Saturday, November 28, 2009

My Poor Head!

I have searched high and low for something festive. Since the other blog site I was using went all private and all, I found myself without new backgrounds and headers. Backgrounds I found. Headers I have not.

So what is a scrapaholic suppose to do?

She pulls out her own crap. She takes a picture of it. Plays around with it on paint until she's used every swear word in the dictionary. She invents a few more. She drop kicks the cuss jar across the room out of frustration but then hops around in pain - adding more moolah for the cause. Finally gets it done and says, "Screw it! Ba freakin humbug!! I ain't no computer genius." and hits the darn save button.

I wish I were kidding.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go decorate the darn Christmas tree. Leave it to me to set a festive air for our home.

Slap my butt in some green fur and call me Grinch!!! Let the holiday hoopla begin!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanks!

Thought I would blow the dust off of this blog to say a big ol' THANKS to my InterPeeps! Appreciate all the encouragement you guys tossed my way. Means a lot to me.

I hope y'all have a great Thanksgiving. I am very thankful that we're not going anywhere this year. I hear there is a shindig down in Indiana but I said nopity-no. I seem to be having people issues and I have one cousin who's children may possibly be spawn of the devil. I've dragged my kids to many of these things and they don't go over to well. Last year Dad busted Jared's tooth. So I'm thinking no was a wise choice.

Instead I'm going to stay here and slave over the stove. Clearly I didn't think that one all the way through. However, it beats driving for 4 hours one way. Sort of kills the turkey coma I was planning on.

Since the guys have shown a knack for pie crust, I am going to attempt a top secret family dessert. Except it's going to be a WE project. As in get your ever living carcass over here and help me you eating machines or so help me it's cold gruel for a week!

And I don't even know what that is.

Stacked Pie has 8 layers of pie all stacked together. Hubs, being in the presence of childhood goodness from wonder cookies, has turned to whining, begging, and pleading to get this pie. I think in the 15 years of marriage it was made twice. I just hope this goes okay as these are some messed up instructions. Not sure if it's written in some secret code or what. I've had to email a few baking queen gals as some stuff doesn't make sense to me.

I did find out that the world's best cookies do not like me. Made me sicker than a dog! I couldn't eat the next day as I was still suffering from all the Crisco in it. Talk about lubing the tube. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth on my end while the guys all did a lot of rejoicing of having to eat my share of it.

I think I felt a chill.

You would think I would lose weight from being unable to eat anything but I did say there was like 5,000 calories in 1. I think I may need more stretchy pants.

My MIL sent me a blanket wrap with snaps down the front. I'm in it right now. I think this will be my wardrobe for all of winter. I told Hubs I needed to find a ski mask to match it as it's a blue and green plaid. He said no. Like it matters if I look like a dork at home. I don't answer the door anyway. The anointing was working again as she got this baby for $7. All hail the shopping anointing!!!

On top of that our house went into foreclosure. The timing of it all was just very crappy. As if we haven't lost enough lately. I sent an email off to my in-laws for prayers and I got a phone call informing me they raided their retirement funds and will be mailing us a check to get caught back up. Unemployment only helped with food and utilities over the spring and summer and sort of hard to make up 2 months worth of paycheck. Very grateful they are bailing us out. I'm keeping the guilt at bay with cookies.

But all the stress of that has been triggering panic attacks. Sort of irritated with it as I thought this was something I had beat. I was telling a friend of mine that in the last few months I've had a hard time even leaving the house. She said she's gone through that herself. I don't know if it's the ghost of Christmas past with all the stuff we went through with my folks or what but just some unpleasantness going on.

Again, the timing of all this just stinks to high heaven. I did tell Kerri I'm sort of skert to do the next week in our bible study because we've had a really hard go last few weeks. Seems like we made something mad. We came close to being houseless, we're now churchless, and pretty darn near friendless. Been very eye opening on who's your friend and who isn't. Not to mention exposing stuff about myself that I would rather not look at. All topped off with panic attacks, teenage angst, and trying to juggle a few home school projects at once. That's how my last 2 weeks have been - how's yours?

All of this in time for the holidays! Yippee.

Ba humbug!

But thought I would tell ya I'm thinking about all of ya. I'll get back in the saddle before too long. Hopefully. Very thankful for what I do have. I have a wonderful family. I should know as I threaten to beat them simple if they aren't wonderful. Very dear friends who read this and send me everything from thinking about you to goofy emails. I so can not wait till we're all up in heaven just having a big ol' bloggy celebration hoopin and hollering with each other. All while the guys look at each other and say, 'you too?' heehee

Stay safe, and happy turkey coma!

Monday, November 16, 2009

WTHey

I think I'm going to have to take a bloggy break. This last week we've had several things pop up and have just been brutal to deal with and it's sort of taken the starch right out of me. While that normally doesn't stop me, I was dealt a pretty nasty blow on top of all of that and it's left me rather broken.

I had never meant for my blog to be read by people I saw on a regular basis. It was a way to get to know people who live in another state - sort of like pen pals as well as my therapy. I try to be very open and honest and what you see, or read, really is what you get. Trouble with that is people I do see on a regular basis has taken stuff I have said and twisted it around for their own agenda and a couple people have flat out lied about things and 1 person in particular for spiteful revenge.

I never did phony and fake too well. What a pity as that seems to get you far in church. That really has been my church experience. The faker you are, the holy you are. Oh dear Lord, Barbie got saved! Surely she hears from God better as she's able to stand on her tip toes for a very long time. I must have missed that section in the book of plastic on how thou shall be fake on outside and hollow on the inside.

Apparently struggling with things and being honest about it will bite you in the butt.

Forgive me for struggling. I've had health issues not to mention being burned out. I'm told it's because I've tried to do things in my own strength and that I'm in disobedience and that is why I have no joy in my life. Guess spiritual warfare isn't a factor. Nor is other people's crap and getting tired of dealing with it.

It got to be to the point that I just couldn't serve in the area I was. Trouble with that is the minute you stop "serving" in a church they have no use for you. Suddenly you go to not really being a person with value but part of a problem to be solved. I'm told I don't trust leadership and need counseling. I've been open and honest saying I've battled feelings of not being wanted. Yet I'm continually amazed that the people I am around reinforce it 100 times over.

I just needed a friend to tell me I'm sorry you're going through a hard time and I'm here for you. Instead I got the cold shoulder and told 'don't know what to say to you'. Not to mention the absolute bullsh*t of people and their petty little cliques.

I can say this has been the week from hell. I am just crushed that things have been falsely said about me. I have known for months that something was off with some people. I even went to them only to be told everything was just fine only to find out through someone else that isn't the case.

Yet I'm the one with the problem?

The kicker is some of those people read this blog. Some of them even claimed to be my friends. And I'm just hurt beyond words. The timing of all of this is just rotten to the core. Seriously. If I were to list out what we went through every single day this last week and the battle that has been going on - this crap was just the cherry on top.

Where that leaves me, I have no clue. It's pretty clear I'm not welcomed in a couple circles. I think I just need to pull back and have some alone time with God, a box of Kleenex, and a bag of chocolate.

This is just a break and it might not even be for a full week. Depends on how good the chocolate is I guess. :}

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My Poor Schedule Is All Over The Place

I don't know if it's just 'that time of year' where the holidays are upon us or what. Remember my feelings of the whole calm before the storm? That feel is gone. Right now I feel like I've got a death grip on the dingy just trying to stay afloat with everything else going on. Crazy!

It seems that come midnight I'm actually tired and brain fried and can't motivate myself to blog. What is the deal with that? And this after I told myself that I look waaay too young to be having 2 14 yr olds. Humble pie - serving for 1?

I have not had a chance to write a blog post for N and M. I'm not happy with that either as I didn't do one last year. It also doesn't help that they usually tick me off right when I want to write one. Year 12 was not a fun year and I have mention a time or 50 of selling them to a roaming band of gypsies. Sort of kills the mood, ya know? "Dear N and M, today on your b-day I wonder, yet again, why in the world I was inflicted with this handful that was beyond my endurance." But that isn't very nice nor is it true as I'm still stinking here.

Hoopty did let me upload some pictures. Trouble is I still want to get a shot of M with his beloved guitar. He isn't cooperating. He's turning into Hubs a little too much. Every party having it's pooper and all.

I remember when they were little, they were total camera hams. Make that camera hogs. If one was in my hand - oh the poses. Now? I get the sneer of angst. Proving that testosterone is stupid juice. It kills off the fun loving little boy into I am teenager - pick up after me and feed me 12 times a day and I will make your life barely tolerable.

Oh I kid. It's not always that bad. I just don't like all the competition for being the crazy emotional one.

On top of that, I really don't feel that I have done the cookie baking thing justice. The best way I can describe this cookie is a very flaky pie crust wrapped around wooden rods and baked. Like so.


Once baked, we removed the rods and let them cool while I hopped around saying ow, ow, hot, hot. Then it's filled with the best filling I ever had. I do not want to know the calorie count. I bet it's 5,000 for 1.

I had said I was going to post the recipe and MIL suggested not to and have some at a gathering and then see if I can sell them to people. After I informed her I did have a life and there was no way I was going to be cranking these bad boys out for some green, she told me her sister made over $500 doing it. I'm now debating. It doesn't help that the recipe doesn't really explain how to do it. So even if I post it, there is no way to get the feel for it. Ya'll have recipes like that?

The guys did a really good job. And they cranked out a truck load of them. While most are gone, Grammy took home a box of them and I have one buried and locked in the freezer. They are so getting an A for this part of home ec.

This is Nicholas and Grammy, my MIL.

Michael and Jared were going to town. I think we used up every cookie sheet I had and I think I have over 10.

I told J to smile and he just said, "we're busy" right when the camera went off. Grammy tried to get them to have some all baked when they come back for Christmas visit and the boys shot that down saying they need her help a few more times before they have the swing of it.

My MIL and I worked pretty darn hard to get stuff pumped out. We were both bummed that we didn't get it all done. But what we did get done - oh my word! We stopped counting how many dozens.

Mr. Scrooge, aka Hubs, was even saying it was starting to feel like the holidays. The down side is that both my MIL and I got a bit sick from all this cookie goodness. We were using a lot of Crisco and let me tell you my bod did not like the extra grease. Organs I didn't know existed said excuse me, this is more than I can handle! And the heartburn! Oh my word, I haven't had it that bad since I was preggers with 2.

I guess I will be taking the low cal humble pie for one.

After watching Hubs suffer nary a bad affect, I was a tad bit bitter. He said it's because he's built up his immunity to all things cookie, fat, grease, sugary, spicy etc. Verses my delicate self as not been exposed to this level of goodness.

Suddenly the cookie coma is starting to make sense now.

Trouble is I feel like Garfield. Last night I snagged some of the apricot filled cookies and again was waylaid with more heartburn. Houston, we have a problem. Especially since there are a lot of those and I really like them. I probably shouldn't advertise that so I don't have people just showing up to hang out and get caught up on things.

I wasn't born last night, ya know.

Right now the guys are jamming out on the guitar and piano. We've been a bit half hearted on school stuff. Not to mention I have 2 very large baskets of clothes I need to full. Then there is all the other things I'm putting off like paying bills.

I have It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas going through my head which is nuts as the sun is out and shining and leaves all over the place. I blame it on all the commercials that are assaulting my senses already.

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas! Holiday angst is all a glow! The commercials are in full swing and I have to make a grocery list that is starting to grooow!
It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. Food is calling me sooo. Take a bite of this and that and before you know it, you're fat, (already there) so you say ah screw it and slam back several more (I am so there).

Merry Tums to all and to all a heartburn free night! (If I can stay out of the dagburn cookies.)

Monday, November 9, 2009

Where Do I Begin?

When we last left our heroine, she was battled and bruised but feeling rather smug at having kicked the kitty in the shmizle (yeah I made that up) and thinking this roaring lion thing wasn't that big of a deal.

Um, yeah.

Kitty regrouped. Kitty wasn't a kitty. Kitty is sort of a lion. Lion sort of roared a bit. But I can say I'm not sliding into the pit of despair. That truly is saying something.

Holy smokes, Peeps! This has been one crazy week.

We did have a great visit with the in-laws. Boys had a wonderful b-day which will have to be for another post. I'm trying to get pictures uploaded but hoopty is having none of it.

The shopping anointed worked just fine and dandy. Too bad we didn't have our money anointing with us. I spent more than what I wanted to and I never stinking do that. I had this massive brain fart and suddenly thought I had more than what I did and when I got to the check out all I could think was oh cwap as I paid for it.

But they were really good deals!!!

Thankfully Hubs wasn't bothered by it. I think my FIL was bothered by it. Especially since he gave me money to go shopping with and I spent that and more.

It was the anointing - I had to yield to it.

Although we got zilch in the shoe department and jewelry department. MIL found a purse while I didn't. I have weird standards in a purse as I only have one and I use it until it dies.

We ended up doing some serious cookie baking. I don't even want to get near a scale. Granted that's every day but this time *shudder* I don't want to think about it. The guys did really great - the first day. After their birthday shopping they had no use for us and were suddenly too busy to help with the cookie making process. Whatever. That's why we did the hard stuff first. Muwahaha!

Sad to say, we ran out of time. I think there was 4 more batches (that were all doubled) that we didn't get to do. But MIL is loaded up with cookies that she's going to freeze and will save her come Christmas. I only froze 2 Tupperware full as we are pounding on all the rest.

In the middle of all this, my hand mixer died. I looked at my MIL and said, "your son touched it and kiwd it". Hubs wanted to try this coffee ice cream mix that had to use the blender. Our blender, that we hardly ever use, turned out to be rusted up so the blade won't rotate. Not to be deterred, he dumped it into a cup, grabbed the hand mixer, only put in 1 beater and mixed. While it worked, the whole thing is now wonky. At first it would only spin 1 beater and then gave it up where it wouldn't do anything.

So we sent my FIL to the nearest store and he bought me another one so the cookie palooza could continue. Trouble with the new one is it sort of flung dough rather than mix dough. It brags it has turbo power which I'm sort of skert of. Why do I hear Tim Allen doing that man roar thing?

The kitchen looks like it exploded. This is going to take days to clean up.

My Dad tried calling and we didn't take the phone call. While the message he left was pleasant there was some snark to it and the tone. This got me upset and in turn got the boys upset. In the last week I've talked to my in-laws, a couple friends, and a couple aunts on the whole subject of my folks and everyone has different opinions on what the bible says to do to handle it.

Actually, my MIL had some pretty deep insight on my feelings towards my Dad and why I've been struggle about it. Guess I've been hoping to get back what was gone. Sort of like dragging around that dead raccoon. Yet another graveyard.

On top of that, we had to sit down with N last night and have a serious talking to - again. Only this time it was really clear he needed some serious prayer. It was a long night. I can already tell a difference in him. Hoping he gets his rear end in gear. I tell ya, this teenage thing is just brutal. The hard part is how his decisions effects everyone else and he can't seem to get that through his head. I think it is now.

If this drama wasn't enough, it turns out the boys have all been having bad dreams. Really hate it when there is a problem going on and I'm the last to find out about it. They haven't bothered to tell us about it but while they talked about it amongst themselves it ended up scarying the willies out of J so he's been afraid to sleep. On top of that, J tells us how he's been getting picked on by a couple different boys and they've been shoving him at bible study and at church.

Nice.

I wonder if we can install some baby monitors in the upstairs room as I can know these things while they are going on rather than oh by the way it's clean up time from emotional meltdowns.

We have the bible on CD so I had it playing in the hallway and just looped it while we all slept last night. Boys woke up in a good mood and all of them said they slept wonderfully for the first time in a long time.

As Hubs and I were getting ready for bed, we both said we can tell the battle has been upped but have got to be so stinking close to some serious breakthrough. Both of us have been getting some huge insight on things and feel closer to God than we ever have before - is it any wonder all hell has been breaking loose?

Then the laundry monster showed up and just karate chopped me this morning. I'm either buried under a mountain of laundry OR a mountain of dishes. Kerri informed me that this is a butt kicking week on the bible study. Mercy! Or maybe that should be Medic!

While I'm staggering I'm still upright so that has to count for something. Right?? If not there are always those cookies.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Sheesh!

Holy smokes! Remember my post about crawling out of the grave? Um, yeah. Today was one of those days that had me running back for the tomb, diving in, pulling the door shut and was just cracking open a tube of caulk to seal the darn thing shut.

Luckily for me, it was a tube of cookie dough I cracked open instead of all purpose, all weather caulk. I don't know how I could have mistaken the tubes. It's not like you store caulk in the frig, right?

At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So there I was cookie dough in one hand and caulk in the other when, gosh oh gee, I get to put into practice what we just studied this week. Kerri and I just had McTalking Monday night. Like a cool breeze, the whole weeks lesson came blowing back over my scorched brain. (Not insulting myself - I felt fried to a crisp!)

I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Nothing like God telling you to strap on the big girl panties and kick some toothless lion in the groin.

*Side note* is it biblical to ask God to send an angel to kick the devil in the balls once a day? Anyone??? When I posed this question to Hubs, he said actually we're told to do the kicking and that we have power over the enemy. I think that's in Ephesians. Note to self, get some steal-toed boots.

What could get me this worked up you ask? Then you must be new here. The rest of the 5 people that read this already know the score.

Drama on the parent front. Dad is in half way house and my phone was ringing off the hook from various relatives telling me how I need to get a copy of driver licence cuz my grandparents had put my name on the car they bought my Dad last time and blah, blah, blah. Same crap, different day. Basically they are having to do for him what I did last time. But with my name on the car it caused a snafu and they need me to drop everything and get some stuff taken care of to ease their burden.

As if I had nothing else going on right now.

I got off the phone and I sat there as the emotions went off the charts. I was in a total fit. We're talking past the point of no return. Isn't it hilarious that this last week we covered anger and how not to be surprised if people come crawling out of the woodwork to get you to go back to the wrong thinking? It also said to watch out for gasoline words - things that can trigger anger.

Think about that for a second. If you're in a red hot rage what will gasoline do? Exactly. I felt like gasoline was dumped all over me.

Oh mah gosh, the emotions! Emotions that I thought were dead came right back to life just like a fire. And it didn't stop there because that burning thing turned on me and tried to scorched the tender new shoots of growth. I ended up making mistakes left and right and kept catching myself calling myself names. It was not a fun day.

I did not eat the cookie dough. I put down the caulk. I didn't stay in the tomb. But you would not believe how low I ended up feeling about myself from one thing after another, after another, after....you get the picture. It turned into a fierce battle that ended up with me on the floor sucking carpet doing some serious prayer along with some serious snot blowing, eyes leaking, bawling and just wrung out.

I was telling Kerri the other night I got ker-smacked with this last week's lesson. When the emotions are hot it asked what words do I speak to myself to calm down. What? We're suppose to do that??? Needless to say, I had some work to do. It said like water to the flame - we're to speak the Word of God to our red hot emotions. And isn't it just special I got to put that right into practice the very next day?

Yeah, I'm not laughing.

Sort of hard to read scripture when you're scraping snot off your chin. But life moves on and I had stuff to get done.

We had to go grocery shopping and I was in such a fit, I suggested we run for the border and then secretly cackled with glee at the thought of gassing wally world. Clearly, I have some issues.

While shopping I ran into a couple different people. Thankfully, we weren't eeking any green clouds of doom. But I was asked if I was going to some up-coming event. I had no clue what the person was talking about and it shifted to awkwardness when it was realized I wasn't invited.

While there was no way I could go, I still felt a deep sting from being left out. More gasoline on raw emotions. I was a bit quicker on my response to myself. Nothing like being in the middle of stuffmart doing battle as I felt absolutely unwanted - just down to my core being.

Talk about your drama.

But I was clued in on what was going on. Didn't make it any easier and I think if one of the guys would have dropped a taco bomb I would have been curtains. I was in such a daze from not giving vent to those emotions that I forgot a few things on the list. I caught myself - again - before I went off on my mental capacity and lack thereof. I hate repeat visits to a store because that means more money.

On the bright side, we underspent which both shocked and confused me. You would think I would have stuck my arm out and ran down the chocolate aisle clearing the shelves into my cart. I didn't buy one piece of chocolate.

I told the guys to take my pulse.

I think this may be progress. I can tell you, I'm very much alert to the schemes of the devil. The only downer is I took one serious beating from it. Even though I'm beat up and bruised, I'm still standing and there is one sore lion holding his groin.

Who's roaring now?

Monday, November 2, 2009

Here We Go

Well thanks for all the nice words. Means a lot. I can tell you that I have found that most people do not like it when I'm being honest. I was always told to let your yes be yes and your no be no. I find it difficult to navigate in certain circles as most people won't tell you what they are thinking to your face. Then you find yourself trying to figure out what was really said and what was really meant.

It's enough to cause me to go screaming for a locked door.

Moving on....

We had a good weekend. We went out and about Saturday as the whole trick-or-treating isn't really our thing. My guys are all about the candy and really don't want to share it with other people anyway. Totally made my day that Steak and Shake has their White Chocolate milkshakes out early.

Let me tell you, there was rejoicing in the land.

I made up a bag of candy for each of us and reached for the stretchy pants. My attempts at a chocolate coma was not successful. It did, however, appease aunt flo and thank goodness she is slinking back into her coffin.

Now if I could get the headaches to go away, life would be a bit better.

The birthday palooza is soon to be upon us. There has been great debate as to what in the world to get twin 14 year olds who have different tastes in what they want. Money has a nice ring to it and that is working for them.

M wanted a better guitar and thanks to his brilliant Dad he now owns a nicer one. Hubby had the idea of checking out a pawn shop. Sure enough, he fell head over heels in love with a nicer guitar in great condition all at a price that was right for M.

He's still on cloud nine.

Pictures will be coming later in the week if hoopty will let me.

N, on the other hand, has been weighing his options as there isn't one thing that he desires. Instead, there is a whole host of things he can get. We've had long discussions about all of his options. I fear I am no longer able to appear like a give a rat's bee-hind any more about said options. But rather than anger it, I mean him, I march on like a brave little soldier.

I do still tease him but simply because he has it coming. In spades. I am just very thankful that the 11-12 years stages are behind us and 13 was much easier to deal with. After massive threats to sell them to gypsies if they every go through that stage again, I'm confident that 14 will be better yet.

Don't you dare burst my bubble with reality!!!

N did buy the new TFK's album and I got it all loaded on everyone's MP3. He also bought an expansion pack for Guitar Praise. Good stuff! Except they won't play the songs I want to listen to - ooooh noooo, we can't be having that!

I spent most of Sunday watching movies with J because he feels horribly left out and thinks the world is out to get him. This is suspiciously sounding like the 11 year old blues. Dude is only 6 months away from it and I can already tell he is starting to change. His body is getting thicker and he's not able to make a high of a squeak noise when he's tickled. He was even complaining that he's not too happy with how his body is changing on him.

Do tell.

I so hope he's easier to deal with on these next 2 years. While he has a different personality than his brothers, one never knows how it is going to go down.

But the guys are looking forward to Grammy and Pap coming for a visit. I guess I am a proud new owner of a battery operated cookie press. Do this mean I have to use it? I was telling the guys about it and N is all excited to use the 'cookie gun' as that is what he is calling it. Lord, help me!

I was going through the basic 'gun' safety.
Do not point it at anyone.
Do not look down the barrel.
Only point it at the target, which is the cookie sheet.
And never use it to load up your mouth with cookie dough!

Just your standard procedure at the kitchen of testosterone. Sheesh!!

Since this does count as part of their home ec. I'll just have to roll with it. I sort of have a feeling this is not going to go well with FIL. They've done a lot of electrical experiments and I'm wondering if he will feel the need to man them up a bit after being exposed to estrogen. Just another opportunity to roll with the punches.

I'm looking forward to shopping with Grammy and praying for her anointing to flow. Also praying for the bag o' money to show up as well. I did tell her that people wanted to tag along to see her gift in operation. She said that is a no go, as they might drain her of her anointing and we need it.

This is going to be one crazy week! I'm not sure how much blogging I'll get done. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my farms. Leave them plowed and empty or plant something that takes 4 days to grow as I don't think I'll be on the computer much.

On top of all that, I am seriously honked off at the website I got my blog background from. Seems the site went private. Trouble with that is I had the next 3 backgrounds all picked out - with matching header. Now I can't access the codes to get them. Which means I'm screwed.

I'm still stewing over it. I haven't found anything else that comes close to what I had in mind. Dagnabbit!

Oh well, no biggie I guess.