Monday, May 3, 2010

Therapy Session 716

My Mom struck again. While this wasn't an epic battle, she did managed to land a few blows. I spent most of the day battling out in my mind what should I have done different or what should I have said differently.

I really do wonder what would Jesus do in this situation cuz you can't fix stupid and you can't really dress it up and dance with it either.

No idea where that came from but I'm just going to go with it.

With this week being J's b-day, she called to make a plan. I had to inform her that the in-laws would be here and I didn't think it would be a good idea if they came up. I suggested they come up early or after the weekend.

This did not go over too well.

Then it got ugly.

She started going off saying he is her grandkid too and we can't exclude them. I reminded her of the time when we had to put the in-laws on a time out for bad behavior. I said the rules still apply - anyone who is going to cause a problem or try to ruin my kids' b-day will miss the next b-day.

How sad is this that we had to come up with rules?

Seems like once kids entered the picture, one of our moms has thrown a hissy fit over something at birthday time. Nothing we have done has chilled either mom out. And way to ruin every single birthday for me with all the drama.

I find myself in an impossible situation. The moms can not, and should not, be in the same room with each other. My Mom tends to get the whole kiss my grits attitude to anyone who disagrees with her. I've also noticed that any time my Mom is taking in air it annoys my MIL. Makes for such a wonderful time.

With my folks being gone last few years, we've managed to have nice birthday celebrations without a problem. Break time is over and angst is in the air. My Mom said they would just show up anyway and my in-laws need to grow up and get over it. I tried to tell her that was pretty typical of her to show up, cause a problem, and leave me the mess to clean up. She laughed and said that's my problem. One I would like to avoid.

We did get into it a bit over how all this has affected the boys. She blew it off and told me when it's all said and done and she is proved right, she wants to hear me say "Mom, you were right." Now, I can't repeat what I was thinking but I did say, "Mom, nothing will have been worth the hell you put my family through." She told me I have issues, I'm a hateful person and it's really no wonder why I don't have very many friends.


They seriously don't let you in the witness protection program to avoid crap like this???

Mom went on to give me some advice - that I should tell my kids that their feelings are a lie. That all the pain that they feel and the trauma they have gone through really isn't true and therefore need to get over it. I told her I refuse to tell my kids that the pain they feel is a lie. She said I'm the problem as I'm coddling them. I said her way of parenting hasn't really done wonders for me. I said when you are told your feelings aren't true and don't mean anything that can cause anger and some days I keep that part locked up with a bag of cookies. She said if I would just get over it I would finally lose weight.

All I can say is she better be glad she's in another state cuz I think I would have slapped her for that.

She did get all choked up and said she wants to be in my life and my kids life which I said she should have thought of that 5 years ago. She said she wants to be restored in our lives and I said I really don't see that happening. Why would I want to continue being told my feelings don't matter and my kids' feelings don't matter? She said that is a lie and not true. I laughed and said that right there is the problem.

I asked J if he wanted them there and he said it would just cause everyone to get upset. He said maybe they could come up a couple days before but then added knowing grandma she'll want to set the record straight and sit and tell us what to think and what we should feel. That is coming from a soon to be 11 yr old.

I can get that my Mom and I are totally wired differently. We see things totally different than the other one. I do see that she just sees things black and white. But what I struggle with is I'm willing to let her be her but she won't do that for me. I'm no longer wanting her to change and be the person I want her to be. I'm passed all that. But I am so tired of constantly being told that I'm not right and that I don't have the freedom to be myself let alone feel what I feel. I can't seem to get her to see this or to see my side of things. I am not her clone.

Now if I can just figure out what in the world I'm supposed to do with her, I'll be set.


Jill V. said...

moms really can cause us ladies a LOT of grief!! If it was anyone else saying those things we wouldn't have to think that hard about it before we wrote them off. I know, my mom and I have issues too. You are awesome and you have more friends than you realize. People love you by choice, Joanna. NOT by obligation...and that is better:-)

Kerri said...

That's right! You go Jill! We love you BECAUSE of who you are!! Your mom better stay away from me...I will SO give her the what for. I might even slap her.

Oh, and don't forget we live on 30 would take a loooong time to find the body!!
Love you.

Kerri said...

Sorry. I just have to say a few more things. Your mom is a selfish b!tch. I cannot IMAGINE EVER talking to my children that way. I would tell her not only where to go but how to get there. None of you deserve her venom. She must be a miserable woman to be so evil to her own children and grandchildren. She doesn't automatically GET to be a grandma. It's like any man can be a sperm donor, but only certain men get to be daddy's. She may have given birth to you, but she has never been a REAL mom to you, and I'm really sorry for that.

I love you!!!

Joanna said...

Aww - Jill I just snotted myself. Thanks! :}
And then I read Kerri's comment and I started laughing. Mercy woman! :)

Lurv yas!

Young Wife said...

Wow. Just wow. I am so sorry birthdays always get ruined. I have no idea what Jesus would have done in your situation, but it sounds like you're trying to do the right thing. What a terrible situation.

Julie said...

Sounds like you need to move to another state, and not send a forwarding address...

Because you know what... YOUR FEELINGS DO MATTER.

And so does your hubby's and kids' feelings.


Jill V. said...

BLAHAHAHA! Kerri You so totally rock! I agree 100000% with ya! As I read the blog post I kept thinking "somebody really said that?" "or thought it?"
REMEMBER when she is being "her":

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places"
~Ephesians 6:12

Dianne said...

Once again u r sneakin into my life. How do u know what is/has always gone on here? Just let me say, ur kids, like mine, r old enough to make their own opinion about people. Mine cannot stand my egg donor. I had nothing to do with it. It was all her. AND U SO HAVE FRIENDS ! Ones who dont wear stripes or prison orange, heheheh

Joanna said...

Dianne - egg donor? That cracked me up.

rthling said...

Well, snap! How did I miss this juicy lil tidbit?
I'm seriously thinking that we have the same egg donor, somehow. (thanks Dianne)
They sound so completely (eerily) alike!
And my MIL won't be in the same room as my mom, either. In fact, she'd just be delighted if she quit taking in air, as you so delightfully put it. And my MOM is of the kiss my grits variety, too!
We are having cake and present time tomorrow for Hailey, and everyone (including Mom's third husband, just for kicks) has been invited. I'm thinking of making a mud wrestling ring in the back and selling tickets. It could get good. Got the camera all charged, and ready.
And what the blankety-blank is the deal with saying stuff like, "you just have to change the way you feel?" Mom does that, too. Keeps saying stuff like we have to choose how we think and feel and take our thoughts captive to Christ. I don't think that's what that verse means.
You're doing great, kiddo. Friends will come out of the woodwork, just you watch.