Friday, February 20, 2009

Baby Blues

Snark or not to snark - that is the question. At least it is right this moment. It's 12:34 am. Do you know where my brain is? I've been flipping through the channels trying to think of something to blog about. Now how sad is that? And the level of sadness reaches to several different lows.

As if the TV, other than LOST, is going to give me anything blog worthy. If that isn't bad enough there wasn't anything on TV that could at least justify in distracting me from coming up with something.

And then I feel even lower that this is blogging not something I have to come up with. Then I question my whole reasons for even blogging. I'm not even PMSing and I'm already at the stage of questioning my very existence. Dagnabbit.

I did learn something new today - once you get out of the small children trenches you find that you don't ever want to go back.

Please pray for my friend Kerri. She hurt her back and was having back spasms. We watched her ca-yute little man while she went to get tortured by the chiropractor. I wanted to hug her but knew that would only hurt more. She has the energizer bunny for a kid who has got to be the smartest little thing in the world.

No joke! I think the dude will make his own rocket in another 5 months and he's 2! Just the stuff he came up with was hilarious. Took all five of us to keep up with him. You can tell those mommy muscles are so far out of shape that they no longer exist.

And I'm okay with that which that alone is saying something too!

For whatever reason, the soon to be thirty year old female brain starts to go a bit wacky. You look at your life and take stock and scream how did I screw up this bad??? Nothing has prepared me for the life that I have right now. This was nothing I ever had on my radar when I thought of my future. I've spent most of my life wondering why didn't I take the left turn at Albuquerque?

So after I was done kicking myself for not making more of myself, I then shifted gears of hey I want another baby. Hubs listened to my ranting to both extremes and it left him thoroughly confused. Because in the middle of all that I was ranting about home schooling and how the boys were boys and I didn't think I was a very good mom.

Basically it boiled down to I was looking for validation and I wasn't getting any so my whacked out mind thought baby would fill that hole.

And oh how I tried to make this happen. Ever try to make something happen? How was your results? Mine were a big ol mess. Someone should tell that octo mom this even though it's too late for her.

I remember I was just in a massive pit of despair anytime it was quite clear I wasn't pregnant. Hold on for a second because I have to stop laughing. Now? If I were to be pregnant it would be the pit of despair. I say this and yet every now and then I will get pummeled with dreams of baby bliss. I will wake up with that oh wouldn't that be nice feeling?

And that's when I recommend running to the nearest toddler you can find to snap you back out of it.

It's one thing if you're kids are still young and it's something God's placed on your heart. It's another when it's beyond your control and the answer is no.

The thing that gets me the most is the thought of having to start home schooling all over again. The other day I was just spent. Didn't want to explain another phonics rule, math rule, ratio, Greek mythology, or spell a blooming thing. It wasn't just because I can't spell too great, let alone remember a rule and Greek what? It was more of a oh my gosh this is overwhelming at times.

Toss in money issues, family issues, and breathing through a paper bag when I think of the next few years - that would definitely make me say no.

And yet I know my heart. I know what it's like to try and make something happen only to be left with shattered emotions, deep disappointments, and lots of unanswered questions. I don't think I've ever heard any preaching on how to handle God's no with grace and dignity. I grew up hearing we're the Kings Kids and nothing bad will ever happen.

Golly gee, is it any wonder why I feel so ill equip with the waves that crash in?

Tonight I'm very thankful I'm not living in toddlerville again but didn't mind the visit. But I'm rather curious of what my InterPeeps have to say on how to handle God's no with grace. I can tell you I have not, repeat, not handled the no with grace.

I usually have found myself totally spent, pinned to the mat, and drenched in sweat before I'm ready to say uncle. I am half Cruella after all and had zero examples on that whole submission thing. But I can say that God is faithful to wait me out until I've come to the end of myself.

I always looked at no at being the negative. What if no has a whole different angle? I feel at the end of myself and I'm waiting to see what the Lord has to say. Getting over 30 you finally have the brains to not take it to the mats before you say uncle.


grandmamargie said...

Just wait it out and then you can enjoy your grandkids. Hubby said that if he had known grandkids were so much fun, we would have had them first. HeeHee

Debbie said...

Baby lust is a scary thing!

jennisg said...

Hey there, just need to get your address to know where to send the 2yr old too. (Wouldn't trade him for anything in the world - but I will let you borrow him for a few days after he has flushed dump trucks down your toliet, microwaved several things that shouldn't be and god knows what else I haven't found yet - baby fever will be over in fact your uterus, and ovaries will probably shrivel up and die)

Joanna said...

*snort* No way do I want another one. It's those evil baby dreams - they lie. I think one ovary ran away already.

Dianne said...

I am so glad I am past that phase. At 47 I am threatening to take my boys to the "vet" and have them "clipped". I am so far on the other side, I don't even want grandkids! And this is from someone who tried 5 years to have her 1st kid and another 5 to have the 2nd one.

tommie said...

LOL at this....we took care of this on Friday. **The NO MORE having kids part...not the wild thing!**LOL

Sarah said...

Oh man, when my hubby and I were trying to have our first (we had issues and it took about 4 years). I remember feeling God's answer was "No" or "not right now" at various times. It was torture. But looking back, Abigail's timing was PERFECT. (of course).

Hope your friend is feeling better soon!

jubilee said...

Heh. My friend and I were just talking about how within three years we went from an intense fever pitch to have kids to saying "Oh, please God don't let this pregnancy test be positive."

When you get the baby lust, just go help in the nursery at church for one service. Works for me. You get to smell their amazing heads, nuzzle their necks and change enough diapers to snap you out of it right quick.

Leigh@intentslife said...

I've told Mark that if I ever start up on yet another baby kick to say the 3 magic words that will snap me back into reality:


Julie said...

Oh, didn't really handle the "no more baby" thing with grace at first... Many a tear was shed... I'm doing better now though. (I hope)