Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dear 2009

Just so you know I thought you were a sucky year. From start to finish you haven't been very kind. As you are breathing your last breath, I wanted you to know that I wanted to dig a hole, shove you in, and then dance on your grave.

And that was just by summer time.

While that sounds a bit extreme for me, it did remind me of someone. After pondering for a few moments who could be that mean and cruel, it dawned on me. It sounds so much like you, 2009. All the promises of something new and wonderful only to be the pit of despair and smell like old dirty socks.

You have to admit, you have the sneer of angst coming your way. With Hubs starting and ending on unemployment and all the mess that has brought with it, you have left a bad taste in our mouths, 2009.

I will concede on a few points as there was a slight glimmer here and there sprinkled throughout the year. The war of Nerf was a huge hit. I hear tomorrow there is going to be another epic battle. We've had nothing but great visits from the in-laws all year. Been blessed with the shopping anointing, had the in-laws bailed us out - again. Both Hubs and I have been battling major giants and have slowly been making progress on crawling out of our graves. There was even a break from my folks.

But true to form, you managed to smash that to pieces as your final kick out the door. Not to mention being forced to file for bankruptcy. On my good days I don't think about being homeless.

I would like to think there were more good moments than bad but that wouldn't be the case with my over active imagination. While it is late and my mind is a bit fuzzy, I still say it has not been a good year.

You have brought us many days of pain, lots of tears, as well as fears. Sure the bonfire of 09 will go on to plague Hubs but in his defense that was one of the worst days we had all year. You may even try to say that it exposed his hidden talents of drop-kicking but I say that is just a ploy on your part to muddy the waters.

In short, it has felt like a year of grieving. One very long drawn out graveyard experience. It has also been very humbling. People I thought would care - didn't, and people I thought wouldn't care - did. Reminds me of the time when I was a kid and fell off my bike and a neighbor lady ran out and helped me. Her son hated my guts and went out of his way to torment me but she helped when I had a bloody nose and a chipped tooth.

In a weird sort of way, 09 has been like that. I feel bloody and chipped. There is the bitterness of being kicked to the curb and the surprise of who you find on the side of the curb.

There were times when I had slipped and fallen on my face, and times when I was shoved and held down. When there was no one to stand with me, there has been One who hasn't left my side. Even though the lies have pressed in hard and the chains of despair have dug into my skin, I choose to say I trust my God. When the what ifs are hounding me at night and I have soaked my pillow in tears, I've told my self to trust in the Lord and to put my hope - my fragile, broken, and bruised hope, in God.

What you don't know, 2009, is that while you have done your best to knock me out, I am still here. I am still moving forward. And you can't stop that. I'm coming out of this grave.

While we face a lot of unknowns in the next couple of months - things that have rocked me to my core - today, right this moment, I can say, "It is well with my soul". I have no clue how I will be in a few hours, tomorrow, or the next day but right now I'm holding on to it.

I hope in God. I hope 2010 goes well. I hope things will work out even though I have no clue.

I can say from experience that the sting of this year will fade away as it always does. I just hope it fades quickly. And I know as I hope, it will help.

So good-bye 2009! May you never repeat yourself, Mr. Stinky McStinkerton.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Just A Quick Post

I had a Christmas post with pictures but Hoopty said no to the pictures again. So I have a post just sitting here waiting on pictures. I will get to that post published once I have time to properly smack Hoopty.

The guys had a blast with their Nerfpalooza. We're still finding darts everywhere. Other than Hubs taking a few shots in the eye ball and J getting tagged in the family jewels a few times they had tons of fun. It was pretty funny listening to all the smack talk.

Boys and their toys!

In-laws are here and we are having a great time. Boys made out like fat rats. Sort of a relief as we mainly got them clothes and the nerf stuff. Grammy to the rescue on a few things. I feel bad as she brought up stuff to make more cookies but I am baked out. I don't even want to look at another cookie sheet!

MIL and I had to head to the store real quick today. We were just leaving and I had this sense of dread wash all over me. My heart was pounding and I thought I was on the verge of a panic attack. I started scanning every car that went by me and sure enough - my folks drove right past me!

Son of a nutcracker!!

I managed not to wreck the van, pulled out my phone and called Hubs with the heads up 7up - they are coming to you. My MIL started cracking up laughing at the timing of it all. Thankfully the laughter snapped me out of the oh crud feeling. I felt bad as I was hoping Hubs and I could talk to them before they came out to the house.

Hubs called about 10 minutes later and said it was all clear to come home. Dude did not let them in the house and just talked to my Dad for a little bit. From what he said my Dad is a lot more vocal about being against the government. Great. Hubs pretty much told my Dad there is no having a relationship with them and Dad said whatever and left. My Mom never even got out of the car. I don't think it's a done deal but I'll at least give Hubs credit for drawing the line in the sand.

Got to hop off as we're about ready to play another round of games with the kids.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

How Is This Possible??

Here it is - the eve of Christmas Eve. The baking, the whining, the crying - and that was all from me. I've heard the plotting and the planning of Nerf palooza of '09 until I thought I would hose myself down with a fully loaded Nerf blaster just to put an end to it.

Is it just me or has Christmas sort of just snuck up? I feel like I've been so busy trying to make good memories for the guys that here it is and I feel like I'm not ready. We bought what we could, we're doing what we can. And yet when I look at people that are moving at a fast pace to get everything done - it just seems the whole meaning has truly slipped away.

I read a pretty good book - long story long there was a battle and the color of one's sword was based on the intent. The motive behind the blow was what determined who's side the person was fighting on. Thought that was interesting. I also thought it was interesting that there is still a battle to be fought and to be won.

Jesus fought and won His battle. And it all started with a tiny little seed of a baby. While this is supposed to be a time of peace on earth, I can't help but feel the battle really is gearing up. Not something I really want to hear while I'm in so many battles. Last couple of days I felt such encouragement to keep pressing on.

I got to hang out with some people I don't get to see on a regular basis. Listening to the different stories of struggles, of battles won and battles lost, but still that determination to keep pressing on. I was nodding my head as I've been in some of those battles and got it but shook my head in wonder at ones I have not. But it was nice to be around people who got it - who knew exactly where I was coming from. It was like a nice long drink of water. Sad to say, that a lot of people believe that as long as you do everything right, you will have a nice little life.

Too bad life doesn't work that way.

All of our talk reminded me of this email and it gave me a good sniff. I know very well about heartache. I want to believe that there are still good, honest people that are out there. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas - time with family and friends and that you are able to zero in on the reason for the season, the One that gives us hope.

**True Story of Rudolph**
A man named Bob May, depressed and broken hearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night. His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bob's wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer.

Little Barbara couldn't understand why her Mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad's eyes and asked, "Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?"
Bob's jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger.

It had been the story of Bob's life.

Life always had to be different for Bob. Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember. From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl.

But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in the Chicago slums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938. Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a Christmas gift.

But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined to make one - a storybook! Bob had created a character in his own mind and told the animal's story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling.

Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose.

Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day. But the story doesn't end there. The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph.

That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book. In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter.

But the story doesn't end there either. Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore, it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of "White Christmas."

The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad.

In fact, being different can be a blessing.

Monday, December 21, 2009


I have baked. Oh, how I have baked. And I still have more baking to go. I made up a truck load of goodies and gave up a sampling to Hubs' boss which they loved. We had our Christmas party Saturday. Just the 4 of us went out and we ditched our kids. We loaded them up with pizza and Mountain Dew and then peeled out of the drive-way.

Thankfully the house is still standing - and so is the tree.

After we had dinner we ended up going back to their house and played cards, talked, laughed and had a really good time. It was soooo nice. I was starting to think I forgot what it was like to laugh. We haven't played cards in years. We use to play all the time with my folks. A lot of it is partners so can't really play it with the boys.

The boys only called once and asked when we were coming home and we didn't have an answer. We told them to brush their teeth and head to bed. They told me later they stayed up until 1 waiting on us and gave up. I find the irony of that very amusing. I'm sure the roles will be reversed before you know it. They did have fun but said it was weird that we were gone for so long.

I'll remind them of this later in life.

Most of the goodies are dwindling already and Monday is the day of I'm getting their favorite cookies done since I have nothing better to do. (Insert eye roll) I'm just wondering if the goodness of cookie will make it till Christmas! I made some Butter Pecan fudge that is really good. I am trying to have self-control but failing miserably at it.

I made some turtles and something new. I have no name for it. Recipe is close to the turtles. Take pretzels squares softened a Hershey's Hugg on it and squished it down with an M&M. Mercy! The turtles are a regular pretzel with a softened Rolo that gets squished with a pecan. I even took pictures! But Hoopty is saying it can't see them and won't upload it from the camera. It's saying the camera doesn't even exist and thinks I'm making it up.

I'm about ready to reboot Hoopty - with Hubs' boot.

It may only go to Facebook - I'll have to see. Right now I'm too tired to mess with it. I'll post how to do it when I can get the pictures to work.

We're on break and the guys are all plotting and planning. I have heard all about it more than the 5 times. I haven't snapped yet but I've been suppressing the feeling with those pretzel things. Hubs is going to help the boys clean out the toy room which means time to grab some trash bags and let the tossing of the broken toys begin!

Friday the boys got "their" shopping done. J was the funny one. He didn't want anyone to see what he got so he was darting in and out of aisles. I saw him commando crawl over to the check out lane. Thankfully no one ran over him. I really should stop calling him speed bump.

In-laws are coming up day after Christmas AND my Dad called and they should be coming up, I think, the 30th. My in-laws may be heading out the door just as my folks arrive. God help me!

Dad is trying to get us to move back to Indiana. Never have I been so tempted!! I was talking about it with Hubs and he said no for 2 reasons. 1) is he doesn't want to live in Indiana as it's flat and very boring to hike in and 2) we would be placing ourselves very close to my parents and why in the world would we do that?

He does have a point. On number 2. Lets just say his definition of a hill and mine are totally different. What I say is a mountain he says is a hill. His family loves it when we come to visit and they take me on what they call a serious hill. Then they laugh at me when my ears pop like 3 times. Talk about your local excitement. What hilarity will be around the next corner?

Although Hubs did get me totally freaked out once before we were married. On one side there was mountain. On the other side tree tops. And we're on this tiny rode in a land yacht. I'm not sure how many times I made the sign of the cross and squealed don't kill me but I do know it was more than 5.

Needless to say the visits out to PA have been few. I still say those are mountains NOT hills.

So now that he has crossed off leaving the state, everything else is up in the air right now and we're in a wait and see what happens game. Which is enough to make me want to whack myself in the head repeatedly until I either lose consciousness or totally forget why life sucks.

Funny thing is I felt God was telling me today to pick up my sword. He said I've taken enough blows, it's time to pick up the sword and start swinging. How interesting.

Friday, December 18, 2009

This Can't Be Good

I have tried to write 3 posts. I get half way through it and then I can't continue. Too personal and too raw. I can't get my therapy sessions done. This can't be a good sign.

I'm in the middle of some serious bake-o-rama stuff. If this doesn't shut the whining and complaining from the guys than it's time to break out the duct tape. They were singing my praises until I told them they couldn't have any of it until I set stuff aside to give to Hubs' boss.

The complaining started up again.
I gave the eyebrow arch of excuse me?
Batting of eyelashes was then played as they slowly reached for some cookie goodness.
Eyebrow arched even higher as did the spoon to smack the hands away.
The glare of disdain was given and quiet angst fell from the children.

They'll get over it. They have inhaled all the stuff that has been made in record time. It's the one batch of cookies that takes me the longest is what they are seriously hinting over. Silly me, I forgot my only purpose in life was to feed them. When did they turn back into newborns???

Man, the thought of that gave me a violent chill.

If I have to hear "I am so excited for the Nerf war" 5 more times, I'm concern I may snap.

At least they are excited so that counts for something, right?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Pew Laughter

We went to wally world tonight and my brain is a bit fried. Since it's late and I should be in bed, thought I would just post jokes. These are actually clean.

Don't look at me like that. You'll recover from the shock. I had a lot of these sitting around in my email that just didn't work well with some of the other ones. Golly gee, can't figure out why. Ahem! Moving on...

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back , "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'

His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?'
The son replied, 'I do know!'
'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'
'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.
'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.

'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'

Lets not point fingers shall we. It's not all that hard to figure out which one I am.

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.'
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?'
A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy.
'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked.
'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven....'

You shouldn't be groaning, btw. You should have seen that one coming a mile away.

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play 'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'
During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up'.
At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.'
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree Outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God up there?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Little Girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yessssss!
Little Girl: Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yessssss!
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Tommy: Yes.
Little Girl: Do you see her brain?
Tommy: No.
Little Girl: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
(You Go Girl!)

3-year-old Reese: 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I wanted to stay with you guys.'

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

SUNDAY CLOTHES (thanks Margie)
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy.
'Hi,' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '

'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.
'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.
'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!'

This has been the clean jokes post. What can I say? I'm trying not to get coal in my stocking. Hope you got a chuckle!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Forget Calgon

When we last left our heroine, she was snotting herself with just all the crap of life going on. Today she thought about flushing herself down the toilet but the reality of the size of her boo-tay put a kibosh on that.

Here's a news flash for you. Life sucks. And then you die. The end.

I know, such a joyful bucket of cheer I ain't.

Ever have one of those days where all you can do is just stare and blink several times while your brains goes you have got to be freakin kidding me? Just moi?? Figures.

Hubs was home today. And will be tomorrow and possibly the rest of the week. More bad news upon more bad news. Remember me clinging to the side of the rock? I now have my rear end scootched as far off the ledge as I can get hoping my tushy will touch water before I have to let go. Trouble with that is I'm still clinging to this rock trying to trust God that everything is going to be okay but I know I have to let go. My brain says not gonna happen.

Dude had to run a few errands then comes home and said the certified letters he had to go pick up where not good letters but from people who want the green stuff from us. All I can say is thank goodness none of them were named Vinnie or made us an offer we can't refuse. Before we sat down to go over the books, he dumps out 2 day old ashes and proceeds to set our trash bin on fire. We were going over money and I kept saying I think I smell smoke. I was told I was wrong only to be proved correct.

There is now a huge hole in the bottom. At this point, I started to just laugh. The laugh that turns maniacal where people slowly approach you like a spooked horse only with a white jacket type of laugh.

Later today, a neighbor knocked on our door to tell us the bin was smoking. I just love the smell of fresh trash and plastic burning on a wet day. Hubs went out and dumped a truck load of water on it. I have to say, I'm really impressed with his ability to drop kick a bucket. Sign this bad boy up for rooster punting because I think he would definitely medal. Who knew he had such hidden talents?? He could have been an all-star or something.

Lot of hard choices for us to make right now. So to get this on top of everything else was just crazy stupid. For now that's where I'll leave it. Sounds so much more cooler and mysterious than to go in great detail of wringing of hands, breathing through a bag, and sucking one's thumb while rocking in a corner.

Hopefully Hubby will snap out of it. What kind of message does that send to the children?

I'm too busy trying to wiggle out of this white jacket to be much help. I know I need a hug but not from myself, honest. Besides do you have any idea how hard it is to type with my toes??

But not to be a total downer - we did all of our shopping in 2 days. Really helps when you can't do much. We scored some serious clothes for not a lot of moolah. N and M were the big winners which is good as they needed it the most. We were able to find a couple shirts for J and a couple pairs of pjs. I really need to go through the dressers and see what is now J's and what gets packed up. J was sporting really small pjs the other night. I gave him my best 'mother doesn't approve of that' look and told him to kiss those jams good-bye.

We did get the boys the Nerf guns. Not exactly what the older 2 wanted as that was more expensive but they will be well supplied for the battle. I found a video game they had wanted for $20 at wally world. I was so worried they would be disappointed that when we got home, we showed the guys what we got. Totally killed off the surprise but it worked to my advantage.

Not only did they love it but my cool mom points went through the roof. Bonus points because now I don't have to wrap it. Just to keep the awesomeness in check, they have to wait until Christmas to even touch it. I tossed my head back and let out an evil cackle as they said this is almost as bad as not knowing. Like I said, had to keep my awesomeness humble.

But now I don't have to get up early as they only want their Dad for the Nerf war. So come Christmas day it will be just me, myself, a book and a plate of cookies hiding in safety from nerf palooza. I am brilliant. Go ahead and weep at the brilliance of it all.

Except the mom guilt is off the scale. I've wrung my hands so much with worry that I sprained it. Actually I played a little too much FarmTown and Farmville and sat weird and now my arm hurts. Hubs is calling it the loser sprain. I told him at least I didn't set the trash on fire. We stared at each other for a second. And it went down like this...

Hubs: "I'm never going to live this down, am I?"
Me: "No! And you just know it's going to end up in a blog post or seventy."
Hubs: "I really don't think people are going to care."
Me: "True but I'll have the smug satisfaction every time I type out the bonfire of 09."
Hubs: "It wasn't that bad."
Me: "You said flames were shooting out of the bottom."
Hubs: "Well yeah, but not big flames."
Me: "A flame is a flame. This isn't Burger King. Flame broiled trash doesn't work for me."
Hubs: "The ashes sat outside for 2 days. 2 days!"
Me: "And you dumped it on top of paper. Weren't you the one that gave the boys a big speech on fire safety last time we went camping?"

Hubs: "Go rub your sore arm down with the loser cream."
Me: "At least my arm isn't on fire. Come to think of it my little fire pit on Farm Town is doing better than our trash."
Pillow sails through the air.
Me: "Careful! Don't get it near the wood burning stove!! It might catch on fire or something really bad. And then it would melt what's left of the trash bin."

Just so you know, he's a lot faster and stronger than what he looks. I'm not even sure what he did but he leaped over the coffee table, caught me before I could do the Barnie Rubble run (where your legs move but you go no where) and then next thing I know I'm looking up at the ceiling - laughing. I just got my butt kicked.

But other than that, it's just great around here. Yup. Just peachy.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

All They Want For Christmas Is...

Holy snow, batman! We got around 8 inches of snow with a chance of another 3 inches this evening. Looks like I'll be baking another round of cookies as the guys have almost polished off the last batch of goodness.

I'm starting to wonder if this is purgatory or something. Cookie purgatory.

The guys are cracking me up. They are so trying to go on break now. When they realize not happening they fly through their school work. Why can't this be a regular thing?? I'm just glad they are totally clueless on all the school cancellations. Muwahaha!

But the sudden rush of git 'r done is because they have a "full on dart gun war" going on. I think I'm afraid to ask what that exactly means, but they have been having a good time together so on with the war. Matter of fact, all they want for Christmas are Nerf guns and a truck load of darts. I mean, what household of dudedom isn't complete without a truck load of darts?

I made the suggestion that maybe Christmas day they could bring all the Nerf stuff downstairs and take it to the next level as they would have more room down here.

Some days I think I need my head examined. This would be one of those times. But I scored more points on the cool mom chart.

A chart and points system that I made up. In my mind.

Minor detail.

Hubs is so on board with this and they have been plotting and planning. I think I may be hiding with hoopty or safely near Bernie as wood burning stoves has a way of destroying plastic darts. Yet another bonus point for Bernie.

I asked if there was a cause for which they fight for. The amount of blinking and glazed over looks I got said a lot. N finally cracked 'Cause I want to, so that's good enough'. How can I argue with that kind of logic?

The nice thing with them being at this stage is they really don't have much they are asking for. We're going to go clothes shopping this weekend. Huge sale going on that we can't miss out on. But with the guys' birthday last month there really isn't much stuff they want. Which is a good thing with the timing of life sucks and everything.

They had their very short list done since Thanksgiving and they just seem pretty happy with life right now. Which means we've kept our panic induced wringing of the hands hidden from them. Go team parent!

Sort of hard to know what to do for Christmas. The money Hubs' folks gave us wasn't enough for all the screw you fees the lawyers tacked on to the foreclosure. There are some days both of us feel very confident God is going to come through. And there are other days that we are face first on the floor soaked with panic. Did I mention Hubs is back on unemployment as of this week?

Yesterday I woke up already in a panic attack. Leave it to me to take that brand of crazy to a whole new level as I didn't think that was possible.


But I choose to trust God even though I feel like I totally lack the capacity to do so. And some days that is more than half the battle. Guess it'll have to be enough.

I was telling Kerri that after all the junk I have gone through the last couple of months....oh my word! I think I would like 2009 to be over with as this has not been a good year.

UNLESS you count all my points on the cool mom chart. This may be one of my finer moments in momhood.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Now What?

So it's like 1:30 am. I'm not sleepy. I'm wiped out! Just got a serious amount of cookies baked. And there is still a serious amount more to do but those will wait for another day. The guys all came flying into the kitchen to see what smelled so good. First batch of cookies. They all grabbed a few and then disappeared.

Um, you're welcome.

Yesterday was interesting. Hubs had been brilliantly plotting about switching around a couple rooms. Bernie turned out to be too hot for a dining room but great for a cozy family room. We swapped the 2 rooms and oh my word the work this involved. It turned out really nice. Our dining room now feels sort of formal. Bit weird, but we like it. Once the Christmas tree comes down, we'll rearrange that room and tweak my pit, I mean den.

Had to have the guys help move stuff around. Went through tons of junk and cleaning and more cleaning. After moving everything around looks like it all needs cleaned again. Mutant dust bunnies are not to be messed with.

I would take pictures but, um, I'm still going through junk and cleaning so it's not ready. Someday I'll get there. Just not today. Hubs did give the guys a hard time for not getting school work done to which I asked where their books were at. After about 5 minutes of searching, the book were a bit buried. I told Hubs to cork it.

Needless to say we were all very happy he had work today. It just wasn't a very long day. Boys have already asked when we start our break. I was all for pulling the covers over my head to avoid reality, as well as their schoolwork, but I was out voted. I still think God cheats. I don't recommend playing rock, paper, scissors with Him. Just saying. He seems to win all.the.time.

Do me a favor, please pray for us. The whole mortgage thing - lets just say it is designed to screw you over several ways. I am beyond spent on the whole thing. I was listening to the new Steven Curtis Chapman CD - oh my word is it good. I was just snotting myself. Spoke a lot about loss and the pain but trusting God in the middle of it. I find my own faith so very little staring up a this huge mountain that just won't go away.

I so want to do the Nestea plunge of just trusting. But I find myself unable to do it. Does not help when the people around me prove to be untrustworthy. I have a long list of where things did not go according to plan. There is not trust. So when God tells me to trust Him - I struggle really bad with this.

Hubs was reminding me of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. He had to take a leap of faith in order to continue on the journey. It looked impossible. When he stepped out, there all along was a bridge cleverly disguised to match the surroundings.

I am so there.

Except I've got a death grip on the side of a rock having a really hard time prying my own hands off. People are willing to toss my butt off the cliff but I have a feeling they would miss the bridge.

Houston, we have a problem.

To just keep piling the poo on, Dad called again. I picked up the phone. I got off the phone and then spent the next 3 hours just bawling my head off at the stupidity of it all. It was a decent phone call just made me really miss the way it use to be. Another gravestone to look at.

I keep waiting for life to make sense. It's not cooperating. Darn it all. I just turned on my MP3 and Hold Fast by Mercy Me just came up. It goes "Hold fast, help is on the way. Hold fast He's come to save the day."

Hilarious, God.

At least He hasn't lost His sense of humor.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

What Can Ya Say?

I'm not sure whether I should laugh or even blog about this but since that doesn't stop me....

We visited another church and honestly I was almost attacked with the church giggles. I'm sitting in this church thinking thanks, but no. The worship was not my speed and I think I may have been the youngest woman there. For some reason I found the whole thing just funny. Not sure if that's a sign that I've truly lost it, or what. Since I've said you have to have something first before you can lose it - I think I'm safe.

The guys were all pounced on by the grandma brigade. Since that was most of the congregation, I think they were a hit. At one point M sneezed and he had several women from behind handing him tissues. And not just your typical snot rags, no - the good kind. Kleenex that were so thick and soft we could have sown those bad boys together to make a junior snuggie.

I'm just hoping none of them tried slipping him their number. Something like "For a good stew call Edna. She likes baking cookies and is looking for a man in her life." No, nothing like that, she just wants someone to hug, do grandma-ly things with and call him George since her grand kids all live out of state.

N did say they were in the market for a new grandma but said he would be worried the competition would turn fierce and was afraid for these ladies very lives. He's so considerate to be thinking of only their welfare. Which means he didn't think it through to see how they would be fighting over him and could have scored big time. Oh well.

It seems no matter where we go everyone insists they know Hubs. During the meet and greet one lady was just sure she taught his English class and he had to tell her repeatedly he didn't go to school in Michigan. Bet it's those Clark Gable looks of his.

The preaching was a lot better than the worship but what cracked me up was we almost made it out the door before anyone would talk to us. They sent poor Maw-maw and Ethel to toss their oxygen tanks at us to trip us up so we would crash into their welcome table that was cleverly disguised as, um, a wall. So I guess it was their welcome wall.

But this allowed the pastor to grab some of their latest literature and really pushed for us to give blood.


I know it's important and all, but call me old fashioned as I would have liked to at least been introduced before trying to schedule me to give blood. As in I'm being invited to some Christmas cantata and told I should arrive early so as to give blood and have time to recover for the program.

Alrighty then.

And this is me we're talking about. Any discussion about blood causes my stomach to do the mambo, then I get dizzy and feel the sudden urge to puke and then pass out. Clearly this is the reason I'm invited to so many parties as who wouldn't want that wild action at their next gig?

They were trying to hand me tickets and telling me to bring a friend. What's that Ethel? You have extra tickets??? How is this possible? With my side show performance I'm sure that will leave a great impression on them.

We were walking to our van and I muttered I wasn't sure if it was a church or a vampire club. Unfortunately my spawn heard this and busted up laughing. J wasn't amused as he really like the kids church. I asked how many were in his class. Counting him - 5. I asked him what his lesson was about and if there was one he didn't remember it. I think they just walked around the room making animal noises.

Knowing him, he had a grand time. A bit concern that he doesn't seem to have standards in what he's looking for in a church. I think he enjoyed the grandma attention. My kids certainly got screwed in that department. One lives far away and the other one we wished stayed far away.

And speaking Dad tried calling all weekend. Then I get an email inviting me to his side of the family Christmas thing. The email said that Dad won't be able to be there but according to Dad's message that's not the case. I smell a rat.

Doesn't matter as the in-laws will be coming up same day so unable to attend. I'm trying to keep my snickering at a low level. I almost sound like that cartoon dog Muttly. The guys are all shouting their praises of God's deliverance.

At least we're thankful and some days that is more than half the battle.

I told Hubs this probably isn't the best time to be church shopping with all the holiday stuff going on. Sort of hard to get a feel for something when there is extra stuff going on. Actually we've sort of had fun with it. I think we could book out next year just shopping all the different churches.

It's too bad you can't do what some of those commercials offer. Where you have the long line of choices but you keep saying what you are looking for and it keeps narrowing it down for you until it's what you want.

But we can't be having that or things would get too close to making life a bit easier.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


I really did have a blog post for today, but I was actually struck with a moment of wisdom and sat on it before I hit publish. My fingers poured over the keyboard with wit and snarkiness and I was very real and honest with an awkward situation I had at the wally world for the loading of the carts.

Trouble with the light of day is that it didn't seem all that witty, plenty of snark but it just oozed of something else. Soo very glad I actually listened. Then I would be sitting here with like 1 mercy comment all while the crickets gave up from exhaustion.

Thought I would share a Thanksgiving blunder I had. I posted the stacked pie on facebook. Not being very fair to the bloggy peeps which is odd because all of you are on facebook. Anyhoo, this is the ugly pie that was so rich I couldn't even eat a whole piece.

I really have no idea what I did to it because my aunt's pie wasn't as yellow as this.

But my blunder came from another family treat. My nemesis - other than the squirrel - has been a butterscotch meringue pie. I have tried making this beast like 5 times in the last 10 years and every time it turns out into a soupy disaster. I even sat and watched it being made a few times all to no avail. I thought I would just use a box pudding mix to see if this would solved the problem.

It didn't.

Yet another disaster! But I made so much food the guys really didn't notice the botched dessert. Hubs was to busy with the stacked goodness. I think he was whispering sweet nothings to it at one point. Sort of sad and pathetic all at the same time. But I'm glad he enjoyed it. He thanked me a brazilian times.

I think I'm going to use that one forever.

I would like to offer you a piece of this but dude actually ate the whole thing. I think I had 2 pieces. Hubs is now in mourning as the beloved pie is all gone.

I tried to have a moment of sympathy but I couldn't pull it together to even be believable.

But now the guys are all dropping hints about cookies. Wha? You want me to drop everything and start cranking out cookies?? Yeah, I'll get right on that. Geez! Except the guys are still hoarding those new CDs. I think they are making good on their threat. Dang it.

I really hope I can find my baking mojo. I know the guys all feel that is part of Christmas. I feel like a jerk as they are all excited for Christmas. They are enjoying the decorations and we're going to go hit a big sale next weekend for clothes. They really don't have much on their list which is a blessing. I'm just feeling a lot of pressure to make good memories.

And we've had a few bad days. I think I may have told God to piss or get off the pot. And I'm still alive to tell the tale! Well let me rethink that - my Dad tried calling a few times. Wimp that I am just stared at the phone and said, "Hmm, let me think on that. Oh darn missed the call."

I seriously do not need any of that junk tossed in for good measure. I'm already trying not to crawl into a fetal position breathing through a paper bag. I guess he is on the countdown of being released and he will be at grandparents house for Christmas. We are so not going down to Indiana this year. Come to think of it we didn't go last year either. I'm seeing a whole new trend!

But again I feel all the pressure to make the holidays nice for the guys. Sort of hard to do that when I'm still sporting my green fur telling Hooville to pucker up and kiss it.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Peeps Have Spoken

I know I haven't posted much jokes lately. Right now I have a few extra political ones. Don't throw the tomatoes at me - it's nothing but jokes. All I can say is these are the ones I can post. And there are only 4. Let that one sink in for a minute.

I do have a question. I heard there is a court date to prove if the Prez was legal to even run. If they find out he wasn't, what the heck does that mean? Is there a recall or what? Oh my gosh does this mean he's really from China??? I just knew I should have paid more attention in my government class waaaay back when.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
America needs Obama care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
Heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
Obama has ordered GM to come out with a new model called the Pelosi. It's a convertible, but no one wants to see it with the top down.
On Halloween you put on a false face and trick people. This year Barack Obama went as – Barack Obama.
If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? America!
Q: What’s the difference between Barack Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers.

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; Have you ever had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

(Thanks Kerri)
The Department of Defense briefed the President this morning and told President Obama that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just how many is a brazilian?"

(Dianne wins this one!!)
After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message. Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable to crack the code. After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude.... You're holding it upside down!'

(Just so you know, I had to look at the 'code' sort of sideways to get it and then proceeded to fall out of my chair laughing.)

And just because....

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

Wow! I can hear the groaning from here!! At least you laughed, right? Right???

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Yet Another Long Post About Not Much

Can I just say a big ol' thank you to my InterPeeps? You are the best. Appreciate all the nice words you've been tossing at me. Don't stop - I'm still needy.

After surviving the rearranging of the blawg, it happened to give a loud ahem informing I haven't done much of anything with it for a while. Sure it got all spiffy for the holidays but said it hasn't had my usual wreck of grammar for all the world to see.

I told Hubs there are days I feel like the blog has a life of it's own. If it starts singing Feed Me Seymour, I swear I will blow it up and run screaming away from my computer. The pressure to post. The pressure for it to make sense. The pressure of proper grammar. The relief to think I did an okay job, then the reality that proof reading at 1 am is not the way to go.

Then there is the pressure to get my blog name out there so more people will read my therapy gone blog. Then the realization of that may not be the most brilliant plan that I have come up with crosses my mind. The reality that making it big in blog land ain't gonna happen, the recovery from this awareness.

It's exhausting.

But to be honest, I don't think I would want that. If I'm feeling pressure now with 5 people what would I feel if 20 people were reading this hot mess? I don't know if I could handle that. But you guys are the most awesome peeps in the world and I never would have "met" you if it wasn't for this train wreck of a blog.

I find there are few people that speak Joanna. It's sort of a weird language. You have to be very fluent in sarcasm. The level of snark that I can bring can be intense and seems to drive away most people. My posse is so small we sort of turned it into a recovery program. For the most part, I'm okay with that. While I have a tough shell on the outside, there is a soft nougat on the inside.

One I keep buried underneath a bag of cookies that I will use to distract people with at a moments notice. Step away from the nougat!! It's gooey and leaks.

Right after I typed the word nougat I had to look up the definition as I found the word weird. It said sugar paste with nuts. That would be me - super sticky nut job. It's like napalm but with humor.

And it just dawned on me that I totally lost my train of thought. Totally gone. There was a point, I swear. I mean at least not lately, but that's not the point. There really was a point.


Moving right along....

We had a nice quiet Thanksgiving as the guys were busy shoveling in the food. I actually did the stacked pie. Ugliest thing I ever saw. The directions were only suggestions as it gave me no clue what I was doing. Tasted good but I don't ever want to do it again. Hubs wants me to do another one as he really wants a couple people to try it to see what they think.

I'm thinking no.

After a looong turkey coma, we played Scattergories with the kids. We had a ball. Jared took the cake with one answer. You had to put down 'something you keep hidden' and the letter was N. We were giving our answers and when it came to his turn he said, "This is going to be disturbing but....nipples."

I'll pause as you try to regain your composure because we all lost it.

I think 2 of us choked on our spit we were laughing so hard. I had to smack Hubs and said only your child would come up with that. It didn't help that dude lifted his shirt to go along with his answer. We're still chuckling about it.

The guys had such an awesome time with it and were a bit frightened from all the noise I was making dealing with the blog make over, they asked if we could play again the next day. Nicholas and I were talking about it and we came up with the idea of using the letter T - for Thanksgiving - for the whole game. That was a mistake. Rather hard as a lot of us were getting the same answers. But we had fun.

Got the tree decorated. We kept it simple this year. Didn't feel like doing much. Still just reeling from a few things. God keeps telling me to keep at it and that we're on the right track. Really? Cuz I was thinking we had to have missed a turn somewhere along the line here. Just ugh and double ugh. With a holy crap thrown in for good measure.

Did not go shopping on Black Friday as that is a long standing tradition. Besides Hubs had to work. I did slip away Sunday afternoon to hit a good sale to pick up a few CDs for $8 a piece. Casting Crowns also has a new one out that I grabbed as well. Boys have snagged them already. Darn it. I haven't listened to any of them yet. I hear they were being held hostage but Hubs has negotiated them back for some home made cookies. I was going to use the shock and awe approach but Hubs has proven to be more diplomatic.

In the news of I actually accomplished something, I got all the guys' shorts packed away. Just in time for the first snow flakes. Procrastinators unite!! Tomorrow! Maybe. Then again the rest of the year has sort of opened up for me. Or we can wait until next year.

You get the point.

I got the unpleasant task of dealing with the boys' room. Going through who can wear what and who can't. I think the work LEGO is finally starting to fade from my foot. And they say skin is elastic. I think my skin is more like memory foam. I read on a home school site about someone using tackle boxes to deal with Legos. Said it kept the smaller pieces organized from the bigger pieces. The guys all think this is totally brilliant on my part.


Originally thought has yet to return so I'll call this yet another long winded blog post. Or same crap different day.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

My Poor Head!

I have searched high and low for something festive. Since the other blog site I was using went all private and all, I found myself without new backgrounds and headers. Backgrounds I found. Headers I have not.

So what is a scrapaholic suppose to do?

She pulls out her own crap. She takes a picture of it. Plays around with it on paint until she's used every swear word in the dictionary. She invents a few more. She drop kicks the cuss jar across the room out of frustration but then hops around in pain - adding more moolah for the cause. Finally gets it done and says, "Screw it! Ba freakin humbug!! I ain't no computer genius." and hits the darn save button.

I wish I were kidding.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go decorate the darn Christmas tree. Leave it to me to set a festive air for our home.

Slap my butt in some green fur and call me Grinch!!! Let the holiday hoopla begin!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Thought I would blow the dust off of this blog to say a big ol' THANKS to my InterPeeps! Appreciate all the encouragement you guys tossed my way. Means a lot to me.

I hope y'all have a great Thanksgiving. I am very thankful that we're not going anywhere this year. I hear there is a shindig down in Indiana but I said nopity-no. I seem to be having people issues and I have one cousin who's children may possibly be spawn of the devil. I've dragged my kids to many of these things and they don't go over to well. Last year Dad busted Jared's tooth. So I'm thinking no was a wise choice.

Instead I'm going to stay here and slave over the stove. Clearly I didn't think that one all the way through. However, it beats driving for 4 hours one way. Sort of kills the turkey coma I was planning on.

Since the guys have shown a knack for pie crust, I am going to attempt a top secret family dessert. Except it's going to be a WE project. As in get your ever living carcass over here and help me you eating machines or so help me it's cold gruel for a week!

And I don't even know what that is.

Stacked Pie has 8 layers of pie all stacked together. Hubs, being in the presence of childhood goodness from wonder cookies, has turned to whining, begging, and pleading to get this pie. I think in the 15 years of marriage it was made twice. I just hope this goes okay as these are some messed up instructions. Not sure if it's written in some secret code or what. I've had to email a few baking queen gals as some stuff doesn't make sense to me.

I did find out that the world's best cookies do not like me. Made me sicker than a dog! I couldn't eat the next day as I was still suffering from all the Crisco in it. Talk about lubing the tube. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth on my end while the guys all did a lot of rejoicing of having to eat my share of it.

I think I felt a chill.

You would think I would lose weight from being unable to eat anything but I did say there was like 5,000 calories in 1. I think I may need more stretchy pants.

My MIL sent me a blanket wrap with snaps down the front. I'm in it right now. I think this will be my wardrobe for all of winter. I told Hubs I needed to find a ski mask to match it as it's a blue and green plaid. He said no. Like it matters if I look like a dork at home. I don't answer the door anyway. The anointing was working again as she got this baby for $7. All hail the shopping anointing!!!

On top of that our house went into foreclosure. The timing of it all was just very crappy. As if we haven't lost enough lately. I sent an email off to my in-laws for prayers and I got a phone call informing me they raided their retirement funds and will be mailing us a check to get caught back up. Unemployment only helped with food and utilities over the spring and summer and sort of hard to make up 2 months worth of paycheck. Very grateful they are bailing us out. I'm keeping the guilt at bay with cookies.

But all the stress of that has been triggering panic attacks. Sort of irritated with it as I thought this was something I had beat. I was telling a friend of mine that in the last few months I've had a hard time even leaving the house. She said she's gone through that herself. I don't know if it's the ghost of Christmas past with all the stuff we went through with my folks or what but just some unpleasantness going on.

Again, the timing of all this just stinks to high heaven. I did tell Kerri I'm sort of skert to do the next week in our bible study because we've had a really hard go last few weeks. Seems like we made something mad. We came close to being houseless, we're now churchless, and pretty darn near friendless. Been very eye opening on who's your friend and who isn't. Not to mention exposing stuff about myself that I would rather not look at. All topped off with panic attacks, teenage angst, and trying to juggle a few home school projects at once. That's how my last 2 weeks have been - how's yours?

All of this in time for the holidays! Yippee.

Ba humbug!

But thought I would tell ya I'm thinking about all of ya. I'll get back in the saddle before too long. Hopefully. Very thankful for what I do have. I have a wonderful family. I should know as I threaten to beat them simple if they aren't wonderful. Very dear friends who read this and send me everything from thinking about you to goofy emails. I so can not wait till we're all up in heaven just having a big ol' bloggy celebration hoopin and hollering with each other. All while the guys look at each other and say, 'you too?' heehee

Stay safe, and happy turkey coma!

Monday, November 16, 2009


I think I'm going to have to take a bloggy break. This last week we've had several things pop up and have just been brutal to deal with and it's sort of taken the starch right out of me. While that normally doesn't stop me, I was dealt a pretty nasty blow on top of all of that and it's left me rather broken.

I had never meant for my blog to be read by people I saw on a regular basis. It was a way to get to know people who live in another state - sort of like pen pals as well as my therapy. I try to be very open and honest and what you see, or read, really is what you get. Trouble with that is people I do see on a regular basis has taken stuff I have said and twisted it around for their own agenda and a couple people have flat out lied about things and 1 person in particular for spiteful revenge.

I never did phony and fake too well. What a pity as that seems to get you far in church. That really has been my church experience. The faker you are, the holy you are. Oh dear Lord, Barbie got saved! Surely she hears from God better as she's able to stand on her tip toes for a very long time. I must have missed that section in the book of plastic on how thou shall be fake on outside and hollow on the inside.

Apparently struggling with things and being honest about it will bite you in the butt.

Forgive me for struggling. I've had health issues not to mention being burned out. I'm told it's because I've tried to do things in my own strength and that I'm in disobedience and that is why I have no joy in my life. Guess spiritual warfare isn't a factor. Nor is other people's crap and getting tired of dealing with it.

It got to be to the point that I just couldn't serve in the area I was. Trouble with that is the minute you stop "serving" in a church they have no use for you. Suddenly you go to not really being a person with value but part of a problem to be solved. I'm told I don't trust leadership and need counseling. I've been open and honest saying I've battled feelings of not being wanted. Yet I'm continually amazed that the people I am around reinforce it 100 times over.

I just needed a friend to tell me I'm sorry you're going through a hard time and I'm here for you. Instead I got the cold shoulder and told 'don't know what to say to you'. Not to mention the absolute bullsh*t of people and their petty little cliques.

I can say this has been the week from hell. I am just crushed that things have been falsely said about me. I have known for months that something was off with some people. I even went to them only to be told everything was just fine only to find out through someone else that isn't the case.

Yet I'm the one with the problem?

The kicker is some of those people read this blog. Some of them even claimed to be my friends. And I'm just hurt beyond words. The timing of all of this is just rotten to the core. Seriously. If I were to list out what we went through every single day this last week and the battle that has been going on - this crap was just the cherry on top.

Where that leaves me, I have no clue. It's pretty clear I'm not welcomed in a couple circles. I think I just need to pull back and have some alone time with God, a box of Kleenex, and a bag of chocolate.

This is just a break and it might not even be for a full week. Depends on how good the chocolate is I guess. :}