Thursday, August 27, 2009

Gasp

Is it a bad sign when it suddenly dawned on me that I haven't even sat down to write my blog post at 1-ish in the morning? No? You're right, it hasn't stopped me before. But usually I have the oh my gosh what am I going to blog about rolling around in my head.

So here I sit. Very tired, dazed and may, or may not, have a ring of chocolate around my mouth. Got into a rip roaring, intense disagreement with Hubs as we were about ready to go grocery shopping. All this brought me was a silent drive to Taco Bell, of all places, and suddenly near perfect children as they tried to stay out of the storm.

I'm starting to think Hubs has a hankering for the colon bomb known as Taco Bell whenever we get into it. When the view points don't line up, we tend to run to the border, fill up our stomachs with questionable food and then spread the noxious gas clouds all over Stuffmart.

Others have screaming children, I have atomic fart bombs.

I could try to look at this all bright and cheery like 'a family that farts together, laughs together' but that only causes more fumes. Not to mention there is more laughter when unsuspecting people walk right into it, thus creating more fumes. Vicious cycle.

Nope, not feeling it. If you're looking for sunshine than you are in the wrong place. Please head towards the exit for your own safety. The rest of you have been here long enough and know what to expect.

I have finally learned that when I'm in a mood to just keep my trap shut. I've walked into too many clouds of mexi-death, with my mouth open, all because I was griping about something. I can tell you the Heavens have rejoiced upon hearing this declaration and there are a few people out there that won't believe it. (I never said for how long.)

I was now hip to the boys' digestive tract guerrilla warfare. I swear men will stick together verses women will claw each others eyes out for the last piece of chocolate. Those guys zipped around every corner and made a bee line for the end of the aisle while I had to commando crawl through the green clouds of doom, grabbing whatever I thought might have been on the list.

It was hard to tell as my eyes were watering so bad.

If all this wasn't just a barrel of monkeys, there was some lady that had a screaming child that was in the same aisle as we were. While she was out of our scent danger zone, as in ahead of the guys, we were smack dab in her hearing danger zone.

Normally we just hear the wails as they echo over the entire building. This time it was up close and personal. The last nerve was starting to pulse.

I actually did something that shocked Hubs. He had this look of awe and wonderment and came real close to shedding a tear. No, I didn't cut one in the middle of the cereal aisle, but it was just as shocking.

By the 4th time we had to be stuck in the same aisle with the screaming urchin of terror, I decided to let my inner Cruella come out to play. The mother was completely ignoring her kid. It wasn't the 'I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do' type of thing, it was the 'I'm talking on the phone and could care less what is going on around me'.

I kept hoping we would pass her up and let her get a whiff of the cloud of doom but I think the green hue gave us away and she made sure to stay ahead of the stench. She so deserved to get a mouth full of the fart cloud. I finally said rather loudly to the boys, 'that is why birth control was invented'.

Suddenly the whole store came to a screeching halt. Even the brat stopped howling long enough to look at me as did the mother. She glared at me only to have a glare already standing there waiting for her.

I kid you not, I had that whole scene from Fried Green Tomatoes I had blogged about going through my head. Where she slammed into that other car simply because she had had enough. That and more insurance.

There I stood, with that last nerve twitching for a showdown. Granted, it's a little rusty since my Mom isn't around to kick it into shape, but the old broad was still willing to give a good slipper slap down. Wisely the gal said nothing and made a fast exit. Both relief and disappointment had a moment of who was going to reign supreme. I was still standing there twitching and, I think, snorting wanting to unleash hell but the intended victim was already gone. I sort of snapped out of it, which is I beat Cruella back into her coffin, and realized that Hubs, the boys, and the rest of the aisle was giving me a standing ovation.

I almost wonder if I should start carrying a disclaimer. Warning! If you see the vein on this side or that side starting to pulse you have exactly 6 seconds to exit the area. Signed: from the people that have to live with her, acknowledge her in public, and/or the good of all man-kind.

It would explain why people give me the double-take and then dive out of my way when I'm shopping. I've been known to walk by people totally clueless as I am in the zone. Get the food and get out all before the plan is shredded to heck.

I've actually tried to run my life that way. Hasn't stopped the plan from going totally wonky though. Go figure.

15 comments:

Dianne said...

You go girl! Sound like our house. You haven't been stalking me have you? Beware of anything sends you with Chocolate! That's all I'm saying.

Dianne said...

Well that just made sense didn't it. I am only on my first cup of coffee. Beware of anything KAYE sends you I meant to say ...

grandmamargie said...

Sounds like something I would do. :)

Shauna said...

Sounds a lot like our life at times!

Scrappy Girl said...

I can smell you from here...LOL...and I can totally picture the shopping trip. Dr. Hubby and I had a "tiff" last night...he was an #$!%*&^!!!

Kaye Butler said...

Thank you Dianne for realizing you made a mistake.

BTW I would never never send Joanna anything tainted. I love her witty, insightful, wonderful, impressive use of adjectives, mom of twins blog.

Joshley and The Charles said...

haha you are too funny! i love reading your blog :) stopping by from SITS to say hi! i can't wait to read more..you have a new follower!

Kerri said...

I was looking for you at Stuffmart last night! We were there too, sans Jacob, and for the first time, we heard the screaming kids! We've never been there on Wed. night before, so know I can completely back you on the monster-level. And good for you for saying something about the ignorant mom on the phone. That makes me CRAZY!!!

See ya tonight.

Mary K Brennan said...

Three cheers for you. Some people should be required to have a license before conceiving.
The age of cell phones has turned people into complete morons.
I would have been equally pleased if you told us you farted out loud right next to the woman!

Aleta said...

I've fallen off my chair and typing this from the floor freaking laughing my butt off - this was H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S!!!

Ashley said...

Wow, you said what everyone else was thinking. Moms who talk on cell phones in stores ignoring their children are soooo annoying!

Anna K. said...

Ah, yes. Digestive tract guerilla warfare...I think the Hubby has been training Bubs in that fine art. Ugh!

As for the cell phone momma showdown - Towanda!

rthling said...

Oh, how many times I have wanted to say something like that in public places!
You have the kinda nerve I would pay good money for.

Julie said...

Joe was leaving those kinds of "bombs" all over Kmart the other day, and the kids and I were running for cover! *rofl*

Debbie said...

I can't believe you said that! Well, actually I can believe it because it sounds like something I would say.