Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I Got Nothing In My Noggin

Ok, it is 3 am. I'm tired and cranky. All I want to do is go to bed. Looong day. But I can say the new Skillet album totally rawks! Get the deluxe - you won't be sorry.

So with nothing in my noggin...

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him....He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

(Thanks Jubilee)
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

BUS RIDE
Two women's golf teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she had not heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go upstairs and conduct an investigation.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered,
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!'


A BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW (Thanks Kerri)
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!....bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said '2-4 years!'
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ...... Power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying ...'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'


HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim. I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.
'Cooter'

8 comments:

Kaye Butler said...

There's always something in that noggin of yours...
whatever it is might scar people, but there is something there....

love ya gurl (notice how i jacked up the english language there. Its all the rage with the kids)

grandmamargie said...

I haven't seen some of those. Funny.

Kerri said...

LOVE the southern security system... although having a goat named Rambo tied to your barn isn't exactly welcoming! Yes, that really happened...across the street. Same guy they found passed out in his vehicle as his house burned down.
Nice.

Scrappy Girl said...

So funny. Thanks for the giggles this morning...love the last one best!

Kristen said...

haha I love these!! Especially the last one!!

Joanna said...

Kaye - very true! But I was too tired to tame the beast to make it presentable to others. :P

♥ Teresa ♥ said...

Too funny!

Hi, I'm stopping by from SITS! I just wanted to share some comment love. I hope the rest of your week is absolutely amazing!

Many Blessings,

Teresa <><

The Read the Story of Why I Blog:

http://toomanyheartbeats.blogspot.com/2009/07/document.html

Transparent Mama said...

Lovin the tampons one.