Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wonder If This Falls Under Potty Humor?

This was the post that was for yesterday so without further delay...

Jared and I were watching a movie together Sunday night. He stretched out and I caught a whiff of poisoned pit. He must have caught a whiff of it too and he declared himself 'stanky'. This surprised me as his brothers didn't have the stinky pits until a bit older.

He must be an early bloomer.

Whatever it is, the boy stinks.

Luckily we were heading to wally world, so I asked J which deodorant would he like - solid or gel. I grabbed one of each, told him to raise his arms, and tried one on each side. He screamed and said that the gel was too cold. It didn't help that I sort of laughed at him or more like a smig of an evil cackle.

He wasn't amused.

He liked the solid so when we reached the aisle of stink-be-gone, I had him sniff out which scent. 2 of them like Speed Stick and now 2 of them like Old Spice. Hubs made the twins get Speed Stick as it was cheaper. I got this stuff on clearance. And as little as the other 2 use theirs, I'm thinking J may be shaving by the time he needs another one.

I wish I were kidding.

I have heard that boys aren't a fan of soap at the ripe age of 11-14. And I put a lot of emphasis on ripe. The only time the boys remember to brush their teeth on their own is when the moss has turned a dark yellow.

Enter the cruel part.

I have a delicate nose. My nose can pick up on smells. While I'm not bothered by perfumes or flower smells, I am really bothered by b.o. and stank. Especially boy body odor, sweat, and stank.

And I live with 4 guys. 3 out of 4 really don't care what they smell like - ever. I keep telling Hubs he needs to get the boys on with the program. Dude just grins and said give it a year or 2. I'm now skert by what that could mean.

All of them like to get up in my face to talk to me about something but as the stench waifs over my face, my eyes start to water and I have to suppress my gag reflects. I tend to not focus too well on the conversation when this happens. Something, I'm starting to think, they take advantage of.

Did I do something to deserve this?? Wait! Don't answer that. I really don't want to poll that question.

It's probably good I am the only female of the house. Goodness knows I do
strange and unusual things to myself. Julie's comment about lady town still cracks me up. Mother Nature gave me a gift for my b-day. A grey hair - residing at lady town.

Now that's just mean.

I don't know why but I didn't think that was possible for that area to change color. Chalk it up to another brain fart. As I was staring in disbelief and horror, I suddenly remembered that my Dad has grey hair on his chest, as did a couple of my aunts. The yeti gene can be strong. But Mom's eyebrows have turned grey and come to think of it, she said her eyelashes were turning too.


So I have a gene pool that has mated with Chewbacca, and if the hair doesn't fall out then it turns grey. A lot of my cousins have gone grey right as we hit our 20s. This little gift just felt really mean and spiteful. Totally killed off any happy thoughts for the day. And this did not make me want to whistle while I work, I can tell you.

Sort of besides the point that I can't whistle, but you get my drift.

Then it was one of THOSE days where the emotions would not be reasoned with. Everything the boys said sent my eye twitch into hyperactive over-drive. Hubs got home and asked how my day went.

Me: "We are at Death con 2."
Hubs: "I keep telling you, it's Def Con."
Me: "No, it's death because someone is going to get it. Def Con is what you wish for so you can't hear it coming."
Pauses for a few moments
Me: "Don't even ask me if I took a pill or so help me you'll regret it."
Hubs: "Good to know. Thanks for the heads up. Chocolate?"

Me: "Yes."

Sadly, I was a total rotten stinker. I tried to keep it in check. I was praying for some supernatural mood changer - anything to try and curb it but I failed miserably. Just like the craziness that it is, it hit me that all 3 of my boys now have deodorant. I started to get a bit teary eyed. No, it wasn't from the smells. It was the thought that we're all reaching new milestones. Mine might feel more like a millstone but it's still a stone.

Then I had the whole Sunrise, Sunset song going through my head. At that point, I was about a puddle of goo right there in the stank-be-gone aisle. I sniffed as I pushed my cart into the next aisle where there was hair dye. Immediately the tears dried up and I started to wonder if anyone has ever, um, dyed lady town.

Yeah, this is how my mind works. I don't think there is a pill to help fix it. Trust me, many have tried but all have crashed and burned.

So there I was, train of thought going full tilt. I couldn't even stop myself. I started to snicker at the thought of dying the ladiness a bright red or platinum blond and not telling Hubs only to surprise the ever-living crap right out of him.

I have color resistant hair thanks to that yeti gene and was worried I would need something like shoe polish to cover it.

Not that I was even thinking of trying it.

I swear!!

The shaving wasn't pleasant so the last thing I want is a chemical burn. Talk about THAT trout pout. Good gravy gracious! The poor hoo-ha would probably go postal and would start carrying a weapon just to protect itself. It could always use a tampon if need be.

But all that to get to the actual point. I know! Who knew I could make one??? I actually read an article - I can't even remember where - about there is BIG business in uh, um, lady art, I guess we'll call it. The most popular is what was called the strawberry. It's where the hedges were trimmed into a strawberry shape and it even gets dyed strawberry red with a little green stem - AND actually had little beads put in so it makes it look all authentic like.

And I thought I had issues. Who are these people??

I wonder if this comes with a complimentary body spray - strawberry scented, of course. What got me was what women were paying to have this done to them. We're talking hundreds of dollars.

All I could think was I bet that would hurt if one of those beads got snagged on something. Talk about ruining a good pair of panties. Me, personally, I think I would go for a dollar sign. Maybe even add little wings to the thing to represent the whole ordeal.

Isn't it amazing how fast I can go from being weepy over deodorant to talking about the lady hedges? I'm sure you're scarred enough as it is. But I find it funny and disturbing all at the same time. I may call testosterone stupid juice but estrogen is crazy juice. At least whatever it is I got.

I guess I better be glad I'm stuck with a lot of stupid instead of a lot of crazy.


Kerri said...

OH.My.Freakin.Word. As soon as I saw the title I set down my coffee! I KNEW you would go somewhere that would make me spew it on my computer!

ANd there IS special dye for "lady town"...I saw it on the show the Dcotors last year. (They are real doctors). It's specially made to not chemically burn anything important!

At first when you said you grabbed a gel and solid and put it on Jared I thought you were already at wally world..I was like GROSS!!!! Glad I was wrong!

Talk to you later....something I HAVE to tell you!!!

rthling said...

I'm with Kerri. I totally had to rewind and read the test application bit again. I'm glad you didn't do that IN Walmart. Can you imagine the security guard somewhere up in an office surrounded by monitors? He sees your car park in the lot. (they have already red-flagged you and your family, and you know it!)
"Here comes THAT woman and her offspring again."
CODE JOANNA *This is sorta like code Adam, except they WISH they could lose your family.
They watch you scoot to the deodorant aisle, hoping that you won't be there long, get distracted my a shoplifter in the handbag section, and by the time they return their gazes to the screen featuring you, they can only watch in horror as you whip off lids and, in what looks like slo-mo, dramatically apply two different types of product at the same time to a young boy who is holding up his shirt.
I can hear them now. "What are they doing? Surely they wouldn't... (slow sound track so pitch drops really low)... NOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOooooo!"

But I'm glad that didn't happen.

Debbie said...

What a riotous post! And the grey hair business - I was a little unprepared for that too:)

Joanna said...

Kerri - you're learning. ;)

D - oh my gosh I was cracking up laughing!! Now that you say that - I bet for sure we're red flagged. Does this mean I shouldn't grab a can of tomato juice and drizzle it to the lady's bathroom? ;)

Debbie - I was shocked. Shocked I tell you. Why didn't anyone warn us this could happen??? Good thing I didn't have a heart condition or that could have ended badly. ;)

Julie said...

Joe has more gray in his mustache, than he does on his head... Of course, the fact that he's getting quite the bald spot may have something to do with that! *lol*

Both my boys, and Alicia are all on deoderant... Now if only they would remember to use it every day! *lol*