Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Therapy Session 802

We had a good visit with the in-laws. My FIL got a bunch of stuff done for us. There was sob! no girl shopping this time around. No vehicle to go off in but to be honest, I didn't mind. Sometimes we get in so much shopping that to then come home and do the cake and meal is a bit much for me to make it all happen. I still feel like a dork that all my birthday candle supply was extremely low. So low that it didn't hit 15 so they got 1 candle for each boy. They didn't care.

I finally got 2 gi-stinking-normous bags of clothes all bagged up to take to Goodwill. The clothes are too small for J. While my Mom was here she kept going on and on that he needs to exercise and I'm feeding him way too much and blah, blah same crap I heard from her when I was that stage. I was loved an accepted so long as I was a twig BUT that went away when the hormone fairy showed up and kicked my butt through the goal post of crazy.

THEN my MIL was going on and on about how he finally looks healthy and how she thought I under fed the child and she was sooo worried about him for years and is so relieved he's not a stick any more.

You can't stinking win with women. You're either too fat or too skinny. No wow you look good for just being you.

I was able to tell my Mom to cork it. No need to give the next generation issues. I reminded her that she gave my niece a lot of grief at this stage and needs to curb her own issues instead of puking them all over someone else.

I was talking to a cousin of mine from my Mom's side, who happens to be a twig, and we've come to the conclusion that our family is obsessed about being skinny. Her aunts are my cousins that picked on me all the time. I used to grab the biggest piece of cake or dessert just to piss them all off.

Nope, I don't have any issues at all.

But I was telling the guys - especially J - not to feel bad about their bodies. I know this is something women need to hear but I felt like my inner 11 year old showed up and said don't take that crap, it's nothing but a bunch of lies. Thankfully, they could care less. Jared said Grandma isn't a super tiny woman so who is she pointing fingers at? Got to love that boy.

My MIL was asking me why wasn't my Mom and I closer. I got to thinking about that. It was very much at age 11 and up that there was tension that started off with me getting chubby. When she home schooled me we got close again. But things fell apart once I got married and had kids. She didn't want me to marry Hubs and she didn't help at all when I had twins. Lot of hard feelings on my part. Then to toss in the last 6 years? I question my sanity for even talking to her at all. God help me! I so want approval I put up with an awful lot of crap in vain attempts to get it. Even from people I know in my knower won't give it but I try anyway.

Makes for some interesting journal entries that's for sure.

I find it interesting that I had recently listened to Beth Moore about crossing the Jordan River. They were in the middle of the river and was told to grab a stone for each tribe as a reminder. She said sometimes you can find yourself in the middle of the Jordan stuck. Can't go back but unsure of what is ahead. I am so there. She was talking about the stones of remembrance and how we need to remember how God has been there all along even in the pile of rubble.

So far my rememberer is only remembering the rubble. Funny what all it's triggered.

My MIL did surprise me though. I was telling her how difficult it has been to get over the last round of gosh you suck and you don't measure up I tend to get from people. She snorted and said not one of those people could have gone through half of what I've gone through. She said that even though it hurts, I really need to know that I am a strong person and the people that looked down on me know that had it been them that went through the crap I've gone through, they wouldn't have made it. And they know it or else they wouldn't have gone out of their way to kick me while I was down. Interesting. I can't quite wrap my brain around that but interesting.

While talking to my cousin, she's going through some similar issues. I told her to keep her chin up that she has got to be doing something right or she wouldn't be getting this hard hit. I don't know why when you are struggling people will take that moment to tell you 20 other things you suck at and need to fix immediately or else. Hard to receive love when you've been taught your whole life that it comes with strings. I'll love you and accept but only if you're.... fill in the blank.

She called me last night to thank me and said that she just needed someone to believe in her instead of telling her what all is wrong with her. I said I completely understand. So for a moment, with someone, I don't suck.

One small step. Maybe it's one small stone. Or a bit of both.


Julie said...

Thankfully, my Mom never said anything about my weight... Of course, my Mom is on the larger side too... But still, no one should have to hear something like that from their Mom or Grandma!



Anna K. said...

You totally don't suck! Nice that you had a good visit with the In-laws.

Why is it that family, in particular, say the harshest things? Some of my most hurt-filled moments involved a family member. Maybe it's because I care more what they say/think...I'm getting over that with certain relatives. ;o)

Kerri said...

1. You do NOT suck.
2. I love and accept your only if you ARE blank! {snort...little joke there...hehehe...ahem)
3. I am seriously going to slap your mother when and if I ever meet her. She is so critical and mean. Telling Jared to has to exercise. Has she ever heard of puberty the love of pete? Slap, slap, SLAP!

jubilee said...

"when the hormone fairy showed up and kicked my butt through the goal post of crazy" - oh, my. You do have a great turn of phrase!

I have a great mother in law too. It's soooo nice to be loved and understood!