In The Name of Funny, Poor Taste, And I Got Nothing Else

Since I'm now stuck with a mountain of mess from all the scrapbook stuff, thought I would just post some jokes.

A STORY OF A NUN (thank you Margie)
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.' She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO.'

The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.' She sat back down. From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'This is incredible, I've got to try this again.'

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.'

Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself, 'I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again.' She went back to the machine, put in another nickel and another card came out. It read, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO'


LEMON SQUEEZE
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

LOOKS OF DISAPPOINTMENT
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

CATHOLIC DOG
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can.'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

SENILITY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:
God is like ~ BAYER ASPIRIN, He works miracles.
God is like ~ a FORD, He's got a better idea.
God is like ~ COKE, He's the real thing.
God is like ~ HALLMARK CARDS, He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like ~ TIDE, He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like ~ GENERAL ELECTRIC, He brings good things to life.
God is like ~ SEARS, He has everything.
God is like ~ ALKA-SELTZER, try Him, you'll like Him.
God is like ~ SCOTCH TAPE, you can't see Him, but you know He's there.
God is like ~ DELTA, He's ready when you are.
God is like ~ ALLSTATE, you're in good hands with Him.
God is like ~ VO-5 Hair Spray, He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like ~ DIAL SOAP, aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
God is like ~ the U.S. POST OFFICE, neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
God is like ~ CHEVROLET, the heart beat of America.
God is like ~ MAXWELL HOUSE, good to the very last drop.
God is like ~ BOUNTY, He is the quicker picker upper, can handle the tough jobs, and He won't fall apart on you.