Friday, March 5, 2010

Blanking Out

I was drowning my sorrows in a bowl of chips when it dawned on me that I should put something on the blog. More like I polished off the bag and now thought I should do something.

It gets a bit muddy when I try to focus on the details.

You will be happy to know Hubby talked me out of tossing my butt off a cliff. We'll overlook the fact that there are no cliffs near by. Plus the guys were all hungry and wanted dinner so they tried playing the guilt card. Which didn't help their cause and almost backfired until dude told me that we don't have to refinance in the next 2 weeks.

Oh.

He seems to be on the calm side and after my third lap around the room flipping out, I decided to let him deal with it and then hold him responsible for whatever happens. Cuz that's how I roll.

I guess my Dad called and invited us down for the weekend for dinner. I know my Mom can cook and all but that is one heck of a drive for dinner. We're not able to as our weekend is a tad bit busy. I will say the whole thing is at this weird what next stage. Which seems to be every stinking area of my life right now.

Not happy about that either.

It seems like there was something else going on but I am drawing a blank. That can't be good. I'm use to blanking out but it usually comes back around.

Nothing.

I will send off this week with some jokes. Who couldn't use a laugh or 2? I know I could.


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'


Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."


HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B*TCH

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'


And with that - hope you have a great weekend!

7 comments:

rthling said...

LOL! That last one was brilliant!
Hope you have a great weekend.
I'm starting mine off by going to the mom's for a b-day party. Just got the invite yesterday.
Nice, eh?
Pray for us.

Joanna said...

Woman!! God go with you cuz you're going to need back up.

You could try saying no. Too last minute, I'm giving up crazy for Lent, my BS level is already full....take your pick, I got more. :)

Young Wife said...

The last joke was awesome!

Julie said...

Loved the last one!! LOVED it!!!

http://scrapgrrl.com/

Anna K. said...

Ha! Priceless and so deliciously female was that last joke!

...why does my comment sound like something Yoda would say?

Kerri said...

hehhehe LOVE the last one too! Like the ostrich as well....Be careful what you wish for!

Anonymous said...

Just that is necessary. An interesting theme, I will participate.