Thursday, January 28, 2010

Very Long Post

I feel the need to put a disclaimer. I'm trying to figure out how say this without sort of slamming a few people. That isn't my intention and not really the focus. While I could go totally off on the hurt, it's not the point I want to make. I really have no way to put this without saying a few things.

With that said...

I am so blaming Jared for this as he started it. I've always said you know you're in a bad spot when God has to get your attention through a kid's video.

About a couple months ago he wanted to watch VeggieTales Jonah. Since then I have been coming across boat analogies from like every where and from everyone. Sort of freaky and I'm thinking I would like to avoid boats for a while.

Last year we left the church we were attending. Just felt that it was time to jump ship. We attached our boat to someone else and sadly that didn't turn out well at all. We went through some hard stuff and I found myself on the outside very quickly. I was told that I was too negative and basically I didn't get my junk squared away fast enough for people and got the cold shoulder.

I had tried to go to people and find out what was wrong and every single person looked me right in the eye and lied. No one said the truth to my face. I found out it was all discussed behind my back so then when it did come time for the face to face, everyone had their ducks in a row and I wasn't welcomed and was shown the door. It was sort of slow motion as the realization washed over me that there wasn't a blooming thing I could do or a word I could say that could have changed anyone's mind.

Totally sucks on a normal day but it was a thousand times worst in the midst of all the crap we've been going through.

A few days later, my MIL sent me an email and said she had a dream about me. She said I had gone to the Fairgrounds. She said the word fairgrounds was in bold letters. I got on a seesaw and this other woman, who I had respected, got on the other side. She had a lever on her side and when she held it down, my end stayed down while her side stayed up in the air. She said in the dream this woman was pointing and laughing at me while she held me down. Another girl came over with her kids and they were laughing at me and her kids where pointing me out to other people so they could laugh that I was down.

She said in the dream I kept looking at the word Fairground thinking people would be fair. She said then an angel appeared and said I'm loved with an everlasting love thus sayeth the Lord. After that everyone stopped and walked away from me. She said it was so vivid that it took her a few minutes to figure out where she was at when she woke up.


In the middle of all the junk we were going through - to have people just turn their backs on us because they didn't want our junk near them was very confusing. Nothing I said was right and only seemed to make things worse so I pulled away. I heard a lot of people say that we were in the wrong so us going through hard times was God dealing with us. I also heard nothing would have made me happy so that was the excuse used to wash their hands of their obligation.

Oh could you please kick me while I'm down?

It wasn't long after that I started getting all these boat themes. I even read a few blogs back to back about Jesus walking Peter back to the boat but didn't calm the storm until after they were in. I can relate to that. I have been hit in the face with more than one wave and I was going down. Jesus has been with me the whole time but the stinking storm is still a blowing.

We're doing a bible study and it's about listening prayer and the different ways to center down and focus. Boy do I have issues with the whole focusing part! The biggest thing is be aware of Who's presence you're in. I've found that is actually hard to remember. I have my agenda, my list, my urgent requests that I find many a time my prayer is very much like Martha, Martha, Martha instead of Mary taking in what He has to say.

It's been interesting stuff. I'm glad we're doing it as I need all the help and tools I can get to help me to stay focused.

So I was using one of the techniques about palm down - laying it all out before the Lord, getting my hands off of it and then palm up - receiving what God has to say. I was really struggling with the rejection of the whole thing that day. When I got to the point of just okay God what do you have to say about it, I immediately had this picture of being in a boat. Dark clouds where all around it and huge, angry waves was just rocking the boat like crazy. I was then tossed overboard by the people in the boat.

As I'm treading water, I heard a few people say that God would deal with me and was angry with me because the proof was all the stuff I was dealing with. The boat sailed away and I watched as the people all patted each other on the back at how well they handled the situation.

I'm still treading water thinking I was going to be swallowed up by a whale at any moment. According to all of them I was the one in the wrong. But as the boat got farther away from me, the dark clouds followed it and the waves settling down. It took me a while to notice that Jesus was standing on the water a few feet away and was just waiting for me to notice Him.

I was so relieved!! I thought He was on the boat sailing away from me and here He had been with me the whole time. While I'm not saying He isn't with those people, I was just relieved because everyone keeps telling me that I'm the problem. I had been told I was in rebellion and I think everyone was pretty sure I was going down - fish food. Bad me, why else would we be up to our eyeballs in junk?

That junk is being used to bring some changes. I can't say as I'm totally thrilled with all the changes but it's been good in interesting ways. I can say now that even in the middle of all the uncertainty there has been huge amounts of peace. The more I'm letting go the more I'm just leaning back and finding Him.

And the farther that boat gets away from me the better I'm doing.

I was flipping through the channels when I landed on a preacher that said be careful who's boat you're in as it may take you to a place where you don't want to go. No kidding!!

I can say the depression has been lifting. But I still struggle with not wanting to be around people. What can I say? I don't want to walk the plank again.

I seem to have this ability to step my foot right in the middle of something. Open mouth - insert foot. Someone says something - misunderstandings fly - next thing I know I'm the bad guy in the middle when I wasn't the cause nor did I start it. But when the other 2 parties kiss and make up, I'm the scapegoat. I get blamed for just about everything. Who knew I had so much power? I'm thinking of trying it on the weather next.

But I do find myself feeling very vulnerable and scared out of my whits that I'm going to get chewed up and spit out - again - left on the side of the road thinking I so should have seen that one coming. Again.

I've heard I've been tossed under the bus again on an old subject from the old church. No one will own up to their actions so it's easier to pin the blame on me as I don't go there. What the hey people? Another case of kiss me on the cheek and stab me in the back and for what purpose? I do not understand why people turn so many things into a competition.

I wonder if they sell bullet/blade/bomb proof bras? The church is in huge need to those. Now you too can enter in any church, in any area, fully protected from your siblings in Christ. Yes Jesus loves you but you made the mistake of not sitting in the leper's pew. Wear this baby and you won't have to watch your back as it does it for you.

Wha? I'm just trying to find sarcastic humor in the midst.

I've been told by a few people that I can come across very prickly. My Mom is as cuddly as a cactus, to hear that I'm sort of like that....not sure what to make of that. I don't think I know how to be myself. At least not around others. I don't seem to be accepted in a lot of circles. I have been shot down in too many situations that I'm trying to avoid it for the 600th time. Oddly enough I find that I end up backing into it instead.

But I'm trying to get over that. I know of One who accepts me lumps, bumps and all. I think as I focus on being in His presence all the other junk really won't matter.


rthling said...

It makes me sad to know there are people out there, calling themselves Christians, who act this way.
It makes me wonder how many people I have hurt in the same way, but don't even know it.
I know what you mean about your mom coming off cuddly. Most people LOVE my mom... when they first meet her. But after a while, they see through the facade, and she moves to another church, leaving destruction in her wake.
I don't usually identify myself as her daughter to people who have known her. I want them to get to know me for who I am, and not hold her against me.

Young Wife said...

What an interesting dream. My FIL has this saying, "When you're down, watch your back. The "Christians" are gaining on you." As for not wanting to be around people, can I just say I can relate to that? We don't have identical situations, but every time some old friend sends a friend request on Facebook I cringe. I know I'll have to explain the whole story of David's arthritis all over again. Sometimes it's just easier to stay home than talk to people about how hard this stuff is. I'm so sorry the church has been so ugly to you. Prayers.

Joanna said...

Diane - I hear ya big time. I get worried that in trying to protect myself I end up hurting others.
I still avoid people who knew my parents as I don't want to get lumped in with them.

YW - same thing. I feel bad that I want to bolt the doors shut and not come out. But some days it's easier.

Dianne said...

well, i lov ya just the way u are, wouldn't change anything. AND YOU CAN COME SET ON MY PEW ANYTIME! So there

Joanna said...

Sweet!! I thought I was going to be all alone on the pew. ;)

Kerri said...

You're never alone in your pew! I'm with ya, G!

1. MY God doesn't punish believers with the stuff you're going through for no reason. He may be pruning, He may have other reasons, but you're not being punished. That's CRAP.

2. My sister and her hubby are in very much the same situation financially as you. Hubby laid off, had to get his trucking license, no health insurance, lots of bills, etc. And their church hasn't blamed them.

3. You are a wonderful woman of God. Sometimes people can't see past the exterior (or choose not to) or defense mechanisms because they don't want to...or don't have time...or whatever. But I KNOW you. I know your heart, and I know your love for the Lord. I KNOW you are obedient to him and submit to the authority in your life that is most important...your husband, and Heavenly Father.

I wish I could say that Christians will never hurt you again, espeically churches. But the plain fact of the matter is, as long as we are on this earth and the good Lord tarries, there will be pain. There will be unfairness and politics in churches because PEOPLE run them.

I love you, and I wish nothing but the best for you. Muah!

Julie said...

OK... I have to say this... I think it's really cool that God spoke to YOU through your MIL's dream. How awesome is that!? ... Isn't it amazing to know that God loves you enough to go to such lengths to speak to you?!

Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it