Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Well I'm Blessed


My cable went out last night right as I was putting this together. I lost most of my post but better late than never.

First off, big old smooches for all the kind words. Second off, Margie you totally made my day just to chat with you. Y'all are just being really nice. Needless to say, this cartoon is rather fitting.


I was talking with the guys during lunch and it turned into an air your issues. While talking there had been some minor angst amongst the ranks. Turns out the older two were mad thinking J knocked over their bionicles and blah, blah, blah.

After hearing all about it, I did point out that those things are not the most stable things in the world. It's also possible that anyone, or anything, could have knocked it over. Especially if it were a laundry basket that I let bang into the wall to let them know it was there and waiting for their attention - maybe that could have been the cause.

Light bulb moment of oooh.

Cue guilty look.

Apologies handed out and accepted.

However, J did not help his cause when his eyes sort of glazed over and then asked how long was I going to talk about it. Older boys started scootching away expecting me to take his head off, which I did but not to the degree that they thought.

I told them that I see how I've been too hard in some areas and that has caused me to pull back and then over compensate the other way. They both said huh, that makes sense.

And J learned how to breathe through his elbow.

Actually, I only threatened to and he was in tears and said it hurt his feelings. Had to point out that how he responds to things only makes it worse and long story short he had an oooh moment himself.

It was sort of funny because what we have going on is a bit of a personality clash. N and M feel that all little kids things are totally beneath them and they don't understand why all kids don't snap out of it.

They both admitted to having a short fuse lately. I had to ask what is it about their lives that was so terrible for the short fuses. I told them I could make their lives really rotten so they could justify their mood.

They turned me down for some reason.

J admitted that he had no clue he was upsetting his brothers. Then suddenly changes topic and says it makes him feel bad when no one will let him help in any way, shape, or form. He said it makes him feel like he has no purpose in life. I had to wonder where did he come up with this and at his age? When I was 9 I was trying to figure out which Barbie outfit I was going to try and wrestle onto little miss plastic.

And here my son is telling me he feels like he's incomplete unless he can help other people. Whoa! I have no idea how I birthed the moral police.

I was finally able to get M to talk to me what his deal was. He can't fall asleep at night and then does not want to get up in the morning. I'm not even going to claim don't know where he got it from cuz that would be a lie. It's only been about the last few months that suddenly we can't get him out of bed.

He said what really ruins his day is when his brothers come in, turns on the light, and says rise and shine or good morning sunshine. He gets this totally snarky look and in a low voice says, "Morning people are evil. Especially if they're perky."

I, of course, leaned over and high fived him and said amen.

He then confessed that N had pulled the blankets off of him - once. Again, in same tone, "But he won't do that again."

Turns out he sort of kicked him but he claims it wasn't his hardest. As if that is suppose to make it all better. When I asked N about it he said he had no hard feelings towards his brother. For his twin he will extend grace beyond anything but for J he's got one shot and one shot only per day.

Some day they'll get it. For now, everyone is getting along so that's cool.

After all of that, I sat down and my leg got itchy. N noticed and asked why was I itchy. I said because I hadn't shaved my legs, or better known as deforesting, and it makes it itchy. To which he says, "You want to see hairy? Check this out." and yanked up his pant leg to show me his hairy leg.

He then starting telling me why he is sooo glad he's a guy and not a girl. The list was getting rather long. Then he blurts out and what is up with the feminine napkin stuff?

I had to laugh. I told him he's watching too much TV. He said why do they call it that when he's never heard another person call it that. M pipes up that it's not very PC to say pads on television.

Who are these people??

N: "Glad I'm not a girl. I wouldn't buy that stuff for anyone."
Me: "Yeah, I'm sure your dad thought the same thing at your age. But now he has no problem buying some for me. Behold the power of wo-man."

This got all of their attention. "Sort of like super powers or special abilities?"
Me: "Oh yes."
Them: "Well, what is it?"
Me: "Bewbs."
Them: "Oh Mom! You're so weird."

Just thought I would give them some sort of reason to be weird. I'm sure they'll have to dig through a plethora of material but eventually they will remember that one time Mom told them she had super powers and she lied.


This mental scarring was brought to you by the letter O for oh my gosh, they've cooked my brain, and R for revenge.

Monday, March 30, 2009

What Can I Say?

To say this last week had been crazy week would be the understatement of the day. I am still getting more stuff and insight from the retreat but I haven’t been able to get a blog post to come together like I want it to. This caused the lag in blog posts.

While we still have gotten zilch from unemployment, Hubs was able to send off some questions via a letter. Good thing he wrote it or I wouldn’t win any new friends. This was one journey I really didn’t want to take as it has caused us to get behind in our bills. While we have our lights on, and food on the table, we may have to start hiding the truck in the garage and I have no idea what to tell the mortgage company because NONE of them will talk to me.

But through this wonderful belly flop into money woes, we’ve had a few people help us here and there that has probably been the reason why I’ve been clinging to hope. Someone had given us money for the boys to get new glasses anonymously. While I’ve narrowed it down to two people – thank you – it was still hard. How do you earmark money for glasses when we were looking at having our heat shut off?

Thankfully heat is on and I scheduled the eye appointment only to have it cancelled and rescheduled for next week. They already have their glasses picked out. And, oh my word, did they need it too! M looks like he’s wearing little kid glasses, oh wait, he is. We’ve watched as their glasses have shrunk over the last few years. So they were thrilled to be perusing through the men's section of eye wear.

J, of course, was telling me he thinks he needs glasses. I ran him through the questionnaire to which he said yes to everything – even the trick mommy questions I threw it just to trip him up.
Do you sometimes see spots while going to the bathroom?
Do you feel like your eyes cross when you fart?
Do you feel like you need to blow your nose when you read?

We’ve had his eyes checked, twice in his young life, and the doc said he didn’t need glasses. Both times. Thank ya Jesus!! N, M, and I all have to wear glasses all the time if we want to see and not get headaches. Guess who’s been having headaches lately? And I mean popping Tylenol like they’re tic tacs only to find out they don’t quite get rid of the pain type headaches.

I’ve had these glasses since 2001. It’s called we’re freaking broke. Next person that tells me it must be nice to stay at home and be lazy will have a permanent limp. I’m the last person to get things taken care of and it only gets fixed once I burst into tears at the inhumanity of it all.

Believe me, that doesn't happen very often. Very few times have I cried uncle. Hubs then insists that the problem be taken care of immediately because he had no clue it was even an issue. Yeah, I'm not even going to go there.

Sooo we were on our way to load up the grocery carts at stuffmart. We said we would look to see if the boys like any of the glasses only to find myself tearing up because I had another headache. Once we got there, Hubs insisted I make an appointment for the three of us. All while J tried to convince us he thought he needed his eyes checked too. I felt horrible because we had to tell him no.

I sat there and prayed and was repeatedly put at ease that the child doesn’t need it. Seriously. Then the guilt of how could I spend money on glasses for myself when at that very moment one of our lending companies was leaving a phone message demanding an organ to sell on the black market to bring our loan back into good standing.

During praise and worship at bible study, really felt like God was telling me it is going to be okay and that He’s taking care of it. Having no assurance other than some scripture verses, I felt that hard shell crack a bit and told God, okay, I believe You. Now help me walk it out.

I’ve had a theme going on for a few months to be a doer of the Word. Ooookaay. What does that mean specifically? I thought I was so trying not to get paranoid. It was pretty huge on my part to make the appointments and trust that everything will be okay. Although I’m still feeling guilty.

What can I say? I think I was spoon fed guilt for the first 5 years of my life.

As we continued on with our shopping, there was a singing contest that was going on as if they thought this would enhance the shopping enjoyment. Like you ever have enjoyment shopping at Wal-Mart. It sounded like they were abusing animals but was recording it for posterity's sake.

When that lovely brand of torture was done, we noticed an unusual amount of screaming children where there that night. One little girl hit a note I didn’t think was possible. We quickly made tracks to another part of the store only to encounter another round of screaming brats. Hubby came up with an instant classic line of – "they’re already screaming, might as well smack them".

I'm so proud of him.

In the midst of all this, I’ve had a few emails lately telling me to knock it off with all the whining. That everyone goes through hard times and I really should put a cork in it.

I did feel bad as this hasn't been my intent on a total whine fest BUT this is therapy gone blog. We’re going through, correction, we’ve been going through hard times for the past few years on several levels.

This is me, this is my journey, this is my special brand of crazy.

I can’t say that I’ve found a balance to this but along with the sarcasm, the hormonal rages, the confusion of life, and the snarky outlook - it’s me and it’s what I’m going through at the moment. My writing can be all over the place. Surprisingly, I find I have a lot to blog material but it isn't anything I can use. So it leaves me with a limited supply of what I can say. Sadly, it’s the gosh this sucks part that is the most available.

I would like to tell you I’ll stop freaking out with our currant situation. I would like to tell you that I’ll suddenly develop a sunny disposition but the people that know me would assume I’m medicated.

Wonder if there is a pill for that? They would make a killing if they coated it in chocolate. Why hasn't anyone developed that?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Crazy

This has been a crazy whirl wind of a week! The ability to roll with the punches is a beautiful thang. We have been hopping over here but not a whole lot to tell.

I had my cousins come up for a wonderful visit. Last time I saw them was in 2006. Just had a great time with them. Wished we lived closer to each other.

Next couple of days is on the go. I actually need to go to bed early but I just know I got too much rolling around up in my head to shut it off and sleep. Anyone else have this problem?

For whatever reason Saturday nights are the worst. Can't sleep. Stuff rolling around. By the time I drift off and really get to the deeep sleeep it's time to get up for church. Maybe that's why everyone is still trying to get me saved.

I'm saved. I just a bit weird when I'm tired. Well, more weirder than usual.

At least I don't give my church finger to anyone. When I was growing up, my brother and I would get on each other's nerves so we invented new and interesting ways to flip each other off without doing it as that was frowned upon. What has now been coined the church finger is when I held up my pinkie because I didn't care enough to send the very best.

Oooo what wrathful indignation. It was all the angst I could muster at a tender age.

Speaking of angst - my evil nemesis, aka the squirrel, is back.

You can read the saga here, the sequel, and the end.

I'm hoping he isn't staying long or it will get ugly.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Some Title That Is Suppose To Make Sense

Subject: Keep your Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read,and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.. 'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.


'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.

'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.' The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

'That surprise s you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.
'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.

The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming....like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork ...the best is yet to come.'

The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. Being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility.



This will make you think...

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'


One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a Gift
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat. Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven.
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: I'm alive and still around.


A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.
There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.


The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'
'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other. The greedy think only of themselves.'


When Jesus died on the cross, he was thinking of you.

And one to make you laugh...

Subject: THE NEW SUPERMARKET... (Thanks Margie)

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Wow!

Soooo how was your weekend? Mine? It was awesome. I want to put it all into words but not sure how. First off, Hubs bailed me out big time. I was running like mad trying to get everything done. He got home early and helped me get all the goodies put together.

Except he's idea of cut into small pieces and my cut into small pieces were two totally different sizes.

Was praying so hard going into this and kept getting over and over it is about the heart issues. You can color it, paint it, dress it up anyway you want but the bottom line is still a heart issue. Felt lead to read Ps 78 and it gave several examples of how the Israelites didn't trust God and wouldn't believe in Him. Even though they tested Him after seeing miracle after miracle God still provided, still took care of them.

Had a lot of oh moments.

Then came home and ran head first into an all out attack. So you just know it was a God weekend or how else could you explain today? And it was beyond the blah Mondays.

Got up and realized that I needed to do a grocery list which makes me in just a joyful mood, as we all know it's my favorite thing to do in the whole wide world. I'll pause as you wipe off that sarcastic spittle.

N and I were discussing the grocery list when he decided he wanted some tea. He said that the sugar bowl was empty and got out the step stool to get the big sugar container that is above the stove. Then I watched in slow motion as he pulled it forward but it slipped out of his hands and dumped about 3 pounds worth of sugar all over the stove and the floor.

He should give you a testimony that God has done a miracle in his momma's life cuz she didn't kill him nor did she chew him out. All she did was hand him a broom and said you made it so you clean it and then helped clean up the massive mess.

Did you know that sugar is rather slippery on the floor? Me neither. I found out the hard way.

What a way to start the morning.

I later got him to laugh about it and then he went on to score a 100% on his math quiz. Okay, not too bad. Then I checked the mail.

Still nothing from unemployment, got two shut off notices, a nasty letter, AND a letter from my Dad.

Pretty much cut open every.single.wound that I had just, did you get that, just let God in to do a healing work in those areas. I spent a few hours just trying not to curl into a ball and, well, bawl.

Dad was strongly encouraging me to go out and get a part time job and to tell my boys that no more cookies or chips as those aren't needed things just wants and God only provides our needs not wants. Goes on to just make me feel like crap. As if I'm just sitting here picking my nose do nothing.

I had to remind myself how Beth explained how God created the HEAVENS and the earth. How God took out His tape measure and measured the galaxies and placed earth where it is at and all the details of that so do I really think my situation is something He can’t fix? We even said in our small group I can believe God to fix your problem but not mine.

Felt like I made some strides in that area and then this letter. Oh satan, you truly are a bastard. We wrestle not against flesh and blood but principalities, and rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hots of wickedness in the heavenly places. (Eph. 6:12)

So it was an interesting day. I wanted to write this wonderful post on all the stuff I've gleaned, and am still getting, but oh no, I get to have a battle to protect what was just sown. Then after praying my brains out all day, I proceeded to take out my frustrations on Hubs.

Scoring those points just as fast as I can.

Good thing I was really good in bed the other night or I think I would have gotten slipper slapped.

Hopefully I'll be able to get a decent post out to try and give it all justice.

Friday, March 20, 2009

This Cuisine Didn't Reign Supreme

This is just so gross but slightly funny! Be warned.

I was watching Iron Chef America with the guys Sunday night. We were watching as weird and different ingredients were brought out sliced, diced and flambĂ©. Most of the time we’re all saying that sounds weird and no way would I even taste that! Especially when they brought out the geoduck (pronounced gooey duck).

The boys looked and me and said gooey what? What is that?? I had no idea, as I had never heard of it.

Let the record show that ignorance isn’t always a bad thing!!

Being the good home school mom, I said we’ll look it up. Yeah, don’t.

We googled. We read that it’s a type of clam. Then we saw a picture of it.

My inner 13-year-old showed up and started giggling and pointing. I wasn’t the only one laughing as Hubs 13-year-old self showed up as well. The true 13-years-olds were trying not to laugh.

It looks like a clam with a very large, very long, um, er, schlong. Oh, here look…



Once I got over the shock of this, and finally stopped giggling, I noticed the pen. A guy had to have taken this picture. Look dude, his schlong is much bigger than this pen. That had me on the floor laughing again.

When oxygen returned to my lungs I noticed this next picture that had Hubs and I back on the floor.



The priceless part was J looked at it and said it looks like she choked it.

Did you know if someone laughed hard enough they could have an asthmatic attack? I about had to slap Hubs to get him to breathe he was laughing so hard. I, myself, was just thankful for the extra strength absorbent material.

And we spent the rest of the evening tossing out comments that firmly planted us in the toilet bowl section. Yet another proud moment for the trailer park.

I had all the guys snickering when I asked if anyone remember which part of the geoduck was cooked – the schlong part or the clam part. All of us said we don’t care how good someone would claim this thing tastes – not going to happen. No amount of prayer would bring this thing up to appetizing. Ick!

Now tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor.

On a side note, if anyone knows the number to complain about the unemployment department please let me know. I’m trying hard not to be honked off but I’m failing miserably. From what I’ve heard a lot of guys in construction have been waiting for months with not a dime. If I could only get a real person on the phone - I'd slap them with a geoduck. Maybe that's why they aren't answering their phones!

I am off to a ladies retreat this weekend and I am excited. Granted last time they had to hog tie me and dragged me there, but I can say I am looking forward to this!! Just have a feeling of expectation. Either that or I’m getting out of the house away from all the guys and am in need of some serious girl time. It’s going to be another Beth Moore DVD series and that little firecracker has a way of exploding out of the gates and pinning ya to the seats. Hopefully I’ll be able to take some notes.

I had to stop at the store and get some of the ingredients for what I’m bringing – thankfully no geoducks (or Spam) were on the menu. My guys put up a royal fuss that I always leave with stuff and very rarely come back with it. So now I’m making them up something too. I think I’ll be in the kitchen all day.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Therapy Session Number 380

Our heroine, faced with the dilemma of what to do regarding the people formally known as parents (P.F.K.P), turns to her loving Hubby and asks his advice. She quickly realized this was a terrible mistake as soon as he let out a snort.

Was this a good snort or a bad snort? she asked herself.

He set down the letter and made eye contact with our heroine. He shook his head and wished her the best of luck.

Gee, thanks.

I know ya'll keep telling me to write all this stuff down and shove it in a book but I don't think anyone would believe me that it's all real. I can’t make this crap up!

I was on the phone with my MIL when there was much banging on my door. I looked out the window and noticed a rather official looking vehicle parked in my driveway. It turns out my idiot Dad mailed a few letters to the fire department as he can’t seem to remember my address!

I’m still on the phone with my MIL this whole time. I’ll give her credit – she didn’t crack up laughing, didn’t add one little word of there’s a big surprise. I think part of me knew that if she would have said something, I would have just busted a gut laughing.

And this, this is progress for me.

I even said as much to my MIL. Usually when I hear banging on the door with an official car in my driveway – I would have had a massive panic attack thinking they’re coming after me again. Thankfully, I didn't even have a spike in my heartbeat let alone the wild gallop.

This irritates me. If I’m going to have guilt shouldn’t I at least have the lifestyle to go with it? Totally annoys me that I have a guilty conscience for something I didn’t even do!!

I got off the phone a while later and was able to read my Dad’s letter. All I can say is denial is more than a river in Egypt!! He said he’s enjoying his time reading the Word and is in prayer with the Father everyday.

This is what I struggle with - how can someone read the Word of God, chapters a day, everyday and not get the big clue of stop it not to mention a Holy Ghost kicked to the head?? I don’t understand this. No remorse in the letter – said the court never gave them any paperwork to prove why they are doing this. Blah, blah, blah.

Because you wouldn’t do what they told you to do, Howard!!! Hence the cinder block room. How many time outs do you need??

He did say he messed up and they should have waited until the parole violation was settled before they continued filing paperwork. Un-stinking-believable.

He asked how our financial situation was doing and wanted to know if I’m trusting God. He wanted to know if I’m joyful. Why yes, oh clueless one, it gives me great joy to know my family didn’t take a left turn at Albuquerque but instead went off the road entirely to try something new and exciting. Like going off a cliff. Oh, how my hearts sings with joy knowing they have flushed their lives away for nothing and have watched how it has affected myself and my kids.

Okay, sounding a tad bit bitter.

He did say that he got to ride out with Mom to the airport before she got shipped off to Philly and he’s going back to Kentucky where he was last time. He said that once he gets out they are going to live with his folks and he wants to take care of my grandparents. My grandma is actually happy about this because my grandpa is turning 90 in May.

Lets hope gramps lives long enough for them to get paroled out. Dad said it should be right before Christmas. Why are my Christmas' getting ruined?? It seems like my Christmas gets peed on all the time. Maybe there was a cut back at the coal plant and this is just their way of saying sucks to be you?

Dad signed off saying he misses me but doesn’t miss all the turmoil and the stress that was going on between us. Do tell.

Then today I got another letter but was dated back in Feb. but again wrong address and thankfully no one had to come hand deliver it. This letter was different. He said the last time we talked no wait, "conversed on the phone you had expressed your intense desire to be left alone. I took offense to that and did as you requested. I apologize! I should have continued showing you love."

I sort of blurred out there because who talks like that? And holy smokes if this is him showing me love then how about we try a different feeling? I’m not feeling the love. Yes, I’ll take door number 4 on the wheel of emotions. What? Strong feelings of angst? Jackpot!

He also said he’s not happy being on the outside of my boundaries. Hooray he was at least aware of what he was trying to manipulate around. Good for me for showing him the boot to the head, I mean the boundary line and where he can’t cross. Yes, that was a boundary line not a speed bump.

I did noticed something – he kept making comments about how he can pray better and reads more of his bible, has decided to cut out all flour, sugar, and junk food, and has gotten regular exercise now that he's back in prison. He noticed that he’s been feeling better than what he has in the last several months. He even met a group of good Christian guys, as we all know prison is the best place to find one’s peeps, and has had a few opportunities to encourage some young men to follow the Christian lifestyle. Wonder if that includes fighting the IRS?

I’m starting to think he likes it there. I told you Club Fed seems to have that come back and stay feel to it, so much so, that they had to put in bars and limit their enrollment.

He did ask that I pray for Mom, as she seemed really down. Wow. How shocking. Cruella must have realized there were no puppies for her puppy coat after all. I did notice Mom’s tone of voice didn’t have her normal bite to it when she left her message.

I’m making jokes but the whole time I’m reading his letter I just wanted to grab them and shake them stupid. Except I think someone must have already beat me to the punch.

I asked Hubs if he thought I should write back once we know the address. One, I’m tired of him mailing letters all over my neighborhood as he’s been off by a few numbers. Two, he actually punctuates my name so the whole neighborhood can think I’m a freak. Old grouchy mailman already doesn’t like me and this is just another feather up his butt. I thought about mail-ordering a bunch of ammunition just to really piss him off, as he would have to carry the heavy box to my door. Dude better watch it - he’s crammed one too many letters and has delivered half-chewed stuff before.

But that is neither here nor there.

I think my main reason would be maybe, just maybe, if I use a really, really big font size maybe he would actually listen to me instead of just assuming. When I posed that question to Hubs all I got was the eyebrow arch. And we all know that isn’t a good thing.

I said I have a feeling the man isn’t going to let this go and it needs to be addressed. He even ended the other letter saying he can’t wait to hug his little girl. I haven’t been little or a girl in decades. I feel the desire to let him know how full of it he is and how I'm not buying it. I want to spell it out, use little words and pictures if I have to, just to show him how far outside the boundary line he is and will continue to be as long as he refuses to change.

If all of that wasn't enough, I find out N has been being a royal jerk to someone else. A not cool, what the heck where you thinking jerk. As we were handing his butt back to him on a plate, Hubs had the idea of finding out what was really going on with him. Dude has been upset over some things, non grandparent stuff, but has been taking it out on other people. I was ready to toss my hands in the air and call the roaming gypsies. I thought we had gone over this repeatedly and had explained to him why this isn't accepted or allowed.

I had voiced this complaint to my cousin in an email of when do the lessons stick? Her reply was sometime in their twenties. She said this is all part of those raging hormones. Someone tell me how to make a hormone stop raging cuz I'm ready to go gansta on it. Sheesh!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A Few Chortles

I'm tossing out some funnies for the day. You wouldn't believe the day I had - I'm still trying to process it all. So while that is brewing hope this tickles the old funny bone.


GRANDMA DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'
Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'


(thanks Margie)

CHOOSING A WIFE
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


And this is for Octumom...
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?'
'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.
Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's' names.'
'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'
In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'
Their Momma replied, 'Well, yes. It makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a running. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'Then I call them by their last names.'

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Therapy Session Number 376

When we last left our heroine, she was resolved to the fact that her parents were aliens suffering from some mad cow disease or some brain switch-o-change-o. What she wasn't saying to anyone was she had that annoying feeling that there was a shoe that was floating out there waiting to drop.

And not only drop but smack her full in the face.

With all their other woes, our heroine pushed the feeling far back in the corner of her mind. It seems the corner of her mind had some eject button she wasn't aware of. Apparently any contact from the parental units was what sent it all back up to the front.

Much like barf.

Words seem to fail me at this moment. No, I take that back. I have words. I just shouldn't repeat them - out loud.

I had four phone calls today. All in an attempt from my Dad to get a hold of me. I've heard nothing from either one of them up till this point. He tried calling early this morning. I looked at the phone with a battle of emotions rolling around. I shouldn't be surprised but I am.

I was listening to the recording of "...an inmate at a Federal Corrections Facility. If you'll accept the collect call press...." I cleared it. I at least give them kudos for making the recording sound like your relative isn't in prison but rather staying at Club Fed. The finest club when you just want to get away from it all and have some quality me time.

The phone rang again. It was my Grandma and she said they don't know where they sent Dad's clothes and wallet. She wanted to know if it was mailed to me. I said no. I said I hadn't heard anything from either one of them. She said Dad had just called them Saturday. He's so concern about where they mailed his clothes that now, now he wants to get in contact with me.

They've been in contact with my Grandma and my aunt.

Oh the words that I could say.

I told Grandma to send along the message that I'm not going to take ANY collect calls. She immediately asked how the unemployment stuff was going and said we hadn't seen a dime yet. She then asked how things were going and I said my usual hanging in there because what can you say? This sucks? No kidding! That and 5 cents gets you - 5 cents. Moving on...

She said what I've been saying - what the $#!* is taking so dang long? I said I didn't know. Hubs worked today and will tomorrow but we're not too sure rest of the week. He'll try calling then. But I did tell her to make sure to let my folks know I'm not taking any of the phone calls.

What really got me was the other 3 times he tried calling today. He got his mom all upset trying to find out where the Marshall's mailed his stuff. And this was worth wracking up all of our phone bill because? I kept saying that to Hubs - why would he keep calling knowing it will spike the bill. The bill I haven't paid last month or this month because I'm waiting on unemployment checks. That bill. Along with the mortgage and the heat bill.

Oh yes, why indeed would my parents give a rat's butt about my bills when we all know I have nothing better to do than to wait on their every whim.

Yes, that is dripping with sarcasm - keep up here.

But I'm not bitter....

That was a rhetorical statement - no need for comment.

This, of course, set off a chain reaction of emotions which then gave me heartburn AND gall bladder fits. Finally after the pain decided to take a breather, I told satan to jump off a cliff.

Hubs read my post from yesterday and said that was pretty good. Must have been a bit too good cuz holy crappy day, batman!

At least the weather has been cooperating! The guys had a blast on their hike Saturday. The boys got to cracking up laughing about sliding down a wet leafy hill. N said he tried to stand up but his feet slipped right out from under him and landed on a tree root. OUCH! They were all cracking up laughing about it.

Boys are so weird. But, hey, as long as they had fun - hooray for them!

I was asking them if they remembered that one time we did such and such. They all looked at me with a blank look. I asked them about a few other things we did when they were younger. Again the blank look and I don't remembers was said by all.

For all you people that have little ones. Don't waste your time, money, and efforts to do things when kids are little. They won't stinking remember it!! Wait until they older then cram all the good memory building junk in them.

I heard a joke a long time ago that is turning out to be fitting. Do you know why you take pictures of your wedding? To give the groom a fighting chance to remember it. I think this may affect all males regardless of age.

I yanked out a scrapbook and said, "Look! We did this and that and that and this. Remember???"

Crickets chirping

Boys squinting at pictures, scratching their heads, "Yes?" was their reply.

"Why did you say that in a question form?" I pressed.

Sensing their doom, the back peddling began, "Well, we sort of remember it but it's a bit fuzzy. Hadn't really thought of it but now that you've mentioned it and showed us the pictures it's sort of coming back." This was all said rather quickly as they slowly backed away from me.

Tell me again why we don't hibernate? Anyone??

Monday, March 16, 2009

Interesting

I was asked recently if I could do anything at all what would it be. Drawing a complete blank I said I don't know.

I asked Hubs what he thought. He has forever told me I should be a comedian if I could get over that whole terrified to stand up and speak in front of people. He also said if nothing else the thought that my folks were terrified I would be one was worth it alone.

I think they figured out I would use them as my main topic for material. If they only knew...

I was reading my bible and a devotional about hopes and dreams. It said that we should watch out for doubt and unbelief as these are tools that satan will use against the mind to get us to abort those seeds that were planted in us.

I had to stop and roll that one around. Gave me a different perspective on doubt and unbelief. And what surprised me even further was how casual I was towards both. I wouldn't abort my child but am I aborting things by allowing doubt and unbelief to hang around?

I've listened to many a tall tale from the boys like I'm going to fly around the room. "Well I doubt that will happen" usually comes tumbling out of my mouth only to watch my child wrapped in some form of cape, stick his arms out and run around the room totally believing he was flying.

Faith like a child...whispers across my brain while I felt like a total spoilsport.

There are three books I believe has changed my life. The Boundaries book, Lies Women Believe and Beth Moore's Praying God's Word. I had pulled out Beth Moore's book recently praying a lot of the scriptures about rejection but found myself flipping it over to the unbelief section.

I had been praying these for over a week. At first I could tell no difference in my attitude and just kept schlepping through life. Give a stiff upper lip, slap the hallelujah smile on my face and try to make sure my eyes didn't give me away.

While at bible study, there was a song we sang and I don't remember the song but there was a part that said I believe God in a lot of areas. When the song first started playing I could tell my brain went tilt! don't think so. But as we were singing it a lot of those scriptures I had been praying to knock down the stronghold of unbelief came rising up.

Here I was in the middle of worship with a war going on within myself. Those words kept ringing out there - I believe...in God. I believe...God. My brain was already running through a check list of FAILED stamped across it but those scriptures kept rising up more and more. I had this overwhelming peace and I could honestly sing I believe. I believe you God. I don't know how and this stuff looks so big and so overwhelming but I believe you God.

I can tell you there was no way in my own strength and my own reasoning that I could combat those doubts and unbelief. Disappointment and lack of understanding has left a lot of wounds. There have been times it has rocked me right down to my beliefs.

Is it any surprise to see how unbelief can latch on?

The I don't knows and I don't understand and bitter disappointment has left me questioning God on a lot of levels. There are times and moments when I'll be spot on but they seem to be only a quick flash and I'm back to wondering and being afraid I'll get hurt again - that I'll be disappointed again.

I had thought by just not going there I was, sort of, walling off that pain and choosing to move beyond it. I didn't look at it as allowing unbelief to nestle in there with the pain so the next time I needed to use my faith, it's right there waving the pain saying what about this? And only seeing pain, I've loosen my grip on faith and wonder why things didn't go the way I thought.

Unbelief will kill off faith!

I heard a preacher say that fear tolerated is faith contaminated. He said you can bawl and whine but if you don't get that fear out and if you don't get rid of that unbelief your faith isn't going to do you a lick of good.

I've noticed when the enemy just comes in like a flood and I can't catch my breath, it makes me back up. I have run the scenarios through my head until I'm exhausted - I've come to the end of reasoning it all out. It's not good. The world's view says to take door number 1 as that is all you got. Any time I get near that door, I get a wait-a-second grab from the Holy Spirit.

I was reading on someone's blog about their Esther study by Beth Moore. It really hit me that she said that Esther was called to be obedient NOT to figure it all out. I have read many an article, devotional, and teaching sessions about how trying to figure it all out will rob you of peace. Yet too many times I find myself spinning my own wheels.

When I have no peace and no joy I don't feel like picking up my faith shield and duking it out. There is a fight to be fought. And our enemy knows if he can cripple us then we're not going to do it. I really hate being so predictable!

I tell the boys every morning to have their God time, to get their happy on (listening to their music) and then go fight the school stuff and win. I've noticed if they don't do that then school is going to be a bear. Then I will need much restraint to not try and pack the info in their heads by osmosis or smacking them with a book repeatedly.

But too often I don't have my God time, I don't have my happy on and I'm in no condition to fight let alone win. For me God time is uninterrupted time with Him and I don't get that a whole lot. A lot of times I'm reading my bible and journaling while J is doing his schoolwork. And the boy is high maintenance. "Look Mom I made an L. Did you see my L? What do you think of my L?" Makes for some interesting devotional reading.

For me, rather than saying Good Morning, Lord - I'm like Good Lord, it's morning. And yet He still loves me!

From Beth's book:
"O, Father, help me to fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience. Please don't let me be like some who have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith (1Tim 1:18-19)
O, God, let it be said of me that my faith is growing more and more, and the love I have for others is increasing! (2 Thess.1:3)
Father, Your Word says that faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the Word of Christ. (Rom. 10:17) Cause me to continue to listen to Your Word! Without Your Word, my faith will never grow.
Christ Jesus, Your Word tells me to be on my guard, to stand firm in the faith, to be a person of courage, and to be strong (1 Cor. 16:13)
Mighty God, help me ot understand that I've been called by You to walk by faith and not by sight. (2 Cor. 5:7)
Cause my faith to continue to grow, O Lord! (2 Cor. 10:15)"

Friday, March 13, 2009

Food - We Like It

Recently I was flipping through my cookbooks muttering to myself. I tend to do this. While I'm glad to be able to have such a variety of choices, I still find myself stuck in the rut with 'what's to eat?' questions I get bombarded with daily.

Everyone has their favs and their prayers of oh dear, Lord, no, not THAT. And that is just from me. Sometimes the guys will see a picture in the cook book and ask why don't you make that?? Scans quickly - because it takes 2 hours just to prepare it!

I'm still not use to the fact that I can just run to the store because where we use to live that was out of the question. You didn't just run to the store because you were out of milk. You made plans and preparations to trek out into public with your spawn, your list, your coupons, and hopefully your sanity.

I remember having J in the grocery cart with N and M walking along side the cart. N at the front and M and the back of the cart - on the same side and thou shall not let go of thy cart if thou wished to continue sucking air through thou nose-eth.

Many a time I would stumble home ready to put them to bed, toss back a few, and hide in a corner until the calmer more saner parent would arrive home from work. Wanna know why he was calmer? Cuz he wasn't the one that had to deal with it.

Thank God those days are gone.

Every now and then I'll sometimes look through rose colored full-of-it glasses and think happy thoughts of yesteryear and almost wish to be there again.

Then I repeatedly slap myself across the face 50 times.

I don't miss those days where I freaked out when they went to the bathroom because they were so little and you've heard all the horror stories. Not to mention the guy that just went in after them reminds me of the guy on America's most wanted. I don't miss those days of (shudder) Blue's Clues. How evil is this? I had the Blue's Clues have a happy birthday going through my head the other day.

Now if I could just find my bat to knock that memory out of my head...

People would tell me this stage will pass and I thought they were lying. It does pass just not fast enough!

I use to look forward to grocery shopping alone as that was the few times I had to myself. Now I need all hands on deck cuz I can't push 3 carts full of food through Wally World. Since we don't want the eating machine hungry when we set foot in that store, we tend to fill them up on things that will cause as much gas in a 2 hour trip as humanly possible. Then we play how fast can we leave that aisle with everything we need before we pass out game.

I look at it as paybacks for all the idiots that are there. I just feel bad for the innocent bystanders.

NEVER shop there on the weekends unless you like to see the circus freaks - that were turned down. There is the old lady who forgot her teeth - and bra. The freaky kid that probably spent a lot of money to look that way - on purpose. The annoyed girl who really should be run over with a cart. Not to mention all the devil spawn that run up and down the lanes.

Wait, was I making a point? Okay, I had to re-read what I put and yet again I find myself waaay off topic. (Make note to look up definition of the word topic)

I still feel like my very existence is all wrapped up in a....(drum roll).... casserole. Ooooo

What is the meat I am feeling today? Do I feel like a chicken and just don't want to face some things or am I in a foul mood? Do I feel like some ham as I caught a glimpse of my ham hocks? Do I feel hamburger - old cow that has been ground up? How about pork as I think I spent the day piggin out?

And how is that attitude of mine today? Call it the special sauce of life. Is it Mexican - full of spice? Chinese - sort of whinese and possibly cat? I'm kidding - I love Chinese. How about some Italian? Bold and in your face.

Now I'm really wondering what type of sauce my Mom would fall under. Vinegar anyone?

Maybe everything is a-okay so go for the gooey cheese sauce. Hubby believes everything is made better with cheese. I love the cheese commercials they use to have - behold the power of cheese.

I have recently found this recipe and I rather like it. The guys aren't burned out on it yet so I'm using it. It seems recipes only have a window of love at our house then it's 'that again???' You would think I serve up pig slop with a side of monkey brains. How ridiculous! Monkey brains weren't on sale this week.

Beef N Cheese Bread
1 pound hamburger
chopped onion
1 8oz jar salsa
1-2 cans sliced black olives
1 tsn chili powder
1 tsn minced garlic
1 tsn ground cumin
1 loaf unsliced French bread
2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese

In large skillet cook beef and onion over medium heat until meat is cooked; drain. Stir in salsa, olives and spices. Remove from heat. Cut the break in half lengthwise place on cookie sheet. Spread meat mixture on top; sprinkle with cheese. Bake at 450 degrees 10-15 minutes until cheese is melted.

I'm getting drooly thinking about it.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Angst Is In The Air

Can you feel it? Can you just feel the tension Hubs has for the computer that he claims its days are numbered? I reminded him that the computer isn't going anywhere as we need it. But Hubs kept making threats to the computer for a few hours.

What could cause such angst you might dare to ask? This old thing doesn't have much space. When I go online the computer has to think about where it can shove the extra junk. Now it is faster than dial up but there isn't much to work with. According to Hubby a digital watch has more free space then our computer.

I was all set to say stop joking around until I saw the nostril flair of doom. He wasn't joking.

There was no LOST on tonight and we went grocery shopping last night so Hubby and I had a torturous wonderful time doing our taxes this evening. It gets cold in the den and I had to make several trips to Bernie to thaw out. We had to download a new version of Adobe before we could see it let alone print it off.

Oh let me tell you the loops and hoops we had to go through to get the computer to take it. Hubs kept yelling at the computer to just eat it. He said it could barf later but for now just stuff the download down it's piehole.

I almost gagged myself.

Out of fear for its very existence, the computer slowly chewed up the download. But right near the end, a low disk space alert started freaking out and stopped the whole thing. Sooo I had to delete temporary files, clean out some other junk, blah, blah, blah. Took forevah!! Finally got enough space opened and finally got the thing downloaded and finally got everything all done.

Hooray! Uncle Sam can take me off the list of people to shove into a dark cell. I figured with my family I was at the top of the list of people he usually watches. I continue to joke about my application into the witness protection program. I really should knock it off as I had two whole weeks of someone from Washington D.C. showing up on my blog checking things out.

They have decided I'm not a serious nut just a sad woman who has spent too many hours trying to explain ratios and had to say one too many times what language do you think they speak in Greece?? Here's a hint it starts with Gr and ends in eek.

Does that give you a clue how my day went?

Boys had a big test in History. They have a hard grading curve. Both boys are hovering around 93% and the grade they have is a B. They aren't happy. I just tell them to try harder as that always pissed me off when my Mom said it to me.

Keeping with the theme - angst was in the air.

Hubby didn't work today nor will he work tomorrow. I have no clue about Friday. But it looks like we're taking a special trip to the guitar store because M now has strings and a strap for his guitar but we are all in agreement the dude needs a tuner. Or we're going to string him up with the new strings.

The gift that keeps on giving.

N and I had an intense conversation of why he was in trouble for leaving one of his answers partially answered. Dude said and I quote, "I didn't know how to spell the guy's name." When I asked him why he thought Soc would be close enough for Socrates he just gave me the look and said dunno which I think means I don't know.

What was the phrase they used?? Frontal lobe missfire. I was ready to fire his front lobe but luckily for him I missed and just gave him a V8 smack to the head instead.

Then Hubby had to call into MARVIN for the unemployment stuff which I swear should have some acronym of moving slower than dirt. It has been 8 weeks and we have yet to receive anything. Thankfully I'm not in a full blown panic but I will say I am highly annoyed.

You think no one cares about you? Miss a payment and watch how many times you will get called. Yet again, let us lift holy hands of praise for caller i.d.

I think Hubs figured out that Houston we have a problem. He offered me some chocolate which I turned down. He even cooked dinner and when asked why he said he wanted to relieve the tense look on my face. Aww, right?

Wrong-o! All this did was bring out my inner sneer. I look tense?!? Made for a quite meal. Then later as we battled the ghetto computer, Hubs was the one with the sneer. I had to do an intervention just to save the computer.

So we ended up having a sneer off.

Hubs won only because he took my blanket and I got cold and had to go stand by Bernie. The weather is c-c-cold!! But this Saturday is suppose to be nice. Hubs is taking the boys for a hike. Thank you, Jesus! It's too cold for them to start camping but I can handle them leaving for a few hours.


The urge to just start slipper slapping people was becoming too great to resist. Usually I can clamp that feeling down with cookies but lately that is loosing its appeal.

Off to find me those toasty thighs of Hubs. I'm sure he'll wonder what type of purgatory is this. Isn't Lent going on right now? Is there anyway I can claim this is a holy experience that God designed to get him closer to God in his suffering?

Could be me, but I don't think he'll buy it. He's rather smart like that. I say it's pay backs for cheating on the sneer off.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Snicker

Since I just got our gas bill, I can't come up with anything that doesn't sound like a full blown sob so I'm tossing out some jokes. Hopefully it will distract me that Hubs will only be working for two whole days this week. Moving on....

Due to recent budget cuts, the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.

GYNECOLOGIST to MECHANIC (thanks Margie)

A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently,and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." This equaled an A.

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.


EMPLOYEE CUTBACKS (thanks Kerri)

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management


Subject: LIFE of a CONGRESSIONAL TRAVEL AGENT
If you think a travel agent's job is boring, just look at these examples:

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''
Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!''

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''
I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.''

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''
I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little 20 computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' '
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.'
''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.