Wednesday, January 20, 2010

How Is It This Late In The Week Already?

Seems like the week has flown by. It hasn't been the best of weeks as things are still up in the air. But then again that seems to be par for the course around here lately.

Ever have one of those days where you wish you could just blow it up, then scoop up the remains and set it on fire? Just me??? I knew it!

The other day was not a good day. So much so that when I sat down to blog nothing good came out. It was due to being at the lawyer's office, signed stuff and signed more stuff. Looked at where we are at with the moo-lah and just how sad we look on paper.

So very, very sad.

And then minus that by a lot. S-s-sad.

We may or may not have to move. We don't know yet. I do know it came down to the wire as our house was set to get sold Thursday at a sheriff's sale. Thankfully getting stuff filed will put the brakes on that.

Still not the best of feelings churning through the brain.

At one point Fred and I made eye contact and a lot was said but not spoken. I smirked and held up my hand and pointed to my wedding ring and said for better or worse...and we agreed, no one gets out alive. I've told him I am so proud of the changes I've seen in him. I said I know society and people in general measure a man by his career choices, his castle, by his wife and children, even his pee-pee size for crying out loud.

I know what this is doing to him. There is so much more to him than what we are going through. Yet to see that label of failure that wants to try and stick - sucks dirt. And to have no clue what the next step is just feels so overwhelming, so discouraging. A lot hangs on him getting off unemployment and that is beyond his control. Both of us have been looking for jobs and not much luck there to date.

Both of us have had our own battle of being wrestled to the mat and totally surrendering to God on everything but on different levels. We've had weeks of trying to negotiate with God. Yes, I know. Like that has ever worked. And I'm sure I'm in the only one that has tried this.


We did get to tell the boys some good news that their stuff isn't going to get sold off. While I still feel bad I think the guilt has eased up a bit. Although I still seem to have these weird moments where I feel like I'm on the runway receiving The Worst Parent Award. I'm doing some in your face dance to the runner up, complete with the cabbage patch thrown in for good measure. Right when I go to grab the award I get tackled off the stage. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

After a few blinks, I'm back to normal. Or at least as close to normal as I get. I wasn't even medicated for that little moment. Amazing, isn't it?

More unknown stuff on the horizon. More battles of surrender. More letting go. I'm finding the more I let go, the more I'm finding peace. Then again, this might just be me totally giving up. Who knows? Some days it feels the same.

I so do not want to be going through this. I look around my house and every corner we've fixed. There isn't anything we didn't do - and still have to do - to this place. The thought of losing it - no words describe the pain.

Ah, pain. How you're such a royal pain in my butt. Go the flock away! Seriously! You are so cramping my style. I am tired of just crap and being full of sorrow. I want peace, I want joy.

I told Fred I felt like I was giving God a bad name. Here we've been saying all last year that we're leaning on God and trusting He'll pull us through, yet here we are not looking very victorious. I've had a few people tell me that this is the fruit of something bad we've done. While I would like to counter, you without sin throw the first stone, but I find no energy to bother.

But as I was pouring out my frustrations to God, again, I'm finding more peace in the midst of a huge storm. And I finally had this peace wash over me as I felt totally spent.

Today it is well with my soul. All I can do is hope tomorrow will be well and the next week and the next month.


rthling said...

I have nothing snarky or sarcastic about this one, friend. I feel your pain, and I'm here.
Love ya!

Joanna said...


I'm getting teased that people don't like the woe is me and I should just stick to snarky. If only life would line up with that!

Julie said...

I don't know what to say, other than I'll be praying for you and your family. :( ... ((HUGS))

Dianne said...

been there, done that, twice...

Young Wife said...

No one gets out alive! Ha! That's great. Success is not a sign of God's favor. Some people need to bear the fruit of the spirit when they talk to you. Seriously, how rude! So, all those rich celebrities who do drugs and sleep around must be so successful because God is so pleased with their behavior? I'm praying for you guys!