Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I Should Have Seen This Coming...

was the thought that went through my head.

I've only had the spawn remind me how many days until Christmas like a gazillion times and that was just today. They finally took my name off the naughty list when I produced the cookies. I guess that's score 5 for nice and 15 for naughty as I noticed that my children smelled like corn chips. Not a yum corn chip smell but an oh mah gawd corn chip smell.

Fabreeze air fresheners is making a killing off of me as that is the only way I will enter their room armed with the can.

But sadly, I couldn't pick up my beloved man in a can that will battle the stank rather than create it. Why do you ask? Because by the time I was at the air freshener aisle it was already getting ugly. And I'm not talking about the air.

I don't think I should have left the house today or maybe even the rest of the year. It's just been one of those weeks. So when we loaded up the van and headed to Stuffmart I should have known it wasn't going to go well.

It was a bit crowded and I stress out in crowds. So when I say crowded I mean crowded. As in 2 out of 3 children got ran into with a grocery cart. I was already dealing with my last nerve, and that last nerve is one crusty broad. She will reach out and touch someone. Luckily, I was blocked off and couldn't reach the offending party.

What was extra special was the lady had the nerve to tell me my kids were in her way while her demon spawn was attempting to pillage my cart. At least he was until I returned the favor and introduced him to the business end of the cart.

Nice -5; Naughty - 21.

What a little screamer, btw. The way he was rolling around on the floor was a bit of an over kill but when he started to point at the ceiling and said 'it's white - I'm seeing white' I started to get a little concerned. (wink, wink)

I did what any tired woman would do - kicked the kid out of the way and ran like hell.

I am, of course, kidding. But see what my mind will come up with when I'm pushed past the point of no return?? (And run into another tired mom and we swap stories.)

It was crowded, 2 boys did got bumped into, and there was a rude lady with a brat child that I so wanted to turn into a speed bump - and then back up over him and try again - and again - and once more for good measure. So it's not a total exaggeration.

But what got me wasn't the other people - it was one of my own crew.

I'm looking at my list, checking it twice (I couldn't resist) when I heard this HUGE crash. I whipped around to see a whole cookie display knocked over with packaged cookies tossed as far as the eye could see. Gave a whole new meaning to tossing cookies.

And that's when I heard that last nerve say, "It's go time."

People, sirens should have gone off warning the masses of imminent danger. Elvis was wheeling himself out the building as fast as his dead carcass could move. It's moments like this when we gave up having a cuss jar because we wouldn't be able to afford the fallout.

My eyes were searching out the guilty party ready to shave a few years off their lives when the guilt drew me to my prey.

It was Hubby.

"You??? You!" I hissed.

The older two were trying their best not to laugh themselves stupid because I have warned them of the dangers of stupidity. And this would have ranked right up there.

What didn't help matters, was that last nerve was still a bit peeved at Hubs while at Taco Bell. Yet another brilliant moment of hey lets go to the mother of all fart makers for dinner and then let me follow my 4 guys up and down the lanes as I try not to gag.

I walked by him and pretended like I didn't even know who he was. I figured this was the only way to spare me from my kids reinstating the cuss jar and with work a bit slow I didn't feel like taking out a small loan to cover the fee. I was also smart enough to know that this could have been blackmail material years from now.

Even a fool will seem wise if he holds his tongue - tonight I wisely put it to work and kept on shopping not saying a thing.

But wait there's more.

Hubs must have decided it was rather rude of me to sign the word @$$h*le and left him on clean up duty alone because dude booked down every aisle leaving me to hunt for everything in each aisle. I don't know if there was a huge sale and everyone had shopped that day or if some sicko was out hiding things and randomly shoving stuff in different areas. The result was an extreme scavenger hunt.

That last shredded nerve was starting to pulse.

I would have chalked it up to paybacks as I had walked by him BUT I was still shopping. I would find him around the corner just standing there. I had to yell down the lane if he grabbed X, Y, or Z which he said didn't know we needed those.

"Of course you didn't." I muttered bitterly.

It was right at that moment with my mouth hanging open that I walked right into a Taco Bell bomb.

It was a silent drive home. At least it was for me as I had my head hanging out the window on the way home. There was only so much my senses could take.

This left me wondering how does he do that? One day he's encouraging me the next day he's killing me. I wonder if I can find any candy coal to put in his stocking? I also bet the feeling was mutual as I didn't keep the wood burning stove going today and he knew I was going to blog about this.

Nice - 5; Naughty - 37. Making your spouse just as crazy as you - priceless.

"Oh, I'm getting nuffin for Christmas cuz we got screwed over from a jerk. Oh, I'm getting nuffin for Christmas cuz everyone said I was bad."

I choose to see that as a compliment.

But I will say, this was only Wednesday and I'm now a bit skeert of the rest of the week.


Dianne said...

I feel your pain, heh heh heh. Been there, done that. Usually when I am hormonal. I always say I am hoping to get my oldest kid (hubby dear) raised soon.

Anonymous said...

Boy, am I glad my kids are grown. And I don't take the grandkids shopping. My husband does most of mine. Envious, yeah, I know you are. :) Margie

B said...

If you are using that much fabreeze perhaps you should purchase some shares and make money from them if they are doing the same off you. At least it will balance things out.

Kaye Butler said...

Honey, I have musical farts at my house. Both girls and Tim can fart on comand, high and low. It's like a dang fart band, throw in a belch or two for the bass.

Kerri said...

Oh the man farts. Doug is ree-DIC-u-lous. Last night I actually made him take gas pills before bed. I'm like, dude, if you want to sleep in the same bed, heck, in the same ROOM, you WILL take these. He did.

Julie said...

If hubby knocked over a stack of cookies... I would hand the cart over to him and leave the store. *lol*

Whitney said...

Oh My!

Yep, StuffMart will do that to you. As will greasy cheap quasi-Mexican food.

I would never go shopping with them again!

Debbie said...

Well, you did have a bad time, didn't you? Sounds like a good evening for a little Christmas cheer.

Joanna said...

Clearly I am in the pressence of smarter shoppers than myself. Teach me - I'm your humble student. ;)

Whitney I'm sort of stuck taking the whole crew cuz I can't push three grocery carts and Hubby has a way of calming the savages - ME.

Debbie - straight up or on the rocks? Just asking. ;)

My new slogan - crack open a tube of cookie dough and call it a day. said...

Oh, my. I hope hubby appreciated your restraint? And, I would've totally hit the kid. And, his mother - who needs the bigger spanking for not using discipline.

San said...

Awwwww... Chin up! :)

tommie said...

oh girlie, I feel your pain! I really only try to go to that store early in the AM.

jubilee said...

Whoa. Speechless I am.
(too many Star Wars episodes lately, sorry)