Monday, December 22, 2008

I Quack Myself Up


Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies."
I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...


Dianne said...

I loved this! We are cat people and that really sums up their cattitude. Thanks for the warm chuckles on a COLD Monday, I don't want to get out of bed and go to work, it is too cold, morning.

Kerri said...

Chunky dunk?!?!?! Bar har har...

So ya think we made a good decision to stay home last night?? Our road was drifted shut!!!

Julie said...

Those diary entries are so funny! *rofl* ... I always did feel sorry for our cat, on having to eat the same thing EVERY day, ALL day long! *lol*

Joanna said...

Kerri - yes we did! Who ordered the blizzard?? Glad we have our white Christmas but enough already! Sheesh.

The Blonde Duck said...

Oh Fellow Duck, your wisdom impresses me!

Whitney said...

I LOVED the e-mail about the dog/cat diary when I got and sadly deleted it. Thanks for posting it, I needed the laugh!

Kellan said...

Loved this, Joanna - so true - all these things and the dog/cat thing - too funny!

Have a Very Merry Christmas, Joanna - to you and your family! See you soon - Kellan

jubilee said...

The last part of your post reminds me of the movie Cats and Dogs! So funny!

Debbie said...

Funny, funny stuff. How are you on a roll like this so close to Christmas?

Totallyscrappy said...

If I had any loose clothing I wouldn't have signed up for an exercise class...

Bust a gut laughing!