Thursday, February 11, 2010

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

I feel the need to warn you that it is now 2 am. Which means anything goes and I can not be held responsible for the following. At least this post will make up for the short post. They say it's all about balance so there ya go.

I do have a really good reason for being late. My whole day has been one long race to beat the clock. Sadly, the clock totally won.

Jared came down stairs about an hour ago and had only a piece of a loose tooth in his hand. Alrighty then. I got to checking out this tooth. Sign me up for the award for worst parent in the tooth category. Dude had a very dead tooth. As in gray dead - dark gray dead and there was only half a tooth with some ugly looking gums.

How long has that been
that way??

Since I was all up in his mouth, I noticed same tooth on other side is half gray. Does my incompetence know no bounds?? Don't answer that. I swear I might have to go all mid-evil on your hiney if someone really is keeping score.

Could not believe the tooth was that bad. I knew there was some bleeding going on when he brushed or flossed. I had him swish with hydrogen peroxide and let me tell you that is a nasty thing to do. The stuff foams up and makes you gag like you've never gagged before.

I'm getting all choked up just thinking about it.

Anyhoo, the bleeding stopped and the tooth looked fine. This was a couple years ago. We haven't been able to do the whole dentist thing. Thought food and electricity were more important. I'm now wondering.

Have you ever tried to wiggle out half a tooth? In a kid's mouth? Who thought it was fun to belch in my face? And then laugh so hard he farted? Which only made him laugh even harder all with my hand on the snaggle tooth. I would like to say we'll look back on this day and think fondly but I doubt it. There were a few moments when the wooziness almost got to me.

I are wimp.

Wimpy did finally get a bit fed up with it and I had a flashlight in my mouth, both hands on the job and kept muttering weh gah, weh gah. Which means let go, let go. Finally got the ugly thing out. Got him all squared away when he said he knows I'm the real tooth fairy so knock it off already and give him the buck.

This brought out my eyebrow arch of momma say knock you out. But then both eyebrows got in on the act when I asked, "Excuse me??" His eyes grew to the size of dinner plates and made a beeline for the stairs.

Never question the eyebrows.

It truly is something to behold. But the mood has to be right. And we try to hide that part.

You may ask why the heck was your child still up at that time anyway? I think it was because we got home really late from grocery shopping. Thank goodness for 24 hour open stores or I think we would be sca-rewed.

Ah Wal-Mart, how we have a weird relationship. Us needing your stuff and you needing our money. You would think this would be a glorious relationship but alas, it isn't. And it's not entirely your fault that everyone made a raid on the place with this thing called winter going on.

It doesn't help when someone in our group will have the mother of all farts that could drop a cow right when there is no way to escape. I'm not naming names but I think someone could go national in the great stink off.

He did give me the stink eye and declared I was going to blog about it. I could neither confirm nor deny it at that time. But as
you can see, his concern was with merit.

In all fairness, in aisle 11 I cut the cheese and it was ripe. But since I'm at the end of our train, none of them noticed. I thought I had the record for the night until we reached aisle 7 when the one who shall remain nameless unleashed a stench that caused my eyes to water and securing his victory. And it wasn't Hubby.

Which did make me question their diet. Which made me question my job as mom keeper of the pantry. Then to have J with a dead snaggle tooth in his head - just feeling peachy.

I have my award speech half written.

I'm still trying to coordinate a dance routine. But I have a small problem as I tend to vomit when I see myself dancing in the mirror. Thought I would put that mental out there. You're welcome.

I'm sure the half a tooth will get a tsk tsk from some list. Usually from my aunt who happens to work for a dentist but lives in another state. What is the point of having relatives if they can't get you some sweet deals, I ask you?

Apparently not much.

And speaking of aunts. Aunt flo said haha just playing and stopped. So I had all the pain for nothing because my craziness will do it all over again. But I have the wooden mallet on stand-by just in case. I did stock pile on all the supplies. I have a feeling she's going to try again in a few days.

I saw a commercial for those birth control pills where you only have 4 periods a year. Ha! I have those for free. Except I tend to scare small children, the elderly, and just about everyone in between.

Just another day in crazy hormone world. That's how I roll. Not how I want to roll but it's what I'm stuck with. Life gives you crazy then ask for the good stuff and make a party out of it.

I will say me and my crazy were in good company tonight. The many adventures at wally world continued. First we got blocked in my some crazy woman driver. Who lets her drive anyway? ;) Then we go in and the crazy people were everywhere! We got to the end of one aisle and Hubs and 2 of the boys made it around the corner when this weird looking dude cuts right in front of me and Michael. Then he takes sweet forever to move, all while muttering and glaring at me out of the corner of his eye. When I tried to go around him, he moved to block me again.

Buddy, you messed with the wrong chick.

I sort of pitied him as he didn't know it was crazy day. He was about to find out.

Michael and I looked at each other. My eyebrows did the talking like 'do you see this idiot?' And M's eyebrows responded 'I know!' We had to let the eyebrows talk as it would have been rude to say this in front of him.

Except we were beyond the pardon me stage. He was being rude. Black finger nails, black hair hanging in his face, the one eye I could see was caked in guyliner, and he had the "hey, I'm really creepy" vibe just screaming off of him.

We made eye contact and my eyebrows said move it. I thought it best to let them have a go at it before I had to get the mouth involved as I wasn't so sure I could trust it. Today was not a day for talking. It was crazy day as I couldn't stop myself as I gave him the business end of the grocery cart when he failed to move. No apologies either. He managed to scoot out of the way at the last second darn it and I went along my merry way.

(This all took place in the span of a minute. Leave it to me to make it sound all dramatic like. We weren't in any peril or anything. I can't say the same for him. Rawr!)

When we were around the corner Michael asked, "What that was all about?"
Me: "Who knows?"
M: "There was something very off with that guy."
Me: "Yup."
M: chuckling, "Were you aiming for him?"
Me: "Yes."
M: "Why?"
Me: "Well, I asked myself 'what would..."
M: "Jesus do?"
Me: "No. What would Grammy do? She would hit him with her cart and tell him to get out of her way."
M: No comment as he was too busy laughing.

What was sweet was while I really was picturing my MIL mowing the guy down, I did noticed that Michael took a protective stance next to me. I think if that guy would have so much as twitched in my direction, dude would have jumped him. That's right foo' don't be messing with me or my posse will bust a cap in, you get the picture.

And now my crazy demands that I go to bed. Diva - crazy - it's all how you spell it, I guess.


rthling said...

Oh, how I wish I could have been there to see the WM incident.
Okay, I'd rather have a crystal ball, to save myself from the stench, but that'd make me a witch. Sometimes I wish I had the nerve to pull some of your stunts. But alas. I'm all talk, no action. I chicken out when it comes to the action.
I had a similar tooth incident with Hailey, so don't feel too bad. Her cavity (that I knew she had) got so bad that her tooth broke off and she now sports a fancy stainless steel crown in it's place.

Joanna said...

Normally I am all talk and no action. My street name really could be Big White Chicken! But every now and then I get a little on the crazy side. Believe me I've had a lot more chicken out then snark. If I'm being confronted I about lay an egg!

And the tooth - Nicholas had same thing but with 6 teeth but we were able to get those fixed. This time around - last 5 years has been HARD and just haven't been able to do much.

Loretta John said...

Hahahahaha! My mom also wiggled my tooth when I was a little girl, and she's also did that to my brother. Hahaha! You know how moms are; they worry too much, but I love her for that.