Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Blonde Moments

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bath robe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'


THE PREGNANT BLONDE

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.
I knew she'd been trying for awhile so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more.'
I asked, 'What do you mean there's more?'
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said.... 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!


THE VENTRILOQUIST
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee!'


A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh Hell! the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.'

Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark ...

4 comments:

grandmamargie said...

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the dark and I'm not even blonde.

Julie said...

A twin pack pregnancy test! *lol*

Sarah said...

Lol! Oh, Edna...

jubilee said...

Oh, boy. A twin pack! If I'd thought that's the way it went, I wouldn't have taken multiple tests with each pregnancy. Oh, wait. I did want twin during my first pregnancy. Kinda glad it worked out the way it did instead!