Friday, August 7, 2009

My Heart Is Lying On The Floor

This is the post I chickened out on. And it's not over the reasons you think. Usually I get a flurry of email after posts like this - some good and some bad. That's what caused me to say wait a second - I don't feel like dealing with this.

I goofed off today. I didn't clean but sat and smelled the roses - literally. Hubs wanted to know if anyone was impressed with him. Since my calling is to keep his ego in check, I said no but a few of us wanted to know what took him so long?

Is it wrong that I laughed when he got a sheepish look on his face? Really? Huh. Yeah, I don't feel bad about it. Not one bit.

Especially after reading my bible and sort of got an ooo and an aahh moment, only to be followed by an ouch moment. God is having way too much fun reading my mail. (As if I think it's a secret from Him, but denial is more than a river in Egypt.)

Kerri, I am on the mat from this weeks bible study section. Don't think even a frappe could revive me!

To say my heart is lying on the floor would be close. Sitting here, I'm finding it hard to even type this out. Rather hard to open up and say I'm dealing with envy. Just looking at that sounds all wrong. I keep thinking envy is jealousy and I know that isn't what I'm dealing with here.

Looked up the words and jealousy is envy with bitterness. They're close but one has more spite involved.

I got to thinking about that. Do I want other people's stuff? No. Am I mad about other people having stuff and I don't? No. But I find it's hard to sit and watch as things just fall into other peoples' laps or an opportunity opens up for someone else while I'm still waiting.

It's usually right at that moment when someone says to just trust God as they skip off to go pick flowers, totally ignoring the thundercloud over my head dumping buckets of rain all over me.

So is that envy or is that jealousy? Neither. I'm not wishing ill on the person but find it difficult that everything is sunshine for them and crappy for me. I think that falls under envy.

To know I am doing everything I know to do and still have a hard go at it and watch others not struggle to my degree and things just fall into place is enough to make me...well want to slap my momma.

What? She really has it coming.

Don't look at me all innocent like. I'm not the only person out there that just went through a toilet bowl flushing and did not come out smelling like a rose. I'm not sure what that is suppose to mean, but this is what you get when I'm still up at 2 am.

There have been a few other times God has really zeroed in on the whole envy thing. It is sneaky. Simply because I don't envy people having stuff BUT I've found myself envious of other peoples' ability, opportunity, even approval.

My uncle called and left me a message. I found myself unable to call him back. He was just checking in but for some reason I could not face, what I presume to be judgement and disapproval of my life and situation. He'll ask questions, out of genuine concern, but it only seems to make me feel more ashamed. It's already bad enough I get to be the spokes person for stupid gone wrong, a.k.a. my parents, but to toss in the whole money thing as well...

And the more shame I feel, the more I want to run and hide. How messed up is that? I am so getting Adam and Eve right about now. The kicker is I didn't sin and yet here I am with egg all over my face. I didn't open a door to this. On the contrary, I prayed long and hard that this wouldn't happen. Yet here it is.

It almost seems like envy will feed off of shame. It builds, lie on top of lie. Agreement made upon agreement. Nothing but a lie. So why does it look like a mountain of truth?

The reality of that lie played out leaves a mess in its wake.

Pain, unanswered questions, disappointment, confusion - all of it can twist things around so up looks like down and left is really right. That's how a lie can slide right in.

I know I've been trying to pull away. I feel very disconnected with people. The scary thing is I know that any decision I make will not only affect me but people all around me. I'm frustrated about a bunch of little things that no longer feel little. I've prayed several things inside out and still not getting a direction or an answer. So the frustration just builds.

It has been my experience that when you go through a hard time for a long time, people get weary of being along side you. And before long you find yourself telling people 'I'm fine' because you know there isn't anything more to be said or done. Rather than admit the truth, it's easier to just say I'm fine, pull away, and keep going.

I bet this was the stuff that was hiding in the corner I didn't want to know about.

I'm still working on all this. It was a lot to have God tap me on the shoulder and point out all this junk. That's a lot to chew on wouldn't you say? So is it any wonder after all that, I was told to go scrapbook but to play some music?

MP3 was on a section of just worship music. I bet He planned it that way. Good thing. I was ready to crawl under the table.

God time, praise music, and being creative all at the same time. Oh happy sigh!

And believe me, this was no small task! I have been struggling for months on the whole 'be still and know that I am God' thing. I can't seem to shut my brain off. If my butt is parked before the Lord, rest assured I am praying about something. To just sit and listen? Holy smokes that is so much harder than what it sounds like.

I think the permission to goof off was the reprieve from the smackage. James 4 was talking about you have not because you don't ask or you ask with wrong motive. This always gets me scratching my head. How is it wrong to want your electric bill paid? How is that request asked with a wrong motive? Seriously.

But it does list having envy as being one of the culprits. A long time ago God showed me I had murder in my heart. I was appalled. I would not - never, but if I hate anyone that is the same as murder in God's eyes.

Well ouch!

Any show of hands on who has hated someone?

Yeah, just me.

This is that whole lets pull all this junk out, clean it up and get the closet all cleaned out. Dagnabbit.

Well, 1 area dealt with - 305 to address. Something tells me this is going to take awhile.


Kerri said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. I know you have been going through a hard time for a while, and you're right, speaking from experience, many people get tired of going through it with you. It's not always their fault...sometimes it is. But life goes on...for everyone but you, that's how it feels anyway, am I right?

Just know that I AM here...I won't go away, because I know what long term means.
Love you

grandmamargie said...

Sometimes it feels like we just need the world to stop and let us catch up. Or get off for a while. Keep your chin up!

Aleta said...

*hugs* Hang in there. Take some deep breaths and give yourself time. That does heal things, but it's not a fast and quick answer. It's a slow process but you can get through this. Type it out, share, we won't turn away from you. *hugs*

Kristen said...

here is a hug for you! I know it is tough when God shows us things but just know that people are here and everyone deals with their own things their own way. Just stay alive and know God is always with you, always! I don't exactly know what to say because no one can know exactly what someone else is feeling but do know you are not alone!

jubilee said...

The old adage seems to be holding true, When it rains it pours.

Don't have any quippy comments or helpful advice. Anything I could say, you probably already know and have heard a thousand times.

How about this: I'll be praying for you. It's the best I can do. Literally.

Joanna said...

Hugs to ya all!