Monday, September 13, 2010

Happy Monday

Ok, I purposefully stayed off the blog because there is no way I can come up with anything worth a crap for 9/11. To say I snotted myself is an understatement. After a while I had to hop off the TV.

That left me to watch movies. We had rented a few movies for the weekend and 1 was RepoMan. I think I may have thrown up my liver. It was gruesome. It was gross. I don't recommend it.

But it started off playing Sway With Me and I have not been able to get the song out of my head. The whole weekend. Every day. I have grabbed each child and sort of did a little pathetic dance while singing the song. More like they stood there giving me a look that goes along the lines of 'hey look, mom is off her meds'.

I now wish I had meds so I could have a legitimate reason for acting weird. Instead, all I have is me, myself, and I. They are all arguing who is the weirdest one of that trio.

Anywho, there is a cure for having a song stuck in your head but I think I would rather cut open my veins. You have to get another song stuck in your head. We've found that usually a kid's song like, (shudder) It's A Small World will cure you of any song stuck in your head. The down side is you go out of your mind and may attempt to commit a crime so you can think about something else.

Or not. Just saying.

The guys went camping Friday night while Kerri and I went and did our McTalking. That will have to be another post. The guys did cut their trip short as it started to rain. So they decided to finish the weekend off with another round of Nerf war. Why is it that being a cool mom is almost equal to female hell? My eyes are constantly glazing over from everything they want to talk to me about.

But we have gone from talking about bionicles to now trying to list which bones they are popping. Yesterday, M was all 'Dude, I think I popped my mandible.' Me: 'You broke your guitar?' M: 'no, I popped my jaw bone. Guess what I'm going to pop next?'

The snots. Me? Play name that bone? The one who hides behind a pillow and asks if it's safe to look at the TV - hilarious group of people I live with.

But beyond that my brain is feeling rather fuzzy. I've had a headache for most of the day and I can't think of anything else to blog about. But since it's a Monday, and I spent most of the weekend in a weepy state, I think we all need something to laugh about. Got this email joke - and I am still chuckling over it. It's a bit crude but well worth it. (Put the drink down)


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone. Don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right effing number!' And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an *sshole!' And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*sshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an *sshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*sshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an *sshole!' And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first *sshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *sshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an *sshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two *ssholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called *sshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an *sshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, '*sshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *sshole,' And hung up.

Then I called *sshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, *sshole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your *ss,'
I answered, 'Well, *sshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two *ssholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. This anger management stuff works great!

Now don't you feel better about your Monday??


Julie said...

Funny about the song... We heard a song called "Boom Chicka Boom" at the campground this weekend, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since. *lol*

rthling said...

Wow. Who has the time to put that much thought into tormenting *ssholes?