Monday, November 16, 2009

WTHey

I think I'm going to have to take a bloggy break. This last week we've had several things pop up and have just been brutal to deal with and it's sort of taken the starch right out of me. While that normally doesn't stop me, I was dealt a pretty nasty blow on top of all of that and it's left me rather broken.

I had never meant for my blog to be read by people I saw on a regular basis. It was a way to get to know people who live in another state - sort of like pen pals as well as my therapy. I try to be very open and honest and what you see, or read, really is what you get. Trouble with that is people I do see on a regular basis has taken stuff I have said and twisted it around for their own agenda and a couple people have flat out lied about things and 1 person in particular for spiteful revenge.

I never did phony and fake too well. What a pity as that seems to get you far in church. That really has been my church experience. The faker you are, the holy you are. Oh dear Lord, Barbie got saved! Surely she hears from God better as she's able to stand on her tip toes for a very long time. I must have missed that section in the book of plastic on how thou shall be fake on outside and hollow on the inside.

Apparently struggling with things and being honest about it will bite you in the butt.

Forgive me for struggling. I've had health issues not to mention being burned out. I'm told it's because I've tried to do things in my own strength and that I'm in disobedience and that is why I have no joy in my life. Guess spiritual warfare isn't a factor. Nor is other people's crap and getting tired of dealing with it.

It got to be to the point that I just couldn't serve in the area I was. Trouble with that is the minute you stop "serving" in a church they have no use for you. Suddenly you go to not really being a person with value but part of a problem to be solved. I'm told I don't trust leadership and need counseling. I've been open and honest saying I've battled feelings of not being wanted. Yet I'm continually amazed that the people I am around reinforce it 100 times over.

I just needed a friend to tell me I'm sorry you're going through a hard time and I'm here for you. Instead I got the cold shoulder and told 'don't know what to say to you'. Not to mention the absolute bullsh*t of people and their petty little cliques.

I can say this has been the week from hell. I am just crushed that things have been falsely said about me. I have known for months that something was off with some people. I even went to them only to be told everything was just fine only to find out through someone else that isn't the case.

Yet I'm the one with the problem?

The kicker is some of those people read this blog. Some of them even claimed to be my friends. And I'm just hurt beyond words. The timing of all of this is just rotten to the core. Seriously. If I were to list out what we went through every single day this last week and the battle that has been going on - this crap was just the cherry on top.

Where that leaves me, I have no clue. It's pretty clear I'm not welcomed in a couple circles. I think I just need to pull back and have some alone time with God, a box of Kleenex, and a bag of chocolate.

This is just a break and it might not even be for a full week. Depends on how good the chocolate is I guess. :}

11 comments:

grandmamargie said...

I'm sorry.

Kerri said...

I'm sorry honey. I tried calling earlier and I'll try again in a few. My sister called so I was on the phone. I just hate that you've been having such a hard time, and I want you to know I am here and always will be. I am praying, and I love you!!!

RamblingMother said...

sorry you are having a rough time. Enjoy your chocolate and alone time with God.

Kaye Butler said...

I stopped by to say that I've been a bad friend, cause I haven't been keeping up with you. Gosh, now I feel like a total dweeb.

It's going to work out. You've got my shoulder if you need it. It may be a little long distance, but its here.

We've had a little drama ourselves.

Email me if you want to vent!

luv ya!

K

Kaye Butler said...

P. S.

I would send you some chocolate, but, Mary Margaret and I ate all the chocolate in Wynne while I was discussing sex and condoms and stuff with her.

Then I barfed. I could send you that. Thats what friends are for!

jubilee said...

I am truly sorry that so much has been so difficult for you.

Must have the D*vil on the run if he's workin' so hard on you - overtime even. Seems there's nothing he likes better than to influence Christians to turn on themselves. If he can't have you then he'll try to make things as miserable as he can.

Sending up a prayer right now, sistah chick.

rthling said...

Wow! I'm sorry folks have been so harsh.
To tell you the truth, I've always seen your blog as a sarcastic release, not complaining.
I totally "get" sarcastic humor, so, other than praying for you to have a good day, I've not been alarmed by anything here.
If you must go for a while, go, but come back soon. Some of us actually care what's going on in Joannaville.
Ad I don't have any chocolate to share. I already ate it. ;)

Julie said...

Sounds like the break is needed. So sad that some people act that way!

(((HUGS)))

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Debbie said...

We will miss you. I hope your break want last long.

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