Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Life - Little Brat That Needs A Time Out

Today, Hubby was home - again.

My Mom called and attempted to be a Mom by telling me I sound tired and need to take some time for myself. Do tell.

My brain crawled out of my head and went screaming down the hall when I realized I need to do a grocery list. This was shortly after I was informed that the boys were out of underwear and oh yeah I haven't done any baking.

Hubby had to coax me out of a corner with some Hershey kisses - so I would cook dinner.

Today needs to be over.

I just finished a double batch of those melt in your mouth crack sugar cookies and whenever I can come up with some brilliant post I'm off to do some snickerdoodles.

Trouble is I got nothing going through my brain just a disturbed version of jingle bells. This is not looking good for the home team. Margie sent me a funny and I needed the laugh so I'm sharing it. Because I really have nothing worth typing.

Snopes says this was written by Jeff Foxworthy and is in one of 1996 books that states "My life's stories, only 50% lies so really don't know if this is true or not, but it is hilarious. Please forgive, but I am still smiling after a good laugh. MS (PS the original email says it appeared in 1999 Louisville Sentinel but snopes says there never was a paper by that name.)

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.


My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.


REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... only women would be able to drag a fat-a$$ man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Oh you know you want to laugh! Hope tomorrow is a much better day.

9 comments:

The Blonde Duck said...

That's so funny! You made my morning!

Kerri said...

heheheh

I hope today is better for you!!!

Dianne said...

I am so stealing this and posting it on my blog. THanks for the funny!

Anonymous said...

Good morning. Hope things get better today. My day started out busy too. But I'm at work now, and it's only 7:30 a.m. but I can rest. HaHa. Margie

Julie said...

Poor Granny! *rofl*

Holly said...

I sooooo needed this laugh! Thank you so much!!

:) Wish I could come eat all your cookies!! haha!

Jen said...

Very funny.

I love how glibly you capture the Christmas insanity. "Coaxing me from the corner with hershey kisses" Mwahahaha.

tommie said...

My mom sent that to me the other day! She wears me out.

I do hope you have a better day tomorrow!

jubilee said...

I had no idea about the reindeer. Kind of hard to wrap my brain around it. But it totally makes sense!

Jeff Foxworthy is always good for a laugh. What a sight that would have been.