Friday, February 12, 2010

Shocking, Isn't It?

Jared must be really bored. Dude blew off some serious dust to play an old computer game of Blue's Clues for the last 3 days. 3 days. Trouble with that is all that junk has been filed and stored away in my brain. No matter how many times I have beaten myself with the wooden mallet - it just won't go away. Hearing it all over again has unleashed it all. Not only have I been singing Blue's Clues songs but I have been quoting VeggieTales and singing those songs as well.

Dianne and I may bust out in song of "I Can Be Your Friend". La-la-la!

And I am driving my teenagers nuts in the process. Muwhaha! I say it is revenge for the stretch marks and baggy skin that no amount of firming lotion has fixed.

I was in a goofy mood and grabbed Michael and started singing to him. The boy never cracked a smile. He was not amused. I then grabbed Nicholas and said, "Stop! Break a fortune cookie." "Beware of grape with wooden mallet." "Aint dat de truth."

Hee hee hee hee!

Took me a minute to notice I was the only one laughing. Minor detail.

We are having some serious cabin fever going on. The guys are begging me to go somewhere, anywhere, as long as they get out of the house. They haven't really gone anywhere during the day for a bit and it's starting to get to them. I remembered going through the same thing and promised to fix it. Soon.

But the goofiness continues.

How else would you explain how God has been turning my world upside down? And my kids are a bit concern I've lost it. Hubby is right there with me and neither one of us can explain it.

As I said in a previous post, that I feel too lazy to link too, I got tossed out of a boat. As the ship sailed away without a backwards glance at me, I discovered Jesus was standing on the water waiting on me. The interesting part is He's not telling me to climb in another boat but instead is telling me to walk on the water with Him.

I have no clue what that means or even how to do it. But I feel like I'm to take a journey with Him. I told all of this to Hubs who cracked a smirk that he's sort of on the same path and getting the same thing. Yay! So I'm not crazy. Well...I'm not alone at least.

I have been so hungry for a real relationship with Jesus and I feel that I have tried to do all the "right" things I ought and should but was amazed that I was left even more empty and more hungry for Him. I've been getting crumbs along the way but still kept feeling like there has got to be more than this. And the more I questioned that the more guilt people have tried to shove onto me for some odd reason. I think a lot of people feel this way but no one knows what to do to change it. How do you fix something when you, yourself is broken?

There has been a lot of nagging things I have not been able to put my finger on but I'm getting a lot of ah-ha moments. I'm happy to say I'm not crazy for questioning a lot. While some may say bad me as I wouldn't conform - I feel like I have my hand in Jesus' and we're walking on water y'all. Not sitting in a boat.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it.

I'm at peace. I KNOW God is going to take care of us no matter what happens to us. We have been watching Facing the Giants and so much of that has jumped out at me. I'm giving God my best and I'm leaving the results up to Him. I know both Hubby dear and I got to the point of we'll praise Him if we win or if we lose. I'll be honest, there are still lots of times I'll get hit with a wave or 50 and my knees do buckle but my hands is still in His. I'll tell God I really don't want to lose but I'm learning to trust Him regardless of what is going on around me.

I can almost hear Him say, "Aaaand we're walking!"

I finished that book and wow! I'm still trying to process it all. It hit the nail on the head to some of my gnawing questions I've had of late. I have no idea where we'll end up but I feel like we're on a journey. It's sort of freaking the kids out too. There are certain elements they have been used to so to hear us saying going a different path sort of causes them to go tilt.

God has been showing all of us some good stuff. One being I haven't fully understood the love of God. I know all the quotes and sayings as well as all the Christianese speak, but for me to buck as much as I have - I have not known His love for me completely. I'm starting to and being around that love is starting to change me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a goofball with a slight aftertaste of nutty and duh, covered in chocolate. But...

I got a letter from a cousin who said she saw my folks while visiting our grandparents. She said the air was very tense. My grandma is being mean and beyond rude. She won't let my folks do their laundry there and she'll only let them shower every other day. Now that is just wrong. For my cousin to even say anything about it - it had to be really bad.

My heart just broke. As I sat here and bawled my head off, I really went to praying for my folks and my grandparents. I felt peace slowly calm me down. I sat there for a while just resting in His presence to see what He had to say.

Lord, did I hear You right?

And why am I at peace about this?

I talked to the boys and got their take. I talked to Hubby and got his take. We talked about it all through dinner.

Tomorrow I'm going to call my folks and invite them to stay with us for the weekend. They can bring their laundry and for goodness sakes have a shower. Mom can go through her paper work and other junk and hopefully more of their stuff will go with them. Dad can play games with the kids. He doesn't have to work on any computers, just enjoy his neglected grandchildren.

We've been having some long talks with the boys and they said that they feel they are on the other side of all the garbage with my folks. I said we shall see. I can tell they aren't thrilled and are a bit nervous at getting hurt. I see a little glimmer of hope there but I trust God to keep them protected and told them who they need to put their hope in. You can believe me, I will be on guard. There will be no trash talking to my kids or about my man. First violation will be meant with a strong rebuke and second attempt will result in visit over. Period.

And I'm at peace with this. Before I wanted something from them. I wanted them to be the parents. Now I expect nothing from them. There really isn't anything they can say to me that is going to be earth shattering. I'm learning who I am. I can't change their circumstances and I can't get them to see my way side of things. But I can extend the love of God to them - give them a cup of water in His name and let them take a shower for a weekend.

All of you that know the score on this are probably shaking your head at me. I have no idea how to explain it. I just feel this is something I got to do and if they lash out at me, I can see it as their frustration over their circumstances. If there are attempts at manipulation, I know who and what is behind that and exactly how to deal with it. And I know Who's holding my hand.

I don't know if they'll even do it but I'm still tripping out over the act of extending the offer. And if they turn me down, I'm not that worried about that either. I know they have been on my mind and on my heart a lot lately. A few weeks ago I just missed my dad something fierce. People meet him and say I make sense. He's just as nutty as I am and twice as fast on the comebacks.

I know my boundaries, we've proven to what length we will go to enforce them. I know Hubs won't put up with their crap and will have no problem lowering the boom and pointing to the door if he has too. He is armed with don't mess with me eyebrows, after all.

I feel that this is something that will be pleasing to my heavenly Father and I can trust Him with the results. I'm sure Mom will make me cross my eyes and bite my tongue. I know I'll have to watch my kids to see if they are humming the Cruella DeVil song but I may be surprised and end up seeing a miracle. I know shutting them out hasn't fixed the problem. I still feel like I'm to stand my ground but I'm to extend grace.

Isn't that what the love of God is supposed to be doing to us? We become secure in that love and trust our Father to work it out - no matter how bad satan, or people, try to mess it up or what else is going on. I was never inspired to step out on the water while sitting in a church pew earning my gold star. Maybe because you can't bottle up love and recreate it. It's living and moment to moment. I'm suddenly becoming aware of that.

I wonder if this is what it's like to walk on water - totally out of the ordinary. It's kind of freaky and kind of cool.

Now you guys are going to be wondering all weekend, huh? (evil cackle)


rthling said...

Wow. All I can say is that I will pray for you and your family to keep the boundaries strong.
I am proud of why you are extending yourself. I don't know if I'd have as much strength, given all you have been through.
And you had BETTER fill us in!

Lorraine said...

And more wow! The Lord is good! Can't wait to hear the rest of the story!

Dianne said...

Oh what I would do to havem the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in, onto the crashing waves. To step out of my comfort zone, into the world of the unknown, where Jesus is, and He's holding out His hand...had to break out in song and LOVE that movie! And u go girl!

Joanna said...

I called and had missed them but my grandma vented for 2 hours! Mom called back and was a bit pissy. Soooo nothing's new with her. ;)

I am so keeping the wooden mallet on stand by.

Young Wife said...

Whoa. That's huge. I will pray that things go well if your parents do come. Whatever happens, it sounds like God will be showing your parents his love through you.

Anonymous said...

Hey your website is cute
Take a look at that cool emo song: