Wednesday, August 5, 2009

For Your Amusement

I know you've been wondering about my bowels. It's not like I don't appreciate your concern but that's just rather gross. Since we both know you would rather not know that information, and my brain isn't totally functioning right now, have fun with some jokes.

These are hopefully non-offending jokes. I guess late time I posted some it pissed people off. My apologies - the whole reason for posting jokes was to get you to laugh, not to upset you. There seems so few things to laugh about that I try to make the effort. Otherwise the snarling thing known as my attitude comes out to scare little children and the public.

So without further adieu... (and again thanks Margie - you're the best!!)

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..


ARE YOU HAVING A BAD DAY?
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.


A postmortem revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it.

One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific; the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading....

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdes oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.

At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you're having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Still think you' re having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??

An Iraqi terrorist didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better? There's always chocolate.

3 comments:

Kerri said...

OH MY GOSH those are the best. I seriously can't believe that people that stupid are still alive. WOW. "Because his brain was on a jar on my desk..." NICE. The seals is the best though... I would have paid money to see the look on the tree-huggin PETA people when their beloved seals because whale snacks. BBWwwaahhh!!(No offense to any of you tree huggers out there)...

Julie said...

Man... Those lawyers are idiots! *lol*

jubilee said...

LOL. Still laughing . . . Can I swipe some of these?