Friday, May 29, 2009

True Confessions From A Home School Slacker

It's Friday. It's the last day of our home school year. It was suppose to be a happy day with much dancing and singing. Well, there will be, just not on my end. I was going to feel some sense of accomplishment. I wanted my check mark next to my list of things to do. Drink my little cup of tea of yes, I’m doing what God has told me to do – well done, Joanna, thy good and faithful servant.

Rather than have the cup of accomplishment, reality walked up and smacked that cup out of my hand, spit what was left in my face all while the happy feelings drained away.

Remember that whole 12 was hard but 13 was better? Yeah, I take that back.

There will be no happy dance of a job well done in the driveway. If you see me in the driveway and I’ve face planted myself – go ahead and panic.

What could have me being so dramatic you ask? Get comfy.

In the fall I caught M cheating on his spelling tests. This happened more than one occasion. There was much discussion in the land and it was a form of acting out. Yesterday N was busted and I mean busted that he has been cheating on his math – for months.

Months.

On the day before your last day, it sort of messes with your head that you now have no idea where the kid is at. Shoot me now as it would be kinder.

Made his brother feel like crap because he was struggling with it while N was flying right through it with the greatest of ease. Or so we all thought.

I needed the answer book to help out M with his math. I couldn’t find it. N uses this computer that I’m on and I asked him if he knew where it was. It was tucked near the computer tower completely hidden.

Red flag number 1.

Which led to hey he never has a notebook to write out his math problems verses M is on his second one - why is that? They’ve been doing long division. No way is this kid able to do long division in his head. They’ve been multiplying and dividing fractions – again no way could he do it in his head.

Red flag - that should have been picked up on much sooner - number 2.

You can tell my powers of observation are honed to a dull point.

I gave him one shot at mercy. I told him I needed the truth and I would spare him the massive wrath from Mom that would come this one time only for the truth. I said I would get the truth sooner or later. The choice of how it went down was his.

That was yesterday.

He choose poorly. Isn't that always the way it is? You want to justify what you're doing rather than own up to what is looking you right in the face. Just me? Dang!

On his next lesson, I made sure the door was open to the den the whole time. I sat on the answer book and was within earshot the whole time. The kid who normally took 20 minutes for a lesson was now very quite with a lot of that’s incorrect or nice try but wrong. And it was approaching hour number 2.

What does red do to a bull?

When I walked into the room he knew he was busted. What set me off was an air of yeah I did it, so what?

Fast-forward 3 hours later. After the royally butt chewing, (my voice was horse y’all and that hasn’t happened before - ever. And I come from a long line of screamers. Longevity in speech I am.) there was a lot of talking. I can say finally the boy was broken down to true repentance. He has been a hard nut that I haven’t been able to crack for a looong time.

You can drag a horse to the water but you can't make him drink.

It's complicated because he’s not 2 where I can bend him to this is my will and you will do it. It’s a whole other game at this stage of dude you should freaking know better by now. Which then makes me feel that he needs supervised more than a 2 year old because his brain is no longer working.

A couple years ago they took a massive don't stinking want to attitude with whatever it was I said to do. Mainly school work. (I've joked I was ready to sell them to the gypsies. I hear I may get a better price with the circus. Anyone?) To top it off, we got shunned from a few homeschooling families due to all the drama from my momma.

That stung - at least on my end. Nothing like being told by your peers you're a freak.

We know we are to do this journey called homeschooling. They know it as well. However, it has been an uphill battle these last few years. I can trace it right back to my folks. I've been doing this for 8 years. I did not have problems to this level until the stuff with my folks happen.

Something N said brought back Walking With God and about making agreements. My boys, for the most part, are really good kids but have been the walking wounded. And this open wound has been causing them to act out. Nothing major but stupid junk like cheating because they don't want to do it, the snarky remarks to people that rub them the wrong way - that is pretty much the extent of it. But it's not who they are and not where we they are suppose to be. I'm not one to let it go unchecked. It's a royal pain and completely exhausting. I feel completely poured out for these boys.

Thankfully, I was able to cool off and tried to put some things into perspective. I'm not happy with the choices that he made. It made me feel like a bad home school mom/teacher. Like I'm the one that is really getting the grade by how well they act. That thinking really is wrong.

Whether they sink or swim really is a choice they have to make. Choose this day whom you shall serve. I've had to make that choice and I know that for this to be real for them they have to choose it for themselves not because I'm going to whack them in the head with a book. While that is a possibility not exactly the best way to encourage them which way to go. Seeing the struggle has been frustrating. I can't fix it and I can't change it. All I can do is keep putting myself out there, keep calling them on the bad behavior and suppress those feelings of whacking them with a book.

What about with a pillow?

I've been getting seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you. God is about the heart issues. I'm freaking out about how are we going to pay the electric bill and God keeps telling me to come back to the heart issues. I'm upset because I feel like I'm a bad homeschooling Mom because my kids made a bad choice (One I made at his age on more than one occasion but I left that out).

In that book I was talking about, it said that a lot of times we look at God as the means to an end rather than being fully surrendered to Him. God is all about relationship - He sent Jesus to deal with all our stank. We're to love God with all our hearts, minds, and souls yet I've made mental agreements that are contradicting what the Word says. Suddenly this relationship in that area is now hampered. I have been freaking out about money. If I believe that God will provide then why am I freaking out? There has been mental agreements with the enemy that says God won't. There is pain and fear that has got that door locked. I'm not fully surrendered.

As I was telling the boys all of this, I drew a picture of a heart. Then sectioned off different parts to be like a room. I said if you are frustrated with your school or your brother or whatever, satan will slide right up to you and say something like you'll never get it or you're too stupid to figure it out or your brother really doesn't like you. I asked if any of that sounded familiar.

J is now convinced I read minds.

I said when you think that's true, you just handed over a key to that room in your heart over to the enemy of your soul. So I drew a lock on one of the sections and shaded it. I said look at that heart - can it love God with all its heart, soul and mind now?

J said oh snap. Gotta love that kid.

I ended up praying with the boys. I know this isn't over with. Good gravy it's not even over for me, let alone them. But progress was made. That and I didn't kill the kid so kudos for me.

We didn't do too hot on our ABCs and 123s this year but I'm hoping that they learned much more on deeper levels. As I was bawling my head off with Hubs on the phone I said at least we'll save a bunch of money on school stuff cuz they will be repeating this come fall.

And that was my last attempt to see brighter side of this situation.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Avatar On Crack

I think my avatar chick has been smoking something. I swear she is still pissed off for going camping. She keeps popping back up with a scowl wearing camo pants, holding a hot dog with the look of 'what the hey, where's the ketchup'?

And I have no idea how to fix her grumpy little butt. I've deleted the html code and put in a new one but this chick does not want to go away. This leaves me to wonder about her future.

When I first started this blog I made sure to have her relevant to whatever long winded rant I posted. I've had a lot of fun with it. It's like a paper doll. But lately I've found it not so much fun.

Sure I've noticed none of the cool bloggers have avatars on their blogs but I've never claimed to be cool. Far from it. They bravely post pictures of themselves or have some really cute picture of something. And I'm playing with a virtual paper doll.

Taking dorkdom to a whole new level.

But I don't have a problem owning my dorkiness. I figure if I'm stuck with these guys I better cling to whatever girly thing I can get my hands on. I will never be cool and I've embraced that. Sort of hard to be cool when you're stuffed with too much fluff, part yeti, part Cruella, part dork, and have some weird foot defect that makes wearing flip-flops impossible to wear. Which in a way I find this fascinating because I'm always friggin cold. This must mean I'm one of the cool kids right? Right?

Crickets chirping

Maybe?

Crickets dying off from laughter

Yeah, okay whatever. Moving on...

I found myself daydreaming today as we are just a few more days away to a break. Last year we were so behind due to crappy attitudes, and that was just from me, that we had to work through the summer. While we are no where near where I wanted to be, I'm taking the break.

So if anyone is near our house by the end of Friday and sees me run out into the driveway and scream at the top of my lungs and do some really bad, white woman dance - don't panic. It's not a seizure it's just the beginning of summer break.

I will own up to the nice part about us going camping was we got away from everything. Life has been too overwhelming lately. I'm not exactly sure how to get my feet back under me. I didn't have to think about school stuff or who had to finish what project. I didn't have calls reminding me payment is past due or look at bills piling up or just saw how many baby/bridal showers and grad parties we've been invited too. Didn't have to try breathing through a paper bag when I thought about the checkbook.

Probably because I was too busy thinking holy crap I'm cold.

I took much mockery over this. One evening I had on a t-shirt, long sleeve shirt over that, a sweatshirt over that, two hooded jackets, and I was wrapped up in a blanket. I was still cold. The nice part was there wasn't any frost on the ground like one year. Who knew having a cold old house would prepare me for camping?

Somehow I just know Hubs was behind that Jedi mind trick. Probably called it some sort of training of the senses. Can't wait to train some part of his senses. But he usually figures out what I'm up to because he uses his powers for evil instead of good.

I did see a guy wearing a shirt and I wished I could have found it. It said: I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar. For some reason it just cracked me up.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Memories

All I can say is those men people I live with better have fond memories. AND that I'm the best Mom in the world. We'll just overlook that I'm the one they are stuck with as that is just a minor detail.

I did notice a huge difference. When I was dragged forced camping as a kid, it was all about going mushroom hunting. My Dad would get giddy around March just thinking about morel mushrooms. So much so, that we would go camping 2-3 weekends, going 2-3 times a day looking for mushrooms - out in the woods with all the bugs. I hated every minute of it. And I remember on more than one occasion throwing a hissy fit to end all hissy fits, all to no avail.

I've also noticed that my parents couldn't plan worth a darn so we went camping with my OCD grandparents in their RV. While I like my grandparents, all my childhood memories were feelings that I was an inconvenience. If I asked for a drink, there was a long pause and then the 'why yes, dear you can' followed with some back in my day we didn't have drinks type story. Served with just enough guilt that it would get stuck in your throat. And God help you if you didn't finish whatever it was you asked for.

I later watched as they would let their great-grandchildren eat a cookie but then stand there with a Dustbuster to sweep up the crumbs - while they were still eating - off of their shirts. OCD - taking it to a whole new level.

I, however, totally rejected that gene and took the yeti one. Clearly, I thought this one through.

So this camping trip there was no pressure to go hunt for mushrooms even though we did. Oddly enough, because I wasn't forced to do it I was more willing. I bet this information would cause my Dad to beat his head repeatedly against his cell block. Wonder if I should include that in his father's day card? Nah, that might be on the bitter side.

We actually did find some, which surprised us because it was so dry up there. If only they had a couple days of rain we would have scored big time. While heading back to camp, I noticed Hubs walk right passed a mushroom. When I bent over to cut it, I saw three more. While I was gloating, that turkey found a clump of 7. Never saw a clump bigger than 5. So even though the conditions weren't the best we still found some.

Here is the funny part - the guys really don't care for them. My Mom always rolled them in flour and then fried them. Hello? Fried mushrooms - doesn't get any better than that. The older two will eat some but they don't over do it, while J just looks at you like you have got to be kidding me.

Last year with my folks, it was just tense and not fun at all. But I did notice that N and M have come around a corner and it is more than just my folks not being there. I didn't write anything mushy for their 13th birthday. Age 12 was really hard to put up with and by the time 13 rolled around I just didn't have much I could say. I kept thinking if it's bad at 12, what was it going to be like at 13? I can say 13 is waaay better than 12.

I was teasing the guys if it was really necessary for me to go camping. N, said 'no, but your running commentary is hilarious'. I asked if they had fun with their Dad and they said yes but I make them laugh. Aww shucks. Then they had to add I talk forever and wished I could sum it up much faster. Sigh

We sat around the campfire just talking and goofing off. I had J curled up next to me as we shivered under a blanket. Dude crashed and one night both Hubs and I were shaking him awake. He sat up totally out of it. We said it was time to turn in and he said 'but I'm not tired'. We all cracked up laughing about that one.

We had some good talks with the older boys while J was snoozing. While we were discussing the book Walking With God, the boys were asking us some questions that were so insightful it was just amazing. I will do a full post on that book. I'm only half way through and it is just something to stop and think about. But to see your kids have the same ah-ha moment at a much younger age is humbling on several levels.

They did crack me up. They had their glow in the dark lightsabers. They were showing off their moves and once it got dark I tried taking some pictures of it. All I got were streaks. But they were still watch me Mom - watch me do this. Very much like little boys.

Then it turned into a pissing match. I looked over at Hubs and asked if this was normal. He said oh yes, get used to it because his brother and him would try to out do each other. Lord, have mercy! This showed up overnight and it was getting ridiculous!


Everything from who had the lower voice which would be Michael. (I made him and his Dad have a bass off. Hubs only beat him by one note! Hubby has a low voice so for M to go just as low at 13 - what is it going to be like in another year or two?)
To Nicholas who is about eyeball to eyeball with me and was cackling with glee. He had me bend my knees so he was taller. I saw the twinkle in his eyes and I said no matter how big you get I will take you down.

Motherhood - busting the male ego since birth. (They finally gave me permission to use their names. Wasn't that nice of them?) *insert eye roll*

While they were bragging about who was more of a man, the subject of who had more hair came up. I said first person to nominate me would die a slow and painful death all while keeping eye contact with J. He just smirked at me. M has a little bit more of a stache but when I gave them haircuts I noticed some fuzz starting on the cheeks. N whipped off his shirt and said he had more armpit arm. Not to be outdone, M yanked off his shirt for the pit off and bragged he had some peach fuzz on his chest.

They can thank my yeti gene because their Dad can't grow a full beard. His mother brags she has more hair on her chest than he does.

A visual I'm still trying to burn out of my mind.

But I was not prepared to see the amount of fur going on. When did that happen?? I looked at Hubs and said you're the top rooster, put and end to this. So dude yanks off his shirt and said he has more armpit hair and has 30 dark, manly hairs on his chest verses their peach fuzz.

My hero.

Sadly, this got some nods of approval and conceded defeat. God help me. I do not understand the male species.

I can tell by the way they stand, in the way they talk and relate to each other that they have rounded yet another corner. There I stand wondering what corner and how did I miss that one? It is funny because you just try and survive the stages of life and the next thing you know that stage is done and moving into another one.

So I was watching these mini-adults and listening to them come up with insight far beyond their years. Some days they are so much smarter than I am that it's just scary. And then other days they are in a mood and/or will do something so stupid you wonder if they really are brain dead.

I can say the older two just loved every single moment of the weekend. J did hide in the tent a few times to get away from the bugs. Feeling his pain, I went in there to play some cards with him, only to find out much later the boy cheated in Go Fish as he saw my cards from the reflection from my sunglasses. Turkey.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I'm Tired!

Just a quick post to let y'all know I survived. No clue what is going on with my body - aunt flo won't go away. This is now week 2. Woman needs to knock it off. Longest I've gone is 9 weeks. You read that right 9 weeks. While this is nothing - I'm not thrilled. Thankfully, no bears were around. I made sure to wrap those suckers in a small scented baggie. Then ate a large amount of chili with the thought that if I smelled really bad then it would chase whatever away.

And speaking of smelling really bad...

To say the twins are sporting a manly stench would be the understatement.

I still want a medal for my balancing act on the little porta potty. Especially while changing a pad - in the middle of the night.

Hubby should get down on his knees and thank God that I'm not planning revenge.

Both of us are reading a couple of books that have led to some major ooohhh moments. I got M hooked on reading The Left Behind Series. Dude finished book one rather quickly. N and I made eye contact but that was as far as that suggestion went.

Hubby has no work for the next few days. Does not help the money situation. We only found out and I'm trying not to have a full blown melt down. Hubs said we have got to be on the verge of some huge breakthrough because we have just been getting pounded. Another understatement.

But I did have a shower and I think I'm back to sort of feeling human again. Now I just need to go sleep for 12 hours and then battle the forces of nasty camping laundry. Did I mention the boys were rather ripe? No?? Did I mention I was rather messy? This is going to be a battle worthy of some hording of the chocolate.

I will choose to look at the bright side that since Hubs will be home, he can get all the camping crap out of the dining room now. And I'll horde all the chocolate.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Too Much Information

So sorry for lack of a blog post. My blog was off-line all day. After breathing through a paper bag to calm myself down, I gave up trying and, low and behold, the thing fixed itself. Which is good because my idea of fixing it is to wring my hands and pound on a few keys.

It has been a great week. I've had some serious girl time this week. I'll need it as we trek off into the wilderness. Hubster did resort to cheating. He claims it was not cheating it was just being prepared. He made sure to have everything packed and ready to go and said if I didn't think we should go then I could unload everything. He may have won this round but I am woman - hear my long list of complaints.

Hopefully I won't be a bear snack. Aunt flo has not slowed down but rather sensing my angst, picked up the pace. She's a bit on the dramatic side.

I did get a good chuckle at Hubby's expense. He's dubbed one tent the Lucky Tent. I'll leave it to your imagination. Lucky was unable to make it the last couple of years due to the seams leaking. A few months ago after a lot of work, Hubs was able to re-seal Lucky hoping to get it back in action.

Is it wrong that I'm now gloating that Lucky will not be seeing any of that action? Sorry dude, no bow-chica-bow-wow for you. Something tells me this is going to be an interesting weekend.

I feel as ornery as a bear. Can't really short sheet a sleeping bag but surely I can come up with something. I'm praying we don't have any issues but I have a feeling this is going to limit how much hiking I'll be able to do.

Now that you are really grossed out by all this TMI, I will end it here. Or maybe just side step it a bit. While packing, I was looking at some of my bras.

Am I the only one out there that is having issues finding one that gasp fits?? Wally world isn't cutting it. Vicki's den of devils does not have the fat girl size. No, not bewbs, back fat. Darn those cookies. I'm hardly ever near a mall to check out JCPenny's and Target only fits infants.

I've been trying to find bras to fit those new tops with the square neck line - local stores all came up with a zero. At least in my size. I've noticed to hold in the back fat, they think I must have knockers the size of bowling balls. While that would have been nice, sadly, that is not what I have going on. The cute bras only come in the itty bitty titty club and you have to be a size shut up you're so skinny to fit them.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.

Okay, now that I've gone way beyond the TMI side, I think I should call it a day and end it here. Not like I had anything floating around in my head. Who knew camping could kill blogging mojo?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Bzzzz

I'm a bit fried. No, I haven't been in the sun. I'm still sporting a lovely shade of I can't believe I don't have pigment pale white. It's more like brain fried.

We went to Wal-Mart for the loading of the pantry. There are a few people who work there that make the whole parting with the money a bit more pleasant. And really, we needed something to smile about as I nervously watch the total go up and up and up. It's really too bad that food is such a nice way to medicate yourself. Looking at what was flying across the scanner there will be a whole lot of self medication going on.

I better be freakin happy.

I looked over at the boys, who think eating is a hobby, as they bat their eyes at me one last attempt to glean one more thing of out me. Luckily for me, I have perfected the art of I don't see you.

I took a poll and the majority of us feel that camping is most certainly a form of spousal abuse. The only nice side about this is Hubs does ALL the cooking. Dude will also open up, give me quality time, and will actually be willing to talk about all the issues he's really good at avoiding. I think he figures he better or I may bribe a bear. I heard rumors the guys found a bear trap last year. They thought I couldn't hear. I'm in a tent - breathable walls and the stupid flap opened - must be soundproof.

I'm still playing rock, paper, scissors to see if we can get out of it. So far I'm winning. I have a feeling he's going to cheat sooner of later. He promised he would only use those Jedi mind tricks for the forces of good instead of evil. This isn't looking good for the home team as I think he's going to say my definition and his definition are not the same thing.

Rather than go on and on and on like normal, I thought I would end this sad post with a few jokes.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'
'The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...but please don't shove me either!'

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

An elderly woman died last month.. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
Oh the words - they fail me on this one! Well, that's not true...

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'


In June the government will start deporting all the mentally ill people. I started crying when I thought of you. Run my little crazy friend, run!
Well, what can I say?? I'm NOT going alone!!
Shout out to the gangsta ninja as he would get tossed right along with me.
My bro from another mo knows he's screwed. I just hope they take him first. heehee

Monday, May 18, 2009

Summer Break - Are We There Yet??

Stomp, bang, boom!
"Boys!"
Screeching halt of all the mayhem
"Yeah?"
"Are you dressed?"
"Yeah."
"Take care of the trash."
"Oh, okay"
Stomp, bang, boom!
"NOW!"
"Oh."

We are on the count down of going on break for the summer. I need a break. I don't stinking care if things aren't done - I'M DONE! (said with a lot of panting and wheezing) We had to work through the summer last year because, big shock, we weren't done with stuff. I'm taking the break.

Went to a bridal shower and I can't thank them enough that there were no games. Seriously. Muwah-wah! Big, big smooches.

Knowing I was going to go do something girly, I thought I would doll up for the weekend. I had me some new bling that I need to wear. Who cares that it was MIL's cast offs? One man's junk is another woman's priceless heirloom.

My MIL always has pretty nails. She has tons of nail stuff and just about every shade of purple nail polish. We were even remembering that one time we were down visiting and she let the older boys, not even two, play with her basket full of nail polish. The mess that came out of that lack of judgement lived on until they replaced the carpet.

I still think she was taking illegal substances but she has neither confirmed or denied it. That was back in the day when she had to take 40 some pills a day.

I try not to have nail envy. I can grow my nails long but they will curl under. Everyone has told me that is a lack of iron. To this I say duh.

I am trying to survive the blood loss of 09 as best as I can. This month's aunt flow has been a bit of a retard. There is no mentally challenged on this. It has just been flat stupid. I spotted for a day or three and then nothing for a day or three. This has been going on for three weeks. Then a few days ago some invisible gnome came up and sucker punch me right in the uterus causing me to drop to the floor and pant for 10 minutes.

The guys, ever so sensitive, and have seen this before. So they just got up and left the room before I could hurt any innocent non-uterus people standing around. Some day I'm going to have a post your worse period story blog party.

But I totally went off on that bunny trail.

Nails! While on our shopping quest, I found some purty glue on nails. The Wal-Mart brand changed their glue and turned my nails a green color. All together - eww. So this brand is the fancier kind and I really hope doesn't do the same thing. The trouble is this is making typing really difficult and really slow. Spell check just grabbed a bottle, took a long slug, and said it was going to be a long post. Cry baby.

Hubs called with good news. I asked if he managed to save money on car insurance. He said no. Phooey!

Hubs: "God was telling me we should go camping."
Me: "Are you sure it was God telling you this?"
H: (Laughing) "Yes, I'm sure. This is good news."
Me: "Really? For who?"
H: "You're the one saying you're tired and just want a break."
Me: "From life and all it's demands not camping which is life made harder."
H: "It'll be an adventure."
Me: "That's what you said about marriage."
H: "It has been an adventure."
Me: "More like a horror flick in the midst of a romance novel."
H: "Yes, adventure."
Me: "Whee."
H: "We'll be fine."
Me: "You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means." (Princess Bride)
H: "Hil-arious."
Me: "I try my best."

So the great camping debate is now underway. The only trump card - take my fat butt out in the wild on a period and I will show you the true meaning of scary. We saw elk one year. I really don't want to meet up with a bear and try to explain to him I'm not wounded or dying that this is just mother nature's way of saying the human race sucks. Therefore he can put down the eating utensils.

I don't speak bear. And I'm pretty sure if it's male I won't be able to reason with him. Wait, am I talking about my husband or a bear? I forget.

I would be a jumbo Scooby snack. I would be screwed. I tried showing off my pretty fingers by wiggling them, saying I can't camp with these on. Dude held up pliers and then laughed at the look on my face.

Let the games begin!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Happy Joy, Joy

Run for the hills. Seriously. No, it's not swine flu. I'm in a mood. I know - what else is new? I tell you, there has just been some stuff that has been nipping at my heels. So much so, that I told Hubs to change our name, change our address, get me out of dodge with no call forwarding.

He handed me some chocolate and asked if it was a bad day. After I wolfed down the chocolate like the savage beast that I felt like, I said no, I didn't have a bad day. Just stuff. There isn't this person or that person, it's just check ya later. I'm tired.

Hubby nodded his head and handed me some more chocolate which, sadly for him, I turned on him for keeping my habit going. Sorry dear - darned if you do, darned if you don't.

Then, of course, I felt bad. If I'm going to take his head off shouldn't there should be a reason for just feeling eh?

I've noticed that there is a lot of eh going on in bloggyland. Seems like everyone is just dealing with something. You can just tell that people are worn down and beat up.

Hubby is reading John Eldredge's book Walking with God. He is so pumped up over this book that sadly I was ready to deck him. Ever have someone quote you scriptures that just ended up rubbing you raw? I've had that happen - a lot. Yet another proud moment for me.

So I'm in a rotten mood, I'm frustrated and dude was not helping. I can tell that this book is just speaking to him right where he is at and he is just drinking it up. He told me before going off to bed to not give up. I responded with the pissed off 'yes, dear' which is really just me saying bite me.

I picked up the book and flipped through it and already there were several things that just jumped out and grabbed my attention. One part was when we aren't hearing from God and we don't have the answers we're seeking for - we need to be careful not to agree with the discouragement, despair, or the resignation, etc.

Do I believe God? I would say duh. Do I believe His Word? This is where I want to say yes but... I've heard many a preacher say get your big but out of the way and believe God.

The Word says I have this or this will happen. Yet, I don't or it didn't come to pass. So there lays the broken emotions with the sharp edges that are poised to slice into tender flesh. Vulnerable. I think if we're honest that word makes us rather uncomfortable. Who wants to be vulnerable in front of people? I always thought if I showed people my weakness they would take advantage of them. Some have.

I felt that gentle nudge that I need to resist those feelings that wants to wall myself off - to not get into agreement with them.

Ahh, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

I get to this section about Making Room for Joy. All through these couple of pages it just reads my mail and throws on the light. It clarifies the whole making agreements. Something whispers in our head like God has forsaken you or It'll never get better and something in us response 'that's true'. A conviction is formed.

I think that was one of the things that hit me upside the head about Lies Women Believe. I did not realize how much untruth and lies I had believed to be true. Yet again, I see a whole other wave of lies that I had been agreeing with - not intentionally but agreed with all the same.

Ruh-roh Raggie!

I'm frustrated. And in that frustration is where the lies slide right in. There isn't any joy and the joy of the Lord is our strength. Not feeling very strong right now.

Nothing like getting a wide-eye look of something and think oooohhhhhh. Or more like Oh snap!

My joy has gotten clobbered lately. I think I'm not the only one. That section in the book went on to say that Jesus wants us to have the full measure of His joy.

I was watching Angel Wars with J this afternoon. Nothing is more humbling than to get corrected by a kids video. I've told my boys many a time that we're in an unseen war. And yet I find myself surprised when I'm attacked.

The joy of the Lord is my strength. Making wrong convictions will clogged that joy. Vicious cycle. And it really sucks to sit here and see my own emotions being used right against me and then I have to come back to what do I believe - not feel.

If they would have asked what do you feel, I would've said, "don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya."

Some days I'm not too bright.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Oh Mother

Okay, I got a few emails asking me about my Mother’s day. Don’t you love how I word this? It’s like I have people - except I don’t.

Anyhoo, yes I did have a lovely Mother’s Day. I got mushy and thoughtful cards from all 4 guys. The boys really surprised me in the cards they picked as it had the most meaningful words. We were talking about Mother's Day and my MIL so got it and took better care of me the whole weekend than her son does most of the time. It’s not that I don’t love Hubs – far from it. He’s just what we say a bit on the clueless side at times.

My MIL blames it on his father. She said it’s the dad’s responsibility to teach the kids how to treat Mom. I got up and start clapping and tossed in an "amen, preach it sister" when I felt withering looks from both Hubs and FIL. I said look they even glare the same. This got snickers from the younger versions until they too felt the same withering looks from their Dad and Pap.

Because they are my spawn, they sensed an uncomfortable air so tossed out a joke or seven and changed the subject. Their momma was real proud. No one can’t toss out a joke or seven like me to lighten the mood or keep the delusion in a firm grasp.

The only draw back on the whole weekend was the quest for finding a purse seriously came up short. We went to Kohl's and found tons of cute purses on sale - some even marked down to $13. Let me tell you I am kicking myself for not grabbing the stupid bag.

The downside was my current purse has a built in wallet on the front. I would have to buy a wallet or billfold or whatever it is they are called. Seeing all the sale signs, I wandered over to give a look. My MIL found me from all the shrieking of "how much??!" The wallet was marked down to $35. Now honestly, that is completely uncalled for.

I found one that would have matched the purse but was $25. I think that's why I gave up on the purse so quickly. When we were out again on Sunday we checked out Payless and while they were lacking on the purse department, they had a wallet that would have matched marked down to $10.

Have you seen those commercials where the person kicks themselves in the rear end for not buying something sooner? Oh I had that feeling.

The only thing that took the sting out of the lost purse find was going to another store and hitting the jackpot on some clothes. Well, most of them anyway. I don't know what the fashion trend is for skinny girls, but lately there are tops that have this wrap around vice grip on the girls with this really tight elastic band squeezing the air out of your lungs thus making you look smaller.

And blue I might add.

At least this top wasn't enhancing the back fat, but I decided I did, in fact, need oxygen. Trouble was I was having issues getting the darn thing off. I almost had to call out an S.O.S. to MIL because that vice grip got tighter the more I struggled.

After a lot of prayer and few cuss words, I think I may have popped a few stitches on that thing just to break free from its grasp. I hid it all the way in the back of the rack to try and save anyone else from the death trap.

I did noticed that I now have a few tops that has a squared neckline yet have bras that aren't going to work with them. Unless I feel like showing everyone my Wal-Mart brand of over the shoulder boulder holders. Yeah, I can dream. This means I now need to pick up some new bras. When I mentioned this to Hubs you should have heard the angst coming from the guys.

Just to mess with their heads, I told them a story how I remember when I was a little girl I went digging through my Mom's clothes. I used to love taking those eggs that the pantyhose came in - do they still have those? - and would stuff them in her bra. Mom would find me with a Madonna look going on way before she came up with the idea of bra on outside of shirt, trying on her shoes and draped in her jewelry.

The look of disgust they gave me was so worth it. But I had them in stitches when I said I do remember pulling out a black bra, putting it on my head and starting singing M-i-c-k-e-y M-o-u-s-e.

After that Mom kept better tabs on me.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Ho-Hum

Guess what I forgot to do yesterday? I forgot to write a post. I totally have a legitimate reason for it. Two days in a row, the boys and I watched kids. It wasn't the fact that I was the human jungle-gym that caused my brain to go blank. No, it was the mindless children shows that did the most damage.

I will confess, I took a bit of pleasure getting my children back by forcing them to watch it. N was pretending to impale himself when I said paybacks for years of me watching all that stuff. They, of course, denied ever watching anything so lame. I told them Kipper and Maisey Mouse were at the top of the list. They claim to have no memory of it. I have proof but for now I'll let them maintain their delusion.

So last night after dinner, I sat down and was just talking with Hubby when I noticed I was getting a bit sleepy. I told him I was going to lay down and just rest my eyes. He woke me up hours later and said he was going to bed. I said I would get my jammies on and come back down stairs. Yeah, that didn't happen. I was tired! Went to bed and didn't have a problem sleeping the whole night.

Got up with Hubs at o'dark-thirty, made myself breakfast, read my bible and now here I sit - with still nothing on my mind to blog about. I'm sure I'll manage to blather on about something.

Hubs said we might not go camping this year because of money. I would have jumped up and screamed, "thank you, Jesus!" but he was so down about it. Boys overheard that and they were really down about it as well.

Oh, the irony. Here I was trying to encourage them that after this last weekend, surely God will provide and take care of us even, gulp, provide to go camping. No wonder I had a headache. I bet it was brought on by all the slipper slapping I did to myself for making that statement.

I did noticed that I need more tool buttons on this blog for my writing. Spell check is a must but how about a grammar button? For example, I put sew instead of sow the other day. I tend to do this a lot. It's spelled correctly - go me - but it's not the right word. There goes all those award-winning writing prizes I was counting on, unless I'm still a contender for butchering the English language.

Boys had a really hard question on an English quiz and when I looked at it I could actually feel my brain cells give up the will to think. Such a proud moment for me. I just patted them on the back and said, "well that's what happens when you don't study," and ran out of the room before they could figure me out.

Speaking of the boys, I can tell one of them is pestering his brothers to get up. I think I better go check on them before the head count is minus one. There is more than one non-morning person in this pack and some mornings it can get interesting.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Poo Flinger

So after wow look what all God did and holy smokes I had a great weekend, you just know there was going to be some form of poo floating around.

And whom am I to disappoint?

I got 2, count them, 2 letters from my Mom. Well one was for J and one was wishing me a happy Mother's Day. I guess she has a view of the tower that had the Liberty Bell. She said she would like a letter as their numerous attempts to contact us hasn't been successful.

I'll just pretend that wasn't there.

Oh, I forgot to add that in J's b-day card from my grandma, she got on my case royally to take my Dad's phone calls. She said he is hungry to hear my voice. Something tells me I could change that feeling. Both have phone cards and it won't cost us anything. I beg to differ - it will cost something. Maybe not money, but it will cost.

In the letter from my grandma she told me that my parents personal property, like my Dad's wallet and my Mom's wedding ring got stolen - while in the custody of the U.S. Marshals. While I'm not too thrilled with my parents, the fact that my Mom's wedding ring is now missing while under U.S. Marshals care just sent me over the edge.

It leaves me to ask who is the criminal?

For whatever reason I was just devastated over it. And I mean one nasty, ugly, devastated cry over it. Last time, my Mom had managed to get her ring into her purse and handed off to her kooky friends and I eventually got it. We had it safe and sound the whole time. Now knowing that some two-bit hack cop palmed it bothered me.

I say hack cop because it has been my impression that the people that take that job seriously do the job and not look out how they can claw their way to the top and then there is the rest of them that give those people a bad name.

Or I'm clueless and only two people in every office are actually decent and the majority are out for number one.

Grandma said that they now have some higher ups looking into it. Yeah, I'll just hold my breath while they get on it. I did pray that their stuff would get returned to them. I was telling my MIL about it and she said further proof that they are on the wrong path. I told her it still shouldn't be this way. Someone has got to be the bigger person rather than commit criminal acts themselves all while wearing a badge. Again - who's the criminal?

I did get my Mom a Mother's Day card. I did put a little note in it. I did say I was sorry about her ring and praying for it to be returned and that her foot that had surgery would be healed as I heard it was still hurting as she's been forced on it too much too soon. I did say that I won't be taking the phone calls as there really isn't much to say at this point.

Short and sweet. No snarky. That's as good as it's going to get. I did mail it late as I couldn't find her prison number. Who knew you were suppose to keep those things? So when she sent J a letter, I was able to get it and mailed off the card.

Dad's letter was more of scriptures telling me not to be full of fear and that I'm full of anger. I'm starting to wonder if he's just telling me I'm full of it and is picking a different adjective. I first thought I would sock him a bunch of scriptures right back but decided not to as I'm too busy to do it. I will say the whole thing has left me pretty speechless. I think I've exhausted the human language on the whole thing. Hubs said he thinks the letters are going to get a bit more testy the longer I take to respond.

Me thinks I'm taking avoidance to a whole new level.

But I mailed off Mom's card and I'll get Dad a Father's day card. I got a few weeks to fine tune that letter. To be honest, it is requiring more energy than what I want to spend on it. I can at least have the rest of this year in some form of peace. Might as well take advantage of it as he's already said that he isn't going away and can't ignore him forever. Wanna bet?

I really hate the fact that I can go from, wow, God is so awesome, to oh yeah, my life sucks post. Probably why this blog isn't called Rainbows and Sunshine or something really pukey like that.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Who's Your Source?

I pose this question because right now, I am still just blown away by it all. I should back up...

When we last read about our heroine, she was in the throws of life. Her baby was turning 10, their truck had died, in-laws were on the way up, and there wasn't money floating around. To say she was in the pit of despair would be the understatement.

Fuel pump went ker-blewy. It was all fixed, but we couldn't pay for it. Such a pleasant moment. Rather than focus on holy crud what are we going to do? - we celebrated J's b-day. Which was good, because dude was pushing every last button. He had a great time as we spent the whole day doing what he wanted. Everything from playing Sorry to watching a movie. We sent him off to bed with a sugar hang-over where he quickly passed out.

All in time for me to clean up as the in-laws pulled in. We got to chatting away and hearing the latest and greatest and the next thing I noticed it was 3 am. We all stumbled off to bed. My FIL asked about the truck as he is our handy, dandy, fixer-upper person. I told him the situation and he said they would pay for the truck.

After being reassured 312 times that they could cover it and it wouldn't leave them high and dry, we met up with Hubby and his Daddy bailed him out.

Cue big sigh of relief

Now my FIL was going to work on my van. When Hubs was in the van, the service engine soon light came on and dude about crawled into a hole never to return. So my FIL hands me the keys to his truck and tells me and my MIL to go girl shopping while he worked on the van all while the boys were in video game bliss.

Didn't have to tell me twice.

Got real good at praying before starting the thing cuz I couldn't turn the key too well. My legs are longer so I got to drive. We were gone all day. And I mean ALL day. My MIL bought me some clothes and shoes, we grabbed lunch, and we had a great day just talking. She's having some church issues herself and we just had to shake our head at the whole thing.

We got back home and my FIL says, "Girl, your van has some issues."

I nodded and said, "Much like it's owner."

Turns out the water pump was bad which explained the anti-freeze leak. A spring in the back was broke (which I have no idea what that meant). The rim on a tire was bad and a tire had some cords or cables hanging from it, and we still couldn't use the stupid power windows.

It took a few days but he got it all back to working as good as it's going to get. Only one power window works but it's better than nothing. Everything else was fixed.

Cue another big sigh of relief

We took the boys shopping. When J has a b-day it is the twins half b-day - to the date. So these lucky kids get to celebrate birthday and half-birthday. They got a truck load of clothes. My MIL's shopping anointing was in full force. Thank ya Jesus!

Oh, how I love her shopping anointing! I know some of you asked if she would pray over hankies and hand them out but she said it didn't work that way. The top she got had just gone on clearance that day. As in marked it down as she stepped through the door.

Yes, I did finally stopped bowing in her presence, but only because she told me to knock it off.

And speaking of going out to eat - I only cooked one meal the whole time they were here. I'm still all emotional about that cuz I didn't have to cook or clean dishes either.

Later this evening, Hubs and I were talking. While we were talking, no joke God brought it right to my mind the reason we had such a blessed weekend. My MIL insisted it was God that they were able to help us to the degree that they did. I think I had mentioned earlier that we had gone through boxes upon boxes of just stuff, more specifically clothes.

We found a big bin full of clothes that I had forgotten about. I also went through all the boys' drawers and closet and hauled out everything that was too small. We had my brother's stuff that had just been sitting in boxes. Hubby went through it and took what he wanted. We had a friend of ours go through it and take what he wanted. And N and M were able to get some stuff out of it and even have a few shirts waiting for them come fall. We were able to hand off the kids' clothes and I went through my closet and pulled stuff out and gave a bunch to Goodwill.

All that to say, we prayed over the clothes that they would be a blessing to whoever would get them and sewed it, so to speak, into people's lives. A week later, our truck gets paid for, our van gets fixed up, my boys all have a bunch of clothes, I got a bunch of clothes, my MIL brought up jewelry she didn't want and let me have my pick, and they took us out to eat almost every day they were here.

To God be the glory!

As a lot of you know, Hubs was laid off but thankfully is back to work full time. While we are still getting out of the hole, and there are times I still do wonder how are we ever going to get out of it - God has definitely been with us.

We had someone leave money in our van, I had a stranger walk up to me and hand me money while at a store, my bloggin buddy Margie had sent us some money, my aunt mailed me a check - I could go on. It wasn't all at once. It was a little bit here and a bit there. We would get a shut off notice and somehow we just had enough.

I can't stress it enough - it was looking completely hopeless. Hubby kept telling me for today we're okay. I would start with the but... He would say but nothing. There are still some hurdles that need to be crossed that still look impossible. But for today - we're okay.

I heard a lady preacher a few years ago asked, 'who is your source?' She said it's not our husband's job but the Lord. This caused my brain to go tilt! I still don't have it figured out. God didn't make this storm go away like I wanted it to, He didn't dump a bunch of cash in my hands to pay everything off, but He did sustain us to get through it and I believe He'll continue to do so.

If nothing else - we're okay for today.

Something that has been jumping out at me lately, "The blessing is in the fragments". Jesse Duplanits had said that. He said God was showing him different ways to gather the fragments. The illustration was he had everyone turn off the lights in their office every time they left, even if it was just for 1 minute. They saved a truck load of money for one month. I had all these clothes sitting around not doing me any good. But God told me that we just got a harvest off of that.

I'm thinking I need to go through my basement some more!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Happy B-Day to J!

We were going through pictures earlier this week. I thought I would give 10 pictures of 10 years. I so hate this scanner. Not much I could do to fix it. Oh well!
Such a cute little thing. Where did the time go?


Jared, you are a silly nut! You love to make people laugh. You've proved you will go to any length - whether it was stuffing empty water bottles in your clothes to show off muscles or stuffing a bag on your head. You definitely make us laugh.

Welcome to doubt digits - now start acting like it. Yes, I know I just got all weepy on you and said you were my baby. It was one of those lack of chocolate days - you know what I mean.

Love you, baby. *sniff* Now I have to find me some chocolate.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

This Bites

Remember that whole blogging responsibly? Yeah, screw that. Hubs truck died. I had to go pick him up while he had it towed. We'll find out tomorrow what is going on and how much it's going to cost. To say that angst was in the air would be an understatement.

I got another letter from my Dad. At this point, I don't even want to know what it has to say. I'm still a bit upset over the last one. Part of my assignment is to get a card for my Mom. Right now, I'm thinking of making my own card - Darkmark, the dark basement at Hallmark.

I'm just really frustrated with life in general right now. So much so, that I would rather I stayed in the shell rather than made an effort to get out of it. I got an email today telling me how someone from my old church said something about me that is just plain not true. Hurt? Yes. Upset? Not so much. I can't say as I'm surprised. But it does leave a bad taste in my mouth for all the time and effort I've put into things. My motives for doing it was to serve but it certainly takes a lot of wind right out of the sail. And this wasn't the first time that happened either.

Toss in all the other junk and it just puts me in a bad mood.

I was telling Hubs the other day that I miss some of the girlfriend times I used to have a long time ago. I've been in two different scrapbook nights, where we got together once a month and just tried to get stuff done while talking away. In between those, I was in a home school group and a couple of us went out once a month and just hung out, no kids and just talked about anything and everything.

It helped keep my head above the waters while we were in the midst of some dark times. I miss having my friends. First we moved a bit out of the way, one moved out of the state, and for whatever reason lost touch with a few others. Even though it wasn't from a lack of trying to stay connected. I was in a scrapbook thing with my cousin but she moved out of state.

Now I'm feeling very much alone but feel just burned emotionally. I don't even want to make the effort. When we went through being unemployed, it was the loneliest time. We got the 'well we're praying for you' as people walked right past us. I didn't have one person grab my hand and pray. There was nothing to take our eyes off the problem even for a moment. I felt like I was whining if I just stated the facts. I even had people tell me I was whining.

I have no family. I don't have aunts or cousins or anyone else to help in a time of crisis. I feel totally abandoned by my folks. I thought about that as I went to pick up Hubs. I felt a-l-o-n-e. And I've found myself in many a church that only is concern as long as you are there to help the show go on.

And that sucks.

I've been trying to catch myself. So many times we say, 'wow, I'll pray for you' but that person that desperately needs that prayer will never know it. Not to long ago, we were in conversation with someone and the polite thing would have been to say, 'I'll pray for you'. Instead, I found myself just resting my hand on his arm and just started praying. I think I shocked both of us, personally.

I keep coming across be a do-er of the Word. There are a lot of hurting people. There are a lot of thirsty people. I'm hurting and I'm thirsty. I'm frustrated with circumstances and I'm frustrated with people. I keep telling God to put me in time-out because right now, I don't feel like I can do a lick of good - for Him or anybody else for that matter. So to read be a do-er of the Word? Makes me want to see if I can find some scriptures of get away from everyone and go sit in a corner.

How about 'get thee out of thy country'? Or '...up, get you out of this place'? Not quite covering it.

Hubs said I need to put a disclaimer that I'm being irrational. I don't think I've ever been accused of being rational. So I think that would be a big duh!

Monday, May 4, 2009

How Was Your Weekend?

I had a fabulous weekend! Hubby couldn't work Thursday or Friday due to weather but we ended up going out just the two of us Friday. Sheer bliss! He took me out for lunch and then we went birthday shopping for J.

Talked about a lot of stuff, too. Sort of hard to talk when your kids are right there listening to everything, all the time.

Just was very open where we were at with some things. Got a letter from my Dad that really honked me off. Trying to figure out what to do and how to handle that whole mess. Not an easy thing to do. Hubby thinks it's okay not to be reconciled with my folks. There was a point in time with his folks that there was a line drawn in the sand and they were willing to change. Since my folks are not willing to change it needs to be cut off.

So far that's been easy but wonder about that one. You can tell that my Dad is bent on pestering the snot out of me. He started his letter by telling me to stop being as stubborn as my parents. Hilarious. He gave me a ton of scriptures about not being in fear and kept saying over and over how much fear I'm in. Wow, big mouth, thank you so much for speaking that crap over me. Right now I can't tell if his letter was a purposeful smack to get me to respond or what.

So that is an ongoing thing. Was very open with Hubs with where all I'm at right now, what all I've been struggling with, areas God pulled the curtain back on, and just talked. I didn't ask for the answer just his opinion and if he thought I was out in left field on things.
It was really nice just to be a couple. We get along really well and I think the times I want to tie him up and smack him are when we're too busy for each other. When there is no time to talk is when things get stressful.

We took the boys to the X-Men movie. It was really good. I didn't have to tell J to close his eyes on anything and I didn't need a spotter. We had watched X-Men 2 the night before and this movie actually answered a lot of questions from that movie. Go us!

Then we had a little party for J Sunday afternoon. We took him to a bounce place. It was crazy busy! But the kids all had fun.


I think he was happy. Plus the in-laws are coming up Thursday for a weekend visit so he will score some more.
Which means they will be here for Mother's Day. Now I have to battle the grocery list. (Shudder) Wonder if I can just serve spaghetti the whole weekend?

Friday, May 1, 2009

My Brain Left So..

Okay, I got zilch. I'm having a hard time even focusing on the clock. Tossing out a few jokes cuz I think I may be on the verge of just saying something I really shouldn't.

Trust me, don't ask.

SCOTCH, MAYBE?
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy. "It's a puppy!!"


TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: 'K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is.
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Carl, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CARL : No, sir. It's the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher or a politician.



FAIRY TALE
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or *itch...(That would be me)
But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

The End