Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I Can't Get No

So I snuck away for some McTalking time with Kerri. Fabulous. Total life line lady. My family is happier, and safer, after I spend time away from them. They just don't know it.

Holy smokes, y'all need to get this book Me, Myself, & Lies by Jennifer Rothschild. A lot of whoa moments. And a few ouch. The truth sets us free. Sometimes that truth is a little painful to look at. It really gets you to focus on your self talk and just how unhealthy it really is and how to replace it with the truth. 'Think about what you're thinking' as Joyce would say.

I've had you're not good enough going through my head for as long as I can remember. I've had several people in my life reinforce that thought over and over. Hello? You've read about my mother.

Walking with God by John Eldridge had said that sometimes the very thing that is holding you down will try to jump onto other people, when in the end, reinforces its hold. The example is a person is lonely so they go out of their way to be the super friend to where they go too far and then start to be annoying. People start to avoid them and pull further away. The relationships they so desire slip right through their fingers. And rejection is reinforced failed relationship, after failed relationship.

While at bible study last week there was a definition for satisfy. Part of it was 'to have enough'. It jumped out at me because hearing 'not enough' means dissatisfy. I was hit with the thought that I haven't felt satisfied for a long time with just about everything. I feel 'not enough' about myself, or for others, and lets not even mention the money thing. Not enough is the theme that has been going on strong.

I had a person, who I thought was my friend, tell me a long time ago that she didn't want to be my friend because she said I wasn't happy no matter what she did so why bother. The weird thing is, she had constantly made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be her friend no matter how hard I tried and any little crumb I got from her I was to be grateful. So it shocked the snot out of me when I heard her say that. And darn it all, if her words don't still float around in my head no matter how hard I try to get it to stop.

A few other things jumped out in the book about Jesus is what sets us free and we're to focus on Him NOT all the other negative thoughts. We need to change the soundtrack so to speak of our self talk. Jesus is what satisfies. So I asked Jesus to be my Snicker bar because lets face it a Snicker satisfies. (Kerri, the look on your face was priceless when I told you that.)

Yes, I'm a nut but I really don't feel like an Almond Joy right now.

But the cool thing about it is even though I've had a hard week, I have been going right to Jesus and tore off the wrapper of myself and said satisfy me!! Exposing what is going on and where I'm at and by God's grace taking captive every vain thought or imagination that rises itself up against the knowledge of God. (I'm not looking up the reverence cuz it's 2 a.m.) After all, it is the truth that sets us free.

And very much like a Snicker bar - He takes the edge off.

Come to think of it an entire dinner of Snicker bars sounds really good about now. Hmmm, 'come, taste and see that I am good' is starting to take on a whole new meaning.

Before you clap and say well done you, I have to tell ya I was in rare form. And not in a good way. I'm just thankful Kerri didn't toss a fry in my direction and boogied out of there. The look of surprise and shock on her face as I owned up to what a real pill I've been lately was a bit sobering. Like I said, I can be a pill. Just asked Hubs. Who was stuck at home dealing with computer issues not to mention the mortgage company sent someone to the door to get him to answer the phone to discuss where we were at. Nice.

They basically said he makes too much money to help him and we spend too much money on food and too bad, so sad can't help you. (In my defense, the national average on food is banked on kids eating a school breakfast and/or lunch and dad or mom going out to eat for lunch. So if you're just covering dinner for 5 nights a week that will cut your over all grocery bill down. I make cheap meals, I buy cheap snacks. So little miss you spend too much money on food can kiss my grits.)

Needless to say, I did not come home to a happy home. Plus he'll be pissed off that I blogged this. Do me a favor and pretend you don't know nothing, m'kay? While they aren't coming to toss us out they aren't being very warm and fuzzy either. Basically same crap different day.

Not to mention we've been crossing paths for over a week with it not slowing down. He's now slammed at work and has been working Saturdays. I'm not complaining about him working - far from it. It's just hard knowing that we're doing everything we can do and it's, dang it, not enough. (At least for right now.)

While the first thought was to panic, after having some serious smackage on the whole think about what you're thinking and the truth sets you free I was actually a bit calm. And for me that's pretty huge because I don't do calm. I sort of see wringing my hands and jumping up and down as a sport - a way of coping even.

Except my own words floated back up in my mind that worrying is constant torment. No joke! And worrying can't change a thing. The book said that statement is a what is rather than a what if. What ifs have got to be from the pit of hell. So what are we to be thinking about? Whatever is pure and good and excellent and praise worthy and lovely and some more adjective that are slipping from my mind. It spells out J-E-S-U-S, baby.

So let the games begin as I'm rearranging my thought closet. How do you eat a whale? One bite at a time. How am I going to do this? One thought at a time.

Um, Lord? I think I need a case of Snicker cuz ah, I'm going to need a lot of help.


jubilee said...

It's startling to realize what kind of record we play in our heads sometimes. I can still see our next door neighbor ask me, "Don't you ever brush your hair?" from when I was eight years old. I rolled out of bed, threw on some clothes and ran to her house to play with her daughter and that was how she greeted me at the door. Nice.

Let the smackage begin.

grandmamargie said...

In God's timing. I do believe it will all work out in the end. Keep your chin up. :)

Kerri said...

Whoooo, GIRL you said it! I blogged about the same thing, but yours was better. I was just too blown away to be specific. This is goingto be the BEST study we've done yet. We are going to be two of the truest, lovliest, purest, admirable, praiseworty, most honorable girls on the planet! )Phil 4:8) I missed an adjective or two in there too!

Love you!

Leigh @ intentslife said...

I'm so excited for you and Kerri! There's nothing like replacing satan's lies with God's truth to change us from the inside out.

After hearing your, ahem, thoughts on it, I can't wait to get this book for myself.

Love ya.

Young Wife said...

I really struggle with worry. Sometimes I just catch myself obsessing over something beyond my control and I just have to say, "Stop!" Then I try to force myself to think about something happy. It's a struggle, thinking about what we think about.