Tuesday, October 19, 2010

And It's Back

I've noticed something that has been lurking around in the corners. I was aware of all it's little signs and glances in my direction but I was trying to ignore it. While I'm sure you're thinking I'm talking about chocolate, it's more like depression.

Oh, I know it is depressing to be without chocolate, but this is the creepy crud I have been battling off and on for the last 5 years. To see that it is back did not thrill me. I didn't know I had swan dived back into it until I was talking with Kerri during our bible study. Few comments that I said here and there totally took me off guard that I even caught myself thinking, "gosh, that didn't sound healthy."

To Kerri's credit, she kept her shock and horror to a minimum. She also showed up with a huge bag of candy corn. She totally rocks. I will miss her when I'm gone. Oh, I kid. I'm not that fortunate enough. But I have a feeling if she tells me she has a "special jacket" (wink, wink) for me to try on, I'll be running in the other direction.

I would like to think it was just the case of a bad Monday but I'm not entirely sure. I'm not having panic attacks like I was this time last year. After hearing, yet again, how many days until the guys' b-day, I got to thinking of the in-laws coming to visit and how I'm going to have to cook and how someone is going to gripe no matter what I make. It truly is a miracle I haven't gone postal on people. Oh wait, I've had a few melt downs. I'm still hoping the spawn don't remember those. But everything I have to do over the next few months just stretched out before me and I wanted to cry. Didn't see one moment of joy - just a very long to do list. Now that's just sad.


Recap: we are doing Kelly Minter's bible study Ruth, loss, love, legacy. I'm really glad we sat down and went over this last week's bible study. I so get where Naomi was coming from. I think there are a couple pages I had underlined and arrowed and starred. Kelly had in there about "there are times when it seemed as if God was out to crush my every move."

For some reason, I felt relief that someone else was saying what I was feeling and in a bible study no less. I'm sure if Naomi and I could sit down and have a cup of tea she would tell me that the Almighty loves me anyway, crusty attitude and all, can and will turn it around. And even He can wipe away bitterness. But it's hell in the waiting part.

I feel like a lot of people feel it's a sin to own up to feelings of gosh, this sucks. So many times we're told to shove our true feelings down, put on our plastic smile and serve God. But what about God not wanting lip service but our hearts? What about let your yes, be yes, and your no, be no? I've gotten in more trouble for being honest rather than faking it. But I would rather have someone be honest with me than to find out their true feelings, especially if it's through someone else, was different than what they said to my face. How is that even biblical? And why is that phoniness rewarded?

Maybe I'm in the minority? I was raised honesty is the best policy even if it hits you like a mac truck. That whole tell it in love part was sort of glossed over now that I think about it, but there was no guessing - no wondering what they were really thinking. I sort of miss that. I ran into someone at the store and it was all kiss, kiss, fake, fake - I'll call ya when you know full well it would never happen in a million years. No thanks.

Yet the hard part is her life hasn't gone in the crapper. Things are turning out rosy for her. While I'm truly glad for her, I wonder what the heck did I do wrong that so screwed up everything in my life? And the kicker is I get judged for what we are going through. I can see it in her eyes, the little digs in her comments, piling on more feelings of failure.

And there is Naomi for me saying, don't call me Naomi, call me bitter. But things do work out in the end for her. And for Ruth. So while I may suck in some people's opinions, and I do have to fight off depression and all it's ugly mood swings and emotions; I can cling to hope that it's going to work out. Some day. By the hand of the Almighty.

Now if only miss phony baloney could see me on the other side with her mouth hanging open and her eyes bugging out that would be so sweet.

4 comments:

Dianne said...

iSNT IT NICE TO KNOW YOURE GOING TO HEAVEN BECAUSE YOUVE ALREADY LIVED THRU HELL ON EARTH?

Fuschia said...

Wonderful post! Been there, done that, seem to be doing it all again. And I am so there on the "why has my life been so sucky while I've been doing my darndest to servre You?" front! Oye!

I just started Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" with some people I don't know. Fun, fun, fun! I know God wants me there, but I'm not exactly sure why...

And Kudos to you on the honesty front! Fake makes me ill.

Love you. Miss chatting...maybe catch me on fb...?

Kerri said...

Ya know what? God knows your heart. He knows your intent. He knows your feelings, and he knows your thoughts. So why spread a bunch of BS to mere mortals here on this mudball. You are honest. If people can't handle that, they need to look in the mirror, AND their Bible, and if they can't speak the truth they need to keep their big fat mouths shut.

If ANYONE tells you are in sin, and I mean ANYONE...let me know. I will set them straight. In love, Of COURSE!
Love you...hang in there.

Kerri said...

Oh, and tell Miss Phoney Baloney to pound sand.