Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Post Where I Figure Out My Issues Have Issues

In other words - duh.

I think I am being stalked. No, I know I'm being stalked. It's almost to the point where zombies are trying to attack me. While they aren't after my brains, partly because they know I'm lacking in that department, what they are after is massive amounts of work on my part.

Oh yes, I have blogged, joked, whined and/or complained about the %*&^#!! relish but it's power is something to behold. And beholding is what most of these people are wanting to do.

Do they offer to help with the gathering of the supplies? No, not really. Except for the boys because they have no choice as I like to assert my "I'm in charge and I'm still slightly bitter at you for your toddlerhood so now is my chance at revenge" abilities I have been accused of possessing.

Good times.

Got to love teenage angst. If they only knew. I've been getting revenge on them for waaay longer than that. But that's neither here nor there.

I have no relatives that are close by. This isn't really that big of a deal to me because life has pretty much taught me that you can't count on people and the only ones that have my back are the people I've either birthed, and owe me, or the man I married who actually picked me, on purpose.

So what does this have to do with the price of tea in China? Suddenly word has gotten out about the relish on both sides of my egg and sperm donors families and requests and orders have been made.

I'll pause for a nano second as you figure out who's big mouth passed that info around. And no, it wasn't me. I'll also pause for a hair longer for you to figure out what I said about those requests and orders.

I have 1 aunt that has helped us out in the throws of gosh I wonder how I'm going to buy groceries so I did add some extra for her. She recently called and I missed it. I'm not sure if I should call back cuz I know questions of the cooked veggie goodness, aka relish, will be brought up. I just don't know if I can take this kind of pressure. I already have my Mom checking in daily on how is it all coming along. I did inform her that I'll get to it when I blooming get to it and if she honks me off any further I'll wait another 2 months just to be a pill.

It really is a wonder where I get my spirit and acid tongue from. At least that's her story and she's sticking to it.

She then asked if aunt flo was in for a visit. I blacked out after that but when I came to I was laying down on the couch with a washcloth over my face. Not sure if I tried to suffocate myself or if I was trying to hide - from life.

Funny thing about that - it doesn't work.

I've heard that so and so would like a jar or 7 and I told Mom whatever she felt like handing out of her stash was her call. She was slightly peeved that I even suggested it but I stood my ground that she's even lucky to get what she's getting. She reminded me that it's all her equipment that I'm using to which I said she could take it all back with her. She declined as she doesn't have the room but said she needs more than the 1 case.


I'm pretty sure the rest was sort of lost in translation. And possibly sign language.


But sadly, my own spawn are starting to turn on me and declared they really don't want to come along as I have to go hunt down like 12 huge bags of celery. I told them I need the muscle so man up. If they care for the goodness, than they were coming and if they gave me lip I would force them to write some How I Spent My Summer Vacation At Slave Camp. So far they are not amused.

For those of you new here, I am completely kidding.

I did, however, breakdown and did the unthinkable. I told them a "when I was your age story". Oh, the inhumanity!

The summer I was 14, I was forced to spend 2 weeks with my grandparents. I'm pretty sure I'm still repressing those memories. But now that I think about it, I've come to the conclusion why I am unable to make a point in a decent amount of time. It's genetics. I am genetically wired to think that it is normal to take 15 hours to make a point. And I'm the fast one on that side of the family.

I reassured my spawn I would not force that memory builder on them. They are ever so thankful and are more than happy to carry all these bags o' veggies for me. Although I'm not letting them cut up the veggies cuz I think it's just beyond parental responsibility to hand your teenage boys knives and say have at it.

My Mom did offer to help but that means I would be in a kitchen with her for 2 days with sharp instruments - together. I've already resigned myself that she is insisting on helping with the draining, cooking, and canning part. I'm pretty sure I'm not that strong of a person to endure 2 long days with her telling me all her untapped wisdom that she has recently discovered.

It really is a shame that all those alien abductions are no more cuz I'm sure she would have made a fine candidate. Although Hubby thinks she's the reason why the aliens have decided to stop that. Either that or they ran out of rednecks to test on which I highly doubt.


Julie said...

I don't think my sanity could handle the whole "spending days in the kitchen with mom" thing...



Lorraine said...

My family has a cherished relish recipe...we give pints of it as Christmas gifts. And I have fond, (really!) memories of helping make it...cranking to grind up the cucumbers, onions, red and green peppers. I've tried initiating the grandsons into the job...didn't go so well!!

Joanna said...

Julie - esp with my mom. hee hee! They aren't coming up until next week.

Lorraine - Must be a boy thing. :)

rthling said...

You should send up a message about having her abducted. Maybe they would probe her.

Kerri said...

Girl! I GOT your back!!!
Still waiting for the other post! oh, and the idiot that honks 100 times every time they go by your house is me: ) The warden has been letting me out!