I was about ready to make dinner. I spied J scootching along the floor in his own little world of imagination. I let out a deep sigh and called him over.
J: Scootch, scootch, "Yeah?"
Me: "I’m about ready to make dinner."
Me: "It's like this, I’m not in the best of moods. Any idea what is going to happen?"
J: "You’re going to make something I don’t like and (shuddering) it will not go well for me if I make a fuss. Right?"
Me: "You got it. So let’s start the dinner negotiations now."
J: "What are you making?"
Me: "Nacho Potato Soup."
Eyes roll in the back of his head and he makes an ack noise.
Me: "Make me an offer."
Tapping his finger on his lips deep in thought. "No soup but a ham sandwich."
Me: "A cup of soup with the ham sandwich."
J: "A small cup of soup with ham AND cheese sandwich."
Me: "With ranch?"
Hubs on the floor with laughter, both of us look over at him and asked, "What?"
Pauses to catch breath, "What was that all about?"
Me: "We all know he’s not going to eat it. Why have him play around with it and then bug me an hour later for snacks? Besides, I’m not in a good mood. That last nerve will rise from the ashes to lash out at the nearest victim. I sit between you and him. Any questions?"
"Nice knowing ya, J."
And since I like to serve up that sarcasm as fresh as possible, I put his soup in a sauce cup rather than a bowl.
J: Sluuurp! "Hey! This taste cheesy."
Twin harmony, "Duh, where have you been?"
J: "This isn’t too bad except for all the veggies."
Me: "Then just slurp the soup and leave the gunk behind."
J: "I never thought of that. Thanks Mom!"
"I’m here to serve your every whim." I said dryly.
I really should have come up with this idea sooner. It saved a lot of time and made for a peaceful meal where I didn't have to threaten him. I'm awesome! Possibly a total mom slacker but that's besides the point.
I did have a lovely time with my dessert. I had a bag of caramel filled Dove chocolates. My hands slightly shook as I slowly peeled off the foil. I bit into the creamy milk chocolate and let my tongue caress the caramel filling. My eyes rolled in the back of my head as I let out a sigh.
Feeling eyes on me, I slightly cracked open one eye to see my Hubs looking at me with an odd mixture of longing and yet slightly disturbed at the sight. I cleared my throat while I quickly finished my bite.
"Do you want one?" I timidly asked, almost afraid of his answer.
"Nooo, I think I want to live." he said while backing away from me.
"What do you mean? I'm offering you one. Do you want it?" The last part came out of my mouth more like a dare. I could feel my lips curling into a snarl as I felt my hands tighten around the bag clutching it closer to my body.
True to the wisdom that courses through his veins, my husband said that was something I picked out for me and mine it will remain.
Dang y'all - the power of Dove is not to be trifled with! I think I heard the guys are planning to spike my cereal with Midol pills tomorrow.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I was about ready to make dinner. I spied J scootching along the floor in his own little world of imagination. I let out a deep sigh and called him over.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Again, thanks for all your comments. It did dawn on me that Cruella and Howard have brought some great blog posts and this will bring some of those to an end. I think I can handle a year's worth of peace. That is until they send some letter that will completely honk me off then all bets are off.
I was on the phone with various relatives this morning and someone had the brilliant idea that since Hubs wasn't working he could go pack (gasp!) it all again.
I can't repeat what Hubs said.
But I did relay his message to grandma that it just wouldn't be possible.
Hubs and I are now taking bets to see how long it will take to get a letter and if the letter will be a demanding go do this or a you suck and owe us the very air that is in your lungs. Drama is what they serve best.
Margie sent me another hilarious joke (Thank you!) and this is a shout out to all the guys who hunt!
ROPING A DEER
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down), then hog-tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slowly and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse -- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move toward the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.
*Hee hee* I thought of a few good hunters that would get a kick out of this.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
First, I want to say thanks for all the well wishes. I promise I will stop licking the computer screen. Maybe that's why they tell us to watch out for all those computer viruses?
Second, I got to watch the Closer last night and am happy another show is back on-line. But I digress as that is prone to happen.
If life keeps on this path then I would like a different road thankyouverymuch. Today after many a misadventure after another, I got some news that even caused aunt Flo to say, "Dang! Now that's messed up!"
My life is stranger than fiction.
I spent much of the day giving the guys hair cuts and making sure they all got showered. All while Hubs ran about seventy loads of laundry to the laundry mat or rip you off mat as it should be called. The clothes are being finished in our own dryer if that gives you any idea.
More wailing and gnashing of teeth over schoolwork - check. Made the spawn read - again - so peace could reign supreme - check. Want to go hide in corner - double check.
I was getting ready to put dinner on the table when the phone rang. Hubby answered it. I could tell by the body language that this wasn't something good he was hearing. He mouthed the words, "It's your grandma" and continued to pace like the caged animal I know him to be at times.
As I set out silverware I put two and two together - my folks got arrested again. I continued to watch the pacing, the rubbing of the eyes, the hand fluffing the newly sheered head - he was pissed off. In his quiet seething way.
The details are a bit blurry right now. I guess they had a court date today. Their SS was stripped away and they protested and got a year in jail each. Grandma begged Hubs to go get their car in a round about sort of way.
You know what amazes me? How little things like not having the stinking keys can be overlooked at times like this. She said they are in the car. Wait. What? The keys are locked inside the car in the federal parking garage?
Too bad, so sad.
Like I really want my mug splashed on the news for breaking into a car in the federal building parking garage. If I'm going to go down and do hard time it will show a crazed me holding someone hostage stating, "Just hand over the chocolate and no one will get hurt."
Personally, I find it interesting that I've remained calm, cool, and collective while Hubs went bazerk. When I questioned him about it, he said it's just been a bad week. Did I mention he's been home and will be home the rest of this week? Toss in the whole washing machine thing and you can just tell we have been having loads of fun here.
Sarcasm. It's what's for dinner tonight. And I got more where that came from too.
Right now I'm doing fine. Chalk it up to that last nerve being the crusty broad that she is keeping it all pulled together OR I've past the point of no return. We did pray for their safety at dinner tonight and that was all we could muster.
I must say the progress I have made from just this summer is amazing. I'm not even upset about their stuff. Mercy, that is huge! Friend of theirs said she's going to go pack it all up and put it in storage. Good for her. I've done it twice. Lot of good that does!
I'm not losing any sleep over this tonight. Is that the cold meds talking? Possibly, but sleep I will. I just know this is going to ruin my chances at selling them on eBay. Maybe I should put myself up for adoption. Wonder what my chances are?
Monday, January 26, 2009
Oh my InterPeeps! Be glad you are not up close and personal.
Yesterday I came home from church and felt chilled. While most would ask if Mom had called, it was not that type of chill. I wrapped up in two blankets and watched a movie with the boys. I was feeling worse.
I then took a couple of generic Tylenol cold meds. I was out for the rest of the day. I woke up, staggered to the bathroom only to discovered that aunt Flo decided to show up for a visit. I know TMI, but my aunt Flo could so kick your aunt Flo's butt. She likes to keep things messed up. She will be MIA for 3 months, give me PMS for 3 weeks straight, then show up for a tsunami of a party for one - her. She is a diva, while I curl up and sit rocking in the corner.
So this morning I got up feeling slightly better as I had a drug induced coma. Got up later than usual only to discover that the boys did not do any school work. I made them read which left the place peacefully quiet and I didn't have to help. All was okay until Hubs got home from work by 12:30. Whee.
The only good news is I'm forcing him to thaw out the washing machine as I about went postal on it this morning. The pipes themselves aren't freezing it's the hose from the pipes to the washing machine that is having issues.
Much like it's owner.
Once he's done with that I'm going to force him to go get me more meds, hit the library, and go pay a few bills. My argument was he's the only one dressed. It may have been a valid argument or maybe it was the crazed eye-twitch with the achoo attacked to it. Who knows? But I'm just grateful that he didn't put up much of a fuss.
As for me, I don't even feel like talking so you know this is serious. I think I'm going back to bed.
Posted by Joanna at 2:01 PM
Friday, January 23, 2009
The boys cracked me up the other day. N and J were emptying out the dishwasher while M was shlumping through his schoolwork. After they got it emptied, I loaded up the dishwasher and ran it.
A few hours later J had asked for a snack, which is all I ever hear. He looked in the cupboard for a bowl but didn't find what he was looking for so he opened up the dishwasher and said, "Whoa! Where did those come from?"
I asked what did he mean and he said, "We just emptied it out so where did all those dishes come from? Are they clean too?"
We may have to call him Jethro as he's not use to them fancy washing things that cleans the dishes when everyone knows the dogs can do a better job.
"Are you serious?" I had to ask.
"They are clean, aren't they?"
I bet if I didn't force him to put his own clothes away he would believe in the laundry fairy too.
Then if that weren't enough, N kept bugging me for a Dove chocolate. The chocolate their Dad made sure to get me - that chocolate. He has been relentless. I started laughing because he must not have learned the lesson of don't mess with a woman and her chocolate.
I think I just heard a chorus of amens out there.
He didn't get it the first 5 times so I decided to get in his face and clue him in on how this works. I told him he is not my equal therefore does not get the same privileges as me. Second, I don't bug him when he gets his own candy nor did I ask for any of his Christmas stocking candy. What's mine is not his, this isn't a democracy it's a dictatorship and will only be severed when he's a legal adult.
Too bad I don't recognize 18 as the legal age for adulthood, but that's neither here nor there.
I told Hubs he failed to teach his son to back off momma's chocolate. And people wonder why I hide chocolate in the tampon box. Trouble is I've joked about it too much that now I have to hide the tampon box. It's not like I can use them or anything so I figured it should be a safe spot.
I was suppose to send this recipe off in an email and I sort of forgot. I decided it would make a great post. I was thinking the title could be Cheap Meals Cuz We're Broke.
NACHO POTATO SOUP
1 box Au Gratin Potatoes
1 can corn; drained
1 can diced tomatoes and green chilies; drained
2 cups water
2 cups milk
2 cups Velveeta; cubed
In saucepan, mix potatoes, cheese mix, water, corn, and tomatoes and boil. Simmer for 15-18 minutes until potatoes are tender. Add milk and cheese cubes. Cook and stir until cheese is melted. Serve it up with crushed tortilla chips on top.
Cheap, easy, quick - my favorite thing!
Wait, that sort of reminds me of mah Hubs. How interesting.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wow is about all I can say about LOST. I won't give anything away for those that haven't watched it yet, but I will say it was a fast two hours and they are finally bringing it together - sort of. Looks to be a great season and very fast paced.
Had another dragged out day with M with his schoolwork and I spent most of the day using the hairdryer to thaw out pipes.
What amazed me was as soon as Hubs walked through the back door, he tried the washing machine and the thing worked! For him and him alone. Our computers do the same thing. They won't work for me but as soon as they sense his presence they immediately work.
I think they fear him. They know he will use violence on them to get them to cooperate. I heard him threatened a computer with a hammer once and it worked! I bet they all remember what happened to the bat when faced with that hammer. Made it an offer it couldn't refuse.
This evening our power flicked off and came back on. I was just thankful we had power so we could watch LOST that I forgot that I wouldn't be able to get the Internet connection back on-line. I did exactly what Hubby said to do - nothing. Hubs entered the room and the computer in sheer terror worked for him.
Behold the power of the Hubs!
I have spent days battling the washing machine with little success. He gets it to work every time. Dude is a force to be reckoned with!
I did say I have to keep his wonderfulness under wraps as too much exposure to his awesomeness could cause problems for others. Last year during winter our neighbor was stuck in her driveway. We were on our way to church and couldn't stop to help her. Hubs said he felt like a heel. Here he was on his way to "praise God" and yet couldn't even help his neighbor.
This winter we got pounded with snow right after Thanksgiving. Hubby got the snow blower out and did our driveway and her driveway. She thanked him a lot as there was no way to get out of the driveway.
Hubs said she asked if she could do anything for him to which he said no. He joked with me that he wondered if she baked Christmas cookies as I hadn't started baking yet for the holiday. A few evenings later she showed up with a plate of home made Christmas cookies and a card.
The funny part was she was flirting with him - right in front of me. AND she got his name wrong. We have no idea why but she thought his name was Dick. It took every ounce of self-control not to bust out laughing while I fell on the floor from lack of oxygen.
After she left I had a lot of fun teasing him the rest of the night. "Mom can I have another cookie?" "Ask Dick. Bwahahaha!" On and on I went with this tired joke.
When he opened up the card she gave him a gift card for $100 to a local store. She said people like him make a community a nice place to live. Wow! Totally saved our butt this holiday. And she said she got herself a snow blower for Christmas.
She saw pure awesomeness. I just hope it wasn't Dick.
I don't tease him any more about the dick jokes as I ran that horse for all it was worth. I thought about all that he does - for me, for his sons and for other people. He has never been a look at me type of guy nor will he. And when he came downstairs tonight at 11:45 p.m. to scare the jeepers out of the computer so his woman could have the Internet, how could I not let out a happy little sigh?
Awesomeness in its purest form.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I am so frustrated I’m about ready to scream. Oh wait, I already did that. It was a no good ugly nasty day.
Is this a teenager thing, a boy thing, a twin thing, or a lazy thing? M has two speeds – slow and extra slow. He is smart, a sharp cookie, and has insight on things that are beyond his years. Yet the dude can’t move faster than a turtle – half dead – on a cold day.
He spent yet another day still doing his school work all the way up to dinner time. It’s not that he doesn’t know it or understands it he just doesn’t want to do it and therefore will take an excruciatingly long time. He gets so frustrated with me griping at him to move his butt he has been caught cheating just to get me off his back and to get it done.
Another proud moment for me as mom and teacher.
I was thinking he doesn’t understand it but that is not the case. When he’s motivated to do it he flies right through it with hardly a mistake. I have yet to find what motivates him. He takes forever to get out of bed, to get dressed, and to brush his teeth. I'm starting to think he's doing this on purpose to drive me batty.
Last year I was so frustrated with the wailing and gnashing of teeth, and that was just mine, that I told Hubs I was done. Did not want to home school no mo - had enough of it thankyouverymuch. He said we would pray about it. God trumped my no with His own no and won. I still think He cheated knowing the whole out come and all.
This year, through the miracle of video games, N is so motivated to play that he cooks right through his work that most days he’s done with his work before most of us are out of bed. M is so discouraged by it he self-destructs without even trying. The same scenario except different kid for reading. M flies through a book while N feels he’s not as good so won’t try unless threatened with an inch of his life. He is even willing to take it down to a centimeter.
M feels that N and J gets all the time with video stuff while he is still stuck doing his work. He saw how he needed to get up sooner to get going on school stuff sooner. Hallelujah! Trouble is M is dragging his feet that now N has to wait on him before he can finish his school stuff. Not good!
We try not to anger N because he’s a royal pain in the arse when in a foul mood and knows it. To his credit he has been working on it and has made a lot of improvements. He likes to tackle a project head on and get it done so he can move on to whatever it is he wants to do. So for him to have to wait on the other computer sends him over the edge and his favorite person to take out his frustration is J.
I'll bet you J is going to end up being taller than the twins. My how the tables will turn. Luckily for them J isn't that type of kid.
What is so odd is this was all reversed last year. M was motivated and got his stuff done while N and I went toe to toe. What is the deal? Now N is going along nice and smooth and I’m ready to smack M with his stanky slipper. Arg!
I’m just a bit frustrated with having to motivate everyone to do their junk all while I need to do my own junk to keep the house moving along. I was in full blown rant while praying only to have God remind me how I was at that age. That's the problem right there. I want them to turn out better dagnabbit!
Hubs saved the day on a few things and oddly enough I'm sad that he's going back to work. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful Hubby is going to work tomorrow. There have been pros and cons. I won't focus on the cons or I will go and smack him with a shovel.
Gee, maybe that's why we stopped and got my favorite chocolate on the way home tonight?
But the man has the ability to just calm all of us down or at least me and that's more than half the battle. On top of all his calmness he is talented in the spacial arena. Dude can pack 20 pounds of junk in a 5 pound bag. Truly is a gift. I get a brain cramp trying to put 3 pounds of junk in a 5 pound bag.
It's my own brand of special.
So Hubs got the basement all organized as well as a few other things. He got a few things done for me that I had asked to be done. AND he was able to explain to M a few things with math that made it all click. It was at the point that I was ready to take the book and whack the kid on every syllable of we.already.did.this.so.why.are.you.just.now.saying.you.don't.get.it? I can say both myself and M was thankful for the intervention.
I was sad when Hubs went off to bed because he gets to go to work. I had to pull out the checkbook to remind myself the sad state of affairs we are in which sort of back fired. I was already in a bad mood, throw in some self-doubt of I can't deal with the spawn, now top it off with the whole money and needing more of it and I was ready to crack open a tube of cookie dough. It's 5 o'clock somewhere.
Suddenly the holiday weight gain is making sense.
And in other news of I can't believe she still whines about this - I did call my Mom. Thankfully, I only got the answering service. She called today but I couldn't answer it as we were walking out the door. Message was her sounding chipper and thanking me for calling. She said the doc said it was the worst case he had ever seen in his entire career. I can believe that!
I know Wednesday will be better. If nothing else the mind inducing cramp of LOST will start up again so I can scream at the TV my 102 questions. Then I'll spend the next day wondering all the possibilities until I am forced to focus on something else.
Like thawing out the washing machine again. Or explain a lesson for the 12th time while my kids blow bubbles with their own spit.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Well, I got nothing going on right now that is blog worthy. Rather than whine for long sentences at a time - as usual - I will focus on the positive. Hubs will have some work by the end of the week. Now if I could just find the mattress that has all the money stashed in it life would be great. Which makes me think of this joke...
GRANDPA AND THE IRS
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and piss into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
Moral: Don't mess with old people. Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill! And, artificial intelligence will be trumped by natural stupidity.
ATHEIST WANTS HOLY DAY...
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized day. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate representation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, 'Case dismissed.'
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah. Yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.'
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, 'But you do. Your client, is woefully ignorant.'
The lawyer said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.'
The judge said, 'The calendar says April 1st is 'All Fools Day. Psalm14:1 states 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Therefore, it is the opinion of this court that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool and April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned!'
Just an FYI - I added a label section on the side. If you are new and would like to look up past jokes I've posted look under fun, fluffy, or goofy. Who couldn't use a good laugh?
We are so close to LOST coming back on-line! I have tried to get into 24 but sadly it's left me really not caring which is a shame. Don't let Jack know - he may be tempted to torture me back into watching it. I watched the end of last season tonight and it gave me a taste for the whole crazy LOST mind-bend. I have to stinking find out what happens!! I feel like I'm trapped or addicted or possibly both. Dagnabbit!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
It is sooo cold that my pipes to the washing machine are frozen. This has happened before and usually some quality time with the hairdryer fixes it.
I thawed out the hot water pipe, added hot water, let it sit to try and thaw the bottom out like last time. Loaded up washing machine as I was informed that the guys have nothing clean - as in zero things cleaned.
Thanks so much for waiting for the last second. Appreciated it.
Thought it was running and when I popped back in to check there was a funny smell and no washing machine activities. Great.
As I was bailing water out of the washing machine this left my brain with some unoccupied time and that's never a good thing as I start to think of random stuff. Like - have you ever said a phrase that you’ve heard all your life and you suddenly caught it and wondered why in the heck would anyone think to say it?
Ex: "So quiet you could hear a mouse pissing on a cotton ball."
There is no way I want to be in the same room with a mouse let alone while its relieving itself. At least it’s considerate to pick something absorbent so I can’t fault it too much. I have never experienced that level of quietness in my life so that one causes my head to throb.
But the next one has me totally stumped not to mention it felt very fitting for a cold day like today. If you’re smart you’ll leave now. All you guys should hike it out of here. Don't say you weren't warned and don't cry at me if this will scar you for years.
"Colder than a witch’s titty in a brass brassiere."
Honestly! Why??? And why a witch? Has it ever occurred to anyone the reason why the woman is a witch is because her, um, bewbs (kudos to Holly for that term) is strapped into a brass bra? I bet it was some sick fantasy her husband came up with. And if it was cold would the nurps stick like a tongue to a pole?
Isn’t it down right disturbing what goes through my mind?
Shouldn’t we start some sort of support group? Remember the Sylvester and Tweety bird where he enters a rehab – birds anonymous or B.A.? It could be Bewbs Anonymous: "I was a mean nasty thing calling down spells and hexes until B.A. helped me find the right gear to wear."
Let’s just hope it’s not the cotton the mouse used. Just saying that won’t help the mood. Might even have dire consequences.
Thoughts like this sent me down another bunny trail. Like what gravity does to bewbs. I’ll bet you anything gravity is a woman. Who else could be so mean other than a woman? Only a woman will slowly suck the life right out of you. It will remind you that time marches on and you have the road map on your bod to prove it.
She was probably kicked to the curb by Father Time who had the hots for Mother Nature and has turned to a life of vengeance.
Gravity decided to give me a birthday present. It said the girls would hang just a bit lower than normal. This confuses me as I am a card holder of the itty bitty club. I'm not flat but when you see the long line of big knockers I have come from what I got going on is a sad disappointment.
Made for fun times at family reunions during my teen years.
Mom has some big knockers and my MIL could make a watermelon cry with envy. Thank God I didn’t have a girl or she would have scored from the gene pool on both sides of the fence only to need a wheelbarrow to heft her enormous bewbs by the ripe old age of 15.
The only condolence I've had is that they have endured some serious sagging over the years. I think my MIL could drown in a tub while her girls were dry. Suddenly the itty bitty award wasn’t so bad UNTIL I noticed some dropping mah self.
What's up with that? I thought perkiness was the reward. Shows you what thought did. They aren’t flopping on the floor or anything but they aren’t as perky as they used to be and that is just so wrong. I was not warned of this possibility.
I informed Hubs that I need some chicken cutlets to stuff in my bra to keep the girls locked and loaded. It was when he agreed with me is when I slapped him upside the head with a stanky slipper. Truly this was an act of war. I had to resort to violence because if truth be told, a guy just won’t find it insulting to say his junk is swaying a lot lower than normal.
For all I know that is a compliment.
When he said I am getting older and these things are to be expected I did the flying ninja kick. Sadly, by the time I got my leg into position he had already left the room and then had to be called back in to help me off the floor.
I can't wait for him to go back to work. My schedule is all discombobulated and has left my brain to ponder such thoughts. Maybe it's just the weather.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
When we last left our heroine she was rather flummoxed on what to do about her parental units. As she was getting out of her vehicle heading into the grocery store the thought hit her, rather hard, that her mom was having surgery that very day.
Trying to summon the urge to care and failing miserably, our heroine came to the conclusion that there was nothing she could do about it and continued on dealing with her own business.
When she got home she noticed the message light was blinking a very angry impatient blink which she just knew meant her mother had called.
Taking a deep breath, she picked up the phone.
You have 5 new messages.
1st message: *beep* "Hey Jo, it's Mom. Just in case you wanted to know, I had surgery today and I'm back home."
"Ah yes, that is what that tight feeling in the back of my neck was all about." thought our heroine.
2nd message: *beep* "Jo. It's Mom again. I couldn't remember if I had told you or not but I had foot surgery today. I'm home, a little groggy but okay in case you cared. Bye."
"Still trying hard to reach that care part. Only the foot? Wonder why they overlooked fixing her head or finding her heart." she viciously thought. "It's a good thing no one knows I think like this sometimes." she sighed to herself.
3rd message: *beep* "Jo! This is yous fadder speaking. Your Mudder's surgery went well and her foot should be human rather than the chimpanzee impersonation she was pulling. Thought I would let you know. Talk to ya later. Bye!"
"Either the man is clueless that she's called twice or this is some pathetic attempt at pulling on a heart string. Good thing those got snipped." she thought while shaking her head in disbelief.
4th message: *beep* "Jo! Hey, don't you ever answer your phone? I've had surgery! Call me. If you care." Click!
"I wonder if that was a rhetorical question? I also wonder why type of drugs they have her on?" she questioned.
5th message: *beep* "Uh, it's yous fadder again. Your Mom is rather loopy so don't mind her. Haven't heard from ya in awhile, call when you can. Your grandpa was in the hospital last week and is home now. Hope all is well. Bye!"
Our heroine erases all the messages and goes about putting things away. When her Hubs asked who called she filled him in to which he replied it's too bad it wasn't brain surgery rather than foot surgery. He asked if she cared. She said she would sleep on it and get back to him on that question. Now she just hopes she doesn't fry for it.
Darn those flummoxed emotions. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a clue what to do.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I think my brain froze. It is c-c-cold!! Hubs said there is no work the rest of the week. Wheee. Too cold to post anything so here's a couple funnies.
CURTAIN RODS (Thanks Holly)
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned....
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far.
These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying; they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.
They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved.
They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy
... then they turned the page.
On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Second chorus of cricket chirp.
Looks around room and tries to come up with some topic.
Crickets starting to die off.
I know I totally left this in cliffhanger mode. I really do have a good topic and I am going to go somewhere with it....
just not sure it's going to be as good as what I first had thought.
First off, now that I kicked the crickets out of the way, thank you so much for the well b-day wishes. I had a peaceful day until we risked life and limb to go out to eat cuz I wasn't about to cook, and then went to a movie with just Hubs.
While waiting for Hubby, I got hit on by some dude that I really think I was old enough to be his mother. I told Hubby he was forbidden to use the bathroom ever again. I know I didn't have any cougar singles going on so I chalked it up to my fabulous hair.
Which I will get to that in a moment.
Got to have some girl time and we shopped without having kids which is close to utopia. We had a lot of fun so all in all not a bad way to celebrate.
I did not hear one peep from my folks which was good as I didn't feel like fighting. I'm still a bit steamed over their last trick but not exactly sure how to handle it. Sort of frustrating when you pretty much know your opinion doesn't matter so why bother to make the effort?
Today I got an email from my cousin that my folks are saying stuff about me that she knows for a fact isn't true. I guess my grandparents are all upset with me now. I'm starting to think I should just hand out numbers and tell people to get in line. I've had a long dance with misunderstanding. It makes for a lousy dance partner. It steps on your toes yet insists you keep on dancing.
Since the show must go on, I will own up to what has caused a stir for all who see me on a regular basis. Thanks for all the compliments about my hair, but it's faker than a four dollar bill.
My hair has thinned out as the years have gone by. Part of the hormone issues. I’ve tried a few things with no success to stop the problem. While researching some ideas I found a pull through wig. Not sure how to explain it but you pull your own hair through large holes in this wig. I’ve wanted one for a long time and for Christmas/birthday I got one.
Oh.my.word my hair now looks awesome! Volume galore. The color, the cut - it just works.
Hubs picked out the color and it just works with my own hair color or the color that I dye it to be accurate. This has just put an extra bounce in my step and yes a boldness that is just a wee bit scary. It is so cute. Styling it is still a bit tricky but I'm getting there.
We thought it would be subtle and didn't think anyone would notice but that has not been the case. It even interrupted bible study. It brought about much praise and we thanked God for the miracle of hair goodness. We about lifted up holy hair brushes in thanksgiving but thankfully they stopped me before I could come up with some song on the fly.
What cracks me up is the analogy I got from this. On my own I’m not enough but when I "put on" Jesus I’m more than enough and I have confidence that I didn’t from my own ability.
Leave it to God to go to any length to get my attention. Which is good because it’s rather on the fleeting side.
Um, where was I?
The boys were teasing me about it as it has taken them a while to get used to seeing me with it. Although M was saying I’m already beautiful and doesn’t understand why I would want it. Their Dad said it's a girl thing and just learn to go with it as they should never anger the hair. I'm so proud.
Since I am weird, I thought I would name it. Calling it IT just reminded me of the Addam's family and that was just a bit too creepy for me. I first called it Erma until we decided that was an old lady name and this baby brings way too much sass to the table. I finally decided on Babbette. I'm not even sure if that's how you spell it but it works.
My kids now think I need to be medicated to which I smirk and say goal achieved. Can't wait to see their reaction if I get some special turkey cutlets and stuff them in my bra. Sure it's false advertisement but thankfully I'm not on the market and I am having way too much fun.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
That title only works if you say it Gomer Pile style. Just thought I would give you that helpful tip. And if you have no clue who that is just nod your head and pretend.
I got an email that my blog received a 7.2 rating on Blogged.com. This is both good and bad simply because of what it did to my brain - the crazy one that has been known to leave me high and dry.
The normal me totally freaked out cuz I didn't know I was going to be graded. If I had only known I could have come up with something better to blog about than smelly slippers and a crazy mother. At least I would like to think so until the crazy brain fell on the floor laughing hysterically because that was as good as it was going to get around here.
Once that panic of a surprised test went away the diva decided to show up. I clicked on where I was suppose to go and scrolled away. And kept going and going and going and going. By the time I hit the hundredth page I was no longer feeling very blog worthy.
As I kept scrolling I started to wonder what was it that made me lose a higher status. I bet it's the grammar. I don't use the right word. Like breathe - I put breath. Spell check doesn't get those because it's spelled right. Dagnabbit!
And I tend to ramble and not make a point but it couldn't have been THAT, right? *Clears throat* Moving on...
After 200+ pages I found my blog. First, I snorted because it had last years blog design and diva brain was going off. I, um, even took a picture of it. Got the number and everything but after suffering from severe mockery from Hubs I won't be posting it.
But I can tell you that I have proof that my therapy gone blog was number 4,776 out of over 18,000 blogs. And that is pretty impressive. There goes my underachiever status. I even got a very good. It was a nice surprise. And a total shock.
I don't think I'm that good but hey if I snowed another person I can live with it. I won't even let it go to my head. Amazing what a serving of humble pie will do to your outlook especially when the guys are ready to give me another helping or three.
In other news, as if I had any, all the Christmas stuff is down, packed, and in the basement. Then I cleaned like a woman on a mission like getting rid of stench of Pepe. I then pulled the ultimate wife move of honey could you help me move this around? I was pulling everything out and packing stuff up so since I was cleaning I thought it would be a good time to move the furniture around.
Hubby hates it when I do this. My Mom changed the furniture every few weeks so I'm trying to find a balance. So far it's looking like we have a new look every other year. Maybe that's why I'm always changing the look of my blog and my avatar?
I got to thinking about that. All my aunts moved the furniture around like crazy. It truly is a miracle that I even have toes on my feet. I am missing the toenail off of one cuz it had an unfortunate accident with an end table. After I rolled around in pain convinced I was hosing the place down with blood, my Mom put that red stuff on it that sent you screaming like you were on fire. Probably because you were.
She would blow on it and tell me to get over it and if I would have watched where I was going this wouldn't have happened. Oh man! I think I said the same thing yesterday to one of my kids! Oh the agony! Do they make a pill to make that go away?? At least I didn't dip him in the antiseptic stuff that eats your skin off so I at least scored one point in the good mom category.
But I have two rooms that are really clean right now. Wonder how long that's going to last? Thankfully all the Christmas stuff is done. On with the new year!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I'm sure everyone was holding their breath to see if I survived the stanky slippers or maybe that was just me holding my breath. Whatever.
It's not like I'll beat a dead horse into the ground or anything.
But there seems to be a resistance to all things soapy and baking soda. This is so frustrating.
I did wash their slippers before but in cold water and didn't dry them. This time around I cooked them in hot water with baking soda, soap and a bit of oxyclean thrown in for good measure. If I'm going to do something I might as well over do it. Then I tossed them in the dryer with the best smelling dryer sheets.
I don't know why I bothered. It smelled like I was cooking skunk for dinner. I think I may have discovered a new weight loss secret - nasty hot stench will kill off all desire for food unless you have a hankering for skunk then all bets are off.
The too big slippers shrunk to a perfect fit but the stench is still there just at a lower level. The boys are at this weird nobody makes anything to fit them stage. Shoe sizes go up to a 6Y and then nothing until you hit the men's size. Same thing with pants. We've had to start buying men's stuff in a small for the boys and then shrink it as best I can.
Now that is something I can do.
The boys were really happy that the slippers fit and according to them the smell is way less. Yeah don't think so. If they are happy I guess I'm happy except I now have Pepe Le Pu hanging out at my back door asking me if a fair female skunk is available for some wooing.
I sent him towards the dog's area. Hopefully the old girl will take him out.
If I remember correctly this was the age my brother started bathing in Polo to battle his BO. To this day I can't be anywhere near the stuff. My Dad used to say he smelled like a French whore. It didn't mean that much until bro was stationed abroad. He called home to let my Dad know that wasn't funny and said that was a huge insult. I'm just not sure to whom - him or the whore.
Now that this post has totally gone to the dumps I'll toss this out in an attempt to clean it up.
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Sounds to me like she's been ....sweeping around!!!
All that groaning is either from the joke or the smell crept through the computer screen. I did say attempt to clean it up. I think I'll quit while I'm behind.
Guess what? I'm still looking at Christmas decorations. There will be mutiny if it doesn't come down soon. I'm starting to think this is some sick payback I have rightfully coming my way.
Monday, January 5, 2009
I am a strange duck. I knew this on many levels but today I just screamed quirky. I can't say it was just one thing, it was an on-going strangeness that is me. I didn't get dressed. By tomorrow morning I will offend myself in my stank and will run to the shower.
Or I may decided to get some revenge on my boys.
The older two need new slippers in the worst way. The stench from these things makes you think of the walking dead. I tried spraying them with Fabreeze. The slippers cracked up laughing, yanked the bottle out of my hand, guzzled it and then belched out a stench that was even worse than before.
They stink, stank, stunk.
I would burn them but I think it would kill off the entire county and I just can't live with that type of guilt. Sure we would be in a better place - stank free - but I don't think I would win any brownie points for mass murder of the nostril senses.
I can only hope that last sentence doesn't send the FBI out to my house - again. I really should make them some goodies seeings how they tend to check up on me on a regular basis. They refused my application into the witness protection program again and suggested I seek therapy. I have a blog what more do they expect?
Gives a whole new meaning to slipper slapping, I'll tell ya that much.
Um, I was going some where with this but now I can't remember. Wait for it. It'll come back, I hope. Quirky! Yeah, that's the ticket.
So there I was in my jammies, jamming out on my MP3 scrapbooking away. I looked at some of the stuff I have scrapbooked and read my journaling and it was further proof I am quirky. I looked at pictures and thankfully didn't have the ugly cry. Instead, I thought dang that happened a loooong time ago. This then leads my twisted mind to think just how loooong ago it was and how oooold I'm getting.
I was showing Hubby what little progress I made and he said the same thing, that it happened a looong time ago. The twinkle in his eyes so gave him away and we spent a few good minutes telling each other just how old the other one was looking lately.
It's the little things that keep that spark alive and well. Except he then took a left turn off normal picking into stupid question of the day.
Hubs: "Why didn't you get more pages done?"
Me: "As if you care but why do you ask?"
H: "You've been saying you wanted to do this for days so I thought you would get more done than that."
Me: "See right there when you said 'I thought' that was your mistake. You can't rush creativeness!"
H: Looking at table full of stuff. "This isn't going to be a one day thing, is it?"
Me: "You're a quick one. I can see I am no match for your mental quickness."
H: Still looking at crap all over the place. "Um, I did say you could set up in the den, right?"
Me: "Yeah, as soon as all the Christmas junk was down. If you bring up all the boxes I will start getting it all packed up tomorrow."
H: Eyes glazing over at stuff on table. "Tomorrow? I still have some stuff to get done. Just how many days are you planning on having this stuff out?"
Me: "You're kidding, right?"
Me: "Are you planning on putting away all your new camping stuff away anytime soon?"
H: "That's different."
Me: "Whatever you say dear."
H: "I'll get to it when we take down the Christmas stuff. Right now laundry baskets are in the way."
Me: "I know, I had smack the darn laundry fairy around just to even get it done. While she was giving me an attitude magical elves showed up to write out the bills but ran out of stamps. They didn't want to go get any more and since I'm not dressed I voted to stay home, all while the entertaining gnomes kept tripping me with complaints that I don't play enough with my spawn and after looking at pictures of my babies who aren't babies any more I sort of got distracted."
H: "How about I cook dinner?"
Me: "My hero."
Wii ended up bowling with the boys and their smelly slippers. The fumes only made me slightly light-headed a few times but I managed to gulp down some clean air on bathroom breaks. I wonder if this is some sort of survival mechanism? Is it any wonder why the bathroom is a mom's place to hide? Especially if she hid chocolate in the tampon box.
But when I went in there to escape the stench more horrors awaited me. I have mentioned that my FIL has worse aim than my three sons, right? I'm thinking of making up a bathroom sign that sort of gives rules. Like no peeing from the shower into the toilet. No sitting on the floor while peeing. This is not a shooting gallery however your aim is critical. This is not the area to practice being a fireman as there are no fires that needs to be hosed down. Accidents happen but clean up the mess for Pete's sake. Failure to follow these simple rules will result in torture and torment for all eternity.
And people wonder why I self-medicate with chocolate.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I wonder if that's the Bee Gees? Hubby HATES the Bee Gees. When you think about it, who really liked them anyway? SNL did a skit about them and it's hilarious.
But I digress, as I so often do.
The mighty prayer warriors kept Cruella at bay. I know there is a collective grown of disappointment from the masses that wanted to see bloodshed. While I'll pretend not to be disturbed by that reaction, I thought I would give you a thought for the day. It's called evidence. I've seen enough Law and Order, not to mention up close and personal experience, that you really don't want to have evidence showing that it was really you that body slammed your Mom and/or had her in a headlock NOT the MIL.
Words to live by.
It's either a gift or some weird disease. What can I say? I've been confusing the audience since 1974.
I'm in a bit of a dilemma. Normally we take all the Christmas stuff down right after New Years. With the In-laws here that didn't happen. I'm now trying not to panic. I told Hubby that it all has to be down and the house back in order pronto. Say what you want, but I don't want to look at a Christmas tree on my birthday.
My brain still hasn't fully come back. It's been sending me brain-mail which is just enough to function but not enough to get things done. Like getting back into the swing of things and starting school stuff. I told the boys I want one day to sit down and scrapbook. I don't remember the last time I did it. Hubby said after we get the place all back in order I can trash the den by putting up a table so I can have all my junk out and not have to put it away so I can work on it for a while.
I knew I kept him around for a reason.
So after the boys were informed of another day on break they sang my praises. Then proceeded to bug the snot out of me about who's turn it was on the Wii. Right now that's a sore spot. One because they won't let me play on it and two because M bought a game I didn't think he should and now half way through it they are sort of creeped out by it.
Did they listen to me? No. Did their Dad back me up? No. Was I told I was being over protective and need to lighten up? Yes. Was there much eye-rolling and finger pointing? Who told?! I mean, yes.
We did get my FIL to play bowling and holy smokes that was hilarious. There was some seething going on and for whatever reason I found it funny. The man was a bit peeved that even J stomped him good but once he got the hang of it he came back with a vengeance. His delight was worth the price of admission to this freak show.
My MIL and I went girl shopping. The anointing was strong but sadly their wasn't much to be had. Am I the only one that feels like the whole after Christmas sales was a rip-off? Could not believe that all the valentine crap was out.
I hope y'all had a good holiday season. Personally, I feel like just flopping into bed and not crawling out for a few days.