Monday, November 29, 2010

Well Butter My Butt And Call Me A Biscuit

Better get comfy, this is going to be long. Make sure you have refreshments to get you through this post.

Last few weeks have been interesting during my bible time. I don't want to say I'm slow but God certainly has had to walk me around the same path a few times to get it. And even then He had to repeat it a few times.


I was all woe is me, I must have a defect - please Lord change me!! Now granted, this has been a prayer of mine since I was 14. But for whatever reason, He decided to reveal a few things that has turned a few things upside down.

For as long as I could remember I've had a hunger to know God. I would read about Abraham and while there were a few passages that makes me shake my head, he had a boldness with God, a familiarity. He knew God and I wanted that.

Fast forward a lot of years, a lot of junk, and at the end of myself - again. For the last few years I had been so frustrated that my relationship with Him hadn't been deepening but instead had become stale. I upped my bible time, was in 2 bible studies, was told I wasn't praying enough. I was doing all that I knew to do and it was just off. Didn't help I was in a "church" that really isn't into doing things God's way but yet another established church where the pastor's kingdom come and the pastor's will be done. It wasn't a safe place to be while going through a hard time. All I was met with was judgement and condemnation. That is not the body of Christ. Sadly, I wonder if I've even experienced it.

In my early years I needed church to keep me grounded. I needed the "this is the way we go to church" routine to keep me putting one foot in front of the other until I walked out of some pits. Thankfully, I've grown up a lot since then. And my relationship with God has grown a lot as well. But there is still this feeling of wanting to know God more.

This last year really has been a journey about letting go of a lot of things. One being my preconceived ideas, especially about God. I was reading a book about a girl who grew up Christian and had done all the "right" things. Then life happened and she felt abandoned by God. While I didn't totally relate to the character as she became an alcoholic, she asked questions I've struggled with. Those nasty questions where religion and reality have collided and don't make sense. And all you get is pat answers from everyone around you as they back away from you hoping whatever it is you have doesn't jump on them.

I'm still slowly chugging through Beth Moore's Believing God. I do not know why this has been so hard for me to get through but I can tell you God's hand has had me on the slow path to get a few things at just the right time. I can't even begin to reference all the books - even if it's just a couple chapters to help on this journey. Trying to find my stones from the middle of Jordan, so to speak, in some dark ugly memories. Been angry about a lot of things. One book said that anger isn't the first emotion we feel, that it is a defense - that fear, hurt, and frustration with someone or some situation have built to the point that anger has to step in to try and deal with it. Makes sense. Sort of expanded a bit of setting boundaries.

I was having a hard day. Ran into a former friend who all but spat in my general direction. It was in the whole woe is me I must suck when God was like "no, there isn't anything wrong with you."

Come again?

I started listing people and what has been said about me, what was done and God listed right back every woman who ever did me dirty was flat out jealous of me on some level or another. I'm not saying that to be all look at me. Hardly. I didn't even believe God first go around. No one is ever jealous of the fat chick. Doesn't matter what accomplishments are made, someone always tosses the 'well you're fat card' as if that makes you less of a person. What cracks me up is those people are usually the most shallowest people to boot. That's like saying your momma in a cut down. Go home junior before you hurt yourself.

But I digress.

He pointed out each person and situation and what they were jealous over. The majority of them were hands down jealous over my marriage. This has me stumped. All those women - we're all married and all have kids. I guess I would be more understanding had the playing field been different but not the case. Seriously don't get it. My marriage has just as much bumps, ups and downs as anyone else. God got very specific - and all the little digs, all the underhanded crap that they have put me through stemmed from the grass is greener on the either side mentality.

My first comment was are we in freaking junior high?? I get being jealous - who hasn't? But I have never done someone dirty on those feelings. Matter of fact, those have been moments when God has been in my face to bless them, to go above and beyond. I have - sometimes with gritted teeth and an award winning performance to be sincere. These have been women, some older than me so I'm thinking should know better, spouting God's word and yet have pulled some petty crap.


And I've been shoved through the emotional wood chipper wondering what the freak was wrong with me that it happens over and over because why??

While I don't get it, it was very reassuring that it wasn't ME that was the issue OR the one with the problem. Very healing. And at the same time a tad bit confusing. Now I have to figure out how to survive people without taking their crap. That is going to take awhile because I know I am still a bit gun shy around people. I feel like I finally have new growth - new hope - so no way am I letting people come in and dump all over it again.

But for 2 days it just kept hitting me that I'm not the defect. Couldn't believe that all that junk, all that pain, and to see what was behind it. Oh mah gosh.

I did see a nasty pattern that has been in my life for a long time and I now see why. A lot of religious formulas, if you will, for dealing with life had left my relationship with God almost totally drained. One more thing I thought I had failed at. But I've been finding out that hasn't been the case. The character in the book found that her idea of God was off through certain teachings. I'm not saying toss church away but I see how the church has so missed God in a lot of areas. So many people are just worn out trying to earn their gold star of approval, to keep "fighting the good fight of faith" and the cost has been to be still and know God.

The last year of going and doing nothing has forced myself to go through some serious alone time with God and finally settling down and getting to know Him. Nothing to pull me away but to have quality time with Him. I've been able to be there for someone that had I kept the frantic pace it wouldn't have happened. Plus I haven't been caught up in anyone's drama. It's been eye opening, it has pulled us closer as a family, I've seen huge changes in all of us for the good, and like I said, I finally feel hope again. I don't like that we are isolated but I feel it's only for a season and there has been a lot of good that has come out of it.

Wonder what else God has in store during this walking on the water experience? Because so far this has been wild.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

To There And Back

I have no idea why it feels like it's 2 am but after the last few days it sort of makes sense. We're alive and well. We even survived Thanksgiving. My last post of how awesome my Hubster is? Times it by 100. Dude was the only reason I made it.

We had come up with a plan for Thanksgiving and everything went off smoothly. The turkey took a wee bit longer than the directions said. This time delay affected the potatoes. I think they were a bit water-logged but my grandparents declared them the best taters they've had in a long time. Well shut my mouth and call me surprised!

They did inform me I made way too much food. I laughed and said it won't go to waste. Grandma went on and on how she never seen so much food for the small number of people. I totally left out there was a reason for this. Night before Thanksgiving, my dad called to say that golly gee my aunt and uncle on my mom's side called and said they weren't doing anything as all their kids were going to the in-laws. So my dad invited them along.

Say what???

He said he wasn't sure if they were coming or not but thought he should give me a heads up.

To quote from Fiddler on the Roof, "you could die from such a man."

This was the night before so the deviled eggs I was saving for the weekend I end up making as well as a quick side/dessert. They showed up way early (which shocked me) and aunt and uncle decided they didn't want to drive that long. Oh well.

Everyone behaved - sort of. Mom and I did get into a little bit. She was defending my brother over junk she knows nothing about. She wanted to keep talking about it but I said she won't believe me anyway so talking won't change a thing. I told her to drop it and when she started in I told her she has 2 choices - she could talk about something else or she could get out of my kitchen. She didn't say anything for a while and when she did, it was a different topic. My grandma heard all of this and she laughed - she said she's never seen anyone shut my mom up. That got grandma a dirty look.

Hubs said I handled the situation very well. I'll take his word for it. Feels like I still have steam coming out of my ears.

Friday we got the house all decorated for Christmas and just hung out. Nice down time. The guys are all geeking out what I did with the tree. They give me way too much credit. We only had 3 strands of red so I did one strand white then red then white and continued alternating - looks like a candy cane. When we go grocery shopping I'll pick up candy canes and put them on the tree. I've done that before but the bottom ones all mysteriously disappeared.

Saturday we ventured out. Our Christian bookstore was having a lot of their music on sale for $8! Got Chris Tomlin, Third Day, and Matthew West's new albums. All of it good. I snagged a few books as they are my happy place.

There is a Keyboard World that was a few doors down and since Nicholas lurvs him some piano, we went in to look. I'm still in shock over the sticker prices but I had no idea digital pianos could do so much! Lady was there listening to him playing and she jumped all over him and worked with him for half an hour. Dude picked it up very quickly. She went on and on about him - said he has natural talent and I need to get him in lessons. I have no idea where to even look. I had a piano teacher that was so annoying that I stopped playing all together. Don't want to do that to him.

Michael is still mad at us as Hubs just ran into Guitar Center to grab him some more strings for his guitar but didn't let him play anything while there. Time was just getting away from us.
I love Olga's and since we were down in the area we braved the mall and had a very late lunch/early dinner. Then we headed to a few more stores. We were able to find something for Jared's Nerf thing that I have no idea as I don't pay attention but he was very happy so that's all that matters.

Not sure if that gets me points for being a good mom or a bad mom.

But we finished off the long day with white chocolate shakes from Steak n Shake so all is right with the world. We got home and it felt like it was time for bed - it was barely after 7!

My days are so messed up. With the time change I still can't get over how late it feels. Then when it hits midnight I am wide awake.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I Am Thankful

I know that comes as a surprise to most of you. I'm not known for being overly cheerful unless I'm in a total spastic mood which, sad to say, has been few and far these last 5 years. It used to be pretty regular but life has been too hard. But through these hard years, I am so thankful for my husband and my boys. They have been the only ones I can count on and that means a lot to me.

My guys, my Hubby. That is what I'm thankful for. I feel like thankful isn't the right word for the gratefulness I feel towards God. He has been showing me some stuff lately about myself and about others that has just been oh, I get it - now! Having some serious God time lately has put both Hubs and I in good moods. So much so, that we totally got our goof on last couple of days. We have been cleaning. Or I should say debating about what is clean and holy crap what ARE you thinking???

I'll leave it to you to decide who was on which side.

We were just in good moods and was just enjoying being with each other while we tackled mountains of dust bunnies and came up with a game plan for turkey day and how we were going to divide and conquer. But I am so very thankful for my husband. Dude has my back. I love him so much even when he drives me crazy to the point where I'm holding a frying pan muttering some form of Yiddish and/or cussing him out.

Believe me he can get me there with little effort lately. We have been having what you would say a failure to communicate. He doesn't listen to a blooming thing I have to say. It's not done out of spite or meanness - he's just a guy that is immune to a woman's voice. You would think all the screaming, wringing of hands, and the constant need to cross myself even though we aren't Catholic would have been flags for him to notice but then again, that's what I get for thinking. We're getting there. It's just been a slow climb out of a very deep pit.

So what are you thankful for?

Monday, November 22, 2010

I Doubt I Can Come Up With Something That Would Make Sense

I have no idea what it is about Saturday nights but I can't seem to sleep. I toss and turn and finally drift off only to have the alarm go off to get up for church. While there isn't a problem with the alarm right now as there isn't a church to go to BUT I still find myself tossing and turning on Saturday nights.

I spend a lot of that time praying for people. I had a few things on the list. My cousin called me to tell me some good news for things I had been praying for her. Huge happy sigh. Gave God the high-five of I love it when a plan comes together. Huge - just huge. Weeks of praying with her and to see God work it all out is just priceless.

Feelings of ooey gooeiness were floating all around. Cue the phone to ring. Watch ooey gooey float away. Why, yes it was my mother, why do you ask? Did your sphincter pucker up too? Dang, the woman has talent I never knew of.

It is so weird. She doesn't ask, she tells me how it's going to happen, when it's going to happen and a slew of 500 things that golly gee, I guess I'm just not bright enough to figure out. Does anyone have any Prozac they could spare? I would like to stuff the turkey with it so we could ALL have a great time.

Speaking of time - my Mom has no sense of it. She said she wants it nice and casual and said we should have it around 1 - 1:30 to 2pm. I asked which one she thought she could manage as keeping food warm for an hour is rather challenging. She said it would give me a challenge. I now know Hubs better keep all sharp objects away from me that day. Anyone think I can get away with an insanity plea? I drifted off picturing the guys drooling over the food and my freaking parents still an hour away and the time is 2:30. There is no way I'm making them wait and when I said as much she said that would be rude.

I think it right at that moment I said if you care for me you would either shoot me or go pester someone else. She said I'm not funny. Clearly there is no affection for my being. I said what is rude is inviting yourself to a dinner and then not showing up on time. She blew me off.

Then they inform me that my grandparents, so far, don't want to come but said they wearing them down. Hold the phone - what?? I'm slightly confused. Mom called pitching a fit that grandparents would not be alone on Thanksgiving. Now the story is they want to be alone but my folks won't let them. They've given about 20 reasons why they don't want to. I am so feeling the love. Is there some sort of geriatric abuse hot line I can report my parents to?? Please. I'm desperate.

The crappy thing is the guys have voiced their angst. I said if they ruin Thanksgiving then we can keep them away from Christmas. I was congratulated for my quick thinking but I have been informed by Hubby that this is my own damn fault for extending the olive branch. I said I know but I already know come judgement day, God is going to look at me and say this is going to take a while and I thought maybe doing WHAT HE TOLD ME TO DO was sort of a good move. I will try to remember to just let that feeling pass next time around on the crazy train.

Note to self: check into the price of a lobotomy.

My Mom did go on and on about how we need to honor the grandparents not because they deserve it but because it brings a blessing on our lives. I said if she truly believes that then why is she forcing them to come if they don't want to? She said they want to, they just don't know it yet.

P.S. on note: figure out plan to have the patient be my mother. Wait, why should she get the good drugs? Scratch plan. Re-contact the witness protection program and report a geriatric crime.

I would just like those nice ooey gooey feelings to come back. My spider senses are tingling and I think my parents are up to something. She is insisting on being here. And I can't figure out why. They are involved in several bible studies and are super active at their church - there are people they can go be with. For her to tell me how it is going to be and drag grandparents that never really had much to do with me come kicking and screaming? Something is fishy.

When is it ever enough? I feel like I talk to walls and no one ever listens. Ever. If I make a banner that says Go Away she'll ask if I'm mad at that neighbors. 0 to crazy in .3 seconds.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Love It

I got some sweet revenge. It was time to head to stuffmart to load up the carts. We had to go to the bank and blah, blah, blah I wasn't in the best of moods over money. I was trying to get my mind off all the blah of life and frustrations. I'm trying really hard not to be cheesed off at my Mom for just inviting themselves. We walked into stuffmart relieved that it was rather quiet. Christmas stuff was out in full glow. So I started humming Christmas music. It took me a while - a long while - to noticed the glares that were coming at me from the spawn.

I was sort of boo-bop-baa-doo, wha?

You should have seen the pained look they all gave each other and gave out a deep sigh as they tried to figure out how to explain it to me. Nicholas just shook his head and said I'm so weird, not even trying to explain it. Michael got this sympathetic look and said that it hasn't been Thanksgiving yet therefore it isn't acceptable to be getting all Christmasy at this point in time on the calendar.

There was a moment of silence as they prayed I would get it or more like prayed I didn't rip their heads off their shoulders.

I looked over at Hubby and said it's because of you and your Grinchy ways that you have managed to suck the life out of me and my holidays. He didn't miss a beat and said that my folks have done that for years. He got me with that one. But I said that he certainly hasn't helped.

I am forbidden to play anything Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving. Because I think it's stupid, I make sure to play some - usually while I'm slaving away making stuff for the Thanksgiving feast that none of them help out with. But you can bet your sweet potato pie that the guys all rat me out the moment Hubs walks through the door to my choice of music.

Love how I'm an adult yet my spawn, whom I sometimes wonder why I let live, feel the need to constantly correct me. I have heard this is normal male behavior but I'm about ready to serve humble pie.

So I ignored all of them and kept on humming. There were more sighs and dirty looks shot my way. I amped up my game and went from humming to singing the Christmas songs. Except I changed the words like dashing through the aisles, with an ungrateful gang of guys, who think I have nothing better to do and constantly complain and whine. Oh grab a cart, don't you start, oh my word who let a fart? No you can't have that put that back. Don't bump me with your cart. Hey!

Clearly I will never make it in the music industry but I was getting some serious miles off of it at annoying them.

Annoying your spawn as much as they annoy you? Priceless. Able to take it to the next level? Say hello to the master.

QUOTE OF THE DAY: 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.'

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Who Knew It Worked?

Apparently if you threatened your Monday enough it will straightened up and fly right for you.

I have no idea how I made it worked but I was a happy camper over the day and lets face it, I never use the words happy and camper together.

The guys got up early. I didn't have to harm anyone to get them out of bed. Nicholas and Michael worked on their math together and N was able to explained the process to M and he got it and they flew through it. They were done before lunch with all their school work!

And there was lifting of holy hands.

Jared actually did really good instead of his who cares attempts he has been doing. And he got done before lunch as well.

There was even more lifting of hands in praise.

Hubs got home early. Can't say I was thrilled with that but we ended up taking the kids to go see Megamind. Oh my word was it good! 3D has come a long way. It was just awesome. The story line was great. We had a great time.

We had to run a few errands which is a down side when you don't have a set of wheels, I have to wait. Bought a big roasting pan with rack for $10. After we were done with our errands, it was late. The twins had wanted to go to Fazoli's when the in-laws were up but we ended up at Old Country Buffet for their Pap. So we took the guys to plate-o-pasta to load them up. It was funny hearing N and M saying how the place hasn't changed a bit. Don't know why but it just tickled me to hear them talk about good memories.

Roll that all up and it was just a nice gooey day.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Oh Monday - You Better Be Nice

Here I sit, with nothing going through my head. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. The weekend went by way too fast. I'm not entirely convinced that tomorrow is Monday. It should only be Friday night.

Wishful thinking.

We played Risk with the guys. I was blown off the map rather quickly. I just wasn't in the killer mood I guess. Didn't move when I should of and it cost me. Oh well. It was down between Michael and Nicholas and they were duking it out. At 1 am they called it a night and it took them most of Sunday to finish the game. Michael won and Nicholas is not happy. Then the guys had another Nerf war. I wonder if Nicholas will make it all the way until the weekend before he throws down a challenge.

Translation: guy heaven.

But I'm left with the sad reality that tomorrow is Monday. Well according to the clock it's now Monday. And what does Monday have in store for me? So far a printer that needs new ink. I found this out as I remembered to print off my grocery list which means I have to work on the list.

You can just hear the excitement, can't you?

So I'm going over my list for Thanksgiving. Why does all the good stuff take so much ingredients? This is not going to be a pleasant list. This is going to be an ugly trek - possibly a 4 cart adventure. I'm already fasting and praying for intervention but it's not looking pretty for the pocketbook. I already informed the guys I'm not messing with pies this year. If I'm going to have to clean and make a crazy amount of food they can just forget it!

I'm not sure what else Monday is going to bring. Here's to hoping that it won't suck.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Ring, Ring

Wednesday was a full phone day! I got to talk to a friend of mine that I hadn't heard from in years. We recently found each other on facebook. She was my lifeline while going through all the junk while my folks were waiting to go to trial. I'm to call her tomorrow as we aren't even close to catching up. She told me our friend that was battling cancer died a little over a month ago. While we all knew it was going to happen as the few reports we got over the last few years had not been good, it was still a shock. All I could think about was her 8 kids.

It was so good to hear my friend's voice. We got to laughing about our mega Christmas shopping whirlwind we used to do. We tried to get the majority of our Christmas shopping done in one night and we usually came close. Not to mention we stumbled home at the whee hours of the morning. I've so missed her.

Got to touch base with few other people and then shortly after we sat down to dinner my Mom called. She went on to say that she thought it would be a great idea if they and my grandparents all came to my house for Thanksgiving. Um, okay? It took me a few minutes to realized that she wasn't asking, she was telling me what the plan was.

I'm desperately looking at the guys to get their take and they all shrugged their shoulders. In the last few years my aunt hasn't exactly extended an invitation to the extended family. We sort of get an invite like 2 days before Thanksgiving. Add to that fact that it's more than a 3 hour trek one way. Needless to say, the last few years we've passed. On top of that, we still haven't replaced the van yet so I really, really don't want to take a trip in Clifford the big red work truck.

To say there is tension in the generations - I don't think my grandparents are welcomed. My folks are insisting that the 91 and 90 year old patriarch of the crazy train that I fell off of shall not be alone on Thanksgiving. I'm not sure if she just doesn't want to cook or if they are all terrified grandma will set her kitchen on fire. So what's my Mom's plan? Why come crash at our place, of course!

I really don't care. I'm making all the stuff anyway so I'll just double the sides. (I will always think fondly of Carl as I eat the broccoli corn casserole and laugh that he isn't.)

But she did say she didn't know if my other aunt was going to take my grandparents so she'll get back to me. I told her even if she does they are more than welcome to come up anyway. It was right after I said those words that my own eyes popped out of my head, turned around to face me and rolled themselves.

Who knew I had such talent?

The guys started snickering at my facial antics. After I hopped off the phone, I asked their take and they are more than happy to not have to see certain cousins. We do have a few where you just shake your head and say, 'something's not right with that kid.' What, like this surprises you?

I made the mistake of asking what all did they want for the feast. I think taking them to a buffet has backfired as I was given a very long list. Yikes.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Therapy Session 802

We had a good visit with the in-laws. My FIL got a bunch of stuff done for us. There was sob! no girl shopping this time around. No vehicle to go off in but to be honest, I didn't mind. Sometimes we get in so much shopping that to then come home and do the cake and meal is a bit much for me to make it all happen. I still feel like a dork that all my birthday candle supply was extremely low. So low that it didn't hit 15 so they got 1 candle for each boy. They didn't care.

I finally got 2 gi-stinking-normous bags of clothes all bagged up to take to Goodwill. The clothes are too small for J. While my Mom was here she kept going on and on that he needs to exercise and I'm feeding him way too much and blah, blah same crap I heard from her when I was that stage. I was loved an accepted so long as I was a twig BUT that went away when the hormone fairy showed up and kicked my butt through the goal post of crazy.

THEN my MIL was going on and on about how he finally looks healthy and how she thought I under fed the child and she was sooo worried about him for years and is so relieved he's not a stick any more.

You can't stinking win with women. You're either too fat or too skinny. No wow you look good for just being you.

I was able to tell my Mom to cork it. No need to give the next generation issues. I reminded her that she gave my niece a lot of grief at this stage and needs to curb her own issues instead of puking them all over someone else.

I was talking to a cousin of mine from my Mom's side, who happens to be a twig, and we've come to the conclusion that our family is obsessed about being skinny. Her aunts are my cousins that picked on me all the time. I used to grab the biggest piece of cake or dessert just to piss them all off.

Nope, I don't have any issues at all.

But I was telling the guys - especially J - not to feel bad about their bodies. I know this is something women need to hear but I felt like my inner 11 year old showed up and said don't take that crap, it's nothing but a bunch of lies. Thankfully, they could care less. Jared said Grandma isn't a super tiny woman so who is she pointing fingers at? Got to love that boy.

My MIL was asking me why wasn't my Mom and I closer. I got to thinking about that. It was very much at age 11 and up that there was tension that started off with me getting chubby. When she home schooled me we got close again. But things fell apart once I got married and had kids. She didn't want me to marry Hubs and she didn't help at all when I had twins. Lot of hard feelings on my part. Then to toss in the last 6 years? I question my sanity for even talking to her at all. God help me! I so want approval I put up with an awful lot of crap in vain attempts to get it. Even from people I know in my knower won't give it but I try anyway.

Makes for some interesting journal entries that's for sure.

I find it interesting that I had recently listened to Beth Moore about crossing the Jordan River. They were in the middle of the river and was told to grab a stone for each tribe as a reminder. She said sometimes you can find yourself in the middle of the Jordan stuck. Can't go back but unsure of what is ahead. I am so there. She was talking about the stones of remembrance and how we need to remember how God has been there all along even in the pile of rubble.

So far my rememberer is only remembering the rubble. Funny what all it's triggered.

My MIL did surprise me though. I was telling her how difficult it has been to get over the last round of gosh you suck and you don't measure up I tend to get from people. She snorted and said not one of those people could have gone through half of what I've gone through. She said that even though it hurts, I really need to know that I am a strong person and the people that looked down on me know that had it been them that went through the crap I've gone through, they wouldn't have made it. And they know it or else they wouldn't have gone out of their way to kick me while I was down. Interesting. I can't quite wrap my brain around that but interesting.

While talking to my cousin, she's going through some similar issues. I told her to keep her chin up that she has got to be doing something right or she wouldn't be getting this hard hit. I don't know why when you are struggling people will take that moment to tell you 20 other things you suck at and need to fix immediately or else. Hard to receive love when you've been taught your whole life that it comes with strings. I'll love you and accept but only if you're.... fill in the blank.

She called me last night to thank me and said that she just needed someone to believe in her instead of telling her what all is wrong with her. I said I completely understand. So for a moment, with someone, I don't suck.

One small step. Maybe it's one small stone. Or a bit of both.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Maybe I'm Getting Better

Today the twins are 15. I can't wrap my head around it but I'm not all Sunrise, Sunset about it this year. It just feels weird. Didn't they just turn 13? I was finally accepting the whole teenager thing and they're how old now???

They have declared this the best birthday ever. Thankfully, they say this every year.

We caved and gave them their DSis early. It was either that or I was going to wrap Nicholas' head in duct tape if I had to hear about it 1 more time. We took them shopping and then their Pap suggested we take them to Old Country Buffet.


It was something to watch.

2 teenagers who finally felt full. And there was lifting of holy hands in worship. At least we would have if we could have lifted our arms. Let's just say we got our money's worth.

In-laws got the boys winter coats and I about did a lap of happy right at the wally world.

So all in all things are going well.

I really want to write a mushy post and tell them how proud I am of them. How much they have changed this last year - for the good - and how I see little glimmers of the men they are going to be. Takes my breath away! I can honestly say they are the best of Fred and the best of me - a little crazy at times but they are more balanced than either one of us can ever hope to be.

Now how do say that without getting an eye roll?

Nicholas and Michael - you are strong young men who love the Lord. You both have hearts for Him in different ways. Follow after Him, even when it doesn't make sense and always remember to keep your sense of humor. Laugh! Laugh at the good things, especially laugh at the bad in life that wants to hold you down. You both have taught me so much and oh, how I ache to be a better mom for you guys! Who knows? Maybe someday I'll have my act together but I think you'll already be grown by then. Hang on to the things we've taught you, learn from our mistakes, disregard our faults as we all have them, and remember to extend grace as it may be you who need it some day.

I love you both so much and I hope you know my heart when words fail me. Your Dad and I are so proud of you guys. Glad we're a posse, our 5 amigos.

Okay, I just snotted myself so I'm ending this. But I can tell you they had a great time celebrating.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Just Hanging Out

Thought I would toss out there that we are alive and well. Had a gasp! good visit with my folks. And they brought food and Mom cooked it so I didn't have to wait on them - oh happy day.

Watched Toy Story 3 twice now with J and I didn't even cry - this time.

Trying to finish up the last of the cleaning before the in-laws get here. Not sure when that will be but hey, they'll get here eventually.

Hubster is so tormenting the guys - he's letting them read the manual for their DSi. Sort of cruel yet has a touch of genius to it. They have finally stopped talking about the DSi because they are too busy reading how to use it.

And there was a moment of peace....

I did say a moment. Now they are reading me parts of the thing.

Do they give epidurals for later in life? Wait, that only blocks the pain from the waist down. I think I need something for the neck up.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


So after spending yesterday a bit uneasy over the deal with my folks - they called to say they don't know what the deal is but everything is fine and will be up later today.

Just when you think it's safe....


The good news is Mom said she'll cook dinner. I guess there is a silver lining. That and I got Toy Story 3 while at stuffmart last night.

Monday, November 1, 2010

It May Have Been A Tie

I really have no idea why I didn't post this YESTERDAY but I never claimed to playing with a full deck.

Well the weekend was a blur. Friday night mah Hubster figured out if he was ever going to live to see another Nerf war he better spend some quality time with wife pooh or she was going to lose it.

Which is funny because that makes it sound like I actually HAD something to lose.

Moving on...

The guys were gone most of Saturday and the sheer peace and quiet made me a tad bit giddy. The quiet - it was almost holy. So I had some serious bible study/journaling/massive prayer of Dear God please help me!! And no one interrupted me, ask me what I was crying about now, or awkwardly ask for something.

Like I said - sheer bliss.

The guys did come home, and I will own up that I was happy they didn't come home armed this time. They had a fabulous time and there was much guy talk and guy speak that I was thankfully I didn't have to suffer my way through it. They continued their story and I fell asleep in the chair while they were talking.

I took some snark for that.

But it worked to my advantage because no one wanted to wake me for fear of their lives so Hubs went and got pizza. I woke up needing to squeegee my face from all the drool. I did fall asleep basically upright with my head tilted at a painful angle so you just know it wasn't going to end well. The good news is I didn't have to cook - that is ALL that mattered.

Sunday rolled around and after this and that we loaded up the spawn in Clifford the big red truck and let them pick out a game for their b-day. There was some serious hand-wringing going on until N found the game he has been talking about. Don't ask cuz chances are I have no clue.

After that we wandered around Target for a while. The guys were checking out all the Nerf stuff. Once they were done I decided to get revenge and dragged them all to the underwear section looking for a bra. I have no idea how I birthed the moral police, but these guys HATE it and will cover their eyes or look only at their shoes while I'm hunting around for a bra. They mutter all kinds of evil comments like why can't you do this when we aren't around to which I ask them when do I EVER get away from them??? That shuts them up because they know that's just gonna bring out the bitter.

Girl time? Ha! Shopping?? Double ha ha. I'm too busy worrying about how are we going to cover that bill to worry about shopping. I know - I feel like this is a form of abuse but I'm sort of stuck and unable to fix the situation.

After we left there, we headed to our tradition of Steak n Shake. We don't celebrate Halloween - to each his own. We buy the kids a butt load of candy that they don't have to share and get the heck out of dodge. Steak n Shake works especially since they have their Christmas flavors out early. Oh happy day!! We got to have white chocolate shakes! I am still happy over it.

Yes, I know I am that pathetic but I have to find my happy moments whenever I can find them as they are so few to be had.

But sadly, the epic battle of stench didn't go down quite like I had hoped. J man has been in denial about his wardrobe - as in he's been squeezing his butt into clothes that just doesn't have that kind of stretchy ability. Turns out his older brothers have been holding out on him and have been hording shirts.

There's a big surprise.

So after I forced the older 2 to go through their clothes, J has a whole new wardrobe going on. Except for some reason he needs jeans. He tried on a truck load and none of them fit. Seems like all my boys have hit a chubby stage at that 10-12 yr stage. J is taller than what his brothers were at this stage sooo once they started stretching out they were already slimmer. So all those jeans were a no go. I need a moment to pause as I try not to cry. Whole stack of jeans and none of them fit.

Then I had to go through J's draws. Good gravy! Someone was taking some major laps in the pool of denial! He had shirts crammed into the corner that he hasn't been able to wear in years. No wonder the boy always looks like he crawled out from under a rock. Needless to say, I purged his clothes so he now has room for his new hand-me-downs. I love that he loves hand-me-downs! Or this would be awkward and what I would have to tell him are called the hard knocks of life. Now I just got to get Hubby to take the 2 very huge bags full of clothes to Goodwill.

After all the stuff was bagged and tagged, I did noticed their room wasn't as odoriferous so it was one small step for nostril freedom.

And in further you have got to be kidding me news known as my life; my folks called to say they can't come up tomorrow cuz the government basically raided their bank account and now they have no money. They were pretty calm about it and said it's just games all while I tried to swallow my throat. Can't help but feel like the ghost of Christmas past is trying to hover around for another visit. I feel bad for the guys as they are going to get let down again to which they said they are used to it. They said at least this way they don't have to worry about a visit. Sigh