Monday, March 16, 2009


I was asked recently if I could do anything at all what would it be. Drawing a complete blank I said I don't know.

I asked Hubs what he thought. He has forever told me I should be a comedian if I could get over that whole terrified to stand up and speak in front of people. He also said if nothing else the thought that my folks were terrified I would be one was worth it alone.

I think they figured out I would use them as my main topic for material. If they only knew...

I was reading my bible and a devotional about hopes and dreams. It said that we should watch out for doubt and unbelief as these are tools that satan will use against the mind to get us to abort those seeds that were planted in us.

I had to stop and roll that one around. Gave me a different perspective on doubt and unbelief. And what surprised me even further was how casual I was towards both. I wouldn't abort my child but am I aborting things by allowing doubt and unbelief to hang around?

I've listened to many a tall tale from the boys like I'm going to fly around the room. "Well I doubt that will happen" usually comes tumbling out of my mouth only to watch my child wrapped in some form of cape, stick his arms out and run around the room totally believing he was flying.

Faith like a child...whispers across my brain while I felt like a total spoilsport.

There are three books I believe has changed my life. The Boundaries book, Lies Women Believe and Beth Moore's Praying God's Word. I had pulled out Beth Moore's book recently praying a lot of the scriptures about rejection but found myself flipping it over to the unbelief section.

I had been praying these for over a week. At first I could tell no difference in my attitude and just kept schlepping through life. Give a stiff upper lip, slap the hallelujah smile on my face and try to make sure my eyes didn't give me away.

While at bible study, there was a song we sang and I don't remember the song but there was a part that said I believe God in a lot of areas. When the song first started playing I could tell my brain went tilt! don't think so. But as we were singing it a lot of those scriptures I had been praying to knock down the stronghold of unbelief came rising up.

Here I was in the middle of worship with a war going on within myself. Those words kept ringing out there - I God. I believe...God. My brain was already running through a check list of FAILED stamped across it but those scriptures kept rising up more and more. I had this overwhelming peace and I could honestly sing I believe. I believe you God. I don't know how and this stuff looks so big and so overwhelming but I believe you God.

I can tell you there was no way in my own strength and my own reasoning that I could combat those doubts and unbelief. Disappointment and lack of understanding has left a lot of wounds. There have been times it has rocked me right down to my beliefs.

Is it any surprise to see how unbelief can latch on?

The I don't knows and I don't understand and bitter disappointment has left me questioning God on a lot of levels. There are times and moments when I'll be spot on but they seem to be only a quick flash and I'm back to wondering and being afraid I'll get hurt again - that I'll be disappointed again.

I had thought by just not going there I was, sort of, walling off that pain and choosing to move beyond it. I didn't look at it as allowing unbelief to nestle in there with the pain so the next time I needed to use my faith, it's right there waving the pain saying what about this? And only seeing pain, I've loosen my grip on faith and wonder why things didn't go the way I thought.

Unbelief will kill off faith!

I heard a preacher say that fear tolerated is faith contaminated. He said you can bawl and whine but if you don't get that fear out and if you don't get rid of that unbelief your faith isn't going to do you a lick of good.

I've noticed when the enemy just comes in like a flood and I can't catch my breath, it makes me back up. I have run the scenarios through my head until I'm exhausted - I've come to the end of reasoning it all out. It's not good. The world's view says to take door number 1 as that is all you got. Any time I get near that door, I get a wait-a-second grab from the Holy Spirit.

I was reading on someone's blog about their Esther study by Beth Moore. It really hit me that she said that Esther was called to be obedient NOT to figure it all out. I have read many an article, devotional, and teaching sessions about how trying to figure it all out will rob you of peace. Yet too many times I find myself spinning my own wheels.

When I have no peace and no joy I don't feel like picking up my faith shield and duking it out. There is a fight to be fought. And our enemy knows if he can cripple us then we're not going to do it. I really hate being so predictable!

I tell the boys every morning to have their God time, to get their happy on (listening to their music) and then go fight the school stuff and win. I've noticed if they don't do that then school is going to be a bear. Then I will need much restraint to not try and pack the info in their heads by osmosis or smacking them with a book repeatedly.

But too often I don't have my God time, I don't have my happy on and I'm in no condition to fight let alone win. For me God time is uninterrupted time with Him and I don't get that a whole lot. A lot of times I'm reading my bible and journaling while J is doing his schoolwork. And the boy is high maintenance. "Look Mom I made an L. Did you see my L? What do you think of my L?" Makes for some interesting devotional reading.

For me, rather than saying Good Morning, Lord - I'm like Good Lord, it's morning. And yet He still loves me!

From Beth's book:
"O, Father, help me to fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience. Please don't let me be like some who have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith (1Tim 1:18-19)
O, God, let it be said of me that my faith is growing more and more, and the love I have for others is increasing! (2 Thess.1:3)
Father, Your Word says that faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the Word of Christ. (Rom. 10:17) Cause me to continue to listen to Your Word! Without Your Word, my faith will never grow.
Christ Jesus, Your Word tells me to be on my guard, to stand firm in the faith, to be a person of courage, and to be strong (1 Cor. 16:13)
Mighty God, help me ot understand that I've been called by You to walk by faith and not by sight. (2 Cor. 5:7)
Cause my faith to continue to grow, O Lord! (2 Cor. 10:15)"


Kaye Butler said...

Wonderful post. HE is working in all of us.

Faith like a child...I love that.

rthling said...

Oh NO! You didn't pull out the Praying book??!!
That is one of my favorites. In fact, I lent it to someone months ago, and haven't seen it since. I need to see if I can get it back.
Being obedient vs. figuring it all out... ouch!
I like to spend time trying to figure things out. I'd WAY rather do that than be obedient. But SSHHH, don't tell my kids! My husband and I have drilled into them since they were old enough to breathe, that their only job as children is to obey. It was cute when they were babies. "What is your job?" *little tiny voice* "To obey."
Now, when we ask, just to remind them, there is much rolling of eyes. Here's where the understanding that obedience begins in the heart, and shows in our attitude comes in.
Okay, now I'm digging myself a hole.
Shutting up now.

Kerri said...

Love it. I LOVE what you said about having no peace when you try to figure it all out. Preach it sistah! You are SO right.

And knowing you like I do, it's hard to imagine you struggle with unbelief. You help ME a lot to remember to depend on God.

Love ya..
PS...I cannot THANK YOU enough for letting us tag along Saturday, and helping so much with Jacob. You are a godsend.

PSS...He still hasn't let go of his "monkey in the hat."

Kimi said...

I found you through SITS and just wanted to say thank you for your post! It was confirmation for me in something I was struggling with. I don't want to kill off my faith in God through unbelief. I know HE is all powerful and mighty. Thank you for reminding me!

Julie said...

I am really bad about listening to Satan and believing the bad things about myself...

Trust me. *sigh*

Roxanne Kristina said...

I totally think you'd be a great comedian!


PS: Thanks for the support in your recent email.

I am Harriet said...

I'm stopping by via SITS to say hello.
Have a great week!

Leigh@intentslife said...

You go, girl!!! From my own VAST experience with fear and doubt there's no better way to battle it than through worship and the Word.

jubilee said...

I think I might need to do that study.