Thursday, May 13, 2010

To Edit Or Not To Edit - That Is The Question

Ok, this has me frustrated. I have been writing blog posts but when it is time to hit publish, I find myself unable to do it. Instead I just save it and let it sit with the intention of fixing it up later. Trouble with that is I'm finding myself more and more unwilling to say anything personal. Feel like it's being used as ammo against me. I hate it. I hate that enough people have me seconding guessing myself and wondering where the next attack is going to come from over something I say.

Talk about anything you say can and will be used against you. Too bad I had no idea I was in court. The court of the opinion of others.

Believe it or not - I'm not a very open person. It takes me a while before I'm willing to open up on some things and would rather beat myself in the head than cry in front of anyone. I will use humor to throw people off the scent, if you will. My own Mom doesn't get me so why would other people?

Yet, dang it all, I am such a people person. At least, I used to be.

I seem to find people that are one sided friendships. Where I find myself going above and beyond because I know what it is like to face something all alone but when I can't continue doing that or, heaven forbid, need help myself - that's usually when the friendship ends.

In one week I've had 2 emails where someone has just gone to town on my emotions and told me just how stupid and awful I am. Why thank you - appreciate that. Then there is always someone who wants to slap a scripture on it to justify what they are saying.

Trouble is I so, so, so, so want to defend myself. I get fired up when someone makes a snap judgement without getting all the facts or they'll feel it was the right way to handle it. Okay misunderstandings happen but to not even let me say my side and just pronounce me wrong?? Got a lot of dang nerve if you ask me. The thing that has frustrated me is I have gotten this attack from a lot of people lately.

You can just bet yer sweet boots I have been praying non-stop about it as well but sadly haven't gotten the answers just yet to the whole thing.

Relationships are so weird. I don't get people sometimes. I have found that some people are still stuck in junior high. Anyone else having drama over facebook or is it just me?? Now, I love me some facebook games because honestly, it's either that or grade some biology or something and you just know what is going to win. But I've found that if you become friends with friend B then friend A will be livid with you and will no longer want to be your friend.


Then in comes my Mom. I'm reading her response to my email and while I was glad I wasn't seething, I found myself just really tired of having to defend myself - to justify my existence. How dare I have the nerve to take in oxygen? Or have an opinion that differs with someone else? Was there a memo passed around that I wasn't aware of?? It's like when you were in school and you were suppose to wear green for St.Paddy's Day but you forgot and all the other kids are giving you crap about it.

I have been in prayer over all of this for months. I was sort of whining about wanting to know what is so wrong with me to get this clobbered. Thankfully, God was like hold the phone - who said I'm the problem? I had to go and get sarcastic saying you're kidding, right? You haven't seen the carnage going on? He responded He has but wants to know why I think I'm the one that is wrong. Sort of like who have you been listening to type of question. For so many people to just come out and just go at me like this? What am I doing wrong?? Again, felt like God asked what makes me think I'm doing something wrong. My reply is if I'm not the one in the wrong than why all the attacks?? Cuz this sucks!!!

While I'm not willing to share His response to it - I can say that it has been a time of ah-ha, getting to some deep heeling but all horribly lonely. I know that I am in right standing with God but people seem to be a different matter all together. More walking on the water with just Jesus I guess. It's been cool some of the stuff He is showing me but there really isn't anyone to tell it to because if it's coming from me - according to others - it's not from God.

Really how could God use someone like me anyway? To that I say haha, go watch Indian Jones and the Last Crusade. They thought for sure the cup of Christ was this perfect vessel - it was this tall, gold, regal looking thing that was all shiny and full of jewels - perfect. But that is not what Jesus is about. And to quote - "he chose poorly".

We have got to be just ready for something big here. With all the praying, with all the time we've spent seeking God and spending time with Him - there has GOT to be be something good going on.

Kerri and I were watching Beth Moore on the Believing God DVDs she got. We went through the five steps of what to say and I told her I am so glad the part that says "I am who God says I am" is the middle finger. Cuz y'all? I have just had it with people slamming me every time I turn around. I may have gone a little overboard of flipping the bird but I have to say, it felt really good. For every person that was telling I'm no good, not enough - fill in the blank- birdie!! I am who God says I am! Take that satan for all the people you have used to tell me I'm just a piece of poo - that I'm not good enough, that I don't measure up. Well, up yours.

I told you, I am coming out of this grave! Regardless if there isn't anyone willling to undo the grave clothes - I am still coming out! I'll gnaw my way through the clothes if I have to dagnabbit!

Snort, pant, wheez

music playing in background "Nah, nah, naaaah, na - hey, hey - good bye"


Anna K. said...

It's a real shame when adults start acting like middle schoolers, ain't it? It's all a little too Housewives reality show for me.

jubilee said...

So sorry you are being attacked on so many fronts. You must be doing something(s) right or the D'v'l wouldn't be all up in your face. Right?!

Dianne said...

i think your hut is on fire. i will come help put it out when mine is done, ok? Or we could just make barbque

Kaye Butler said...

Do Not Edit.

I agree with Anna.