Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Pew Laughter

We went to wally world tonight and my brain is a bit fried. Since it's late and I should be in bed, thought I would just post jokes. These are actually clean.

Don't look at me like that. You'll recover from the shock. I had a lot of these sitting around in my email that just didn't work well with some of the other ones. Golly gee, can't figure out why. Ahem! Moving on...

CHURCH FART
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back , "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

HOLY HUMOR
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'

His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?'
The son replied, 'I do know!'
'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'
'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.
'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.

'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'

Lets not point fingers shall we. It's not all that hard to figure out which one I am.

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.'
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?'
A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy.
'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked.
'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven....'

You shouldn't be groaning, btw. You should have seen that one coming a mile away.

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play 'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'
During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up'.
At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.'
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree Outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God up there?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Little Girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yessssss!
Little Girl: Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yessssss!
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Tommy: Yes.
Little Girl: Do you see her brain?
Tommy: No.
Little Girl: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
(You Go Girl!)

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese: 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I wanted to stay with you guys.'

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

SUNDAY CLOTHES (thanks Margie)
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy.
'Hi,' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '

'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.
'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.
'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!'


This has been the clean jokes post. What can I say? I'm trying not to get coal in my stocking. Hope you got a chuckle!

7 comments:

grandmamargie said...

Those were cute and I haven't seen a lot of them before. Unusual.

Aleta said...

These were adorable. Thank you for the smiles!

Dianne said...

I'm with you. I could habde mornings better if they didn't start so early...

Dianne said...

oh, that would be handle. Somebody must have hacked into your blog and scrambled that word to make me look bad...that's my story and i'm sticking to it...

Kerri said...

Freaking hilarious. Who says clean can't be funny?
"Lord why did I invite all these people to dinne!" hehehehhe

Julie said...

*lol* so funny!

jubilee said...

More jokes to steal and put on my own blog . . . :)