Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Pick One

Where do I start? Right about now I am slamming back some serious chocolate. Today was one of those days where the hormone factory said overtime for all. When the alarm went off I was ready to launch it across the room. While the melatonin is helping it's not fully fixing the problem just yet.

I stumbled down the steps, bleary eyed, only to see my children sitting at the table ready and waiting for me. I couldn't help but wonder what they were up to but thankfully they were ready to tackle another day. It took me a few private moments to cram the cynical self back into it's coffin, but it wasn't having it. It wanted to come out and play.

When I looked in the mirror I noticed I had a zit that needed it's own zip code on my chin. This thing was either giving off Morse code or it had it's own heartbeat. I tried squeezing it only to have an oil slick that rivaled an Exxon spill. This only made it angry and it expanded in size. Not only did it have it's own heartbeat it now starting to talk in a funny Italian accent and demanded I order pizza if I knew what was good for me.

Not believing my new symbiont, I tried again. He called in for back up and more exploded onto my face as the day went on. Not to mention I've had lumps in my armpits for a week. First it was in one and went away, then it went to the other side and is already getting smaller. But it was painful to put on deodorant. Not to mention my left ovary has been throbbing. I've never really noticed my ovaries before but this one has certainly been putting up a fuss lately.

At this point, my inner Cruella showed up to say howdy. This means that aunt flo may, or may not, be showing up for a visit sometime in the next month or 2. Hey it took me a while to recover from last time. I dipped my Midol in chocolate as it makes it go down better. That's my story anyway.

I'm starting to make sense to you now, aren't I? The light bulb has finally gone off that this chick is messed up. There is 'dude - messed up' and then there is 'dang! that is messed up'. I take it to a whole new level.

To make things interesting, and slightly cruel, we went grocery shopping. Why I decided to wear flats while grocery shopping is proof that I operate without a fully functioning brain. My feet hurt and my ankles had swollen to the size of grapefruit.

There I was at Wally World. Limping before we even got to the grocery section. It probably didn't help that I actually picked up a birthday card for my mother. (Further proof that oxygen was dangerously low to what was left of the brain.) This ordeal took about for-evah. Nothing quite captured the feeling I was going for but then again they don't publish cards like that. I went for any card that sort of made me smirk. Trouble was it said sorry about your loss or in this difficult time of grieving.


Don't think it would have put her in a festive mood. But at her age and the level of stupidity she has been sporting, not to mention where she is residing right now - I'm thinking festive is the last thing on her mind.

After that painful debate, I think I about filled my cart with pain relievers and chocolate with a case of Kleenex thrown in for good measure. Hubs took one look at my inventory and said, 'dang toss in a bag or 5 of Reese's for me'.

As I limped through the store, I did notice that now that school is back in session nary a screaming child was present. However, the geriatrics ward must have decided it was time for the annual 'take the old people out to air them off trip'.

Why do I hear booing?

I understand that Maw-maw and Ethel need to shop just like everyone else but I don't understand why they will park their cart in the middle of the aisle making it impossible to get around them.

Once we were able to negotiate all 3 carts around them - yes negotiate, as in she'll move her cart if the nice tall gentleman who sort of looks like Carry Grant would get her something off the top shelf - we were on our way. Cracks me up every time. Hubs has had a lot of elderly people ask if he's related to Mr. Grant. There's poor Hubs trying to answer these nice people while his wife has fallen on the floor laughing. He didn't complain as I had the cart with all the chocolate. Smart man.

Then we get to the next aisle where we encountered a gentleman who thought there was no need to be putting on airs and getting all fancy like by wearing a clean shirt with sleeves - or his teeth. I was just glad he remembered to wear his pants. He started hollering that he needed to talk to someone who worked there. Turns out he didn't like the drink that he opened before paying for it and gosh darn it they weren't going to take his money.

I felt so sorry for this gal who listened to this man go on and on and on about how gross that drink was and why would they sell that drink to the public and no way was he going to pay for it. Do remember he didn't pay for it. I noticed he had 2 bottles, like half gallon size, of the stuff and both were opened and about half gone. And he's complaining.

I moved away as quickly as I could. That did prove to be rather difficult because our Wal-Mart has shifted everything around - again. This wasn't the whole this is here and now that is back over there sort of thing. Oh no, this was much more evil. Same crap in the same aisle but what was on the left is now down on the end but on the right hand side.

Curse you aqua scum!

Their evil marketing ploy worked as they made sure to put some form of chocolate at the end caps which magically jumped into my cart. Before you go all tsk tsk, I remembered how pathetic Hubs check was and put it a lot of it back.

Thankfully no one had noxious fumes for me to limp through because I would have been a goner. Now if you'll excuse me, there is a bag of Reese's with my name on it.


Kaye Butler said...

I heart your grocery shopping experiences.

Kerri said...

But you had a great lunch with awesome people!!! Good thing! Sounds like you needed it!

grandmamargie said...

I'm so glad I don't have to grocery shop. Hubs does ours. :)

jubilee said...

Wal-Mart is the bane of my existence for many of the reasons you mentioned. But when a gal only has so much money in her pocket for groceries: Wal-Mart it is.

Some how The Calm One has managed to get out of accompanying me the last three or four times. Doesn't he know that going grocery shopping by myself is NOT a good substitute for mommy time?

Julie said...

I hate going to Walmart on the weekends... Man, do the crazies show up then!

Scrappy Girl said...

Hormones suck!

dianne countryandlovingit said...

i shall sow u some chocolate and yea shall reap it and it will be good. amen

Anna K. said...

What is it about Wally World that brings out the crazies?

My family is full of nurses and I've been in and out of more doc offices than I care to remember so I gotta ask....lump under your arms? Lymphnodes are swollen? Can you get to a doc at all, Joanna? I'm worried about you, Shug.