Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Um

I think I may have survived the attempt on my life. It's not done with me but I managed to go grocery shopping without passing out in the aisle. That's got to count for something.

I am very disappointed that no one got gas. I was hoping to blame the taco bomb for all the fuzziness I'm feeling mentally. But no - I'm just that out of it. I was moving so slow, I had an older lady on a stinking scooter pass me up. To add insult to injury she informed me how slow I was shuffling. Due to a lack of blood supply I couldn't even come up with a single comeback.

It took me 15 minutes to realize it too. So sad.

But I did hustle the guys through the store in record time. I was barking at them to make up their blooming minds already and get going. For whatever reason, it worked. I was okay walking but the minute I stopped and had to stand still I would get lightheaded. Not good.

So no post yesterday as I was too busy sitting on towels and trying to remember why it is I want to live let alone come up with anything. Hubs totally scored as he brought home dinner last night. I'm now trying to see how I can get out of cooking the rest of the week.


Except I sort of zone out in the middle of a sentence. The boys have found this to be great amusement. I have a feeling they've been getting away with some things.

Since I'm still blanking out - a few jokes for St. Patty's day even though that was last week. I think. What month is it again??

IRISH VIAGRA

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Wasn't it good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best s*x I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees..'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

And this one because it's hoolarious

Question: What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
Answer: A crazy b*tch who WILL find you!

6 comments:

Kaye Butler said...

GURL....Dianne was txtn me the other night while under the influence of drugs...it was hooolarious!

I sent her back a couple of WTC txt (what the crap.

I could almost see her sitting in her recliner reading back what she had sent me giggling.

Dianne said...

She is Lying. Dont believe her. Do you have a gps? Me neither....yet...to think i been doing it the hard way with mapquest

Joanna said...

Fred has a GPS and that can be one sassy broad. I think if it had PMS I wouldn't even get in the truck with him.

Kerri said...

Heheheheh. LOVE that last one.
I hope you are feeling better! Do you need more iron pills?

kanishk said...

i been doing it the hard way with mapquest
home jobs without registration

jubilee said...

had a good laugh; thanks; even sent my FIL one of the jokes. LOL