Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Great

J is running a fever and felt pretty yucky. I have a sore throat and my nose is plugged and N and M are slowly getting better but are still running a mild fever.

Great, just great.

I don't know about you but I could use a good laugh. I'm going to post some jokes rather than go on and on about nothing important. My MIL sent me these and while super funny, I'm thinking I better give my FIL a call just to make sure he's okay.

Or not.

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $30.00

Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car..
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16" box wrench.
9) Give up and use crescet (adjustable) wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan..
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!


DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband..."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'


DEAR TIDE
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.


In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's rest-room, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
"Sir," she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW and warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's rest-rooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies rest-room was more than a rest-room; it is tender loving pleasure!

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your peni$ is under your pillow."
(I told this joke to Kerri and she zinged right back that the Tooth Fairy was in for a surprise. I laughed so hard I snorted.)

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize."Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

8 comments:

Aleta said...

"Tooth Fairy was in for a surprise." OMG, that was the best part - LOVED THIS!!!!

Aleta said...

Hope you feel better soon!!!!

Kerri said...

Heheheh...
I love making YOU laugh! The snorting was hilarious! I hope you guys get better soooon!!! No fun being sick!
Love ya

Kerri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joanna said...

Show of hands: do you think my FIL is in the dog house based on these recent jokes? He's breathing ain't he? At least I hope he is.

Off to make a phone call. ;)

Julie said...

Must print jokes for husband! *lol*

jubilee said...

Oh, my. I am so glad you decided to use alternate spellings. Who knows WHO would have shown up to read your blog.

Thems some funny jokes, sistah.

Young Wife said...

Loved the letter to Tide! Yes, I think it's wise for you to call and check on FIL.