongst the guys and was a bit surprised that the topic was camping. The older two are totally into it with J only so-so.
This made me think – what is wrong with these people???
We all love it when they get to go camping while I stay home. I go once a year and that is just to prove my love. They would love it even more if I came along all the time. Not happening.
Between us, I think I would do more except it’s always a money issue. How can camping be a money issue? Then clearly you haven’t camped. You have to drive there. Last spring it cost us over $200 dollars in gas – one way. Then there is the food you have to bring. And all the extras like bug repellent and potty chemicals cuz I ain’t squatting over a tree branch thankyouverymuch.
It all adds up which makes me wonder why are we doing this? Oh that’s right, it was in the wedding contract labeled under fine print. Dagnabbit.
Hubs was totally geeked to get the older two backpacks for their birthday. I intervened and got them Guitar Praise. They are still singing my praises. But this time around with nothing else to throw in the way I had to give in.
Why would I resist when it gives me alone time? I know how this will work. I’ve already heard it from Hubby.
H: "Look they have a pink backpack on sale."
Me: "I think the boys would take offense if you got them something pink."
H: "I meant for the female in the house."
Me: "You didn’t make a female in the house so don’t know what you’re talking about."
H: "I meant for you."
Me: "Did I give you the impression that I wanted to go backpacking? Matter of fact, have I ever given you the impression that I wanted to go outdoors, on purpose, at all?"
H: "Well you’ve come to enjoy…"
H: "Okay, tolerated camping so as the boys get older I really want to go on a hiking trip."
Me: "See ya when you get back."
H: "You wouldn’t want to go along?"
Me: "Oh could you please load me down with more weight than what I already carry and then tell me to slump it up and down hills? Could we really?"
H: "But it’s pink so you should like it."
Me: "Wow. Underneath that cute exterior there lies a man who still doesn’t get it. Let me clue you in – just because it’s pink doesn’t mean I will automatically like it. You tried wrapping your mother in pink one year and how did that turn out?"
H: "Still bitter about that one are you?"
Me: "Fond memories of lessons learned."
H: "So that’s a no on the pink backpack?"
Me: "You got it, genius."
This conversation will continue for.the.rest.of.my.life.
I was sitting in the living room gazing at the Christmas tree and was really trying to figure out what to get the kids. I can still get away with some toys for J but the older two already got what they wanted for their b-day.
I looked down at the Wii that is still tormenting me when a light bulb moment went off over my head.
When I told Hubby I was rather stumped on what to get the kids his eyes lit up glee and pulled out close to 20 camping magazines and his camping list. His typed camping list. I should know as I typed it. We are efficient if nothing else.
Actually, he types so dang slow I was starting to have twitches so I shoved him out of the way and did it for him. What's really creepy is M types just like him.
I will give Hubby credit, he suggested a few things and even came up with a brilliant plan on the stockings. I nodded my head in total agreement until he tried the pink backpack again.
I think I just made my Hubby’s Christmas.
He even promised that they would be using all this camping
crap junk all without me dragged tagging along. I made him swear on a stack of bibles.
Mr. UPS man delivered the backpacks today. Hubby was giggling with glee as he pulled them out and checked everything. The amount of enjoyment he got from it was worth it. And true to form - one green, one blue. J will get an old one which happens to have some red in it so he'll be fine. He just wants some Batman stuff so it'll all even out.
Tonight I was laying down on the floor where I scootched closer to the Wii and gently whisper, "He fell for it."
Come spring/summer it will be just me and Wii.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Help me out my Interpeeps. Do you ever have one of those weird moments where your blogging life crashes into your real life? Please tell me this isn’t just me.
This started off as documentation of a train wreck and/or therapy. Vote is still out on that one. When suddenly people I know and see on a regular basis reads my train wreck/therapy and then has conversations about it.
In front of me. Freaky!
I'm pretty much the same on my blog as I am in real life. I don't know who reads this and who doesn't and anytime I start talking about blogging I usually get a weird look. Oh wait, I always get that look. But you can see the huh? going through their eyes. So I try to keep it on the down low.
Thankfully no one has said, ‘suddenly it all makes sense now’. Nor has anyone staged an intervention. Which is good as that means I still scare people. There have been a few comments that I am way too long winded and I don’t know how to punctuate.
I may have to enforce if you don’t comment on the blog you cannot talk about the blog rule but I have a feeling there are a few that would break this just because they can.
This made me wonder if this is how Clark Kent feels on Smallville. That blue and red blur that just happened? Don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’m all for positive feedback. I love to make people laugh. I’m starting to think this is my crack. Comments are also starting to rank right up there. On the days where there are only 2 comments (and one is usually me) I have to pull myself off the floor and say it’s okay you’ll get a funny post sometime this week. And if nothing else tomorrow can be joke day.
It has come to my attention that some people feel I don’t talk about mah Hubs enough and are speculating if we are fighting. His response was he’s so awesome that there isn’t much to tell. That and he doesn’t want me to have to fight off the ladies from exposure to his awesomeness.
Truly a legend in his own mind.
I have no problem tormenting my children that I will blog their every move just to see if it’s another tool in the don’t-make-me-get-off-my-butt-and-put-you-in-your-place bag. Since teendom is here those tools are dwindling faster than a pantry full of food.
But with Hubby that is a whole different story. I have to live with him. He’s a private guy. When he wrote me that poem for my birthday I cleared it with him before I posted it because I know how he is and I respect him.
I know when I can mess with his head and when to stop. I know I could totally air all of his junk right here and now and while he would be mad at me, after the rubble settled he would still forgive me and life would keep moving on without a hitch.
When you have that – you save that for when you really screw up. It also helps I’m awesome in bed.
Hold on, I have to take a moment to savor the fact that there are a few people that just screamed "my eyes, my eyes" as that burned a hole in their head. Something tells me Sunday at church is going to be interesting.
I had no idea there was an interest in what the Hubs had to say in this documentation of my train wreck/therapy sessions. I thought if I left him out it would protect the innocent. I'll let you draw your own conclusions as to who that would be.
I guess this means I'll have to throw him in the mix now. Of course, I’m totally going to twist it from my point of view but that little fact hardly matters, now does it?
And before I forget...
To: My brother from another mother
Thank you! (as in a sincere thank you verses the snide thanks I normally give you.)
From: Your sister from another mister.
Now I’ll let him try to figure it out. I’m almost giddy with the thought of his brain cramping at a sincere thank you. Or his brain will cramp as he has no idea what the heck I’m talking about. Which means I’ll get a phone call asking me to clarify. But he’ll so steal my thunder and say his wife made him be nice to me. Jerk.
I will now return to my regular blogging nothingness.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Are you ready for some cookies?
These are so good they are like crack only way better for you. When you put it that way it doesn't sound so bad, does it?
Cracked Sugar Cookies
1/2 cup butter (no substitutes)
1/2 cup shortening
2 cups sugar
1/2 tsn vanilla
3 egg yokes
2 cups flour
1 tsn baking soda
1 tsn cream of tartar
1/8 tsn salt
In large mixing bowl, beat the butter and shortening with electric mixer for about 30 seconds. Add sugar and vanilla. Beat until combined. Beat in the egg yolks.
In another mixing bowl, stir together flour, baking soda, cream of tartar, and salt. Beat in as much of the flour mixture as you can with the mixer. Using a wooden spoon, stir in any remaining flour mixture.
Shape dough into small balls. Place 2 inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at 300 degrees for about 20 minutes or until tops are cracked and sides are set but not brown. Remove cookies from cookie sheet and cool on a wire rack. Makes about 48
I kid you not these babies melt in your mouth. I usually have to make a few batches. Hop on over to Fuschia's for more recipes (click the button).
Monday, December 8, 2008
I am happy to report that I was able to deal several karate kicks to the laundry. Things were going good only to have it give me a roundhouse that sent me crashing to the floor. At least I can breath without gagging so it's still a score for me.
Also helps that I'm the one with the score card doling out the points. Natural born winner or natural born cheater - its all how you look at things.
We've been trying to keep up with our movie watching skillz. What's the point of reaching for the mountain tops if you never get past the first stone? So I aim low and can say goal achieved rather than missed it by that much.
We rented Get Smart and it was better than what I thought it would be. I think the funniest part was watching N and M's reaction as they caught a looooot more things. I had no warning with that. Going along with the humor and sighing with relief that things were sailing over their heads when suddenly they bust out laughing at something but try not to as it's sort of on the wrong side. Okay, a lot on the wrong side but funny as all get out.
About a month ago M and I went to pick up some pizza. We were behind this car with a bumper sticker on it. Funny but wrong. Totally caught me off guard. It looked like any normal Jesus junk sticker. (Don't get me wrong I love Jesus but I feel really uncomfortable when we slap His name on anything and everything just to make a buck.) I mean this looked like the normal stuff. It said: Jesus loves you. But everyone else thinks you're an @$$hole.
All I got out was "oh dang" when M started cracking up laughing. I looked over at him and he's pointing to the bumper sticking gasping for air.
Dang! And I taught him how to read too.
Needless to say, they are catching all those little things that use to sail across their heads. Must be a height thing or something. I'm thinking of putting those horse blinders on them so they won't pick up on so much as we're out and about.
They've watched Prince Caspian several times. Matter of fact, they bought it with their own money. And that was truly a wonderful moment - for me.
They've dropped a ton of hints that the Batman movie is coming out tomorrow. Translation: we're out of money. Welcome to my world boys.
But we are plowing through all the movies that came out but we couldn't go see. Except now we're having the great debate as to what they can watch. Am I the only parent that had their newly 13 year old say "It says PG-13 - I'm 13 so I can watch it" - only to have me toss back my head and let out a laugh of you sadly mistaken child? Just me? Dagnabbit!
Parenthood does cause amnesia. Why I didn't see this coming is beyond me. Suddenly the usual is not cutting it with the older two. J is the only one who will still watch the "little kid movies" with me and even he said it's rather cute that I still want to watch cartoons. *Sigh*
The same old books don't cut it. Suddenly I'm very thankful for all my Christian books because M is reading one right now. Robert Whitlow is like a Christian John Grisham. The only trouble is I can't get him to put the book down and do things - like school work.
How messed up is that? Yea you're reading! Now put it down and go read your school books. ??? He gave me a look and I said yeah doesn't make sense to me either now go do it.
Some day I'll get this whole mom/teacher gig figured out but by then they will all be grown and gone.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.
One died for your soul; the other for your freedom.
Rest easy, sleep well my brothers.
Know the line has held, your job is done.
Rest easy, sleep well.
Others have taken up where you fell, the line has held.
Peace, peace, and farewell...
Friday, December 5, 2008
Where do I start?
Did I get a picture of Sally? Nooo.
Did I think to grab two of her brand spanking new DVD so one could be a blog give away? NOOO. (But I did get mine signed. ha ha!)
Did I think to have a photo taken of the two of us as proof of my BFF status? NOOO!!!
Now you just have to take my word for it. She really doesn't have a restraining order - anymore. Kidding - I hope.
I'm almost done sulking. But the bright side is now I don't have to show a picture of myself and I am all for that. I don't think I'm very photogenic.
Matter of fact, in real life it ain't too pretty either. Maybe if you look at me like you just got out of bed but you really didn't want to - squint your eyes and have that blurry film coating going on so you don't see the full picture.
It can be ugly. Especially when I stumble out of bed. Thankfully the children have learned not to scream any more. They just avert their eyes and keep them focused on my slippers.
Don't believe me? Try getting in my way of something I want like fudge or getting near Sally. Just ask those two ladies I body checked just to get near her. When my BFF status was declared they had to step aside. Muwhahaha! I mean, bless their hearts. I hope they remembered to use those ice packs for the goose egg and the heating pad for the strained muscles.
I was teased not to maul her. But I couldn't help myself. At least I didn't pet her pretty hair. I'm on her prayer team and I've prayed for her and am excited at the doors that are flying open for her. I forgot to tell her I told one of the
bouncers ushers how to pronounce her last name. I think that was the only thing that saved me from getting maced.
She didn't disappoint! Very funny. And her message was very thought provoking that I'll save for another post. She encouraged us to focus on the reason for the season and not to get overwhelmed in the to do list. And when it was all said and done she came and sat with us and just hung out.
If I could only bottle a little of her confidence - look out world!
She even complimented me. She said my blog is funny. In full goober mode, I fumbled over it and forgot to say THANK YOU! Truly a proud moment as I think Ms. Manners just committed suicide.
I've never read the section on how to act in front of someone you admire without acting like a total arse or as a crazed mental goober. Did anyone read that section? Could you send me a copy of it? Just in case I'm in the presence of comedic awesomeness again or whenever that restraining order runs out.
All in all Sally was very gracious and I was so happy to see her. And I swear her screams were of happiness to see me. We hugged each other and tried hard not to act like two teenage girls.
It was a candlelight Christmas party put on by the ladies of Northbridge church. The decorations were just beautiful. The tables these women put on - oh my word! I did a table 5 or 6 years ago at our church and these ladies put my efforts to shame! It was very nice just to attend and not be the person to do it.
Not to mention I had fun chatting away with our Hearts at Home posse. It's more like I'm a member not the head. We're thinking about getting jackets but that would sort of ruin our humble code. They finally got me to stop wearing my humble button. Work in progress.
We ended up sitting in the vehicle talking away when Sally was heading to her car. She had to stop over and tease us.
It was a wonderful night. I've had a goofy sloppy grin on my face. No, not my normal look just a very happy smile - until life picked back up where it left off. Which is laundry waiting to go gansta again. It's back and this time with extra stench. I've been battling it with a can of air-freshener and a pole to get the darn thing into the laundry.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Oh mah word - had a wonderful time last night. But sadly I'm playing catch up on a lot of things so I can't post about it just yet.
All I got right now are some jokes so hope you can have a good laugh and keep on keeping on.
WHY PARENTS DRINK
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman '.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter .'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME.'
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Randy standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Randy.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Randy's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, wondering how this might have been, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went Shsss, Shssss, Shssss' and before he could say 'Sh*t' the Rottweiler ate him!
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat but it was dead.
"How do you know the cat was dead?" she asked him.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move." answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went Pssst! And it didn’t move."
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
All together now - ooooo! (This picture doesn't show just how nasty Snaggle-tooth was looking.)
Dude was a trooper. He didn't even make a peep the whole time. The only oops was when the guy was giving him the shot and J sneezed giving him a snot bath. Peppered his face shield with some serious spit.
It was a proud moment for the trailer park.
I, however, jumped up faster than a speeding bullet and squeegeed the goo off of J's face in record timing.
Thankfully the dentist and staff were pretty easy going about it. They even commented at how quickly I mopped up the snot. The dental assistance about came out of her skin. That confused me. You can handle hanging around people's mouths and spit but snot bothers you???
All said and done we were there for 1 hour.
We got home and I sent an email to my folks telling them what had happened as well as the bill amount. Mom sent an email back saying they would pay the amount. I was thinking you bet your sweet biscuits you're gonna pay it but instead I replied 'congrats you have just purchased the upkeep of one tooth until the age of 18'. This installment will be $156 and I would keep them posted of any other charges. J was too young to cap the tooth and said he needs to baby that tooth until he is old enough to cap it.
Care to guess who'll pay for that?
Dad replied he would pay me back next week. Why does this remind me of Wimpy? I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today or something like that.
I just sent an email asking how much he was willing to cover for emotional damages. Something tells me this isn't going to go far. Now I just hope they remember how to send a check in the mail rather than show up and continue Angst - The Musical.
In other news -
I am whooped. I've been painting for our church and my dogs are barking. At least this time I didn't get high off the toxic paint fumes. But that doesn't explain the mad munchies I've been having.
Wonder if the fat camp will have a catchy camp song to sing as we roast our pictures over an open fire?
I am so excited as I get to see my pretend BFF Sally! She is fall down, slap the floor funny. I will need the industrial strength absorbent material for this one. I even know what the topic is going to be about. So my BFF status is on the rise. Muwhahaha!
Monday, December 1, 2008
I was asked for this recipe a few times and today I was asked again as well as another few via email. Why I didn't think to post this earlier is beyond me.
This has been doubled for a 13x9 which is great for gatherings.
Corn Broccoli Bake
2 boxes Chicken in a Biskit crackers, crushed
1 cup butter melted
2 packages (10 ounces each) frozen chopped broccoli, thawed
2 cans whole kernel corn, drained
2 cans cream-style corn
In large bowl mix cracker crumbs with butter; reserve 1 cup for topping. Add rest of ingredients; mix well. Pour into a greased 13x9 baking pan. Sprinkle with reserved crumbs. Bake, uncovered, 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes.
I've had this fudge calling out to me. It is only a matter of time.
Butter Pecan Fudge
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
1/8 tsn salt
1 tsn vanilla
2 cups confectioners' sugar
1 cup pecan halves, toasted and coarsely chopped
In a large heavy saucepan, combine the butter, sugars, cream and salt. Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally. Boil for 5 minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from the heat; stir in vanilla. Stir in confectioners' sugar until smooth. Fold in pecans.
Spread into a buttered 8-in. squared dish. Cool to room temperature. Cut into squares if you plan on sharing. Or just carve the word MINE into it. It's what I'm going to do.
Thanks for all your emails asking about J. We're heading to the dentist tomorrow so I'll give an update.
*** J's tooth is as good as new! He was so happy and so relieved. I got before and after pictures but can't seem to get them loaded. Will try later. ***
Posted by Joanna at 11:48 PM