Thursday, September 3, 2009

You Know You Got It Bad When

The sad thing is I can apply this to both blogging and now farming. I have to say I prefer FarmTown over Farmville. But that is another post all together.

But you know you have it bad when you toss and turn in your sleep thinking you are still on the computer writing a post, or harvest/plow a crop. So you end up dreaming about it all night long.

You wake up and rush to the computer to either check the mistake on your blog you dreamed you made, to check out the truck load of comments you dreamed you got, OR to harvest your crops before they go bad. Only to find out you were wrong about it and none of it happened.

You're willing to send out a friend invite to people you don't even know just so they'll be your neighbor on FarmTown.

You want to kick the computer for booting you off a good harvesting job because you timed out on the server or move super duper slow.

Your family and friends roll their eyes at you or glaze over because they have no clue what you are talking about.

You also know you got it bad when you noticed today out in public that one of your boys could not take his eyes off of some bewbs. It didn't help that this gal had them locked, loaded and hoisted up for all to see. I think the other one noticed but was much smoother at checking em out.

You all can shoot me now.

You also know you got it bad when you inform your Husband that his spawn needs a proper talk about where to keep his eyes and he asks over what. Then when you say bewbage at 2 o'clock, you slap yourself for showing your man to check out better totties than what you carry.

I'm sensing another man-to-man hiking trek coming on in the near future. Hubs can tell them to either knock it off or teach them the art of stealth check-em-out verses the howling, drooling idiot that refuses to make eye contact with any woman. Although I don't know why I get my hopes up because they always end up coming back to me to verify everything.

Homeschooling Mom - blessing or a curse? I think I'll go back to farming and blogging thankyouverymuch.

We're pulling the plug on this computer sometime tomorrow. Which means I'm going to lose all my emails and my jokes. While I've printed off some, the thought of typing all that out is just more than what I want to think about right now. I'm posting a lot of them here so this will be long. Thanks Margie, Kaye, and Kerri for all the jokes you send me. My MIL still holds the recond on the best ones but I'll take them. Remember all the ones I've posted are the clean ones. Stop and let that soak in.

TIRED NURSE
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: "Well, that's great....that's just great....Some a$$hole's got my pen."


THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.


ONLY THE IRISH HAVE JOKES LIKE THESE
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
"Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband, Shamus, is dead and gone. I'm sorry.'
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
'Oh my dear Lord! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She says, ‘He said, please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

And the best for last
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'



Two men were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am.'
The first guy says, 'So am I, and where about from Ireland might you be?'
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first guy responds, 'sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world, so did I. So did I.. And to what school would you have been going?'
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other guy answers, 'Well, now...let's see, I graduated in 1964..'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self.'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer..
Brian the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night here tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that Brian?'
'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'


THREE MEN ON A HIKE
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, The first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! . God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, The third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, The tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.



THREE MEN MARRIED WIVES FROM DIFFERENT STATES.
The first man married a woman from Michigan. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Missouri. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.



RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere....But she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"


THINGS THAT MAKE YOU WONDER
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car-pool lane?
Why does Goofy stand up while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Hope you have a great day!

10 comments:

grandmamargie said...

When my youngest son was around four, he asked me, "Mama, what are doobs?" :)

Scrappy Girl said...

My nephew told his kindergarten teacher almost daily that she had big boobs...they couldn't get him to stop.

Young Wife said...

Thanks for the shout out to Texas girls!

Julie said...

I have to admit it... I did sing both the ABC song and Twinkle Twinkle to myself. *rofl*

Aleta said...

Step away from the farm. Leave it alone. Lol. Seriously, people really get into it. I used to, until FB "lost" my farm and I've considered it a blessing, because I didn't want to start over again.

Loved the Irish poems. Too funny about the boys noticing boobage so early on!

Anna K. said...

I laughed until my laptop almost became a floortop!

jubilee said...

I once made the mistake of commenting on another woman's bewbage. My husband gleefully asked (before he looked, to his credit), "Are you giving me permission to look?!"

The Blonde Duck said...

I love the jokes!

Joanna said...

Margie - nice! heehee

Joanna said...

Julie, I did too!