Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Laugh A Day Keeps The Doctor Away, So Does A Baseball Bat

I don't think I'm even going to try and come with anything for LOST. Yet another episode where I'm scratching my head thinking what? They promise to answer it all but we just have to hang in there.

I'm going to need more refreshments.

I'm watching the Olympics and eating cheeseburger flavored Doritos. I think this officially kills off the last of any pesky New Year's resolution. Sort of wrong to be sitting on my butt horfing down chips watching someone else work their butt off.

I will say, I'm a bit freaked out about how do they get cheese dust to taste like a burger? Had some onion blossom chips and it taste just like it with dip included. Freaky.

Now that is high quality MSG.

Seems like food is the only thing I have on my mind right this second. I really hate it that late at night is when all the great food commercials start to play. And they wonder why there is a weight issue in our country - blame the commercials.

But trying to contemplate the how'd-they-do-that of flavor dusting of chip makes for a very boring blog post, so I'm just going to post some jokes. Cuz left on my own, I may break out in song for these chips.

TRAFFIC CAMERA (thanks Margie)

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You just can't fix stupid.


AN IRISH BLOND IN A CASINO (thanks Margie)

An attractive blond from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blonds are dumb,
but all men..are men.


A WELL-PLANNED RETIREMENT:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars (about $1.40) and coaches (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. A nice man working in his little hut by himself. Never missing a day of work. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant."

"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"NO!" insisted the Council," we have no one on our payroll."

Probably sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million! Quite a nest egg!

And no one even knows his name!!


CUTE QUOTES

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'Not good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal


With that, I hope you got a chuckle. If you'll excuse me the Doritos are calling me.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
grandmamargie said...

Good post and you're welcome.

Anna K. said...

Ugh. You're getting the weird "Anonymous" commenters, too, huh?

Anyway, your post title made my Hubs laugh. Since he's goin' to a lot of different docs these days, you can see how that would give him a chuckle...

I love the story about the man and the traffic camera! Is it sad that I have relatives that would do just that?