Friday, February 5, 2010

Laugh - You Know You Want To

I am tired. So just posting a few jokes. Hope it brightens your day.

Subject: No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they're senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally'.


On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two RCMP officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. 'Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No'.
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he getting senile'.
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said 'Tell us the story from the beginning.'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.....'

The first RCMP officer turned to his partner and said, 'We're outta here!!!!'


ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
and last but not least.....
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

For the ladies... (thanks Kerri)
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

And for Gangsta Ninja...
BLIND COWBOY
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

And one more because I'm a stinker. Remember it's a joke so just laugh.

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East
Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, stop clapping, dumba$$!'


Admit it, you laughed.

3 comments:

Julie said...

I admit it, I did laugh. *lol*

Oh and...

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

GROSS! *lol*

http://scrapgrrl.com

Debbie said...

Of course I laughed! And I really loved the one about the attic.

Kerri said...

HOO-larious! LOVE the last one!
Miss you!!!