Ok, I'm still laughing from Kaye's comment. Rest assured they did not lay a hand on my chocolate.
Just to let you know, aunt flo did stop and I'm feeling much better. The lack of blog post was that our cable/Internet was shut off as well as our gas. Seems they get a tad ticked off when you get behind on paying them. Whatever.
I have never felt so lost before! The twitching finally stopped the other day. We had the cable and gas turned back on as those seem to be more of a priority for some people in this house. Hubs had to post date a check for the Internet yesterday.
It has been an interesting week. Lot of just what the heck is going on scenarios the whole time. 2 steps forward, 4 back. Hubs keeps saying we're close to a break through. It has just been stupid crazy. Ever have those times where you wonder, gosh could this be spiritual warfare? Well there has been no mistake about that!
Hope my 5 readers haven't given up and ran away. I have missed y'all so much!
I have found that my boys tend to trash the whole upstairs while I'm on the computer. They are Lego building geniuses but they can't seem to clean up worth a darn.
I took them to see Madagascar 2. I love the part where the penguins run over the old lady. It was showing for free so every now and then we go watch a freebie. About 10 kids plopped right in front of us and proceeded to act like a bunch of babies. I think they were 11 or 12, maybe 13.
I made eye contact with each of my boys and rolled my eyes. The behavior was horrible and I finally said, rather loudly, 'oh look, the 1st graders are having a field trip'. That got my boys snickering and a few dirty looks tossed our way.
Thankfully the movie started because I was about ready to oopsadently kick one of their chairs. For whatever reason, some of them were on the floor facing their friends taking pictures with their phones. The fact that they were in front of us and sitting lower caused the flash to blind us every.single.time.
After watching these kids I think I am more determined to pray for the rapture. Remember Whitney's song the children are our future? I may have to go make a sign the end is near or we're all doomed so repent while you can.
Yes, they were THAT bad.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Ok, I'm still laughing from Kaye's comment. Rest assured they did not lay a hand on my chocolate.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Should I apologize for that bad post? I'm thinking I should. It's posts like that that make me question why am I even blogging?
It has been a rather stressful day. I have waay too much to do. I want to get it done but my body is not cooperating. Leaves me frustrated. I think I just heard Kerri say duh!
So not feeling too hot which means I was down to the last nerve. As I've said before, that last nerve is a crusty old chick and therefore was in no mood to be messed with. Wouldn't you know it - J was all over that nerve. He thought maybe if he hugged it, it would cheer up. He thought wrong.
He pushed his limit all day. By dinner time I told him if he valued his life he would just shut up and eat. Apparently his life didn't rank high in the value department.
I am seriously lacking in the brain and functioning part. I know this has never stopped me before but I have just been blanking out lately. I promised Hubs I would go to bed at a somewhat normal time. I'm not exactly sure what that time is, but I guess he wants me to call it an early night.
On top of that there are no air conditioning units near any of the computers. I'm sensing a conspiracy.
Anyway, I'm going to crawl to bed. Hopefully my brain will show up sometime. It ran off with my chocolate. When it gets back it has some explaining to do.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Oh man this is bad. I had in my mind the whole evening what I was going to blog about. Yet here I sit - totally blanked out.
I was going to put with nothing going through my head, but why set myself up for a slam?
Which means I'm left all alone without a game plan. Not good. It's never a good idea to blog irresponsibly i.e. no game plan. Because then you get some of those post that y'all wonder if I'm medicated. I re-read them in the morning and asked myself what was I thinking? Did someone slip me something? I don't remember drinking anything. Yet there it is for all to see.
Thankfully only 5 people read this blog.
Rather than whine about my health or money - how about I whine about the weather? We all knew the world was going to hell in a hand basket (never understood that phrase) and now we have the weather to prove hell is here. There ya go, ladies and germs. No need to pack your bags, hell has arrived.
At least that is what my TV keeps telling me. Has anyone heard one scrap of good news from their TV lately? Bet it was a paid advertisement.
I'm almost glad I forgot to pay the bill and they pulled our cable. Almost. We missed The Closer though. Dagnabbit. I'll need to run in a give them money to appease them. It's too bad they aren't like me - I can shut me up with a bag of cookies. Why won't that work for bill companies?
Oh wait, that was whining about money. Hmm, what to type, what to type...
I can tell you that Hubs got in the air conditioning window units. Thank ya, Jesus! We now have three rooms that are nice and cool. One being our bedroom because I was about to go postal. Dude is like an oven and last night was just hot and sticky - in a bad way.
In other who cares news, the boys spent most of the day working on a song that Michael wrote. He's now working with N to help him with a melody. These guys have had no lessons whatsoever. I'm hoping it turns out. So far the lyrics are pretty deep.
Jared had us in stitches as he was able to squeak out songs. He hit a few notes that was pretty close to supersonic. Our new plan is to have him sit on the side porch and screech out warnings to all bats that are in the area. Either they get the threat and fly away or the frequency dude hits will cause them to fly into traffic to put themselves out of misery thus meeting their end.
When we told him of our plan, his eyes got the size of dinner plates and said no way was he going outside while they were flying around. I said I wouldn't lock the door on him. So far he's a no go.
Nicholas had to mow the lawn today. After looking at it I want to know if he did it with his eyes opened. Sheesh! But I will give him kudos because when first informed that he was to do this he used every ounce of control he owned to keep his lip buttoned up. I assured him the mild twitching would eventually subside. Some day he will be able to get over the inhumanity of having his day interrupted. Or not.
Hubs brought home some free strawberries. Oh they are yummy! Job they are working on had some crops come in. I am doing the happy dance. I'm going to try and make a pound cake and have strawberries over it.
I did say try as it's going to be hot and I have the endurance of a booger right now. I should take that back. Ever have one stick on your finger and it held one for dear life? Yeah, I'm not there, so I have the endurance of a....a....er....um, a person who has no endurance.
Brilliant I ain't right now.
The heat cooked my brain.
I did find out during my bible study that I'm a complete control freak. This actually came as a surprise to me. I can be laid back and sort of go with the flow, roll with the punches kind of gal and didn't really think I tried to control things. Yeah, seems I'm in denial pretty darn deep.
Suddenly all the wringing of the hands makes sense now. Although in my defense I wasn't always like this. I've just been kicked enough times to become a suspicious, unbelieving, paranoid person trying to fool myself that I have my little square all fixed up and as perfect as can be.
Turns out my very tiny little square is more like a cell room. And it's very cramped with all the unbelief. How did that get here? *sigh*
I was going to add more to this but I can't seem to concentrate as Jill has me all distracted. If I have a dream about black jelly beans chancing me into a flood of milk chocolate, I'll blame you. And then blog about it. Muwahahaha! Behold the power of the blog!
That only 5 people read.
Ok, so it's a mild version of power - but it's there, baby! Somewhere behind the dull roar of all the crickets chirping. I think. Either that or it's an old prune. I dunno but I'm not going to go look at it.
Wonder if I'll actually post this? Wonder if it'll make it the whole day? Wonder if I'll read this in the
afternoon morning and pull the plug? Wonder if I'll ever remember what I was going to blog about? I think I was going to get all deep on being a control freak but I have this feeling y'all already knew that about me and are rolling your eyes that I just now showed up to the party.
Good gravy! This is sad. Is this some sign of attention deficit or hey look a penny!
Sound of body being dragged away
Hey InterPeeps - it's me, the brain. I'm sorry but I had to take her out. This was really a bad post but there really isn't much going on between her ears lately. She'll be fine. I've got a stash of some new chocolate. It's that new Bliss chocolate but she keeps calling it Lover. Whatever that means. Milk chocolate with a creamy raspberry filling.
Oh look, she's already starting to come around. Better hop off and present her with a new bag. It'll only distract for a little bit so run while you still have the chance.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday turned into crazy day - again. I went to a bridal shower while the guys went to a grad party.
I had fun at the bridal shower. I was totally stumped on the cake game. You would think my love for all things sugary that I would have cleaned up. I only got 5 right out of 20. I am slacker hear me roar.
Or maybe I got lightheaded and I almost went crashing to the floor.
Once the buzzing in my ears stopped and I wasn't feeling a heartbeat in my eyelids, I headed out to the van, decided to cancel the rest of my plans, and headed back home. I was in my home and it was quiet and peaceful. Except horribly messy. I don't remember the last time I ran a dust rag. The cob webs are starting to fall down from all the dust clinging to it.
I looked around at what all I have neglected and what needed to be done.
Then I just sat down and let that feeling pass!
I also need to do some laundry. It's getting to a sad state. Looks like I may have to use the emergency stuff. You know where you have to wear the underwear you hate and that bra that rides up in all the wrong places so it's used for emergency purposes only? It's so bad you are even willing to for-go the drying part just so you can change out of them? Don't look at me all innocent like.
Hope y'all had a good Father's day. I did send out a card to my Dad. I did not include the letter. Kerri had made a good point that writing a letter opens a door to dialogue that could pull me into a debate. After I finished the letter, I decided she was right so I didn't include it. I did write in the card that I won't take the phone calls as there is nothing to say at this point. I said he should call his folks as this has been hard on them.
That was as non-snarky as I could get it.
We spent today just hanging out. Hubs took us to see Night at the Museum 2. Very good movie! Afterwards I was having some really bad cramps that I begged for them just to open the door and toss my butt out. They declined and drove me home instead.
Boys took their dad to get ice cream. How cute is that? They ran a few other errands so it was all good. While they were doing that, I managed to fall asleep for a few hours and woke up pain free. All in all, it was a good relaxing day.
And did I mention the movie was air conditioned?? Let us all pause and give thanks to God for the miracle of air conditioning. Might as well say a prayer that I would let go of air conditioning envy. I hear Tuesday it's suppose to be 90. I can hear my southern peeps cry out big baby - I won't even argue with you. Hubs is so putting in some window units tomorrow!
I did get a few emails that I think I'll respond to here.
Lot of questions regarding the whole aunt flo thing. Hubs has been taking some serious heat for the whole thing. I feel the need to defend him. No, we don't have insurance but about 7 years ago he shelled out well over $1,000 dollars out of pocket to send me to a few doctors and ran several tests. We got back zero answers and after trying all the suggestions I can say none of it worked.
On top of that, I have been in many a prayer line. Have since I was 14. I have been told everything from it's not God's will to heal me, to I don't have enough faith and everything in between.
One thing I have learned is that God doesn't always do things the way I think He should. While it would have been so nice for Him just to fix things up - He hasn't.
So before everyone slams Hubs, dude has tried everything he knows to do. We have covered this from many angles for many years. Neither one of us have ignore the situation. My folks had taken me to every known doctor for this and we were told no clue take the bc pills to try and control it. We've done everything we know to do.
I also took some heat for not going forward to get prayed for Saturday. I didn't go for a few reasons. 1) I couldn't even stand the whole time for praise and worship. 2) while I have no problem saying what I'm going through ON MY BLOG I really didn't want to have everyone hear that while getting prayer. I'm sort of weird like that. I sometimes have a hard time opening up when face to face. 3) I've been in enough prayer lines. It hasn't been for a lack of praying or a lack of faith. It's not that I didn't trust the guy praying. I've been down this road before. I've had friends turn on me when their prayers didn't get answered on my behalf.
Makes me very leery on several levels. I've heard way too many times if I just had more faith...
I know several people are praying for me. I think the challenge is finding out what course God wants me to take. The hard part about that is there is too much going on to just sit and hear His voice. Something I hope to accomplish shortly. I'm not saying I couldn't be totally healed tomorrow. I'm just saying I've dealt with this since I was 14. Been there, done that.
I know y'all are concern and I appreciate that. There was just some harsh words concerning Hubs and in all fairness to him, why should he send me back to professionals that will take our money and give us no solutions in return?
No way do I want a hysterectomy. My Mom had one in her early 40s. After taking estrogen shots, years later she ended up with colon cancer. Her doctor told her the shots set her up for cancer. So one doc's solution only sets you up for another doctor. No thanks.
So this leaves the grin and bear it plan - suck it up and keep going. Cry in my cheerios and pretend it's all good in the hood.
Friday, June 19, 2009
That's as close to a warning as you're going to get. Don't say I didn't warn you. I've been known to do too much information.
Yeah, I'm late with my blog post. What can I say? I'm a bit tired. Last night I vegged out watching a movie and stumbled off to bed.
This morning, aunt flo decided to try for the exorcist part by spewing forth her stuff, thus leaving our bed looking like a major crime scene. Thank goodness Hubs had already left for work. There's some love for ya. Do you promise to take this woman in sickness and in health? And we stress the sickness part, especially mental.
This whole thing is just frustrating. Not much can be done. Which really sucks because it's not like you can do what the TV shows tell you to do during a major dramatic part. 'Sir, put your hand here and apply pressure'. That's just all kinds of wrong.
So my sheets are currently in the dryer while I've had to change my clothes - twice. It's not even noon yet. I thought of beating myself unconscious but stopped when I thought of the mess I would wake up to.
In a sad attempt to stay positive, I thought I would think on something else. Like the suicide bat.
I'm so frustrated because I just know I wrote that down. I even cracked myself up. But I can't find it. I think I may have sent that one out as an email to my cousin. I do remember her telling me that she was both freaked out but laughed so hard she wet herself.
Seems to be a family thing.
Geez, could you imagine that on a coat of arms? 'Sir Hector, you spilled something as there seems to be a rather large spot of rust on your armor.' 'No, that's just the pee spot. I come from a long line of people with orifice leakage issues. But surprisingly we all seem to make it to court jester as whatever dribbles out of our mouths more than makes up for it. Adds to our charm and humor.'
Such a proud family heritage.
I'm starting to think that May-June is some goofy bat matting season as we seem to have the bat issues right around this time every year. Last year we had our side door open to let in the cool evening breeze through the screen door. We can only open this door because the other side goes to the dog's area (the other victim in my parents stupidity) and allows the strong smell of poo to crawl in and slap my nose.
I'm not a fan of poo smell. This is one of the reasons I'm not an animal person. And she's a big dog. I've seen a pile of golf ball sized.... Anyway, the screen doors to this place don't exactly fit. There is a bit of a gap.
As it would be that fateful evening, I was roasting and had the door open with all fans on deck at high speed. I had kept hearing this click, click noise. I live with 4 guys so I tend to try and block out as much as possible. Hubs and I were getting ready to head to bed, when I happened to notice this fuzzy black ball climbing up the brick wall.
Being the adult that I am, I pointed and screamed like my inner 2 year old demanded.
The only thing that we could come up with was this bat had not been able to find a mate. He couldn't bare to face his family knowing that he struck out again. So he flattened himself to make it through the space by the screened door and then tried to find the best place to make sure to been seen, thus meeting his death with as much bravery as he could muster.
What? It's not like he can write a suicide note. And for him to come into my house surely he was suicidal.
Noticing he had been spotted, he decided it was best to pretend to be normal rather than flop on the floor and asked to make it quick.
There I was, holding a wooden spoon up over my head as all my startled brain could come up with was that vampires don't like wood. Hubs had the broom and took several swings all while saying things I'm unable to repeat at this time.
But for some reason, all my screaming seemed to have snapped the bat back into reality and he decided why yes, I do want to live after all. Either that or the pitch I was hitting gave him a headache so he swooped for me to get me to shut up. Too bad he didn't realize this would only make the noise louder.
When the broom finally connected with it, I was cheering. Never had a disgusting noise sounded so nice. And because I actually said that out loud, my guys have decided I'm a rather cool mom. Even if I scream like a little girl.
This is no way near as funny as my email but it'll have to do. Such a let down. At least tell me someone sprayed their computer screen with some type of beverage. Anyone?? Am I the only one sitting in a soggy mess? It's just me, isn't it? Dagnabbit. Misery loves company and all the rot.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I'm running a bit ragged. Old auntie flo has reared her ugly head again. I can tell I'm doing too much - pushing myself. Too much to do. On top of that, I am seriously behind on the bible study I'm doing. Looks like I will be up late just not blog writing. Maybe that's a good thing.
So tossing out some jokes...
Perks of reaching 50, or being over 60, and heading toward 70!
1. Kidnappers are not interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere!
4. People call at 9 pm asking, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live "Without IT" but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe because your friends can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "
Jacob: " Medicine for rheumatism?"
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
PANTS AND PANTIES
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here,you try on mine.'
Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-a$$ attitude, you never will.'
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I think I want to move back to the country. What is the deal with the stinking critters??? Especially the bats. I should be a good blogger and link to the stories I've blogged but where is the fun in that? I thought for sure I had blogged about the suicidal bat but I've spent half and hour going through old posts and can't find it. All I could find was this one.
One thing I noticed while going through old posts, most of them starts off that things have been crazy busy. I seem to spend most of my time in a mad dash to get something accomplished. Interesting. I seem to have a crazy life. This is starting to explain the twitches but not the swearing. I'll need to investigate that more but at a later date.
But I digress. As usual.
Last night, as I was writing my usual drivel, I kept thinking a bug was flying around my head. Turns out it was a shadow from a bat that was flying all over the place. Our theory is it snuck in while we were bringing in groceries. It's possible as this has happened before.
I was getting ready to turn off the computer when the stupid thing decided to swoop down right over my head. Proving why I don't keep a cuss jar, I myself flew out of the room only to be followed. For a fat chick, I can move when properly motivated. I was trucking to get Hubs, a.k.a. Bat-slayer.
Woke up the entire house as I made no attempt to be stealthful. Go ahead and mock me just someone please kill that thing.
Hubs has a wooden sword as well as a real one. The boys had all tried to get him to hit a bat with a real sword. I said no way - very forcefully. Tossed in a few good swear words to boot to show I meant business.
It's actually harder as it's a smaller surface verses a broom is wider blah, blah, blah. Hubs takes 2 steps down the stairs when that thing came flying right at him. Being the Bat-slayer that he is, pulled a rather cool Samurai moved and sword chopped the thing in mid-air. Then proceeded to crush the life right out of it.
All while I was at the top of the stairs telling the thing to head towards the light, give up the ghost, die already.
I was told I wasn't helping.
I'm sorry but I hate those things. And I don't care if his name was Edward either. Talk to me when you've been startled awake in the middle of the night several times by the winged creature and lets see how much you like it.
Ick, ick, and double ick!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Mah dogs are a barking. This was a crazy day - again. Crazy seems to be the theme for June.
Right now my arms feel like jello. I can barely keep them upright.
Went to a home school used book sale. Oh mah word. Wall to wall people and it was hot too. I wasn't even down the first row and I started smelling like a yak. I'm just glad my ride didn't say you're walking home, stinky.
I think the funniest thing I saw the whole day was when this Mennonite lady, all decked out in her garb, had to reach into her satchel to answer her cell phone. For some reason, this cracked me up. Amish woman with a cell phone.
Clearly, I have yet to grow up.
I prayed my brains out before I went and during. There were a few moments of panic as it was rather overwhelming. I had gone through all the catalogs and had some things marked and stuff in mind. But my game plan was all torn to shreds and did not have a clue what to do. Was just feeling eh and I had been praying about the whole school stuff.
Well, I've been feeling eh in a lot of areas but that's not quite the topic. I've noticed God has been upsetting all my apple carts.
I've come across several sources that has been challenging my approach to schooling and what to teach when. Never really thought of doing it that way. So I've been praying.
Felt like God asked me if I didn't have to worry about meeting requirements and taking all the pressure off, how would I do things different. Before I could even think, I rattled off several things. Which surprised me as I haven't even thought about it before let alone voice it.
I bought some stuff today that a few months ago I wouldn't have bothered, thinking they were not ready for it and some stuff thinking they were beyond it. I had walked away a few times only to feel that tug, so I circled back around.
I kept seeing this one science book. First time it jumped out at me, the price was $20. Passed up on it thinking they weren't ready for it and the price was too high. Saw it again later for $10. Still didn't think it was for them.
God had to get creative at this point.
Some lady had a huge stack of scrapbook paper in a bag for $3. I about plowed several people over to get it. Right next to that table was the same science book I kept passing up - for $7.
Ok, ok, I'll get the book.
*Sigh* I'm such a stubborn mule sometimes. Because I'm still sitting here with a we'll see attitude.
But the cool thing - I didn't spend a lot of money.
Hubs had cashed in all the loose change that was floating around here and it came to a little over 100 dollars. God provided. Matter of fact, the blessing was in the fragments. This was sitting around and just came together right when I needed it. I didn't even spend it all. Truly a miracle.
I type this and am, yet again, so amazed at God bailing my butt out. For a believer, I certainly seem to swan dive into a lot of unbelief. I get right up the edge of something, look at it, stick my little toes in it, and go screaming in the other direction only to find myself wading in a pool of unbelief. Who put that there? How soon do I have to get out of it? When I start believing???
Houston, we have a problem.
Here I am. I had prayed over what to get. Knew in my knower, God was telling me to pick some stuff up. I had shut my brain off and told God just tell me what to get. Got the stuff, and then was surprised that this just.might.work.
I so feel like Homer Simpson right about now. "I am so smart. I am so smart. S-m-a, uh, art. I am so smart."
So after all that, I had managed to pull a miracle and get a grocery list done. Hubs got paid a day early so we headed out the door. Whee. It was either now or the end of the week and we couldn't go that long.
I guess I sort of overdid it. Aunt flo has tried to flare up a few times. Crusty old broad. I am no where near recovered and certainly don't want to anger her. Oh my gosh, my Mom is a uterus. A cranky, whacked out, balloon of hormones. Suddenly it all makes sense now.
Wha? I didn't call her Cruella. I was just making an observation. Big difference.
I even further amazed myself. Bought my Dad a Father's day card. I went for the funny one. Big surprise there. I think I've managed to re-edit my letter to him close to 40 times. I have less and less angst each time. I guess that's progress.
I think I am going to crawl up the stairs and fall into bed.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Ever been on a roller coaster and they say welcome back riders? I sort of feel that life is like that lately.
Another crazy weekend done, one more to go. I hope.
While running around, the randomness of the conversation was interesting. It's like we have attention conversation disorder or something.
I was telling Hubs that Babs was well received on my last blog post.
Me: "I wish I could have like a wig party."
M: "Like a Mary Kay party only for wigs?"
Me: "Yes. Different styles and colors for a woman to look at before she buys it etc. The coloring is the hardest to pick out and then once you get it, it's a bit overwhelming until you figure out how to style it. How cool would it be to have a wig party?"
Hubs: "That would be a good idea but you would have to have a lot of inventory and that would be expensive."
M: "What would you call it? Mary Wig instead of Mary Kay?"
Me: "Um, no."
N: "Wouldn't that be gross to try on wigs that someone else tried on?"
Me: "I would wash it. How many times do you guys freak when Babs is soaking in the sink?"
J: "Oh it's not just when Babs is in there, it's all your 'stuff'. Why do you have to wash things where we can see them? I don't understand the soaking part."
Me: "Because the laundry fairy is a total slacker and I'm stuck doing it all."
Me: "You have to read the label on clothes. Some clothes called to be hand washed."
J: "Well that's your problem. Stop buying clothes that are hand washed."
Hubs: "Dude, you just broke one of those rules I told you about."
Me: arching my eyebrow of oh really. "What using the phrase stop buying clothes?"
Hubs: "Something like that."
There was a lull in the conversation while sitting at a stoplight, when a septic tank turned right in front of us.
Me: "Eww. Make sure to give that thing extra room."
M asked, "Is that a poop truck?"
N said, "What a load of crap!"
I was too busy laughing to notice if anyone else was too.
J: "What a crappy thing to say."
At that moment Nicholas let out the biggest sneeze. I think he may have lost some brain matter on this. His eyes have been watering like crazy. Saturday night he woke up about 2 seconds before he barfed all over the place. And I mean hosed the wall down. We, as in Hubs, had to pull the bed apart just to get to it to clean it up.
This was about 2 am.
While talking with him, I think the drainage is going down his throat causing him to gag. Whatever the cause, I told him this is the second time in the last few months and if he did it again he would help clean it up.
Such a loving mother I am. Paybacks for getting jilted on Mother's day. Well, I have to take that back. The boys got the most ooey, gooey mushy Mother's day cards and were all very accurate. And all three were pink cards.
Is it wrong that I made them watch a DVD on the local home school convention we missed? Forced them to sit there and listen as the guy said that anything that is of value is going to be hard work and it sort of made them feel guilty so they starting giving me all kinds of complements? That's not wrong, right? Anybody???
Guilt - it's what's for dinner. At least that's what my parents served. I'm going with sarcasm hoping it's less damaging.
And in another more point of randomness, the next door crack house has just been a crazy place lately. Ever since we've moved in here there has never been a dull, or quiet, moment from the many tenants that occupy next door.
I liked it better when it sat empty.
A few weeks ago a bunch of cops were there and suddenly all the kids were gone. Not sure what the deal was with that. There was a bunch of yelling the night before really late. Next day cops were there all day, the day after that a few state vehicles were there packing up clothes and toys.
It was quiet for a couple weeks. But it looks like whoever is back now.
Just got a few grey hairs added to the mix. I was typing this and heard a bunch of doors slamming and some yelling. I was going out to the kitchen to get some water when our driveway light clicked on. Nothing like getting a bit of a jolt.
I think I may have wet myself.
At least I re-thought the water.
After straining to look out our windows but tried not to be obvious about it, nothing to report. It was probably the stray cat I've seen lately.
Sort of got a bunch of bad news this week. My friend, who I had found out last year had cancer just found out, after a very short remission, that it's back and it's in her liver and her bones. She has 8 kids. She's asking for prayer - for her family only. They were planning on coming out next week but her dad just died. Just at a loss for words about the whole thing.
The baby shower I went to - mommy-to-be is on bed rest having some issues.
My FIL was in the ER from what they thought was a heart attack. Thankfully, that's not the case but he had a pinched nerve in his shoulder causing the arm to go numb and his heartbeat is off again.
And my best friend who I've known for 20 years is about to go through a divorce. I feel bad to be relieved she's kicking the jerk to the curb. If ever I wish I could rewind life and do something different - that is one of the top 10 things.
We were going down memory lane. She kept bringing it up how long we've known each other. I love to point out that I was 15 and she was 19. You can so tell I'm so not the mature one of this friendship.
So, it's been a weird week. Anyone having the case of the weirdness?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Ladies, and gentlemen, meet Babbette.
Me: "You said you had prep work in wig school?"
Me: "No, no you don't."
No way will I show you a before Babs picture. These pictures really don't do Babs justice.
Right when I went to take this picture, I looked up and saw what J was doing and I started cracking up laughing.
He's trying to force choke me. Hee-larious.
Babs: "Do you see what I have to put up with? No respect."
Me: "Oh you do from me, sweetie! To quote the boys, All Hail The Babs!"
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Well, dang y’all. The public has spoken. Not one comment and I got a few interesting emails. It’s the turd that did you in wasn’t it? Say no more. I will try and stop with all the crap.
I couldn’t resist.
It has just been a bit hard to keep things in perspective when I haven't been feeling very well. Finally got aunt flo down to just spots. I'm slathering the cream, I'm popping iron like tic tacs, then I'm having to take other stuff for those issues. Did I mention I would stop with the crap?
I've just been such a peach to be around.
Cue crickets chirping
I will say that I appreciated my brotha from anotha motha having his better half give me a call. Now you have to promise not to be mad at her when you get the phone bill. Just saying.
We did get to laughing about a few things but mainly my crappy attitude. I told her I think my Husband is some sort of saint. Foul mood? Oh believe me my Inter-peeps that was the understatement of the year. He sat there and just smiled at me and told me how much he loves me and said we’ll be okay all while I snarled at him and pretty much said bite me.
He did crack me up, he finally had all of me he could stand and went outside and fixed up the side porch. That sorry thing has been in some sad shape. We’ve been discussing taking down the juggle gym thing that no one has been on in over two years. The fact that I made dear Hubby move it from our old place because the boys had a total melt down over it has not gone overlooked.
My brilliant plan was to take her down and use the wood to do whatever, like fix the side porch. This spared me further hairy eyeballs of angst.
Sooo dude took down the juggle gym and is out there fixing up the porch. Oh happy day. Except the main thing I said needs his immediate attention like TODAY – that hasn’t been done. Nor will it get done. I think he may be working the rest of the week (thank you Jesus) but now means he won’t have time to deal with the one thing that needs him to deal with it (pray for him).
"Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave." (Skipper, from Madagascar)
Am I the only one female that deals with this? Thank you for taking care of this menace that we’ve suffered with for a couple of years BUT
you sorry sack you so neglected this part that I freakin told you several hundred times needed to be dealt with like two weeks ago today. The angry phone call stage of needing to be dealt with right now stage.
But he loves me. And I seriously have no clue as to why.
Seems like a bunch of us haven't been in the best moods lately. But no one can put their finger on it. Strange epidemic.
I got this email joke and it cracked me up. I'm in the process of working on a letter going out to my Dad for Father's Day. Maybe that explains the foul mood?
But with my family? I thought this was hilarious.
ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN:
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Yo, whatsup? This is Joanna's attitude. Her brain ran out of here like a screaming banshee. I think she was chained to the washing machine, and was using a broom handle to cram in the clothes, all while mutter some form of yiddish or gibberish.
Never a good sign.
She may claim the brain is the, um, brains of this operation but don't be fooled. It's really me - the attitude. The true diva on this train wreck.
I can make or break her. Crap happens but whether it affects her depends on her attitude. If she has a bad attitude then, of course, this is just another turd in the toilet bowl of life. If it's a good attitude then golly, gosh, gee what another wonderful opportunity to grow and....
Sorry about that. That was giving me a headache.
Care to guess which one I got going on right now?
Did someone just flushed my toilet bowl of a life? Because this will cause a dilemma as I'll have to ask myself the question...do I hang on to the turd to possibly save my life, or no way am I getting covered in poo? But if I don't hang on will I get the poo beat out of me?
I bet right about now you're asking yourself why you read this blog.
Hubs did ask why the comments have been so low lately. I said with my charming personality, short, to the point, and fine grammar skills, you would think the comments would line up by the dozen. He wisely backed away from me, not exposing his backside to my bared teeth.
Attitude problem? What problem? It's totally crap-pay. I don't see this as being a problem.
Been praying about what all to get for the boys' school stuff for next year. I've already had to miss a couple sales. Not helping with the attitude issues. Normally, I would get all excited as I pull out my trusty pen. I read, I mark, I write things down all in the hopes that I'll find something that will spark my children's interest and propel them onward to whatever it is they're suppose to be.
I then add up the cost. Kill the music, reality just showed up. And I really wish it would leave the steeled toed boots at home for a change.
Then I get really cynical. Shocked, aren't you? I can tell. Who would have thought I had moments of being a downer? Cuz we all know I'm such an optimist.
Pause for sarcasm to sink in.
Anyway, that cynical, life sucks part, went into full rant about what difference does it make cuz it doesn't matter what I buy, their attitude still sucks about the whole thing called school and work.
Gosh, I don't know where they got this horrible attitude from. This is almost as bad as that episode we had with the stupid cloud hovering around for weeks.
Once I've had the, O God, is that Your final answer? session, I can pull out the catalogues and start looking again. Fighting off feeling overwhelmed, the ohmahgosh-itis we have to have this trys to take over. Goodness knows I'm trying really hard to have them prove to everyone I wasn't insane for doing this but they are bucking my system.
The trouble is the moolay. I feel like a broken record. A broken record in over her head. It's usually right now I have someone say, 'yes, but money doesn't buy happiness'. Wanna bet?
I've been thinking about the boys and their future. How I want them to be so much smarter than I am and make better choices.
I think about how I've had to learn to stand on my own, and to learn to pick myself up after I've fallen flat on my face. The choices were mine to make, the triumphs were mine to relish in, and the sting of defeat was mine to bear.
I feel like I'm holding my breath, waiting to see how they will turn out. You would think I would have passed out long before now. Which means I'm spending the right nows - gasp! - worrying about tomorrow.
If I had a penny for all the things I find myself worrying about....
I also think that all that worrying is playing right into the bad attitude. Wonder if I can get away with calling myself BA like on the A-Team?
Geez I just looked at the clock. It's 4 am. Hopefully tomorrow when I re-read this I won't freak out. I have a way of thinking this is good and then see all the mistakes the next day in the glare of clarity. And sunshine.
Wha? Hubs will be here tomorrow? I can only guess what attitude I'll be sporting.
Monday, June 8, 2009
One whirlwind week down, two to go.
I didn't have a meltdown at the baby shower so this is progress. Apparently, I owe Jubilee an apology for reminding her of baby bliss. Misery loves company, mah dear!
I did manage to come sliding into church a bit dazed and confused afterwards. We're doing a Saturday night thing so for the next few weeks after showers and grad parties we have church. It is messing with my head.
I had stopped in at McD's (cuz it was just me) and grabbed a snack. Inhaled it on the way to church, as I was going to meet up with my guys. But when I pulled in, some SUV had been following me and sat sort near me. I didn't pay it any attention as I was finished up and trying to hide the evidence of it.
I'm real classy like that.
I was getting ready to get out of the van, when it suddenly dawned on me that this person did not park but was just sitting there. I couldn't really see the driver too well but it didn't look like anyone I recognized. When I undid my seat belt, the driver gunned it and did a turn around and pulled out of the church parking lot.
I'm still too busy trying to conserve energy, so I tried to stop thinking. I was in the weirdest fog too. That can never be a good combination.
Since I decided to slather progesterone cream all over me, I think aunt flo is starting to slow down. It's only been a month. Not like I was counting.
I had people ask how I was doing. I always feel like that is a loaded question. Do you REALLY want to know how I'm doing, or are you just asking to be polite? If you REALLY want to know, you may need to get comfy as I'm long winded.
I never know so just go with the polite, oh, I'm doing fine. Liar, liar, starts ringing in my head. Or maybe that's just the blood loss, but I do hear some sort of ringing.
But I can tell this is making my thinking fuzzy. How else can you explain why I played several rounds of SORRY with J this afternoon? When he pulled out another game, I looked at Hubs and said your turn.
I finished reading a book and took it easy today. Feel like I need several more of those. So here I sit with not much to report, or blog about, or come up with anything witty to say.
I'm sure the shock of that statement will tide you over for a while.
Friday, June 5, 2009
We are only 5 days into the month of June. Thankfully my kids have been very creative on keeping themselves occupied. I almost feel sorry for them. Almost.
I may be using the 'I'm on a period that is lasting for-stinking-ever, so anger me and you will feel the wrath' routine a smidge too much. Actually that isn't true. I haven't had the energy to pull off anger, and they aren't pushing it either, so it's been rather quiet.
Unless you count the sound of Legos getting sorted. You know the sound. The large amounts of Legos getting dumped on the floor and then getting shoved around as they look for a piece that's the size of a booger sound. That sound. Lots of rooting around going on.
For whatever reason, N has decided that the Legos needed to be organized. Do tell. M wanted to build with them rather than gasp put them away. J, sensing that work may be required, made sure to be somewhere else.
It's weird because this is what they were doing when they were little only it was Mr. Potato Head pieces.
Michael always had to have Mr. Potato Head just so. Eyes had to be in the right spot as well as ears, nose etc. Nicholas would wait until his brother had to go to the bathroom and then would take M's potato head and rearrange it. Put the nose on top of the head, use an ear for the mouth etc.
Care to guess who he got that sick and twisted gene from?
M would come out, see his violated potato, and freak out over the inhumanity of it all. It didn't help that N would be on the floor laughing his butt off.
I think that was what our first year of marriage was like. Hubs had to have things just so and I would go around and mess with things, then laugh my butt off when the dude would get this crazy-eyed look on his face.
And God gave us a scenario that played out before our eyes - day in and day out. There has been much repenting in the land but it seems like this stuff is genetic and there is no getting around it. Can't even scrub it off. Goodness knows I've tried.
Lately I've been painfully aware that my mannerism and facial expressions are very much like my Mom. Mom always talks with her hands. Hubby says if you tie my hands together I would suffocate. I gave him a church finger because I didn't care to send the best.
The older I get, I'm looking more like my Mom. I find this rather depressing. Toss in mimicking her hand gestures doesn't help. I seem to have this habit of mimicking other people's mannerisms. I don't purposely do it, I just find myself doing it and wonder when did that start?
I was going to have a point to all of this but it just completely slipped my mind.
I was thinking about my Mom and about the whole deal with her wedding ring. When I looked at my wedding ring, I noticed a prong is not where it is suppose to be. It's slightly twisted, much like it's owner. Totally panicked. Hubs reassured me several times it still has a good hold on the diamond and is wasn't loose. I know we can't do anything about it right now but this really bummed me out. I just cleaned it last week and it was fine. Top it off with the exposure to baby bliss and just all kinds of emotions have been going on here.
There may only be one female in this house but I make up for it.
Jared cracked me up tonight. We missed the Man verses Wild with Will Ferrel. (Don't even get me started on that show and I much I hate it.) They replayed it tonight so we watched it.
I was sitting on one of the love seats with a blanket. J decided that he wanted this blanket as well. As he was climbing on me, he asked if we could snuggle. He was all snuggled up next to me when he jumped off the couch, with the blanket I might add, and exclaimed, "You're not going to bleed on me are you?!"
I started laughing. Ever notice this can make it worse? Because I have issues, I said you just never know as I snatched back the blanket. Dude decided that blanket was worth it but made sure to have a pillow barrier between the two of us.
It's not every day I can gross out a boy.
Which I don't get because he was my spotter, which is he'll watch the show while I had my eyes closed. Will totally made it for me. Thankfully all they did was eat a deer eyeball or eye socket. I wouldn't know I was under the blanket by that point. Yuck!
And I'm taking heat for a possible leak? You got to be kidding me.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The title will sort of make sense. Or not. This stuff just tumbles out of my head at the whee hours and really should explain why I have so many darn typos.
I had to go do some baby shower shopping this evening. Just me and Hubby. Walking up and down row after wonderful row of baby blissdom.
I think my husband could smell the estrogen - and ran like hell.
I did manage to keep him around as the bra section was next to the baby section. How convenient. Wear one of these little numbers so you can shop in this department a few months from now.
Can not believe all the cool baby products that are now out. Where was this stuff when I had babies? Got the cutest blanket. Just wrap that baby goodness in some sugar and eat it with a spoon. Then Anna had a new picture of her little bundle of goodness.
Then I slapped myself repeatedly and said get thee behind me satan.
With as whacked out as my uterus has been, I'm thinking that would be a big n-o. But then I panic and think would God really pull the surprise you're 40 - with child on me? He usually talks to me in sarcasm and that would be funny as all get out - if it were someone else.
Suddenly I feel this intense urge to start saying hail Mary prayers and I have no clue what that means. How about the fact that I would laugh like crazy if it were to happen to someone else but I would cry bucket of tears if it were to happen to me?
Such a shallow pool I am.
Wow! I think the blood loss is starting to mess with my head. I'm already at the paranoid stage. To add insult to injury this is causing me to be paler than normal. As if I wasn't pigment challenged enough, less go a few quarts low. I rolled out of bed this morning and was startled by my reflection. The dark circles, the pale lips, and the pasty all over look. I was so not working it today.
I wonder if I may be part vampire. If I wanted to do the whole goth look think of the money I would save as I'm already pale white. Of course the freckles do sort of kill that look. Oh yes and I do have a functional brain that says that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
I find the piercing stuff to be the most disturbing part. I've seen guys that have these spacers in their ears that causes me to totally freak out. As in grab my earlobes and run for the nearest exit screaming lalalala. Which begs the question - who's the freak now?
I was driving home earlier today and while I'm at a stop sign, a guy with all kinds of piercings and what have you makes all kinds of hubba hubba looks - at me. Listen junior, I'm not a cougar so go play in traffic. Was so creeped out by him, I gave him the eye roll to end all eye rolls and I watch his deflated little ego shrink lower in his redneck truck as he pulled away.
What can I say? Vampire look is hawt right now.
Except when it's on me. Then it's more like eewww.
I was telling Hubs this while I looked at his golden goodness next to my paleness. I told him if he starting singing ebony and ivory I would beat him in his sleep. That earned me a laugh. Then I tormented him with all the baby goodness. And he keeps coming back for more. Muwahaha!
But we had a nice time just the two of us. At least until we went to check out then reality was soon upon us. I noticed what I would like to do and what I can do are very far away from each other. I'm now praying these people will hold true to 'it's the thought that counts'.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I really should put some type of warning, but if you've read more than two posts of mine you should know by now that you read at your own risk.
Like I said yesterday - I've been having some issues with aunt flo.
Went to wally world and what did my eyes land on? The new Always overnight pad. Didn't think too much of it until drum roll....I pulled one out and put it on. (Yes, after I paid for it. I just know a few of you smart arse people would think this. This is why you are my peeps, btw.)
Holy big Bertha of a pad, Batman! Or more accurately holy I'll have a full night's sleep, Batman! This sucker is the mother load. Full crack coverage - no matter how big your crack may be. It was quad folded. The thing has double wings. I still can't believe it. I sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out how to put the bad boy on and secured all four wings. I felt like I had achieved some major accomplishment.
Finally a pad for the fatso that bleeds like a stuck pig. You skinny girls probably shouldn't try this. You may take off like a 747 if you walk by a fan, or any sudden air flow like a breeze, or a sneeze. Just don't blame me if you go air born.
I'm thinking this sucker could do all kinds of stuff besides flying your favorite skinny friend. Although that does give a whole new meaning to being fun sized. But the possibilities are endless:
Clogged drain? Toss in this sucker in and watch it suck up all the water that won't go down the drain.
Child having a hard time swimming in the pool? Toss in this lifeboat and it will suck up most of the water so the kid can touch the bottom.
Mobster tight on cash and can't afford cement for some new shoes? The adhesive on this thing will stick to your intended victim and will drag them down to the bottom once it's waterlogged.
I can't help it - this is how my mind works. Just be glad yours works normally.
This was worth the 6.67 (why that number?) for 20 pads. Finally, a full night's sleep that won't require me to do the shift-the-position-before-you-leak dance, or to stumble into doors as I need to change the whole lower half of me dance.
Thank you Always! I have always (wink) used you and will continue to do so. Yes, I've heard the rumors that you serve the devil, but this product makes me say no way. No way would the devil let you invent something so useful.
And now...off to sleep - through the whole night.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
So here I sit, very late on a Tuesday, with no blog post to show for it. My head is pounding. Last night it was pounding so I took two Tylenol PM and went to bed. No blogging just hoping for sweet relief from the pain. Only to be jerked awake in the middle of the night with hey doofus you need to change your pad.
Aunt flo needs to go. Seriously. This is like week 4 or something. I can't remember. No, not going to doctor cuz all they want to do is put me on bc pills which brings out my inner Cruella - all 3 of them. Besides if I don't pay our cable I'm offline for a while. Doctor who wants to turn me into Cruella or cable so I can whine about it? No brainer - cable! I'm not that desperate for blog fodder.
Anyhoo, stumbling to the the bathroom with some sleep meds in my system to change underwear and pad? Priceless. I was a show in and of itself. But from what I've hear, the commentary I came up with was just stinking hil-arious.
I wouldn't know. I don't remember it!! I do have a bruise on the side of my arm from crashing into the door. I remember that part.
Judging from Hubs laughter we're still married, so that is good. Everything else is negotiable.
And really I need him to laugh at me, with me, just as long as he's laughing. This weekend I
demanded asked him to take care of the ivy that was covering a window.
We've had some ivy issues. When we first moved in, ivy was covering one side of the house. While it looks charming - old brick house covered with green ivy - it was destroying some of the grout work and had made it's way through two windows.
Hubs said the stuff had been there since the war - and you can take your pick which war as the house is that old. He did the Batman climb up the side of the house then did the Tarzan swing and landed right in front of me. He leaned over to help pick my jaw off the ground and said I dropped something. Comedian.
He thought my reaction was funny until he discovered the next day that some of the ivy was poison ivy. (In my defense I never said one word but he claims my eyes said it all. Whatever.)
So guess who has poison ivy, again, all over his arms. All over his golden god colored arms. I find it rather disgusting just how brown the man gets all while sitting near a light bulb verses my pale butt has to use several bottles of sunless tanning just to get near his winter color.
The summer we got engaged, he was working an outside construction job. He was buff and was so dark his eyes looked bright green. He didn't even finish will you marry me and I was take me I'm yours.
Wow. I totally lost my train of thought just remembering how good he looked. Not to say he doesn't look good now but hey we've been married almost 15 years. He still misses my long hair. I told him I'm totally game if he wants to buy a longer Babbette.
I have to laugh because the whole subject of Babs cracks me up. She has more fan mail than I do and I don't even have fan mail. I've had so many questions about it I may have to do a blog post all about the Babs.
Talk about your kill joy. The boys just reminded me that we're going grocery shopping and I haven't finished my list. You can tell it's all about the food at our place.
We so have issues.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Okay, this is sad. I've sat here for over an hour trying to come up with a blog post and it just cries out to be deleted.
How I spent my weekend - doing laundry, going through and shifting the boys' seasonal clothes.
Since it's Monday, I think I'll just toss out some jokes instead.
As usually, thanks Margie!
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' Looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and -BOOM- he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'DANG......Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this story? Don't mess with the old FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
An elderly man in West Ohio had owned a large farm for several years with a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.