Thursday, August 13, 2009

Sound Of Me Falling To The Floor

Trip to wally world - check. A ton of screaming children - check. Got home in record time - check. Everything put away - check.

Later that evening saw the biggest mouse slowly waltz across our kitchen floor - check.
Same large mouse made sure to turn around, make eye contact with me, and I do believe had the nerve to wink at me, as well as give me the bird before squeezing his fat butt under the dishwasher - check.
Me running the dishwasher if the vain hopes that the biggest mouse I ever saw gets zapped - check.

Okay, I can't come up with a blooming thing after that other than AAAHHHH EEEWWW EEWWW! EEEKKKK! AAAHHH! Doesn't make for good reading does it?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the Chip Monks.

You didn't even see it coming did you?? ;)

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu ignore it.
It's just --SPAM.

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow...

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this --you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians - it creates a hostile work environment.

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?

Well, .... I forgot what it was.

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse.
She said, 'You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.'
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, 'I don't know how to use this.'
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, 'This is what you sent to help me?' But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, 'Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?'
He said, 'Sure.' He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, 'Thank you so much! You are a very nice man.'
The man replied, 'Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.'
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, 'Oh , thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!'

Is - GOD GOOD - or what!

(Thanks Margie - not only for the laughs but for your constant encouragement. You mean a lot to me.)


Transparent Mama said...

I just totally learned something. I never would have ever known that people put chips in the offering plate in Vegas. Love it! So glad to meet you.

Alicia said...

lol, i loved this!! every part of it!! casino chips????? priceless.

Kerri said...

Chip Monks. You slay me.

THe first time I saw a mouse run across the floor I screamed like a little girl, called Doug at work (from the top of the couch) and insisted he come home and "deal" with it. Now I realize that I live in the country (whilst you live in the city...are you sure it wasn't a RAT??) and the little buggers are everywhere. Doug put this magic foam stuff into some cracks in the foundation (that stuff is FUN!) so that helped.

Now we just put a lot of mouse poison in the scary Michigan basement in front of the Freddy Kreuger furnace. Works for me. I certainly never go down there!

Kristen said...

okay this was the most random post but I loved it! And I cannot believe people turn in casino chips, seriously??

Julie said...

Sorry about the mouse! I would be TOTALLY freaking out!... And the cats would be on mouse patrol, or else! *lol*

grandmamargie said...

Oh, I could really tell you some mouse stories. I hate them and I don't know why, but I am deathly afraid of them. Almost as afraid of them as I am snakes. Note, I said almost.

Transparent Mama said...

Thanks for coming by to see me!

Joanna said...

I have no clue if it's true as I've never been to Vegas but I thought it was funny.

Oh thanks for that Kerri. As if I wasn't freaked out enough as it was.

I am the queeen of randomness!! All hail the mighty...hey I found a penny! :)

jubilee said...

Oh, mice are so scary and yucky! And when someone says that mice are just as afraid of us and we are of them, THEY ARE LYING! Or completely misinformed.

Andrea said...

Okay, I didn't get much after the MOUSE thing...eww, eww, EWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!